A final warning of Sorts

I said to myself that there wasn't going to be a Good Bye letter; Or that I would threaten to kill myself.
But with some kind of last words forming in my mind, I feel like I should write down a few things before it's too late.


It is my God that maneuvered me into this predicament; And I can see why. Between fate and destiny - there's wiggle-room I think. What chaos will do on its own versus what happens at large based upon our ways. Me choosing to quit my employment, to ignore everything "out there" - in these regards - that would be a confluence on its own. Creating a space of its own, that would, by definition, not have existed otherwise; And thus yielding results that would not have existed otherwise.

I did what I could, where believe You me, I'm mentally not in a good shape; And whatever comfort story of the brave and enduring Prophet You want to tell Yourself - they awaken within me a scorn of its own.
And whether I can see it, the Light at the end of the Tunnel, that depends. There sure is some light. Some promise of a better ending. But that to me is a carrot on a stick. A reward for something ... that I don't care about. I don't want praises, I don't want applause - I just want to see the fruits of my efforts.


But when the things I care about are squashed beneath yer feet, and the things I don't care about are held up as what I'm supposed to do, then sorry, but my spirit vanishes - and my will to live ... dissipates.
Is that now a failure of me?

Here is a line that I see: I put extra effort into my work, that I've done so far ... to make it good ... because ... ?
There is one reason. You me to have my work done, You want me to be able to rest while the good work can continue beyond me having to care about it. You need to be this and that for it to work ... and that's it!?
And I would want to give You that and yet somehow I can't; Why?
Let's start with the obvious: That line is a lie! It exists because I insist on what I care about.
And any amount of polish isn't going to change what's in it!

But so, any logic, any reason that I pursue along this line ... it's nonsense. But for the lack of a better way I have to stick to it; And see what I can do. But so, I think of polish - but somehow I'm not feeling it. Instead then I'm haunted by this or that thing; And sure enough, stumble upon something new - for better or worse.


I for instance am driven by emotions. Well, not driven. But ... as I write, the images become feelings - twisted and distorted from the reality I feel - crashing in on me like winds and waves that ... I don't know what to do against. I have a good idea of what causes them, where they're coming from ... and I would tell You as much, but then again ... I don't even believe that You're there.
And yet I'm here, pretending as if You do ... and that might very well be the same kind of winds, the same kind of waves, painting a picture dramatically different from what is real.

And thus I've come to hate to smile.
But I can't be all grumpy all the time either; That's most definitely who I am - but woe if I smile ... in a good mood ... for that wind will carry on and ... be twisted into something that further deepens the division.

"It'll be fine!" - "I'm going to be fine!" - Yea, whatever. But how?

Unless You want to tell me that You have a plan, that things are in motion ... and I only have to wait out for long enough to see the it then.


And sure enough. It's silly to lose my mind over ... this maybe or that maybe ... . But what about the maybes that oppose each other? What's the straight course through?

And where are the helping hands?


At the end of the day then, this isn't between You and I, it's between my God and I.
I'm here because of HIM; And if HE doesn't make me change course ... that's what it'll be.