Cereylla Revisited

I just tried to sleep. I woke up to a good day, enjoyed writing what I have written, was overall in good spirits - but then possibly got a little bit too comfortable and started playing around with this, I must assume, psychological death trap in my mind. "If I have to push out one more thing that then goes back in again, one more back and forth, I'll be loosing my mind". So part of my state of mind. It didn't take long ... is what I'm saying. I got to the point where something went out, then it would go back in again ... and my stress Level was at the point where I banged my head against a doorframe. And there's a whole story, a deeper one, that is also part of the one I'm trying to tell You here. But there's this idea, that if I solve all those Puzzles, things will be fine. And that is in and of itself a huge trigger point for me. Because ... You cannot tell me how that makes ANY sense at all.
So I got even more frustrated, possibly - partly intentionally partly just on impulse - triggered self-destruct, not sure; And as luck would have it I/we might have disabled enough of the whole thing for it to not completely mess me up.
I eventually calmed down - and in the mood of going to bed I came to muse upon this thing again. In good spirits again. But as I so was thinking, more memories started to surface. And ... it was kind of fun going through all of it ... but at some point ... or several points ... the story isn't merely about the ideas I've had but also my relationship with them. With the whole thing. And that's where even more parts of the story, or would be parts of the story, came to surface. And so to loop back around the "how that makes ANY sense at all" statement, I just previously figured that I would definitely punish myself, torturing myself, rather than to go for those moments of relief that are most certainly built into the system to get some bullshit conditioning into my mind.

So, something to that effected ended up being on my mind - my stress increased, I had to seriously calm myself down while I was seriously out of whack to the point where I started sweating. And so, at the end of the day, this story isn't about Cereylla at all. More so should I start by describing myself as an Abomination, Dune Terminology, or a Boss Level Zombie in Resident Evil Terminology. Not the Alice they would have hoped for.

The star of the show however ... I want to for now call "my Higher Reasoning".

---

So, my higher reasoning ... to start this story where it matters ... manifested at some point, I would say, 2002. There was a particular moment that involved a drawing that I know I was drawing in the Philippines; And I had not yet moved back in with my grandparents. On that day my mum was ... I don't know. We however had the flat for ourselves and we invited some friends over. And just to not use any friendly terms here, from now on I'll refer to Vyke as Mengele, Hellstrider as Apollyon and Orici as Adria.
So, at that time, Apollyon and I were friends - or so I assumed; And he was over at our house. And I was there like a little puppy sucking up to him like he was my Master. Though the feeling was more like ... him being my Father or as a Father to me. So I was keen to showing him my drawing; Because ... somehow it became a subject of conversation and I at that point retroactively decided that this guy would be him. And it was in that moment, where that Father association came up, that some part of me went like: "Oh oh, something is wrong here!". Introducing: My higher reasoning. Not to call it subconscious. But sure. A part of me that at the time didn't have any meaningful way to influence my actions or decision making. He would still be a "friend" for quite some time. But I suppose that it was at this point where my consciousness shifted and started to work against whatever it was that it felt was wrong with the situation.

As for Cereylla, well, my personal sales pitch should/might start with saying that it's BONKERS. Like, in a super awesome good way. So, the drawing for instance Showed a Templer, though I guess in english I'd go with Templar; Where ... think Spawn, but basically also Neo, which have undergone some Baptism by Fire to become one with the Mana. They have the Symbol of Mana on their Forehead, and a crack basically splitting their body in half which is also a Mana Vein that violently erupted from the Symbol as the Mana manifested itself. Geopolitically they would be comparable to the (Ascended) Ancients of Stargate; In the sense that they're just way too powerful for them to be meaningful main Characters of the story. Sure, "Dragon Ball" - but, yea; Power Scaling. Depending on whom You ask, or when You'd ask me, a Templar would make easy work of Goku - "especially" thinking of a Time Templar for instance where Goku would have to deal with Non-Linear time nonsense in order to compete. But being more realistic ... with my own 'true' Power Scaling, Goku could/should be able to deal with that as a Super Saiyan 3 while "logically" Templars would be on par with my concept of SSJ2 - 'at the very least'; Except ... I mean, there would be a difference between SSJ2 Gohan and SSJ2 Goku ... for instance. But whatever.
I mean, the Antagonists of the Story are Demons and the Beings they corrupt - and those aren't just any Demons, those would be proper Arch Demons - and even then, Templars don't really fit with the story. So, all in all they just exist; Being a convenient Deus Ex Machina for when it might matter.

Lore Update due to Smokebreak: So, in Agoraeyan Lore there's Ahkina - and Mana comes from Ahkina and the Four Elements come from Mana. Ki on the other hand also comes from Ahkina. So ... technically ... that means that Goku could very well whoop a Cereyllan Templar's ass. I mean, Cereyllan Templars sure are Monks who spend their day in exchange with Mana Wells, where Mana isn't mere Magic Energy but more of a Spiritual Force. We might call it "transcendant Mana" because the core concept behind the Cereyllan magic System exists in tandem with its creation myth/story. So, think ... Triforce/3 Goddesses from Zelda perhaps (where Agoraeyah takes a more sciency "Big Bang esque" approach). Ki on the other hand is spiritual by definition - and when starting to understand the Kamehame-Ha for instance as more of a Railgun/Laser Beam than a slow-mo energy wave, I have to say that "canonically" Templars exist on or deal with that Level of power. Unless You're talking of a Wind/Air Templar perhaps. (Time is Water)
By the way, the thing I recently proposed would be neither of the two.

Cereylla is BONKERS. I mean, I was Young - and the whole is in essence born from Daydreaming while taking anything that somehow inspired me and finding some way to fit it in. So for instance the "Mountains" backdrop (combat screen) from Mystic Quest. Or any old School Final Fantasy I suppose. I was always fascinated by it, imagined what a world might look like if the far and distant would look like that. And then I just thought, OK, take another row of mountains, even further behind, but larger also. But that scale is OK, because Magic in Cereylla is Mundane and "everyone is basically Goku". But this is also kind of where this story takes its sour turn.


I mean, there's a lot more. For instance, Cereylla is both, a Continent and the Planet it is on. The Planet would be the size of Jupiter or so, while the Contintent basically spans half a Hemisphere. It's also Semi Hollow - with a vast underground Network and a Metal Frame - while housing a Dragon in it that is basically also a Magic Mech.

And it hurts me - it hurts me to say that there's a problem with all of this. It hurts me because on the one hand it's real and on the other I don't believe in the problem. But there was a moment. I was trying work on the Main Capital of Cereylla; Which is basically ... a slice of Corscant we could say ... (before I had a proper idea of what Coroscant was; But I recently saw a video about it and ... I'm kind of reminded of it. Coroscant would go deeper ... except ... with all the underground Shenanigans that "Tasnica" has going on ... well, it's apples and pears) ... but at some point I figured that I've lost the Plot.

In simplest terms it's the scale. There is, for instance, this Bridge that crosses from the "Shamanzaarian" Peninusla over to the Mainland ... and even by conservative estimates this thing would or should be HUGE. For all intents and purposes I'm thinking of the Snake Highway - or what it's called - so, the path to King Kai's little planet. Well, that might be a little too large, but that's kind of the point. I ... wouldn't know. Or in other terms: The story would have a guy "walk" from the east of "Shamazaar" to the west of "Faranzaar", so ... crossing the full distance of the Continent, which is easy to just 'say', but what that Journey would realistically entail is a whole different thing. Or the dude and his former Espis (Elemental Spirit, ... basically an Esper) semi-mortal girlfriend travelling the continent rounding up allies for some final Battle ... they kind of don't fit with the Lay of the Land, or if so, there need to be solutions. Like ... sure ... MagiTech or something, like the Nomads basically have race-cars that by the flick of a pen could make that a possibility, but then eventually the distances become meaningless ... . But whatever. I never wanted to believe that Size was the issue.

And so, now, we have to return to serious talk.


To me, at the time, I felt like I didn't have the resources to properly continue my work. I had too many open questions and struggled for ways to find answers. The whole project, in my mind, would have to be a 'massive undertaking' - while I seriously felt like I lacked the space, just to get started, to keep track of everything. But now, looking back, I feel like it WAS a massive undertaking. Except that I had no means to communicate with the various ends of it. All I had was pens and paper to produce ideas that I had no way of coming back to. So I had hoped that if I built my engine I could start plotting and get a proper sense of the scale before really settling on a final shape that works with what I had on mind.

So, I tried to talk about it, maybe get people - "friends" - interested; But all in all, in hindsight I suppose there was an eerie silence that I was met with.

At the time, "outsourcing" was on the forefront of my mind. But sure, before that could happen ... I mean, realistically ... I didn't find myself in a position to move any further and therefore the project, for all I cared, was dusted.


Beyond that ... well, it's a matter of Conspiracy Theories.

You know, my feelings, contemporary suspicions, traces of 'weird' and 'strange' here and there ... while overall I should say that this whole thing is just TOO BIG for this world. It would be something for the Afterlife ... to TRULY live up to its potential.

But outside of that, well, what can I say?
There are these Topics ... that make me feel a certain way. They give me a certain kind of Headache, which ... well, it's more of a vibe than a headache, but ... it is ultimately this Squid Nonsense that seems to fill that void which turns that vibe, the headache, into something I can comprehend.

So, rather than having some weird feeling of people talking shit and marring my work, I can read them as impulses meant to trigger me such that I'd keep pushing and going. So to come back to the idea of 'massive undertaking'.

And the issue is twofold. On the one hand I would assume that some work is done, my mind is at ease - but whether it's good or not I can't glance. So, obviously I'm, in that respect, not in charge of the project, which then again is a reason for me to not "participate". On the other there's my own idea of what this massive undertaking would be, or should be. And that's kind of beyond ... a simple story in a fantastical land.
I would have my own needs, in terms of space and time, to creatively expand and feel satisfied with my work. But that wasn't there. Maybe "my handlers" were dreaming of me clearing out my room, plastering my walls with scetchwork and such ... and instead they found Futanari Drawings in my Drawer ^^. LOL

But yea. The PROPER space would have been there. I mean, we were 'kind of' rich. The house of my gramps is("was") in an Industrial District, it "basically" had two stories of warehouse in the back of it; By size certainly comparable to the industrial bakery right next door.
The last thing that I really worked on ... well. I suppose that was after LA. I had written a somewhat functional 3D Model Editor, but no real saving feature yet. I started out just toying with it, like, waiting for inspiration or an impulse or whatever, and so started to put triangles into the field that would become a quasi map which might work as a foundation for later work. But without save function, that was lost ... and at that point ... I was also kind of done with my life.
Not sure whether I had already started working on Agoraeyah at that point. I mean, i also had a 3D Editor on board of my first Globe featuring Program ... while before that I certainly was still working on Cereylla.

Sort of. I mean, to say that I was "working on it" is a proper exaggeration.

It was "the thing", more like an excuse to at least do 'something'.


The 'massive undertaking' ... in some way it's certainly a pipedream. Like, how would I get the privilege of even attempting it? Though on the other, I kind of had it. Except ... not.
I mean, sure. When speaking of making it a thing ... "industrially" - that would have been silly. I mean, I wasn't even sure yet - how big it all would be. So, in essence, I never got past the early concepts. Of my youth.
That 'massive undertaking' would have been massive, to even just get the concept going.

And I'm sure it would have been "such a headache" to deal with (unreasonable) people; Trying to do actual creative work while someone else would be pushing for results. NO THANKS!


And in the meantime there were also other concerns that had manifested themselves. And here I find similar problems. Sure I might have cleared out my room to make space for at least a blackboard (which would definitely not be enough) - to start ... ... "having" things. I mean, sure, having Binders also kind of works, but ... if I'm working on like 3 or 5 things at a time, it would kind of help to have it all there - instead of having to solve half of a logistics problem each time I wanted to change tasks.

I mean, I envision that that's how they work. That they have some Transformers Living Room/Flat/Apartment action going on ...; So, at least I had the inspiration for how I might want to approach this. But instead I preferred being the dead fish next to a lake.


I'm sure there's a whole arc of conversations that could be had just to come back to the same point. So ... pfft.


I mean ... the whole "You have to deserve this or that" first thing, sure, I get it - I'm not saying that "you're wrong", but ... well, it's kind of weird when at the same time You have the strong feeling that others talk like You're supposed to do THING, but what You say You need to do THING isn't on the table.

And I get it. For a 'massive undertaking' like what I had in mind to take off, there was no ... 'foreplay', let's put it that way. It's not like it could have just "poofed" into existence. But it's weird to see just how many of my projects ended THAT way. Not saying that I'd have needed an ENTIRE WAREHOUSE for myself (well, I kind of might need more than just that) but the truth is that between my projects and my organization skills I'm just lost with what little space I had and have.

In part.

I mean, I have the feeling like people are looking at me like I'm Tony Stark lost in a cave and that I'm somehow supposed to build Iron Man Mark I. And sure, I kind of am like Tony Stark lost in a cave, but I'm most certainly not going to build Iron Man Mark I. I'm more like Alice, trying to break containment. And so to me this is about what YOU want versus what I want. You then "keep telling me" that I'm not giving You enough to warrant "any such thing"; And if You're looking at my work and can only see me whining for an investment ... then ... I suppose You haven't been paying attention.

I'm not asking You for any kind of investment that I would be willing to promise any kind of returns on. That's ... just for starters, not the kind of relationship I'm interested in. And if You insist, well, I suppose the story ends here. Well, soon enough anyway.


The Truth is a way of its own. And if You can't see that, or won't act on it, because of some ... stupid bottom line measured in wealth, that ... just CAN'T be my problem. It CAN'T be what I should be concerned about. It CANNOT BE my basis of doing what I want to do. To work towards what I want to accomplish. In my book ... if that doesn't get through to You, then I failed; And that's that!


And so, that warehouse that we had - the space I'm thinking of in particular - it was occupied (rented out) at the time. And at some point my family made an attempt at some kind of intervention to urge me to find a job because whatever I was working on at the time (Gospel Stuff) wasn't going to make me any money. And I tred to argue my case; And given how everyone just left in frustration, repeating their initial phraases, not having listened to what I was saying (or cared enough about it) - I won the argument, to no avail.

There's one project in particular that I maybe should highlight. It's the source of my understanding of Labernium. I'm sure it's in my book. I started the project based on some curiosity. And I wouldn't think of it as a PROJECT project, which would be the first problem. So I sat down at my Computer, with my book, and started reading and taking notes, which would be the second problem. What I ended up with was a script ... maybe some notes, that I think I burned to Disc before leaving to LA, which would be problems 3 to 5 I suppose.
To close the story with the final problem: Fuck if I know where any of that stuff is now.
Ignoring the fact that I don't have a CD Drive for my Laptop.


Problem 2 would be that the space I had was minimal. My drawers were already full with binders and notes ... pure chaos.
My desk ... was no better. My entire room: A mess. And sure, I had a flash of insight and a curiosity; So, pardon me for my first impulse not being to clean up my room and start plastering the walls with notes.

Problems 3 to 5 ... well, pardon me for not taking it seriously enough. For not having a system to make those notes last, for not having a better way to organize my files and keep track of my progress. For all I cared ... there was no THING to track any project of. At the time I was already pretty confident that I had found something. SEVERAL somethings to be precise (Unification and Eden are in my book also) - so, I was more like waiting for the feedback, or ... whatever. I sure was at a point where I figured that any progress on the matters would require insight that I could not just will into existence; So I had to just wait.

And sure, my room was cleaned up at one point or the other throughout that time. How clean it was at THAT time, I'm not sure. But I remember having issues also. Like ... feeling at home, being comfortable, maybe some emotional support, maybe some productive advice; That wouldn't just be my mother yelling at me for how much of a mess my room is (which, seriously, to my tastes her standards are way too high. Certainly not considerate enough for my sensitivities). But sure, call me an idiot while throwing out all of my work that I care about.


I mean, there also is a certain struggle to maintaining sanity within all this nonsense. I'm dealing with way too many maybes at that point; But sure, rather than offering me relief, just add more weight to it. I'd just have to do this or that, or both ... and sure enough. In some sense, by perhaps some twisted miracle of fate, there You have it. My book. But OK, it's unfinished, bla dee bla da. Way to go.

I mean, from my perspective YOU are not giving me enough. And that's just a simple equation of life. Yea, maybe those who hold the money hold the authority, but that sure would be part of the problem.
To say ... it kind of makes me feel like a Slave; And I don't like/feel the outlook of that.


If You yet want to keep telling me "but it's so easy" - then what's the fucking problem?
"Let me finish it!".
"Why don't You just ..."
Well, creative tax. Maybe what I have in mind is just bigger. Maybe ... just by starting to update my "Script" I'd start yet another project, stumbling down yet another rabbit hole, like ... there's so and so many things I would or should add by now ... it would be a whole different book. And maybe, yes MAYBE ... my mind is stuck in WAY MORE WORK than You can imagine. But sure. YOU TELL ME, what MY WORK entails.


Meanwhile ... why don't YOU just do the easy parts? Like, MAYBE the software I'm using isn't optimal. MAYBE ... there are better ways to go about this and that, so MAYBE I would love to have feedback and support on those matters.
So yea, IF ONLY you valued the work I was doing, I might feel like the effort would be worth it.


Yea, that last part ... maybe just ignore it ... for the sake of ... uhm, my sanity.
So yea. Maybe I'd be glad if someone were to check in on me and not make me feel like I'm Bud Bundy locked in the basement "Building It" so that "he will come".

Maybe I lack the proper habits. MAYBE so and so much of my work is lost because of that. Because I don't take proper notes. Because MAYBE I don't feel comfortable if unauthorized third parties can just rummage through my stuff.

And what about Crystals. MAYBE it is right where I want it to be at this point, which is to say: At a point where I feel comfortable. And yea, I've come to understand how difficult it is to get into a project like that when Your heart is somewhere else. It's difficult to even get the simplest things done that way.

There's notes on Agoraeyah, the complex Lore of its Magic Systems ... pfft. Gone. Notes on "the Project" (I recently proposed) because 'pfft' who cares? Lore bits, conversation points - like ... how to get a party of adventurers into a Hag's lair to convince her to join their team because "deeper secrets"? Pfft ... shit in the bowl.

Nuance? Who cares? Let's just rush it against the wall! Am I right?


MAYBE I want to feel like I'm part of the thing I'm working on, rather than just the fifth wheel that nobody cares about! But oh my, what am I even suggesting here?

Anyway. It's getting bright and the birds are tweeping - time to go to bed I suppose.