The Chainveil - Musings on Clarity and Selfdestruction

When it comes to identifying with Liliana Vess, I usually took things in the abstract. I mean, diving deeper into the Lore, what she's dealing with is an aweful lot of pain - which she endures in exchange for power. I'm not sure if this is just the Chainveil or more of a general thing, but the Chainveil is said to cause real pain only a few would be able to withstand.

To me that would just be a McGuffin "for the worthy" - for seriously, I don't truly have masochistic ambitions.
And even, or especially, after the stresses of the last few days I'm no more inclined to change my mind on the matter.

However, maybe just a little. When it comes to Clarity and LUST - I know it can be a powerful drive that would get me to do things I normally wouldn't. It is a can of worms ... which I'm not seriously inclined to open. I think I tackled the issue enough ... always coming back around to the same end. But this morning gave me a new perspective - alongside other thoughts and considerations that had been on my mind as of late.


Accelleration is the word. So the idea that much of this world does not serve much of a purpose, but to speed up or consolidate certain things that would otherwise have taken ages ... and then some. Thus it would seem that a separation is inevitable. "These and those". The concept of repentance is hereby a long standing peace offer to just generally allow everyone to get on board before we sail away - sotospeak.

And there's no mind-games here, except for one maybe. The promise of power, or so it would seem in that one fantasy scenario where there's a legitimate win in the bag for them, actually taking the crown. For at that point ... we'd just leave and ... then what?
Well, some would say that it stinks ... and at some point we should just try to feed them back their own shit and see what comes of it.

So long it has become a wisdom to me, that there is no negotiating with the wicked, for every opportunity they get they'll just betray You anyway.
It's sad, in a way. Kind of puzzling. But at the end of the day I'm out of mental and emotional resources to give a fuck anymore.

But that's a different story.
I guess.


The thing about Clarity and its truth is ... that I, I suppose, would have taken a lot of shit for a long long time. And God knows what lengths this would have gone to - as to wonder whether or not, or the extent to which I'd be worthy of the real Chainveil.
It is at last a hypothesis. A dream maybe. And while my concept of heaven is one thing, my theoretical understanding of my Clarity was or is another. And there I was, segmenting myself. Seeing to which depths my mind would "sink". And from there the concept of the No Norm theory was born. Eventually ... I'd have enough of it. I would want or need time to reflect about my life, consciously omitting the concept of choice here, (AND GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I did not think that this would feel as though I'd be passing actual shrapnell through my intestines. I'm sure that'd be a lot worse actually but ... ); And supposedly feel about 'them' as I feel 'now' - and have before. Maybe this past nonsense was in part a trip through my subconscious, or my subconscious was in part influenced through "that" - but there is a seriously strong overlap between those feelings and this nonsense.

And so, yea - sure I'm biased and I probably shouldn't be the one passing any judgments on them ... unless they stand by it and want to act like they did me a favor. I mean, that's one thing that has creeped me out about those Puzzles. I certainly had head-theatre going, where ... getting a solution to the next step would be a celebration and time for bonding and ... and that with intimacies and open kink sharing. Which ... makes them kind of adorable in a way, but ... it's also just flat out disgusting to me.
Just to have that stated and on the record.

I suppose that it would be some inner circle nonsense that I had the privilege to be chosen into ... but because of my background "I'm sure You'll understand" they had to take some extra precautions. Yea "Fuck off and keep Your pre-emptive fetish wedding gifts to Yourself".

And if I had made it to a certain point and then betrayed him ... he'd be very disappointed in me. "Ooooooh [sad emoji]".


Yes yes nature. I just wrote as much and it would have gone on for centuries, maybe millennia or even up into the millions. That's not what's up for debate here.

But before I go on about respect, maybe we should start with Rape. It all started with the physical transgression; Though today we talk of things much much before that. Like micro-expressions. And if You ask me, for all I care, Yes and Amen! I mean, I haven't been in an abusive relationship in this lifetime - well, none that got seriously abusive - other than the shit in my mind. And so when I see it on TV I see something I can point to and say: Yea, that's what's up! So, Travellers. On the one hand we have the protagonist and his relationship with "his wife"; And on the other we have Jeff and Carly. The thing between the protagonist and "his wife" is subtle and stays sublte - for he has no ill intentions but the situation is seriously fucked up nonetheless. Is it rape? Is it not? Well, sure, in a way it is. Can it be forgiven? Well yea, rather easily I'd say. Between Jeff and Carly however ... well. Whatever. The point I'm trying to get at is this: "Tell me how to be and I'll be that" attitude, or on the other the "Behave in order to get some" attitude. Have I lost them?

The problem however isn't in the act, it's in the personality and in the situation - and YES ... You can't change that unless You understand the problem. And when You understand the problem then You understand that there is no amount of fixing that can be done.
No means no! Unless You maybe successfully weasel Your way back into good graces or do enough gaslighting to get back into her pants - well, You bought Yourself some time but it won't change the problems at heart.
There is no amount of fixing that can fix that which isn't even there.
And I assume there's only two modes to those people: "Damn I don't understand women!" and "OK, the hard way it is!".

And as wonderfully shown in Travellers, eventually what You need is a Gun.

For they who escalate beyond the personal comfort zone need to be escalated against.

It's not difficult!
And that's also why I strongly argue against starting relationships based on lies. It's all fun and games until one takes it a little bit too seriously.

But well, that wouldn't help me with my problems. "Where's the Lie?!" - who the fuck cares? A Lie only emerges in contrast to a truth that is known. Mistakes happen nonetheless - and if I'm just unhappy, well, "Sorry for Your loss!" - and don't make me regret having said sorry.

I have learned that even something as small as a thank You isn't only wasted on them, it's a trap!


They are the kind of people that will make up the most convoluted fucked up mess; And if You don't find the exact right words to say in the exact right moment, that's a subtle hint from You that You want it actually. And when confronted with these things they're like "what else should I/we do?".

And so I don't even feel safe talking about respect here.

So they do whatever to me - and my resistance gives me glory; And to them that's like "their work". So, I have to be grateful that I deserve the Chainveil, when there wouldn't be a reason to fucking weild the damn thing if it weren't for them in the first place. And I wouldn't be so much worthy of it ... as we have it here. I'm only worthy of it, as we have it here, in a fantasy way where we can only talk about it like this because the world was made as it is as opposed to letting this nonsense continue for God knows how long.


Then I look at Elden Ring and Shadow of the Erdtree and I see someone that seems to understand me.


Sigh. Weakness is a terrible thing.
What does it mean to relent? I mean, that's one issue at the heart of it. They keep being like "OH pwease!" - although maybe more sternly, more seriously, more angrily ... making me feel uncomfortable head to toe because I have to tense up and block them from my spirit - and woe if I slip, for that to them is a "Oh, You secretly want it after all!". (Oh there's another one ... Bullet in the Head. I'm getting some Kill Bill vibes here. And I don't want to play this at all. Previously - or when I'm not writing about it - I'm like "DO IT! (Bitch ass Pussy!)". Because I'm high on privilege, as it were.)
But sure, I don't have the strength to do as I would, nor the care to sit through with it. I mean, I'd have to see God's ledger on the matters to see how much I would have to see him suffer before we could actually talk.

I mean, on and off he seems like he got it and turns around, but takes like five seconds or so for him to change his mind and have some idea of how this or that lingering thought might be a secret indicator of some sort.


Officially, the case is settled. There never was anything and for safety reasons I'm removed from them. They have to get their shit together, forget about me, and try to find 'fulfillment' (another way).

I mean, at this point in the story ... well, actually I've gone smoking and got my mind off of it a little bit; So it seems kind of wrong and unfair to keep going here; But I'm sure it'll pass. At this point so You'll have to forgive me for being the one to "re-initiate" the issue, but the point has already come anyway where terms like "Miscarriage" and "Cyst" are on the forefront of my mind when it comes to describing this relationship.

This takes me to the wonderful dream of a life without agony. And so I thought that I might entertain them if they were to just cater to me for a while. But then I'd be interested in other things, make out with someone I'm actually interested in; And the whole story continues around jealousy and the "I'm not Your property" debate.

To which he'd say "We'll see about that!" (flashes with the keys and does some dingeling). And is that not a form of violence? Would it only be self-defense if someone ... You know ... disappeared him?

It's not easy being a woman when men like this have taken an interest in You. I mean, I do what I can to seek out harmony, to do right by everyone, to seek peace - but You just can't with people like this. From the part where it's thoroughly unfair ... to the part where You'd need Navy Seals Team Six just to feel kind of safe at home.


And we haven't even talked about the whole 'Identity Theft' angle yet. I mean, Laws do exist for a reason; And I would think that it has been well understood throughout the ages. And no, I don't need to be shown "how wrong I am" with this, I certainly do have more first hand experience with this than I care to have.

"But ... what's that supposed to mean?". This is one of those points where I'm not sure if they only act stupid or actually believe ... . I suppose it's both. Of course, in the right company, it's all clear. But You're not the right company if You're declared victim. There I guess they all agree somehow to be victims to the hierarchy, go figure; And I really don't care about what codes of honor they operate on. I'm busy fending off those spiritual nooses that are at this point getting slung around me.
Kind of makes me feel uneasy.
Especially the one around the neck.

And that's kind of ... where we leave the common sphere and move on to ... eschatology.


From Wikipedia: Eschatology (from Ancient Greek ἔσχατος (éskhatos)'last'and -logy) concerns expectations of the end of present age, human history, or the world itself.


Because ... well. I am who I am ... and apart from being his "prized posession" (which I'm not, by the way) I'm also the chosen of God, the ACTUAL one (and not this fake ass hoot-la-hoot (I just made that word up, so, let's just say that it means something between "who knows/who cares" and "be gone") excuse of a man), and between duty and expectations there's an idea that I try to live up to - (not so much because it is a burden put upon me by God by the way; But because I made my own choices and found myself in a position from where I could). And there's a little bit of a twisted relationship going on when it comes to answers. If I were to tread carefully I would not assume to be in a position of giving answers, but on the other hand that would to me mean that my mind were to remain stagnant. If I can't verbalize thoughts and assumptions, I just can't move mentally, but at that point I'd also 'assume' a role put upon me rather than living my life as I see fit. So, it's a bit weird, nothing too dramatic; But at any rate, "there it is", the issue of (or with) the Antichrist.

"He who would seat himself in the Temple of the Most High and proclaim himself to be God".

And so, what am I to make of this? I sure don't want to be unfair or jump to unjust conclusions, but I don't see much of an end to this story outside of something eschatological happening.

Well, perhaps any resolution to this topic would be implicitly eschatological; At least in as far as it were up to me. For what are my choices? Either I bow down or I don't. And I won't, and that's that!

And that's the easy part!

But I presume what he has on mind isn't really "back to normal" either.


I mean, if You asked me, the case is pretty clear cut. We're dealing with a megalomaniac psychopath who uses the veil of friendship to bring Sodom and Gomorrah upon us, and in case we should escape his devious lures he threatens us with nuclear annihilation. If we want to move past this, the only options I see are somewhere between torture and a death sentence. String him up, cut him up, I don't care!

Anything left to say?

So, what if they repented? Well, the power is theirs! "Do it!"


We've just been through this, haven't we? Still the absolution thing?
Just so they can dangle the "absolution" card in front of us and we'll be having this whole shit all over again? No! Be down on Your knees and beg for mercy, then we shall see!

And if I don't see full and earnest repentance ... then I won't see it at all!
And yet the last few days have shown me much to the contrary. As mentioned before, what I see is the threat of Nukes - and that ... doesn't really help their case now, does it?

The keys to the Kingdom are the least that I shall expect.
But I will not bargain for them.


I mean, the shit I have to do just to keep them out of my comfort zone ... doesn't leave me with much of a comfort zone at all! It's exhausting and I want it to stop. And that's ... I guess ... I almost forgot.

The stress of it all. And ... it could have been so easy!


And it keeps mounting. And so I have to wonder, where is all that coming from?
If not ... from what I suspect?

---

At this point I kind of lost the plot, I'm busy keeping this Spiritual manifestation in check. However the story goes, however it is spun, it always ends here. So, maybe I'm not friendly enough, but well, I'm Traumatized and I try to defend myself. Nothing has ever been given to for me to not be hostile to them; But instead my trust and good will was abused at what feels like every opportunity they had.

I figure that they took me as a trophy long before I could even walk ... and the implication that they would expect friendship from me is preposterous. That they deem themselves more capable than me to get my work going is also kind of hilarious when at every step of the way they would need me to course correct them. I don't assume that there is any true artistic impulse in them, while I presume that all they see is money, power and influence.

Their belief in my turning is also a whole thing - but sure; At this point in time I'm not so much laughing as I am stressed out by it. And I'm quite positive, that unless they change, this is only going to get worse.

Until one way or another - it ends.

And is this a healthy state of mind? I don't think it is!


And holy shit, I almost wrote something that could have been misconstrued as an invitation for him to take me out - and onto a date and tie me up and whatever. Something to the effect of me wanting some relief to maybe clear my head. Which took me to a smokebreak and then some laying in bed while thinking back of the thing ... of the things I'd rather fuck or get fucked by - and a Shitmonster is definitely higher up on that list. I'd say that a Barb Wire Golem beats him out by a tiny margin. I might even beg for it, if I had to.
And if You want to feed me to the Lions, then I'm out. Fuck All! You can't do that to me! It's not like I'm not used to it; And I know what good silly dreams of comfort and peace do to me. They don't end well.

So, Nukes it is I guess! Let it rain then!

I mean, if my rejection of him is as a condemnation - then ... "Good Fucking Riddance!" I guess.

I mean, if I projected the hypothesis of a line I'd have to serve off before even considering it, he might try to become pushy again ... which would irk me greatly, and again, back we are to the beginning of the story. No lessons learned, no words fell on any kind of fertile ground. That's my whole experience with him in a Nutshell. Only ego and bla bla.

I'm curious what the afterlife has in store for me.
I'd rather be alone in a dark void ... until this shit gets resolved.


The secret sauce: Priorities.
For those who serve find exaltation.

---

I have left: One bag of pasta (2 servings, which is basically one meal - where for a full day I usually needed more), three bags of soup, some pickles (that are just past the expiration date (06.23) - and after that it's just change for probably bread rolls. And I dare not open the mailbox.

Cereylla: What the Fuck? Don't tell me ... that that's something I would have to discuss just because someone took my ideas and went on to flesh them out while claiming that I'm some dipshit that wouldn't have made anything with it! - OK, I abandoned it because I didn't "feel it" anymore because I felt like ... that'd be a whole pile of Bullshit I didn't have the time for. I moved on and created something newer than that, ... a lot more humble, there's even a somewhat serious plot to it; And would work perfectly for a videogame. Not that I don't have game ideas for Cereylla; Though while Cereylla is thoroughly inspired by all sorts of artwork, Agoraeyah is more of an original idea built on inspiration from God. Call it a pet project that I found to be more interesting and creatively challenging.