Me and my Husband, my Husband and I

The main reason I'm writing this is because I've said some mean things to God, like ... seriously mean ... the Kids shouldn't hear ... and the odd thing is ... HE has been counting on it. I mean, HE does in fact give me a lot of shit ... and on the other end I wouldn't be me if I had no skepticism of HIM.

If You want something more "Proof-like", there's the story of Jacob ... who, if I recall correctly, first fought with God and then there was that stairway to Heaven. I wouldn't mind if that's not the Biblical order, but it's the interpretation recently grown in my mind.
To say ... that the idea that God wants us to be humble and subservient is BULLSHIT.

The next reason was to ponder upon the nature of this relationship, or more so, write of it - for my pondering takes me to the same Place. HE is with me - and that's where I get all of my "Bullshit" from. It's like, we're married, I'm the Queen, HE is my man ... but outside of that, the two of us, it's difficult to explain, like ... it's kind of not official. I could say that it is and therefore it would be ... but ... that also just kind of. I mean, we probably got married at some point in private ... or maybe not ... which is kind of how this whole thing is a bit iffy. But HE say's HE's pulling through for me ... and so, that's what I'll have to rely on. [Confused Girl in front of Fire meme #skepticism].

Yes - sure. It's sad, kind of. Yesterday ... was bad. I'm an emotionally damaged individual, and God being like all good to me and stuff wouldn't help me much, deal with this nonsense.

But oof. I mean, do I mean it? Do I not mean it? I kind of do - because seriously - but I also kind of don't ... because HE's the Man.


Well, thats kind of superficial also. I mean, I've been starting to read Allogenes - again - where, I'm not sure how many of these texts I've read beginning to end, but it's not many. And this one is one of those I barely read past the beginning.

I mean, they make sense for as long as they do - and beyond that it's kind of ... pointless. Other than to have the information so that when something dings a bell You know where to look.
I mean, I don't know why or how ... but when I'm looking for something in the Bible ... it's kind of magic how I'm not getting lost in it.
I mean, I do get lost sometimes - not finding what I'm looking for, but overall I have like ... almost photographic memory. Like, I know in about what the page is supposed to look like.

And that's one of those thing. Reading Allogenes, there are the parts about the Barbelo which ... do in some way apply to me. In simplest terms - there's the paradoxes in the text; And while HE is the side of it that's infinity - I'm the side of it that is limitation. So, I truly don't know everything - or much at all - but also I kind of do ... knowg and understand things as if I did.

It makes no sense until it does ... and that's ... kind of a part of it.
Like ... generally speaking You can extract the understanding from the text, that "Clarity" is this infinite sea of possibilities ... and thus it follows that it converges with us around moments where we converge with it - and by being then somehow "blessed by it", we become a solid part of it. So it changes. I have there an empty spot for instance, where there would be someone to fit in - but that would only really start to have an impact once that person is also a part of it. I would to that person be a solid fixture - but in as far as that person might still be undecided or figuring things out, it'd also all still be kind of open. And I may just have been the first to be "let in" on the whole.

Not that it would matter ... in as far we the first ones wouldn't necessarily have an immediate or significant connection, but well.


But the Barbelo is complicated. I don't fully understand what to make of it - but there certainly is this ... well, as just stated. Or the thing I would otherwise call "the Phoenix Force". My Godhood Extensions.

Which, sure, didn't stop me from getting robbed blind; But if You're getting too hung up over it, You're making the same mistakes as they do. Hmm ... yea, subtle joke from the spirit.

Well, I hope it won't come to that.


It's not too too complicated ... if You look at me as a (mostly) "normal" human being - with quirks and issues, mostly subject to the same rules. Most of what I tell You here started off as weird realizations that kind of made sense and started to be the things HE would relate to me through.
And there's weird little things. Like, HE doesn't like me to wear HIM as a hat, but HE likes to wear me as a hat - but HE really doesn't like me to stand on HIM, except sometimes it's appropriate. HE's more like a Pet to me ... while I'm like a Fairy in a Jar to HIM ... stuff like that.

What irks me the most is HIS silence; So, HIS secrecy, like ... I really can't know 'the Plan' except tiny hints here and there which are almost too much but then sometimes I'm like supposed to know ... which stresses me out and that's ever so often where HE needs me to be ... but when I'm really on the brink or pissed or just give up for any one of a number of reasons HE's kind and fair and shows me that I wasn't really acting out of line ... and by and large all of this makes it sound more horrible than it generally is.

We also have nicknames for each other, though they kind of change and get invented on the fly ... like, I'm HIS Knalltuete ("Bang Bag", german term for "crazy person") and HE is my Frechdachs ("Naughty Badger", german term for a little Naughty Person) - HE really (desperately) wants to be a Cool Kid but HE also really doesn't like the 'Bad Boy' stench ... and it's true. I mean, imagine HIM doing the physics for some stupid Bullshit someone does - and everyone's like "Oh, they're so Cool" and HE's like ... pfft.

And yea, I know what that feels like, but I really don't have the patience, self-control or foresight to just shrug it off the whole time.

We're so close to each other and yet so distant - and it aches my heart, truly, that I have to feel lonely and abandoned the whole time while HE is right there, yet barely able to comfort me. If that's even a way to describe ... it.