The Hollow
So I woke up this morning, "the usual" (well, it kind of ... has become so) bullshit came my way, I dodged it - yay
- all is well ... but then it just happened anyway. My heart became sore ... though with enough round about to see it
as ... kind of a hypothetical. Which also tells me that ... me thinking that I could have somehow pushed through it,
like ... "egg unbroken" ... is a fantasy.
I suppose there are lessons here that I wouldn't have ... learned. Ever. Because ... well ... "skill issues".
What stands out to me now is that ... this issue isn't something You can 'will' or 'think' Your way out of. It's about
the thing in-between. And what one is to do, is to protect their heart. Essentially. Once that's OK, that's going to
translate into the wanting and the thinking also.
I suppose that a lot of therapy follows this same principle, albeit it doesn't rely on esoteric concepts and more on
a clinical understanding of potential causes and potential effects of certain modes of behavior.
And yea, that's it I guess ... the innate gnostic understanding of what others might refer to as a 'depression'.
And now on with the show:
What it's worth
That light at the end of the tunnel that I saw but was skeptical of, well, it vanished again. As expected. So, I guess
it rather mirrored my own situation at the time rather than being a prophetic omen; And that's also why these things are
meaningless to me. Whether I'm fine or not doesn't change ... anything.
And so, here I am. Again. Contemplating the pros and cons of projecting strength versus admitting "defeat" (weakness).
And I guess it's one of those things. On the one side I would learn that admitting weakness is OK, it is a sign of
strength, but then ... why do I get shit for it?
I mean, when I talk of strength in the context of me ... and I suppose it has to be made clear (though I was under the
impression that it 'is' understood, thus not feeling a need to elaborate. 'My bad') ... isn't about Astral Projection
nonsense but more like ... 'strength of heart' or some other abstract like that. My ability to bounce back. My ability
to ... "draw from the Universe" ... or whatever.
At long last I might also have "Astral Strength" - but still, here I am, as always ... exhausted and their Bullshit keeps
on going.
That's why I hate Y'all.
So, this Lego story ... tell me that it isn't what I said it would be. That ... they're not getting away with it. That
the Police will be defunded and a reasonable alternative implemented - or whatever the/a resolution might be.
I don't think that they 'think' they're getting away with it, they'll however try - or as they'd possibly say: "do it";
As the only way to come out on top of this.
And who am I? Jona? Sitting here? Well, what about You? Did You repent?
And what can I say? I'm beyond my last nerves ... at this point, several times over. Isn't that strength?
Or am I just lazy? I suppose ... that must be it.
But fair. I mean ... I was watching this story unfold ... trying to be skeptical; Because those were BIG accusations -
from what I first heard from it - making me mightily upset, so, with every burst of it - I was afraid that I might be
missing something. It's funny though to see the "Zombie Slope" in action. They just have to one-up themselves ... like
... always. And I swear ... I smelled that this one guy was Mormon ... before it was revealed to me. Something about
the house. Well, something did smell Mormon.
And I don't know. I Love 'em ... but certainly not all of them.
I mean, I don't have much forgiveness left in me.
I mean, it's virtually all I do. It feels that way. Like ... what else am I going to do? Be upset about my situation?
Oh, I then try not to be. Until I'm upset again.
Does context matter?
I mean, on a sidenote ... what I just did was that I opened up a gate to Hell (or "the outer darkness" (really, I never heard
the term before - which is ... one thing that always gets me about Mormonism. Ever so often I don't know what the fuck people
are talking about when they talk about it. I know there's three Kingdoms of Glory ... or how to put it ...)) and threw whatever
Character was dragging me down at that point into it. And I felt good afterwards.
Translation: "I don't have much forgiveness left in me". So, I don't know what the context adds here - I find it crazy. It's
perhaps just emotional housekeeping. Again I can feel stuff creeping about and ... I suppose it's pathetic.
Sometimes I feel incredibly strong; And other times the very same thing just seems so weak. I probably have some kind of parasite
on me. Sometimes I just feel paralyzed, like, unable to even react.
I mean, it's kind of like ... they're Brainwashing me. Love Bombing, giving me power, that kind of thing - except ... via this
kind of Bullshit ... into some kind of fictitious community of figments in my imagination. And then I'm contempt because I
expect You to do "the thing" and it'll all be fine somehow. And then I feel like I'm the bad guy because I'm such a whiny
bitch about it all ... but what else am I gonna do?
The thing is ... between projecting strength and admitting weakness ... there's more than just pride. Or ... maybe 'between'
isn't the right word here. It's ... linked to an acceptance that's ... more insidious than just ... peace of mind. It's to
get conditioned ... to just ... let it be the way it is because hey, what else am I going to do?
And yea ... it may be the better way, in a way. So for me to not sugarcoat it for You; And strip the story from all the
fantasy such that the only thing that remains is Your naked ass on whatever line that it sits on.
There's a way. And if You refuse to go it ... well, that's that. Good Bye! That's ... how the Parable of the 10 Virgins reads
to me.
I have to fend for my own at some point; And expect You to do the same. Except ... we're kind of supposed to work together;
And ... yea. Well, I'm ... trying to figure out how to do that ... from where I am. And yea, I can see how this is a part of
it.
But I also don't. I mean, I don't have answers. I mean.
Is it attitude (Perfection, the Aeon)? Does it help? Thinking (Wisdom, Image), Wanting (Perfection, Understanding) - I don't
know. What does it help? There's the heart ... there's stuff that can be done. Whatever.
Now I'm getting shit again.
Well, that's it. Good bye! For now. I have to go licking wounds again.
So, while the router was connecting I had some time to do that ... being by some twist of the mind task to "figure it out myself".
What is "it"? It's mean ... sometimes, as these hints ... they can be kind of faint, lost in the soup; And in this instance my
mind would further resist because ... "what am I gonna do?". Anyway ... something about those being my own demons, just in my
head, rather than some Astair thing - some weird mix, whatever. At long last however ... I think it was important to FIRST of all
understand ... whether or not I can even help myself. Because ... I'm under the impression that I can't. And that's kind of what
this story so far boils down to. My condition and all. And the answer is NO.
I'm there reminded of a verse in the Bible. Or is it the book of Mormon/D&C? ... well, it's something along the lines of:
"Doctor help Yourself" ... as a statement to mirror the ignorance of the people in respects to the Will of God. At the long end
of it - I won't need Your help. I'll be fine.
Maybe there's more, but in this condition ... I'm not going to figure that out or write much of meaning about it.
Is this an admission of defeat? Well, it's YOUR ass that's on the line.