something special

So, ... I woke up, felt alright ... until some voice of reason came in - and yea. What can I say? I have no more weed, I have some cash on my nightstand ... and it only makes sense to "come to my senses" ... rather than ... what's the word? 'sulk'? around wanting for a resolution that may or may not come.

It sounds reasonable, but is utterly incompatible with my attitude right now. And I don't know ... but one thing I surely hate is ... some 'back and forth' that I don't understand ... that comes ... seemingly out of nowhere. At the very least it 'hurts' ... and it induces stress ... and that ... regardless of whether the associated beliefs on either side of this are true.


And this ... 'reasonable idea' ... it drives me all kinds of nuts. Within the last few month I've acquired an attitude and I've honed it. And to just go against it ... it causes all sorts of issues. Like, sure ... I can agree to the reason within, stay calm; And see the past as an episode with some worth yet to be determined ... while I keep going as one ought to. But should anyone assume that this past episode passed without leaving a mark on me?

So, internally, emotionally, I look at this "reasonable idea" and I spit in its face. It stands for everything I hate ... about life, about God, about reality ... at this point at least. How am I supposed to react to getting lured here or there with wild promises ... that then all and always turn out to be ... Bullshit. At some point ... I have to say ... FAAAAAAK JUUUU!

And I can try not to. I can try to stay calm ... as one should, I suppose, but so we just glance by this growing pile of dung ... and I have to do the work to not want to shove it down Your throats.
And that's then ALL I have to do, given the ... enormity of the stresses right now.


I hate feeling like the butt end of every joke. "I'll be fine" ... OK. But how? Am I fine? I don't feel fine. And it's worse in moments where I'm absolutely not fine ... and someone somewhere is like ... just incapable of dealing with it. I have to be fine ... "or else". Like, at some point I have to wonder what the definition of 'fine' even is. Not knowing where this is going, why we're doing what we're doing ... it makes sense. But this "this is the end" "nope just kidding" bullshit ... what is that supposed to do for me? Toughen me up?

If the idea were to suck the life, soul and spirit out of me and turn me into a drone ... then sure, this is the way!
If I don't quit on the way there.


It's also like ... everyone's just taking me for granted. Put shit in ... and out comes gold. Yuhey, so ... shit it is ... for the rest of my life?

And "Monica" ... so, the only emotional "Anchor" of any kind I have other than what God wants to be ... I don't know. I just don't. At times she's the primary offender in all of this. Well, for what's going on in my head, that is. And sure ... I can't trust it. Bow how am I then to ... deal with it? Like - I get that 'I' utterly don't matter. I'm just the butt end of the joke and not supposed to have ... a heart and mind of my own. At some point then, this is all just in our heads ... and because we don't like each other just being there ... unable to read and respond to each other's moods ... we start to hate each other. And ...


Pfffssshhhwwwwu....

That's another WHOLE THING that I understand ... less and less. Why is it there? How is it a thing? [Lights a match] ... does it burn?


I mean, tell me what You will, but for the most part I'm just here ... being myself. And what that is ... is increasingly ... unwell. And then we're more and more at each other's throats than ... being like ... a team. I mean ... everything ... from start to finish ... every problem I kind of have left ... is due to the fact that I'm alone. How am I to keep order? Keep tabs? Do anything with the neccessary calm and perspective? Or what ... I don't know ... with the mess that's in my head? Like, I can't even ... make any sense of ... that.

[blows out the match]. Too close for comfort?


Like, could it be so ... that ... it's true ... that You're now the ones supposed to act? How would You know? And how would I know in all this back and forth, yet another fata morgana hey there's 20 more peaks to climb and a herd of horses yet to be eaten?

For what? What does the clock say?


I mean, can it be that I'm always the one in the wrong? I mean, I have reasons to make me think that I'm right in this matter; And You have reasons that make You think that You are. But well ...



That's just for context. Just so ... for an idea about what happens within me ... when that 'reasonable idea' was brought up.



But Segulo points the way ... and so, I calmed down ... got up ... sat on my "couch" ... stared ahead ... and then a book peaked my interest. Clara, by F.W.J. Schelling; As part of the Edition Argo. That's important now because of the commentary in it. This book was the source of inspiration to say 'Clarity' to what I these days call 'Clarity'. But it's not so much the content of the book that did this; But a few words ... kind of taken out of context maybe. I mean, I suppose the passage was/is(?) somewhat esoteric to begin with.

And so I tred to read it ... normally.
And it starts with a quote.

"The more we recognize the limitation of this world, the more sacred any appearance of a higher, better one within it will be for us. [We will never rashly demand it, but where it is found by itself, where we find a heart, that has the Heavens within itself, a Soul, that is a silent Temple of heavenly revelation, an Act or a Work, in which the outside and the inside come to show themselves as reconciled by divine calm, those we will envelop with loving force, keep them sacred and venerate as sign of a world, in which the Outside is subject to the Inside, as here the Inside is subject to the Outside]".

And it's a guiding theme, it seems to me, of Konrad's writing ... that inside and outside are contrasted ... within an emphasis of unity. He's almost like ... the guy that picked up where Schopenhauer left off.

And because Schopenhauer didn't leave in glory ... nobody cares about what followed. Or it's just ... way too esoteric and spiritual.


But apart from the implication (the "we" part, like ... I read it and ... I feel like it might land on deaf ears ... while a part of me also just scoffs at it like ... "sure we do!". I mean, I guess we do ... but, now ... nowadays ... it's almost just empty talk without meaning or substance it seems ...) - what I call Clarity strikes the same beat.
It would be one of many ways in which this duality matters.


So, I argue - when it comes to Clarity - to structure our Outside in Accordance to our Inside ... where the Inside is fathomed within ... untowards Clarity ... which then can be taken outward do make our world accommodate to that which is within. But ... well, there's always issues. And I ought to ignore them. There's like a gate ... and beyond it, Clarity can unfold because unity with God allows us to undergo the transformations that take us there. And those who seek to circumvent it ... can ... but their Clarity is also utterly useless. As one of its outgrowths is ... basically? effectively? literally? all in all? Well ... 'Fascism'. Or worse.

Or as Sigmund Freud would have put it: "Fuck that!". Let's just pretend.


The thing then is the other side. What is here referred to as 'limitations' and then, for the most part, neglected due to the focus on the spiritual side, that's the world. Physics for once. Restrictions maybe, but also pressures. Pressures and all that ... not only from the laws of physics, but also the social environments surrounding us.

What ... let's just settle with it ... Antichristians ... do, is what we might call: Walking on a path of dominance. Take what's inside and impose it on the outside. "Do as "they say" ... but with a twist".
But all they can break, at the end of it, is the social aspect ... and the issue, the problem here is that if we're all following that way ... there's no more outside to impose upon. Then we're back at ... the start ... and a new inside has to emerge to impose itself on the outside.


The Context of the book is that Schelling's wife had just died ... and in his writing he seeks to kind of ... cope with it. Asking questions ... about life, death, mortality, creation ... or to go by Konrad's reading ... our purpose in life. Like, what's the point? To build a life, be happy ... when at any moment the horrors of the world might just come around to lay it all to ash?


But so, the traveling mind ... on this journey ... more and more understands that the 'more' that there is, the 'more' that is "potentially" hidden beyond the veil of mortality ... isn't alone a matter of what's "there" - but what we have "there" is merely a wider context for who we are at large.
Hmm ...
To say ... hmm ... I kind of lost the thread ...


Starting with myself ... given how I am canonically experienced in the matter of being reincarnated ... I have to wonder who or what I am ... given that I started out as a blank slate ... bereft of the memories and experiences that made up entire lifetimes past. I look in the mirror ... see a face ... but it's difficult to see it as my 'self' or 'me' - given how it's just one of many faces I had ... and whatever I make of it will at some point be gone ... .

This idea is counter to the idea that when we die ... our Soul arises with all the memories of its lifetime. That it will take its identity ... as it is or was ... and move on to the next stage of their existence.

Here the question then is ... who or what we are ... once stripped of all the things that ... make up the classical markers of identity and self.


"Deconstruction" - we might call it. Think of the afterlife maybe. What is it, at this point, but a box for various ideas that we deem unresolvable. Hence it's a matter of "faith" ... where, whenever someone takes those ideas too seriously, people may feel justifiably worried. A beloved one dies? Well ... where they are now, we too will once be (unless ...) ... and so there's hope that maybe we'll meet again.
It's a very ... uh ... "Mormon" idea in that the Mormon picture of the afterlife is modeled after what family we have in the here. And it may be "cultural angst" that further drives Christians to reject the idea of rebirth. Uh, ... reincarnation.

And what can I say? It kind of sucks. It's like the cheap version of immortality. You may come to life as a superior being in many ways, but all of that superiority is burried and lost in potentials ... so, good luck making anything of it.
And You seriously don't get any of the perks of 'true immortality'. Like, I can't look at anything that I'm supposed to have a connection with and feel ... how I'm supposed to feel. Or how I suppose I'm supposed to feel. Just a blank wall, basically.

But so we have our preconceived notions ... a view modeled on those ... and subsequently problems with anything that challenges it. The ordinary atheist for instance has a lot of ammunition to call the Biblical God flawed in a great many ways ... and if it turns out that He's actually real ... all of those views come to bear; But must also be challenged for the prospect of a God as ... "stupid and flawed" ... as the one they envision could certainly not exist.


And these things, and more, it's neither here nor there. That's life. It's like asparagus. The one You cut into and it's a smooth and easy cut ... the other one You cut into and it's disintegrating into fibres.

If You have a fulfilled life, family and all that ... I don't know what reasons there are to expect much else from the afterlife. But if You don't ... it's a whole mess. Like, "life is good" ... is one sentence that can just send someone spiralling into depression. So, have fun fathoming the prospects of eternal life.

And that's another thing about re-incarnation. To You ... You may be all new. But You're still You ... and all the issues that You've accumulated don't seem to go away. It's just that now You ... ontop of it all ... have even less of a clue about any of it.


Some aspects of this existence tell us a cyclical story - and the matter of destruction leading to reconstruction is a convenient excuse for those who have the finger on the button, rather than the stakes in what's about to be destroyed.
And I've been through that cycle - in this lifetime - where much of my past is lost because I didn't have the capacity to save it. On one side it is what it is - I can't but look forward. Rebuild. But as I rebuild I also can't help but feel the loss of what isn't there. We build for ourselves ... things that are to last. And when those things are destroyed, we rightfully wonder why we even do it.

It's almost like a sick joke. In this context ... a harrowing realization brought about by the death of a beloved one. And therein may be a clue. If the death of another does this to us ... it is clear that this other added a lot to our understanding of who we are. Of what life is. Of its meaning and purpose.
It's a very ... we might say "curated" idea of life and death ... where there ought to be a creator God to take care of these things; For ... what would be the alternative? How do we feel about living in a ruthless Cosmos ... in which nothing is certain but the immanence of the possible destruction of all that we care about?


And ... believe it or not ... take it or leave it ... what we do there, is to practically take the limitations of this world; And we impose it on the "afterlife". "This is fine" - we say, looking at what we built - and it ought to be protected.

And ... I've been left with the impression that part - or much - of what this lifetime of mine is about, comes down to ... having this forcedly different perspective of things. To come to it ... from the outside - to bring a new vision to the table. And it feels almost Jobian to me ... where what I bring seems to shake the foundations of this old view ... more than they were prepared for.

I feel like to them, I'm part of the other them. I'm treated that way, scrutinized that way ... and the rest is done by their fear from risking any unwarranted exposure.
And fair ... I dare not poke around too much. As to me ... they too are strangers I don't know how to deal with.


And I feel ... fear. A lot of it. And all issues aside ... it seems like it's too much.
At least that's kind of ... where most of the friction is.
Well, all I have is a hammer ... .

And is it not so, that 'there' is 'home'? But what do I find? But the sweat of fear and barricades?


Am I not the fort? Am I not where safety is? Am I not ... where things ought to come together?

[Schoenbuehlstr. 70, 70188 Stuttgart, Germany]

And seriously. If Monica is a part of them, her reluctance to do anything is almost more of a tell ... than if she screamed it into the world. I mean, I don't know what's going on ... actually ... it just doesn't make sense. Nothing adds up.
But so I was there ... yesterday ... trying to sleep, having issues of that sort ... and after a short Dragon Ball sequence triggered by an impulse to get all of "the junk" out of my head ... I looked to her and felt ... something swirling around her. And ... it's not the first time I had the impression that actually ... what I'm dealing with is the B team. Or less. Like, I'm ... "easy". I'm taken care of, at least ... which is to say, the blips around her were stronger than the ones I'm used to. And that too is ... . I mean, most of those blips are easy and simple ... then there's a few that are a bit stronger ... and then there's one that's a lot stronger. So, sending the B team after me was kind of the right play, possibly for the wrong reasons. Because ... I wasn't prepared for that.

And yea, I guess ... I had to learn not to pull my punches. It makes sense, I guess ... . To have mental barriers that would ... minimize my power levels. But ... that's ... just crazy talk right now.


Anyway, one of the things I've come to hate the most about "modern Christianity" or how to put it ... or just Christianity at large ... is this idea of the Apocalypse that things at first will go to shit and then everything is just magically OK - like, the idea being to just do nothing and wait it out.

But that's basically the salt ... having lost its saltiness. So, what is it good for ... but to throw it on the streets and trample all over it? To, for once, speak of the mission. "Pfft". Yea right. Speaking of 'missionary work', these days ... 'pfft' in deed.

But what's it then? Lock yourself away in a hidey hole? "Cuck Boxing the apocalypse"? [Looks at self] ... well, at least I'm trying to do SOMETHING.

And however that's working out for me ... now I'm here ... looking 'this way'; Because that's where the contention seems to be.
But well, if everyone did their best, the resolution ought to be ... just right around the corner.


The faucet in my kitchen is broken.
It's a constant source of dismay for me. Like, any time I want to make coffee I get reminded of the abysmal state of my home.

I also kind of have to wonder about the expression on Monica's face. I mean, she has that ... sad/angry look ... and just as a human being I have to wonder: Is everything alright?


But anyway ... there now go the fantasms or how to call them. I think that's supposed to be addressed at some point too. I mean, I tried to. But like here ... I said a thing, put an image/idea into the world ... and now it's there ... images filled with expressions created by people ... distorting what it initially carried and yet someone might look at it and take it for reality.

And yea, in part that is my vanity speaking ... because I usually have severe disagreements with how I end up looking in those fantasms.
It's almost like ... people tend to underestimate me ... in almost every respect. Or it's just the limited scope of criteria and concepts I'm squeezing myself into; And hence I get a mirror image of what I look like ... in their world.


And what about that? In the grand scheme of things? Would these issues too ... just go away? Be magically fixed?
Yea, well. A part of it is ... certainly ... God's responsibility. But don't I too have a right to feel wronged? I mean, I look around and everyone seems to have it. So, what's different about me? Too much? Too little?

Well.


I don't know if all this makes coherent sense. To me ... it's all stuff that kind of goes into the same pot. Life ... and death ... and what's in between. That's a lot of space.
For a lot of things.

But yea. "Narrating Gnosis" is difficult, because ... in my experience ... doing so creates new Gnosis ... and then what I end up with always tends to look more like rubble than anything else. And yea, the quest to put it all in a cohesive structure ... well, whenever I've tried, I've also failed because of it. Something new, something else forgotten,

And so, I suppose I got used to it. "Ordered Chaos" as some might put it. Like, there's no real concept of what to build - no idea of something to protect - other than ... we might call it ... "a cohesive society".

"And trust me when I say" - that communication is a key part of it. Being able to talk with each other; And having knowledge of what it is we're even talking about ... goes a long way there.


Like, "telepathy" ... sure, OK ... I guess I'm neck deep in it and I still have no clue of what I'm doing. For all I care I'm just ... arguing with figments of my imagination over things that never happened anywhere but in the isolation of my mind.
Isolation of mind ... yea, I wish!

So, what do we then telepathize over? Like ... other than throwing insults at each other?


I'm such a "Nincompoop". OK, what can I do that isn't that? Sorry that I'm trying to get shit done here ...

... I still haven't figured out what it is You're trying to do. I mean, what I thought was the idea has either failed or succeeded ... I don't know ... but it's passed and I can't but ... just shake my head about all of it. I mean, seriously ... . Then I get the flak for whatever follows ... like I asked You to do it.


Like, at what point am I allowed to take these things personally? I mean, they do already offend me personally.


I mean, the only way to justify any of this, right now, at this point, to me ... is ... if at the end of it ... by the time You get to me ... You can also sit me down on a throne with all ready and made. "And the whole world needs to watch". Anything short of that would be a disappointment.

And I'm not great at dealing with disappointment.


Well, it doesn't have to be a throne, I'm not that kind of Queen ... my real throne is elsewhere. But also ... I'm losing my composure. It's like a physical inevitability. Another victim of the world. Another ... crushed soul. Another broken spirit.

And 'will' has very little to do with it. It's difficult for a broken leg to heal if all You're doing is run marathons.
Sorry if I'm not "supposed to" have a broken leg. That's a 'me problem' it seems.

Part 2

Maybe it's unfair ... but I've taken enough shit for it to subconsciously persuade all of my thoughts. It's difficult - and kind of unpleasant, in a way, to try and distinguish which of the shit is fair and which isn't. Like, at the end of the day it's still shit and I'd like something else please!

And yea, it's all rubble ... but I have the thing. You know. So, maybe some digging is warranted. That's my only hope for redemption at all.

Uhm ... sorry ...

Let's try this again

So, what is Clarity?

I'm sorry if what You think about when I use the term ... is Porn. Or worse. And it's understandable if at first - at face value - all of it is just one jumbled mess. The good, the bad and the ugly ... without any lines or distinctions between.

And I'm sorry, sort of, if the kinks that I endorse are, to You, symptoms of weakness. I understand ... but also I don't. I don't ... in the way that comes natural to me. I see the lines, the differences, the distinctions ... because what I enjoy ... works well within a consensual context. Well, were it not for a few things that also have the BDSM community up in arms about me.

But it isn't me ... that drags all the vile and disgusting nonsense into this, I'm sure of it - because for all I care ... I do the opposite. And I get that to You then it makes no sense ... because You're taught that there are no separating lines.

But here's one when it comes to the term of Pedophilia, just so we're on the same page here: There's the general concept of legality where it would be legal for adults to have intercourse with minors ... while for the rest of it we look away, don't care, and let people just have fun. So, we look at the adults ... and think about what we allow them to do and what not. Then someone yells "but think of the children" - and so they're up in arms about all of it. And who done thought of the children? Really? Nobody.

Then there's Pedophilia as from the perspective of age play. The "3000 year old vampire" cliche comes to mind. Yada yada, You know the drill and still we're back on the other side of things. Always. And I have to wonder why that is.

And believe You me ... I've come to hate this topic. And occasionally I'm quasi-ashamed of it. I understand that this must be the ... whole issue. While it also kind of is my whole point. But I don't know what to do ... more than to explain it.

And so I have to look at "those" ... "those" who drag the view back into the other compartment.

And I find this time around is first of all ... that Clarity is more of a timeless concept. It goes beyond the limitations of this world ... and that's a thing. To begin with.


So, then ... maybe ... try to explain to me what's wrong about my idea. Then look at the problem, take it ... and throw it away. Or more the point, understand, that if it is a real problem - and I trust that You have the capacity to figure that out - I would also understand it to be a real problem, hence I wouldn't say that this is the thing.
Because it's a problem ... with the thing.
But not the thing itself.

As recently ... "discovered".

So, I try to be smart and say "OK, whatever You think I mean by Pedophilia, I'm against it too". Just easy. But ... that's ... too smart I suppose.

And that's like ... literally my life. Acting like I said things that I never said, trying to make up for things I never did, trying to fix beliefs that I don't have.


So, to look at the line I was drawing ... if ALL we care about is what we may or may not do as adults ... with no consideration beyond that ... some things are off the table because we can't trust each other. Some matters are hotly debated, like, whether or not people should be allowed to own weapons.
And as with weapons ... You either "give" them or not ... and if You do ... that's that. End of the story. But yea ... who's "giving" away children? That's not what I am talking about, but that's what You are seeing.

The thing about "Jolly go Holly" - the way I see it, the way I'm against it - is, that it requires ... well, we might call it infrastructure. Economy. It becomes a business. "Pedophilia is legal - let's kidnap some girls and put them into brothels" - is what You're seeing. Or, well, for a matter of fact ... worried about. At no point am I trying to argue that ... that's OK.
But I suppose that's what 'they' want You to see so that once You're finally capitulating, THAT's what You're agreeing with. And of course ... nobody cares what I have to say about it and still I'll get all the shit for it if it goes wrong.

So, the way I see it, they are sitting there, acting all neutral and sane and rational ... like they belong and should have a say ... while all they do is take care of their hidden agenda to be advanced. And so I'm here saying OK, if that's what YOU chose ... then that's that. I'm out.


Like, why do I have the 'thing' if nothing ever happens my way, is done my way ... just for You to then end up agreeing with "it" - while "it" was the whole reason to reject me in the first place.


That's my impression.

And maybe it is because You think, or feel, like they're the ones who ought to give me what I want - for who else would ... or could ... be this way; And sorry ... but I feel like You're forgetting a key detail there.

Like, YOU then allow them to do whatever ... OK, fine ... and that's it?
End of the story?


Like, I wasn't going to take things personally at first ... but what am I to make of this?

You let them convince You that what I meant is the opposite of what I say. Because ... "reasons" ... and well, do I get the chance to react? Then You say, well, I can write about it. But why is the narrative still theirs? Where is my say in the matter?
Like here then, this is between You and me - YOU running defense for THEM where THEY ... circumvent the need to convince ME of their nonsense by convincing You that that's what I meant. Is that so?


Like ... because it's 'real enough'?

And then I'm the bad guy again because I wasn't a big enough piece of shit - and further because the only way out I see at this point is a bloody revolution because ... nu uh.
Not if I have a say in the matter.


Then it's said that I'm biased. Well, why wouldn't I be? I'm looking at it - the world I'll eventually, probably, be re-incarnated into and I'm feeling a bit more uneasy while You tell me that that's what I want. But again You're missing the first thing about it.

So, are we seriously planning on giving them like ... their own country just to farm ... people for meat?

So reasonable.
And why? We just said it's OK. Who's we? I don't know!

Not me!


So, there's a very long string of the word 'no' in succession ... that I have to utter, before ... taking this seriously past this point.
I mean, if You told me that Monica is an Antichristian or maybe even THE Antichrist, then I'd have a problem. It would be nice to know such things up front. Because ... the way I relate to her would significantly change. And because I don't know which way to take it ... I can't make heads or tails of it. Like, it's a minefield.

I mean, it makes no sense in my head because how I'm introduced to her, she's where I went after being removed from whom I think are the Antichristians and the reason I was removed is ... this kind of shit. The abuse, the ignorance, the shit ... being functionally nothing more than a feel good condom.

So yea, there's bias.


The thing about role-play is that they're not the real thing. If I want to get raped "like I was ..." ... there's a layer of separation ... like, if we were to play Doctor and Patient, I wouldn't need a medical degree and You wouldn't need a serious health problem.
And yea, they get hung up over ... whatever. "Role Play" is easy to counter by "the Real thing" - but what the real thing is, well, they probably lie about practically everything about it. And You'd swallow it up. That's just ... how this story went so far.

As for me ... well. Worse case? I'm not getting brutalized as hard. K. To quote the Architect: "There's levels of survival we are prepared to accept ...".


If I'm so biased and unreliable that all I say is virtually meaningless, then why didn't the Antichrist, whom all so willingly listen to anyway, get the thing?

Maybe my biases are fair?


Like so You "pfft" at the prospect of missionary work. But what is missionary work at this point? It's all music and movies. It rocks, it's cool, it's epic. We go hard ... . Like, if it were up to me we'd all be sitting here, "singing Kumba-Yah" and smoking a joint. So, next step: Party! But ... uh, yea, I'm the Nincompoop.

I mean, it's as they say. All You want is someone to follow and You don't care about their morality. No?

And for as long as that's the case, things will go to shit - because: You teach people to be non-violent because that's what social cohesion demands; And yet You demand violence to take place for a leader to emerge.


All reason and rationality is like ... pearls before the pig.

Last resort: Torches and Pitchforks.


And no! I don't need to try Antichristian Cock. I don't need to give him a chance to prove how well he's mastered the technique of masquerading as someone pleasant. It's all a ruse, a mind-trick, to get me to accept something in which he'll run off taking charge and what follows isn't much different to what came before. And back I am in the closet ... not the LGBTQ one ... while everyone laughs saying "she's fine" when I express my dissatisfaction.

Also, I believe they're all gay. Like ... I believe it is to do with how disgusting they are. It's like ... no normal person will be with them, their sexism makes it mostly a men's club, and so what else are they going to do but to get raw with each other?
I mean, they might be straight at heart ... but it's not like it's ever going to work out for them.

And there's nothing wrong with being gay, what makes it ridiculous is how they're the ones being the most homophobic in public.

And that's not to make fun of them, but to shed light on the level of deception that I think I'm dealing with.

I mean, the one moment You think they're all homophobic and bigoted; And then they're all "Jolly go Holly" gay and what not; And back we are at appearances and their deceptions. Like, who cares about the Gospel then? The mean Prophet and her violent rhetoric ... "yuk".

There's just something in the fine print where You ... accept that hey, everyone would rape a child when given the opportunity; And that's just how power works, nothing You can do about it ... . Which means, You're not gonna and want to tell me about ethics and morality? No, You speak about how that's idealistic "goodie two shoes nonsense" ... and things start to sound awefully familiar again.

And congratulations ... You've become an Antichristian. And yet You go to church, singing praises to the Lord ... except now You're celebrating chattle slavery because hey, they're gay actually.


And then comes I, talking about lines and concepts.

Go figure!

Part 3

There's two scenes from the Matrix movies that have become kind of ... frequent the last few weeks. There's that one 'stupid/flabbergasted' look on Commander Lock's face after being given some news ... I'm not exectly sure about the context ... and there's the moment where Neo responds to Morpheus "but You said it Yourself".

That's the depth of the arguments I'm having here.

And there's stuff I'm probably forgetting ... it's not like I can keep tabs on those things ... while most of it is also just ... noise dropping in and out of consciousness ... . So for the sake of "brevity" ... I got to move on ...

And again

So, what is Clarity? To look past MY bullshit, it is ... about the all in all. I've written about it, but apparently it needs some repitition. But ... just so we're clear ... my mind and heart find it to be somewhat unneccessary given that technically I've addressed the matter and I grow tired of repeating myself. I would change the tune, but I'm not given any sound indicators as to where the problem is. Other than that You want Jolly Go Holly Chattle Slavery and I'm against it.

"There are no Slaves in Zion" ... and then You say ... "But You said it Yourself" (a.k.a. "But You say You're a Sex Slave") ... glancing past all the ifs and buts I put forth ... to then go around and say: OK, just one country? Is that enough?

And who's to decide? Oh, wrong ... wrong script. I'm supposed to ... glance past this ...


Like, some things are dead on arrival, and chattle slavery is one of those things. I'll take the accusation of being idealistic; Acknowledging that yea, but stressing that in my view that's kind of what a good leader is supposed to be. Not that I aspire to be a leader ... but I aspire to be good and I'm given the scepter, so ... that's that.

So - it also makes sense to mention what I named "the No Norm Theorem". In essence it's about being a Slave and what it means for Your freedom. Slavery being the norm ... and freedom demanding for it to not exist. The occasional freedom we need for whatever reasons. So, if I have a creative urge ... I want to express it. And if You insisted that I need to get raped ... then I can take it, but eventually ... I'm gonna get grumpy. And then, in "fine tradition", You'd ignore that and at some point ... that's not nice.

And for whatever crazy minefield we're in ... You'll have to take my word for it. Because ... You're also just up and about to take their words for it being ... not like that.

But the moment one would then threaten You into a position like that, all of a sudden You NO NORM the shit out of it; I'm sure of it.


So, more to the point it's about freedom, the occasional change that we need - whatever. It's a bit of a work in progress.
So, ... in ideal cases I'm looking forward to a kinky marriage and we'll be having some age play. Maybe we'll also occasionally eat each other. So, I don't know where You're getting the "impose it on others and ignore what they say about it" part here.


So, if You're question is "can we have Pedophilia, as in chattle slavery" and I take it as "can we have Pedophilia, as in ..." - hmm ... yea, it's difficult to further advance this conversation of that concept is "taboo" ... as in ... virtually non-existent.

So, I'm the one starting with the base concept and You already have a very specific idea. So, there's ... something ... that might be worth ... analyzing.


What's dead on arrival here is ... literally ... a NO GO. Like, would we even allow said country to vote, whether they want to be ... what "we" say they now have to be? How about the Vatican? Any objections?

Well, depends on whether or not there are going to be women involved - because if so ... I'd have one.

Obviously this is a joke ... but the vibes I'm getting tell me that they'd play with it and go like: Well, technically we can do ... . SHUT IT!


'Societal Cohesion' doesn't come about by the top 1% deciding on our fates, shitting down on the rest while calling it a trickle down economy. And what's "trickle down childussy" supposed to look like? Are we just gonna ... take our own and call it "right of the strongest"?

Because surely "God favors strength".

I mean, after all it is I who holds the scepter.


Na, I don't feel like people are wondering when they get childussy ... in this economy ... but when we're starting to blow shit up.

I mean, forgiveness is nice and all - but we must not forget of the consequences. We can forgive them and still put them in jail ... which is much better than they deserve!

Like, in this context we're not talking about forgiveness; Until they realize they're up against a wall and start crying about how the evil prophet is mean to them again.

They put themselves in that situation and make no moves to get out of it ... . Well, they do ... but not ... in the way that's deserving of forgiveness.
"But that makes it so much better!".

Yea, at this rate ... "good bye!" ... one has to break some eggs to make an omelette.


Which is why it's so much better to just ignore them. There's a very simple ... line of reasoning here. You want to be "here", but they want You to be "there". So, You go "here" ... and not "there". And naturally they don't want to come along - or if they do, use every opportunity to try and steer You around. Now, whether or not You want to put up with that is a You thing; And whether or not You can handle it ... that's a different story still ... but at some point You have to cut Your losses; And maybe not act like they're innocent little children.
Unless we start to act like they would ... regarding innocent little children?

I mean, I'm sure they purposefully lie to people just to see how they react, so that they can internalize it and put up the act when neccessary.


But so: When it comes to the question of whether or not Pedophelia should be legal, in the simplest sense, then the answer is NO!

And NO to Clarity as a cover term for such nonsense.

Clarity - the one provided through God - comes about through His wisdom in which all of our nuances are known. He's a medium ... or mediator ... in function, as we consolidate an identity based on a true 'divine harmony'.

What comes out ... for either one of us ... depends on the individual.
I can call myself a whore - and on further inspection find enough grounds therein to further diversify.
Within this diversification we get into more and more nuances of the mind and emotions ... and the realities become more and more abstract, as they manifest between the people involved.

And if You find that hey, You want to be in a Gulag ... then yea, I suppose we can ... look at what that might look like and figure it out.

So, I didn't have to get raped nor did I have to lay hand on a child to figure these things out. It's just emotions, internal struggles, resolutions ... that lead to a stable end-result in which ... demands and desires and all of that stuff that would 'drive' ... the ... uh ... degeneracy into unhealthy corners ... are beign silenced.

As said often times before: I don't crave rape ... like I have to find some cock urgently to get stuffed or whatever. What I crave is the emotional sensation of companionship ... first ... which is in a zone prior to where the kinks come to bear. And that's also because some of the kinks are sensitive to ... what kinds of emotional attachments and such I have.

It is ... or gets real ... where it needs to be real. There where the experiences happen. Not in the image or the idea or the concept that is utterly meaningless anyway.


It's about individuality. And sure, a part of it comes down in understanding our impulses, our drives ... to look and see where we want to be.
Like so, there is no 'purpose'. The only way this kind of purpose would matter, is untowards a cohesive society. "The better tomorrow", "the greater good". But it also only works in as far as we're in it together.

And to me personally it was kind of a shock ... or aha moment ... to see that ... this can be ... a global revolution. This makes way to the idea that the apocalypse ... according to John ... isn't about the second coming of Christ ... but about us getting our shit together.

How else do the 1000 years fit into the picture?

And why argue it away? Why act like it's a bad thing? Like ... by one line of reasoning we eventually come to the realization that whether the next generation grew up in literal heaven or paradise on earth ... wouldn't make much of a difference. "So why have it at all?". Well, because Paradise on earth is still ours. Our work, our effort. Our reasoning, our structures. Sure, divine as far as we can fathom it - but still ... ours. And every generation anew ... will have to learn ... how we got there and what the cost of prolonged peace will be. Until ... well, the 1000 years are up ... and degnerates are allowed to creep again. I would assume.

And this is one more reason, or the core reason, why I think it's important to involve the Younger generation in this. I mean, usually we act like "Teenagers" are a different species. They're not to be talked with, but to be talked to. And then they react rebellious and we wonder why that is.

And on that basis ... yea, the next gneration ought to be "worse than the one before" - it's like ... written into the code of society at that point - that the next generation isn't given an option to be anything but a pain in the older one's arses. But sure, the older we get the more we understand that this world isn't the happy place we were told it is. Or we think of it is a wholly degenrate place and that any adherance to order or rules is a waste of time. So ... do the math, the conclusion is rather simple.


Then You ask me: But how to get started ... looking for steps 2, 3 and ... maybe not 4 but 5 ... because 4 would again involve 1, let's say ... and ... I understand that we can't have that for some reason. So ... I don't know. Am I ... looking at someone that's just bullshitting me? A figment? A phantom there to distract me? If so, yea ... I'm ... a disgrace and ... all of that. Sorry for even ... thinking. I guess.
I mean, this makes sense if You really really ... have to find a way to cancel me from the equation. But then You have a gospel to run with, but all the problems in the world for how to justify it. Why should anyone care?

Why should anyone care enough to even see the potential good in it?

How should EVERYBODY care enough about the SAME THING enough so that we might find some grounds for unity?

Those ... have been struggles I was worried about. Thinking of ... what might be ... without involving myself as some kind of supreme leader. Those ideas didn't change. There is no supreme leader. But the need for a shared perspective is still there ... and if we can't have that, then well ... all You do is LARPing.


So, legality is a concept to establish common rules that people can be measured against - regardless of a whole range of factors such as discrimination for instance. The law creates crime ... a.k.a. "sin" ... and that even so regardless of that person's ethics and morality. And the great gospel has it, that the law is a flawed thing.

So, asking for rules of legality is like ... asking me if I want a pet dog that's getting put to sleep the next day. I mean ... it might take me longer to think about it than that dog has left to live.


So, that needs to be emphasized ... seriously. If You need someone to steer this ship, this world, as it is ... as we might not change a thing about it because it'd harm "their" precious farming grounds - don't look at me.
I have other problems. Like, I'm an idealist. "You said it Yourself".

In small circles, all this is is a ... whole bunch of "fun facts" that You might take to heart and ... maybe You'll even find someone to share it with. As the circle gets larger, we could/would function as a club - like, theory crafting for how to improve our spiritual and material conditions ... making the world a better place ... and maybe even affect real political change. Beyond that we could enterain activism. Like ... humanitarian aid ... assitance for development ... improving quality of life, lifting the bar ... . Beyond that we're a logistical network and we may think of ... well. But ... at that point there's already work involved. The logistics and the network won't come out of nowhere. Maybe some assets and know how exist and will be contributed to the effort - but here and there some tweaks may still be required.
Beyond THAT ... we'd have our own economy.
And by and large - on every step of the way - we can attract more and more people to the cause as the cause itself becomes more and more concrete ... and comprehensive.


So, legality here is a matter of time and place. We're not going to argue for making pedophilia legal, and if it somehow became legal, we'd be up in arms about it. They'd say that we're doing it ourselves ... to kind of make it seem that all they do is the very same thing we do ... but this vision is ... I suppose just a fragment of reason. It's a hypothetical possibility ... and whether it exists to much concern is in the numbers. If this thing grows stagnant like ... halfway through ... well, maybe the next step is a civil war. But some things allow me to believe that ... that won't happen. Not in a thousand years.

But we will grow up in individuality. There will be those who'd lean against it ... and those who'd lean against that ... but not based on a hunch; And more so based on the clarity we carry and what concerns it carries us to. And ... I mean ... . I understand that at first someone would feel encouraged to go the full stretch ... of a pious life. God exists, check, OK ... understood ... . But then we try to box our impulses and desires into this idea of a ... good life; And so we're back to where we started. Give or take.

Like, yea ... it's not entirely neccessary that we understand the deeper truths of individuality and divine harmony; But ... that's weak. We can't fully grow in the divine light, if society tells us that it's evil. At that point ... something's off. The first challenge might be to get a group of gathered "Gnostic Satanists" to actually ... also do it with one another. Which may be/feel/look embarassing, like we don't know what we're doing ... but also ... we don't. Like, what would we be doing? What ought to happen?

Sure, an Antichristian asshat might bring some motion into the stalemate ... but going down that road You'd soon find Yourself standing at the wall making sure that the Antichristians that are fucking in the room have a cozy atmosphere.

"Reeetus ..."

"Yuuusif" ...


Wrong ... track. Anyway. This isn't about ... just having an orgy, but ... for starters, why are we there? And once we get a hang of the mutual ... divine ... "sauce" ... the rest is just ... a matter of doing it. If we aren't already doing it at that point.

You ask "how real" it is ... or, "how else" might I get disrepsectfully hammered like I want to ... but if a man does the man thing, he's a man doing a man thing. For better or worse. If the man knows that certain way of things ... he knows. At first ... me being a stubborn bitch might be off putting. Disturbing. "How?" ... might we push past that. But once they know me as a dirty slut, that reluctance ... is easily evaporated.


And so for the other side. "Silent waters run deep" they say. But do they? Or more to the point: What depths?
Does she masturbate? Does she have a dildo? "oooh!". Or is she into BDSM and has a shelf full of leather gear and whips and dildos and what not. Most of which never saw the inside of a woman maybe.

But oh, this is the picture of a dominant woman, where fairy tales have us believe that women can only be submissive.

In that mind, a dominant woman is the expression of a person that wants to be dominated. M'kay. It's like ... yea, "trust me bro". Of course it takes a man to tell what a woman wants ... and yet they say that women are confusing, like, they don't know what they want.

But yea, if she's a slut she'll be there. And if not, she might be there still.


But so is this ... "the big thing"? Do I need to have a complete plan? With ... pamphlet, schedule and appointed speakers?
That's not how this is going to work. That's not what people are looking for, or at. I mean ... we might try to make it the first thing everyone sees ... but why?

I mean, it's not even a thing yet. And how to make it a thing? I don't know! Does it have to be?

Might I be able to summon a bunch of gnostic degenerates forth from my asshole so we can get started?


Again ... this is like ... step 5. All of this, ALL OF IT, depends on our individual impulses. And before we talk about sex, we should maybe also talk about ... congregation. WHERE someone might go to get baptized. Like:

Nicole Christina Sonnberger
Schoenbuehlstr. 70
70188 Stuttgart
Baptism: There's a public bath nearby - so, sortof

Obviously, a hand-made list is eventually ... hopefully ... not going to cut it anymore. But so, yea.
I see the figments, the fantasms ... like, me ... being dismissive or too full of myself ... high on top ... ignorant maybe ... because all I do is dismiss "their legitimate concerns". Well, that's the consequence of what I do ... to be ... on the up and up about this.

The substance of what I do ... that's its own thing. And the more they want to pry their bullshit into it, the more I have to say NO unto it. Until You ... manage to shut them up somehow.

Sex Club?
I mean ... words ... can at times 'hide' meanings. "Sex Club" at first sounds ... derogatory. It seems to mean all sorts of things ... but the thing it "tries" to mean. I mean, what's the Republican party ... other than a sex club for pedophiles? Ever thought of that? Do we now think ... more or less of the term?

So, with the word 'club' on the table, I'd also want to add a little bit of "cult" to the mix. Like, while we're at it ... coming up with weird names for ... being a Major Gnostic Order. I mean, during eastern we all have a reason to attend like ... 'normal' gatherings. Listen to sermons, that kind of stuff. But for most of the rest of the year ... I don't know. Partner exchange day? Once a week? Fetish exploration evening? Miss Crabtree is into baking cookies ... with a twist. How does that look like? Nobody knows. I just made it the fuck up and I have no clue what to make of it.


And this isn't to ... impose any kind of gate keeping. I mean ... who's involved in the Order and to which extent, that's one part of it. How it fits into the whole ... that's another one. Then there's STDs and other headache topics ... and so, here's the thing:



This topic, as it stands, is merely the contemporary end of a huge rats tail of bullshit responses. It's the easiest thing to pick apart in front of an unassuming audience ... and that's why ... this gets to these weird kinds of places. Like, the 12th step is already countered and activists are shouting against whatever happens on 13, and a group of people that has no clue of either beginning or end to it, yea ... I don't know how to ... get through to that.
So, let's ignore the logistics of it - or that anything has to come from it. There's the truth behind the philosophy that I share ... and whether the things that come to light are to change existing or create new structures ... that's neither here nor there.

In all this ... the only real reason we have to impose our rule upon another ... is if we're alerted to an injustice that requires intervention. Because ... what's the use of being all goodie two shoes, if You can't also be the hero in some stories?


Well, a lot ... actually. But ... sometimes more is better.

Uhm, where was I? What is Clarity? Lines? ... Concepts? Uh ... well. I'll expose myself to what counts as entertainment these days ... and maybe tomorrow I can do this whole thing again ... this time glancing past a few of the ... things I would hope are resolved now.

Part 4

So, there is a problem here - my knee suggests - and that would have to do with ... what Plan I'm having. And yea, there is no plan. Plain and simple. So, in those fantasms where I'm like ... acting like I have one ... that's fake news. I'd say ... everything that goes on exclusively in the mind while something like that should happen IRL ... is fake news. Which is part of what drives me mad. Day in, day out, my mind reacts to things that aren't happening ... here. For all I care I'm ... cookooo bananas. Like, there's nothing REAL for me to react to - and the things I do react to are like ... repeat broadcasts.
I have to tell myself: Not real, not happening ... and such. Like ... "You sure? This time for real?" and as of late I've started kicking things lieing around here. Good for my stuff that there's a lot of trash.

So, like ... if You're creeping up in my mind ... You're creeping up into that atmosphere ... so, don't expect a warm welcome.


Like, I'm talking to You - trying to get a neutral ... by and large ... concept of YOU - but I'm quite sure that the blar I'm looking at is a deception. But I don't know how to get rid of it. All I can do is ... try and argue it away ... and focus on what really matters.

Sex Club? Not the most important thing!

And sure, speaking of it ... I'm sure the fantasms are filled with ... the most unerotic set of individuals You can think up in the moment. Or You start fantasizing about ... stuff. And so, there's a lot of shame involved - and so, subconsciously there's an urge ... or a silent need ... for it to be "cool". "Accepted". "Tolerable". "Not Cringe".

So, what can I do? Hire a bunch of models for a show orgy ... so everyone can watch and feel like they have a fulfilled life now?

Or are children like a secret ingredient? I'm sure ... that within the cracks of this nonsense ... something like that is the case. "Not real enough".

It's kind of like ... when You're heated and You don't have an answer ... admitting that You don't have an answer is like ... weird. It seems weak. But that's them gauding You into staying engaged. I'm sure of it. And if You say: "Well, whatever" - and You disarm their attempts to pull You ... You're already quasi shoving them a fist.

So, for 'real news' ... have me on loop saying "I don't care" ... and "whatever". Like, all I have to do is dismiss them while You get shit done. Because ... that's where the bug is burried.


There is no plan but eventually I might find the right people and we might have a thing ... and I'd draw my proposals from there ... while other people elsewhere do ... kind of the same.

Because everyone has a right to elect a chosen ... hmm ... how far have I ...?

What I want to see, is that every issue that's being pushed ... so, You have a chosen ... and that's either just for the sake of it, or You're having actual ... issues to send along with that one. So, the former wouldn't have a "purpose" - other than to possibly pass their vote to someone else. At the end I want all issues to be represented ... with numbers and representative. If Your issue is that You have money ... then that's that. "I represent so and so much in money and so and so much in people and this and that in terms of whatever" ... . To that end ... eventually ... some chosen might have to team up ... representing like a shared issue or ... what have You. Sometimes ... You might just like someone and want them to be in charge of things. They'll get votes ... and then as things progress they'll be in a group with others like that ... and those stages ... well. They're kind of critical but at some point there's also the transition from local to global concerns. Those with actual issues will stand ... at the side ... because the ones chosen to be in charge are in the center; And while the heathens may try to play along ... I don't really care about them because this is our thing. It's 'our thing' ... though, it might also be our 'thing'.

This is how we ... govern ourselves.

From within.

And so, some things we would just want to be represented. Like, ethnic groups would ... be a first concern given the ... global inequalities and such. Just so there's a representative ... one who might get up and raise a 'but' should we forget about something ... and things of that nature. I would hope ... and that's ... it's a theory ... because it's from within and we don't have any hidden agendas ... this will look nothing like regular politics.

At long last we can say: OK, we represent so and so many people in this and that are ... leaving so and so many left ... which means ... we make up this much of the population ... saying ... THIS is the plan. And if You're part of the top 1% ... 1% would be the maximum of what representation You can get. Fair!

What assets You carry/represent are Yours until You give them away ... as it is Your right to make sure that the stuff is in the right hands.


Praise the Lord, praise the Queen - Amen and Amen.