One last thing?

Well, maybe. But actually no. It's one of those things ... still cursing around my mind ... allthewhile I've addressed it multiple times over. And I'm tired.

More to the point, I'm suicidal.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I have one bud left, 200 Euros, and I have zero motivations to keep going. One of the bills due is for this webpage ... though it might be still there for a while. September maybe. After that ... it's gone, probably. And I don't know. This shit here is doing me no good. And I feel like, at the very least, I have to shut it down. Like, to not give You a reason to keep coming back here.

But how to do it, but to burn this bridge?
So that there's nothing I can do or say - ... but uhm, apparently we're not there yet.


... maybe.
I mean, I may be finish playing terraria and write some final opinion about it ...

---

But OK, so ... snuff.

Or not. I'm taken into an emotion which ... takes me further back than whenever that was on my mind ... 13 years or more ... and that's where I got some kind of "Oh Oh" - that hasn't left my mind since, nor did I get any confirmation or denial ... but it seems legit and I can really just off myself because ... it's been over since then.

And then ... I'm not sure about God. Stories keep repeating themselves ... and while there is something ... there for me ... in my own world ... it seems to be the opposite outside of it. Oh, there's light. Is it the end of the tunnel? "This time for sure!". "It never looked like this". "This is new".

Been there ... time and time again.

And that's why I don't care. It's hopeless. With God being my enemy, what am I to do?
In life or death ... there's no escape.


Maybe the two incidents are linked. The matter of snuff and ... whatever that was. I mean, I suppose I was there ... writing ... like, giving my opinion on the matter. Being all reasonable and ... stuff.
"Oops"?
Eventually I got around to it ... but ... "too little too late?" - or was it "not real enough?" - and ... at that point I felt like we were so far off the beaten track ... this can't be where the bug is burried.

So, first, let's name the feeling. "Jolly go Holly" came to mind. Say ... indiscriminate ... murder and rape and ... what have You. Whatever. The impetus of decadence where the trash is merely that which can't afford not to be.

Like the guy being on the verge of raping his daughter ... because something is promising him that "this will be fun" ... . And apparently I'm somehow supposed to reconcile this with the Gospel ... and I did. Just so ... we're clear on that. But apparently it's not "Jolly go Holly" enough ... or how to put it?

So, at some point I was there ... entirely submersed in matters of my Clarity ... and I envisioned the good ending as me being enslaved ... possibly mutilated ... basically to the terror of everyone looking at it. I mean, leaning into my kinks and fetishes ... something like that is ... definitely climactic - and in the setting of ... a religious revolution ... the blanks are getting filled in leaving less space for ... alternatives.

But when looking at it rationally ... like, a simple 'supply and demand' perspective maybe ... it becomes obvious that ... "Jolly" can go fuck herself.

"Not real enough" ... well.
Anyway. I never felt much like I had to walk back on anything. The story anyway is that nothing happened ... no matter how real it could have been ... because, so I have to assume, nobody met the first requirement to all of it. And with that requirement met, it would have only been logical ... that what came out at the other end of that would be OK.

I mean, am I still here trying to explain to You that whatever the end is going to be, we have to make it? And therefore ... it makes no sense for me try and see what it's going to be.

Like, by what standard? However I look at it, it's a jumbled mess of possibilities.
And what's possible changes with YOUR attitudes ... I would argue ... it certainly seems and feels that way. Like, I can try this and that - but if Your attitudes don't change then the outcome won't really change much either.
I mean, if this is really the issue here - then You're telling me that ... the moment we made first contact it'd be inevitable that I'd be ran through a meatgrinder and the outcome would be horrible. But where's the meatgrinder coming from? Like ... I don't understand the mechanisms that are implied - because it's ... it makes no sense for them to exist.


And this is ... seriously? Are You telling me that this was ... neccessary? Like ... this has been the big hang-up for 13 odd years?

If so ... You'll have a lot of crawling to do before me ... that's a given. Done and dusted.


Hmm ... . No ... I stand by it. It's stupid. It's the most stupid shit ever and You can't explain it to anyone. You just can't. I mean, how about we start in the beginning ... so we understand how the story went on?

Anyway.

At some point this whole Clarity stuff also became too real for me. And that way before Epstein was ever much of a topic. Like, snuff ... but also toilet stuff ... it felt like relatively innocent kinks at first. I mean, fetishes, rituals ... whatever. Anyway. But at some point the impression crept up that these kinks they kind of just mirror how society treats me. In a way. It's like ... getting mutilated and fed feces were the best I could hope for. And at that point it didn't feel so innocent anymore.
And I am - or was - hung up over the feeling. That something felt right or good ... . Maybe it's about belonging. And then ... other than the memory of it remaining ... it wasn't a thing anymore.

Nothing I cared about anyway. Like ... all jokes aside ... but I'll eat shit. But the immediate context aside, there's the greater one. And if You just don't respect me in any way I care about ... that's the opposite of a good life and eating shit in that context ... just doesn't do it for me.


Like, I still haven't figured out whether I'm having beef with a pro or a contra snuff thing here. But I won't entertain the idea that whatever I say here will be ran with. Whoever so attempts it ... is my enemy.
I mean ... "Jolly go Holly" ... won't happen, either way ... regardless of what I say here.

But they want theirs and they'll try to take it from You. However that's going to look. But if it were up to me, there's a process ... untowards how it'll look, if at all.
And we're SO FUCKING NOT THERE yet.

Like, again. Trying to override/overrule me? DEATH PENALTY! High Treason!


But even if. I mean ... what is 'real'? Speaking of a sense of belonging, devotion, commitment, ownership ... all in the context of Kink/BDSM ... I start to get the impression that they're chasing a dream. Like, "not real enough" ... would mean ... sexual enslavement can't be a kink. Practically. You're either it or not. Whether You want it or not. And so they have to find other ways ... to get to the kinky stuff. So they'd argue along the lines of ... how misogyny must be maintained so that the woman can feel oppressed enough such that the devotion for her man can be real.
So ... very mechanical.
To ... make it 'real' ... in the, uh ... "traditional sense".

And I don't know ... what to say here. I mean ... first of all, "cool" but ... obviously that's not it. So, there's all this useless stuff just done to create an illusion of ... kink ... and ... yea, that to me is NOT real enough.

When the kink, the emotions come first - then that's already it. We can then do what the emotions require ... without all the other nonsense that ... would make any of it an absolute NO GO.


And no. There's no volunteering for snuff ... in this economy. Good Night.