"There are two kinds of rules"

The ones You make for Yourself and the ones You make for others. And the way it plays out is like so: "I criticize You for X" - "But You do X even worse" - "But I also do Y".

Or not?
Even here ... there's problems. And at this point of ... 'arguing' over it ... I'm just out. And maybe ... this is time for me to lean into my frustration and get a bit more of that ... "Keen Edge" going.

So ... I was there, again, failing against the Cultist ... trying to make up for my Chlorophyte Excuse, dimplying through the Jungle ... and it was a mess. How I got through there so well just previously ... is a mystery maybe. But then ... I took the other way through the Desert ... and I suppose I had to first get warmed up. I mean ... I take it easy, but I suppose the game really isn't ... . The one moment You think You're doing fine and the other You're running for Your life getting ganked into a corner or something like that.
And much of the frustration comes from ... this excuse. But, what even are the rules? So, I went back and forth ... switching gear ... and thus more concerned about this side of the issue, than actually focussing on the game. But eventually I got back into it ... then doing it during night while doing Solar Eclipses during the day. So, I beat him, got to the Nebula Pillar ... and smooth and elegant looks different I suppose. Then I went to Vortex and ... kind of the same story ... but this pillar is ass.

And now I'm here. Two more to go ... and ... I'm still kind of lost. Like, what am I even doing? I ... kind of didn't want to be here - but then, there's "this guy" pushing me to put on my end-game armor and ... between all the impulses and stuff ... voices, echos ... I rather just mind my own business. But it's there. Something. And I don't know what to make of it.


But sure. I then was looking for Character progression - and after I was "lured" into Hunters world ... to overcome some of my mental issues I suppose ... something changed and I felt free to spend more time in it.
My biggest issue then, thinking back, was - I guess - that I cheesed the Destroyer (being too high up for him to reach? I'm not sure but it was easy). So, basically I'm done with my personal issues here ... uh, where was I? ...
Like, why am I telling You this?
Why ... do I feel like ... I'm being judged?


It may sound like I'm Schizophrenic; And I suppose I kind of am. Thinking of what my future holds for me - if everything stays "normal" - that's probably where this is going.
But I think it's more than that. But at long last, it's all to be ignored - I suppose.

I mean, why are we doing this? Why am I doing this? Why is this now the topic here?
Is it because I'm crazy? Is it ... what? I mean, I have nothing else to do - and now ... it's all kind of serious again. But how?

And as for what I want ... something ... yea. Something is getting ahead of me. It's like ... I've gotten predictable and so I'd get up, sit down and play. Eventually. And so there's this ... "thing". It's like ... already sitting there ... waiting for me to go. Then I'm playing and while doing so, I kind of fall into it. So, my ambition or heart or whatever is ... in a weird state where it has to contend with the mind that is manifesting itself.

It's like ... I'm contending with the question of what "legitimate" is ... going back and forth, confused and in disagreement and still kind of argued into it (like, sure, the Chlorophyte Armor wasn't earned legitimately by this Character; And the same then counts for the Spectre Armor) - but I also kind of don't see the play here. I can't grow Chlorophyte in my "main" world just yet. I could go fishing, hunting ... whatever.
But while I'm in this world, to me those things aren't options. I'm just resolving "ego" ... and I suppose ... in that department I'm through now. Someone else can finish the other two pillars. Sotospeak.

Anyway ... replace the latter part about having two pillars down with the ambition to get the Nebula And Vortex stuff first ... and that's kind of what's going through my mind while I'm "jacksoning" through the Jungle with Orichalcum armor and a Sky Fracture wondering why I can't get shit done. Yesterday (???) was easy. "Get juiced up" - and there was no alternative. So, I had full focus and no distractions.
And for some stretch of it I had sentries.


Skill Issues.


And here ... Terraria can be rough. I mean, I was watching this guy "playing Terraria for the first time" - and within the starting stretch of the game ... before he was able to build a house ... spawn had turned into a graveyard. And ... yea ... tough! How to push through? It's similar to a Solar Eclipse ... where, maybe You get off a shot or two before getting one shotted again ... by whatever. It can be discouraging ... and "break You" ... in a way.

Then You wait for the 15 (?) seconds to pass ... and then it's 1, 2, dead again.


...

And so the story here was that ... I have to look past of some of the issues that have snuck into my mental getup. I mean, I used the term 'legit' a lot ... and ... so it came back on me. Not that I have said anything to warrant it ... but I'm used to holding myself to ever higher standards - so, I didn't notice that I was doing something wrong there.

"Yesterday" it was fine. The issues weren't as big as ... say ... a whole armor set I shouldn't have yet. But if that's the kind of playthrough I wanted, I'd do it.
Anyway.

Like, I feel like I'm scrutinized for shit-talking; But seriously ... there's no amount of shit that I've been talking to be scrutinized like that. I guess it starts like this: There's a contention with someone ... and You're right. But they won't admit it and soon there's a both have wrongs ... and then somehow You end up agreeing to being the better person and You're living up to those higher standards while the other just doesn't care still.

And it wouldn't be bad if that wouldn't translate into shifting power dynamics; Where they just end up "manifesting" rules upon everyone else while they get off everything for basically free.


But then, my natural state is more like ... 'relaxed' ... and that doesn't gell well with this kind of offense. And there's a force involved ... with which it imposes itself ... and what I have to do to get it out ... also makes me ... develop violent ideations.

I mean, on some Level I sure also want to "impress" You. That's the other side. The thing we kind of end up doing; Which is ... merely ... for the looks of it. Maybe ... a first bridge into my past following some event I have forgotten how to talk/write about. Like it never happened.

And yea, I impose rules for myself. Like ... I didn't install any Teleporters in my world until I had access to the Mechanic. Although that's maybe silly. So, no clear rules. And the rules I'm making for myself are for me. I ... didn't just equip my Adamantine/Titanium armor because there's a process to acquiring it, which involves being stuck there with Pre-Hardmode equipment ... learning to deal with the new situation.

And yea, I kind of judge others based on those rules ... however subjective they may be. But I have no ambitions to impose those upon others.

But then, the rhetorical wizards of the Evil Empire ... might find a way to twist it around again. They start by making themselves guilty ... like, first thing ... and then they deflect and defend until everyone else leaves with a guilt-trip themselves.


So, if I were to tell You, I'd say not to engage with them. Not because it's sinful or evil, but because it's dangerous. A health risk. I mean, in the moment it might seem reasonable ... what they have to say. You don't want to be a killjoy ... and when You're sucked up enough You might then mirror the attitudes they teach You ... back onto others. Now I'm the idiot because I can't "play along" or whatever ... but what do I really get out of "playing along"?

And what do You get out of it? Serious problems? Where? Climate Change? What's that? Fascism? "Oh You're exaggerating!"


I mean, is it true? You got somewhere but then they got in and now we're back where we started? And why? For what?
And I don't want it to be this way. I can't see how this is going to work out either. At best ... a few isolated folks here and there? Where's the unity?
Where's ... 'us'?



Within all this ... I'm ... having competence problems. Sometimes I'm way too good, sometimes I'm just bad. I'm super inconsistent and I tend to choke (the opposite of clutch, which is ... "close call"). Sometimes I play like I have a 6th and a 7th sense ... other times I play like I'm having problems keeping the basic 5 together.

And I don't know what the trick is. I mean, I may have learned a lot throughout my lifetimes ... but I can't access it. Maybe it's a discipline problem. But then, how would I replicate "that" training? I don't even know ... what it is. Maybe it's just luck.

Or it's the right way through the odds.
Here's a thing: So, I was there in the jungle, struggling ... and at some point a Hallowed Mimic appeared and dropped me a Flying Knife. And I was ... glad on one hand because I'd have wanted that, but on the other I was still confused because ... well. The way it co-incided with my thought process at the time. I was trying to get Chlorophyte for whatever (must be) Godforsaken reason ... and had a "well, THIS IS legit" moment versus ... walking back on my accomplishments. "But then, why am I here?". Now it's like ... a "good drop" ... giving me a light in the darkness.


But then ... there's other things. Like this: Life, Wanting and Thinking ... they should be in harmony. About Life, well, who knows much to say about it? But between Wanting and Thinking ... well, this story here should work as a ... warning of sorts. Or a reference. Once Your thinking is manipulated, Your wanting changes. If Your wanting is manipulated, your thinking changes. "Everyone has their poison" I suppose.
(And because they tend to not share their secrets, they know that You don't know what they're truly up to, so they kind of can tell You everything You need to hear to calm down).
But so there are priorities. Or so ... 'stable forms' ... . Like ... righteousness and justice. The problem these days is that You're unable to do or change anything about it, well - most are anyway, so it's easy to walk back and "be more reasonable". But what they're doing is ... well, they're dragging You away. Call it what You will. So, it's easy to grow dull and blunt ... and then You're there asking "why should I care?".

And then You're not even a part of their in-group. Maybe.

Is that what You want? "But what can you do?". So ... "not that". OK.
And they don't have it. You can try to challenge them, but from what I'm seeting ... most of You don't have it in them to do that. You don't take notes and You don't have a platform to expose them.

And "debate culture" is setup/grown so that ... accountability doesn't matter. "Wait! I was told there wasn't going to be any fact checking". Seriously?


In a normal world, that would have been it - then and there. "Election Cancelled ... opponent unable to appear".


Have a good one.