A new Plan emerges

But first: So, I was sitting there. Smoking some pot while the Coffee was/is getting ready. And sure, so ... I'm being high and I get fancy ideas that may or may not be useful. Like, I thought up a new Terraria Biome ... with the idea of maybe making the Solar Eclipse a Pre Mech-Boss thing. I mean, it is already possible, so, how about a Lizhard Biome that spawns around the Temple? I thought. So, so and so many blocks in a radius around the ... temple ... altar? Maybe? Some other part of me replied. Hmm ... maybe a certain kind of block - which You could eventually purchase from a Lizhard NPC ... or different kinds ... to plant your own Lizhard Biome.

Whatever. So, Bubbles. And so ... following that idea, I eventually came to settle: I need to farm Solar Eclipses ... and to do so ... I may need a new world. Master Mode ... as a counterpart to the one I have. I'll take Marble, some Gothic Bricks, a Bone-Welder, Camp-Fires, Lamps, statues ... get it into Hardmode and then go for the Temple to build a thing there.

So, I'd have to do my thing, take what the randomizer gives me ... so as an expression of chaos maybe - as counterpart to the selection process that came prior. And so, OK ... that's the Plan.


But thinking of it so, it reminded me. There's that Birthday ... where I got a Playmobil boat ... and while guests were still present I went to the Bathtub, took a Bath and played with it. It's ... a bit of a traumatic childhood memory I guess. But to me it sticks there ... as ... a sign for how weird I am. There's a certain feeling to it - me just ... having no idea of what's going on around me while just minding my own business.

But there's more. Yesterday ... or so ... at some point in the past ... I remembered another incident. Well ... 'to remember' may be an overstatement here. I recalled a moment in which I was ... terribly sad. It was my birthday, I cried and cried, and my parents were the bad guys. Or so ... the impression. It was kind of a "what if" ... in a way ... but I'm sure ... that ... something of that kind had happened.

So, earlier then ... pondering upon that feeling in that bathtub ... I wondered what had happened prior. I mean, guests were there. I got a boat. And one thing I can remember is sadness. Or ... I don't know. Then it snapped together. I mean, there was that moment ... I was terribly upset over a game that was played. The kids had to somehow ... get a ball into a thing of some sorts ... and if they managed to do it, they'd get something. But then I wanted one too ... like, play the game and get a thing, but ... I wasn't allowed to. It was my birthday, I already get a present. Or ... was it my birthday? I mean, my Birthday is in December ... but from how my Memory looks, it doesn't look like December. More like ... spring.

Anyway. I was crying, making a scene, eventually got that Boat and then ... probably thought "Fuck it - I'm a play with my Boat!".


And so I am here today. Also ... playing with my Boat ... while the world goes to shit ... and I'm like, stuck dealing with childhood trauma. But as it says, that there is a Light in the Darkness, which Darkness does not comprehend, we can look past the grievances of this world. Let them be that ... and let ours be fine enough. What do we find? Human creativity is one instance ... for where we can say: If we can build it ... why not do it?

And so we for now step into the Fantasy of Terraria. What I mean by 'legit' - when I use it in this sphere - can be regarded in two ways. One level of legitimacy is within the game itself. I don't use mods or tools to alter or manipulate any of the data. I use only what the game gives me. The second level of legitimacy is the individual progression. Like, after beating the game in Classic Mode, I can use my Post Moonlord stuff and clap any Master Mode world on its cheek. I can get the trophies and act like I've done anything. This is ... legit on the first account, but it's illegitimate on the face of it. Or so, it depends I suppose. For the most part ... it's just vanity and ego I guess. I can play it like ... "got a drop from here, so I take the right to select something from [this loot table]". But for now, let's just mind the first layer.

So, what we have is a game. And what we have therein follows certain rules. They somewhat mimic real world rules, like ... gravity, wood growing as trees, ores have to be smelted before being able to craft with them; And so, to build anything, one needs materials. And so - legit only means, that I had to 'play' for everything that I have. It's an arbitrary measure, maybe, but it's also just THE measurement. Even if just for the sake of argument. For it to be as a Terrarium - like, a virtual thought experiment. It's a closed system - like the world we live in.


Break.

---


Now, what I'm getting at ... or am trying to get at ... is a matter of ... 'concrete throughlines' I guess. So, within me there's a contention going on. There's like ... always an accuser accusing me of things; And I'm trying my best to right whatever might be wrong. Like, in a way I'm really conservative ... finnicky about what I take on or not ... so, industrial thinking was always like, foreign to me. Factories, Farms ... it also felt like cheating. Exploitation. But when I came in contact with Book Making ... it made sense from a personal perspective to ... be curious about the Machines and stuff.
I also had a curiosity for games like Dwarf Fortress and Factory Town ... where, "Factorial Thinking" well ... I suppose it exists on a spectrum; But if scale is ignored as a limiting factor - a lot can be made possible. Something that is rare can be cultivated - a yield can be ascertained and from there ... more follows. The magic is the numbers.

So, one of my things is that I'm chaotic. But then I also enjoy order. I ... suppose I have a complicated relationship with either of the two.

But now I'm here with a plan. I have my base world ... "Heaven's Vault" (the Master version of the Island of Wisdom) - and now I want to create a Sister World - for Hardmode ... an perhaps more specifically: Pre-Plantera Hardmode. It's like an expedition and I've set my mind on a set of blocks I want to use here. I also don't care much about the place outside of the use it has for me ... so I implicitly care more for a systematic, purpose driven approach where my respect for the world ends with the outlines I want to draw. There should then be plenty left.

And so, it is here, with this Plan, that I find another one of my ... problems.

Or more to the point: I kind of circumvented it. I came around to it. I didn't bother myself too much - though I suppose I was certainly troubled - hmm. I mean ... hmm. Ashwood ... . Well, it just occurs to me that this is ... maybe the problem. I don't have the vision for a "tabu la rasa" type of approach, like, "at home" - where my relationship with the environment is more intimate. "Outside", where the situation is reversed, I however don't want to spend too much time thinking about ... what to use ... . I'd also rather keep it light ... I suppose. So yea, great! I invented infrastructure ... I guess.

I mean, it is true. For what I then impose on the sister world, then lends itself to a more curated cultivation of biomes. And within that framework, if we thought of a grid, each cell is like a Terraria world in a nutshell.


Now ... I'm not sure what I am to glean from this. I mean ... it's one of those contentions within me. I suppose, at large, there is like ... a crack maybe. Some kind of rift. And my biggest problem in all that may just be ... that at some point I just don't care about the benefits of these competences. I mean, let me ... so. By now I have acquired a degree of competences - a lot of which isn't 'innate'. So, by measure of today, my past self wasn't ready. At some points, not even close. And at some point, or at the end of it, I want(ed) to say - "who cares?". As it says in the Bible, first clean up inside ... then care about the outside. And maybe ... this is ... what this issue is about.

I mean, isn't it so, that once You start to talk of people in numbers, divided into grids and cells ... You're assuming a superior position. Ordinary people can only assume it in the imagination; Because ... they wouldn't have the means nor the tools to satisfy either end of that equation. So, when You can actually do it - You're already different. You are in a superior position - and what pisses people off is when You interfere with their lives in this top-down manner.

They then call it progress - but that's OK because there's nobody building highways through their backyards.

They say "adapt" and "deal with it" - but there's nobody building large-scale-pollution datacenters in their neighbourhoods.


And from there it probably continues with lies and fairy tales. They speak of luddites and ... "Hippies" ... .

Yea, those dang Hippies ... with their taste for clean water and fresh air. And then they probably hype up their own big ass ideas like it's the best thing ever - I mean, it's not like they have to pay for any of it. They just sit there to reap whatever reward. It's like with ... how these Lawyer type game companies try to sneak clauses into EULAs that would allow them to take ownership of whatever You yourself have made - in as far as You used like their tools.

If we want to call this legit, we'd have to also follow through - check what hardware You're using ... and what hardware that was built with. Well, what are the odds that by the end of it, all belonged to Germany?

And yea, somewhere in the deep whispers of the Astair ... there's something about a System so deeply rooted in all of this, it might virtually take over everything. I guess You could convince Yourself that ... when controlling all the fundamental mechanisms of this world, it's Game over. But ... well. I don't see it.


But sure. There's always an excuse. And at some point ... I mean, something has to give just from how stupid it all is. I mean, ... seriously. I mean, fetish is fine - but generally You shouldn't drag others into Your games. I mean, "maybe" isn't ... a thing. I mean, in a reasonable world we learn to manage our desires - and so, "maybe" - as from my own perspective - that's where the creep factor rises. And a lot of madness comes from such maybes. There certainly is a whole lot more that can be said on top of this. I may here just barely scratch the issue. Like, "maybe I want to be caught up in a completely involuntary torture kink" would be a stretch, taken from what I wrote on those matters, and still ... it doesn't seem like it wants to leave their heads.

So, in short to take notes: If I know the person and I volunteer to be in what would otherwise be unvoluntary, it's voluntary. If it's by definition something I'd never want, it's by definition something that I don't want.

But yea. There's a maybe. Or, it's not a maybe ... but ... taken out of context. I mean, if You convince Yourself that the hypothetical alignment in which I'm involuntarily exposed to someone is enough to assume that I'm willing to unwillingly expose myself to in about just anyone ... I hope that it remains a "You" problem.
And I will make sure to take note of these things when the privilege of revenge is mine.

Also ... I don't have to resist an 'urge' ... here. I have to resist the invasion. There is no urge or desire ... there's just ... shut the fuck up and get out!


Like sure ... at some point I'm like ... a free for all and ... I have no say in the manners of so and so ... but the mechanisms of Love are subsequent to its primary manifestation. I mean, I put it this way because I see what's happening. The matters of intimacy are ignored, what remains is a function or mechanism - and then it is merely implied that any one could be "the guy". But doesn't that also mean ... that anyone could be ... "the Bitch"?


And ... how did we get here? I don't know. That ... uhm ... well, ...
Where's the exit?


Well, so much for 'maybe'.

Then there's the whole argument about how Love is irrational. How so our intimacy is meaningless - which then entitles the self-entitled to ... like ... You know. I mean, from the moment I "met" Monica, this has been ... an issue. Prior to that I was basically still stuck on ... "J.Lo" ... or more to the point, whatever "environment" my thing for her and #3 came from.

And so there's this ... "thing". That they might give me whatever she gives me - and so I'd have no reason to be with her.
And that's something I experience as a pull - like a demand - like ... someone else wanting something while I'm backed into a corner.

Because ... where is my view of the story? My will in the matter? My say in these things?

It's all argued away ... because ... "maybe".


And isn't that the type of mindset we're dealing with?
Maybes then become rule, beacuse of "the Privilege of the Ruler" - as they ought to take the shots into the dark. And so there is a Pathos to the role of a leader - and I presume that every self-proclaimed leader would seek to pride themselves of it. But whether or not they can, ought to be a matter of whether or not they accomplish anything.

Not ... "maybe". So ... can I proclaim myself ruler and then demand to be taken seriously, as the bringer of all that a ruler so generously tends to bring the moment they pop up, regardless of how much of it has been there before?


If You are a ruler that defies the will of the people, what are You?
Isn't that one of those ... both way streaks?

Well - it depends. And I guess, either way one acts here - is indirectly a judgment of those who would act differently. And while this is at the core of the issue, naturally there is no one clear ruler. Except maybe one who claims it for themselves and subsequently manages to make everyone else follow suit. Or so the stories go. Maybe failure is a symptom of illegitimacy.

Like ... "look at the fruits" ... and like ... it's actually wild ... I mean, it's almost like they're trying.


Sure, in the moment it might feel like success.
But if that's what success looks like, I'm glad to be a Loser.


I mean, does God impose His rule? I mean, in as far as physics is concerned - sure. But other than that? Isn't it the absence of His rule that's usually the point of contention?

And so I must wonder. How long has this been going? I mean, from the Gnostic writings ... there's Samael ... he who thought himself God ... like, right from the beginning. And must we presume, that this has been going since then - and now, still ... we're left to wonder or ponder ... upon what it is, that keeps him going.

Like, where is it? Your wonderful Kingdom? What is it like? Now that we have the words to describe ... in about anything.


Where is Your justice? Your righteousness? What have You built - to testify of it? Where are the fruits of thine labour?

Where do You stand now, against He who is in Everything that exists?


"Lies!" - "Deceit!" - he'd probably respond, waiting for the first moment where He could accuse the other of a fault or failure. How dare we challenge his logic with such foolish inventions? Insolence! And he would not have us talk about it any further. "Be gone! Heathens ... with a zed".

So, it seems that we enter a time in which we have outgrown the mental structures that might hold us captive to this type of reasoning - though, it's yet left to be seen how the hands of time and twists of fate would orchestrate a turn of events.


As to whether or not I can ... draw straight lines ... and do some basic math ... well. I sure can, thank You very much.