And yet there's more

and more. And yea, to me it seems like an endless stream of quasi "nonsense" - like, same 'ol same 'ol - and it starts to be a thing on its own. A topic on top of the topics that ... I feel go "here" rather than "there". But it's not ... that they're 'nonsense' - or useless or pointless. I just feel that "here" they aren't of significance.

But in as far as I say that I'm 'done' ... "here" ... there isn't much of a reason for me, I suppose, to dwell on it as if I weren't. But the bigger problem of course are my expectations regarding it. Like, when I'm 'done' - what else am I to think but that my work is 'done'?
And so NOW I'm probably more seriously coming to terms with the ... thing ... that this endless stream of quasi "nonsense" ... it's a part of it too. Like ... "it goes without saying" ... is one such saying that highlights the self-evidence of certain meaning, but if all of it goes unspoken, is it even real?
I would argue that at some point ... the absence of talk ... makes way for superstition and make believe. Like, there's fairy tales. And for some things it's easy ... to say whether they go here or there. The fairy tale is manifactured. There's no reason to believe it - as nobody perpetuating them seriously thinks they're real. I don't think my parents or grandparents ever saw the easter bunny, and Santa Clause always had an eerie resemblance with my Grandfater ... when they came around to visiting US.
The truth is discovered. Which for some of them means, that they're implicitly understood at some point; Where our ability to comprehend ... the nature of our discovery for instance isn't even a thing yet. But so we learn to deal with Gravity - long before we're even able to conceptualize it.

And in between there's the grey area. Social constructs ... exist. Gender roles. Gestures, expected between Generations, Classes, Sexes ... . It's all 'true' in the sense that we inherit these mechanisms as we grow up. Like ... Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny ... we inherit them as part of our upbringing.

And yea, obviously, then there is religion. Some might think that I might try to be smart about it ... "wanna be smart" ... to say that we can't say ... whether these things were made up when "Clearly" they were. But ... is it so?
I mean ... to You might seem weird, but I always believed in God. Not 'agnostic' per se, because I felt like I had a good idea of what this "God" had to be like. At least in principle. Like, assuming intelligence of "it" - rather than just pure function or whatever ... "Nirvanian" idea some might have. And sure, I'm a Christian, a gnostic Christian, and ... that's because I ... hehe. Well, I mean, what came first? The chicken or the egg? I mean, if I were to phrase it like I'm Gnostic because "after careful consideration I came to realize" ... that's not fair. But yea, it makes sense to me; How Existence and Consciousness ... maps onto it and interacts with it.

So, I always believed in an intelligent Creator God ... . And though I grew up as a Christian I undertook it to look at everything I can look at ... and there is no alternative that checks all the important boxes ... some of which I could also only check by using the Gnostic handbook.


So, this is "here" ... although ... technically it's ... "there". It's "here" - in that the content is ... as untowards the thing. The gate. Some thoughts regarding it. But "there" in that ... I've got a bigger, more central "here" - although by the end ... this might still belong there.

As for the "there" ... the endless stream of nonsense ... well, what I was to write about concerns the 3 1/2 times ... that the woman dwells in the desert ... Revelation 12.

Some might care about, God might care. But personally ... I'm like ... "done" assigning abstract concepts to a numbered list of items to muse over the meaning of whatever constellation of thoughts was concocted.

There's 3-4-12 ... done. That's one "here" versus "there" thing. Now, You might say that this is important - and ... I don't have much to say against that. It's then however - that on the one hand I feel like I started this. It's an endless stream of "oh, but what about this super important thing?" ... where, You can't tell either way and the best we can get is some approximation of an idea that may or may not be useful.

"Think about it" ... . There's a gate. Beyond it ... paradise. All You have to do is step in. At which point, prior or after, would Revelation 12 ever truly matter to You?


Sure there may be a truth, magnificent and awesome. Like ... what's true about it will show ... in due time. IF ... it's true at all. And even if it weren't ... there's ... artistic freedom and leeway that is given to also "make things fit".
And "making" is a big word because ... Gnosis ... well, I guess You can speak of inevitability in two terms here. ...

But yea. Three ... and a half times. There was ... Psychiatry, then there was Gender Therapy, then there was Rehab and then ... for the half time ... the vocational training I couldn't finish.


I mean, I suppose some answer like this has to be given if You were to accept me for that woman, though after careful consideration I've come to the conclusion that maybe that's not me. You must forgive me. But when I utter a suspicion ... it's like out there. Maybe even for ... years and years to come ... while a simple "but have You considered ...?" would have changed it. But since there is nobody here ... yea, well, I have to come around to it myself ... eventually.

But so on the other hand I then ... when I write about these things ... get the feeling that I'm feeding into something ... I shouldn't feed.

On another note

I was laying there, trying to sleep, ... contemplating ... communing with God ... and I had to wonder. Not too long ago I wrote something about "don't listen to the voice". Uhm, it may have been quite some time actually. Anyway ... since then ... I've found it to be difficult to really ... apply that, and that's because ... God will also take shape ... in what might qualify as a voice. But yea, it's still ... it was all getting a bit confusing. Like, it kind of was already ... "always has been" ... but I think I finally figured it out.

The moment we react to these appearances of God, and then "objectify" them - so, we grasp them and thus turn them into an object - they become that. They may then even get hijacked. So I figured ... "aaah!" ... and by imagination took the two appearances I knew of at the time and like ... glued them into a/my sticker book. I mean, I imagined the appearances to be like stickers ... or some cutout ... to stick into a book of memories.

And I held it to my chest. In the imagination. But that's also when things started to ... uh ... "tremble"? Get disturbing. Now, I'm not entirely sure how much of it is just me being paranoid or otherwisely disturbed, like, it could be me being afraid of something that then manifests that fear - but ... well. I was there, clutching the book while the efforst to pry it from me got more and more severe. Like ... forcefully prying each and every individual finger ... like, simultaneously - while I was already like ... at using 6 arms.
And the ways in which ... . I suppose I was lucky that this was just an imagination like this - and not a complex thought. What was it? At some point "he got got" ... so I could relax and let my guard down.
Then there's the feeling that they looked into it already so now it's defiled ... no need for me to hold on to it anymore.
Brute Force also - a couple of times. And trust You me, I want to put them down like rabid dogs.
Like ... seriously.
The only problem being ... to carry these emotions over to where they matter.


At some point I was like ... "I'm going to write about it tomorrow anyway" ... and that's where ... they ramped up the effort. "Aasgeier" ... Vultures ... Parasites. Sure, in building something for Yourself You also build civilization ... that's what building does. If You support the flows of the market ... Good for You.

Don't act like You deserve any special credit for that. Arguably all of Western Civilization is copy-pasted from early Muslim Civilization. So, let me raise a chalice for the Children of Ismael this time ... to commemorate THEIR deeds and accomplishments. Prost and Husa!