The rude awakening
Seriously ... I didn't think that I ate as much as just went out this morning; And it was a painfull passage. A reminder, I guess, that I'm not making things up.I mean, I'm also suffering from loss of identity. Like, a part of me doesn't know who I am anymore. So, the part that gave up, I think, ... .
Anyway, belly cramps aside ... I was struggling to piece together what I had on mind for today. I wanted to kill wyverns and take on Queen Slime. I mean, I've stepped into hardmode without killing the Wall of Flesh, by just taking my Character into the Daydream of Hardship world. So, my Pre-Hardmode set without any emblems ... by the way. There I started to mine up towards a Mythril pick and anvil, and ... it went fine.
At some point I thought that I should perhaps first try to get a Frost Staff ... so
Top: As soon as You can get Your hands on some Lava, You can try to get the Bloodmoon Summon. This is perhaps not the ideal way to build this, but the way it works is so: You throw the hook through the platforms and then step through the first door. If You fish one of those ... what the heck even is it? ... "Fish Werewolf" ... it'll jump up through the platform and attempt to beat down the door. Then You go to the right again. Eventually it will stop ... and instead of beating down the second one it turns around (else You have a problem). It's important that it can't leave. I had the first one just jump down the Hellevator. So, in this setup it just turns around - and maybe You have to be in the top right corner for this to work. It'll then walk up the stairs, by which point You want to go beneath it. It can "escape" to either the left or right, so, be careful of that.
The Summon is GREAT for putting enemies into stunlock. (Great in Hardmode, except when the thing is pushing them towards You)
Bottom: Fishing spot that per chance also works to firm Ice Cores. The ledge to the left is too high for them to jump up. The Golems can jump on top of the right though ... and then You're kindof unlucky because it's difficult to lure them back down.
Waiting for Frost Elementals I went to my fishing spot, and woe and behold, it works GREAT to also farm up on Ice cores. I didn't get a Frost Staff, but pretty much ... first or second one dropped a scythe. Which ... has really done some work. Maybe it's cheating in that there's barely a "Pure" spot in this world anymore. So, right away I had a large Crystal biome to traverse through ... though ... underground Hardmode Crimson ... Jesus.
While digging a Farm/Arena to gather all the items from that Biome that I'd ever need ... I barely noticed it. But making my way down there ... at this early stage ... . Talking about a Shithole and Golden Showers.
Anyway. I went there to see how far my current loadout might get me. But so, in basically no time I had a Full set of Palladium, Mythril and Orichalcum Armor ... while, well. I kind of gave up on the Adamantium. I had enough Bars anyway ... and went to some other world to collect Orichalcum and enough Titanium for a forge ... . Then also built a Sky Fracture and an Onyx Beater ... and just "took" my old Adamantium Armor - while making me a ... what's it called? Frost Armor?
I mean, I then also have my old Titanium Armor ... and ... overall I might not have enough for the missing Helmet to the set - and also financially I'm kind of back to being poor. 15 Gold for a reroll of the Sky Fracture. Yea, sometimes it hurts.
And then ... I already have a Frost Staff. I also have a Marrow. So ... I haven't had another one drop yet ... but ... . I mean, I have like ... definitely 10~ish Quivers drop while I was building my Crimson Arena ... and not one while gearing up. Nothing. But I like ... got a Titan Glove ... but, anyway ...
there was something I wanted to write about.
Well, to be precise
There are two topics still - or again - but still, on my list. "Why Jesus?" and "Videogames are Stupid".So, I have mixed feelings from playing Terraria. Like ... the Zenith ... or my newest Acquisition: The Shell Phone ... they are like Badges of Lifelessness.
It's like ... back when Lisa didn't have a Cell Phone yet, I still had a Life. But then came Zoe - built a Cell Phone - and then Alice, building a Hand of Creation ... and with their united powers ...
I mean, I was glad when I by accident fished up the last component for the Shell-Phone ... but ... I suppose I have to be careful about whom I'd tell about it. But ... it's still an accomplishment. One way or the other.
Unless you cheated.
And by cheating I mean ... well. Duping ... while not technically a cheat is technically a cheat. For instance. But it also kind of depends on how You cheated.
And also, this isn't to pass judgment - but accomplishments. And so, to not talk about all the ways of voiding them ... maybe it needs special attention.
And there's more. So, I ... play the game the way I do. I enjoyed using the Diamond Staff and got somewhat skilled with it. So, it's a shame for it to fall off the ... cliff of power-creep. And the Frost Staff ... well. The next 'real' upgrade might be the Specter Staff. I would also try to get my hands on a life-drain. And I don't know ... I mean. I already have one, but then ... seeing a Biome Mimic at this point in the game ... doesn't make me feel like I HAVE have it.
I suppose it won't be until Specter Armor that I'd feel safe taking them on.
But that's ... the other end of the tunnel.
But I can try to like ... speedrun the accomplishments, just to "Level Up" ... I suppose.
I try ...
But I digress ... .
I'm a little hazy ...
So ... accomplishments. So, may the Gods of fortune smile upon me? I practiced and got gud ... . But then, to really take it, I kind of have to look at the things where I didn't - am I good enough? Where's the bar?
Well, if I got gud at Street Fighter it's different. It's a game I can play competitively ... but I suppose, as with Fighting in real life, it's difficult to find worthy opponents. And there where You find them, there are those that have a lot more hours of "Lifelessness" in the game. And can it really be compared to sports?
Like, Sports is good for Your health, but if what You want to do is for Your health, You'd probably spend more time in the Gym rather than with a Ball. So ... Sports is stupid too.
So, for the picture I'd stand there ... Lisa, in her World, looking at the spread of death and decay upon the lands. "Yes, she has the Zenith and Solar Armor ... but at what price?" - but the truth is certainly not that dramatic.
But it sells the mood. The hours spent in game ... not being out there trying to get laid.
Cognitively however I suppose all the time, however I spent it, worked out great. I'm like ... overperforming compared to my original school performance. I also bring a degree of competence to the table that I felt people were willing and glad to rely upon.
And that's where we come back to accomplishments. So, Diamond Staff versus Thunder Zapper. I had that ... contention going on. I had not yet found a Zapper ... like, I was way too busy doing things other than fishing or running around in the Underground Desert. And all the time it was ... "right there". Literally. There's a Minecart track I use to get to the Jungle ... and at some point it goes up and then down ... and right there at that tip ... a Superior Thunder Zapper. Anyhow. I did not know until that day that there's random Sandstone chests everywhere.
So, anyway. I then went on to beat Queen Bee and Skeletron ... once with a Thunder Zapper and once with a Diamond Staff. And the Thunder Zapper is certainly the better Weapon here, but one does rely heavily on a Demon Scythe also. With the Diamond Staff the issue, my issue at least, is that I tend to forget that I also have the Demon Scythe ... and then run into DPS problems, maybe. Against the Old One's Army ... the Diamond Stuff is clearly better. The main thing is that the Diamond ... Blast pierces through enemies. So, by the time it hits a second enemy, the DPS overall is beyond that of the Zapper. But then ... dealing with Wyverns ... and flying targets ... the Diamond Staff is bad.
So, ignoring Damage numbers, the weapons also have different properties. Being able to hit a target ... as to also anticipate what's coming ... is different between the two. The Diamond projectile moves slow and ... floaty enemies like eyeballs get tossed around by them. You have to anticipate where the enemy will be and how fast the projectiles move ... and that at a reasonable rate/speed. Doing the same with something like the Frost Staff during a solar eclipse might be possible, but I'm not the one.
And so, there aren't many ways ... I think ... that one could engage with some of those experiences. Maybe this is a silly example ... but ... we like ... don't have to go out into the woods to catch Bear ... or some such thing ... anymore. But we can farm for a Frog-Staff and use our brain to solve the problems that present themselves along the way.
Or we can devise a contraption that converts bones into papers.
Maybe even books.
Well, in some abstract. But the mind keeps busy. It keeps jogging.
So, if You use tools to cheat, You still ... do something. You analyze a problem and solve it. Well ... . Whatever. And beyond that ... .
You do You.
Unless ... there's a social component to it; And things like addiction matter as well. But cool. Addiction. Depression. All well and all, but ... one question that irks me about it is the matter of what expectations society like, ... indirectly ... uhm ... 'systemically' imparts upon us. Of course the Doctors and Caretakers only mean for us to "get better" ... and naturally the norms of society make for a reasonable baseline to measure against ... but if those are like the problem, it's down to "Fine, I suppose I take the meds and pretend like this is making things better somehow".
I mean, being there ... at the Ledge, with the Zenith in hand ... it was a short-lived ... moment of grief. "ZENITH!".
The thing is that I stood there, also looking a broken life ... for sure ... but Terraria isn't what brought me there. No game is what brought me there. Well, maybe I could have coded instead of so and so, but well, I certainly tried.
You can act like ... me playing the game was the moment where I could have finally succeeded ... had I not played the game ... though whenever I do not play a game ... it's like ... where's all the doors?
It's weird how that goes.
Well. How did it go? Well, there was that day ... I was stressed out ... not feeling well ... and I called in sick, went home, smoked weed and started to play Factorio.
And yea. Maybe it was stupid. But overall ... my life didn't seem to be going anywhere ... while I had all that anger and frustration stored up in me, I really needed to CALM the F down. Just ... down. And so I did. Finding a game ... as something to chew on and distract myself with. And functionally, it's in the line of work I do. Calculating Ratios and Production speeds, solving logistical challenges, "making things work" ... . And yea, figuring out Nuclear Power in Factorio is probably not on the same Level as figuring out Nuclear Power IRL, but it still ... well. I mean, I didn't use the Wiki.
So, how does it work, versus ... what's just superstition. TO me, certainly, gamer superstition is a thing!
You think something works one way when actually it works another.
And also I didn't beat the game. I left it at some point, which is to say ... it wasn't my priority. It was a thing that I did for a while. That also didn't really negatively impact ... my career. My health kind of did that.
And maybe somewhere in there, there's also my own stupidity compounding all of it into a real juicy shit-burger ... but well. That's the thing. You want to tell me that it's because I play videogames, but then ... what else would I do?
And someone who just refuses to work, will also find other ways ... to ... not do so.
Just as those who are determined to look the other way. At the end of this, or the other topic on my list.
Why Jesus? Well, because it is so. That's the point. God is true and God is one. Where God is, is where God is. If HE has a name, then that name is what it is. If HE ever showed, then it was HE who did.
And thus is Jesus and the legacy that came from Him.
And what's the problem? Is it shame? Shame that You did, or would have been, one of those who condemned Him - where maybe even all You ever wanted was to do right by the Lord? Or is it pride? Why He? Why that? Why so?
Well, isn't that my story too? People expected something different - so, within their expectations ... and the whole that comes and follows it ... they were unable to see the truth for what it is. Irrational expectations also. Fallacies. Faulty Conclusions. However You want to feel good about it. Or "can".
And is there, within it, a certain impetus to dominance and action - fueled by ignorance and pride? Isn't there so the rule of the ruler who would prune their wine-yard, weed out the worthy from the unworthy ... and if need be, throw the superfluous to some calamity of their or some one's own making perhaps?
So, who is this Jesus ... saying that what You do unto one of those small ones, You also do unto Him?
A man who walked around healing the forsaken ... . How would one feel of someone like this, where You're rooting for their death?
See ... the chaos of the world makes this forever more complicated than it is. Or needs to be. You deflect and deny ... seeking refuge in the transient without seeing the everlasting in its simplest simplicity.
And now me. I also didn't live up to expectations, and ... that's a very benevolent reading of the situation.
Well, add this or that detail, and it looks a whole lot different. But what about this and that? Well, at the end we can move things up and down to see which has to hold the most weight ... settle out the priorities ... when in reality ... none of that really fixes anything. We find a way to feel about and then deal with a situation. If You're my friend, You'll care that I'm cared for. If You don't, You don't care how I fare.
That's one problem. I don't have any helping hands to do ... any kind of stuff ... wholesale, period.
People who would say ... maybe try this or look here ... . Why? Like ... who cares?
But isn't that how things go? You got people looking out for You, bringing You offerings, introducing You to others, making things go. Like, You got wronged? Let's talk to a lawyer and see to it that "the will of the people" is adhered to. Well, it's all in the money. If I can pay people to care, that's ... then literally their job. And if their job is to make me look good, then that's what they'll do.
And I'm not saying this because I want it, but for purposes of visualization: There's nobody to put me on a pedestal, all dressed up and surrounded by Ritual and Mystique ... perhaps a nice abode to go with and call Temple. Like, really ... where would I get some such thing from? If not by some ... scam or other ... nonsense?
So, at no point did I inspire enough people to enough confidence to ... do something for me. So, whether the expectations be of this or that nature ... I ... it is what it is. Not sure what I'm going for here. History will have to be written by someone else, I suppose.
But then, I feel it so. Maybe people where hot enough, arguing against me, that ... it would really suck if it turned out that I was right. Whatever ... right and wrong amount to here. I don't know. But ... I digress ...
So, I'm sure that others can fill in these blanks. Some things simple, others not so much. But I guess ...
Try this one: Mortality is a ruse to give us an excuse to not care about others.
But that's ... just the start. When it gets perverted, the suspicion of an afterlife becomes an excuse to challenge its determination. Where ever you end - it's still just some end down that one rabbit hole that one isn't supposed to step into. It's just a natural progression of the initial recklessness ... and an unwillingness to let go of the faulty excuses that led up to that.
And sure enough. With Power one might do ... that people admit fault where there is none. Whatever then is "Too Important" to be exposed for what it is ... is then considered "worth it" ... where at the end of the day, or so, the current day, what did we get from that?
You possibly didn't even properly considered what it is You afforded to Yourself and at what price.
But so You treat life as a videogame ... at the peril of those suffering Your whims ... .
And the people around You? What do You tell them? Then?
Like ... You may dream of doing it right ... by speaking of some distant Utopia. And by feeding the chaos of the day, You make people dream of one themselves. Order through Lies and Deceit ... and what's important now ... is squarely a matter of politics.
And what about Mercy?
Well. How am I to speak of these things? About "the vibe" maybe? I mean, what do I know about human-to-human pleasantries? I don't know what I 'get' out of any of this either. I have grievances and wounds to lick that make me question if I can be fixed - but God is just God. If I care about Him, I adjust my heart so that I can vibe with Him. And when there's vibe ... there's that. I exact forgiveness and thanksgiving unto Him ... such that we can keep on vibing - and for the most part, for me, that's the end of the story.
Somewhere in there, there's also Jesus and Videogames.
Like ... seriously. What else? No Fun? I mean, if fun is a matter of suffering - there sure is an amount of suffering I'm willing to take. Like, I don't have a life ... but that's why I play videogames, not the other way around.
If I had a life, I'd still play videogames. Is what I'm saying.
But so, may I have a life? How would that look or make sense with the scriptures? Need I be holy ... and walk through the world on faith alone ... while people around me just ... give me the impression that nothing is going on so I can be more faithful?
Show me nothing, so my vision is undestorted and unbiased?
So what is it? Fake News? Not Fake News? How am I to know?
I mean, I just look away ... I can't handle it.
But the BS is everywhere. I mean, I was Teabagged by a Pink Glowy bat yesterday ... .
Yea, the Crystal Cave gank squad had a go on me.
Hmm ... and now an idea for my game.
So it goes. I'm charging again ... it would seem. But ... there isn't any real density just yet.
I see it as a reward. Another piece of the puzzle ... received for a job well done. I mean, I could try to "perfect" this ... but to be honest, this type of stuff is out of my comfort zone. And that is too ... a part of the whole. To understand our individualities - not only the flux, but ... our Character ... or Spine or how to put it.
I have my little corner with God - and whatever else I have with Him ... like ... just on its own. There's a way, where ... one has to respect that God doesn't want to be certain things for us. And when it comes to intersocial behaviors ... I'm totally useless. So, the circles I run aren't all that there is, I'm sure ... but from where I'm at I can also only see "so much".
If I'm going out of my way to get at a thing, that's already good work. Where, if I'm comfortable with something ... I have to go a bit further out to get there.
But so - You care or You don't. Maybe You can't ... given the circumstances and what it is that I am asking. But so, this middle ground ... is it above or beneath You?
From how I feel You need to look down, into the ditch where I'm at. In other respects You probably should look up. But ... yea ... I should keep my eyes on the ball?
Well, if there's difficulty involved ... I'm a flunk. For however hard I want to be among the first to try something - and however hard I pride myself of my accomplishments - I'm not really good. But it also depends. There's "games" ... and then there's grey area and then there's 'serious'.
Fail ...
?? Anyway. The issue still stands ... that what I accomplished, relative to my comfortabilities ... that's best observed by God. Like, whom else would You ask or rely on? So, sure - the question is: How do You do it? But ... no, that'll come "on its own". The thing is that once He does ... His observations are the ones that are brought to bear. And maybe this ... is a good ... example. As ... a real life thing ... so, what's ... God? How is this to play out?
So, while I may have done well, You might not be satisfied. It might be the circumstances. I'm not omniscient, I have to live where I'm at ... You know ... and use the limited resources - mental and physical - at my disposal. There's no way to cheat something in. It might be merciful to recognize the need and reach out with a helping hand. To look at what speaks for it, rather than undermining every shred of credibility I produce.
Maybe You really don't see it - but there is a discrepancy to be alerted about. It is like ... physically impossible for me to find certain things. And Yet I feel like people would ask me to go fetch it anyway ... like, "because God" or some such thing. And then, woe and behold, ever so often God would take me somewhere ... so, it's a bit Metroidvania-esque.
So, what do I know? But truth remains ... it's a thing. And how You wield "the power of imbalance" against me, is like, indicative of the fact that we know of no safeguards against it. So, at some point we should be alerted about it. Like ... just in general. As like ... 'a society' ... which means, it's like a "turf war" from bottom to top it would seem.
So, I must wonder ... what are the fair standards that I should live up to?
And ... would it matter?
If society doesn't care ... it doesn't care. And yea, this society I speak of - I suppose it can't exist without God. And so ... I'm 'here'/there ... waiting.
That little bit extra:
As for screws, I may at this point be held together by a singular one. And yea, this one screw does some serious work ... and it seems to be able to hold in about anything. So ... progression-wise (^^) now would be a good time to clean up the Dungeon. And speaking or thinking of it ... I partly do it on purpose, but mostly with the 'gusto' of knowing that this is my life right now and ... whatever shame I have about it can only matter within the context of it.
Like, step out and do what?
And ... am I crazy to be as defensive as I am, or is it there, somewhere, in fact necessary?
Oh, the needs. What is and isn't?
Here's a thing: Maybe ... look away. You know that they can't be where they are and not be guilty, so I feel - and yet they get away with it. Eventually people forget what it's all about ... after ... giving them some benefit of the doubt ... where instead one should have given them a bullet. It's like wrestling - and while You think You're waiting for an answer, they move on to sow doubt and make You forget what any of it was about in the first place.
So, when You come to, You should remember that. And then ... look elsewhere.
Then You may find that somehow ... they have a gathering. People come in and strengthen their social position. Maybe enough to keep You lulled in. What do You do? I would love to have a map for You, but right now ... there's only one place I have and ... I'm not sure for how long that's going to last me.
Then, if You worry about fighting them, so sometimes I feel like You put the burden on me. I have to fight for You. But NO!
You put Your faith in them, in something that is theirs, in something they control. Of course ... You're not going to get it just like so - and the more You feed into it, the more they'll rob You of Your senses.
There is no beating it. And You have to let go of the pride. Like, what if all we do is play Terraria? What then? Why the fuck not? I mean, if in the meantime we also do other things. But there's like a home - and nobody is here. So, what are You doing? What are You fighting for?
For them to be Your friends?
Sure that it's not just an illusion?
I mean, they would "never" - because You ... really want to hurt them but You can't.
And Your pride dictates that You ... owe them for it. Whatever.
I don't know what I'm feeling but I'm disgusted.
But I get it. Sometimes I'm just ... at a loss at why this or that is so important. I have experience that it pays out, but still it doesn't really ... sit. But then ... it pays out. And that's great.
Or what?
Anyway: At the core of it, these things are SIMPLE. TO say, there's no extra knowledge or some such thing required. It's a matter of the heart. The rest follows from there.
If You don't get it, won't get it can't get it - day in and day out - then ... You're most likely a vile and disgusting piece of shit. Simply put. You can be glad that You're given the light of day, as to even be allowed to have time for recourse and reconsideration. If there were something to show, we'd have seen it? 3, 2, 1 ... what are we even talking about?
You need it to be about You? Hot? Cold?
Is there an argument I'm asking for, that I don't want in real life?
I mean, I suppose I can already smell the strings of the web that's being cast.
I mean ... he would be the first one here still - so, he never did nothing that You didn't want. I mean, ... and so he's got an out to make it about ... how he never really liked seeing me "that way" - and was rooting for me to maybe find a way ... and ... I don't know ... he kind of has a point there, You know.
However ... before we can get to anything important I'd have my ass up in pleasantries ... and that for however long I might be entertained. And that's why the ninedom matters. I mean, I could look past it and have You figure it out ... like, I've written it all down and ... where I wait ... is like, unimportant. I mean, You don't even really need me, like ... You have it all figured out, don't You?
And I don't know what to do or root for. Is it to give You space, or am I giving You too much? Neither and both. It's ... it's actually not complicated.
I care about my own - and if You're not a part of it then I don't care. If You insist, why does it make me feel like an act of hostility that I should call some kind of cavalry over?
So, to be put down like a rabid dog - is what I find for "You" at the end of "this" road.
There is no partnership or happy marriage for there is no reason for this other thing to exist. There is no space for tolerance ... for it ... as we have all seen what happens once this weed is allowed to grow.
Everything rots.
And so ... what follows is what we may consider a mutual agreement.
If You're undecided or just want to be out there ... then fine, go do that, I guess. To say, we then have no business with each other until we do. And that then depends on the kind of power that is awarded to us. Like, by having it. If we're a little commune, well - it's tough. If we're the world government, ... You got to watch Your step because by God ... the ice is getting thin!
Well ... anyway ... sometimes we spend our time on things and it feels like ... loss.
And yea ... there is this last nail ... and it really screams for a hammer.