A Normal Day

Well, this morning I woke up and ... I had an idea for Terraria that I'm currently missing, but then ... I'd go out into the day, do stuff, at some point the idea would come back, I'd be thinking about it and by the time I got around to play it ... have an even better idea. Then I'd go for it and then run into time issues. Either I'd get my fill for the day or not ... and soon I'd be there staying up way too long ... or something. I don't know, but ... that's how it ended "last time". I mean, that time where I wrote Crystals ... that was luck. Like, illness plus hollidays ... plus ... something extra.

Anyway, none of that bothered me this morning. Which is still happening. The water is still getting ... uhm ... . ... Uhm, that was my first sip of coffee for the day, I'm three hits from the bong into it also; And first thing I did was try to call someone.

I'd have an appointment today, via phone - and last time I said that I was going to do something; And if I didn't, I'd have a problem. Well, I didn't, I have a problem ... and this morning being all normal and mundane without anything special going on had me think. As before. What would I do? Like, normally?

Yesterday it was all "money pot" and ... the who is who of "to take responsibility for what" - and yea. I figured that ... it's kind of true. If they were to take responsibility for me having emotions, I'd probably shut down and try not to have any. There are mo... oh. That's a Terraria story.

I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm lazy and tired ... . I'm getting slow.
ANd weak.


|Pathetic|
Not that I, uh ... I mean. Here's the Terraria thing: Let those two figures - my Ashera Avatar - be mine. I mean ... I have a lot of shit going through me. My Flux is ... crazy. It goes from calm to tense to stressed to panic ... like ... whatever. And I'm not sure ... why this and that is the way it is - but it's somehow in me, part of the system ... and yea, I don't trust myself. I don't really know ... what to identify with or as ... and if it's all too complicated to me, I can't really ... "use" it. Even if You can tell and figure ... I don't know what to feel safe with.
And because Terraria is my life right now ... and the whimsy suits my agenda ...


And yea. The issue with my life would be that ... there's nothing miraculous about me taking social aid. And I don't know why it has to be. I mean ... by all accounts, we live in a society. And I'm not running to the Government for help either. Per se. I wouldn't know that. The true Heroes of my life so far have been the Social Workers behind the Desk of a group named 'eva' - which is part of the Evangelical Churches social program. Or something. Like a branch of ... what's it. Diakonie? Caritas? One or the other, the other is the Catholic version. Well, I'm not sure. But anyway.
They know their shit, they know how to handle a lot of different stuff ... they got their eyes on what's going. But alas ... the wheels have started to tire, I suppose.

And as within a healthy society ... there would be a place where someone like me could go to get help. I mean, and it would be better. I mean, when it comes to Doctors appointments and stuff, I find that ... the fact that nobody knows of each other is ... frightening. Or ... where to even go? It's like ... everyone more or less works under the impression that the client is to have done all the necessary research BEFORE getting any help, such as to even BEGIN to understand WHERE to look. And I suppose for people like me that means ... back to square 1.


But there was nobody available via phone, then I read that the appointment is moved to a yet unspecified day in the future ... I was reliefed and smoked some weed. And now I suppose I have to play Terraria.


Well ... I mean. After I started writing, the day didn't feel normal anymore. It felt blessed. And so, there's that. Like ... yea. Sometimes ... the mundane is broken ... like, just like so. By a little bit of something. "Action" ... . Like 'spice'.
Well.


In a way ... thereby ... some purity is getting tarnished. A bubble is being popped. Corruption enters the system. But then, what is and isn't corruption ... it depends. If You want to see Yourself as part of the System ... and we want to be strict about this System being "the bad parts" of it ... so, Anarcho Capitalism for a broad stroke, then I'm clearly the enemy. And while this System maintains itself as part of our Social understanding, and/or get-together and some such things ... so, while it also shrouds itself within the things we deem normal ... while it can so move and dwell among us ... they can try to use this relationship to re-enforce this painting of the scenery.
Am I a Terrorist?
Would I be?

Anyway ... in this event I rather Identify with something like the Zerg ... or Xenomorphs. I'd try not to be compared to Eleven, as ... I suppose that's ... "too real".
I mean, speaking of the actual physical conditions of my life ... well, they are what they are. And for what's psychological ... well, that's "just" that. And I'm better off, I would strongly suggest, for "just" having those types of problems.


Here's the thing with my Grandpa. He ... was the only one to ever like ... care for me. In a way that would matter to me emotionally. So, in a way I idolized him; And yet ... at the end of the day ... I suppose I was merely treated like a dog. Well, for better or worse.

And yea. I don't know. I ... don't have any issues with that. Maybe "dog" is a bad word, so ... Cat perhaps? Like, I'm very particular about who gets to pet me ... and stuff. I am the one that does the adopting, not the other way around. But then, Dogs can be like that ... just the same. Not sure what to look for here.

I mean ... I don't know. Is this a soul thing? Is it nurture? Was my gramps a good or a bad guy?
Well, looking back ... all he ever did was to prepare me for life ahead - and at the end, well, probably he was disappointed that I was stuck at home.
There's the Song ... "Haenschen Klein" - uhm, I have to check my Keyboard settings at some point - and all sorts of little wisdoms. "Spare in der Not, dann hast Du in der Zeit". But he was also under the staunch impression that whatever I was doing was a waste of time. That there's no money in it - and I suppose that's also the wall he ran into that kept frustrating him about me.

The more I think about my past, the more it mystifies me. Like ... I barely know anything about it. All I see are walls. I mean, I'm on my own and ... not "let in" to anything. Just out here, like ... a lazy Dog kicked out the door. And sure enough, that happened at some point.


And yea, somehow ... in there is a good reason for why we might want/need Military backup. Within this System's loopholes ... there are ... "modalities". Like, You say "freedom of speech" perhaps to protect a hate mob. "Personal Property" and the "Right to Stand Ground" are such a thing that people seem to have - whether it be given/granted to them or not.

And within ... my musings, I find a certain stink. And then one day I saw a video. It was of some old "Jew" blessing a masked man for having raped a Palestinian ... like, in public. And there was something about it - the lighting, the colors, the scenery, the overall atmosphere ... it reminded me of said thing. But so, Israel is currently one of the bigger examples. Hostage situations. Where ... what lurks under the appearances of what we deem normal ... is horrifying and gruesome. And "our hands are tied" - the story seems to go - and so we're bound to watch it grow and fester.
The things we believed would protect us, then turned into shackles to bind us.


The stink. It was lurking in the walls. Maybe it still is, but there's something ... that looks just like it but it's different. I suppose. Well, it's not Garlic.

When a man beats a woman ... who's in Distress? The woman for being beaten, or the man for whatever provoked it?

And yea, I do have an opinion on that. When played out ... the problem is Capitalism. The problem is, that for a woman to feel safe in the world as it presents itself, she will need a "certain" type of man - and men who live up to those exact ideals are usually assholes. Or dipshits. Or some capacity of a fool.

The men on the other hand don't know how to please the women, because ... the way things are ... they are stuck and they'd hope for the woman to be contempt with it.

Both are in distress ... and both - at some turn - are victim and perpetrator at once.
So, in the general ... "metaphysical reality" ... I suppose. I guess that's a thing. I'm exploring now ...


But I guess ... the real problem with Feminism is that there are too many bitches out there that don't understand it.


I mean, let boys be boys and hoes be hoes ... is how that saying should go.
And on that note ... no and no ... but that's a different one.


So, whoever wants to live in this "world" has to live by its rules. And boys know the kind of bitch they want, just as bitches know the kind of boy they want. There's nothing mysterious or magical about it. There's no greater misfortune other than the thing itself. And making it about Gender and Sex is like making the ice responsible for the melting poles.

But yea. It's like ... You try to explain Feminism but then people run around ... yelling about how it's the problem; And why is that? How is it? And why are there so many women amongst them?

So, You listen to them to get an idea of where they're coming from - and what You get to is a "woeful misrepresentation" at best. I mean, here we don't find arguments that make sense. We find a bogeyman ... like ... an effigy ... with labels tacked onto it ... and the logic follows from the foregone conclusion that they're the villain.

That's what I see. What "we" see. We ... who speak of it this way. And surrounding it are stories. Like, ... when someone gets hurt, all we seem to care about is what color and sex the perpetrator was.

But ... there was something cooking in my head. Like, to see it for more of what it is. This misunderstanding isn't merely ... a misunderstanding. It does come FROM somewhere, like an entity ... where there is an ideology ... but uhm, am I getting ahead of myself or is this a broken record type situation?


Sticking to the ball ... which way You might value feminism may first come down to how You look at the problem. If the "men doing what they do" is not only the "all that You know" but also culturally re-enforced that way, then yea - the Patriarchy CERTAINLY isn't THE or A problem; And any "villains" that "You" could produce may very well just be that. Villains. But they aren't THE problem.
But meanwhile Feminism is "corroding" "Society" - as in, it threatens this particular framework in which the masculine authority is not to be questioned.

So they speak of an evil that targets the very fabric of society ... a society that is built on and by men - who are either like this or like that. They either succumb to the temptations put before them, or they don't.
And as the woman puts all responsibility into the hands of men ... well ... the Temptress eventually gets to have a castle or whatever. It's like ... hmm ... I don't know.


If You oppose the idea then, that men be held accountable ... because that's "Feminism" ... You've been had.
Same with Socialism. It's all fine ... until "they" start to call it "Socialism".


Hmm ... where am I?

It's anyway ... the same thing. A true Feminist is also a Socialist - because Socialism ... or whatever You want to call it ... is to aim at cultivating a healthy society. As so, built around cooperation and mutual respect. So also to create the environments where men can be men ... and bitches can be bitches ... without the caffaffle of ... also existing in a capitalistic meat-grinder.

So, women are guilty just the same as men are. And however things calm down when all the weird and never-to-be-spoken things have been untangled and spoken about at length ... that's a different story.

[Tune in Chip'n'Dales (???) theme song]