The Monster in me

I don't know how long ago ... but since then, I had multiple occasions to think of it and be glad that I did.
I wrote ... like, telling You, that there's a Monster inside of me and eventually it'll come out and ... I needed You to not listen to it and understand ... what it is. Where it's coming from. ??? Something along those lines.

But also ... I had to acknowledge, to myself, that that wasn't quite what I meant. I mean, whenever I was glad that I wrote it. But I suppose that what I meant also just happened ... so, I kind of want to revisit that and ... rehash what I was on about.


So ... I got up this morning ... and right away I was in full panic mode. I have to ... take care of a few things, but ... my mental getup is like ... diametrically opposed to all of that. I on the one hand want to preserve that and on the other ... I don't want to mess up. So, tension rising, so and so ... "what do I do?" ... and sat down with my Bong ... smoked something ... and then there it was. That feeling. And I was like: Why do I like it so much? It was ... all the panic and tension just went ... 'poof'.
And now I don't know if that's a good thing.
I thought ... it'd sound really weird if I told You about it.

And I don't know how to really put it. The words I'm using might be terribly inadequate. But ... there's like ... a fog. Let's compare it to ecto mist (Terraria) ... . Sorrow maybe. Something that creeps up and ... takes over. "Voices". Ideas ... . But in this moment ... I looked out. Oh ... yea. I thought ... 'poof' and the sun came out. I mean, it's sunny, but You know ... there was still a cloud apparently. Or was that ... after ... ?
I mean, so ... I looked up and 'ignored' that whatever crept up there. Like, I wanted to preserve that moment, ponder it ... and that must have kind of done the trick. Because ... in that moment I was ... contemplating my inner peace or something ... versus some other thing. And anyway ... it kind of got blocked out and I had a moment of clarity. Just ... being me ... while that fog, those sorrows ... it kept lingering there. Something ... climbing up to like outsmart me and drag me back into ... sorrow. Or maybe those "hallucinations" in which I'm either this or that.

I mean, it makes sense - but to recognize these things as separate from myself, that's ... weird. I never felt it like this and my description is terrible.

It's almost like I have nothing else - and the way my subconscious is wired into all this has me ... concerned. Ringing the alarm. I mean, I don't know what to do. But what's the matter? What's the consequence? What am I afraid of?
Maybe I'm afraid of being left alone with this. Maybe ... that little moment of Clarity was ... life. The good part. And I was wondering ... a part in me being surprised that it "took this long" ... and then me being not sure what I meant. The last time since I had a moment like this (20+ years?) or the time it took for the mist to creep in.

And the issue is that I kind of ... 'demand' it. And it sure would be silly if I now ... further leaned into it, but ... that's that. So, I'm here - supposed to lick wounds ... but then also all the other stuff, that inflicts them in the first place. Nature of the fight? I mean, it is what it is. Let's not ... get mad at each other right away.


It's kind of the same thing. Like, yea, wanna go mad? "Let me see what I can do for You ...". It's just stupid ...

Oh no. This may actually already have been enough to kind of ... uhm ...
"Lalalalala"



Why is this always where I end up ... ? When I have something that's like ... . I mean, it starts with me ... moving away from something. Then I look around and ... see I'm alone. I try to mention it and right away I'm sucked into a Maelstrom of Bullshit and Political Intrigue and what not ... and people get mad and angry and then I am the one that has to deal with it ... . And yea, in some part there is nothing I can do, but to sit things out. And if I can't do that, sure ... . But there ought to be an end to me sitting this out. And ... Monster in me or not ... I'm just starting to get worried. Like, in general. Like ... "is God my friend?" ... type of low.

Oh, that's already old. I've already crawled out from that. And now what? I just have to suck "it" up? You know what it is You're asking?


What I meant, originally, is that I felt like something irrational was slumbering inside of me - and I felt it getting stronger - and I felt it ... "getting into my head" ... and I suppose that the issue was that there are two sides to this. People like this and people like that.

Anyway ... I have to set myself beyond these things. Just ignore it. Whatever. But still ... I'm like Solo ... getting Griefed by a Gank-Squad ... "in Minecraft". There isn't much one can do ... . And this isn't just my neat little "mental balance" we're talking about. Like, there's no such thing to start with. Isn't that how the story began? I'm not sure. Have we come to a resolution? ... Not really? ... There's ... my will to live, my faith in humanity, like ... the very bearing foundation of my existence in this ... life.

And faith in humanity ... it's this ... what's the word? Fickle? I mean, obviously the Problem is right there! What's the name from that guy in the Minions? Well, You know the meme I'm thinking of, right?

I mean, obviously the Problem is right there!


And sure, I don't need faith in humanity for this and that - but without it, all sorts of nonsense can creep in. Like, why do I care? Righteousness? Justice? [Huak To] - spit in Your face and now PISS OFF.

That feels good! That feels ... yea! Right! And Juicy! How about taking a toothpick and stirring around in that wound? Oh ... well. I'm not ... that excited about it. I'm not a sadist. But there sure is something deep inside that's like ... curious.


I suppose that's ... how it feels ... to "come to" ... from within a Dystopian society.
I mean, how deeply we're in it, ... may vary from perspective to perspective. Skeletton on a chair at the bottom of an ocean? "Always has been"?

And it may here not be the society that's Dystopian, but ... my intermediate environment. I mean, social aid workers can only do so much; And ... outside of that I have nothing. I'm ... supposed to get help but I can't.
I'm ... well. What am I supposed to do? "Poof" or no Poof?


Then I'm there ... having like ... feelings ... for or over Baldur's Gate 3. Allegedly just a practice in vanity. The type of thing that I'd lean into, from within this mood ... "Poof" ... so, hours and hours later I have saved ... what's the name ... from impending Doom by hands of "Mother Brain" ... and in the meantime I've gotten poorer and less capable ... while others have gotten richer. And ... would it have made a difference? Well, Baldur's Gate gave me the feeling of purpose ... and it all led to vanity and nothing. But at least I had a good time while getting there!


But ... so, taking another hit from the Bong ... I was asked "but can't You at least exploit it for what there is?" - and I figured: No. I don't even know what is. I'm here (I was about to end it because that's how it felt like) ... not having any context cues. It's like trying to figure out windows ... with the screen turned off. You'd sit there and understand ... so and so, but that reminded me. Or something ... "vibing" therein.

So, this past sunday ... I visited my Mum. On my way out I smelled someone having made "Sauerbraten" ... and yea, with Spaetzle and Cranberries ... yum. Well, I was looking forward to ... some rice and Philippine cuisine. And initially I was having a good time. I was worried that I would once again be the center of attention. But they came back from a long stay there - and my Brother in Law and my Niece kept the ball rolling.

But after cake and coffee ... my stomach started acting up. It did so earlier already. I had to take a dump ... like ... three times by the time it came to supper. And yea, I was looking forward to it. But from the very first bite I took, something felt off. I couldn't enjoy it. The Mozarella, the Tomato, ... Eating the meat almost felt painful. I don't know ... .
The Beef was too salty ... that's the only ... objective issue I spotted, but I wasn't interested in the Beef anyway, like ever. Chicken is where it's at.

But so ... I barely finished my plate and eventually the conversation got to me and my health. And ... I think I've been gaslit. And ... I suppose I can thank God that ... most of this type of stuff has been spared me. I mean, I never had to deal with my parents regarding any type of illness or issue or some such thing I might have. But then ... I wouldn't know if I had any.
I mean I had my ... something ... there, back of the throat I guess, removed as a child. So, the Illusion of healthcare was there. Sure ...

Like ... seriously. I say something and what comes back is like ... the opposite. After some back and forth ... I was like ... I eat, belly makes terror. I am going to take a digestive nap now - and then maybe eat some more. And what did she say? That it's because I've been up all night (playing video games?) and thus not having slept enough.

I have slept plenty, thank You!


And it occurred to me - as clear as never before - that ... all she ever does is ... like this. Belitteling whatever thing I have. My dad was more aggressive about it ... like, telling me straight that I'm a good for nothing; So, my Mum I suppose was the "soft" aspect to it. "No darling! You're just an idiot, that's it!".

So, being sympathetic towards me, making me drop my guard, giving me some place I can feel safe ... . But in what brief time I was there, I mean ... the idea crept up ... some image from Kosti's Journey where being stuck in Eshem's Palace is like ... getting cobwebbed by invisible spiders. Yea ... oof. Cobwebs ...


So, I must say ... this was one of the shorter stays ... and ... just short enough. ...


What helps against Cobwebs is a whip. You can make the simplest one out of just wood and ... well, cobwebs. Or string? I'm not sure. In Terraria.


And yea. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I'm making progress. I mean, on the one hand I feel sometimes like all I do is carry items back and forth. But still ... the base keeps growing and evolving. It's weird. Like ... my mind latches onto my being in a state of ... "non motion"? Well, it's really whenever I do anything - at some point it's all-consuming. That's ... true in the macro. Like, God has situated me in this "crash and burn" type of mindset ... quasi ... and now I'm acting through it - as in some "Fake it Til You make it" type situation. But this ... this is still "Invisible Cube" type of stuff. The occasion ... and the situation ... happenstance upon happenstance ... . It's all in the mix.

So, when I'm in Panic Mode ... it's my skepticism. My doubt. My ... sober conscience or ... my imperative survival instinct. But so, shaking all that off, means that I'm walking a very thin line here ... untowards a goal that ... I "can't move towards". Like ... it's beneath me.

No, this time around ... the mountain will have to come to the Prophet.


Like ... "who do You think [we are/I am]?"

So, I was reading up on the situation with the Temple of Ezechiel and the East Gate recently ... and if anything, it highlights once ... God as isolated from all the rest, with but one being allowed a special privilege.

It may read as a blueprint for a physical structure - and I cannot be sure one way or another - nor can I presume that this person is me, given the ambiguity of context ... but there is some such thing as God's own inherent intimacy. I mean, HIM being God means that there is NATURALLY more stuff than He could ever show us. In the moment we see it, it would already outgrow itself. So, we can at best ever only see outlines - in as far as those remain ... what they are. And they sure would, in some instances, such as Truth being what it is. Memory. The Peace of existence ... the quint-essential awareness of self, the harmony of the spirit ... the "Own Self-Reliance of the Universe" ... well. Just ... throwing stuff at the wall, seeing what might stick.
The perpetuity of self ... of consciousness ... the sense and the meaning of the many in the one and the one in the many ... as things shift ... and change ... but all woven together in a great web of causes and effects. Things that are and serve a function ... things that have needs ... all units ... quasi connected in interdependency.

So, this world for instance ... as for what it was and is ... it has a place, somewhere. And in how we're in here, there's an out there, I suppose. And in as far as that's an "in here" to those that are there ... it is ... something. Who knows? Reality. Footprints of creation. Presence of God. But where then is HE? There ... then ... we look for a place in a vastness of places. And yet all of them ... are HIM. Easy enough, You think. A world map inside a world map, of course. But still it is, in truth, starting somewhere and has in fact a final footprint.

What God is "down here" is always 'down here' ... where what He is 'up there' ... is always ... up there.


And for what is up there, we would require a symbol 'down here' ... maybe.
But so ... if this is what that is, then there is still one ... who holds special privileges. And that's that.


And my reading of Deutero-Isaiah kind of goes along with that. Like ... there's a strong synergy between the two. Whether I'm that Israel that Deutero-Isaiah talks about or not ... that would ... add to it, sure ... and for what's missing ... well ... we'll have to see.


Anyway. I have other things to attend to right now, I suppose.


Am I missing something? DO I need to repeat anything? Provide additional Clarity or Insight?
Maybe it's just me. Feeling like I didn't move at all ... but then, looking back ... there certainly are signs of activity and action. 'Intent' as it were. A throughline of motivation and ... consistency.
Weird ... to see the stages of my past ... broken apart and thrown into this turmoil ... it wasn't like that ... not too long ago.

Hmm ... Paper Dragons ... . I wonder ...