Random Bullshit Go!!!

So, I had final exams today. Sortof. I wasn't there.

And I don't really know why. I mean ... in all honesty, I had no reason not to be there and I was already on my way ... . I've been determined to attend, because ... well, why not? And I'm not sure if I've been getting this right. But I had enough reason to second guess it. And despite the answer from that I got ready when it was time and went out. The subway was just at the station prior to my exit - when I ... "decided" not to go. And ... after that ... I didn't know why. I still don't really get it.

"This has nothing to do with Justice and Righteousness" ... I thought ... a couple of times ... to ... reason out ... what and why. The only conclusion I could come up with is that it's some random Bullshit that I don't understand ... as something I wouldn't seriously entertain.
Some random Bullshit that has nothing to do with anything that ... should matter to anyone.
Like, possibly, something symbolical that people would give me shit over ... for some reason.

And quite honestly, I'm pissed off about it.


Fetching the Ball ... perhaps?

But somehow I feel like I can't make enough of a stink to like ... negate the value of that decision ... and I don't see it. The way I see it ... I kindof just cheated on myself ... for absolutely no reason. I can't pin it on God either, because that's not how this works. And as for putting all my eggs into ONE basket ... I ... I don't understand why that even matters at this point.

But whatever. This just perfectly encapsulates the story of my life. I self-sabotage, then go whine about it ... but that's also just half the story; And no matter how one flips and turns it - it would be the part that sticks.

So, I don't even have an answer. None that makes any sense. And maybe that was the problem. Well, so - I might very well have misjudged the situation and done the wrong thing; Of course ... like ... I'd say that this testimony stuff is complicated - but then, this was the kind of thing where I'd need it, so ... I did the right thing but I don't know ... why.

I mean - I suppose it's philosophically consistent. "Who loses their life for my sake will gain it". Like, however one may have tied a nose from me being in this situation in the first place, this is the undoing of it. There was no worldly gain from being in that situation ... and for as long as I abandon whatever "worldly gains" I would have from that ... that's my final stance on these matters.

Who knows? It's silly. I don't get it. It's Bullshit. I hate it.


I would assume that someone could explain this to me ... but I doubt it makes any sense. I'm pretty much convinced that it's ... just that. Something that would make me upset because it ... defies all logic and reason for some ... random silly pet peeve nonsense bullshit.
And why am I like this?
Why am I complaining?
Because it makes no sense!
And yea, it ... goes against my grain.

But whatever. Some random unforeseen consequence ... averted ... I suppose. Maybe it's psychological. And beyond that, thinking about it just makes me more angry.

I mean ... apart from it being psychological ... I think I've done all the things more than just once already. So, to prove a point? Hmm ... I guess. I mean, it wasn't particularly difficult and in a way ... the only REAL thing I should focus on is that there's probably some good coming from it. Like, it's a free and easy win ... like ... not only free but handed to me on a silver platter. I just don't understand it. My issue isn't with doing it, although ... it is kind of insidious, given how it doesn't make sense. My issue is in hindsight ... . Sure, I feel good about it. Or, just good ... not about IT. Not sure how to feel about IT, one way or another ... like.

It can't be THAT important. ... SMH. But ... maybe it's just God doing me a favor.


Yea, I suppose that my own pessimism is really causing me like ... physical pain these days.
Maybe we're just getting warmed up.

Who knows? I don't understand ...


I mean, I'm not sure if my symptoms qualify as a valid excuse. I don't have a doctor per se, nor an actual diagnosis ... and sitting somewhere for hours while stressing over words is certainly something I can do. So, legally I HAD to be there. No excuses. Saying "low stress tolerance" or some such thing, that's me just making shit up at this point. So, ... I don't know.

Then, there is this angle where I'm back at nothing ... I'm projected to lose everything else too ... and maybe there's a statement in all this that I can get behind. But ... I just don't get it. Like, I'm not even convinced that this is going to end anytime soon ... or that anyone cares. However I turn it, what I end up with is that it wouldn't make a difference. SHOULDn't. Couldn't?

Malicious non-compliance?

I don't know ...
And just for how all this sounds ... I would have been there, taking those exams. But yea. The WHOLE thing was a "Fetch the Ball" situation. From the get go I didn't feel ready or capable for vocational training or a proper job. But I overcame and pulled through and ended up with a Nervous Breakdown. So, yay! Maybe a double ... Nervous Brakdown ... with screw and looping. And I still could have taken those exams AND passed. Probably. Like ... not that it is one of the more difficult things to pass, but still. Who the fuck cares?

Oddly enough it feels ... good. I feel ... free. In a way. Not that it ... translates into any more or less freedom. If anything, it translates into more problems ...

But ... well. It ... had to be done ... I guess. Don't ask me why.