a Serious problem

So ... in all that ... stuff going on in my head, occasionally there's something I can write about; Although I look at my ability to actually do so and ... it's sad.

Personally, I'm entering a Grandma phase. I'm like an old hag at this point ... and it's weird that for the most of my life, my peers were in their late teens and early twenties. It's like ... people my age are still the adults in the room ... and that's weird. I guess.
And yea, I am like a child ... but ... that's just a part of it.

Like so ... me being who I am, I kind of feel like I'm owed things. You know. So, that guy, Henry, he had this Netbook (Acer Aspire One) and I was like "dang" wouldn't it be nice to have such a thing? And then there's just a sense of entitlement and privilege that I read as envy or jealousy which might motivate someone to steal it or have some other obsessions of that kind. It was weird dealing with those feelings - tried to shake them and eventually life threw enough money my way so I could buy my own. It's ... it has served me well over the years.

There sure is that urge to cut in line ... it's kind of similar. Which is, yea, something one has to contend with and say: No, that's rude!

And so, yea, at the end of the day that makes me a goodie two shoes that is disadvantaged by the world because of people like this and that ... and ontop of all that it's such a goshdang struggle to get weed ... it's assinine. The whole thing. And nobody is asking me ... so ... the whole "thing" is kind of just an abstract I exist in.

And yet I'm supposed to take responsibility somehow. How?

And so there's a disconnect. Like, how I would act versus how I could act versus ... what am I even thinking about? I then settle on a "version" of myself based on what reality I choose to "believe in". Hmm.


So ... I see in the mirror ... of fantasms ... that I myself am "casually cool". I get to be the Green Ranger because I'm just that awesome. But then, I'm not "professionally cool". So, that's where the jealousy and the envy comes in. So, they then go and try to one up me - every time - or more to the point: Their cool is a game - and I don't have enough (good?) cards to compete with that deck.

And from looking at Magic the Gathering and mapping it onto the real world I learn that ... from how I know the game, it's not a good idea to mess with unknown Decks if You're not prepared for it.
I mean, You think You got game with Your elfs and what not ... but then drops the Eldrazi or the Phyrexian and ... the common stuff just doesn't work against that.


And on and off I start to feel like I'm the bad guy. That I'm too hostile - and yea, I then make a point to maintain it. I mean, what about the whole Soul thing? I mean, OK, let's move that aside - still I wasn't welcomed with open arms. I mean, sure ... hospitality is one thing, but for me? I mean, sure ... I still had a lot to figure out, so, that's that. But when I'm there to talk about Eden and what I get is an "Everyone can do this" ... and that's it; Well ... I suppose that's this shift in perception we're talking about.
I was on my own quest of discovery and there to show off something I found. They were probably a few steps ahead of me - so, they pre-empted the conversation moving on from it to leave me with ... whatever I'd be left with. So, those individuals I'm thinking about wanted to get rid of me. Either way, we weren't on the same frequency and THAT ... is one of the CORE ISSUES that I'm personally and deeply upset about. Why does it have to be this way?

I'm confronted as if I have no right to speak this way ... and surely ... I would agree. I did not speak this way back then. I speak this way because I don't understand the behavior that I'm met with, and life has moved on further consolidating my beliefs. In that world the contest is over, there are no more questions - only the ignorance that's barring us from moving further.

Virtually there's like a circle I'm supposed to step into. So, if I do this and do that, check this box and that box, and act like so and so and what not ... You get the idea ... I'm virtually "in the right" to speak this way because then I'm given the privilege of being called Prophet. THEN I get all what I'm owed? Not BY THE POINT that it is clear that I am the prophet, regardless of whether I stepped into the circle or not? I mean ... is that ... . It seems like ... truth.

And so, I am fully capable - and by the way: responsible - for figuring out what's true or not myself. I mean, I get that "he" is sensitive to this matter - because he wants to be the one calling the shots and so 'truth' is more like a concept to him that's malleable and ... needs to be put into the right shape before it can be allowed to bear fruit.

So it's always like "what do You know about it?" - while deep down he's too ashamed to admit that all of what he does might suck, actually. So, he wouldn't let anyone have a look at it.

And I wondered how long it would take for him to cuddle up into my newest shape.

Or is that a reflection of myself? Well, I sure did spend the last few ... hours ... day+ ... feeling all sorry about myself, so ... is that what I'm looking at now?


Nah, I mean, there always was something ... . Trying to be small and cute ... . There's nothing that shouts "I'm punching up" but also "please don't hurt me" more than being small and cute.

So, what am I looking at?

I mean ... am I not here, on my own, fending for myself, trying to survive? Hmm, OK, that last part is ... it's complicated. But am I not? Say ... "supposed to", lest I want to die? I mean, for however much that detail is worth.
So, obviously God has to show me where to Go, but ... would He have to lead me into that circle? It's ... I mean, in this situation it sounds like I don't know shit and now have to let God lead me into that circle ... but God also has His own perspective and knowledge of things; And we go way back ... so ... I'm already doing it to the best of my ability. If that to You means that He does not exist, well ... that sounds like a You problem. And how is that even the issue here? Aren't they supposed to know?

So yea, at that point it's just down to playing with "the Rules". Like, what does God do, what does He not? And it would seem that in the end it's simple. "Physics" are the rules. Sort of. I don't really know. But Physics is definitely a thing.

And that's where we get to the next Layer of stupid. I mean, for once, what else? But so, that's - as I was saying - like, You're asking for it. You don't believe that it will be coming but I for once would think that there is no basis for such a belief. And if God finally choses to change the script, which will inevitably happen at some point - I don't know. But these ... aren't the type of conversations I'm having. They happen in my head and so for all I can tell ... this is what it is.

So, if You then want to "teach me" about "Telepathy", "Telepathically" - I have to say: Sorry, but none of this makes sense!


Like OK. Either I'm seeing it or I'm seeing double or tripple ... and so, yea ... good luck figuring out "Telepathy" this way. On what basis even? This isn't Telepathy but it sure tells me a story other than the other ones I'm told.

Or in other words: The amount of sense You'd have to convey to me to explain why we're doing it ... it's too complicated and I don't even know the first thing. I'm sure that "if I knew" things would make sense.
And I don't want to default to being right here, but trust me when I say that I don't get it!

I don't even what 'it' is. There's just something ... . I don't know. Things are a little different now ... . Hmm ... I wonder what that's all about.


But still - and at this point I don't want to hear it.
I mean, there's this thing with Crystals. There's a reason why I refused to work on it - and then there are reasons why I DO work on it. Or did. The reason why I got it to where it is is due to the latter; And now we're basically back at square one or so ... like, I have no good reason to DO work on it and only bad and scary visions of what might happen when I do anyway.

And I don't like being in this position where I'm being asked to do this or that ... which would always be things that I really don't want to do. Maybe that's me being stupid while people looking at it from the outside go crazy because I don't notice this or that, but that's ... the thing. How I then feel like back in some colloseum, fending for myself because nobody is talking to me the fuck ever ... about anything even just remotely ... connected to this whole thing.

I mean, I feel that the amount of chit-chat about me is significantly beyond my ability to comprehend. Like, like a whole ecosystem of smartasses ... but would You think that I have never heard a word of it?
OK, with 'singular' words ... it's hard to tell. I mean, maybe the veil slipped open once or twice, but how would I know that? Or what would I do?

Do I want to know?


So ... what can I say ... but ... "take me to Your leader!"?

Maybe ... that I'm not sure I got it anymore. More like ... "take me to the Hospital and bring me a Burger and some Coke (drink)".


Or whatever. I'm having cravings for rice lately ... . Not sure how to make it. I'm currently on Pasta and Soup.


Hmm. Yea. I mean ... meat. I don't know. It's ... it's making me sick, I think. But I was stuck with it because everything else ... it also made me sick. Emotionally. But more and more I felt like ... I'm having too much of it. I ... always feel guilty as well. Like, it's ... perverse or perverted ... that what we have there ... culturally.
I mean ... to me there's nothing wrong with eating meat - no matter how many big eyed baby cows and sheep You'll show me. And yes, my Main Plushy is a Bull ... and that won't make me detest eating Beef either.

Favorite dishes: Chicken Adobo, Fried Duck Sweet-Sour, Jaegerplatte (Pudding/Blutwurst), Schweinebauch mit Knoedel, and past that ... whatever meat-bearing "all in one" packages You can get. A.k.a. "Burgers" ... or ... LCBs.

Like, if it doesn't have meat, I get depressed.
But I feel like there's a limit. And that limit ... I mean, we're not just eating Burgers. We're sustaining an economy that produces a surplus of everything just so that we can always have everything at our disposal. So, it's a statistics economy, sortof, where there's so and so much meat per person per square mile or so ... to create a possibility that any craving You might have can be satisfied. Where, if we all only got what we needed, we couldn't act on such impulses at all ... but we'd also only have what we really need.

Like, for a Burger to be affordable and as thick as possible, meat needs to be cheap ... so it needs to be abundant ... and so on. Where, if we could say that it is "this day of the week/month/year" ... we don't need all of that math nonsense to get a burger via creating a stiatistical environment in which the odds of randomly finding a burger meets the desired criteria.

So, when I say that I want Burger I do in fact want to indulge in something people might find sinful ... and to my surprise a good soup can meet the same demand. The issue however is ... what goes into it.
I mean, this system is smart in a way ... where it adapts to what we want. We can live our lives - have what we may - and here, yea. Well, I'm poor and uneducated in the utilities of the kitchen. So ... I sure feel like a savage, only going for the easy meals ... . And it's expensive. And it's messy.
I mean, when I look at things around me ... and the order that I can maintain, fast food is usually what tips the scale. It's that little bit too much.

But I don't have the time or the nerve for much else. It sure is a skill issue. I mean, after understanding how pasta works, I could apply that same logic to soup ... and now I kind of feel comfortable making it. By which I mean: Boil water, pour bag in, stir and wait for enough of the water to have evaporated to leave a bloody edible substance.

I mean, it says three minutes or whatever - and by the time I'd look at it and assume that that's how it's supposed to look. It was an accident and out of desperation that I tried noodles again and left it on the stove for too long.


So, it's difficult to call the shots without the data. Else I'm assuming that my Clairvoyance is right, the burds are singing it too ... so ... we have Space Communism now. It's just a mind-thing.

So ... if You have anything to say in this world ... please show up at my doorsteps. And however large the crowd becomes, You'll have to figure out who gets to ... well. I mean, eventually I should take notice of Your presence and ... . Uhm. Is this weird. It never worked before.
I mean, You have to give me SOMETHING ... lest I'm just supposed to ... I don't know ... "figure something out".


But there's more. It's insolence. Of Yours. If God gives me an ego ... and I cannot exist in it ... that's a problem of some kind. So, You pay me the proper respects first ... then we can talk.