On the other side of the veil

Or ... something. Yea, that ... little trick is on my mind. Again. I mean, I suppose the story was that there was just a thought. Something about a trick - and nobody knew what exactly it was and how it would end. If there is a trick, well, we should see it in what followed.

As it stands I'm still rushing into a wall, or am already there. Like, as it stands, I cannot pay my rent. I mean, I should. There's systems in place and all that, but that means that I have to get my ass up - and as for the where and when ... that's a whole other mess right now. So, ...


The question then becomes, I almost forgot, why I am so stupid. I mean ... I see myself in some kind of mirror; And all is well and awesome and ... yet I can't live up to the hype. The hype is real, but then I give up before it even began. And You make it my fault. You blame me. And yet, what is even asked of me? To not be "that stupid"? Stupid how? Stupid why? Where?
What is the issue?

Well, why do I walk into traps, rather than avoiding them? At some point I have got some kind of joint bent, I would say, and since then I'm ... I'm seeing things wrong. I have problems ... internalizing certain events because there is no context to tie them to. I noticed that I'm losing Object Permanence, and see that this is also somewhat connected.

Like, when I barely manage to get a thing done and You act as if I was just casually doing it - sure thing, You would think I should do more and ... at that's where I get enraged about You. That's where I'm at when I'm saying that You don't want me to "Pull Through" because at the end of THAT day I'd be through with You.

Like why not? You're my enemy. My punisher. Sitting in the Audience, cheering on the persecutors. The potential is there they say, so, there's no other way out it seems.


The question then becomes if it's even possible; And I have to wonder why we're playing these games. I mean, that's what it is. What could I possibly have to accomplish ... "there"?

What is there to be proven? To be 'realized'? All I see is that I'm thrown into a Lion's Den ... and how am I supposed to feel fine about that? Is it going to be fine? Sure, ... so that isn't the kind of welcome You'd extend to just anybody, right? Right?
And I should feel grateful for the opportunity that I could prove myself?

How? I'm with God, why would that be an issue?
But also, why would we want to play those silly games?


Maybe that's why I'm so stupid. I mean, so - at the long end of the road I kind of ... pulled through ... I assume - and now what? "Oh, see!"? And now more? Like I'm some circus attraction?

But so, in all seriousness ... how is the Athena Doctrine coming along?


If there's nothing there, well ... I have to cocoon up and ... I don't know.