Guilty Conscience

Well, in germany we have a lot of phrases for "the end of the line" - just so we can string 'em all up to say just how "end" it all is.

I mean - as for myself I'm looking at two packets of soup and 15 bucks. I have no toilet paper, no coffee and I'm running out of weed AND tobacco. So, in terms of priorities ... I can't satisfy all of my requirements.


But ... OK. What was on my mind again?
I feel really low energy right now ...


But ah, ya, something seems to have changed. Yesterday (?) I got up and something was different. And is that what I'm seeing ... some kind of light at the end of some kind of tunnel?
I can't tell.

But uhm ... I don't know.
I'm tired. I think I had a topic but I ... I can't find it in me to really do it.
I just ... I mean, with what little I've left there isn't much I can hope to do here. And from here on out my mind has to be somewhere else anyway. I think. I mean ... all of that stuff ... that I did or "happened" after the last Crystals release ... it was pretty much pointless.
I bought some weed because I meant to press on, as that's what I thought I should or could do. I mean, however capable or incapable I was, how my mind was set and all ... there wasn't much room for alternatives or halfbaked commitments. So, it's just "one thing" and that's it. But none of that weed ended up ... useful. By which I mean that at first ... . I mean, at some points I get to look at how much I smoked versus what I've done with the time and sometimes I'm like ... "well, now I'm really just smoking weed and nothing else".
So, a part of me thinks that had I not gotten that weed, I might have pulled through and be done with my training now. I maybe wouldn't have a job, I also really wouldn't want to have one ... so, it may be part of why the whole thing came down on me. No ... long term perspective to boot.

But that's also with work just in general.

I mean ... I've got it all spinning around in my head, to say, of course I think about it and try to do my best; And when considering, sometimes it seems feasible to get it all into one box. At least I have to realize that I lack reasonable arguments (well, to be fair, we're always like: Well, it's bogus, but "let's assume" - so, there's all the arguments we have to put aside first) beyond a certain point - and it ... sometimes comes naturally. Like when I watch Blacklists and I see these scenarios they present and I get to think of the people who'd be caught up in circles such as this or that ... it's easier to envision these "limited horizons" - these ... "Orwellian IdPol Bubbles" or whatever. And what are the odds that if I put all the worse of it into a pot ... it resembles something that's actually real?

And yea, I ... suppose I didn't want to be reminded of it.


But at some point I'm also loosing track. Like, certain things only make sense in a specific environment. I'd have to put work into ... well, starting with trying to make sense of what I'm looking at.

And that's ... I think it's bad practice. It's one of those things You'd do as a noob or if You have no other choice. I mean, it's like in Terraria, mining for Copper or anything but Platinum. I suppose in the earlier versions there weren't a lot of options. But part of daring to skip it comes down to even just that, the knowledge of whether there even is something beyond the copper. Or what it can do for you.

And at the end of the day it's quite simple. Even if the work I would do weren't particularly taxing, it's easier and more important to say that work is work and one shouldn't take it too lightly. If I'm not on the job, with my mind, 100%, there are so and so many people in their right minds who would have me rather not be there.
If it's an on or off thing that'd be one thing, but so - what are the odds that for me it could be something that rarely ever happens?
I mean, with me it's almost the norm. And if there's an important appointment ... the odds that I can't meet the needs increase. Because ... if I could, that'd end up on my resume. Like ... "can totally do it". While I would be too stubborn to admit or even realize - or to bring it up - that this may be an oversimplification of the facts.

So, the bottom line is this: My heart wanting to be free means that this freedom will desire actions - and the time I have for those actions is in this case imposed by a society that shares no appreciation for the worth of those desires or actions. It might very well like the outcome, but the fundamental truths that lead to that outcome are stranger to it. And so I'm adrift, halfway between an agreement or understanding with the world around me - and being its almost literally worse enemy.


But I feel that my ambitions to be its enemy are pushed to the sidelines of what that really looks like. So ... "good day to You good sir! and sirses and all ...".

So, chaos. It is important to understand, then, that having like 2 hours in the afternoon and then 3 before bedtime is like ... "the extent I'm afforded" ... and when You tell me that I have to make concessions because we all do, because that's Your way of fixing the hole in the roof that I'm currently creating ... then You're telling me that I'm not free.

I mean, spin it how You want. Whenever I HAVE to do more, because my freedom demands it, and I CANNOT or COULD not, then ... what do You call it? You call it life, but You then yet again didn't listen to what I just said.
Well, "it has to" ... is kind of then the attitude that I ... in general am met with.

And ... fair. Somewhere in all that there are hierarchies that lead to places where the decisions are made. Fine and all. But ... starting with how intransparent it all is; And how we have to run into "this is untennable" kind of situations, to then go fix it - usually not without resistence - as the baseline for how this "Democracy" actually operates ... it's a pipedream. I mean, we get to topics like Trans rights, Climate Change, Population Growth and all the stuff ... how are the things that we 'know' are true not "allowed in"?
How is it that when the Green party was in Government everyone was crying like the world was gonna end, but now ... that they're gearing up for war and it's all so pointless anyway and who asks for it but ... nah, here they be silent.

So, without a Chief to finally say where I'm at ... I'm just nowhere, really.


And yea. So, from a personal perspective this extra "time off" was totally necessary.

To really know where I'm at I right now have to stick to my guns and see where that leaves me. That's one way of looking at it. I mean, whether "the world ends" or not ... well. I mean, I wouldn't survive very long. Just on paper. My stats are really not meeting any recommendations.
I'm a town NPC that You might unlock. That's how that goes.


As for town NPCs ... I was watching some YouTube the other day and there's been a little back and forth going on between TJ Kirk and some dude by the moniker DarkMatter2525 or something. And oh dear ... that's like ... the debate that's been going on for the last 3000 years or so.

And yea, I'm with TJ on this one. Not entirely or wholesomely, but to be fair and precise ... the thing is, I enjoy both. Except, DarkMatter is weak. To me. I mean, if I were to flex my internal superiority complexes, 'weak' is one of the first things that comes to mind. TJ on the other hand is a Juggernaut. And how this ... whatever it is ... I'm looking at ... Soulpower let's say ... translates into accuracy or truth - to the point it like ... outscales "intelligencia" ... I suppose one reasonable bottom line is to see that Soulpower is itself a truth or essence to a thing ... one that intelligencia then can only comprehend. Like, at best. Like, that's one thing. And then one would have to proceed unto using it - as for the smart resolution here. The 'intelligent' and 'reasonable' end point to this conversation then.

Like ... between You and I, this whole "social thing" where we connect in a multiplicity of ways ... it requires some ... "something mutualistic" ... where the 'truth' of something like "thou shalt not kill" is as simple as "I really wouldn't like it if You killed my friend". Or, when insult is added upon injury ... well. I mean, my keen senses would tell me that an expert on the matter would say, that this is also where the logical musing of rules and their ethics ends. It's where the strong men get up ... because this is a question of dominance. A question of who gets to impose their mannerisms on the other.

For, where there are no men to get up - well, who's there to stop the insults from getting worse?


And that's also kind of where we are with this world.

And DarkMatter is weak. But I think his heart and mind is in the right place. And I don't know how weakness manifests, but one symptom could be a matter of concessions one is willing to make. It's like ... the place where one stands themselves as "this is the reasonable ground" ... from which they then lay out their thinking.
And ... DarkMatters thinking on the matter is very archaic and very ... dependent on the "apparatus" and its ability to produce the desired outcome. I mean, there are a few things that his logic hinges on - and TJ just ignores it. Well, that's because this apparatus that is being constructed, at the end of the day, is the very same that has been around for centuries - and to finally be the ones to fix it ... in times like these, when the trying to "fix it" is kind of what dirves its insanity ... I wouldn't get my hopes up. Especially because ... the next issue is scarcity and triage ... so, at some point "crowd control" is like ... a thing where people are treated by numbers because 'this' society hasn't figured out another way of managing itself.

It's a castle in the sky, a "happy place" where violence is the ultimate key to getting rid of all that is uncomfortable.
There is fear. And then, statistics take the place of Love. The person is no longer a person, but part of a category that then is awarded a mode of treatment as per the decrees of the system.


You can compound this fear - well - through words such as "degeneracy". How the relentless lack of order is a cancer to society. And yea, sure thing! That is ... in fact ... the case. When You break something, it don't work no more. That's how that goes.
If You bent on breaking something, You might eventually succeed.
God looks at a bowl filled with His enemies and muses over their torment. How is that different from someone else doing the same thing? Let's say that both ... acted on it ... in that picture. Because that's how the guy will justify himself.


But what then is this Order? I mean, is there some kind of "Nazi Soulower"? It seems that way. Whatever this "based" is that they speak of? It's weird ... .

But is that it? Some sense of social togetherness? Well, what about me? How can I have soulpower, when there is no social nor togetherness that I'm privvy of? Nothing but ... vile behavior and treachery and ... possibly mind-numbing stupidity.

Soulpower - at this point - may be more like an accomplishment. You really have to, as the text would indicate, stop making concessions. I mean, as the echo from the eternal void puts it: Don't sympathize with the enemy.


I mean, from what I understand - here's what happened (maybe) from their perspective: They sit in theit throne room enjoying lavishly while I'm standing there, motionless, supposed to take their shit. At some point I move because I'm not taking it anymore ... and then it begins. I did the thing I wasn't supposed to do and thus the dominos would start to fall. They're all giggidy because they know it's coming, they put on their sunglasses and get out the popcorn.
Sure, that's what I was saying. They won't ... do a damn thing. And while You're there all buddy buddy with them ... I ... don't know what to say to You but that You suck.

So, You do the math. I keep coming to the same bottom line.
Like, sure. Forgiving them is like putting burning coals on their heads, but at some point that has to come to some kind of limit - don't it?
I mean, if it's like an oven I suppose there's only so much that it can take.


Anyway. There's something that's always mystified me about these stories. Like ... there's an essence of the tale. But in real life ... things barely ever go smooth like that. And the true weight of a situation, it always hinges on little details that might shift the perception of it one way or another. And in a lot of the modern tales, the story goes that things happen beyond our notice. I would say that ... Robocop was one of those stories ... except it wasn't the good guys that won in the end.
Then ... that Super Mario bros. movie ... is another iteration of that same tale. We get a silly little feel good ending ... but the story told is ... there's no way Raphael would have made it out of THERE in one piece.

And so often when I open Netflix or YouTube to just watch something ... it all kind of disgusts me. I feel like I'm sifting through feces in search of some little nugget that doesn't look like it.
Did anyone ever take their excuses for answers seriously? I don't think so. But I think we've come to a point in time where ... enough concessions have been made for there to only be ... that kind of stuff. "Nazi Soulpower" if You will. Condensed Patriarchic Ignorance.

And there's a lot of reasons and logic and I'm sure more than enough to make all of our heads spin ten times over ... but it's all pointless. I mean, we can at some point appreciate that there is a ... where was I?


Soulpower is about balance. Primal Balance. And it's not the manifestation of balance in particular, but a primal understanding of how forces - or these Primal Aspects - interact with each other. So, if that's where the mind is at it will attain some kind of "primal equilibrium" we might say which then looks mystifying at times but usually wins out in the end. Like "magic". But no, it's just the way of things ... .
So, what it means to make concessions or "sympathizing with the enemy" ... it's in simplest terms a corruption that takes place and distorts the equilibrium. This only happens at certain 'points' ... to say that there is a tolerance of course; So, you play with what You got; And if something challenges the equilibrium, You know something's fishy.

So, this is then layers and layers deep within, where ... what comes from it is usually enough to then justify its existence. I mean, it is at the end of the day the very primal thing ... so, it's ... that's just how it works bro!

But alas ... am I a good champion of the matter; And if not, who is?


I mean, in my mind I have done my part. I don't know what it is that You could legitimately expect of me at this point. That's just ... that. I see that You might have issues, questions and concerns here and there that might tackle You into thinking that it is my responsibility to tell You more about it, but I would then much appreciate to discuss such matters in person.
Why? Well, why the hell not?
I mean. Whatever the heck happened yesterday ... I mean, the thing I complained about just before that ... it's gone and I'm ... wow. That's ... whatever that was ... it's ... I'm feeling reliefed.

Like, if I let into "that" - then I also have to do this and that and so on and so forth ... and to that quite frankly ... I don't have a finger large enough to give it to You.
Such that I would have to request it from the Most High Himself.

And so it's odd how much of me getting my shit together takes me to the shit of others. It's almost ... too easy.


Or does it? I mean ... what I do with my time is one thing, what You think I can do with it is another. And if I just do as I would, assuming that my Man is putting up those railings, I have my whole day decked out with no room for chores - and that's how it looks. So, maybe that means that at times I just 'live' - but I mean, I would see it as part of the world of my responsibilities that I see to it that people can do just that. 'Live'. So, if You don't want it ... that's for how I see it a You problem. And it's somewhere between sad to see and goshdarn shocking just how much resistence there seems to be for that. While, sure, at the same time it's all rationalized down to some eventual fortune one might attain. Just not ... "that kind". It would seem. I don't know. I don't know how to verbalize it. But that's like ... a social struggle all accross the world I would think, that takes many different shapes and stuff.

Like ... if the Antichrist thinks he has a point when he says that in the end he'll just repent and ask for forgiveness and yada yada so forth ... in the effect that we can see that, yes, maybe - then ... why shouldn't I take a gander and say ... do a little some few transgressions on my own? I mean, I don't understand what it is ... the power I'm wielding or why I think I should be taken seriously ... when I say these kinds of things ... in any way shape or form.
I mean, it just happens to be in my thinking. That maybe I'm insane. But there's a few things in my belief system that are like ... I don't know. Beams of Light? Just there doing a thing and it's like ... well. I mean, if I'm crazy then ... that's what it is. At that point ... this is my own miserable spot in the apocalypse and so far it's certainly not been the worse.

But so what I see is a world that cries for consequences. And what can I preach, but the deliverance of them? I mean, it sounds worse when we get to the details.


But isn't that what we pray for? Salvation from Evil? But so ... about drinking alcohol for instance. Is it righteous to prohibit it ... thus protecting the secret use of it? I mean, we all agree that a little bit is okay every once in a while, do we not? So, we then get to imply tolerances that technically cannot exist because rule of law and so on and so forth, thus finally creating a class of privilege that is either Government sponsored or highly illegal.
So, in that situation, are we then 'saved from evil'?

I mean, that's a pacifism one would think I should preach. That we bend our heads and let the wise people on top decide what's best for us. And they say that that's how it works, rules need to be followed, order so on and so forth, bla dee bla da. Sure, if there's clear chain of command and everyone follows orders ... the whole can act as one and concentrate a lot more effort onto certain things. But when there's communication and cooperation - instead of authoritarian regime - that can be multiplied because there isn't only the select few that can participate in the evolutionary progress that comes along with the advancements that are being made.

I mean, we're led to believe that we need "makers" at the helm, doers that are strong ... and such. Like our beloved Chancellor. He wouldn't let 50 billion pass for investments into infrastructure, but now thinks 500 billion are OK for war.
Is that really ... the way forward? Is that what we want and need?
Well, infrastructure sucks ... but who cares? We're going to war anyway, right?
Is this a joke?
Oh, war isn't happening and the infrastructure still sucks. Goshdang, where's the Liberals that are to be blamed now?


This is all so fucking laughable and at times it gets me so fucking mad and angry and if I have to think for a moment about what or why that all is about or for it just takes it over the fucking edge and I pray to God for a fucking hammer to bring down upon them.


Anyway. On other news, I kind of identify as a Fey now. Or maybe I've stepped into a ring of mushrooms, who knows.
And maybe the story is this ... which has been told time and time again. The Fey are considered hostile because they are hostile to those ... 'those' who do not respect the primal harmony.

And I think ... culturally ... Fey alignment is that little bit of macabre that I think I can take from it. For it kind of always has been ... either us or them. A fate ... many know to speak of. And we all wait for a day ... where the shackles will come off.


...