Hmmm ....

So ... I uh ... don't know what to say. Maybe I should go back to Yesterday and ... start with that. I mean, that's what I meant to do, given that ... for some reason "the Nightmare faded". I mean, I was still there slightly disturbed by something, but that something seemed to be ... going away ... and yet this morning (well, it's 23:30 o'clock) it was there again. Somehow. Like ... a bunch of lovecraftian terror mixed into my peaceful sandbox world.


Well ... I don't know because there's a few things.
But I think there's a lot of pointers hinting at the idea that this has to do with how I come accross to You.


And so, there I am just doing stuff, playing Terraria - by myself - feeling kinda cute ...


And to recall ... this nightmare situation, the idea was that I might be over-obsessing. Like ... at this point. I came to a point where I basically halted all ongoing projects, taking pause to contain the corruption - and now I'm like there ... almost like playing a game within the game.


What is different 'now' is that I don't feel like I have anything to do. So, You ... anyone ... reading this is either because You got lost on the internet and somehow ended up here. In that case ... hello and ... wow!

Or ... You're under the impression that ... this is the place to be. In that case ... also ... hello and ... wow!


Like, at the peak of "my psychosis" I'm thinking that we're a lot a lot more than anyone might think since y'all haven't only been doing fine keeping a low profile but the LORD was walking with You. If so, I'm sure it turned out more fine than You could have hoped for. Ish.

And that's another thing. I have to get the idea out of my mind - although maybe I don't have to - that what's happening here is MY DOING. I mean, if I think of being a failure for instance; I disregard that what I'm trying to do isn't really MY THING in the first place. I'm just tagging along. And ... there's a lot more to say about THAT I guess.

But anyway, where was I?


So, what I ended up doing was to start simple. I created a new world, copying the seed from my "sacred place" and making it a Master Mode world. I started a new Character and made them go on a Master journey - but then I went through what currently irked me and realized why I don't really fancy doing that. I did so to ease my conscience, but then there were these items I kept finding ... or not finding ... and I'm like ... "damn, I really could use that shop I was thinking to build".


But then, why? I'd end up ... . So ... I overcame ... took my current Main Character into the Mastermode world, after collecting some items I had floating around to give "her" an upgrade. So, my second loadout stil is what it would be ... my first loadout is for building ... so I'm going with wings ... and my third loadout is probably just going to be Lisa (*) while the Second Loadout would ... be what I'm currently building with Hunter ... and the first ... I don't know. There isn't really a point then, because ... what I'm currently doing with Hunter is also kind of a Hybrid. I mean, while taking some inventory with Hunter a Solar Eclipse occurred ... and ouch those Deadly Spheres hit hard. So I came to play around with the weapons, find a setup that works ... and yea, now I remember why I ... . I mean, Chlorophyte Bullets and any kind of rapid fire is a little bit like cheating.

But then ... I don't know ... it was still kind of tough. Afterward I ... I think I came to continue where I left off with the Character. Taking inventory, playing with Weapons, finding the right fit.

But all in all ... for once I had to learn to not bar myself from accessing my own stuff - and integrate it in my consciousness rather than treating it like a dirty secret.


But still. Oh what, oh why?

I mean, at the end, they're still individual Characters. And having more loadouts is like with building broader roads. They don't ease traffic, they just get used more heavily. Sure, only if there's enough "pressure" - but ...


Then I thought: Hmm ... those worlds I played in ... they're kind of desolate. I mean, if I were to show You around my stuff and Terraria came up ... it wouldn't be looking too great. I mean, while taking inventory I was having one of those "what did it cost You?" moments. Looking at "all the fancy stuff" I got, while the world around is like ... corrupt. A hellscape. But that's where the Monsters are, isn't it?
Lurking there ... in the depths.


So, there's at least two angles here. And ... "For all those who are unfamiliar with Terraria" ... ugh, sigh.

That's a third Layer. But taking it all together ... is a great way to ... take a few things together. As is the theme with all this ... right now ... it would seem.


I mean, to You this might be weird. Like, a part of me is considering a social angle to all this, but there's no social angle - and that's like ... a source of depression. And still, making this new place come togehter - taking all the things from my different worlds ... it is ... uhm ... BREAKDOWN

Let's try this again

So, I'm using this Character to transfer things between my Worlds. A few are "allowed" to access my "Vault" directly, like, I'm not sure how this is going to affect how I play the game, but ... I mean ... to put the humble back into my bragging ... I really don't have too too much of everything. Like ... at some point in either playthrough I'd have to go out of my way to farm Forbidden Fragments for instance. And so, I suppose, I end up with multiple Characters.

Like so ... after I passed on Lisa's Armor to Ashera, something in me was like ... "I'm free!" - saw a butterfly, caught it ... hopped into my spaceship, flew to the location I wanted a base in and built a little place to set spawn in. So ... I have my Expert world, which is like ... my place. Then I have the Master world, which is like ... also my Place but bigger and better.

Lisa currently "chills" in the Expert world ... like, "the Character" is ... pointless?
But also not? I mean ... here's the thing:


I was feeling cute ... but, nobody was gonna know about it. I'm like "well, so is life" ... and "what do I wanna do about it?".
In a "there's nothing I can do" kind of tone. Not in a "let's concoct a devious scheme" kind of way.

Then one thing just led to another, I felt like sharing ... like, I kind of had to - and I was feeling cute again. Like ... "Heeyo" ... like ... seen. And so, ME ... to You ... You inevitably need 'something'. Like with TB and his Top Hat. The legacy lives on. Though I must say ... after rewatching that Terraria stuff with Jesse ... he was a greedy SOB. I mean, he's like complaining about using Wooden playforms for building because it's a "waste of wood", but then he finds a hook and crafts an Anvil there in the cave that's never getting used for anything ... so ... then he doesn't have enough iron for the grappling hook and then he drags Jesse along to go dig for iron because he has to have it. I mean, it's the part I didn't notice back then. I was always curious why he went with a Troll ... for an Avatar.


But so, when it comes to Terraria and me - You don't know or care about my personal issues. So, to me ... it's Terraria. I have Characters and I have Worlds - for a variety of reasons and so ... whatever I'd show is always just going to be fragmentary.
So, it is like ... for Your ease of mind also ... when I pull my shit together. Like ... the way I enjoy Terraria should then also ... show, or reflect ... in what I can show. Spawning into a Graveyard ... I mean, sure. Why not? But how corrupted the world is, for instance ... it weighs differently when looking at it as contained within a singular world or stretched accross multiple.

And ... oh my, it was tough.
To ... "let myself in". I mean ... anyway.


So, it is what it is. I mean, in the idea, this is now the fit - if I had to stick to one. And it's kind of sort of ... make belief and play pretend. In this scene, different Loadouts have a social aspect. Casual, Professional and Enrage. But at the other end of it, switching between Loadouts is in and of itself a way to diversify. So, like ... between Meelee, Ranger and Mage. Not sure how healthy the Terraria PvP scene is tho.

So, there is like ... nothing here. After all.




Which ... is ... basically ... why I wouldn't give much of a damn about these things. But it's not like I DON'T give a shit. It's still ... for me, myself ... my life. A part of it however. Am I doing fine? I mean ... if I may just innocently share/be myself ... that'd be nice.

I mean ... so, I was dropping some ideas previously ... and now in my head these ideas are like ... juggled between people and I feel like ... left out again. I mean, I still feel like "you" would want my approval ... and I'm way too familiar with this whole sequence of events by now ... I ... I at the very least want this whole junk gone from mind. I mean, why is it that I have this ... "Hostel" of Characters in my head that ... are like super involved with my stuff and ... . I mean, I see it as something someone out there ... and "You" (they) are like spitballing my ideas around while I'm like standing "right here" ... does that make sense?
I mean, I wouldn't care but those ideas ... those that they are spitballing ... aren't even good and that's what's been starting to catch my attention. I mean, I could say that these Characters are just my own subconsciousness ... but if it were, the ideas would have to align with my subconscious motivations and such. And if those "Spitballers" were aligned with my interests, I don't know what I'm supposed to approve of. You know ... I ... . I mean, I would think that approval is something I'd have to explicitly give. But alas, the world doesn't protect us from scammers. That's just how it goes. But ... goshdangit!

I mean ... why do I have the ideas and then month go by with people being like "yes and wow" ... while I'm here on my own supposed to like "read it from the aether" that You're stuck somehow. And yea, sure ... but why is it my problem?


I'm here playing Terraria waiting for ... I don't know. I'll know when I know.

To be continued?