How broke I am


Money isn't really a thing for me. But Money really is a thing in this world; And that is why everywhere you go, people want Money! So, every step you take, every breath even, is costing you. It takes you closer to exhausture - closer to death - so I conclude: If you want to live, you'll need Money! So, thats the point. Hence everyone wants money, clear thing.

This means also that "Life" has a lot of offerings, but while we once lived in a free world, nowadays we're living in an occupied world. Everything that someone could think of doing is possibly in some way commercialized. And so it comes that we can in no way enjoy life as our ancestors could! If I wanted to take a walk in the forrest I'd have to either take a lengthy hike or take public transportation. Either way I'm spending more on it than my Gramps - who grew up in a, well - perhaps cliche, hut in some forrest.

The reason Money isn't really a thing for me is because I have learned throughout my life how I can enjoy it otherwise. Part of that is a different story - but the gist of it is that I, having ever since been gifted with creativity and an inventive genious, could live my life out of myself. I could think of one of the numerous parties I've been dragged to (family, Christmas), where finally I only needed a Pen and did paint on the paper used as cover for the tables. You may know these kind of parties or not. Its a social event where you know a handfull, people eat and drink and still everything has a price tag on it. Instead of living my life by spending money on getting drunk to pass the time away - thats a generalization - I just painted on whatever papers I could find.
Similarly 'efficient' as a pen is the Personal Computer. So, after I learned how to realize my creative and inventive urges within digital space I had a lot to do; Because finally my creativity requires my inventive genious to establish what my creative mind wishes to have; And be it an image editor, 3D Model Editor, a Game Engine or whatever - I could do it. The fact that I have more on my mind than just one game is effectively why I still haven't done anything yet; And therefore still as much to do as I had when I began with it. But so, thats an entirely different story there.

Within these things you can behold the pattern that I'm used to occupy myself with things that I buy once and that then last me for some time. Matter of fact is this even rooted within my psyche so much that once I buy "waste materials" such as soap, I'm always kindof surprised once I have to buy new one. It is, menthally, a huge deal to me to wrap my head around the fact that certain things must be bought on a (semi) regular basis. And its still not quite that easy to really embrace it to the point that I can call it a skill. Yea, thats just so. You could picture that by holding it to yourself how your mind/psyche is a "metaplex" that is inherantly dynamic and free on one end, but ultimately tied to solid state stuffs (like knowledge) on the other. Lets say: Like a river floating through a valley.
So you know what habits are. And ultimately that also is a different story that has to be emphasized elsewhere again; But I see them as partly the passive consequence of what we enjoy and partly the passive consequence of what we're doing otherwise. This means that once I dive into "the Matrix" my mind enters a 'mode' wherein I'm 'bound', ultimately, to the fact that I have everything available that I need to get from start to finish. Knowledge that is. No matter how often I'd use mov eax, something - it won't become less. Also: Even if I draw something new each time I draw something; The ink may become less - but the things "I did" become more. Here spending money on new ink is however well on my radar. Naturally. Thus you can now very well relate to my life.
And how money ain't a thing to me.


Talking numbers, I do receive 353,something euros a month. I do not intend to make political statements here; But what I'm wanting to stress is that I don't mean to be an asshole by expressing critique over it being too few. It all depends.
These 350 bucks are already less than the 380something I should get. The reason for that subtraction is that I have to pay a deposit; So in case I break anything in the room I'm renting; ... the owner doesn't need to worry much and such things. Because I however do not have that kind of money there's the deal that it gets withdrawn in part every month from the money I get.
It is social aid money. Practically its getting money for doing nothing, but effectively we're getting enough boots kicking up our asses so its not so. That also is a different topic.

Since I just moved into this room this year, and because I've rented another room before and not broken anything, the deposit of that time is legally mine. So I've had 530 euros "extra"; And that is the reason why I'm not broke.
But that went now a little bit too fast.

I feel that a little bit of revelation in terms of my finances would contribute to an all over better world - uhm - so, nothing is left in the dark, like, how much do you think I spend on cigarettes per month? Some people manage to buy a pack of cigarettes per day on the money I get - which is beyond me. I'm smoking American Spirit. That is 35 grams a pack for 6 euros. And it lasts me one week. So, per average I'm spending 30 euros a month for smoking. Before I smoked American Spirit I tried other tobacco - but there even 40 gram packs did last me 5 days tops. OK, maybe a week - but that would have rather been the exception than the rule. The point is, A.S. is a really good brand! The tobacco is without parfumes and what not - and I get a much greater satisfaction out of it. I guess there are similar brands, cheaper ones, but A.S. is just that one brand I would look for, would I not have found it already. It does what I want of my tobacco - so yea - free Advertisement for them!
So, taking that into the calculation we're down to 320.

Before I'm getting to all the bills or the philosophy of how much to spend on food or other things - I want to mention one thing: Last month; That is basically that month I was looking at where stating that I was broke (The month before I bought my PS4); I actually had 150 Euros more than usual because my mother was kind enough to give me money to get a few things I needed, like pants and shoes. I didn't get any of that; But the big investments that month were still well under that. 80 for something plus 53 for pen and paper stuff. On the other hand did I this month not have the usual 50 bucks extra and I even spent 75 Euros on Weed I didn't get - and I'm still doing fine! That said - the 530 euro deposit has nothing to do with it. Ignoring the PS4 - I only took 40 bucks from it to get through the previous month.


It is one form of money-blindness I would say. Its an accumulation of things - like - I learned just how much I could spend to live just fine; Yet eventually spent a bit too much feeling it'd be allright and then I got some extra cash and so the mistake wasn't a mistake anymore. This would flow into consciousness and make me more mindless about my financial management. On the other end it was however all well nontheless; And I was warned in time to pay some more serious attention. Usually my sense of duty would have made me ignore my mood that day and accept the invitation of my mother to dinner where she might have given me those 50 Euros pocket money for this month. But first up I was really not feeling well and so - I'd present it like a detox I need(ed); Once financially and also in regards to my own wellbeing (I'm a bit burnt out/depressed).
This money blindness is furthermore supported by what it means to "go out there". For once I would say that food-wise one can get along with 2 euros a day. So, whats a coffee? Our vending machines at work take 70 cent. Lunch costs 2,70. That's 3,50 per day - which can be rounded up to 20 bucks a week to be sure and that makes it 80 for the month. 17,50 to be precise - but add just one more coffee a day and we're beyond 20 bucks a week. Because I can barely be arsed to cook - I'm prone to fast food; And additionally I get to spend like 20 euros to get over a weekend and have something left in the fridge when I get home after work. So, up to 160.

Hence, we're left with 160 euros. My telephone bill is way too high right now; I need to be looking for something cheaper - but all in all I'm usually between 40 and 50 bucks with it; And thats downing me to 110. Seems fine! And this number is basically why I usually can't keep it that simple. But that's also the reason why I am basically just fine. But so - what do I want - from my life - other than to just eat? If I want to have supper, regularly, and breakfast; And coffee - you spend 2,00 here, 5,00 there, and what another 10 there or 14 here? On the other end I also wanna have some weed - and if I can be fine with three bags - thats minus 75 so we're on 35 actually.
So actually investing in anything at all is a big deal usually coupled to breaking things further down. That can also become a habit - knowing that I can actually get along with less; Makes me then have less and over time that can be really dissatisfying. Things add up and multiply quite quickly. This calculation however includes Pizza weekends with Chocolate or Yoghurt/Pudding and whatever - while its within the 20 bucks for the weekend - to push my Dopamine Level a bit.


To make a point: The reason I'm broke is because life breaks me - and all I can really do is to waive on this or on that end - practically; Which either way only increases my dissatisfaction because I can't even just get happy with the things I'm doing because of all of those boots up my arse (its a time thing. And that I can't really get a hold on getting my life/household managed just adds up.)
I mean, 5 bucks for some cleaning stuffs seems small at first - but try to weigh that against a delicious burger! My point isn't that I can't get managed - the point is that I 'can' manage quite well actually. There's a lot I can save by rethinking how I spend my money on food; Without being forced to whine about how little or bad it is. I can also save a lot by changing my weed-smoking habit. The thing is though that I'm not a machine - and once in a while I need a bit more weed and other times I need a bit less.
I mean, the point is that if you want to see in here how I'm whining about not getting along with what I have - I kindof don't know what you've been reading so far. Yet another point is that I'm always broke - by the end of a month - and that because I'm getting my value out of it; As it is by it not really being a thing for me. And I'm sure that this social aid money isn't supposed to make me feel fine about just getting it; Its supposed to help me bridge a difficult time - but that is a different topic entirely.


The point is also that I'm continously trying to improve myself, my life - and now with Internet Connection and PS4 things got a little bit more bearable. Naturally that quickly adds another 80 bucks to what I've got to take into account - but so my 'luxury' budget is down to 30; Which is basically better - at least in my situation.
The point is that I'm actually not trying to get work - although I'm wanting myself to try. That is my current condition; Or rather that I have to admit to myself that it can't go that way - while I on the other hand can't really "legally justify" it. Its a serious psychological problem I'm having; And taking that to the psychiatrist is the best bet I got. Actually my Doctor just signed me off for the next week and wrote me a 'something' (recommendation?) to go see one.

Finally the point is that there really isn't one - aside of the things you take from the stuffs you can take yourself as established facts. But maybe the point should be that I am actually not just fine, or as fine as I would claim to be. Quite sure to me is that my current one isn't really a bearable situation. To make it political I just have to say that I see that it doesn't really help make life easier, this social aid money, it just helps to survive a little longer. There are some that benefit from it as intended - but those have a different history or a different social environment. But when it comes to adding solutions to the critique thats really a different topic then.


Naturally "you would" expect me to provide it; Except I take that to you as though you wanted me to do it. Because of that I'm not wanted to do it - but if I so then just won't do it ... things will be done without my genious insights. Go figure!
Thats stressing me too - and because my minds occupation has a close wire to the Video Games industry my frustration might tend to make me ignorant/arrogant/an asshole there sometimes. I hate to see how things go to shits and I'm loosing it over the fact that its just one moronic nonsense after the other that makes life worse and worse "in the name of progress". So, apparently 'progress' is the new Jesus Christ and instead of cruisades we've got DRM and DLC bollocks. Its almost scary just how much sense that just made!
(Sorry, but this is a bit sarcastic. Sarcasm established on "the common sense" of the term 'in the name of God' being usually a disguise for something else entirely - as 'in the name of the Antichrist').
This adds a whole 'meta-level' to my existence which, you would guess, doesn't really make my life any better. And all the "why don't you just"s that swirl around my head are in that regard entirely different 'meta-levels' I really don't have any space for; Not even for a sallary of 20.000.000.000 euros a month! Though I like to quote him, I am not quite like Agent Smith! (Maybe in a metaphorical sense, but then I'm a) not there yet and b) is that again another story)

Something I still have to emphasize is that me being alone and socially awkward does significantly add to my "need for money". It is however money used to 'live' - well yea - to 'indulge' - to "be obese"; To give my soul that Love I nowhere else get. Well - God gives me enough - anyone who would want to blame Him should stop right away. I can dwell in my sexual desires and do get them satisfied without the need for any lifeform but Him - and therein I have solitude. Once I do get consumed in them while I approach those things verbally I get in trouble because writing can be stressful, especially once psychological abysses are consuming my attention within the demand/desire on physical needs. And that is true not only for sexual things. It is however logical that God is in this place substituting social and physical conditions that would make my life a life. That statement however is troubled because on the other end my entire stress relation would need to be entirely re-evaluated would I have things like food and domestic order managed for me. Some other time I wrote about this very topic (from a different angle maybe (time or effort)) that was however more on the "no-go" end of things. So yea, being cynical, nothing is a go for me, apparently. That considered I'd say that the least I could expect is money for bitches - but then there are those that say "Ora et Labora". Ora et Labora is good if you have to withdraw, escape, ... but this "Labora" - what kind of work is that? Gardening? How stressful is that? I'm practically going on an emotional adventure each time I'm writing something - and if you can see this pattern of me being constantly pushed, maybe just by my own self, into boundaries - you can see that which ultimately makes me feel abandoned by everything but God. Instead of supporting me in what I'm doing - I'm supported in what I'm not doing; Which is weird enough. God being so passive in my life allows me to see it. To feel it. To suffer that which is real for me. Suffering that isn't stopped by God - but that being an argument to make me suffer even more is a kind of logic that is a testimony of how twisted this world actually is. Now there's the excuse that I haven't done anything yet (and what about this here?) - and once I've done something there is the excuse "that it works just fine though" - but to what end? Whatever!
Thus it would be all good advise for me to just stop doing what I'm so doing - as in: Nobody actually wants me to be doing any of this - and that I keep on doing it is so then my own fault!

Strange - but yea - normal. Maybe some might think that it doesn't fit; But I would say - if you're old enough to see them, there is 'the Story of O (part 1 should be enough)' and 'Nympho'. It might be awkward to some people to endure those movies - but I can see those movies as two ways to "formulate" one and the same thing. Kinks. If I said "Story of O" and someone else said "Nympho" and claimed that they were both the same thing might be right from one given standpoint - but thats the power of suggestions. (Thanks to Amazon for prime!).
I have to admit that I didn't sit through them. I watched them passively. Actually just while writing this. And now that the movie is over - it seems like a good moment to end this. Sela!

November the 22nd 2015 AD - 3:18 AM
by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger