THE
FOUNDATION OF
EVERYTHING (Raw Version)
THE
REVELATION OF
SEX
1. THE
PRINCIPLES OF MY
LIFETIME
I will now write this considering that all these impressions I got are somewhat accurate to the point, ... my mind keeps spinning around them. Hereto a
quick note: Like Light Waves have a superposition, our minds somehow do to. Yes, focus is one thing; But if I mention things like Microsoft being evil
or Destiny having cheats integrated into its Engine - they have an actually different value as coming from me depending on how 'far from the core'
they are. Its difficult to explain and really - I would't get far or anywhere if I were to try to sort everything out right away. What matters is that
over time, we grow and eventually that to a point from where we can solve problems of the past more easily. I for instance had a chance to look at old
things I wrote about me and my Love-life - and there are things that simply are 'wrong' or don't 'figure in' - but I see that as I had the time to make
more sense out of things. I had an idea that I might be wrong here and there; But no way to really tell. So I just wrote about how I felt about this
and that - and well, wrong ... what ... an example of wrong stuff?
Well, the crudest of all errors might be to have a wrong focus - thinking wrongly of an individual or not seeing the ways of the emotion and ... well,
effectively I can't say that I'm right per se - but there is a right in conditions of my own self. What I get is that I for instance believe that people
can effectively manipulate our individual perception of them. I mean - we all can manipulate other peoples perception of us. If we are self-confident,
that being the easiest thing of them all, people will automatically be happier to deal with us. Its like the attitude crumbles space-time which also
influences others on some emphatic Level. And so can people for instance "Love Everybody" - or "Love Someone" - and I could feel that Love and mistake
it for 'true Love'. And so - once I think about people and Love - I'm not sure. We could also say that I'm just lonely.
And well - I am afraid of reality! I kindof truely am. Ironically. I believe in something - but how sure am I, really? I mean - I was asking myself that
question times and times again - and always got to the same conclusion - so, I'm not expecting that to change 'now'. But can I truely believe that Monica
Friggin Bellucci and I are actually married? I can believe that, I mean, I can't not believe it! - but so there is that question: What if I'm wrong? And
yea - how sure am I, really, about that? Thats however a totally different question! Its a bullshit question on top of that! Its the silliest question to
be bothered about! If I'm wrong then I need some serious help! Thats my point! And no matter how cool it might be if I figured a way to help myself - that
isn't really what I believe in as 'all good'. I mean, why would you wait there like ... I don't know, troubles and not really being all good about it
either ... just to wait until I might eventually figure out what should be more on the impossible end ... and thats where we get into the dilemma - but,
well, that dilemma wouldn't be there if we wouldn't even bother to think about those things nobody really needs to think about!
If I need help I need it - and what can society bring? Whatever! I mean - help!
So, back on square one, there is the insight - or the idea - that Sexual Freedom, polygamy, is technically not evil! So to break against the Church
established paradigms - yea. The next part is that I know or see things about myself. I can make it sound uberly complicated while the fact that I'm
actually Transsexual is older, awareness wise, than my sexual awareness itself. I wanted to be a girl - nuff said.
Now that I'm 30 plus it sounds weird, of course, to say 'girl' - but ... thats a different thing.
So the point 'to me' - when it gets to the basics of it all - that I have certain preferences, 'conditions' - things that are me, that define me, however
you want to put it (and ... ahw, fuck you! - How ... I mean, well - OK ... we'll see) - yea. It might sound so, when I say 'things that are me' or so,
that there are things 'placed' into me that I somehow grow into myself. I cannot stress enough to say that that isn't the case - and if I have one strong
reason to really dig deep and wide on these matters then to show just how deep ... or ... "where" - I'll so try to draw a 'map of consciousness' - one you
don't even have so ... what the F? Maybe you have it - but if you don't have it you must think that I'm delusive maybe. As simple as possible however;
So - there is 'clarity' - and by it I am a Whore. Now - if you think that this is now placed into me and I grow it into myself to then say so - wrong!
What else? Firstly - the 'clarity appearance' we can say is a Light - so, its good, its 'fun', things relating to which you could argue that they are what
motivates me to grow them into me. Wrong again however! Its not only Light - essentially that Light though 'sticks' - it doesn't go away - and if I try
to force it away ... bla bla - "you'll" have explenations for that as well. But - not every explenation gets it right! Else - I mean - I explain 'a Lot'!
Is it therefore all right? Oh ... people can point out flaws therein? Yea, but what makes you believe that I can't return the favour? Uhm - because I
don't? Well - how could i? Oh - by "listening to the void" and reaction to what I believe is going on. So - this one article here is as close to that as
it gets!
And if you want to be sure - you can read my earlier stuff and confirm that what I'm telling you here has already been told before! See my problem?
So - the way Clarity works is that it 'shows me' - being some kind of magnification of the thought that was capable of 'becoming' the Clarity; At which
point 'I' created it and God 'illuminated' it. But thats not where the story ends - thats where the story begins!
What Clarity tells me is that ... practically 100% of the things that I truely enjoyed are tied to it. So, to me the clarity of being a whore is coupled
to emotions - the 'Clarity Appearance' is just a catalysor. Things I can exclude from this 100% are things I did truely enjoy - but they ultimately don't
... although they kind of do - so, OK, not 100% - there are other things; But the 'truth' about there being a difference is that there 'is' one. It may
be because the Clarity Appearance 'exalts' some things to a higher Level - but that is also just the logical consequence of 'the understanding' of what
my mind actually revolves around.
So - why - Clarity was needed? It wasn't needed per se - it was however needed to emphasize it to my consciousness so that I wouldn't ignore it for some
arbitrary reason.
Now - did that get clear?
You can't have the one without the other and if someone keeps bullshitting around about this point PLEAAAAASE - hurt that person, badly!
Well, no - don't - but - I'm so freaking mad I'm boiling - its ... no good! Its like a fly that won't die! "I killed you!" - "Wuh, I don't care! [Bsss]".
What I mean to say is that I so have an idea about myself that also gets carried by 'the Illuminating power'. And if you're getting in and you can speak of
a Light more magnificent than that - well - consider me shocked and flabbergasted. But there is no way I can convey that experience to you because it isn't
an experience we can just create like that. Its 'created by God' - thats the point; It transcends beyond what we can do.
And so I have that believe that I may be what I am - for Life - so, it is my right to be the way I am - but I don't believe that its that arrogant! I mean,
if I had the 'right' - like freedom of belief - I may have it my way, but won't get happy that way. I don't get happy this way; At least so far I didn't;
But that is ... basically your problem!
I believe that there is a reason why God does emphasize me the way I am - and well, I did think about growing on it to grow away from it - but no motivation
of growing away from it gets sustained. Is it just ... bla!? Whom are you talking to? What do you know? If you can't believe that the Unification I'm in is
real the piss off! Get Lost!
So yea - finally it figures! I can't make any of these claims without the respective social backup! But if I have that social backup - bla deee bla! No good
either, because: Bias! Yea well, "lick my ass!".
So - now a brief update regarding 'how crazy I am'. I did this before already and I realize that my contemporary craziness is only as good as it got to that
point. Which means there might be inherant flaws that ultimately have to be like ironed out. Thats what I expect. I don't belive I have to miss out on Monica,
I however do believe that 'in essence' the really relevant things will/should grow from 'real experience'. I do have 'real' experience - and thats what I
write about. But it is - effectively - not perfectly real; You get the point!
So - Moncia is my true Love, there is nothing ... not a thing ... not a damn thing ... wrong about that! But it happens later that there are other 'uber
climactic' forms of Love that make me wanna say 'real love' or 'deep love' or 'actual love' ... its ... complicated. But these don't 'rival' that true
Love per se. But ... we'll see.
Monica however - the relationship to her is "different" - and for my Love for her to 'truely' make sense in the big frame there need to be others beside her.
I settled on drawing a square - four corners, four relationships. And the more super-hot woman that actually drop into this bigger image, the more ... crazy
I feel about myself. I'll so start with Britney Spears and Megan Fox as 'next'. Each attracts me on an emotional basis - while I am not really attracted to
Monica emotionally. I'm just bound to her, or wired to her - its like - oh yea, here's a potential source for error! Once "meditating" about it - thats, as
I have the desire to express an emotion relative to my ... - I however get to the feeling that if I picture us 'fused' - terms like 'like siblings' spawn and
can create the idea that there is more to it - that its a thing like I'm getting at in regards of Megan. Because here emotions ultimately matter - these
things confuse me. Someone who does however not confuse me on these terms is Madonna (Ciccone a.k.a. "the" Madonna; Frozen, American Pie (that was "my time")).
Madonna was the first of those that I "acknowledged" truely - as I still do today. What attracted me to her was a non-decaying state of Light - and just
recently I figured that this Light has something to do with whom I have on that Square (Britney and Madonna ain't) and ultimately make sense when actually
concluding Gillian Andersons presence 'in that "Prism"' (not on the Square). But - to make it all complete: On the square I so far account for: Moncia
Bellucci, Amanda Tapping, Megan Fox and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Heidi Clum has to be somewhere, as have to be Cindy Crawford, Katsuni (Porn Actress) and
Alicia Alighatti (Porn Actress). These 'later additions' however conclude from a List I wrote to 'map' in conference with the Holy Ghost whats going on. So
I've been asking questions: "Is she in my Prism?" - and I have a list of yesses - but I also have a list of things outside of that Prism. I have to however
stress that I believe that what I refer to as relationships in relativity to an individual can also be more general social concepts and environments, like,
a bowling hall - kindof. And reasoning like that is something that legitimizes doubts I have in what I believe; As I might get emotions still a bit mixed
up or am in a state where I need placeholder entities to move forward.
I so even found a "formula" of sorts that may help fighting the problem at its root. The thing is that as I expand into these relationships - not excluding
anyone from the image/idea - things become "perverted" as in certain 'connections' (that is when taking two relationships together) 'adultery' is a main
theme. This ultimately aims at betraying someone, or lives of the perceived betrayal (sin) - thus ultimately 'causing' an emotional thing to occur between
Monica and me that might be considered a 'concerning development'. I however also do get to these points individually - so - it is here 'my "nature"' that
essentially craves for certain things; But if its just some 'illness' - then the problem is a matter of social influences that make an 'actual' development
happen.
But - lets start with Megan because she is ... well, "that One". "Which One?". Well - the idea begins between Monica and me. Here Monica is my Mother - and
as it turned out, well, we can have multiple Mothers because eternal life holds an inherant possibility to live and live again - being born into different
circumstances. Because - why the F not? Thats also going to be the thing with Madonna and Gillian.
Megan however first appeared as my Sister - being 'gifted' to me by Monica - where Monica as my Subject/"Slave" was now also to be dominated by her. That
later turned out to be significant, saying that their presence as female holds the 'thing' that their individual dominance upon me is 'neutralized'. So -
I guess that their female presence is bound to Megan being Monicas mistress on Monicas behalf - who is otherwise the one on top; Or ... well - anyway. That
is just that thing. On another side I was given to Megan - by Monica - though here Megan is male. The way I was given to her is that I am to be her wife
and whore/prostitute. And this really is one of those things that I believe isn't possible without Gods active intent; That this situation makes me feel
myself 'as a wife/bride/spouse' - that is however unvoluntarily in that condition; Yet still experiencing the joys of it. So - in all simplicity its just so
that I have a 'husband' - a 'spouse' - yet the situation adds its own flavour to it. So, I'm not saying that the situation 'is' unvoluntary or undesired -
when looking at the 'basics' of things. So, what you expect from a spouse? You need to Love him/her - you need to feel good from being around that person;
From having Sex with that person - you need to want to be with that person forev...a long time. Forever is a long time! The conscious frame however that
is established in the "Plot"/'Story' does abstract the inherant joys (believe me, it works that way), but doesn't lessen them. Maybe in some way - like,
we can argue whether red or green is the brighter color. Over time this situation gained relevance - and as I had time to forget about my male side I
began to relate to Megan in the situation where she is male; Though not bound to a male body. Whatever - it sortof 'grew' with this 'emotionless attraction'
into some part of my mind I cannot 'unbelieve'. There certain things truely are just like solid objects - they eventually can be destroyed with enough
effort - but they still will always be there in memory - kindof.
Anyway - there also are these things that are just 'beyond real' - I guess that is a fitting description. They are so far beyond real that they don't "emerge"
as conceivable things. There's no emotion or anything - its just there. The way some things however emerge 'to consciousness' needs them to be 'consciously
conceivable'. So - after "the big picture" has grown to a point, I saw an image ... or was I just thinking about Britney or that Rune 1 thing? Anyway ...
however it happened - in the 'symbolic image' Monica holds a leash connected to a collar around my neck - and that leash first leads to Madonna, then to
Britney who ultimately holds me as yet another husband. Here she is the Son of Madonna, and I am first of all given to Madonna who then gifted me to
Britney - and what Madonna has control upon relates to what Monica could give her - and what Monica 'did' give her is 'me' as 'produced' "on my Square" in
relativity to Gillians spectrum.
So things quasi 'link into the emotionless attraction' over time - and so I'm finding myself less and less capable of denieing any of it.
Gillian would be the weakest link in this - as I am for instance, thinking of her now, taken back into questioning the logic of my attraction - to probably
just anyone and so the inherant nature of that attraction. I would say there is a Level that is common to us prior to Unification - which is where a lot of
fakery, intended or not, can happen. If there is a perceivable difference its really really small - or, to be found where it isn't expected - while the
ultimate "difference" is that some things 'fit' into the Grid and others don't.
But so - the way I 'figured' who belongs onto that square; I thought about how I could feel for Monica and realized that I have a very similar feeling -
yet ultimately unique - but we can say its the same kind of thing - for each one of them; Specifically some feeling of eternal desire flowing towards
that individual. At this point I might mention Angelina Jolie or Natalie Portman as two individuals that were ultimately nowhere 'yes'ed in on that List
I mentioned; But still actually attracting me on a Level I thought to be ... safe. Now I realize that I did however have no real experience of entering
a safe zone; Thus having no conscious handles for evaluating safety.
Regarding these two I also perceived some arguably deeply eternal "pitches" of some form - but I believe they have vastly been constituted by catering to
known things about me. Anyway - thinking of Britney for instance I have eternal things too, but - they again are different to the four on the Grid.
I guess it is however safe to say that it is a 'property' of 'real love' that once 'trusting' it, the Vision expands - it ultimately fundamentally fuels
into the bigger image. 'False Love' on the other end is depending on existent figures and resides within them.
But yea, Gillian. When speaking of Monica as my true Love; And then moving onward, there is Gillian. Essentially my Love for Gillian is 'greater' than my
Love for Monica. It is as though my ability to Love was disconnected from Monica and directed unto Gillian, artificially; But the Love itself ... the
relationship - well - for once the 'original' idea didn't change too much. Or at all. In one idea she was my Mother, in the other my Aunt - and mistress
upon Monica being my Mother; Which adds to my attraction towards Gillian because my Love for Monica ultimately comes together in that Kinky way.
But Gillian furthermore basically 'outshines' Monica in everything she means to me - except that which is fundamentally true to true Love.
In this "situation" we (Gillian and I) 'need' Monica to be our scapegoat of some sorts. The idea is that Monica, being my Mother, has a crush on me but
she doesn't like the way Gillian "allows" her to be with me; While I am in a thrall for Gillian that makes me want to grow my Love for her by lessening
Monica. So in the sense we do it before her eyes - where now Gillian "lures" me into her "clutches" while making me expressively Love Gillian instead of
Monica as the "better" Monica. This situation is however inherantly also a lie - of course. This 'infatuation' wouldn't come to be without Monica after
all. But so are the effective feelings for Gillian still there - and it goes on to Say that she 'became' my Mother this way.
Gillain is hereby a polar opposite to Madonna. This non-decaying Light that I was speaking of basically resembles all of my attractions in that Prism -
so - its difficult to explain but the point is that Madonna so is like the Average of all my Relationships - brought to 'Light Point' ... to ... make
that Light. So - because I am attracted into certain things - I'm ultimately attracted to that Light as moths to ... the Light.
Or any particle in space to the next best Gravity Sources.
Gillian on the other end is like the perfection thereof - and while I say that I must note: This perfection 'may (have to) be' artificial, practically
imposed onto her to a certain degree - which is then similar to my perceived situation as Bride of Megan. In essence the circumstances just don't matter
as much as the "core harmony" - though the circumstances then matter in that they provide familiarity and comfort.
And so is Gillian as my 'Bride' only a small fraction of everything that is around me - internally. Respectively, maybe like 1 in 100 lifetimes or less.
But maybe every second or third one - who knows?
Yea - well - if I knew it; Which I don't; I could tell - but since I can't, I can't - leaving this a suggestion; And - as the standing "Challenge Point"
where you have to ... well, trust in God that He can do to many what He can do to one - and more!
So - Gillian so being my 'greatest Love' - Britney is some internal opposite to that. What I get from my situation regarding Britney is that she's fundamentally
connected to my female gender awareness - and this awareness pivoting within a given feeling is like fused into my spiritual body. It feels final and absolute.
But verbalizing the implied sense to how this is any 'opposed ending' to Gillian is actually not that simple at this point.
However - so, did that cover it?
So - Amanda Tapping and Catherine Zeta-Jones do ultimately connect as well. After all, Amanda is however the weakest Link. Perhaps thats why she was introduced
to me specifically. So - the story goes as follows: I was awake for like 48 hours and went to bed; And then this 'spiritual figure' appeared upon me - and it
'submitted me' - so, in the end of it I found myself craving for her 'reign' to persuade me deeper and deeper; And that was before I found anything out round
about Clarity. Way before.
And to my awareness - thats a sidenote - these 'original' attachments would already have been legitimate foundations to expand on. I might even take it so that
they emerged in a specific order that should ultimately also be pursued in real life. A transition from Madonna to Amanda would say that I'm firstly male -
Madonna acts as my Mother, Britney as my Sister; And ultimately I'm getting enslaved to Amanda.
Amanda however is my 'Pet Trainer' - or - basically so from the perspective of how it ties into the relationship with Monica - Monica referring to me as a pet
puts me into her care in order to get trained. Megan fills the spot of playing with that Pet while Monica legitimately owns it and so has a consolidated way
to "claim" me. Catherine on the other end has always been a little bit ... weird to think about. Emotions aside however, I mentioned these Runes. More to the
point are there Runes and Seals. Each 'Level' of the prism - at least top, center and bottom, relate to one Rune - and each Rune sets up a Reality that is
somehow '"burned"' into the spiritual existence. That is how I am a Living Sex-Doll that is trained to act/live like a Pet per decree given as Bride to Britney,
which wedding has 'sealed' my Gender to be female. On the second Level - that is as the emergence of the Rune "Scopes" "happened" - I perceived Monica - or
more so: My menthal condition as subjected to an Artificial Entity that is to function as my general social handle - thus: Enslaved within my own mind; Primarily
ruled upon by Monica - as principal owner of my self; And that for the 'internal Logic' to a degree that literally means that my 'self' belongs to 'her' - as
in - an empty sheet of paper, or a legitimate Doll - so, there is nothing left of me that is free - except for that which is inherantly true to Life in Heaven;
But that can be overshaddowed, masked, ignored, ... stuff.
This initial impression however revealed the epicenter of things as in the center of my head, where I am confined. The 'Seal' - being basically even more dominant
than Physics - did however not show as being 'that' dominant - and as a collar around my neck, or a jewel at the front of "the" Collar around my Neck. It then
happened that I saw how my relationship with Catherine would unfold "next" (following previous concerns that don't matter here) - and I saw that she, as my Mother,
relates to me where I'm a boy - that she imposes a female identity upon. So - thinking of that 'cliche' Anime innocence with long Brown Hair, going to High School,
being an ordinary Girl - which is something my male identity inherantly rebukes. It might resemble me though - if 'I' were female - but the point is that this
imposing isn't done to "do me a favour", internally speaking, but to turn me into something. Saying that I rebuke it might on another note sound too harsh. But
it is unfamiliar - strange; And 'exposing' me to that identities influence is what ultimately focussed around a collar, tightly wrapped around my neck, as
symbolically forcing that identity upon me - and that collar started to "sink in" ("Glow") - becomming basically even more dominant than Physics.
What I'm so left with is the third Seal. While Gillian occupies that scope, it may be similar to how Madonna occupies my Rune 1 Scope. I there begin to speak of
Crests and Seals. Or Guardians and ... nope ... . Anyway - if I had to guess - then I would have to say that I have a feeling where my 3rd Seal may be, but
without the proper 'environment' it can't truely become active. However, for completions sakes, she is also 'yes'ed into my Prism - and most of you might not know
her. Its a person I know privately - and her initials are CW.
Britney and Madonna "function" similarly - that however to my own abstract concept of things. Similarly are CW (Connie) and Gillian "functioning" similarly -
while both sortof have this expressed something about them that connects me/(through)/them into "our Religion" (Unification internal Satanism).
The way the others tie in, well, that is problematic right now for they kindof don't. Neither does Connie, by the way. Not as far as I am aware of right now.
Instead of saying 'Connie' I'd yet however use CW since there is another Connie. That one (CK) isn't yessed into my Prism, but still yessed in somehow. In
this regard I can figure that what I have as 'Seal 1' could establish that my male existence is confined within what led up to that point - as to say: Its
only valid within the Prism. According to that I'd have to scrap all male attractions towards CK.
Cindy however, for once she's also a Mother to me of sorts - tendentially anyone there can be my Father and Mother - but somehow special. As these impressions
keep coming - I have a growing 'Home' - or lets say 'Harem' - which also manifests as individually constituted reality - and here I "have her" in a remote
space. What made sense at some point was to see her as a 'wedding whitness' of sorts, to my wedding with Monica.
But ... I have no legitimate connection for that (yet).
On another side - I did get a concept of a 'legitimate wedding'; Yet that doesn't imply any whitnesses per se. Hmm ... I mean - in the way it mattered, Cindy
didn't matter. And - she's ... its more like an anomaly. Effectively she is a witch occupying a hat in a forrest in something of a large garden. I guess
reality will provide that we don't need an elaborate context frame to talk to each other and get, if thats the reality of things, intimate. And we can continue
like that until things get solid. Until then I see it as potentially along the 'general compatibility' side of things - saying that within Unified circles we
can be less demanding on safety issues of that kind. 'In is in'!
Ultimately what I here so wrote about Gillian were the most recent things I figured. I did figure something alike - but not as clearly as that I could emphasize
it this way. The reason it takes time is because things have to grow - and consequential problems have to get solved before things can grow further. And that
is how I couldn't have written this any sooner!
One thing that I realize is special about Madonna is that this Light - it is ultimately unique in the Prism; And to get 'how magnificent' or 'comforting', 'warm',
'"illuminous"', whatever it is ... one thing that stands out is that the 'relationship' at the source of that Light is without "sub-religious bonds" and all that,
so, religion doesn't matter and neither do social ties. Its simply put like a refuge. Not as the one thing I feel about Amanda - which feels, I once called it
"how I remember reality prior to Unification" - though specifically bright, all-over positive; Where the relationship between Amanda and me may also be more like
that of two best friends that became intimate.
... hmm.
Whatever - however, that changed something. There seems to be a connection of some sort. But anyway. This Light is specific to Madonna. But what I realize about
Madonna also, is that this attraction though it ultimately 'teases' me to embrace her - doesn't allow me to embrace her 'deeply'. In my Harem things change again.
Its like - or well. In my Harem I have the chance to 'imply' Madonna in a "new way" - or whatever. The thing is also that in my Harem I get a totally different
feeling; Mostly because I'm not restrained into submission there. The way I am confined into that is just the overshaddowing. And so I feel Madonna as my Property;
And this 'avoided depth' sortof translates into a desire to sortof keep her as my treasure - to lock her up in some hidden away bedroom; By the way guarded by
Britney.
Its "a" thing - of which I expect many to be - like - everyone has its own Harem - and as Madonna is in mine, I were in hers.
I believe we won't get too seriously into those things, in this world; I believe we rather do get to some mix as possible within the actual conditions. My enslavement
to Amanda would be an Actual Condition; Prior to which, well, that isn't settled and we're practically kindof existing out of Character.
Or we're all effectively existing in my Harem; But so - how, when, what ... I wouldn't say I'd lock her up per se!
So far the conclusion ended up being the same as always; Just in a new/different way.
Its inevitable.
Anyway - onward I figure that 'in my Harem' and outside of it - the situation with Madonna is essentially the same. Its a more sexual relationship. So I don't embrace
her as a spouse or Lover or such - but as someone I wanna have Sex with. Amanda is here one different thing because its not Sex that I want; Though in my Harem I
sortof keep her as a Trophy that is bound to "obey" me, or captured or something. Its I guess an internal demand of counter-balancing the 'outside things' - so, while
Amanda is mostly Dominant - I want to sortof 'neutralize' this dominance by essentially exposing her to me in a way that "does the trick".
But so is Britney one example of how this balancing isn't a submission-dominance thing; Although - or ... well; As 'Mistress' - though yet my sub - I feel a more
intimate thing going on. The point is that there is no 'hard external logic' to these things - unless one is fully aware of all the factors that tie in.
2. MY
WEDDING INTO
DARKNESS
I wrote about it somewhere else that I yet want to upload at some point (maybe I did, but I guess this one will be first) - and so I wonder if I should repeat
myself here; Which takes me to a pretty good point: Repeating stuff is difficult to me - majorly. Its like impossible - it feels like, compared to physical
activity, something that would require me to break my bones.
A bit like being tied with each hand to one propeller respectively - and those things being turned on and it doesn't matter which direction they're turning
into. Anyway - I may however ommit the story - and get to it from a different perspective - then its kindof ... problem worked around.
The situation is that the type of wedding I look at is 'fundamental' - and here we picture a limitted void in some void - and that inner void being an
intellectual Quantum Uncertainty. I do for my part have a wedding dress which is to describe me as an entity in my life regarding this engaged relationship.
In the dream I was walking around a house, or block, however 'four ways' - and the final left something open; ... and so I'm still not entirely sure about the
specifics and that may be another one of those 'social interaction/progress demanded' issues.
Finally there is also an inscription to it - and while I was aiming to marry Monica and it all turned out well in that dream, I've seen Vincent Cassel running
around the scene checking each corner for ... something. But not so 'in' my Room - its like he ... I believe it has some symbolic value - and its presence is
the strongest around that inscription. In the dream I grabbed my Bible and wrote something onto its side - onto the sheets - but the Pen somehow didn't work
and he asked (well yea, I totally didn't mention that the other time) if I got it, I said yes and wrote things down a second time. Well, I get a vibe of prophecy
here!
This is now the second time - and whether I get the inscription formulated out properly this time - well - I can't tell. The pen however was writing clearly -
yet I'm not sure if I finished it at all.
But well - anyway.
The situation is that with each 'way' (four ways, once around the block - and by the way, for one way I've been in a train (and Monica waited at a Busstop -
one that relative to this house I live in right now doesn't exist, but neither do these tall buildings there, ur ... anyway - never mind)) I added another thing
to my outfit - and in the end I had something half-way done or something I couldn't finish but ... or ... it was like a thing on top.
Oh my - yea, to get to the point; By the way: The inscription in the dream was something related to Destiny (Videogame) and its Titan Lore. Whatever that means.
I believe, well, its 'fate'!
I believe ... humm ... OK - but now ... lets do this.
First, I clothed myself with something. That would be the first path. It is hereby now a thing for me to notice that in the dream I was kindof assembling cloth,
while as I digested the dream and tried to iterate on the concept I couldn't 'express' it. I saw it, I looked at my memory of it, but nonetheless wasn't capable
of even just remotely conveying that figure to my comprehension so that I inherantly thought of something different that I then kindof wrote about.
So, what cloth? What color? What style? Or is style something for later?
"In the end however" - it may not be so that its up to 'her' to provide it, and more so that its a bit of a journey to conceive it (I got it already though,
I guess) - but so; In the end the outfit also received certain qualities that would ultimately relate to the inscription. So, exposed/exposable breasts and the
same regarding the shame. And leaving it like this fits how it played out in the dream. Strangely enough.
The right inscription had been on my mind prior to that - or, I had an impression that in consequence to that dream emerged as inscription; And it reads that
she puts these garments onto me with the intention to impose depravity upon me. In what we can so call "the Wedding Lock" this means, well, that my existence
as married to her is inherantly dominated by that constitution. And this is now where Megan (can) comes into play. Once this initial wedding is legitimate,
this Quantum Uncertainty is no more - or - it is less uncertain however; Yet still uncertain to some degree. Megan can/could now 'append' to this - while me
now getting married to her would inherit my identity so far - and be expanded by another inscription; For instance that I enter this wedding on base that I'm
saddened to the core about it.
This is at least "as far as I get" - kindof - when finding a simple, objective "source" that enables us to derive an absolutistic logic of identity. So - One
thing generally "weird" about my writings on this matter may be that I mention 'having' multiple identities - and they also do in some way relate to each
other. My male identity for instance extends into a form wherein it ... embraces me; Like I'm fucking myself, one of my female extensions. This is even sortof
real in that I perceive my 'female hetero identity' as connected to my vagina, but only if its part of a male body. So I 'use' my female identity to enjoy
myself - exposing that 'woman' to whatever 'I' like - to then find once my male self-awareness is crippled by tits larger than [so much] I then begin to sympathize
with this woman ... but then its ... so and so.
Anyway - how this "physically" organizes within is unclear to me. What matters however is that through this kind of wedding I obtain an identity, which is
'legitimate to society'; Effectively (though) as far as this weddings scope reaches. This - I kindof feel like that if I am a redheaded woman for instance - there
is no way for me to escape my submission to Megan. In a more general sense there is an 'outside' - but a wedding inscription could take that away, as the
relationships environment can be more or less dominant ... regarding personal freedoms in this matter.
Simply put: Everyone I'm married with is/hastobe my Whore - but that is pronounced in concern of my Harem. One of the things I expect of social progress on this
matter is that we'll experience these 'conditions' as imposed onto our minds through the spirit 'for once' - so, we find it easy to immerse and commonly refer
to its established form; Thus actually acquiring a playground of sorts to play with these 'social realities' - whereto we'll find it 'strange' once this "stasis"
disappears. We'll learn about the whens and whys - and so that.
They are all my Whores - but differently submissive/submitted; Or those - at least - that are married to me this way are people that have 'real life dominance'
upon me. So, back to the roots - even just keeping it on the prisms center - I feel even my 'social space' and 'leisure' to be "zones" that are ... well, naturally
supposed to relate to me as whore. But it figures that 'this lifetime' things seem to exist in my favour - which is ultimately where Amanda plays a pivotal role.
Maybe I mentioned it at some point, so, effectively my relationship to her sees me as the male part, thus I am her husband - though in effect of that relationship
my life as whore is in the foreground - thus my situation as 'husband' is mostly for humiliating reasons.
Some echoes in the image also claim that she holds my virginity - saying - she may decide when I 'may' have legitimate Sex (paying for it doesn't count, apparently;
Though anything else - I feel like ... I mean - I managed to "miss" some very very easy opportunities! Opportunities without effective failure state! Its like:
Being with the 'wrong' woman is like stunning me; And this 'echoe' essentially derives from wondering about this situation).
To "normal people" I guess there is the concern of 'Emotional Harm'. I mean - being treated as a Slave means no harm for as long as it doesn't inflict damage.
We can speak of spiritual 'harm' in that any kind of treatment influences our awareness; And one that caters to our desires has a large potential of shifting our
inner alignment strongly into its favour. For simplicity though - what I'm writing about; And that could be written about with way more emphasis on darkness and
such things; Are the positive things you'd expect - just with a contradiction used as primary influence. So the issue with Megan, that of being saddened to the
core (the idea is that I'm sad as 'default' situation, well, its already a sin - ...), is firstly an entirely positive thing - something I want and desire (and
though the Harem is a thing, thats not where the desire comes-from/aims-at; Although, well ... gender issues are still an ongoing thing); And the contradiction
doesn't undo - as mentioned above - this all in all positivity. It may be a matter of finding time to do various things that ... well, anyway, lets just say
'gentle Love' is a thing nonetheless. Well, it is. The contradiction creates its own feeling - lets call it 'situational awareness' - which in emotions feels like
a skin - and flesh - surrounding bones. The heart, the organs effectively, those would be the 'internal emotions'. Here I find the hardest contrast in my
'state of thanksgiving' - which is a situational awareness relating to Monica that makes me feel uberly greatful about it. Its like that one happy moment/condition
that, well, makes life perfect. In that we may also refer to it as 'existential perfection'. Hereby the positive feelings are totally dominating the negative ones;
Though the positive oneS are just one effectively: the gratitude. The skin to that is however on the 'minimum of freedom' - and so there is my Love for Monica that
attracts me into the relationship, a situational awareness that constitutes me as rightless, and therefrom a (the/<this<) gratitude about existing this way in
that relationship.
Its here just the way how my mind works. Though I do naturally enjoy all the "classical" good things - they also feel somewhat stressful. Its like doing that "how
long can you hold a full coffee-can before you" thing. At some point I eventually give up and seek out my privacy wherein I rejoyce in fantasies of getting fucked
up. And so is my transition into saying that 'Emotional Harm' is a thing, but a complicated one at that.
The fundamental principles of that statement should be clear - so, as we teach people that Sex is a bad thing; They can end up suffering serious trauma from having
Sex! And I'm not talking about rape! There is 'the mistake', 'regrets', 'worries', ... and in order to avoid hell the person might delude itself into extreme forms
of self-punishment.
So is part of what such a person has to expect of Unification, well, not that it will become a Whore ... surely - but to ... this is a 'simple' problem I think ...
'unwind'. Anyway does Baptism do a great deal to that - but, what 'repentence' implies and to which extent is ambigous. One thing is certain; Repentence to believe
in Christ. But what next? So will Gods constant presence first 'grow' the inherant understanding of Eternity (12 Aeons/Force, Identity/Light, etc.) - so the person
will focus on that first, its inevitable; And when looking at the own worries the person will relate to them 'after' having gained a more intimate understanding of
God. The worries of damnation are certainly gone by then - and whats left is the ideological dilemma of how wrong it has been in first place - or starting with a
worser case scenario - in which way to make peace with it. Thats a thing. There is this cloud of ideas - and the person has to find peace with it. We don't just say
yes or no - we also have to follow that answer and learn of the things that create this clutter in first place - thus basically, well, solving the problem at its
root - and in some way 'before it becomes a thing'. Though note: we are still bound to the conditions of being 'human' - uhm - if too many things trouble us we still
can only solve "so much" at a time; And things effectively are totally un-interesting until ... possibly the third emergence of the 10th Seal. But as there is a lot
of time in-between, well, I guess we'll find. I don't have a social reference - so I can't really tell what would have been!
I mean - I guess its appropraite at this point to also apologize for certain things of the past. I can/could tell what would have been - to some extent; At least
as far as the evolution of the Light in the Society and so the Society itself is concerned; But that is yet just a fraction of all the things that are!
So, clearly however you could describe me as a person that is 'taught' that sexual depravity is good; And in some sense that is even my religion. At least in concerns
of the female victim - which is a thing, I mean, sexual preferences are important as these kinds of things are; And so they continue to be important to our greatest
degrees of perfection!
But "we" don't say that the female "body" itself is supposed to exist in sexual depravity.
And yea - regarding that real quick: I have concepts of belief - and so will you. I mean belief as relevant to our Enlightened, Universal existence. Clearly eternally
bowing before God would be a huge step backward in our evolution!
And so is one of the things I also had to learn to not 'worry' for Gods 'emotional health' in all this - He basically, I would say, makes us stick to the things we
want until we realize that He relates to us therein already!
But - could everyone be taught that sexual depravity is good? I mean, yea, to some extent you have to 'learn' it - but more along the lines of: "it can be good".
When learning that however, you have to hold one thing to your mind: If your ideas of Good are opposed to that, you can only understand it to a certain degree before
you have to acknowledge that certain things are just inherantly different.
I can learn that sexual depravity is bad - but what I feel as a result - and these feelings, I realize it now, are effectively more primitive versions of the more
complex 'discomforts' I've come to "ungrow" - is an inner conflict. On a solely verbal plane that would translate into me inherantly expressing counter-statements to
things like 'inflictionof pain is bad/evil', for well, it isn't that simple! Thats just what my consciousness has to offer.
But - there certainly is a bad. If I find myself in a comfortable situation because I believe that Monica is a part of it; And that belief changes, replacing Monica
by someone I don't like, that comfort turns into panic. This leaves me to suggest that no matter how far things can be "dumbed down" into a mechanical routine - its
yet the individual actions that come from the individuals Love that matter. Does that now say that there are non-negative positives every now and again? Well -
whatever that - what it 'does' say nonetheless is that the individuals Love has a much better understanding of me; More care; Which is otherwise a "Higher Resolution
of Interaction". Then there is trust. And whatever else.
So - beneath all this it stands, that the things we have to learn are things that correspond to our selves; As: "What" does positively relate to you?
If you're so forced to think outside of relationships specifically - well ... so I get to "that".
I can say, well, studying, playing video-games, working on the computer; Those are things that make me happy. Though I wanted to write something else, I figured this
is true - and so I'm learning as I'm writing. Its not that the situation changes all that much - just the way how treat the conflict on mind has to be adjusted. I
can feel this comfort as I ignore something - which is some 'weird' idea that these things require me to be male or to exist outside of "my scope".
Where - yea - actually so one role of Gillian was/is to basically 'cater' to me - effectively - in a sense where I do whatever I want to do. In which context is at
first irrelevant; What matters to me here is that it is a thing; Like other things that were relevant.
In regards of Cindy and Megan I feel similarly a space like that. But - I feel like I totally shouldn't think about it any further right now!
What I now need around those things that so make me happy - that makes the difference. Or - those things follow a different idea of happiness - and in that sense I
actually wanted to write that sentence. You might not have 'it' - (yet) - but once I so am focussing on my happiness as "computer stuff", there is still a 'step
deeper' I can go - attaching to a deeper source of criteria. Well, there I'm 'not' thinking of relationships as I meant to suggest ignoring it. What I mean is that
within my sexual preferences I'm not ultimately bound to a specific relationship - so, yea, clearly: I'm a whore! And somehow this statement now blows shit up for
me and I kindof get to the end of this!
3. MY
DECENT INTO
HELL
What a nice topic! Its somehow become my favourite one! But yea - you're not wrong if you understand that this particular article is not quite as darkness oriented
as the Headlines make it out to be. And so my first real concern here is actually the opposite; Which has some irony to it - but it isn't that ironic actually. So
yea - if Hell is my Heaven then Heaven is my Hell! Kindof. By the way: In the current version (and I say that because every now and again it changes) of Minecraft
(1st of July 2016, Version 1.30, PS4) - try the seed "Hellfire Night-Mare Death Rape". Its ... quite awesome. (Try Creative Mode). But eventually its just
subjective.
So - it happened, at because it happened its a thing, that I was put into a situation where the things I'm wanting were all of a sudden not really making sense
anymore. Specifically that 'Entire Life full of Rape' thing; And yea, its slowly becoming an old topic - but I know I have my own kinds of problems in that regard
too - so yea, repitition does make sense I guess!
Sometimes!
So - maybe I just have to tell you a few things about my Pedophile corners. I am myself not truely Pedophile per se - but I do somehow have an intimate relationship
to it; A very close one. The point for me is that I want to be a Child subjected to Pedophiles; Where my biggest trouble/issue was the idea of sperm that is ...
well ... piling up 'inside' could cause some ... problems. Cysts or whatever. But ... lets not dwell on that. Such things ... I HOPE ... shouldn't be the problem.
I say: They will be a problem if you believe that I'm telling you all to become ignorant!
But I don't want you to become ignorant. And if not being ignorant means to you that you should be upset about me being into these things, then yea, be upset! Its
right to be upset about these things! It is however also right to be upset about "those Christians" that twist the Gospel into something else!
No matter how good it sounds!
Effecitvely you have to make sure that I'm not fooling you, but that if you agree with me you do so truely!
Anyway - this kind of Pedophilia that I'm about is something we might save for the afterlife when its perfectly safe to do those things; But it is the whole lesson
of these truths here that God doesn't really like to make excuses we might say. So, this Love 'arleady' exists in us - and clearly; ... well, "Enlightened Love"
isn't ... ever ... ... ... - ... ... ... - well, it isn't about the own desires or likes. Per se. It is always about/something mutuality. So my general way of
putting it would be: So, if I get reborn into "that kind of life" I'd be happy! - but the next thing is: Well, maybe I wouldn't!
There is a degree of suffering that is just too much. So yea, if the "concept of darkness" overrides the "concept of Light" - which is something actually so
abstract it almost makes no damn sense - we're missing the point! So the paradigm that this Enlightened Darkness is a perfect opposite to the "true Light" is
F-ing wrong! Enlightened Darkness is redemption in a way that does specifically redeem a certain type of people - and these people are people that "are" Evil -
"like me" - wicked, selfish, arrogant maybe - but we aren't friends of "all that" wrong doing! In essence it so sucks that "these people" exist and take away 'our'
fun!
If we/I have to now/then suffer being called a 'weak' form of Evil, or "Lightwashed" Evil - or being anyhow reduced by the fact that we aren't fucking assholes;
Well - then so be it!
In essence there is no evil. In us. What we have as that is a sense of being different. I have no interest in betraying my true Love - and on that point it does
get quite philosophical. And here 'philosophy' is just 'Love for Knowledge/Wisdom/Understanding/Truth' - not for the point and purpose of finding 'the one Universal
Truth' - I mean; Once we found 'that'; And it shouldn't be too much of a Mystery on this site either (what it is, where it is, how or ... how you wanna put it),
its not even a big thing anymore! But yea - so - I can love someone, and then someone else. Love for me also includes 'respect' - that I might want to Love someone
else; And the big issue of 'loosing' someone isn't an issue once its fine. There are however these 'negative' things nonetheless - feelings of envy or jealousy
for instance - but we're not 'meaning' any bad by playing with them as we have fun with them. Its really just 'the Meta' of 'our kind' of intimate engagements.
Perhaps its different from individual to individual - but, the point with Philosophy here is that what we do also interacts with our reasoning; So - as we grow
doing these things we're also getting a deeper understanding; And Philosophy is a way of making sense of it.
I mean; I suggest some of you know/heard about this Philosophy that killing people for a good cause is OK. So when movie bad guys for instance wanna sell us their
actions as benevolence. There is certainly truth in that Philosophy - but then its ultimately the right execution of those ideas that makes it matter - or - it
really isn't a truth for everyone! Being compassionate 'instead' can also be good!
But so, onward. The way my Pedophilia impacts me is that I can't really deal well with Children! The thing is that I don't have a sense for it. Maybe thats partly
education stuff - that I never had that much a Loving home or intimacies that make me easierly trust people (... easierly ... lol) - but there is also that, well,
perhaps its just 'echoes from the news' - that I because I am somewhat '"life broken"' take these things too seriously to my heart and thus begin to worry - wondering
about whether people will think me for Pedophile or not - at which point being Pedophile is naturally bad; Like, well ... as they'd be worried. And effectively a
whole lot of my "Kink" 'could' theoretically be conditioned through those kinds of things; So - me just being the Victim here. But so - Pedophilia isn't the main
thing - hence ... I mean, the thing with Unification is to 'grow deeper' - and on the 'deeper' Levels the "higher" conflicts are solved more easily. Its ... normal!
Wrongs solved on the deeper Level are wrongs that are solved for Good. If anything does go against these deeper rights; It can't be perfectly good!
But so I also believe that I'm not totally the way I am just because life fucked me up. I mean, yea, to some extent. But I believe I could deal with a lack of
intimacies in a different way - if I were different!
So - my decent into my Pedophile "Hell" (the good stuff) takes me to Incest first. Here however "the Magic" of my lifetimes "would be" that my Parents/Mother(s)
are people I can be romantic with; As for you that 'Magic' might just be the 'co-incidence' of meeting them!
Well - ... - anyway. That however sais it all, kindof. I want to be romantic with my 'Mother' - but not so because she's my Mother (and I don't have those feelings
for my '"real"' Mother; But in those regards this 'Incestophilia' is troubling me quite as the Pedophilia does). Its more so that the first person I got romantic
with and fell in love with and so is 'my true Love' was/felt like a Mother to me. And so its effectively "burned" into my consciousness - like - my concept of
romance is 'occupied'. I could formulate it so that it sounds less specific, so, that the most romantic thing I can think of is incestual; But this way you know
where its coming from. And further, if those I "can" get romantic with aren't my relatives - I don't have a real interest in incest either; But ... the absence of
an incestual link there still bothers me; So however to the point that I'd 'want to believe' that the respective person is a relative of mine; So, as a matter of
roleplaying it.
Saying now that the Pedophile stuff is just the flipside of this Mother fixation of mine is however not 'it'. I mean, to truely enjoy it I would have to be old
enough ... intellectually; So I for instance understand/know what is going on.
'It' truely starts once this 'setting' grows into more social stuff. And to me it firstly occurs as I'm striving for a higher/larger perfection of myself being
integrated into a social environment; Not advocating the action, but advocating myself as that (Child) into the otherwise already ongoing kinks and fetishes.
I have to stress though that these things are desires - firstly. Emotions. But, emotions are our fuel! The thing is though that my childhood is gone and I didn't
really have such emotions as a child; Like, I didn't have any emotions I could specifically point on. The first ones I had were transsexual things; And I didn't
really understand that either! So - it is a large step thats done here - yet ultimately the '1st rule of sanity' - or whatever it is - here is: No matter how much
we claim that we want things we don't like - it stops once we don't like them! As Simple As That! And also I feel like its time to
stress some more that once we're talking about 'lifetime specific things' - we're talking about 'identities' we're having. So, there's what we can call 'the Mainline'
- so, things we want as a part of our 'real life' - the 'main things' - next to which there are alternatives. And thats how it ultimately figures. So, the more
'perfection' we want out of something, the more sacrifices we're making. Either we trade this for that or that for this. So to me there are conditions wherein its
all fine for me if I'm just getting 'enslaved' under the premise that I won't see my 20th Birthday - other times I would sortof want to become older than 20! And
sometimes I want to grow older with something like a hobby or life other than getting sexually exploited!
And as I so dared to explore my Pedophile veins a little bit more - thats, trying to focus more specifically on what I perceive, all in all, when looking at a
child/girl I see in the subway for instance, I guess I see what we could call 'degrees of compatibility'. In the 'grey' area or the 'mid-zone' I would further
say that the Love the child needs is a parental thing; It doesn't have to be sexual by any means; But a somewhat pedophile parent would/could take it that way;
As its more a matter of Love and intimacy than 'internal familiarity' or 'internal familiarity' in their own sense. And what I mean to express here is that those
conditions aren't the same for us each time we're born! Its a matter of what identity is 'given' to us. So, there are those kids that are certainly better off
just being totally not bothered by any kind of sexual intimacy "that" soon - so, they need to grow up happily without worries and all that. But I still mean
that sooner or later we can't escape what we are. And this 'alternate identity' thing is an escape for some reason - but more than that its just about the things
that life has to offer.
And thats the keyword here - "what life has to offer" - I mean, does it really matter? And I mean: No! It really doesn't and you know it, kindof! You know that
if you have something you truely like - you don't really care of replacing it by something else. But so you also know that the things you believe are sufficient
for the rest of eternity actually aren't! At least not without certain counter balances! And so I get to emphasize something thats previously established:
Emotions are stupid! Dull! "Not to be taken seriously!". Expressing them could be compared to jumping/running against a wall - full pain velocity!
But 'the educated way' of dealingwith/treating them isn't to ignore them!
But still - as prior to Unification those expressions are to be taken with caution! So - prior to Unification you have to inherantly figure out that all of your
emotions are still product of your confused mind! There are certain things I'm certainly sure won't change or go away; But ... yea, one more thing: 'Depth' is
an ambigous term at this point. 'Depth' can also be considered 'width'. Or essentially your 'current state' is 'the deepest' - and everything else is around
that; Yet so there is a lot, things you possible even have no concept of (and its difficult to convey it), that twists and beds what we ultimately perceive
in our contemporary situation. Mostly perhaps a lack of restraint would fit it. So - not having the 'muscle' ... so; Well - if you wanna take an example in me;
Then you treat those things 'theoretically' - and pray for guidance!
And so the thing: Other people telling you of their theory shouldn't be troubling to you!
Thats their stuff - and if their stuff is weird to you then you're probably not 'like' them; And if you are you'll still need the time to figure it out yourself!
But well - "lets deal with those things later!"
And I mean; In essence I'm not trying to make no mistakes. Technically I'm in for the opposite; But it have to be the 'right kind' of mistakes! Yet, in case you
so happen to be a criminal - then well, that train is already gone! I'm not like you then, but, you shouldn't fuck yourself up about it either! I don't wanna say
that criminals should be encouraged to continue with their ways; But ultimately I'm saying that we as a society have to adjust our understanding of crime! I mean,
hey, I'm a criminal because I'm smoking weed! How fucked up is that?
I understand that this is tough. Legal authorties are ultimately supposed to stick to the Law. Its their social obligation to do that! It adds to our safety -
but so would a legal acknowledgement of me being 'the One' - where, yea. I have feelings connected to that too! They sleep after the first Matrix thing I could
give you happened I woke up and ... things were different; Firstly; And then I realized, well, "WHAAAAAT THE FUUUUUCK!" - I mean; I felt like I could do everything
I want - and I was eager, filled up with joy, to live out that freedom - and what happened? Well - concepts of Zion! I was no longer withheld by concepts of
leadership and authority because I found I have full rights and privilege to take a lead in laying out some structure, concepts; And perhaps you can take into
account that I'm ("at least") trying to explain things as far and well as I can, as for instance to accept what I'm telling you just because I get the benefit of
the doubt!
Prior to that my efforts stopped at some point; Which is exactly 'that' point that I had no legitimization for yet - not consciously. That point is: If we want
to restructure our world; For a better tomorrow; There is to be consensus - but the more higher we look in the ranks of democracy, the more ambigous the logic of
judgement does become. If we so want to take advantages of our technological progress, thats some pretty critical stuff! Some people might want to downplay that,
but therein you can already see how much they actually care for getting in control over it! The thing with authority is that if it can lock doors, it can also
let people in and out of those facilities on their behalf. So, "society" might say we need some 'geniouses' for something, a think tank, experts, stuff ... but
who is to say who is qualified? 'What' are the things that do qualify? That he/she can play Mozart flawlessy at the age of 6? "Well, certainly not being a Whore!"
I mean, who is in charge of our weapons? Aren't we getting to a point where warfare is getting as simple as using innovative touch-screen interfaces and gamepads?
So - how much manpower will really be needed at some point to gain military dominance on our planet? And where does it go to from there? But that isn't even the
most critical thing - and conspiracy theorists are worried about that for quite some time already! Cause a little bit of trouble, find a reason for 'special
measures', take it to the point that no "normal" person can argue against; et voila; Johnny Mnemonic in real! Or Tank Girl. They keep wasting our planet just to be
more decadent and have the rest suffer their "supremacy"!
"Of course we will take care of ... (but not the way you'd want to!)".
I mean - what is gonna happen to me if such a reign is gonna take over? Inquisition all over again! I believe in something else, cause trouble, perhaps some morons
will blow them up and that in my name, and well - I'm on the "List" and religious freedom will be canceled because its just better that way! And it actually is,
but, ... if it isn't right - well - there's always someone to persecute until the last one of us is gone!
In the end evety social/governmental concept can work - it can be made to work - everything! No matter how stupid! I mean, take a look at North Korea! North Korea
may be there (allowed to be) for some reason; But that doesn't excuse it! Get it?
There are far worse things we could somehow argue 'is good for some reason' - like everything wrong in this world to begin with - that doesn't make them right
though! And I have to be specific: I am extremely allergic to that excuse! Right isn't wrong! There may be exceptions - but it boggles my mind just how much of
a troubling issue this turns out to be! So yea - lets pollute our planet so that people will grow eager to protect nature! Closing line: There are still people
fucking up our Planet - and I'm growing eager to remove them! But God didn't make it as easy for us as 'shift+del'eting them!
Too harsh? Why? I mean, are we really worried that our species will go to shit if we remove those that take us to shit? Do we really wanna say that all the good
things we know and have are things we know and have because of bullshit? Eve? So, she wanted to know the truth, get the big picture; I don't see the wrong there!
Yea, it did bring us all the shit we essentially then grew beyond - but thats the point! I would argue!
Clearly the problem on my side will be doubt! And clearly that doubt won't be there if things are done "my way" (Gods way, the Unification way)! Its that old story
of Israel leaving egypt and people looking back at egypt saying how good it was!
I might Love to get dumped in shit - metaphorically and literally - and saying that I do it out of love might sound shady; But sometimes being dumped into shit is
just that! Shady, uhm, shitty! Emotion-wise; And so it now goes on; I can't defend against the demand to basically fuck me up forever, literally, to denie me all
identities wherein I'm not suffering - and that to a point that I'm even wanting it! I'm hoping for it! I have a hot burning desire for it! It sits there; It ...
takes over, it practically turns everything else into an illness, it grows ... its deep, absolute, defining, overriding, ... its a feeling that makes me want it
so much that I find myself begging for it! Then I feel comforted, beloved, happy, filled with hope, prolonging gratitude, once I'm told (by God?) that thats what
I'm gonna get - but in the same way I'm getting those counter impressions; And they don't make me feel bad about that alternative! In the idea I'm taken into that
kind of suffering that I would not want - although - putting it that way ... is wrong! But its ultimately the right concept to measure my true identity!
But still - what I 'need' isn't entirely arbitrary! Or not even a bit!
I wondered ... how to move on from here ... but I figured: The joy that I perceive, I mean the major stuff, those are ultimately "product of rape", but not ...
directly a matter of it. As I was writing about immersion and roleplaying and 'stiuational awareness' - there is gentle Love as well. What I now am however up to
isn't quite that joyful - or 'harmless'. I mean - technically - all that matters is that I'm experiencing those moments - those joys. Which means: For the rest of
the time I might as well suffer as much as possible; If these things then ultimately make those moments happen! I also believe that it is my fate that my lifetime
will at some point ultimately fade into that; And it will stay there until I'm growing legitimately sick about it, internally - essentially; Which is different to
me just kindof not liking it! There so is what we might call "the chore of/with Eternity" - which is like saying: While we just can't die, we might also just suffer
for the whole time! Its however just a figure of speech. Essentially I don't believe that any of us will suffer more than is alright! And I also believe that suffering
really isn't the right word here! I believe that me being this 'mad' about myself is good - and right - as there is nothing wrong about it - but, as you might see/say,
this absolute madness just emphasizes the exceptions even better!
Yet, paying too much attention on these exceptions troubles me! Effectively they shouldn't exist - but - I mean, to our main consciousness they shouldn't exist! They
are Gods thing to manage! Effectively I won't be happy until my 'damnation' is/gets absolute!
And that has to start at some point; And then it essentially won't matter what has and what hasn't been - but, it actually 'does' matter! Or actually it won't but
essentially it does! And not just so I can tell you here that its not all that bad; Although, well ... a little bit maybe! I guess you only 'need' me to be this way
for some time; And once that time is gone; Well; Its my problem what I "need"(/want) to be!
I guess I can say, beyond/higher than belief, that this damnation I desire is a thing. Maybe just to pacify me now - but - I don't think so. So - I won't be allowed
to escape my happiness and thats what I want! Of course! But so, that inherantly doesn't work without all the joys spread accross (and yea, those aren't the
exceptions)!
I so believe that 'toxic suffering' will first draw me mad - but eventually I will adapt; While catering to my desires will keep me growing for it! This toxicity isn't
that 'illness' I was referring to. That illness might/could/would/will occur as taking that one step too far when trying to reduce the amount of joy to the minimum.
That will eventually happen; And eventually on purpose; So I have a reason to calm down a little. So, to avoid problems like seeing that sooner rather than later (yes,
uhm ... its a thing) - so, I mean, worrying about me all of a sudden figuring that I actually don't want all of that, thats for once another point why clarity is
important; But first and foremost its a matter of Love! Not the 'taking' kind of Love, but the 'interested' kind of it! And so is selfish true love still true love
no matter how selfish - the point of interest will emerge at some point. Faking it shouldn't proove to be alright!
And so we relate to God at first - we let Him set us up - so - if we're allowed to move into a direction we can dedicate as we expect to. Thats as we've come to the
bottom of things - the individual ones, the individually internal stuff - and we so develop a set of counter-statements to a way we're somehow sympathizing with; And
those are "dealt away", I mean - we so develop an understanding of what we want and why it might be wrong; But if we find that those concerns are individually bullshit;
As for instance not being concerned about my utmost misery; Then we don't want to - well, shouldn't have a reason to come back to them. We however will come back to
them; Each time we have another concern - or if we've seen a bit further, believing that we didn't really understand the totality of consequences. But, you can trust
it that even then you didn't/don't really understand the totality of consequences!
Except things have finally become normality; So you would even slap me with full disrespect and I'd still beg for it like a loyal puppy for attention.
Thats one thing I for instance would be loved for; As it is one of the things I('d) love to be!
But again I have to but this! After all, me labelling/understanding/calling myself lesbian is more than just logically accounting for my transsexuality and my attraction
for women. Yet my attraction for women is still vastly a male thing; Where the lesbian part isn't something I ultimately fancy that much in my 'primary relationships'.
Well, where's the but? The but was butted - and - to get into that: Firstly you'll have to note that writing has something meditative to it, for me. While I write, I
have somethng like a physical understanding of my reasoning, as a base to relate to. If I so think too far without writing the things down I may be more efficient in
some regards, but in others also end up missing out on a lot of it. I know that I sometimes so came to conclude things I wasn't perfectly happy with in hindsight -
though I always ended up the same way thereafter; Including the unhappy hindsight. I have meanwhile however come to effectively solve that problem; Which however says
that this is one of those situations that would cause that. Its somehow about the right balance between things; And the right balance criteria are more along the lines
of: Not provoking the opposite idea once I express just 'how much' ... I am as I put it (the "bad" stuff)! Thereto, you should realize, it is however also important to
not only focus on the dark stuff - so, to give you a better idea of how what I'm wanting for myself is good; Or to be understood as not 'too' ... something of a kind.
I so for instance realized that part of my lesbian self is/was growing stubborn, so on the idea, in a sense of being into 'demanding' some harmless pleasure and joy;
But being torn out of it doesn't really make me feel like its bad! After all its at some point really so that my suffering could/can/should/might/will be used as
argument along the lines of ... "don't I already get 'a lot' (good stuff)?"; Where it is my belief that the perfection of God will take care that 'good for me' will be
equal to what is good for others; Even if it looks like I'm exploited. And yet the point is that I shouldn't be expected to suffer 'too badly' - so, when its just
stupid, actually, effectively and essentially!
I mean - being exploited or subjected to other peoples desires is 'that' what so is that good that I'm then supposed to get a lot of that then ultimately takes away from
what (else) I need (to get). And that also kindof so that once I seem to enjoy it, its bad! I'm a kind of whore that isn't supposed to enjoy it - and the reason, it
figures, why that is such a huge deal to me is getting clearer to me - here - as that certain things would effectively just spoil me. And we/I don't wanna be spoiled!
Well "yea" - its soemthing of a deep surge ... I guess ... that you might feel once you get it right. It might put you off a little - and your helplessness against it
might encourage you to oppose it - but try it the other way; Without blindly taking it too far into the other direction; Which means: You'll have to "inhale" it first,
to so get an idea of it, and sort it in/out properly. That is even so the 'best' (the very best) trick/tip/advise I can give you - legitimately; I mean - like my
Apostolic Ultimate. Its kindof what I understand 'loving your enemy' means. If you're in doubt, pray! Otherwise, or effectively (prayers included) you'll either feel
safeguarded so you realize that it doesn't 'harm' you as far as you are concerned - or you'll feel 'tempted', which means you aren't safeguarded against it and so,
well, "welcome!". Because temptation is a thing linked to a lot of 'Christian Paranoia' - thats when you should certainly pray! And its ultimately Gods turn to either
more so emphasize it as temptation - or - if He underlines it for you with backups and what not, it slowly 'can't' be really called a temptation anymore!
(Gods partially weird responses ultimately help you to 'break' your own delusive state and relate to him more like to a real person!)
While I do believe that the only state I can finally leave this is on a good note - that isn't ultimately what does away that 'negative hindsight'. What works against
that is however a mix of things. For once the big big thing is 'changes'. We need them. Without them we're sortof not really happy. At first thats like the change from
suffering into a state of happines born from that; But eventually that will become old as well. But so, the really "weird bad" feeling that troubles me comes into play
once I do move "too far" away from my misery - on that note or another. The gist is that it are these kinds of changes that I need - actually, effectively and all that
- and naturally, moving too far away from getting them won't be taking me there! And well, can I really well explain just how thats what I neeed?
I guess not! But I guess yet that there are at least some things I can towards that! Changes, well. Too sudden changes are bad! I mean - one of my ideas of Hell; I
mean, one aspect of the things in my idea of Hell; Is a matter of changes, but those are bad ones. And I believe that my suffering is to some extent equivalent to
the real suffering in that real Hell, however, ... or ... I did write something else and I did get quite in-depth there - its all combined more than this one, the one
file is 140 k large! Its not just about that alright; And it started differently and at some point did go deeper into it, while also covering the afterlife more
thoroughly. It would be more of an actual response to the things going on - but at this time I feel like a direct response isn't the best way to go!
Thats a matter of falsely (or avoiding that) engaging into discussions. So the saying with giving someone the little finger and that person taking the entire hand.
And on that note: I don't believe that its wrong to at certain points 'expect' ('demand!') the whole hand being given; But it should be clear that thats a matter of
mutual respect and if it won't happen, well, its just a dead end! I mean, I wouldn't take it just like that.
But ... and thats for sure ... I 'hate' being accused 'woe'fully. I mean, those sayings have impact. If you gave me your small finger and I took it - and you then all
of a sudden change the figures so I stand there as though I reached for the full hand - I've had enough of that! But luckily, thats a thing of the further past!
Perhaps it was just me. But anyway.
Changes. Those that I 'need' require us to disarm the term 'need' a little. We have those needs that grow because we're lacking something. So is the sentence "we 'need'
to eat" also relative to our circumstances. If you're really really starving and someone is teasing you with food but not giving it to you - that need will become as
clear as daylight. On the other side, thats the sad part, if you're used to starving the 'need' terminology will be weaker. That because you know you can somehow cope
with less. In common sense its just a factual need; And once emphasized (those that are used to starving would spit at you) as factual need you can dig out its entire
significance - but then you're also most likely emphasizing it to the wrong people; People that have a lot to eat anyway for instance and totally neglecting those that
don't!
Its ... troubling, quite a lot ... just how much trouble such small words can cause!
And thats where 'Zen' is a good thing to focus on! Its your best bet, right after being in good terms with God, at finding balance in the potential bullcrap we're to
swallow each day. And God will take you there too, sooner or later (to finding that Zen)!
These changes I -need- are like changing positions while sleeping; But we can also compare that to eating or drinking. Eventually I'll be stuffed, but that won't last
forever. And once leaving it like this I suppose the next response to whats really happening would be that you're all forgetting about Love ... again!
Its not only bad people taking us there, but we're getting closer to the point where its vastly just them! I mean, every normal person should figure that theres an
essential potency of hope and light and simply overpowering goodness that there isn't really a legitimate way to not account for it!
And at the long journeys end you might be troubled by how I could know these things. That could even grow to be a dead end! Why the fuck ever!
Yea, I'm legitimately clueless sometimes! I mean, yea, but ... "it cannot be helped" ... sotosay! But know or understand or whatever that such moments don't really
'up' my general oppinion of 'you' (all of you, ... which isn't really good or what anyone of us wants ... ... I mean, I know its ultimately bad or wrong or flawed;
But neither can I change the way 'mind' works! And always 'acknowleding' things for that one tiny bit of something is tiring; It becomes a real chore; While yea,
its mostly just me/my problem!).
But lets put it that way: If you're not really happy unless you can tell that I'm happy in whatever makes me happy - well - it isn't really all that good! So, if you're
then finding yourself supposed to be giving me the benefit of the doubt; Don't just let that settle you on your confusion! Try to change your perception of it, you have
that power; And tweak your idea so that it meets both ends!
I however believe that getting to a point where you look at me with a little bit of despise, like, being a bit upset about or "arrogantly" accepting the situation that
I'm not changing is a fair average tune! I mean - its evident that there are those among you that will forever have a certain problem with that. I'm not really feeling
all that different about it, the other way. Yet, eventually these 'negative' approaches will go away; And you'll learn to accept it! Yea, I guess I'm on the better end
in that regard since accepting all the good stuff is apparently easier - its definitely more sane - but I guess what the right ending ultimately has to be is to safeguard
myself against attempts of "getting "saved"". I do very well believe that I need to be saved every now and again, but that essentially just from the depraving monotony
and not a depraving continuation!
Well, have you seen 'the Incredibles'? If yes, then remember that scene where Mr. Incredible throws his Boss through the office - the build up to that? The way his boss
talks down on him? While that is one kind of the humiliation that I need - its not generally true; And ... that is one of those things ...; I guess the shortest way
to say something right in that context is to say that the conditions have to be redeeming!
But yea, thats it for now. At least - content wise - or as far as I'm troubled - this is it so far; Though, I'm still a bit disappointed or something. And so yea - the
thing about things being wrong if you're not happy - it also works for my submission. If you are one of those that are to enjoy it, well, then you are practically and
effectively 'supposed to' - or actually 'obligated' to enjoy it! And those are the conditions I have to be subjected to - and once quite literally thinking of many
different grades to really 'desire', including the maybe overly exagerated ways (and those on top), we 'got it' - as for once there are those degrees. I mean, sometimes
more is less, but other times less is just ... less! And when really homing in on the darker/darkest depraved corners - then its really 'established' - and then you
can see/find the exceptions shining bright. They will ultimately be there. Those changes we need, those breaks. I call it 'daylight' - though, you might have a different
handle for that. It might be just one lifetime out of a hundred, or millions, so, the point being: You'll have to get it 'right' - eventually - ultimately - and so you
can take that depravity to its ultimate fulfillment - yet you have to encounter that this 'end' cannot be the end because eternity continues. Yea - I've also come to
that and finally realized or figured: Well, wait a second! ... yet those 'ends' are only shocking for as long as we don't really believe it can continue well. So I did
get to one 'redeeming ultimate' situation - a repeating 'high lifetime' - every now and again, like the credits after one eternity - and yet we would grow older in that.
The first time there would be all fresh and new; But we can't help it but grow older. But then - if we're so 'at the end' of that being good - that 'end' changes! Or
can change. And there we can get to yet another end - but - at that point, once figured 'endfully enough' its sortof ... well ... not that big of a deal anymore!
Uhm, where was I? Oh yea - to get it right you have to so 'put' Light into that Darkness - for once - but to then 'really' get it right you have to get a right
measurement for it. And that ultimately is something thats not a thing about looking into the future, but a thing of 'the now'. So, people can't really "devote" into
raping me if they've constantly kindof got to watch out for or foresee an end to it. And so, as we progress, the 'but' is the actual bad thing! The idea of speaking
in terms of 'for life' or 'forever' is in deed meant to express things as for on that Level! So as far as personal adjustments are concerned; Yea, I repeat it; There
is no 'but' to my Misery. Even so in this life - and even so if it isn't supposed to start that way! And yea, while there is Love overriding their sadism, well, I'll
take it! What other choices I have?
Then its I guess best to say that these 'exeptions' are essentially 'secrets' - and so is the thing: They are as though they're not there (except that this world isn't
really the ideal place to ... have that luxury of ignorance) - and first and foremost this 'withdrawal' is to help us focus/home-in on what matters; And thats how we
enjoy our lives!
Now - those that have to expect getting throwin into Hell might argue that they wont get there because God can find some place for them to do their mischief - but I
think ... thats not what He'll do! It doesn't cope well with me! To them it might be "Just because ... bla bla bla?" - but to me its already the beginning that ... so,
that they refer to "those things" along the lines of "Just because ... ?" - while yea, if they find someone willing to join their crazy world - ... do I come accross
like I'm willing to be a victim to their banding together to make others feel miserable? I mean, fine and yea, in the end I'm not the judge - so do I really not want
to set a foot into issues like 'what' "those things" are (that will take them there) - but the way I understand it God has His plan/idea of what to do with whom - and
I don't see it being wrong! God has very simple criteria for us to get into heaven - and there is no fucking way to sneak past those guardians! Its just a thing! You're
free to go wherever you want to go; Well, with certain restrictions of course! And so, thats as easy, simple and fair as it gets! We all have to pass those checkpoints;
And if you're just being too stubborn to even try - and our/Gods efforts won't help it - then well, it cannot be helped! I guess its so a thing about "them" - that they
expect they can get through with everything; Including that they'll laugh at us saying "no we don't!" and feeling somewhat good about it; Where next I see that this
might just refer to their attitude that they are not all that stupid, I mean, they don't want to do any mistakes - regarding their own way of things; Which they will,
we have to suppose, pursue even once we'd say all scores have been settled and everything is good; So, banding together and moving in war against New Jerusalem. And so
is there a central perspective - facing them straight on - seeing how thats the same ol same ol thing they try to do - even times after times and times again. We might
want to repeat this - like a "running Gag" in heaven; And maybe the one or the other will have found their steps moving off that track - but we can't really make it
too easy for them either! And as we grow older - we want to really actually enjoy heaven - we can't always look back at them - so, 1000 years are a good start, then
maybe it'll be 10.000, then a hundred thousand ... I mean - what can we do? Let them have it their way? Please not! I mean, we might be good and compassionate and
forgiving and all that - but I believe that those aren't standard properties of the most of us! We're adapting those ideals because, well, duh! Respect! Love! Sanity!
( ... ) and sorry if these words upset them! I mean - hey ... I kid ye not ... its awful! Its like they're somewhat allergic against good advise - its like humiliation;
Well ... its not a difficult twist to understand how that relates to their superiority complex - but so yea - thats the problem!
The finality of that problem is that God just and simply is the one who's really superior; And they seem to however have a problem accepting that; Its ... like the
only way they can accept God is if He would bow to their will. He gave them more than just the entire hand on that - more than all of us would say is reasonable -
but yet enough is enough! And because thats the final problems, all their other philosophies and justifications (well, sorry! Its still just bullcrap to me!) and
what not is ... pointless! Its ... crap! Its worth nothing! Its just noise in the wind - or - in the TV, soemthing we might bear for a while but ultimately we'd want
to get rid of it! Its like the transition from whatever we had prior to it to HD. Originally those low-res low-quality videos, standard TV, "VCR Quality" was perfect
enough; 1024x768 was 'the ultimate' - High Tech High Res - top notch, ... and while there are still things where that 'low def' is OK and reasonable or perfect, in
general ... well ... HD is HD! And so God is just being the Judge, the Power, the Force - all good for a while, but really good in the aftermath! And so - whatever
is wrong about them will be delivered unto them; Like ... a mirror. The more superior they want to be the more inferior they will actually be! And for reasons like
that I want to ignore them, well knowing that they'll ignore these things first! Kindof. I mean - hehe! They can't ignore this yet! So ... thats something of an
upper hand I got there!
What sucks the most that these things yet have an impact or influence on my ... thing! They, yea, are a really nasty bunch - and the more capable I become at giving you
"the full dose" - the more nasty they get to be as well! The worse thing is to let this influence, or perceived influence, take away from us. I mean yea, they have
something of an advantage in that I'm easy to make fun of! So we might wonder: Should we try to avoid that? But if we really want to do the best we can in response to
their idiocracy we have to follow the internet rules of dealing with Trolls! Ignore them! If we adjust to them, we're sortof living our lives and arranging our world
around them! We'll stop doing what we want to do because of them! They'll have to learn that they are morons; And we have to live for ourselves. On the flipside I
believe that you might need both. A positive picture of me - well knowing that its only for the sake of appearances. And I'm sure that by the time you as 'crowd' are
at the point of saying that its enough, we'll already be a step ahead of you!
I mean - God has His ways of making it so! We ... looking for harmony with Him ... we'll ultimately and inevitably express this Harmony which includes His Harmony with
everything that is being somewhat integrated into everything ... sortof, clearly!
And so I effectively want to bear my enslavement into Hell with pride; Which kindof sortof means: Humiliation. In hindsight there isn't much I can do - more like the
only thing I 'can' do is being incapable of doing anything! I want to be infused with the Torments of Hellfire - to be a worthy Bride of Satan/the Devil! Or, we might
say, a worthy counterpart to God! Where He's Light, I'm Darkness; Where He's male, I'm female. That kind of gist.
Where He's dominant, I'm submissive; Though ... we're yet all one happy family!
Because I'm only human after all, or rather because its an eternal state of existence, I expect to never end learning to fit into that role - and if something is wrong
about that statement then that I didn't refer to myself as divine. That determines my life as purpose driven; And the possible drawbacks will be countered by corresponding
gains - like - being effectively like a Godess. One that however doesn't rival God, but rather opposes Him; Like He opposes/opposed me by making my origin story that of
being cast into Hell for good! Though to avoid confusion we may have to say: 'Realm of Darkness'.
Those that worship me the right way do channel those powers that keep me in my misery - and effectively add to my suffering by doing so; And their gain from that will be
a similar joy in it as mine! Those that thereby need me to have a cock they can suck are my slaves - or sisters - or mistresses effectively; Saying they have a closer
relationship to me as diety and dedicate more thoroughly to that lifestyle!
Well - now I got a neat picture. While I previously tried to wrap it up in some sense - this ones the best so far. Regarding a public presence of my suffering, a general
reaction would/should be like "Oh no!" or "Not again!" - where I, entertainment wise, would rank in somewhere along the lines of regular nonsense that people might find
hard to watch but somehow can't really want to be out of the system. I'm a prisoner of my mind; And it would be silly to not show that!
Thats the way I'm going, and slowly I'm leaving those other premises behind!
This "weird bad" feeling I was mentioning earlier is really good at supporting that. Its effectively more than just a feeling. Imagine ... I mean, you got yourself, you
got your heart, and you sortof have to agree that its all ... "transparent" ... there is little solidity to it (the emotional piece) - its flowing, things are flowing
through it; And this weird bad feeling is like a dry ball of dirt instead of that, in the same spot. Emotions all of a sudden don't flow anymore - and generally it feels
like having reached a bottom. It does often occur once I've spent some fair amount actually loving what I so love - so that the first impression is that I've had enough
of it. But essentially its the impression that I've had enough of it "for now" that spawns it - which makes it so that a more conscious step forward is required to actually
'break it'. In consequence I'm essentially having something like an upper limit, and that upper limit is beyond what I originally thought would be enough. Then it appears
once my mind is playing crazy; I mean; Where I'm trying to understand what happens within me if I take the idea that I'm just crazy more seriously. So - once I'm beyond
the break-point and think like I don't want any more of it; That feeling occurs again. Its certainly interesting! I mean - in that regard its interesting like a documentary
about something extraordinary, or animals or deep space. The point being: What is 'will' - what is the significance of free will and all that? And well, there are multiple
layers of wanting. There is that immediate wanting - or so: The impulse of wanting/actions - and if I work against that, in that situation, I get to something else I want -
where, no matter how depraving or saddening or such it may be - that what I want there is actually feeling GOOD - its a Kink thing. I will however then most likely also
look respectively - thats: I'll look as though I'm adjusting my mind to only 'bear' what is happening; Which is effectively what I'm doing. What I get in this state of
having adjusted is however positive - although its thoroughly persuaded by negativity - negativity that in this context however feels right, positive, good, well, perfect;
Even if it isn't one of those brighter, more awesome climactic lights. Its awesome on a more existential Level. Or metaphysical. Metaconscious? "Subjective", but not
illusive. Maybe delusive - but so is a fundamentally absolute trust in God we might say since we can't really 'know' that He'll be good forever! Its ... where details
like that are insignificant though. Maybe I'm missing, in all of this, that my conscious awareness/presence can't ultimately be kept tied to this misery in a sense ...
well, if I'm suffering - and you'd so get a bad feeling about it - I'm actually obligated to show that there is nothing wrong with it!
Which is a matter for the Slut in me!
To those that I Love: I just 'saw' something, suggesting that, well, ... I guess in first place this is to say that not all of those that I Love are "Illuminati" - like -
knowing God as I do - give or take - so, they, or at least some of them, are quite like the rest of you; Or me; In that they still have 'that way' ahead of them. I guess
Megan is the prime candidate here! The way I see it, they however are 'at the right spot' once they have words like "OK, so I'll "dig that" as hard and as much without
remorse as I can" - with a feeling that suggests that the truth even goes further beyond that! The feeling is what matters - and at this point in time we might want to
keep special attention on them (feelings). The feeling ultimately is to carry that intention - and thats effectively a general twist or rule. That is not to be mistaken
with feelings ... or ... is it? I mean - at the very least are feelings one of the more general tools of God to communicate with us - and in Unified terms there are a
whole lot of different kinds of feelings; As various things mentioned so far should suggest. Especially when it so gets to intimacy its incredibly helpful to have a way
to 'transcend' the worded presence of an idea - and to so basically 'inherit' it emotionally. So, it here isn't the 'verbal idea' that should carry the emotion - but its
the emotion that should carry the 'verbal idea'. And so they/you will find that if you follow these apparently 'too' horrible feelings - horrible in regards of whats
expected to come from it - that they yet expand into - well - Love! If it were a porn that should show that, thats the point where the Domina who tortures her slave also
kisses it, for instance. So, the passion of torment mixing with the passions of Love. This is the way of things 'because' ... first things first! So, thats the reason!
If you so held Love in the one hand, and torment in the other, its like a 50:50 thing - split attention, unfocussed awareness ... while if you combined them, one thing
has to ultimately come first; And that will basically dominate the rest. So - essentially you can forget what I said and let that come to you independently. Thats not
a bad idea at least!
Finding that truth within you is what this clarity stuff is all about! What I so can tell you is, well, its almost a cliche, only to show you the way - or the direction
sotospeak. Once the society is strong enough things can also flow a bit differently; As essentially it doesn't matter that much what comes first - the right action or
the right insight. And that is also true for my child-identities that are born as subjects to rape and all that. Once I get to that point, well, there is no way it can
or could turn out wrong in hindsight! So, then I'm there for a given purpose that shouldn't be missed out on!
That is then, I guess, something we could call "deep Satanic Bullshit" - I mean - the reason why Child-Abuse would begin to matter is because these "immersions" have
evolved to a certain degree that just demands for more; That so primarily for the criteria of the respective perfection. Right now the idea of however growing up as a
girl feels strange though. While - there is one thing ... oh, well, that was up there regarding incest. The question of whether I'm into Satanism just due to a thrall
for Monica. I guess its safe to say that that isn't the case! It may have been so ... though it originally wasn't a thought I welcomed or found attractive ... that this
spiritual presence of her in my mind demanded me to become a Satanist - also ultimately being my intimate handle (I so thank her for that) - there is another demand
which I however quite can't ... embrace - which is that of being a 'real' "Motherfucker". The only way I could really embrace that is in regards to my 'Prismatic
Partners' meeting the criteria of 'real enough'. I mean; If she wanted me to somehow get Hypnotized or something making me truely believe without the shadow of a doubt
that she is my Mother - well - I'd be more than just pleased!
Its also somehow what my entire gender crisis revolves around. I just can't - no matter how much I ... only can be that tormented whore - get over it! Or ... denie it,
or ... such. But there is a way nonetheless - which is however hers to sustain. I mean, the desire is nearly identical, though a little weaker, than feeling her cock
in me. But while I was encouraged to really emphasize the 'trueness' of these my male desires - In totality I find myself incapable of accepting it/them!
Though - I guess I'm out of my mind here! So yea - its not only "male desire" - and I guess if I fail on that then because I handle(d) it like that. Its Love interest,
romance, ... 'true love' - but its really just a portion of my mind. I'm however really feeling helplessly confused here!
Maybe its just because I inherantly cannot believe that it won't be a thing she likes as well. Its essentially a pivotal aspect of my feminization!
The problem 'must be' that I legitimately cannot want it - that all those ties that keep me into submission are as effectively real as that - ... that I really can't ...
I just can't! And that is what I/my mind is/am exposed to 'all the time' - so - naturally I've made my peace with it and hence I really can't want it! I can say that I
would/might enjoy it; But thats kindof as far as it gets - though, maybe I am even forced to counter such statements - to not leave it standing there like that! And
regarding those 'unhappy hindsight' things - right now it feels like I have to go one step further! I have to demand that it won't be happening! I have to demand being
turned into an obedient pet/rape-slut/whatever right away. But then - demanding her to be my Mother and that to the point of me becoming a 'real' Motherfucker seems like
... its effectively OK! I mean, as far as I can tell thats what she wants!
And I guess it will be easier for her to really get the most out of it/things/everything if she's - in this regard - doing as I say/said. No reverse psycho bullshit or
keeping things in the open. So no - ... but yes! But no! So ... yes! I have to take back that I'd be fine with not having some good times with her; Good as in 'exceptional'
or ... "my Harem"-like. Kindof, while, that might go a bit too far! Its I guess a unique situation that justifies/demands for unique solutions!
And yea, that will yet ultimately be(come) my decent into Hell! Strangely enough I see the good of that good (good) stuff 'through' her quite literally; So, I get a sense
of loving myself by seeing how she Loves me - and am ultimately happy as I see her being happy about it! And for the rest of you - I guess you see some good in this too;
Like ... its somewhat bold; While essentially it seems like none of them would respond well to me demanding them - yet so much easier that they might just use me because
being sadistic is somewhat easier! But so - first things have come first; So - still missing: The first isn't the only thing that there is!
I guess you all had to see that coming! But it was important nonetheless to put it into the right context! So, its not a way of saying: "Woops, all the other stuff was/is
Bullshit!"; And thats why that other stuff will also ultimately have to happen! Maybe as a matter of lifetimes. I mean - I believe I have like three Women to basically
live a 'condensed lifetime' with (so, not too short however) during which I have time to work on my software. Firstly there is Cindy and then Megan - as in the Chronoligcal
Order - as in those impressions my software stuff was clearly whats been on the screen. Gillian however - thats something I believe is more general - as something integral
to my male lifetime with her - once she's my Mother at least! That this is missing with Monica is good; Because - it means - well - I'm not wasting any time pretending I
have anything better to do! Yea well - ignoring Video Games - sometimes its better to just keep that thing (the computer) off! Its ... yea ... I have way too little of that
and that mostly because I have this pressing urge to fill my time productively. And its not like I have that much else I can do actually, per se and after all!
After all this "final twist" should also help towards a paradigm shift regarding partnerships - the so called 'ideal' - and if there will be, as I suppose there has to be -
sortof, visual proof of those good times - you might just see how 'krass' the contrast between me and ... Keanu Reeves maybe really is! I mean, I'm the slim type of Nerd,
to not say skinny. I barely reach 60 kilos; On 1 meter 83 cm height! And 60 kilos is like already a lot for me. I'm not throwing it up - but - I just can't eat as much as
that I'd gain any weight! Not at this rate however! Maybe that in part because I'm tricking myself by not drinking all that much so I won't become hungry all that much so
I don't have to constantly buy food - but all that food also kindof makes me sick! I mean - I for instance can't concentrate after I've eaten; Which is another reason why
I would try to uphold that situation of not eating; But I also don't have a clear concept of what stuff I really need; Although ... our bodies can be quite amazing. I mean,
well, it might sound a bit weird or silly; "Too normal"; But OK, I need a bit more Vitamins right now. My body rings that bell - and so I know, OK, time for spending a little
more for a little bit more quality in my lifetime. So, tomatoes, salad ... ... so, I'm not actually helpless in that regard; Although; A little bit of help would be great!
I mean, fixing a good meal is something ... I ... I mean, I am looking forward to managing my time a bit better ... so, ... well - lets ... its not that important anyway!
On a closing note - I believe its also nice to note that life is complex; And that evolution back or forth; Growth whatever it may be; Life is confined in circles - ours
at least; So, these good things won't ever go away I guess. A Lifetime here, a lifetime there. The thing with complexity just is, well, as you grow older; And I guess I mean:
really old; ... you can - once you're young (but not too young I guess) - relate to Zen as something like peace and harmony on base of seeking isolation and meditation; Avoiding
external influences and finding home and peace in indepndent, individual, fortitude; But ... once you grow older that concept of Zen will kindof need more stuff around it to
be really fulfilling. So does complex in the end not say that its complicated or convulated - but that there is 'more' (and that possibly a lot of) to consider! And the
promise of eternal evolution on the other end doesn't ultimately say we have to save things for later - so, its just that 'the later things' will be 'better' because we're
different by then - somewhat! And those changes don't come just like that - those are the changes that happen over the course of time while we're not bothered by somewhen
being any different! Is that right? Well, I guess not perfectly! Changes like that can come with a snap - as God wants - but I guess allowing us to evolve organically is the
best way for God to show us that we aren't 'toys' for Him - sortof. I might be - to the extent I'm personally fine with it. Sometimes sudden changes just happen as well;
I guess its important for us, sometimes - where we can also understand that its those parts that observe that change and recognize it that then matter. So - well - maybe we
are like Sims, so, God playing "Normal life, Normal World" - but yea, life is more complex than that!
But well - to the fullest extent of my male ideals - Amanda would get larger breasts - and Gillian supposed to show everyone what kind of a dirty slut she is 'for me' - and
just for me! To everyone! There's eventually just too much stuff to write about - but sometimes also just not enough to make it worth the while. Its strange that its more
difficult to convince me that Megan is supposedly more to be like a legitimate Girlfriend to me than those previous things! Just by the way!
Thats something that emotions can do though - for a fact! And though I believe I'm a little bit biased (I'm trying to unbias myself though) - I guess its still true that
we need to think in the right ways before the right emotions can come to us! Thats sometimes, or more often than not, more difficult; And other times, and that like closer
to never, less difficult! Yea, I mean, what is 'the right way'? It were always easy if there is just one universal right way for everyone to everything - but life is more
complex than that! And thats why its always a good/better idea to chill; Though sometimes we just have to dare that step; Which obviously will finally be easier to do than
to say! And so I'm ultimately kindof glad that I can look forward to some really really good times - easy times. Over and Out!
4. AND MY
WAY
BACK
OUT
As I suggested, that negative hindsight feeling isn't coming (oh, well, sorry, not over and out at all - yet) anymore - I mean, it wasn't; But there's something else. A - or
the - more elaborate feeling of freedom that constitutes a counter stance to what else I'm all about. Its strange to notice how that comes as I delve deeper and deeper into
the opposite, although, not that much of a surprise/weirdthing it is. I mean - these moments 'help' me establish a more and more legitimate counter stance - to the point that
I'm moved to deflect all that dark stuff and try to see it as hostile activity.
From this standpoint its as you might suggest from the other writing where I mentioned "that 'abyss'" - that these dark things are there because of something like a sinkhole
in my heart. For the quick story, well, I have trust in Monica. If you've read the Light Version of this then you also got to the end where I iterated on the 12 Aeons writing
about Miracles; And I believe she's amongst those more deeply rooted in the legitimate Christian community - where similar to the things that make me believe in Teleportation
and Metamorphosis I have some memories that put her into a position further beyond doubt than constituted by true love things.
Then she's got the power to fly, the power to become invisible to the naked eye - and thats really weird to state I guess. Those things did however not happen in a "Hey look,
here I am, I can fly!" kindof way, but actually in a "In time you'll remember this and kindof sortof undersatnd why this had to happen" way. I'll get to that later. Effectively
though it might even get weirder than that.
I mean, we after all sit at the source while the opposition, well, has to deal with some Demo-Version.
I so however still can't really move away from all that true love clarity stuff I wrote about so far, though I do have to increasingly put a higher emphasis on the Light Side
sotosay. Essentially, to the outside, what happens here/now should look as though my mind simply works itself out of the misery it fell victim to by finding to the bottom of
it - and if I have to judge that 'weird feeling' from this perspective; Then I'm supposed to not go 'beneath the surface' but to build on it as to "grow up" - effectively.
It would seem like the Antichristians tried to get me onto their side - that they somehow achieved something, totally screwing me up to some extent, but I still think its a
"the Last Unicorn thing", which refers to the Fake Horn that the witch gave the Unicorn, not actually knowing that its a real one. I guess that explains a few minor issues I
basically don't even really recognize - simply because their influences aren't strong enough to even become a thing. At least - I ... I perhaps even did outgrow that for the
most part if not entirely.
For the most part I'm sensing confusion in this regard - while prior to that confusion its been some "ecstatic" joy about how well my mind organized a logical compound around
the sexual attractions I've been "exposed to" - which is maybe why they also did have reasons to believe that my detachment from them should resolve itself sooner or later.
At this point I have another half-truth "be comfortable with it" version of the thing, "if it helps you: ...", but I really don't want to go that way right now because
these are essentially a legitimate problem. Its mostly the mind digesting the stuff thats been written, though this digestion basically tries to find an approximation of the
mindset - thus carrying the "object" like water carries a boat. The more weight I put onto the boat the deeper it sinks - and technically the goal is to submerge it.
So, as your mind does its thing there is the suggestion that this submergence is actually wrong - and thats constituted by things I don't really want to tinker with. We can
have a consensus on the matter in that we're having different mind-sets; Thus different waters that do differently relate to the object. You don't have to, or actually you
even shouldn't, try to change your mind to match mine - but you have to do some redirecting of your minds light. So - instead of submerging that boat - you have to defocus
that object and focus on it by 'bending/breaking' your reference to it through 'me' - so - you have to realize that its my divine harmony wherein that boat is getting
submerged - which will also ease your pain in that you can achieve a better result, cognition wise, by dealing with less information.
Then, for the more obvious metaphor of "sinking the ship" you'll have to/may trust "them" - uhm, that here means "my people" - sorry for even mentioning the other 'them' -
at which point details are also matter of fact less important. In your 'positive' mind for instance you'd otherwise be the person to submerge me - though your digestion
ultimately leads you to relax, your Love becomes active and you'll relate to me as based on what is true for you - so - you can there compare my Kink to a ride in a
roller-coaster; Where your mind is finally OK with "beholding me" at the point where the ride is over and you're so wanting to help me out of the cart. Although I might every
now and again be in that situation; My rollercoaster is however effectively what you'd consider normality; Although to the 'critical end' the ship won't sink until some point
it will then be sunk deliberately.
The reason why I will ultimately stick to this truth is because I cannot make out any deeper emotions or feelings or appearances or anything - nothing remotely as dominant
and wholesomely understanding me inside out - nothing that even in the slightest 'knows me as well' and therefore that perfectly catering to the totality of my being.
If you really want something helpful then you should watch some Hentai flicks and believe that 'the joy is real'. Ride of the Valkyrie, Hime Dorei - well yea - I guess Hime
Dorei is relatively uncomplicated, easy and especially harmless considering its yet rather nasty content. I mean, its surprisingly 'ungross' - somehow. There are two Episodes
and they sortof cover all the important grounds well enough I feel.
So, back to emotional illnesses. The projected sadnesses you can perceive in the first episode fades over into excruciating self exposition in the second - which in real
life is constituted through the fact that the sadness - projected like tears that the spirit sheds into the inner core of the being - would constitute a somewhat agonizing
feeling/emotion to others - yet basically being dewdrops of Light to people like me. It means those dewdrops essentially nourish the initially barren ground (that nothing
else can reach, effectively) and thus even producing fruits; Which we might express as 'self captivation'. And therefore certain 'adjustments' are effectively coherently
natural. The barren situation in those terms is the simple fact that this state of '"internal fertility"' is constituted through given Insights - activities or perceptions -
which aren't inherantly a part of the blanks mind (blanks but still not neutral ... uhm, still the individual) - so these things don't exist yet; They first have to be
introduced to the mind - which inherits that the amount of stuff that obscures that situation is basically irrelevant. So, putting such an individual into an extremely
opposite situation - say, a royal heritage social constitutions upholding pride, honor, ... all sorts of 'good stuff' does not quite actually feed the individual into an
inherantly positive manner; Say, the positivity is an artificial projection, we might say bias that is acknowledged for a lack of better understanding the full image.
Hence the so called 'fall from grace' isn't truely an act of violation regarding the individual, but an act of violation regarding its intellectual constitution; One that the
individual can't/won't truely reject because the grounds will always lust/yearn for "being watered". The 'real charm' is therefore not the aspect of self-degradation or
from the other perspective forced submission; But a sustainance of the nourishing situation. Depending on how much 'the fall from grace' is important to that - or however
contemporarily important to the individual - the individual will seek to uphold whatever sustains that fall; And respectively the individual has some Level of control regarding
the perception of those situations - as aligning to it, discarding the "systems of sadness" for instance. The violence I would say is simply something thats essentially the
Universal 'rain' - less dewy but also less illusive. Some like it more, others less, and that ultimately fans into the many sub archetypes between dominant and submissive
or whatever. Independence and selflessness.
I am not masochistic - though I am something ... similar - and I understand it now. I'm addicted to sadness. Whenever I've had to cry I've secretly enjoyed it - though - to
really get that joy something specific has been missing. You know what I mean if you've been reading the upper parts and been paying attention; Though - its not an essential
breakaway from the practice - it could even still be delivered in the same 'mean' ways. Effectively all it takes is an emphasis of the situations positivity, or well, some
hints that have to however resonate with the reality inside. And so it is that its not actually the 'vile act' itself - but that 'resonance' - which means that whatever there
is to an individual may as well extend beyond these 'core things'; And has some influence onto the individuals all over emotional health; ... and well ...
The reason why I would from hereon out stress a generally 'hard course' into 'the abyss' instead of focussing away from it (attaching to the initially mentioned positivity)
is because I feel some 'unnatural pain' that goes away as I do so/think into that direction. But that might also just be a growing stress hinting at me looking that way to
find something I forgot. I had something about 'the succumbing' on mind. But I actually really hate to break the flow in order to do some backtracking - as I then essentially
end up adding tiny tidbits that I don't really feel fitting in all that well. It also makes me feel like walking in circles while I'd prefer to move on.
By the way (yea, uhm) - I'd be the blonde or the "red"head - though every Character there has a bit of it.
So - thinking of the inner growing as less 'plantlike' and more organic - the situation of my current lifetime is that I have a shell that is constituted through a variety of
things. I guess the best way to point that out is in the realization that while I was a prostitute and was in the middle of the perfect situation to enjoy and explore all of
my Love for being there/that - I was more busy trying to sophisticate the opposite in me. Ultimately the inner truth however kept/keeps growing - and the two sides are now
essentially in battle. The 'growth' has thereby reached a Level in which it seeks to more and more violently break that shell - and that odd feeling somehow sneaks into that
leaving me to realize it as something thats less simple as so far concluded. What I mean is for instance that I know, inherantly, backed up by experiences, that I cannot
ultimately break that shell since the product is me simply being lost to satisfying myself - which after all isn't really that much of a fulfilling situation. Hence the actions
of 'tearing the dome down' effectively just shrinks everything in a sense of 'the ground' pulling itself up - which increases the awkardness of my situation developing some
desire that tries to pierce the darkness of the overcoming hopelessness manifesting in hopes that something will ultimately break that situation.
Hence the only legitimate alternative I have is to ponder upon this freedom, the "Lightness", what as you might expect is however not all that fulfilling as it might appear to
be. In essence these Light/Bright/'Good' (not the bad stuff) things only really feel good while I'm for instance still in bed pondering upon things as to get ready for the day.
Its like charging up - in the sense that this also depletes over time and at the end of the day leaves me in the same way as all the other days - going back to bed with the
"most horrible" of wishes and desires. Except, well, sometimes some "male flickers" also tie in.
And this is effectively the cycle as it repeats itself constantly - and therefore, well, I guess this wraps it up! Sortof.
Whats left to mention about the Light stuff is also basically just - well, the same - though the repetition ... yea well. Things narrow down each turn until its eventually
literally there - and, yea, I got - you'll eventually have similar issues - used to it basically being this way. Its practically comparable to the indirect collision of two
celestial bodies, so, they'll spin around and before they finally colide they'll take closer and closer turns around each other. It can't extend too far from the subjective,
established truth. So, there's two sides to it I believe. For once I however can't really use it as a 'but' - I mean - the things I got there may eventually bother me to a
point of something like an escape; But once its more like part of my natural equilibrium its rather evident that ... I mean, on the other side there is a hard-counter, kindof,
I mean, getting disrespected there doesn't cause a negative experience.
Theres more like temporary 'real' sadness - but my 'abyss' does effectively feel fulfilling or rather wholesome, complete, all surrounding. Still the prospect of never ever
ever getting out of it doesn't feel right either! ... 'But'. Lets say I'm a waterworld with a submarine ecosystem. That occasional 'difference' is more like occasional ice;
And it is mystically populated; But I guess the only way I can really really properly regard it is that God says that it cannot be removed or killed - at least not yet!
And done! Now I ... feel like theres nothing left to add - or - nothing I want to add. Except maybe that my passion for games might never end! Thats the kind of stuff that
will keep growing - and eventually has to surface; I mean - it might not be creativity; And circumstances might provide that I can't stand it too much or only specific things,
but yea - thats the direction that increases the Light Level positively. So - its barely even noteworthy but still a fine ... its annoying me! The major plot point is anyway
that my "darkness" lives of a past Light - and essentially the memory is so more significant than the active experience. Anyway - at the time being its a thing; And by the
time the other side is a thing, this time is going to be long past - so, it doesn't really matter anymore. But the big idea is that I'll ultimately repell that - as part of
the finite things that just happen - and then its all gone!
(PS: I am though one of the smaller whores - simply because I'm more passive; Or less "voluntary"/compliantly in for it. Gold Level - one beneath Platinum. Platinum is though
I'd say also more rare and exclusive - while this exclusivity also iterates into general attraction of that kind.) / Sunday, 24th of July, 2016 ad | 03:38 a.m.