What it means or feels like to be a Whore

And ... uhm ... "what my John" is about! ;)

I for instance have come to label myself as Sissy, Faggot and Diva - and if you're getting from that, that I'm one of those feminie acting guys/gays/tranny-folks, well - you're getting the totally wrong thing.
Another thing is that for the longest time I would have picked Jean Grey from the X-Men to so be my pseudo-Avatar for my female side; But at some point, yet I also forgot and at some point recalled it, that became Ivy from Soul Calibur. What I'm saying is, both are still not 'Peach' from Mario Brothers, for instance. The one least abstract to my current appearances would/could/... be Lulu from Final Fantasy 10 though. Yet I don't have any patterns of behaviour that are the result of being a very talented Magic User. Edea ... hmmm - same thing.

Saying Sissy or Faggot to myself I wanted to address a certain vein in myself that means to be exposed as female, though its obvious that I'm not. Kindof. Hard to tell - and so - instead of focussing on that sort of trouble I want to focus on how to generally avoid such. And what I get at first is that we shouldn't look forward to/into those things from the perspective of making people look ridiculous.
Although ... being humiliated is one of my Kinks ... you should be(come) capable of seeing a Kinky humiliation being unequal to a social/public humiliation.

Uhm ... but no, I don't want to get into any details on that.


Meanwhile I can also add Para/Meta/Sub/Super Religious things to that. Like being a Satanist. You have to understand that I'm vastly alone, certainly regarding those things, and so - most of my 'thing' about it is ... well yea: "In my imagination", but saying: "A reality that takes place between the Divine and my psyche" would also be OK!
The thing is ... recently I've been a bit sick and felt about all that as though I've lost touch with reality or myself - and so I was praying, wondering like, well: Considering that I don't really comprehend these Satanism things, that I can't really dig them for myself, means ... something; But ... what happened is that this feeling came over me as though a blankett was layed over my freezing body by a loving Mother.
Or Father for that case.
And yea, I would definitely say that 'the Right Religion' is about feeling well/harmony with God! But God did have something else up His sleeves too. First I was turned on by some woman licking my pussy - which tickled/teased my dominant female part that is not much different from my female whore part - uhm, so it ultimately went down that road. That is because: 'Wholesomeness'! Yea! Its not like my dominant and my whore part are two totally separate things. They are connected by 'the wholesome' - and the reason why I'm a whore and not a Domina is that the whore part is significantly larger.
What makes me a whore?

Its a weird question. Starting to be more accurate on what my words can be understood for, it isn't really the 'making' that I'm concerned of. I make myself a whore as far as I'm concerned there. I mean, to allow 'creative freedom' to be applied on understanding my yet very specific things is kindof wrong!
But so - getting touched, by (a) drooling pervert(s) - something I know is too creepy for some to give into, is for me totally awesome. Hands tearing beneath my clothes, or onto my skin, touching me "dirtily", that kind of stuff, that to me feels good. And yea, I have the real life experiences to that.
Eventually it doesn't even matter who, when and how - and where - but depending on where my mind is at, I don't like it. Its a mood thing. But it isn't so that all suitors are the same either.
It was weird, recently, to get torn out of having almost fallen asleep, experiencing these familiar feelings that make me feel like a dirty cunt, with something of a body shaking headache - and being shocked about myself. I ... I enjoyed it, but ... I've missed a certain intellectual component about it. All of a sudden I had a complaint that my physical vagina wouldn't be capable of taking such huge cocks - and by huge I mean, well, it happened one time that I was ... kindof literally fucked at one point by two cocks that entered bottom and came out on top. Its ... you might call that a hallucination - and the experience certainly unequal to how it would feel like 'in reality' - but it still isn't an experience that is easy to come by.


I guess it makes sense to put it out there that most people that preach about 'propher human behaviour' really don't quite actually know what they're asking for. Like coming to work on time. Its ... to some people it seems unimaginable how people can be consistently too late; And they go as far as trying to address 'mutual respect' as a necessity; As though coming too late were just a matter of disrespect. "Nobody" thinks about the mind itself, what it does, how it works, what it looks for in life - and how that might have an influence.
But I tried - and I managed to (vastly) be in time; And how I managed that? If we can say that I managed it at all, then it still came along with sacrifices. And the reason why I'm skeptic about it is because those sacrifices were mostly unvoluntary. I can't come home at about 4 pm, sit down, to a bit of my stuff here; And enjoy my spare time. My spare time is usually just "whats left"; And once I'm taking a break I more often than not have actually no reason to enjoy it because I have more important things to do that keep calling me back.
What I'm saying is that 'work' - where getting up and to in time is required - needs to be motivating for once; And work that doesn't go well with ones remaining lifetime can't be motivating! Also: What the mind does the vast majority of the time will have an influence on what it does on what is less prominent on the mind - and trying to get that into our legal understanding meets those that have a really really hard time ... coping with ... uhm, that one guy was terribly mad calling 'us' "exotics" or something. And yea, we're all sitting in the same boat - and after all, we just have to totally re-arrange our lifetime. Thats what its coming down to in the end - and if we're generalizing that unto the point that it doesn't matter 'what' our work will be, we're gonna have a hard time arguing against that; And also against any other 'random act of demands'. I call it a 'random act' because there is no sense of differentiation between work.

The really simple way 'for me' is to look at myself and wonder about what God has given me. I have talents - I am gifted - and despite what you all might think about them; They make me a good philosopher and at that very good with the Holy Scriptures; Understanding them the way it matters. Thats it. But still, once I point on 'that verse' and say ... - well, I wouldn't even get to say anything further because all I sodding do is point on some random Bible verse and 'everyone can do that'. And thats where a general lack of differentiation is like the crust of a very very sore problem of our society today. There 'freeodm of belief' is not because we haven't found the right one yet; But because it makes it so much easier to cover the truth beneath rubble.
And oh my - can you dig it, right here, how 'the Truth' is a really dangerous thing? Yea, why is it that the first thing people do is to worry that I'll use my version of the Truth to misguide everyone? There is no expectancy of a truely accurate, universal, simple Truth! We rather worry that it'll make us intolerant, that we'll persecute false belief; And thus giving power to a regime that is ... using that power to do whatever it wants.
Its a problem - no doubt - technically. But once you know where God stands, who speaks for Him; Then it really isn't that anymore! Then the case is simple; And anyone who has a problem with that is technically required to make his/her stance 'against God' public and clear.
I guess there are Antichristian hardliners that go like: 'Accepting a way because it is the way of God is not acceptable. Bias bla bla ... etc.'. But a neutral asessment isn't possible either because why would they give up on their 'lead' in having people at their ballsacks? Uhm ... lets skip this topic!

If you have to think about 'Thor', when I say "Son of Thunder", it you can't picture how I'm a whore - try to forget Thor at first! Or any other kindof imagery you have on mind regarding what I should look like. I know someone on the internet who is quite similar to me when it gets to ... having an authoritative oppinion. The name of the guy is ironically 'John' ... John Bane, a.k.a. Total Biscuit a.k.a. the cynical Brit. I like what he does too, by the way. In some sense: If you want me, minus the whore thing, you got him; Sortof. And if you know TB, you know that there is nothing wrong about his oppinion being authoritative. Maybe that can be biasing - I certainly recognize when I'm misled by my own self - but that is a matter of what we're talking about too. At first I have to say that there is, to my understanding, an intellect different to that intellect thats measured by IQ. We can at that point simply call it Understanding - and the reason why, if we want to keep it quantifiable, it 'works' -next to- IQ is because some thing require passion - or some other non-intellectual component to work. Intuition maybe. There's a lot of stuff I guess. When thinking about the Bible - the problem isn't much about Geometrical shapes and all that either. The logic is also entirely different because we have to assume that there is no strict Logic. To my oppinion you can't say that "this guy" is righter about the Bible because he has a higher IQ than I have. (Last time I checked I went one down from 117 to 116).
Its also getting clear to me once I'm working on my software. Logical skills may be a large chunk of doing that work - and in certain areas I lack those, no doubt - but all that intellect wouldn't serve jackshit if I had no vision about what I'm wanting to do! But at that point I'm a weird mix between Artist and Programmer.
And that does all summ up to me for once being a Whore primarily; And that all the other smarts I got are rather hobby than profession.
Which ... as Step 5 gets to, it doesn't say that I can't live a life dedicated to my hobby rather than my profession. I mean, I have a feeling of life which says that one lifetime is just a short short time! Without any hope for an "afterlife" life would to me, at this point, just be too damn depressing! I want to finish 'my stuff' - but if that were all I could ever do I'd shift delete it and look forward to dieing as a drug addicted whore.
Which is easier said than done I guess. At least there's still that gender alignment problem. Maybe I should look into crowd-funding; But I guess I can't have Sexual services in my promises.

But even so - if I'd do that - the thing is that 'in case' of an afterlife I have the feeling that I would also want to do other things.


Right now I'm caught up somewhere in-between. Mostly because to my perspective this didn't lead anywhere - I'm getting pessimistic about everything and thus I wonder what I'm even doing here! Every time I get to the point that I feel its time to address that this depth of the Gospel is important - I understand: Yea, its about that time again where I have to tell everyone that I'm a whore and nobody's gonna undersatnd it! (So why am I not just ... ?)

The reason why "a" TB wouldn't talk just like me, content-wise, is because of information. The dude needs something to talk about in order to talk. To me that is usually a matter of tension. I can be quiet most of the time. I realized that people are sometimes amazed how I don't say anything for a long time but then all out of a sudden 'boom' - discharge of thoughts. Even once I was not even really awake. I ... its like my inner eye opens up - while I'm sleeping - and understanding whats talked, if its important (to me), and keeps me waiting until I must get up. Its simply knowledge. The more I know about something the more seriously "authoritative" my oppinion is gonna be. And I'm not saying 'you must abide to my oppinion' - neither is TB - which is a little detail about what makes me think about him specifically.
I however tend to imagine how those folks that I liked/enjoy listening to, speak about these things; And me providing the right information is something that I see as one of the loose ends. So there was a theory I wrote about, didn't publish it; Being about how genes and the human spirit connected to it depend on each other - influencing each other - where the Genes are something like a key as to which human spirit is compatible - and the human spirit a key that determines how the genes come together; And I had the impression that some guy out there could really enjoy that information. A guy generally known for being obscene; Practically addressing a part of that guy that nobody, maybe not even he himself (although ...), thought even existed.

But thats beside the point. See, these YouTubers however are one prime example of "exotics" who made it. They can't be lazy though! OK, maybe they can - but still they have to do "so much" to remain/be successful. If laziness is simply a more lax organization of the schedule - well - well yea; Such concepts don't really fit together here. If what they do doesn't sound like legitimate work to you - I have an issue: I whitnessed so many Video Games referencing TB in some way, that its evident that people who work to a 'hard' regular schedule (working overtime is standard in the Video Game industry I hear) have some respect for him. What I'm saying his that if you aren't reached by what he does - it still doesn't say that nobody ever benefits from what he says. Or they. Say.
Relative to that I'd say that TB is a very positive influence in the whole Video Game "Underworld" - and its people like him that help people to get up and do something about the ignorance of our governments. He may be vastly interested in Video Games only; Thats his job; But even the Video Games world isn't always untouched from political nonsense!
Another guy I've come to respect for what he does on YouTube is China Uncensoreds Chris Chapel. He 'looks' more like the "me type of guy" - although not at all - but everything else is totally different. If you're looking for 'important' you might wanna check him out. Whats Fulun Gong?


What you might not know about me - or for that reason (King) David, Elijah and John (by the way, did you know that once westernizing the name David "natively" it reads just 'Dud'? Yea, I like (being like) the Dude! :P) - is that my male existence(s) usually revolve around me dealing with my male part; Where my life is kindof ... weird, usually. On the one side there is my own internal struggle with being a Dude; And on the other side there is me being just good as a dude.
I mean - having no power upon changing my Sex leaves me with what I am and what I can do - and usually I don't see how I 'can' do anything - so I'll just live. So, that picture of David sitting under a Tree shepherding while playing on his harp - thats that. People however will refer to me as a guy and thats an expectancy I can fulfill. That is then where God usually comes into play, asking stuff from me. However, he's not really asking me - usually - he's just putting me into circumstances and I'll kindof sortof just do the right thing(s). My life as David should however not be taken as 'that' much of a good example. Its a good example if you mean to delve deeper into the human psyche and ideological struggles, human reactions; That deeper kind of stuff.
I understand that after a certain point; Possibly my life as Eve was where that got fortified; I never did anything out of 'not believing in God' - even if I turned my back on Him - I always knew He was/is there (I'm also talking about my current life) and did what I thought was/is right. That makes it easy for God to make me do what He wants, for if I turn my back on Him, all He has to do is to 'strike' me; Which is though also addressing something about me that isn't really wired into the basics of what I am. And that can also annoy me - simply because He strikes me in a way that makes it hard for me to object although I would much prefer a little less drama and stress. What He has to strike me with is the insight I need to understand that in all the things I believe are right; He's still the superior mind! You can there trust Him and me being in the position to authoritatively impose that upon you; Or you can call that a special thing between me and Him - fact however is that this does a great deal to my self-esteem; Seing myself as THE Dude (not the one of the movie) - other than Him. I do feel like a Hero or secret weapon or Grand General; The one who is just super-epic when it gets to being Godlikely pure; And therefore getting the greatest respects from God in all of the Universes.
Even so that the moments where my flaws are in the foreground they feel like artificially hamfisted into the story just to make me look more human.
But I can't deny that whats there is there - which is however touching another interesting subject: So, if I'm THAT pure, how much does it take to corrupt me - and is it really good to take me to that point? I don't know, but it already feels like I've been subjected to corruption for centuries - and I'm starting to get annoyed about it. And the closest I've ever been to actually saying: Yea, now I want to be corrupt - was once I've seen a way to abuse that against all the wrongdoers. But being totally honest; Not trying to provoke a false image; I still have to add that I'm sometimes directing my anger against all of you. Giving a shit about whether you're innocent or not - which is where God simply has the greater patience with what I say is 'your' ... "stupidity". It starts when I feel you nagging at me - wanting me to do this and that; Be this and that; And I'm trying but you just don't get it because I'm still not what you want me to be! It then feels like a dead end - to me - there is nothing I can do; And then you wanting me to be super powerful discharges into a very deep agression against the entire human population of everything. Once it then gets to me - which means: I'm not really 'stiffening' on it - that its wrong I'm hiding into my own minds desolation - or, looking for the remotestest lonliestest most unreachable-est part of existence to spend the rest of my miserable existence there alone - just to be away from all of you. And that is a part of me that is ... actually a serious issue. If its a problem, well, I don't really know right now.
There is however some 'melancholy' to it - a certain sympathy for being depressed, or maybe even an addiction for feeling sad; That is in and of itself something that 'life' can totally take care of vanishing; Overshadowing it; but thats not how life/mind/heart works. I can be 'taken away' from 'that abyss' - but once I'm getting closer to that abyss, it still has its strong influence on me. You might refer to it as 'snapping'. I guess it isn't too much of an abstract thing. I mean, its more common than it is unique. Its like once we're getting so angry or mad that we're getting stuck in this anger or madness for the sake of being that. It doesn't even matter whether there is reason to it or not - and maybe that is just a consequence of the reasoning being too weird for us to handle. Or once we're feeling 'put into' being wrong, without any chance to escape, so we pick being wrong on purpose.

Whatever - I've grown away from 'snapping' - or so, arguing with God about what He's supposed to do or what the fuck it is that all these disappointments are about - and that quite some time ago as it allowed me to make 'real' progress. Or to 'grow up'. Which is however all stuff that a tight schedule doesn't fit into. Or a thing where God has His own schedule - or where the individual mind demands its own time.
I so was really naive when it got to Love. I was in the belief that Love itself is supposed to be a divine thing; That being in Love is a gift from God - where I "of course" thought my situation to be different from all those that have had their fair share of negative experiences with it; Totally not realizing that my experience was worse than any story I've ever heard. In the end that belief is still right I guess - and its still right that its the type of Love that determines when its that and when not - but this true kind of Love isn't a matter of strong emotions as far as I understand right now; Its a matter of ... understanding yourself and being a human individual at first - so that the then beloved one has a complete person to Love; And not someone who's just blindly driven by emotions.
But lets leave this topic for now; Or for good - for now.

This 'abyss of darkness' -in me- - to get back to that - is something that I have realized is practically my center; My 'inner peace' - my 'general harmony' - ... and that is possibly because the first thing I inherantly accepted in my existence was that my life sucks! There is that story I'll possibly come to tell - my impression of my true Love, how it came to be in the pre-terrestrial life, where I came from, etc. - and that from different perspectives. This perspective is for instance not focussing on my true Love, but on this 'acceptance'. And it are moments like this that confirm that story for me. Over and over again. That is - I realize parts of myself and they ultimately connect to it. Previously I had a hard time telling what it was, exactly, that made me experience the 'where I came from' as negative - so I was telling what I know. I was caught up between two individuals basially romancing each other with me as a victim in-between them. From this perspective I learned that their interactions - and we're basically talking of a realm defined by spiritual forces - took my freedom to unfold, I couldn't do what I wanted to because their influences demanded me - well, basically I felt like the two were getting off on each other by using me as a mask; Or a prism. I don't know how to accurately describe it - but I had to be a certain way to 'fit in' - and that being against my will basically made my life suck - and so I sunk 'into myself' and accepted that as reality.
Well, wow! That even means that demanding stuff from me is like my sensitive spot!
And trying to 'make me normal' - as in removing that sensitive spot from me - works once I have an intellectual basement to override those things; But once that basement collapses my heart is like a Black Hole consuming it all - even so on purpose.
The story goes on with God taking me out of that situation - and eventually 'meeting' someone else; My true Love. But before I go on with this story - there's something worth addressing up front. This isn't about saying that I'm allergic to demands - that we generally shouldn't demand things of each other, or even stop arguing that we have to adjust to 'reality' in order to become happy - there however is a point where that can be too much. Instead of however asking 'when' that point is reached; I want you to see the 'reasons'. I am - and I am myself - of course. What you see at first is a blank slate. So, if you look at me now - ignoring these things here - you'll see a guy that looks younger than he is, but is 32 years old; But that doesn't tell you much about my wisdom; Or lifetime experience. What did your average 30 year old guy experience in life? Homelessness? "Social exile"? And that isn't considering previous lives; Which we might even want to totally ignore because "too fucking weird!". But the truth is still the truth - and that you don't see on first glimpse! Well, not without being Unified with the All-Surrounding spirit at least. And what you see through this Unification is nothing I have to discuss here!
What I mean is that after all I have to deal with what I am; I have to grow up; (And yea, I take a little pride in being one of the few who can say that they've had a lifetime as King of something - and especially in being "the" King right next to/below Jesus); and thats a matter of me 'acquiring' things that help 'me' out. As my first problem is the Abyss - my first concern are things that help me deal with it. After all I'm a grown 30+ year old guy, I wouldn't say that I'm un-educated; And I have a lot going for myself to actually say that I'm possibly the most legitimate human being in this world! In easy: There is that which God has made me - and though I may be a whore; His emphasis wasn't solely on making me that! I guess its similar to us appreciating Animals that can do special tricks. And so there is that; That whenever you'd want to mock me for being a whore; There is everything else I got/am that can talk you against the wall and beyond!
The first thing I know that helps me deal with 'the Abyss' is however my true Love. 'She' is like the medicine I need. She was the first who gave me the feeling that someone cares about me - and the irony of her apparently not caring about me in this life is a different kind of care I have to accept exists for good.
After all - 'where I came from' can be considered a life of being sexually abused - which then turned me into someone who then loved to get sexually abused, ironically.
The problem, as I understand, was/is to find an existence that harmonizes with who/what I am - and living up to my true Loves care does give me a reason to grow beyond my internal sadness. But ultimately it cannot undo that this abyss exists. But it would also fail if it did 'handle me' disrespectfully.
Although being treated with disrespect is part of what I enjoy.
The irony of circumstances? Well - I guess we have to take a wider look at things first!

Whats there is there - at first. Although deletion of memories is a thing, obviously, our mind has something we might call 'subspace'. The best way to explain that is to draw references from the Universe itself. The way contemporary sciences describes it - there is a huge network of 'filaments' - so, fibers that connect huge galaxy clusters. I see those filaments as 'streams of gravity'. So, between two Galaxies there is a gravitational pull - something like a road where things that fly into it are basically attracted to stay on. As I understand that, in context of our mind, the matter is that even if we loose our memory, their gravity remains. I would even say that the loss of memory as we can experience it is just a withdrawal of Light - or an infusion with Darkness - to say: Its strictly artificial. It is God simply disallowing us to access memory - or somehow disconnecting our consciousness from accessing them; While our conscious growth eventually 'drops' into a 'familiar path' and that essentially makes us who we are. Having grown up as a boy with little to none interest for my internal depths made me establish the self-esteem of a boy born in the 80s - not a whore - but still each step of sexual growth did take me closer and closer to that.
What this abyss generally does is that it infuses me with a huge despise for life and existence - and in a Universe where good and evil are both more of a theme than a true ideological dilemma you might therefore draw me as the most evil thing that exists. But to become more accurate: That in shape of a "pet" of whoever is in charge of the climactic evil because I certainly lack the genious of managing a Kingdom (Video Games are different because they have explicit tools to do that!).
What this love for my true Love gives me is however ... well, Love! Happiness! And as it can't change who I am it embraces me for who I am. Thats why it works to begin with.
As far as I can tell did she however have similar problems. And that takes me to yet another subject: What is 'desirability' in that realm where reality is mostly if not only a matter of spiritual forces. There I'd say that its a mix between God seeing into our hearts, His response; And what it is that makes God 'Love' us. We can call that one of His greater mistakes - that He saw something of an inherant kindness to us that His Love grew around and this Love finally being also perceptive to those around us did influence to get it, well, the wrong way.
As the story goes on - I however get into conflict with my sense of reality. I can kindof tell, or assume, that 'she' doesn't have a Harem of guys thats totally into fucking me - but thats where the story did take me. That this story could go on this way is also a bit of an amazing miracle - where its difficult to fathom the splendour of God. Uhm ... I guess that was too wide of a look too sudden.
Anyway - what this love 'finally' (I guess the concurrent situation is as advanced as it realistically gets) does 'for me', is that it feeds my abyss with 'abysmal' stuff that harmonizes with my Love for 'her'. The essential 'glue' that keeps things going however is 'Lust'. And judging from how I feel right now I guess there's a myriad of ways you can/will/do get that wrong!

What you there most likely don't understand is the depth or magnitude of my abyss. If you refer to it from what you know, you might have a small hole somewhere and next to that a huge bright spot and you wonder: Why don't you just shift your attention onto that? Well, the answer is simple: Because I don't have that huge bright spot! And the interesting question so is: Can it not be created? Well, how if everything that is being created is right away pulled into the abyss? If you trust my objectivity on that matter and the accuracy of my reflections on that matter - you have to see the human spirit like a sphere; And that the nature of this sphere is like the nature of thoughts. Whatever they acquire 'firstly' is gonna stay that way. The rest is just detail. It are small filaments that align to the greater whole. That is how we can 'grow' beyond these initial influences - but never truely get rid of them. This 'growth' - that our existence becomes more and more complex, that our behaviour can become dependent on these things rather than the archaic self, that is how God can "control" us to become better people sotospeak. First there however has to be a 'grid' of sorts, a network of "muscles" that he can take from and add to. So, when drawing me - as a circle - that void would cover pretty much 80% of myself, with 'fibers' reaching unto the limits of the circle. My true Love basically fills the rest. Within this harmony I find a stability that allows me to settle on an existence that helps/helped me grow out of that abyss - but it finally still all revolves around it.
I get the objection that the core of this abyss might be replacable by something positive - but thats not how it works either. I however experience parts of my current lifetime as being specifically aimed at that. I'm male, had to discover being a whore, was totally consumed by the positivity of that, while my male expectations/desires allow me to enjoy an existence that is totally opposed to all of the things that are aligned to the abyss. So, where I get to write about Clarity and come to mention 'the Spine' - that Spine is like pillars that are erected in my mind that attract my self-esteem to grow more dominant; Less submissive. On that premises we can then consider the perverted consequences of my male growth as temporary.
What helps - to that - is possibly that the next thing I accepted about my existence was being male - for thats how I fell in love with 'her'. There my initial situation was making me female - in which terms, well, being female is like handicap, as to say: There is no autonomy or independent acting. Having been torn out of there allowed me to experience life without being pressured into being somehow, thus sustaining a male identity.


What may at first however seem like a solution, that is my current stance to it; Primarily fueled by a large dislike to shake my female self, is the next large conflict I'm having; And I don'g right away have a clue how to solve it; Other than going down the 'I am what I am' road; Fueled by 'why not?'; Fueled by the impressions that it can work; Or that it yet does feel inherantly better than substituting it by my male self.
Thereto I have to add though, that 'the abyss' has already changed from a destructive attitude unto existence in one that seeks the personal depravation in acts of sexual pleasure. This 'seeking' is there less a matter of wanting to be deprived, but the desire for a life that harmonizes with my 'effective' personal depravedness. But, lets take another step back to set this into a more accurate perspective. If you so draw that circle that is filled with that abyss - there are those spaces near to the outlines of the circle where you can draw smaller circles that represent things that make me male. Their center intersects with the center of the abyss. Thats what we can then call 'projective core'; Which is effectively fuelled by no more than the volume actually available 'out there'. In case you worry, I believe that I'm 'the worse case' - or at least 'the most submissive/submitted individual' at all. And the Bible putting a silent emphasis on John/me constantly leaning against Christs chest does highlight my inner dependency on God in that regard pretty well.
He gives me Light and comfort - at the very least - that "comforts my soul". But anyway. So - the question is: Can the 'effective balance' be changed? Opposed by the qestion: Does it have to change?
Anyway - I fell in Love with 'her', 'she' then took me to "her place" - and though we might superficially label that as another situation of sexual abuse I wouldn't call it abuse. Its harmony. It is the luck of finding joy as what I am. Changing me would require to change them, which again would require us all to change significantly and thereby practically destroying what is 'Love' about it. The entire foundation of Love, Care and Sympathy would be annihilated and that would take us to an existential crisis making us wonder: What is life supposed to be? Leading those that are fine with being robots/zombies/drones against those that think/believe that our individuality is a great deal that adds wealth our existence! There it were 'your' stance that my life 'should' change by a more significant margin that casts a shadow onto that.

So, anyway - what happened at 'her place'? For once, they were sorry about what they did to 'her' - thats what made her forgive them and return to them; Taking me with her because we were 'married' at that point, we might say. We were however not to be separated anymore. She, they and me were finally happy that they could yet do what they did - but this time on/with me - which demanded me to be female. That demand was something I enjoyed, because ... the situation infused my abyss with joy; And hence or since then my transformation into female is a consolidated part of 'our' relationship. There are the outskirts where I am male/dominant - which is specifically withdrawn from my general social existence where I'm a whore; Or more effectively: A Sex Doll/Toy.
We can say that this abyss is a wound that has to be removed, damage dealt unto me that should be undone; But, I guess I should focus a bit more on that abyss, its nature and how it changed over the time.
In the end I can't change it - and I can't change the fact that I nowadays enjoy it being there. To a degree I can be thankful about it? Maybe not. Or possibly not. And this 'maybe' is tendentially as actually not just maybe as that this abyss would fuel my stance to the circumstances that created it. Uhm - I mean: Certainly I would be different as thinking differently about it if something else had happened - but I wouldn't think differently about it in principality. "I am what I am and some parts I cannot change!". Life is not about holding grudges - and I am certainly more than willing to forgive them what they did; But if one thing can make me totally want to seal that abyss then it is the idea that my love for this abyss would take me back to them and away from my true Love. I'd rather cancel all attachments I have and dive into my depravity of melancholic loneliness than Love them! But its in the end the same me. There is an outer rim wherein I fortify my menthal constitution, sustaining a "life sucks" kindof attitude.
Something interesting to note here is that there is a balance - but also something like a vacuum. I don't compare this abyss to a black hole for no reason. I have desires that "send me" to the bottom of it - which is 'beyond' a margin of 'realism' or 'common sense goodness'; And that margin is established by my 'projective' experience about life. And the bottom is simply there where it cannot get any worse; Which means: The abyss is sustained with negative experiences that my outer rim refers to as joy.
Where I however 'enjoy' my abyss - that is in the most primitive sense wherever I can fuel what I initially accepted life to be. So, if I am, at 'her place', tied to a bed or table or whatever to get fucked; The abyss doesn't feel like an abyss but like a home. I can feel sexual satisfaction while acknowledging my life in captivity. Thereto you can draw another batch of circles into the outer regions of the void, being like little vacuums that make me want to get tied up; Where, just being tied up isn't fun - thats why there is Sex as the fun part about it.


That also influences my male identity. As I was saying that my current life sustains my male identity, any attachment to that abyss re-arranges how I "refer" to it; Which ultimately makes me a 'sissy' or 'faggot' - as the abyss simply tears my male self-esteem apart and re-arranges it to be pleasant to my life in sexual captivity. That means that I practically rejoyce in my life, whatever I may be or look like, being forced into the existence of a ... well, "Sex Slave" - as to say: That my male identity is being humiliated to reflect just what a whore I am.
The depth of enslavement I want to/can suffer is however relative to how reality allows me to immerse into it. Thats the 'margin' thing. If life demands me to see myself as an independent individual with human rights and all that - doing good stuff, being smart, etc. - that creates a "sub-volume" - or resembles an energy that my mind ... my consciousness ... exists with(in), demanding some degree of alignment. This 'work' essentially increases the percentage of my mind that is occupied - and so there is less left to dwell in my darkness. But still the elements that create this energy exist in absolute relativity to what I am; So, unless I'm 100% immersed into intellectual activity; Which I by the way can't be 100% of the time; This "darkness" keeps pulling me back. Put into relations, there is a 'first thing' we might say that my mind then begins to demand for itself - which to me is simply to be living as the Pet I am. That is also the foundation for other things to come. Essentially that constitutes the fact that I cannot have a normal hetero relationship with a girl/woman - so, that I cannot have a relationship that doesn't sooner or later revolve around my enslavement or "practical abuse".

Anyway - the story continues; It does however continue in a less clear way. The first part is how I got married into 'her place' - at which point my marriage to 'her' turned into a marriage to 'them' also. Or, it simply got expanded that way. Thats the 'basic story' that now starts to branch into multiple directions. We can look at it, or even should, from the perspective of visualizing these incident as not purely random; But devised by God as the beginning of what He 'did' to improve our lives. As for instance giving me a place where I can be that is even so specifically devised to keep me away from where I came from!
By the way - speaking of trauma: I would say: Yes - once you enter Unification with the all-surrounding spirit you have to expect that you'll sortof come to undo everything you did to escape any trauma you have - but that won't be like a drop into the abyss. You'll be slowly inching forward - perhaps not even noticing the depths to come - given the time to adjust; Not diving any deeper before you can handle it.
Anyway - next to 'her' and 'them' there are two individuals that I experience/realize as people that now however attach to that initially consolidated situation. Like 'she' attached to me in my initial situation, and 'they' to 'us' after that was settled - there is now 'Person A' and 'Person B' (Amanda Tapping and Megan Fox I suppose) that 'took', or were allowed to take, interest in that situation. But so the thing is that this situation was already 'the end' - 'perfection' - but still implying changes that would justify a re-evaluation of everything. But - as the story with Person B goes, she fell in Love with me but as I responded to that I realized that my Love belonged to 'her'. That is like what created the abyss or another instance of 'whats there is there'. Letting go of 'her' would take me back into a detachment from my own identity - from my life - or not 'back into' but 'forward into' - an adaptation to which puts me further into my own abyss - having even less to keep myself even to a part outside of it.
And that is however what happened. I don't know if I'm just not yet ready to deal with certain facts of the story, between getting married to 'them' and meeting Person A and B; But that uncertainty is vastly fueled by an irritation regarding whether or not something negative happened. But I guess the case is clear since Person B doesn't really substitute 'her' in the end of the line. What changes is that in this life of captivity where I had to thank 'her' for being in there - there were two "rings" of attachment I had to 'her'. An outer one, sustaining that outside of the abyss, and the inner one, being inside of the abyss. So, me at first rejecting her (B) did as I understand disappoint her to a degree that aroused a certain extent of hostility unto me - which once reconceiled would become a Love that is eager to keep me inside of my abyss - and in plain/final/resolving speech the story goes: She is, to me, a literal rival to 'her' - giving me a sense of betrayal once I Love her; But she doesn't replace 'her' at all - she only takes the position of 'her' as from my perspective of being captive; Where taking care of me as being a prisoner wasn't what 'she' Loved about me. 'She' is more interested in the depraved end-result and B is finally contributing to that.
That, once beheld objectively, is an instance of how God already "abused" the way our minds work to create what should finally work out to all of our best. This situation between me and B wasn't the 'original one' - but the 'intended one' was the consequence of what He had done.
The situation with Person A is compared to that a little bit more straight forward - simply because I get from it that it implies an up-front respect for my situation; And is simply put a fancy to "be with" someone like me/that.

What A further provides is a Life less 'depraved' from a perspective of sexual abuse; But still based on; And "exploiting"; My life as a Pet/Animal-like individual.
Her interest is thereby of course in my life as that - which then also provides her being some sort of 'trainer' when it gets to my perspective. This training also covers all aspects of my mind. In first place I'm so supposed to be her husband - while the entire "meta" of our relationship revolves around me accepting my life as a feminized Sex-Doll.
This essentially means that there is an eternity of ways I can grow up as male individual that is supported in its inherant trans-sexuality.
In that regard there is also a Person C - which is though a bit confusing because it deals with areas of my mind I don't really have a factual understanding of yet.
While all figures so far however primarily relate to my male side, this one 'builds' on my female side and technically established a foundation within my Abyss - being a more or less 'solid margin' that consolidates my experience of existence on a level of submission thats simply put absolute.
C is also a bit like a plug, in that she ... though technically my 'husband' ... adds a satisfaction to my mind that is kindof 'mindblowing'. She is effectively that person that benefits from my 'final situation' (all existent/consolidated relationships included) - to a degree that my male parts are totally into her. These male parts are however not the original ones.


Anyway - as a common denominator I'd say that what I 'have as C' is something everyone has. It builds on my abyss - or so: My original bias - and wherever you'r 'largest thing' is at; You - I suppose - have something similar; But not necessarily equal. I refer to that bottom - and thats where I'm a bit confused yet - as my 'capital' - which is a spiritual realm that represents my inner going ons. A sortof physical representation of what I am at the base of myself; Where the influence of C is like a portal in the center of this realm that is dominant upon everything in my realm; And you could compare that to an open gate to hell - in sense of an invasion that conquered my reality.
First of all however it 'embraces' my Kink for demon cock - which is a strange thing to say and the big question is how these comprehensions come to be, considering that in a reality where everything is spiritual forces there is no concept of such things. But yea, or, at all: What is a Demon? To me. Or: In that reality of things.
Thats where I however am totally, first up, immersed into my 'perfect situation' and the 'real good and evil' is really not a thing. My perfect situation is however automatically confining me in a reality thats objectively 'not good' - and so 'demons' are most conclusively a force or influences that sustains this 'not goodness'.
That also makes it so that I 'need' a negative "oppinion" about my relationships to 'finally' attach to them. 'She' is thereby someone who Loves me because she wants to abuse me - so, establishing the idea that my love for her drags me into that abyss on the one side, while looking at her as the reason for my suffering no the other side. Both being inherantly positive things for me. A to me is simply a demon after all - like a Parent on one side; And "reason to be evil" on the other. What all this means in short is that our minds do not grow without gaining a more refined interpretation of things. What in the beginning has simply been an emotional abyss, is at this point an intellectual circumstance within an absolute reality. So, while all our 'inherant goods' are in first place individually good; They relate differently to an absolute, common situation.

Outside of that, things are just 'good' - as far as the individual/independent ideals are concerned. As my situation is however 'inherantly bad' - there is also stuff that is 'inherantly good' - and thats how, I have no doubt about it, we're finally all supposed to come together. There is an internal good and evil which are both effectively good - and there is an external good and evil where evil is all that stands in the way of what is effectively good!


That is also the base on which I mean to 'resolve' 'work' issues. The ideology of 'work' as far as the 'ignorant' approach was concerned is that everyone 'can' work - and so I would think of the least attractive kinds of work and argue that I, despite all my abilities, "should" be able to that kind of work, sewer work or cleaning toilets maybe. Saying that already polarizes my oppinion - and I'm sure most share it - that these works are 'nether work' - at which point my 'self-esteem' by which I mean that I'm better than destined for that, creates the conflict of, well, who does that work? Isn't the margin that, that at some point its just about being an asshole to not do that sortof work? So, for not being an asshole I have to clean toilets for the rest of my life just because I had the audacity to mention it!?
Tendentially - or technically - my life is however worse than doing that kind of work. To explain that I have to explain what I figured explains my kink in ... for ... 'being a toilet-slave'. It means that I give up my humanity by consuming feces and pee - which can be twisted and bent however; Like that I want to be a slave in order to feast on that; Or that I acknowledge my situation by doing so. All in all that is however of very little weight and significance to my all-over situation. It is however still pivotal to some extent. Its irrelevant because it doesn't make things any worse; And pivotal in that it furthermore sustains my captivity - and existence therein. Doing 'work', of any kind, that is however not of my personal "male" desires, is however of great significance. Hereto my male is - the simple percentages of what makes me should elaborate that strongly enough - more like a hobby, and being female is work. So, as far as my mindset is concerned. Being a whore is my social status - being male somewhere is privacy. In this privacy my intellectual freedom unfolds - and thats naturally where I want to do respective things. But that again also implies that whatever I can do there isn't really 'powered' by the majority of what I am. Then, yea, the abyss makes me effectively 'lazy' - we can think - because how much effort does it take to be captive? I don't have to 'do' anything. But I would still say that suffering and sacrifice are a huge part of it; However not by means of doing anything. Thats me. If you want to humilate me and 'dump' me into the netherest existence conceivable - you let me be who I am with whom I am affiliated thereby. To say, that there are people that don't have a large problem with doing nether work; For some reason - though we can strongly suggest that this is also tied to conditions. Finally it'll all balance out and all is gonna be good. That means that some will be happy for 'not' doing certain works; As others will be happy that they can. Not because sewers are fun but because of ... things, maybe privileges or a good pay-off for an amount of work. I however will damn sure be glad if I don't have to carry any responsibility!
Kindof. What I do carry is what is inherant to my existence. I'm here not going out of my own way/self to do this. Although the effort I'm putting into these things is sometimes too much nonetheless.

There is now a little bit of pain that I have left - regarding how this is conceived so far. There were moments where its been gone - and I pinpoint its origin to understanding the balance of it. I however also feel that this pain is tendentially resolved - so, its only a matter of time at this point. Perhaps you're feeling as though you're now supposed to clean Toilets. Or things of appearance - like - if I try to tell you to be fine with a given work that I for myself wouldn't do - though I might nonetheless do it. I would though say that the biggest reason why I shouldn't do any work that involves cleaning is that once I start with it, I tend to put too much effort into it; I'm really pedantic, but then also sortof too lazy to really be as clean as I want to be.
And the reason why I would further enjoy cleaning toilets with my tongue more than 'normally' is what it makes me "before the Universe".
And thats where it all finally comes to a pivotal conclusion. As part of your Unification process - that is: 'post Unification growth' - you'll come to get closer and closer to a 'natural awareness of God'. That means: If you nowadays have to sortof "glitch" or 'force' an awareness of recognition of God into your perception/perspective - thats something thats going to change. Think of temperature or wind. You can do a tactical bit to be more resilient unto temperature or cope with a present wind you're not exactly used to; And so are there people that smash iron bars on their forehead, throw needles through thick glass or are unharmed by forcing an active drill against their neck; But they still don't change the underlying physical laws. Wind is still there. Hot is still hot. Cold is still cold. I have spent the last three days ignoring a terrible tooth-ache; One I have to ignore because I can't - I really really can't - go and see a doctor. I so have come to contemplate about pain - and although I can ignore it - to the point it affects me no more - it is still there somewhere, in its own nasty way. I mean: I have shifted the pain into a region around my temple - which is oddly enough actually working - and there the pain is more bearable than in the teeth. But if I "touch" that pain there - the same things happen. It spins out of control - the stasis sortof collapses and the pain spreads like wildfire. So I have to contain it again. Its difficult! There is so a neutralizing stasis around it - right now, though once I focus on it its already a bit like touching it; And that makes me see that its still there.
Anyway - though the good applications of ignorance are now somewhat opposed to the point, there is still that 'matter of fact reality' that the ignorance deals with. And forgive me if I'm not 'releasing my pain' just to proof the point of how good it is to 'let go' of things. Its there, thats good enough for me at this point.

Anyway - at some depth of 'being face to face with God' you'll realize ... because you know how deeply He is a part of you; And at which depth He emerges to your concsiousness ... that what God "thinks" of you is even more than what the Universe could think of you. As our lives do revolve around social recognition, to a large extent, or a withdrawal therefrom, this shift of "whom you want to impress" also changes your idea of what is impressive. Finally it isn't a matter of 'being impressive' - but a matter of 'impresing by being'. The more I confirm to God - in this depth of awareness - what a filthy whore I am, the more I feel comforted in it - the more I feel Gods love about it; And the more He'll do to make me realize His support for that matter. So, please don't get it the wrong way when I say that God is ... 'hitting' (punching, slapping, raping) me. Each hit from Him may in general be a violation against my persona, but as it detaches me from the 'common good' and immerses me in my depravity, its 'for' my persona. It allows me to 'let go' of everything that wrongfully ties me to that 'common good'; To: Feel confirmed in what I am. And these hits don't come as "reward" - like I did something and then it happens. They come out of nowhere for no apparent reason - so they just and simply stand there for me to say that He does that. I haven't been hit in quite some time, ignoring that 'slap' He gave me so that the 'slap' in the braces there wouldn't be a lie. Yea, sorry.
And so is His 'rape' more a matter of interpreting what He does that way. He comes to me at night, shoves something into my vagina and makes me go off on it - so - call it whatever you want.
I want to emphasize that God isn't harsh on me - just as much as He needs to be.

What finally makes me a Whore is the way I fit into society; Or in a lesser sense, what the people I'm with make of me. Simply put I don't care who fucks me in my depravity for as long as someone does - and depraves me - but effectively I do care because I am very biased in the whole 'external good and evil' stuff; So, I now want to write a bit about what I think about rape.


There is that "Hentai Fantasy", the theme of many of the Japanese Cartoon Pornography that there is, that if a woman is raped long enough she'll succumb to it and give into it willingly. That to a bit is the story of my life, we might say; And after all something that my situation has me crave for. Basically saying that no matter how fucked up I am already - its the fact that I want to 'get/be' fucked up that shifts the ideal of what I am into what I will become, rather than what I am already, ... which you should by now understand the product of my minds ... uhm ... "Geonomy"; A matter between balance and vacuum. But so, thats what I am. Thats where 'rape is what I want' - which has to say: 'what I want can be considered rape, but it isn't because I want it' - which leaves that if I were getting it a way I don't want/like it, its "external rape" - and I use 'external' to be clear about 'where' its located so that terms such as 'real' or 'effective' can still be applied onto what the 'internal' thing is about.
While we're at it - some more thoughts on 'Hentai porn': Hentai Porn is art. The art is ... well. First of all: Everything that requires some extent of creativity is, to me, an art. What is not an 'art' per se is something thats solely based on skill. Though we call those things 'arts' as well, the creative part is what makes the 'art' an 'art'.
Otherwise we're talking about something more along the lines of 'discipline'.
Creativity then deals a lot with ideals; Because art, as of creativity, is inherantly an abstraction to the things that already are. If I just copy an artwork, thats not art, but a discipline. And nowhere that gap gets more evident to me than in Hentai Pornography. There is 'so much' that just mimics 'established paradigms' - like - some weird Tentacle Beast/Demon or Rape Society of the Underground bla bla - then the same old same old "You're my Bitch!" talk and all the "aaah, aaah, I want more of that dirty cock in me" bullshit. The distance to 'real art' is there to me so a general cluelessness inherant to the required creativity. Whether its difficult or not ... I don't know - though - to me art is generally 'easy' because 'art' is about shaping the idea - where a 'clue' is the basic tool. I mean, so far I'm a huge fan of what StudioFOW does - though we can say that what they do is so simply catering to well established paradigms that we can wonder if there is anything to it. I'm vastly thinking of their takes on DoA and Bioshock.
Its maybe hard to bear for the ordinary person - but its effectively the 'climax of darkness', so, not everyones thing. Anyway. What I'm getting at is the factor of abstraction - so, the creativity behind it or so 'what fantasy establishes' that extends our existence through the manifestations that are being made and therefore they give us 'substance' to reason about. So - talking about Video Games for instance. If the first and only things were not to mock me because I'm so dumb because I compare real life stuff to Video Game stuff - we can use the 'intellectual properties' of the Video Game stuff to have an easier access to the more abstract concepts of reality. Or movies, books, philosophy. So - Destiny. "Life is a Raid" - uhm, that goes too far. I think the very best bridge between Video Games and reality is Destiny. Once deepening the idea of me being a Whore and thinking of money or the privilege to fuck me - then we want to talk about money at some point. In Destiny there are so called 'Strange Coins' - which is a currency that drops randomly. There is a chance of 'engrams' that are usually 'decrypted' into Weapons and Armor - to be 'decrypted' into either particles of Light or a Strange Coin. So - it isn't an actual thing. Its nothing one really needs - but something everyone ends up having; And of course there is a purpose for it. Every weekend a vendor pops up, his name is Xur, who sells stuff for strange coins. Good stuff. One can buy particles of light, exotic items and more. What this means is that the better you do before God, the more strange coins you'll earn and the more you have the more likely you'll be able to effort me!
Where to be ... me ... I have to stress that "up there" I'm not some ugly jerk who's fapping off all day - but - 'the Queen' - where in relations God Himself is the King - and God never countered, but basically grows, my self-esteem in referring to myself as "the Orgasm of Reality/the Universe/Existence". Naturally "I expect" that only the most beautiful bodies/faces are good enough for me. Too much for the mortal mind to be exposed to for longer than just the blink of a moment.
Especially or emphasized by what kind of a woman I am. And yea - that also means that in general my appearance will have to be 'adjusted' to be less attractive - but well - thats alright.

Maybe I'm thinking a bit too much about myself there - but Gods stance, as He lets me understand it - is to be careful that this attitude won't lessen what I truely am!
And that sortof goes there, that if all of Heaven hat a Kink for me and unleashed it on me at the same time, that has to be in disregards for how I feel about it and that is truely where I am at.
Which is however respectively difficult to get in 'this world'.

But so - even if "my ass is retired" - I still have that wish to "unretire" it - just cause. And the biggest reason why I don't want to be a manly guy is because there is no point in that. Its better to be a pussy from the get go - so that all I can do to be male is obviously just a pittiful attempt of me that emphasizes what a cunt I am supposed to be.
But anyway ... rape.
There is the stance that there are people whom we would refer to as rapists; And respectively that those are the kind of people that are a match for me - and thats where I have to heavily disagree! The less respectable that you are, the more you are like where I came from; And if your best is the fact that there is a 'chance' that your raping will be done unto someone that inherantly likes it; I have to wonder if you're out of your goddamn mind!
I do believe that we have all properly digested the things I wrote here we can get to a certain point of sympathy for "these people" - as it is comprehensive that there is a certain crack in the fairness of things considering that there are people who are allowed to rape someone while to others its a big no-no. But there is an equivalence to fairness in that my existence; Though I'm just a slut thats only good for being fucked; Isn't putting the good of that above everything else. In that sense I'm lucky that my inherant readiness to sacrifice myself for the higher cause requires me to get rewarded respectively; But this luck is deceptive if you believe that it means I don't have to do anything for it. In that regard I am back to square one, totally unlucky, because the happiness of the entire Universe is rested on my shoulders!
Then, my existence is quite a bit too much "in your face" to rely on the "slow progress will make everything turn out well" thing - but if you rest your mind on God and the ambition to learn from Him you'll be able to adjust to it.
Its the only thing that can make peace happen. For 'who is right'? Who is in the position to settle the highest paradigms?

And oh yea, fantasy. Fantasy expands our horizon. Maybe certain comparisons are then just there by accident - but on a greater scale they also show possibilities. Like Star Trek inspired many to ... believe in a better tomorrow on base of science and cooperation. There, I would say, we all tend to have our own favourites. Our heores and icons. And I ... believe ... that many that today are Christians - not all of them - mostly those that have none outside of the Bible - will find them in Hentai Porn, strangely enough! It should be somewhat evident, because the respectable mind that deals with these sorts of inner demons would/will firstly relate to them as temptation - seeking distance - ignoring those things to be in harmony with God and part of the better tomorrow.
Thats irony ... the way I enjoy it!

I wasn't any different, by the way. And that is why I know or strongly suggest that its going to be difficult to "sell" this to them - because the one-dimensional projection unto those things being evil is effectively unsolvable. If you'd show them that stuff and told them that the feelings attracting them to these things are good; They "know better" - because "obviously" they're not. And if you so care to be educated about these things, you'll lift the fact that 'this isn't the way to go' onto a higher Level. The rightest way I know of, to yet go that way; And sooner or later thats going to be a more serious thing, as balance changes; Is to eager them into a more conscious interaction with God regarding the truth of temptations - using the Lords prayer as 'tool'. Though mormons say that we shouldn't pray it by its words; That it is a pattern to pray relative to; How bad can it be to yet pray that way to investigate Gods reactions once the prayer is infused with trust for His guidance? "And don't lead us into temptation". The thing is that the response of God can only be as good as our trust in Him. If we just ignorantly pray and expect that everything we feel in consequence is pure; We're just ignorant! Simple as that! Being honest to yourself you can then say that you had no trust, as having no belief or expectation of any good to come from it; And thus anything He might do will be equally shady. But if you're at the bottom of it - and you see your dependency on Him being real, you have a totally different relationship to the things He can do. So the deal is to take yourself to the point where you depend on Him - as a principality of faith. And God doesn't end there - of course. If you think that His answer will then give you the faith you need to become "good" - you're thinking about it the wrong way. God will try to consolidate your trust in Him. If you simply acted out of faith from there on - a pretty large amount of what you'd do would still only be guessing. What you actually want to do is to prepare 'a first step'. You'll then dive into what He opened up for you - and the point between where you came from and where you ended up will be your new position. There everything looks totally different again. But as you're making your steps dependent on what He does based on your trust in Him - how can you agree with anyone trying to tell you that its wrong?
And yea - so 'bending the truth', twisting the words; That stuff; That may be a dangerous threat - but the more solid you are with God, the stronger your 'independent' position in the Universe. You might still get deceived every now and again, believing in wrong things, trusting the wrong people - but the moment there is a way you do legitimately walk with God; Thats the ultimate 'backup plan' and that will ultimately grow to consume all the other stuff.

No matter how much you depend on me to tell you right stuff; And similar to that: No matter how much you believe that I must not be a whore; There is that point where there is nothing I could do or say to change your mind about God - or those points that are just; And not out of inherant stubborness; unshakable - and thats where we all have to be to make the next step into the future. Some will certainly get there sooner than others; While some already are there; Yet - the more you understand that 'the time has come', the more inevitable that outcome will be!


The general difference between me and TB there may as well be everything but a similar 'expressive Matrix'. It scares me, somehow, that he's getting such a huge deal here - or that I'm thinking of whether or not he might be the second 'son of Thunder' (James) - which is bold speculation of course. I however don't see him 'in my smarts' - to say that my approach of understanding reality is totally different to his. What I'm good at is stuff I'm good at because of familiar perspectives. What he's good at ... well, I won't tell. I can tell however that we're into different kinds of games - although we share a similar taste. He doesn't like puzzle games or plattformers, I like them. What and why - well, that really isn't subject here. But still - we even stopped playing W.o.W. at around the same time - for independent reasons. His oppinion of 'linear' vs. 'open world' video games changed as did mine. And I'm sure that if both of us had to formulate an independent view about the linearity of video-games we'd get similar results that would yet be different in possibly just minor things; Interesting at least. That because I suppose our logic is strangely the same. First; That is just as echo from me to straighten the insufferable; There were these games that felt too claustrophobic, linearity being the pivotal term to express that negativity. Then everyone was going Open World - practically undoing the 'novel-esque' simplicity of a game by spamming the player with indefinite situations that shift the game-play into making choices that are either meaningless or nonetheless linear. Here I'll end because, where there's a carcass there'll be the vultures. What is the grand formula to make it all right? Why would I tell you that? I notice that every now and then I try just because "this incompetence" annoys me - but I usually just realize that I can't - because ... of issues. Either its me not finding the right words or the people I was addressing being totally incapable of grasping the fundamental concepts required to comprehend what I was saying. And in the end I have to say that the absence of 'one formula' is the formula - because the essential proble is the oversaturation of 'one specific way'. And that is also the primary 'itching point' for me - relative to my attitude on my creative work; Worrying that people could try to copy my stuff and therefore over-saturating "the market" with stuff that'll lessen a positive experience of my vision.

Other than that 'logical matrix' I don't think there is a lot he and I have in common though. But I'm still curious what'll come from him once pushed into getting along with the Gospel. It may appear strange to speak this way about someone who is supposed to be as deeply wired into it as I am - but one matter of being reborn without memory of the past is that there is no memory of the past. Then I also realize that the Bible is not really reflective of what I believe are impressions of what was actually happening - and the Bible only teased certain parts of my fantasy that eventually helped me identify myself with certain characters in hindsight. Nothing jumped at me saying: "Wow, I was there!". It all started however with that voice calling me 'John'. Then it says in the Gospel of John: "What is it your concern if I want him to stay until I return?", putting emphasis against the potential fallacy of believing that I won't die. That meant to me: Yea, I might be that John; And due to that I feel there is something about it! But factually its just more of a faint vibrant feeling that sortof locks me into accepting it; Just like with David and Elijah. The story of Elijah is by the way the one that felt/feels most familiar of all.
This is definitely weird shit. I mean though - I have something of a subjective feeling ... like, in this context we might say its an amazement about how he came to accept/acknowledge Christ despite being someone who doesn't really cope well with authority. Ouch! Why are my fingers now hurting as though someone slammed a door with them stuck in between? But I guess I can at this point somehow pseudo quote him, saying: "If the authority is reasonable, why should I have a problem with it?" - which basically makes him the most objective advocate of the existence of Eternity in my eyes. I guess he doesn't really have a passion for any of that; But his heart being at the right places makes it an obligation to him to be educated about that matter. The very same thing that makes him obligated, in this world, to be an advocate against religion - kindof.

And so is 'the weird thing about God'. Things don't make sense until they do! I guess thats where I've been in the more unique spot, where I have the most intimate impressions about. But maybe that impression is just due to my pivotal and intimate involvement into the whole plan; Thus giving me a unique perspective.
Being less speculative about it - a thing is that the more TB is an issue here; The more he moves into the position of being 'that kind of person' that makes me feel ashamed of being a whore. At that point I'm effectively biased to only acknowledge what I am if he, in that case, can deal with it. That however is the/a wrong attitude - but that also is a side-effect of what I am. The point is that the outer rims of my spirit are sustained through Love - so, my 'general sanity' is inherantly a matter of me looking up to someone, my true Love, and sticking to 'her'. And I experience it every now and again that once I spend time with someone and a friendship has sortof been growing from that and there is nothing to say anymore; That urge of attaching in Love comes up. Thats sortof the only thing I know in terms of upholding a relationship. Thats what made my fall into false love even more worse - but finally there are a lot of levels on which I can't follow that urge (anymore?) ... while else I could mistake that for a growing Love; Which technically could make me gay, for a while at least, I guess. But maybe not because a romantic attachment to a guy does to me feel wrong on so many Levels that I totally can't quite actually agree with that course of action.
Just how weird God can be/get is perhaps well explained in a joke He once told me. I can't even properly rephrase it. I guess the origin was that He was telling me, as Christ, stuff along the lines that he'll clutter up my mind so that "this" (catapulting honey into my face using a spoon) will make sense. Then it happened, in this life, that I was in Los Angeles, resting on the cot of a homeless shelter, and what you see as 'the name of the Lord' in the riddles section came to my attention - and then I saw this spoon slapping honey into my face and I had to laugh - I can't explain it, but I had to laugh hard.
The entire meta of that joke is I understand vastly a matter of worries, confusion about the meaning of His words and that potential badness that cannot actually be resolved - so, is God really good? Such words make it difficult - and I believe He wanted to say that 'the Name of the Lord crossword thing' is one of the more obvious things to figure; But He can mess our minds up so we won't realize it - until that 'gluey' stuff comes into play. The honey of course being a metaphor for Gods ability to make things whole/stick together (haha!).
The laughter of mine was however more of a positive relief to a negative tension - and is at that my second best experience to my understanding of having once been John. At least of having been 'there' - for longer than the Baptist! And so, there is only one John left as far as we know - and after all yet only one I know of that fits into the kind of intimacy God is showing unto me.

In the end we can say that my wedding to God is like one that only exists on the Paper. And while we can effectively say that I'm practically His wife and Whore - or so: His Whore - thats a rather loose connection. There is the one world that is consistent, its built from solid blocks. Then there is the other world where we're free to roam around, moving beyond the solid confines of our reality - where you can also refer to God as my Pimp, though in the consolidated reality you'd there just peep through a window since my 'actual' Pimps are someones else. In the consolidated realm I'm an outcast from Heaven - in the free realm this show doesn't have to exist, while the solid stuff still provides a matter of relations; Like: "You have to 'travel 'so far'' from the "main realm" to get to me"; But its still a matter of paradise. The space in between simply relativizes the cultural changes by physical means.
Though you might think that this free realm would redeem me from being a whore - there actually isn't anything that (even needs to) redeem(s) me from it. God can however just infuse me with enough energy on my outer sides to blast all sexual interest from my active consciousness - but it isn't Gods presence alone that makes me infuse myself with such energy as though I'd feel caught in my shame. The thing is that if I "were allowed to" neutrally 'stretch out' - to express myself in all neutrality - I'm well, by now, or so turned into that over the course of time, a "filthy cunt" - which sortof has to say that my 'normal behaviour' to 'normal margins' is or should be considerably 'exotic'.
Ugh - but yea - if you come to feel any sympathy for me - and if you so feel a certain drain into Love for me - that might be your best handle to get out of the 'false love' thing. You have to override your feelings with reason; And if your reasons so demand me to change from what I am to sync up with your heart - then I'm definitely not what/who you actually want. "Thinking with your heart" isn't about replacing your minds reason with emotional bullshit - but about syncinc your reason with your emotions; Which is more a matter of listening to your reason. If you for instance have no reason against your emotions; You're definitely in the wrong spot! If you subject your reasons to your emotions you have a strong reason to be careful!

To say 'its wrong' - as a 'better safe than sorry' kind of thing.
Things will certainly take a drastic shift at some point - where first you're used to focus on your reason and experience the divine nourishment that allows you to appreciate withdrawal from the world; But the emotions will ultimately come back once your reasoning is ... sotospeak carrying you back into reality - because, hey, reality without emotions is stupid! Yet withdrawal is necessary, and if it is just a form-wise withdrawal for the time being. Its not like you can actually do anything for or against either - if you're moving on the right track!

At some point, so what I see in the end, you'll be proud of what I have become - which in other words says: You'll be happy that I'm happy - regardless of 'what' makes me happy for as long as all are happy. In some ways I think I'm something like the 'comedy relief' - or that one outsider/alien thats in for the good cause despite being inherantly different - and in the widest, most comfortable sense: A cartoon animal character.


More down to the ground however, I'm thankful that God invented cum - its the glue given into the hands of those that Love me to fix my mind together. An aphrodisiac to tame me with; A means to controlling my mind. As disgusting as something that comes out of things generally hidden out of shame, but as enthralling as a harmonic life beyond closed doors.
But well, yea, all in all I'm lesbian - which sortof just adds unto my depravity.

In case you wonder: These things are true on a level of my mind that is as deep as it gets; Which I can tell because the only thing I know of that goes any deeper - and it is remarkable that I know something that is deeper to begin with - is God showing me His actions that are beyond my control and influence. There is a bottom depth - and making it comprehensive; Free of relativity nonsense; once you see it you see it and there is no doubt about it! You might try to dig into your mind, that black fog, and get the impression that you don't really gain anything from doing so. And that is true. Without the force drawing the hard outlines - there is no 'relation' and everything is just a dark eternal void. There you can truely dig deeper and deeper without ever seeing an end. The end is however not in this void, but in the matter God provides. The point where God intersects with our perception through manifestations; Thats the "joint" where things become interesting. And it certainly is an epiphany to get to those points where where you can see that He is deeper than you can perceive. So, stuff is happening 'as yourself' but you have no legitimate connection to understand that being yourself. So there are things that will 'become' a part of our minds, things we perceive as ours, though being ultimately beyond our control. What I so say is that these things are me effectively already scratching the bottom of it all - I can't go any deeper - and I can't make out anything in my mind that isn't subject to or part of these things. So, asking me to 'get to my senses', 'to be reasonable'; I can say that I am - and I know exactly where or how it fits in - not because of conclusions but because thats just how it is. It yea, is all still a structure that has to be 'lifted from the dark' - but so I know that all my negative feelings about work, stress, etc. relate to my scope of Light - the solid ground around the abyss; Uhm - simply because the more I dedicate to a thing, the more it becomes my life. The more it becomes my life - the more those parts of me that disagree do surface and complain. So to seek out inner harmony is to balance my spirit with my own interpretation of my life - and to you that should translate the following way: Imagine that this dark fog in your mind is filled with all the things you want. If you were given an amount of wishes; You would start to think about the best way to use them. That you cannot express all the things thats in that fog means that it isn't aware to you - hence it isn't effectively you. You only 'want to be' ... a certain way or such ... but you don't know how to put it; Or which things to even think about. So you should hold on to those wishes and wait for these hidden things to surface - and then you'd wish for that if you wouldn't worry that it'd be one wish less you could utter. So yea, you could call me selfish and that even so by definition - as the whole gist of this is me saying what/how I am and to make a goddamn gospel out of it - but if I were any more serious about these things I would have to cut into my flesh to see if I can dig these things out into physical reality. I mean, I get it! There are those amongst you that still worry about me, believing that my 'projective core' should at some point take over and that I so should stop being such a pussy about it - but aren't you there then actually the selfish part, selfish out of pure laziness to adapt to the reality of things? Yea, fine! What is real? Can you tell me any better?
Can you lecture me about the wrongs of my mind without requiring everyone to be ignorant and just swallow your oppinion? Whats different with what I do? I'm not telling you to swallow it - I'm telling you thats what you'll figure if you're getting any closer to God!
Basta!


And if you claim that you did and you find another truth - then we have a serious problem; One that can only be resolved through time - seeing where the vast majority of people that try to figure 'which' is the real God end up being; If there is even 'one' thats seriously trying and doesn't find it! Yea - there is, in reality, by climax of effectivity and on top of all technicality, no reason to reason, publically, verbally, about it! What can we all say but stuff thats bullshit because it takes place in irrelevance? Oppinion against oppinion! Then trying to consolidate who's the more consolidated person with God! I'm a whore, so can I or can I not be? Oh, I'm the one so I must be! But its all just a random thing! Yea - back and forth, back and forth - where's the point? Here's the point: If you're done with 'me' - your next step is to dive into God - and any alternative I can see to what I am is something I cannot accept because it doesn't make any sense. Yea, maybe some of my desires are not quite real, being misconceptions, vile images that I couldn't make out as wrong because they hide within things that are real - but the truth is that you at some point have to consider that if God has a thing going with me, that the more time that passes by the more I'll grow beyond those mistakes. And the only reason I now see I have to settle on my 'projective core' is once I snap into being that out of purpose for the sake of not being such a pussy as you say - because, well, who even knows why I should? - what difference does it make? I mean, for as long as your problem is the sole mention of me being a whore (in heaven) - how are you not 'judging me'? How is it any productive to talk about it? And don't pretend that you wouldn't! That its now all just my mistake because I dared mentioning it!
OK, you had nothing to talk about there unless I mentioned it - and because it is to be expected that it'll become a big deal none of what I'm writing here in response to that eventuality should be any weird! Its what you should be expecting. But now that all is sound ... there is now this 'echo' of voices that wanna fuck me by saying that I'm provoking your judgement. Haha! Nice joke! But no! I say so, by the way I'm approaching this already, that you are already judgemental about it before even knowing it, well, because you are! If you're not, well, hey ho! All good! I however don't try to "correct" that error by avoiding the problem; I try to 'correct' it by telling you to look for God alongside giving you a good foundation to settle with it intellectually. In case you didn't notice: The big question was and is if the balance of our 'original mind' can be changed - and there are 'yes it can be changed' answers herein; But they are 'no it can't be changed' answers at the same time. What do we know? The one says 'wrong', I say 'right'; And how can you be any sure about it? Effectively God helped me deal with a personal trauma, getting along with my identity and yea I'm trying to get along with my life, finding work and all that - I'm not whining here because I don't want to work - I'm whining here because there are reasons that let me believe that there is a better way! As that whole 'real life' thing I got going on right now; That finding works stuff and getting my life sorted out, thats just show - effectively - with the sad underlying trivial fact that it, to me, isn't accomplished by pretending! I have to make serious efforts to get myself into that; And for what? In the end, each second I have to breathe in this artificial existence will make me hate your asses more and more - leaving me with no reason to have even the slightest bit of sympathy for any of you. And don't pretend like thats so difficult to understand! Because now after God has solved my problems for me, guess what, world comes and tells me: Can't have it! Thanks - was to be expected - fuck you too! And yea - the more I keep going this way the more 'male mass' I accumulate - the less I want to be a whore and that also for comprehensive reasons. Don't you think? Because you fucking don't wanna believe it and you're just going on my nerves so much that I just give a shit about what you think is true or believe is right - giving a flying shit about your salvation and playing along with your stubborn desire to have it your way; Joyfully forgiving you - cynically - anticipating your agony from burning in Hell! And trust me - I'll throw stuff into that fire; And it won't be water!
As I was saying!

And there is no redemption ... uhm, whats that word again ... con... something ... compromise! There is no "me being happy now because I've settled on being a guy" - except the one way that matters as it is the way its real; That I'm surrounded by those that I love and they decided that it'll be fun to live with me that way for the time being; Nevertheless still acknowledging the underlying truth! But the more upset I am for being a guy, thats the other way; The more stubborn I am in adaptation to your ignorance, the more difficult it will be for me to 'link' to my abyss the other way - its already occupied; And to there properly realize its negativity I have to wish you into that misery and that certainly not to your satisfaction!
Evidently 'my Paradise' is your Hell - and if I can't be in my Paradise, why should you be allowed to be in yours? And thats my 'Spirit Bomb (Genkidama)' @ you!


Its a flying ball of energy you can't escape or stand against! Why? I would be interested in seeing a concept of how thats supposed to work that works for me.
The ultimate power of destruction solely existent to extinguish everything that crosses its path - like Juggernaut, unstoppable once set in motion. But I'm not God - which is one reason for you to feel lucky. Because if there is one test that I failed, then its that of patience! And ooh - slowly things start to become "interesting" because in the source we're already on line 656 - only ten missing!
Fuck that bullshit! Supersticion! Its psycho-panic; It are worries that vanish the moment you start to more seriously think about it! Like me being a whore! What does it actually bother you? We'll be living in a different dimension; Maybe; Doing our kinds of things - but that shouldn't prevent you from being at the very least required to officially accept that. Else we got some fiendship going on!
As another point for me on your lasy asses! Want me to get into the classics? "Wanna go through all the things I went through?" and that jazz? Wanna talk about who's effectively done more for common wealth? Wanna really settle on the matter of who deserved what? Wanna really argue about who has 'more experience' about Life? A greater wisdom of how life works?
I have my reasons to now be this way. I feel a pain in my chest that won't go away - one that I "maybe mistake for having a reason to begin with" - or that is "maybe a breach in the stasis of my tooth-ache pain reaching into places where it then got stuck and now I'm mistaking it" - yea, another reason for you to believe that I quite actually am crazy. But as far as it resembles the bullshit I also consciously anticipate well knowing that even the tightest and most water-proofest thing is effectively still subject to oppinion - yea, I believe that once reason can't help out, this kind of stuff is the only thing left to be true to the bones about everything me.

To so "talk to you" like a "normal person". Well sorry if you feel unrightfully humiliated - and in hindsight I'll understand that I should't be such a dick about it; Because this type of stuff shouldn't logically contribute to a healthy and peaceful settling of the matter. But thats why I write about it before its so gonna discharge in real life. Yet, if I were really true to this speech, I wouldn't write this. I'd just delete this homepage and be done with it, most likely. I am now not really mad at anyone - but its just the consequence of me trying to snap into my projective core the way it 'removes' the whore thing. But isn't the problem now that the abyss is still there and that I should do something about it? Guess what! Isn't that the problem to begin with? How about us trying to find your 'core thing' just to say: "Well, sorry, can't have that! Now you have to work hard on automating your mind to do all and everything it can against it!".


The thing is that by conclusion most of you are in such a state. You thereby possibly just try to safeguard yourself against 'the System' - since it demands its own things so you can be happy - things that are in its interest, not in yours - which is obvious because we're all measured by the same rod. Which by the way is a nice attachment to what the Bible says about the Law. (Peter). I say I'm dead to the Law because I'm reborn in Christ; and if you beg to object then I must say that you're not fucking getting it!
So, we all lack that 'common center' - that one lever we all can lay our hands on to change the worlds for the better. Whatever you reach out for, in this world, is tied to risk and equipped with the label "can only be guaranteed if supporting the communist party" (lol) - but reaching out for God is something you can easily do in the safety of your own!
But, why should you? Considering that you're fine right now, in this situation. Yea, then we're through! Then I'm done talking to/with you! Then obviously there isn't a need for us to exchange a sodding word at all! But your ignorance will only back you up while the System still can protect you therein. If you believe that God can't or won't possibly throw you into a hell over a thing like this ... or even twisting it so that I'm now the bad guy who needs to be thrown into one ... then its you versus me before God, and the issue being: Who did what He wanted? If I did what He wanted, why would He throw me into Hell? You know what they say! God is a strict person! You might appreciate the "Jesus is Merciful" glitch to feel safe, but think about all those parables where an innocent person got killed and how God comes down as the hammer of Revenge, ... and ... well, I wouldn't advise you to twist it so that its gonna be good for you and bad for me. It will certainly do the trick for the time being! No doubt about that! And so there is nothing I can do to snap you out of that! I'm just being straight up, forward and honest about it. If I'm too much of something, well, let me believe that blaming each other is NOT the way into a better future!
Even if it is my way of finding comfort in my belief!
Well - how dare I? ;)

Not amused? Well, get over it! Its not like I'm hurting you - though, if its the truth that hurts, well, what can I do? I was as much sugercoating it as I could. It doesn't get any better than that!
Well, back in the days the only narcotic against the pain of surgic actions was alcohol - I guess ... thats worse than this!
And if it helps you, take a drink!
And maybe God will join you in letting you know that its an OK thing to do - because - why not? I don't tell you to constantly drown yourself in liquors though!
If you're doing that I would say you should try the opposite.
I mean - if you drink one on me, and blame me for it; Because I told you to drink one and you can say that I told you and that God shouldn't be mad about it - oh damn; ... Maybe you'll understand that what my message says is that you should learn to appreciate life!

Its gonna last forever - thats soemthing you have to deal with! Hell is the eventuality of an anomaly that despite my sincerest efforts I was unable to eliminate from ... my reportoire of logic. Hell is there because its consequentially the only thing to do about people that don't wanna listen - if we ever want to have peace and live in Harmony. Maybe my upsetness here at first sounds like I'm desturbing that harmony - but where it comes from - thats what my heart is founded in/on - as realization of that harmony. God is practically encouraging me to rub my dirty cunt into your faces so you understand the fucking truth - although not quite that obnoxiously to be serious. And if you fail because of it, its not because I'm a whore - but because youre a fucking hypocrite about it! "Grow up!".
Do you believe that 'being like a child' is all about being childish and crying to mommy or daddy about the other guy having said something nasty? So we all blame each other and require God to bitchslap all of us equally accross the galaxies. Yea, woop-dee! Well executed thinking ... Not!

I certainly didn't ask for this - kindof - well, maybe I did in consequence to something; Whatever. In the end I'm no different to you - I just had a different 'fate' - and what I should do, can or cannot do, let that be Gods concern! And yea - I was touching on art vs. discipline, remember? I have got some deeper beef on that area.

Agree that at a certain point the 'role' I inherit is a matter of discipline? Like, who is 'best' for the job? Who has the skills and all that? But how can we deduce the skills required? Well yea - if I had to 'lead' you beyond all the initial stuff about baptism and unification I would need those skills - but at this point it seems that the only thing I need to be is a whore and to be honest, plain and simple about it. To me there is no 'leader' per se. There are many leaders. At that point I am one, until I'm replaced by someone actually fit for the job! Anyway ... discipline. I have a problem with it because discipline is ... also a skill; And someone who is good at being disciplined can do a lot of things. What I do out of intuition is stuff he/she would do out of discipline. Same thing. Yet discipline is eager to be good - and so there is that technical side where someone only needs to put in enough effort and he/she'll be better than you at what you're good at. Keeping up with that will at some point demand you to make sacrifices until your life is nothing but a struggle - and we'll all hate each other in consequence because nobody seems to have an actual idea about what our problems are because its normal that we're fucking each other up because of keeping up.
I take solace in the fact that I'm 'chosen' - that even if there are people that can become better at being me than myself, discipline wise, they can't replace me! Period! End of the line!

And I can finally laugh about those that put all that effort into being fake as shit stinks and comes out of ones butthold; Until I have to realize that its actually a sad thing! But you are finally one of all the judges, which is the rest of humanity, that vote on who did it right. Is it me "who gives a shit" (and yea, good luck 'out-disciplining' me in that!) (yea, quite actually my success is to a reasonable amount a consequence of me giving a shit; And thats one thing not everyone can 'proof') or are it those that are "better than me"?
Thats the final thing things come down to - for me - at all, as far as this stands! I mean, whats the life you wanna live? What sounds more reasonable as a foundation for sodding freakin eternity, which is ... at the very least ... a pretty long time!? I mean - the more turbo you put into pushing ahead - the sooner you'll be exhausted and then, well, you're nothing and I'm zooming past by in a speed incomprehensive to your perception!

I mean, I already am the Queen of Eternity - and I guess its difficult to rise up above that! Purification can be achieved through effort, but that is only one side of it; It only gets "so much" done! But I don't wanna delve any deeper into that! I mean to say though, that if we have to worry for our existence 'in Paradise' because of 'discipline' - I'm sortof not sure if I wanna be there! At the very least I'll be happy to quit out of it right away and be happy with my shitty existence! I'm sure God also has a heart for that!


So, I'm not a fighter/warrior - clarity wise - where, I mean that someone who is into discipline - in the purest form - is for once competitive about it; At least, depending on the "art" - the purest realization of which I can think is fighting! I'm not a fighter though, or if, then I'm an amateur because my priority is somewhat different. Anyway - do I have to be a fighter? Whom should I beat up you think? And I'm not sure if you really want to combine my abyss with fighting skills!
Good guess? Broly!

The thing is that to me Broly was quite never actually legitimately defeated unless we can take the whole 'combination of powers' that seriously - and not just a Deus Ex Machina to save the movies ending from being horrible and out of touch with the main plot! I would say Broly would make pie out of Cell, and Boo is a totally different story; Where - I have to exclude GT and super from 'actual (holy/divine) canon' because Boo is the manifestation of the idea of invincibility, ergo: 'Demonic' - a threat that the logic of reality yet demands to be defeatable - which is something only the Genkidama can/could do (or something similar) - the evidence of which is that the power of the Genkidama "fucked" Boo into an afterlife as Oob! Good Boo on the other hand is something Boo had to remove from himself to become more powerful - and I guess that part is the playful sympathy for the weaker enemy. That thing that goes like: "Oh, I wanna have fun beating that bro up!" so the evil puppet master that controls Boo can have its sadistic fun in controling him. After expelling it, Boo went into what Destiny players would call 'enrage' mode - thus becoming even more of a menace; Only held back by orchestrating the final destruction of everything into a schedule. But so are the movies not effectively Canon to me either - perhaps excluding those that are specifically there to fill out certain plotholes, like Bardock for instance. The reason why Broly is actually undefeated for me is because he, at no point, was even trying! To do what he did! He just and simply is the 'Super Saiyajin' according to the Saiyajins very own code of existence. The ultimate maniac and killing machine; Where-as the type of Super-Saiyan Goku and co. become is a polar opposite to that maniac form. Although ultimately 'triggered' by negative emotions - possibly wrath - I would say that its a fallacy to think that the Super-Saiyan is an inherantly negative form. More so the opposite. So, though I exclude the movies from the Canon - they are still somehow part of the Lore; As Gokus transformation into a Super-Saiyan in his fight against Cooler is a hint at the fact that the Super-Saiyan is essentially triggered by the desire to protect life. Which is later explained as review regarding Vegetas stroy to becoming one. It is however Vegetas nature to be negative - so, the in-canon guy that "I might be", from that perspective - and he's at a constant struggle with his artificial sense of protecting life; Which is the reality of why he's constantly weaker than Goku. The reality however goes further, that without a pure heart he couldn't have even become a Super-Saiyan; Which is told in the part where Vegeta turns Majin until he realizes his mistake. Thats the final point where he resolves those last conflicts. Perhaps not perfectly - but its a huge deal that might help him turn Level 3; The requirement to which is an inherantly wider, more universal sense of protection - something that Goten and Trunks do, as children, inherantly own. At the very least once the both are fusing, as friends and ultimately shedding their individual conflicts through some kind of child-like attitude ("naivity with attitude").
Regarding my down to the Ground Character though I'm seeing most of myself in Goku. Equally is Gokus apparent stupidity, we might say, the representation of the abyss being closed away. I don't and won't say that God couldn't do that for me - but if he wanted to, I wouldn't have these struggles; And we all would just get equipped with these protesessis (??? too lazy to check in the internet because my smartphone is off and stuff) - but for what purpose other than satisfying ignorant demands?

Does that make it a bit better for you?
In the end I guess either one might/would stand up to tell the rest: "Aren't we all reasonable human beings?" - do we really need that kind of stuff in order to get along? God doesn't seem to believe that - or wants to give us time until He does so out of simple tiredness; But the consequence of that kind of life makes me believe that God wouldn't - exceptions being a way to deal with those that burned in Hell; Turning them into automatons that finally can't do anything but to live in Harmony with the rest because ... so! It isn't organic! Our inherantly free existence would be bothered by those restraints - and therefore God would have to excercise a level of control upon us that would keep those reactions at bay. Hence I would pretty much be Goku - and therefore legitimately invincible because huge part of me would actually be God pretending to be me! Or pretending that there is a me. I would only have my good intentions and God would do the rest because He has to take care of things playing out the good way!
So, call Gokus success either Luck or God cheating His way through an existence of Mortality because He doesn't have to kill Himself to get a point accross!
And Vegeta is the cool sidekick that can be a little grim because actually he is tame and doesn't need to be controlled as much as I have to be.
Reasonable?
Sounds acceptable - at least!

And yea, I dropped it - the term 'divine Canon'. I believe it is important for us to embrace this, because else the whole "what is Canon and what is not" nonsense is gonna be difficult - like in terms of something as Star Wars. I believe not that Canon is that what George Lucas had on mind prior to SW VII being done; But I believe it would have come together in process if he had the parenting control upon it. Now its obvious that everything got screwed just so that someone can have it their way - and well, I cannot accept that! We can argue this or that way - like saying that the real fate was influenced by Lucas' choice to sell Star Wars; Some 'Neverending Story' sortof thing. At which point we can also just decide to forget about the things we don't like and thus having new empty pages to fill. Well yea - I ... enjoy my Fantasy Epics ... not mine by property but my as a figure of speech, to say, things I need every now and again. I care about them! And as you can see with the Dragonball thing there is deeper meaning, sometimes, connecting Dots - that giving us the feeling that its a real, a physical stroy. So, if something is inspired it gives me the safety that the physical story isn't ideological bullshit either! But if we give that power upon Lore to people that are just interested in the money and the fame - well, there is nothing that keeps me actually interested in it; I can't take anything seriously and by the way; Its slightly different for those Characters that are actually re-invented on a regular basis! Like Batman. (Oooh, I said it!). You can't compare Star Wars to that. Those Characters have their origin story next to all their crime-fighting; And the crime-fighting is the contemporary volume of their existence - so - its only logical to say that these stories are good if they do sortof relate to the contemporary era of events; Which means that we should be totally fine if they are slightly adjusted to meet that contemporary expression. That way we can have more of them. If they had some fixed Canon - well - how could Superman and Batman be seriously in one and the same movie? What point would there be to watching a new Batman film?
I guess part of the Backlash against Batman v Superman was an Antichristian reflection of my reactions to Venom in the Spiderman film with Tobey MacGuire. I was one of those that disliked the difference. It is however not 'lore' we're talking about - its the 'fact of the Character'. Venom isn't a tiny stickman; Venom is a fucking Beast! Thats why it didn't make sense to me! No need to totally over-exagerate on the whole Lore accuracy part!
Get it! Higher wisdom is matter of fact Higher wisdom because it is Higher than normal wisdom! And not abiding to its souvereignity is foolish! OK, the consequences in struggles such as this are not really that big of a deal, but in the end we'll yet bash our heads about who's right while the total answer is there, if there is one; And there we have peace!
There certainly is always one! And if it just is "press to flush".
I guess this whole drama started round about Indiana Jones 4. The reason why everyone agrees on it being a bad movie is that everyone who saw it thought it was a bad movie - and whenever someone said that its a bad movie everyone else agreed. Nowadays we however are told that movies are bad before we even see them - which is totally not the same kind of bad. But for a time it worked - and perhaps "they" believed that time would never end - but - I am looking forward to its end because ... I can't take anymore of it!
My attitude regarding my own stuff, my oppinions of art, has changed. You get a tiny hint of that somewhere in the top of this. Its actually tied to what I might call a significant shift of perspective - and the gist is that I simply don't think that "they" are worthy of receiving any help at all. For a while I was like: "Well, at the very least there is the chance that they'll somehow get it right" (and yea, thats according to 'my' oppinion; Where to just echo my point of view: Avengers 2 is bad, Batman v Superman was great, Warcraft - the Beginning is awesome, X-Men Apocalypse I totally don't care about, 'the Amazing Spiderman' (the reboot) totally friggin awesome! Turtles - oh, what the fuck, please ... "shit+del, shift+del, ahw, sodding hell!" ... I want to unsee it! (slightly exagerated, but yea, terrible! Awesomely fucking terrible! Its a missing the target while touching it with the gun already type of fail; Wrong on too many levels to ... OK, I'll stop, here, ... now!)) - but I can't handle that anymore.
Perhaps this is mostly subjective stuff - but if every good idea I had back then, that I was a bit louder about, was turned into a total desaster of a movie (Dragonball, Indiana Jones 4) ... I have my reasons to believe in something ... "High Level" going on!
"Buelch!".
Thats another thing - so. There is that picture I'm piecing together from things - and the "joke" is like J.Lo bursting into every discussion that revolves around me to heavily laugh about what a Jerk I am. Snorr snorr! To be more realistic I think of a huge network of misrepresentations. So, one 'symptom': The incomprehensive amount of negative backlash to some very good movies; And a totally incomprehensive amount of praise for total bullshit! To me that says: Someone is trying to 'kickstart' their claim of being 'inspired', of knowing what people want. How that? Yea, by mass manipulation! The only step back I'm gonna take from defending Batman v Superman as a good movie is the fact that I'm usually sold on a movie if the beginning grasps me. But I have seen that movie, in total length, and I cannot - for the Love of Christ - see how that movie is any bad ... outside of yea, the lengthy sequences between stuff, the arguably bad quality of the stuff that these length sequences are between - I mean, yea, I can ... see that. But this kind of oppinion does only come together if you start not actually valuing the 'heart' of the movie. I mean, what do I care about 'the Flash' being that guy that appears in that scene for whatever reason - it happens, it may be resolved, who cares? - its nothing. It doesn't add to the plot; It may do so later; But as far as I'm concerned it isn't what the movie is about! The movie is about peoples fear of Supermans power; The fear of being powerless; And Batmans and Supermans own personal struggle with the world they live in and their motivation to make it a better place. And at that rate the movie is fucking brilliant!
But the manipulative forces of our world rolled against that ... at which point we're also sortof whitnessing "the full extent of their power" - uhm, botched Star Wars reference.
Maybe not full potential; But a display of power - to an extent that we may actually introduce its existence to our common senses!
Anyway - I guess its "their" belief that such things don't matter - because for as long as the Banks support their thing, they don't have to care, well, "because: Money!". The thing is that money allows people to be rich without even doing a damn positive thing, at all, ever! And people that have a good heart and work their ass off get jackshit!
So, whats the difference between me and a Reporter? The Reporter gets payed for spreading the news no matter how insignificant they are. I don't get payed for spreading the news no matter how significant they are!
Who's doing a better job? In life? At all? Financially?
Well, sorry! I don't mean to fuck with you!

But so - yea. Now you've whitnessed a part of me that is totally independent to me being a whore. But so, the story is totally independent to everything other than being a person that exists in this world. And I know that I'm not crazy for "thinking" that Dragonball exists and that it also does exist in your reality. You may not be as familiar with it and if you're sensitive to reality issues that might be a weird issue to be bothered by ... well, thats an abyss, isn't it? Sorry. Well, may as well be nothing. Anyway - you then so may wonder: Why do I have to be a whore, why can I not be that kind of person? Well ... "spoiler" ... I already 'am' ... you know!
And it is un-fucking believable how difficult it has been to get that accross!
Its like "Duh! Hello! Yea, there's a tree in a forrest!". I may - at some points - however voice myself in a way that leads to the impression that I don't wanna be this guy - but I don't believe I can undo being that guy! So, in the bigger perspective time will take us to a point where such commentary isn't really significant anymore - as we can say: Thats when I can actually retire from this position; But actually since 'my existence' is a position of sorts - I can't simply retire. But I can withdraw ... so; ... what I'm getting at that these final things are a mix between Knowledge/Perception and Character. This Character is very compatible to living like an animal and not loosing its ... cunning nature. All I - in that sense of what I am - need in order to be this way is something to have an oppinion about and the insight to express that oppinion accordingly. What I'm getting at is that Character isn't that tangible of a thing. We only get a perspective of Character through "actions" ... or to be more 'fundamental': 'expressions' (an action being an expression). And if we want to separate actions from expressions we credit the different levels on which we 'express ourselves' - and that we haev to differentiate nonetheless. Effectively I here am however only telling you how bright I am and how stupid you are - kindof - and I guess that something you don't really need ... at least it'd be fine if I could shut up for a while! I'm at that point more like a "You Suck!" Alert - but, that is of course self-critical perspective. It would honestly suck if that were all I am. I mean, I also do want to contribute to peoples happiness - to your happiness - outside of being a Whore.
But the truth is still that I'm writing this because something is wrong - because I have the feeling that I need to address a couple of things in order for things to turn out good.
A part of my criticism earlier is actually very positive; Where I'm giving credits to people that did a fucking great job, in my oppinion. Getting beyond the whole artwork struggle, contending about what is better and why, its at least so that I don't believe that I'm the only one who can do anything right - and that is what I want to tell you; 'You' as 'target individual' specifically - all in all - that you don't need an authority to do the right thing. All you could possibly need are people to look up to for some reason - as a source of good advise; But that the majority of the good you can do isn't born from meeting other peoples expectations; But by effectively "surprising" them through you being yourself! For a short moment it may have seemed as though we're entering a cycle of "what I'm saying" sortof struggle - but ... "what I'm saying" is "what I'm saying" - and the truth is the truth!


After all ... well, I guess I'm done here. The rest is - possibly your take on it. I can however certainly not continue to play hunting my own tail forever. I might come back to this stuff ... but correcting or changing something like this ... content-wise ... isn't really something I'm looking forward to! ... Time! (Oh yea: July the 8th, 2016 AD, 2:21 a.m.)