Fighting Games and Experience

"Windows doesn't even have a proper Shell!" - so, one of the arguments (some while ago) of a Linux fan about why Windows sucks. Well - nowadays Windows comes with "the Power Shell" - but it doesn't change anything about the matter. See - sometimes we humans we just stick to what we know, to what is common to us - and an argument that makes sense to us doesn't necessarily make sense to someone else.
Then, so it seems, it comes down to people like me to clean up the mess. To clear out the misconceptions. The issue right there isn't that Windows doesn't have a working commandline in it - the issue is what it does. Or, ... how it works. Why it is there for. Yea, that latter one.

It is an intrinsic statement to the quality of linux compared to Windows, it is that because Linux works the way it does it has a commandline. A "proper" one.


But slowly it has gotten to the point where such efforts hurt. I know why I'm making them. That because stupidity hurts. It hurts that some people are just so godawfully stupid that you have to spoonfeed them the tiniest shit it seems. See ... the Internet. ANd while playing stupid they watch you and pay attention for what works, just to copy your accidental moments of grandeur and take them up into their repertoire of megalomania.
The Internet is dead. US democracy is dead. What next?

Oh, there is already Tech that can alter images in realtime. It seems. Like, turning summer into winter, removing objects; ... so, soon enough and there is nothing that can be trusted anymore. Who knows - maybe none of these words ever actually make it into the internet.


Or, at least not in the way I'd hope.
Yea, in the way I 'would' hope. Because - the moment you're too specific with your words it feels like everyone else is now then privileged to misunderstand them. Or, what 'do' I hope? Really? Actually? And this is a tough one. Its a tough one because it is tough. So, whence I'm pessimistic and full of negative expectations and I only want to see the world go to hell - then thats what I'd hope for. Or 'do' - in that moment. What I 'do' hope isn't necessarily something that lines up with my emotions. It takes an effort to actually change my mood. I mean - I 'would' if I had to make an effort of actually making it a statement.

I mean - its difficult. My mind is here, my heart is there - and the two don't really seem to get along all that well. Judging by my emotional status I'm a piece of shit. I have no hopes, only cynical or lazy optimism, no motivation of any kind ... and I want everyone to die. ANd why? I don't know! I suppose its just 'easier that way'. I mean - the way I am there, emotionally, I don't even really understand the history of it. I do however realize that a lot of it is because of stress. Balance issues. Like, too much bad things happening, ... that has an impact.
So the reality of this asynchronocity (deal with it) is that my "heart" - that whatever it is - is like a twisted and bent structure or lump of metal. Its I guess what happens. Once you set foot onto a journey you don't know what will come; And the longer it takes, the more your initial expectations vanish into irrelevance. In the beginning you may be full of hope - but then, you expected the desert to be just, a quarter of that size you crossed already - and still there isn't any end in sight.
And if you ever do that step, into that journey, to make this world a better place. Well - so far - it seems like the best way to end up as a broken person.

Then they compare the success of sharkish capitalism vs the failures of moronic religion and believe they have a point. [sigh]


Starting up I had this sense of confidence. No mountain would be too steep to climb, no planes too wide to cross, ... I was my own personal genious and time and time again that has led to results. Results that backed up my claim. Bit eventually it dawned upon me that there is a flaw in that. I can be smart all the way I want - if people are just too damn stupid or lousy to actually listen - what good, what use is it?
What else can I say? Well - one of those moments again. Nothing left? So - "the end"?

My head is aching, its crumbling ... its telling me to stop. It doesn't want anymore. Its failing me critically. Well, at least it has gotten better over the time. But - something is awefully wrong.


I'm certainly feeling better since I'm wearing ladies underwear - which, ... brings me back to that. I've outed myself to my Mother, ... and judging from the "crazy echoes" its not only her contemporary and my Sister that know. Well. However. Its good. All that I could have expected - plus the support. Its strange how my family can be that way. Being full of support but still making me feel like shit. If I had to derive a script for a comedy from this, I'd draw them as so overly supportive that it hurts. Which isn't quite the way its going down, but it gets the gist of it. Its like: "Hey, look good! But whats that shitty thing on your neck? (Oh, its your face)".

But well. So I went to that supper I got invited to - and I was thinking about whether I should dress up or not. Well, I didn't and I felt shitty for it. So, just the next day my bro and his friend had the idea to visit another friend at some Christmas market in some 1 1/2 hours by car distant city he was working at selling sausages. And so I dressed up - and it felt right. Except the city is ... Schwaebisch Hall ... its like no good for high heels. They didn't say anything about my new getup - and thats alright. A few times they mentioned my shoes - and yea, ... whatever. I wasn't wearing anything extraordinary anyway. All I changed was having titts and wearing heels. And a bit of makeup.

Initially I felt great. Returning home I felt as bad as ever. Well - sortof. I felt bad - but for reasons I don't understand. I feel - hate, or hated. I guess it makes sense for me to believe that they are this cliche type of male whom all these feminazis are upset about; That they accepted me for not being this Trans person - and now I'm doing it anyway.
And on the less public notes - there is this rape thing. I mean - I'm getting these feelings ... like I should be scared to become a woman because I'd get raped then. And this is a very important topic to me, actually. Its all about Jinx. And this situation is to me pretty much like the dreams that Anakin Skywalker had which ultimately made him fall. So, the premonitions about Padme dieing. Eventually even more so after my Mum pointed out that I could get raped.

Around some corner of my mind I can't help thinking of my Brother as of a Psycho - and I don't know ... why I'm still playing games with him. Or his friends. Some part of me would rather not. I wasn't anticipating that my family would make such an effort of 'integrating' me into theirs - where parts of me are certainly fine with that. Then I don't want to be paranoid. Then it also just happens to be that they pretty much, at least vocally, agree with me politically. There isn't really a dissonance. But isn't that how they would fish me?
And so I get to look at my past, sometimes, and wonder who "was" actually 'not' actually an enemy in disguise. I mean - I'm generally passive - not looking for friends. But once I have fun during conversations ... well, ... why not?


The issue why I really can't be friends with most of my friends is that generally our interests don't line up. Well - they do, eventually - so to the point that there are ways how they can line up - but effectively there is a disparity as to how well we are thereby. Priorities~ish. I generally find myself in a situation as the one previously highlighted in terms of gaming. So, they play their games - which is already one situation where I dump one friend for another, basically, just because of habits and interests - and I play with them, but ... I have a different schedule. I can try to align to them - so, getting up early and going to bed early (and that actually helps too ... as, once I get up too late I don't really get the "programming thing" anymore) - but eventually thats just too tiring. Maybe thats just bad habitual reluctance to perform well, definitely something I shouldn't just brush off, but generally my stance is still that my doings are too chaotic; So the schedule needs to adjust to them rather than way around.
So, maybe I should have focussed on going to school rather than getting high.

After all.


So, anyhow. I figured back in the days, where my two friends were homeless as me - that while we got along like besties; I ... well ... sortof thought more of myself. While they would generally celebrate getting drunk, ... and yea, actually, and doing so by getting even more drunk, ... I was troubled by what I could do "at home" with my computer. So I did my thing and didn't mind really beating myself to a compromise that'd include them.

So the one left pissed off - and the other, well, ... he left off eventually as well.

And maybe there is the real reason why I've been making so little progress. Too much distraction.


But it all sortof comes to play together.
And maybe I'll get raped after all. I'd possibly have deserved it. Or maybe not. So they deserve some punishment. Whatever.


What did I want to ... . Well, so I'm having my own plans - yet - in the distilled look at my past none of those ever ... "made it". So I'm left with the feeling that all those inner tensions that are dragging me to "work" are actually bad. But how could I resist them? I can't!
Yet so. With those two guys my real problems maybe even just began. They were/are guys - drunkards - so, in that category of "stone age" ish behaviour. Well, when drunk at least. Saying, I didn't feel comfortable as a tranny. Its not that I ... had plans anyhow - but eventually it hurt' every time a little whenever they said something that would make me feel incomfortable. Which also reminds me now of that song. "Gangsta for Life" by Outcast is it, I think. "ANd I don't give a shit you bitch coz I'm a gangster for life!". Certainly a catchy tune. But I never really could jive with the lyrics outside of taking a really extremely metaphorical stance with it. Yet - seeing myself come out as a woman also makes me more comfortable looking at myself that way and looking as such at my surroundings. I was shocked - sortof - that as my family started to embrace the fact I felt ... almost ... heterosexual. I mean - I made a silly joke along the lines of "now I just got to find a rich man to marry" - and I was shocked because it didn't ... resonate with my "I'm not into guys" side the way it should have. So - I mean, apparently or obviously my family didn't know where I was on that issue - so I had to clarify that I'm yet into women. But ... weird experience. Makes me question the whole thing.
Well - somehow. Just as all the 'male wishes' are slowly vanishing. Whats left is that "maybe" - for the sake of argument - I could be something in-between. So, a 'real' "Tranny", basically. But this whole topic ... lets forget about it. One thing I can say is that when I'm feeling really down, ... its not that 'positive' (or "positive") type of stuff that gets me cheered up.

But that is also just for me. During those lonely nights. As I also ... have to distanciate myself from my male side. More and more. It almost hurts. For the moments those pleasures are certainly still good - or enjoyable - but, ... I have to realize more and more that there is some lack of something in those pleasures. It has always been that way. Initially it wouldn't bother me because I didn't know. Pleasure was pleasure - and so that. Yet in the meantime I usually masturbated feeling female - getting off on that side of things - and therein is some substance of something that ... makes sense ... because it resonates more with the rest of me. Now I can't really wear boxers anymore. And I really do care more for myself now. Its no miraculous turnaround, ... no miracle cure, ... but actually tending to parts of myself ... more freely ... is a huge 'up'.


ANd yea, what could I expect? I can't expect that turning my gender will make me forever happy. Saying so were like saying that every person that is or has ever been unhappy should consider a gender change.


What matters to me is what feels right to me. And being out there hearing the 'clack, clack' of my heels as I walk feels, well, strangely comforting.


During all this time I've become less and less of a gamer. The thing is - I don't get it. And this is something I should be more concerned about. It recently got to me that sometimes I feel strangely empty, ... or, tension-less. That is until I look at something that to me is 'profound'. By that I mean that it goes deep inside me - and has some substance which I then suspect can be traced by "them" and fiddled with. So the "idea" of why I'm a gamer. "It tickles my senses", but nowadays this tickle has somehow stalled. There is no tickle - but reluctance instead. Yet, whence I'm playing certain games, all of that negativity is gone. Dragons Dogma is a perfect example. Absolutely gorgeous game! Comparing the 40 bucks I spent on it to the however many bucks I spent on Destiny, ... Dragons Dogma is the far better gaming experience. Though I dumped a whole lot of more time into Destiny. And thats the next thing. I believe that playing Destiny diminished the value of gaming for me. Cynically I would even say that I spent half the time I spent in destiny just waiting. Be it in the tower for friends to be ready or in the raid for everyone to get their shit together. And raiding with Pubs, ... its a double edged blade. With competent people its fun, ... but ... when everyone is basically in a different "phase" - real life - the whole thing doesn't gel and people start talking of abusing glitches.

ANd then its just that. In and out. And more of that. Which is good and fun - but - eventually I want to do different things with my life.
And thats I think where Dark Souls comes in. FOr me at least. Being that kind of game that is still by all means a game - and it is hard, like it wants to punish you for being a gamer - but then, you only beat it by being a 'true gamer' - sotospeak. And Dragons Dogma is just so ... much distant from a loot driven game, ... although it is still all about it? Well - its a "group think" problem I dare say. Speaking of DIablo or Destiny as "Loot games". That thats what it is all about. Which has created this weird economy around virtual items. That cost nothing to manufacture after the first build - effectively. Its just copy and paste.
Automated.
Back in the days it was a neat gimmick to have a different costume ... "You can play as ..." ... and some people play it like this and others like that. Some play it to sell, others play it to look. Somehow. ... Well. Its ... rather shallow actually. Although ... enough is enough. Customization is good and all that ... but I'm not trying to digitalize myself and only exist in that one game I so happened to shell a few bucks (too much?) out for.

(Note: In Dragons Dogma you get some overpowered DLC items (so, the PS4 version comes with DLC) and it apparently doesn't even want you to finish the first campaign. I ignored that. Didn't even sell those items. Not touching them! ...)


ANd so there is this sympathy for Loot Boxes that I'm having. It did creep up. Its ... weird. It helps me to think of Destiny as a way to punish myself. So, being in this grind where nothing but Loot is all that matters - which some have pointed out is why they don't like Destiny anymore and I defended Destiny for it not being just about the Loot - its like that creep sortof made it up my skin and started some symbiotic relationship with me. Its like I want games to have lootboxes so I can continue the pointless grind. But I don't! And maybe I shouldn't mention it, ... but I'd say that such things 'cannot' work, long run. Such manipulation works on us for the time ... but one way or another we're going to make our choices ... . Or should it be: Sooner or later?

Well - anyhow. Here we can have a 'capitalism vs socialism' argument by speaking of 'how games got monetized and how the market behaved'. Where we get to the 'golden era' - arguably the SNES - which is what defined what games should be. You buy them once; You thereby pay for logistics and accommodation or whatever, ... and it worked. Fantastically. Sortof. Then people figured: There is easy money in gaming. And things went downhill from there.
Arguably not for those who "gamed" the system properly ... capitalistically ... but material stuffs are just half the equasion, ... at best.


IMHO. I mean, non-materialism worked out perfectly so far. Aside of the fact that I'm poor. I live a well life - as well as it gets with 400 euros a month, in Germany. But, thats another story for another time.

And so - which Fighting Game won? I mean - Street Fighter V did get 'so much' bad press, but ... of all the games that had some potential of taking the crown, ... it seems like only Street Fighter V is quite actually still around. Because e-sports? Well - I'm sure that plays into it, ... but in this fantastic world ... lets say the sports is there where people play. And as "expected", maybe, the game 'gains' depth. And that because it got well designed I suppose. I mean - the 'fact' that V-reversals cannot KO the opponent, that there is grey damage on block (which recharges) and red damage once hit, ... that you can't get KOed while blocking ("chip damage") except when hit by a super ... it doesn't sound like much but with a fight that is tense enough ... that makes all the difference. Eventually.

The wheel doesn't have to be re-invented because the first 'concept' proved to work well enough for most people.
Re-inventing the wheel only makes sense if you lack the most commonest of common senses/sufficient understanding of geometry.


ANd thats how gaming sucks these days: Its figuratively as though someone figured out that you can just draw a circle on a sheet of paper and people will buy it as art. But eventually you're getting sick of all the circles everywhere - and yet they then go and ask: But what else could we do?

ANd no - I don't feel capable of explaining such things to "a God". How dare I know anything better?


But yea, at the bottom of it - so its clear right now - my confidence is truly fueled by God. I mean - the issue that the enemy certainly wants to try to 'beat' me - in whatever game - but I can feel like nothing is going to stand in my way. Which doesn't say that could waltz right into anything, with head through wall.
But well.
Yet it stands there as true - at least as far as "this" is concerned, for instance. I don't need to be concerned, too much, about how I do what, what I care for and such ... all I need to be is ... simply me - and GOd will however do His thing thereby. We've had it in the past that apparently "nameless" individuals on YouTube would factor in ... and that eventually even to some major degree. With how much relevance? Well - it doesn't matter. I feel like the Dishonored Wolf does/will somehow have ... a not so happy opinion about me mentioning him. Although certainly understanding my motif and arguments. But its nothing thats gonna end right there and then on an easy note. ANd maybe "it" will never be resolved. So, in this sense this is a bit of an ongoing thing; So around the argument that we all do Gods will by somehow not knowing what we're doing actually. And that is certainly one of those points. Its just a thing. A weirdness about reality. An issue with the living God. How He does what, why and when. But it all comes to simple answers that everyone can understand; And it stays simple unless we wonder about ... whats wrong with it.
Like, why is this not so - or ... ultimately: Is competitive gaming even a thing?

So - Mena RD beat Daigo - after putting on his cross. I guess I can kindof understand whats going on in him. Can you justify a victory, ... in a sports game ..., by having prayed for it? Yet there is the issue: Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. And who determines that? Or ... how is it determined?
Where's the line between luck and skill?

And in the situation of Daigo vs. Mena RD ... I ... think I can "help". I have fighting game experience and certainly I've been wondering about those things. I had to understand at some point (during Street Fighter IV days) that God could definitely 'deliver' someone to my fist ... sotospeak. And thats really a thing when both players are sortof equally clueless. The more random each person plays, the higher the chances that one is going to wipe the floor with the other, eventually. Beyond that one has to actually think. And thats where it gets complicated because ... lets for simplicity say that thinking works differently for each of us. And we can see that in "Archetypes". Some are known for good guessing, others for good execution - footsies, mindgames, ... etc.. So, formulating a sentence I'd start saying that its silly to "move in" once your objective impression of the situation is that you should "get out". Then, as it comes naturally (gaming), every now and then I 'won' because I accidentally did something I didn't quite actually intend. But moving on we have to really get into the depth of the game. So, on the one side there is the argument that 'technically' I should be able to beat Daigo, flawlessly, without even perfoming a single combo. Just out of "sheer luck" ... effectively. But that wouldn't be me playing then. Basically. And outside of the occasional "good game" - ... . Well - the point is that if I for instance am not even familiar with a Characters normals - I shouldn't expect too much playing ranked online. From myself. Using that Character. And my evolution based on these issues was that I first learned to hold my own ground, basically. To so 'establish' a personal foundation that can be considered 'solid'. And while some 'noob' would not know much to associate to that statement, a pro would - I suppose - include 'everything' into it. So - not only positioning, but also the situational awareness and respectively conceived possibilities. Thats where the experience comes in.

The way Mena RD won that session, ... that was by being daring. So - a good indicator: In one round he just started by an EX move right away grabbing Daigo who wasn't prepared for that. (Oh, thats, ... Capcom Cup 2017). So, we can argue that Mena won by being more random. More daring. Yet, so my experience, that doesn't amount to much if you don't know how to follow up. Or how to handle the resulting situation. Well sure, pretty often you got to make up your game on the fly ... but it all comes back to your fundamentals.
So, while Mena ... we can say ... won because of God, we can say that it wasn't just that. And I would say that we can expect that he won't win Evo like that. God only helped him to find a way into that game - and show the world that someone like him can beat Daigo in a very important situation.
Possibly.
TO make this really simple: If you're a noob and fight online - how can those "experienced players" mop the floor with you while they use the very same Character? Why does it come so easy to them - not even using anything like complicated Combos or Fighting Mechanics. Like, once I see a noob I'm pretty sure that no matter what he 'can' actually do - I'm gonna have an easy time. Well, though a bit later I had to recognize that there isn't 'that much' ... or, the better I got the more careful I had to be. But it comes down to experience. And that mostly being a matter of situational experience. A noob has a given horizon. He has so much things he can do, plus the things he tries to get along with. And once you have a higher Level of experience you realize when someone is just a noob. You know what they do, how they will react, ... most of the time at least, ... you know their "arc", their 'potential' - and you can then easily play around it. So it happens that an experienced player can easily beat an inexperienced one just using light and medium attacks. Or just light ones maybe. And that because of the games depth, basically. Because the light attacks have a given utility. In high level play. ANd by only using those attacks you can basically "show" the opponent how the game is being played. Its all about when and why. Sotospeak.
So, because God is alive you can benefit from His benevolence - but it isn't Gods purpose to help you win!

Its all in all complicated like that - but I further don't believe that anyone who has some degree of experience with God can say that he or she doesn't have any choice in anything at all!


I have choices. I mean - I don't have a sense of direction, ... so there isn't really anything I 'have' to do. I maybe should be sleeping now so that I'm fit for tomorrow - that sounds like a sense of direction that actually makes sense. And why I chose not to and why thats the right thing ... well, it must come down to who I am and what God knows about me - thus being able to somehow work me into His plan!
For, basically I don't care if I'm fit tomorrow. I get up whenever I get up - probably am going to be well rested - I am a nights person at that, ... so ... this is just lazy-ass me, ... in that some regard.

ANd so I'm a bad example for many things. And a good example at that. My success is however that type of success that doesn't come from that ordinary sense of 'doing a good job'. Which also belongs into the equation.


And I'm sure that I can guarantee you that trying to get me into some capitalistic modus operandi isn't going to end well. It starts with my schedule - or my inability to adhere to one. Call it what you want.
Or me.
Or my behaviour.
God didn't "make me one" that easily goes with those things.
Technically it might be possible I guess. I just had to ignore something very fundamental ... to me ... and that type of story we've seen in movies.
In the end the protagonist realizes his mistakes and changes his ways. Happy ending.

I'm sure there are those situations that 'show' how competition is a good thing - but I'm sure that those situations are ... cherry picked; Or non-substancial once looking at the greater context and/or detail.


Its like making a case of Religion by stating that the Roman Catholic church/the pontiff is the highest Christian Authority. Thats like trying to claim that you're a star wars fan but then getting Han Solo mixed up with Captain Kirk.


Yea. So - as it stands the "current claim" I'm 'opposed by' is essentially that 'popular politics' doesn't work. That we can't (or, you, ... in the US) can't have a social security thing because its ... that. Popular. Or ... socialistic. So the argument "we've all heard at some point" is that the world doesn't work that way. Or like my gramps used to say (and he got proven wrong by the way) that "work doesn't fall from the sky". And here I think I can take some pride in myself ... sortof: At least having an edge in this whole "how life works" thing. To some that is a matter of making money. It doesn't suffice to have a job, because, having a job is 'actually' the worse thing you can do in this capitalistic world. Once you have a job you're stuck. Stuck doing it. And thats no different to me grinding for loot in destiny.
Although I don't truely 'grind/farm'. It just play the game and loot of some kind is pretty much guaranteed.
But yea, grinding tokens to have something to spend. Its almost like work.
But to me life works by sticking to God. ANd what could I/you expect? He certainly showed me that this world isn't any good for me, that I don't fit in, ... that sortof stuff. I'm not more or less of an outsider "now that I believed in God". I'm just me.
ANd how much of that 'isn't' me doesn't matter. If I would spend time now here on my computer anyway doing something ... it might as well be something thats useful, or good, ... or whatever.

Purposeful.

So, that seems to have done it for the Dishonored Wolf issue I've been bothered by.


ANd if you so in hindsight did something you're even more proud of - ... than elsehow - ... thats quite telling of what I'm trying to tell.

Where, the reason why I can't brag with my 'scientific achievements' - the whole journey, trials and tribulations, so on and so forth - is because I did those things because I am myself. There are a few good things I have going for myself, I'm sure, ... and every once in a while I feel like I have to brag about those things a bit more. To, ... make it really stand out just how much I sufferend and sacrificed, ... that sortof stuff. But turning it around there are those traits of my Character that work well there, which are really bad elsewhere. So, arguably there is a certain degree of stubbornness that I'm guilty of - and stubbornness is one of those qualities that stands out about Israel ... according to God in the bible (Forehead made of Bronze) ... and while it can be useful in some cases - it isn't really all that positive. I can also be pedantic, ... yet another thing thats good in some but bad in other cases. So there is that part of my life which happened as on rails. Thats, ... us growing up. Respectively. So I can brag about what my Characters traits helped me get ... but its nothing meaningful ... its ... basically just chance. Like, if you happen to look hawt - you might consider a career as Supermodel. Some have it that way I guess. Others ... don't even have the outlook.
And so the tough parts in the Bible I think are those where God 'has to be' strict. Which comes to statements such as that we should be hopeless. There is at least one passage where "a crumpled mind" is one of the things that God expects from us - so - technically being something to be looking forward to. So, it then lends itself to the "God is a sadist" type of narrative, ... but it is basically so that while we're in that situation we are 'most human' ... err ... something along those lines. I mean - we're ... neutrally so. We're most free of whatever random thing 'makes us'. Its the opposite to getting fed up with the own ego. Is that a good thing? I mean - some might not see the benef... the downsides of being fed up that way, or would find ways around them ... and so they wouldn't see a benefit in being miserable. But thats a misconstruction of that which is (to) be(ing) said.

Its however certain that if you can deal with that sort of disappointments, that you can be allowed to enter a more harmonic reality. Else you're certainly to be considered 'volatile' - and the less you get that, the 'more' volatile you happen to be! Objectively!


So, you don't do it for yourself or for God. And so most of the time we so get to learn about what consequences our individuality/independence has on others.

A similar story is going on with me and my Love. I would so make my entire life up to her. So to the point that ... in the ongoing sea of considerations, for once, I'm moved to the position of ... speaking out for myself in a 'therapeutic' way. So - what do I need? Or would I need? Is it ... having a dick or not having one? Well, it comes down to not having one - but - certain outlooks make me second guess that. I could say that certain outlooks appear more hopeful; ... but all that is just stuff at the side here. So, ultimately there is this "Black Door" issue - enslaved alike "to never be seen again". And there is enough leading up to, working around and happening after this 'moment' of enslavement, at least anticipation or ... .... expectation-wise, ... that makes me 'want' it ... but as you might guess this 'wanting' is more of a ... 'being'. Passive rather than active. However - so, in my fantasy it happened that one thing led to the other and so there is this example: If it were going on that we had some non-romantic relationship, so 'prior' to "it" being a thing like that, things would be leading up to it. If that would then lead up to a symbolic gesture; Like ... she leaves the house and depending on what she finds when she comes back its either this or that - and all I had to do were a simple thing to make her 'abduct' me - ... I would. Well - that is me talking 'now'. 'Then' the situation might be different; Depending on ... stuff. Maybe. Just saying that it hasn't happened. But ... from my point of view what matters to me is my own wellbeing. Or how I feel about either way.
Oops. Too much detail?
Well - this hypothetical situation helps me at least to ... relate to a point that matters to me. This hypothetical situation is thereby so that its easy for me to go that one way. It is even so 'designed'. So, I have my dreams - she discovers them, responds to them - and of course I'm supposed to respond accordingly. Its different to being required to chop a finger off or something like that.
This follows the narrative of that sort of outcome being inevitable. And I certainly have no troubles with that. What I do have troubles with are conflicting motivations. And while I do feel them to be gone eventually, ... thats all part of the guessing/uncertainty. So I say that I make it up to her. But that isn't like me being that way just to please her or be accepted ... as though I were sacrificing my own personal interests by doing so. I'd by the way be sacrificing them if I had it the other way. And I'm not suggesting that there is only one way for us to be happy. Well - in the big picture there probably is ... but that is a very ... 'generous' "only one way" I'd say.
Having it 'her' way to me 'is' the Therapeutic solution. And that I think also happens to be due to the kind of relationship we're having. I mean - she is that person who cares for me. I feel her care as a substantial part of my wellbeing. It isn't active care at this point, "obviously" - but still there is some active side to it which I'm not sure I can trust.
And I've had it a couple of times. I'm not asking her to make a decision either. More or less. She has to make one - somehow - "I guess" - where my solution is that "if she's not feeling it, she ain't feeling it". And if she does ... our life would revolve around getting there eventually. So, undoubtedly she 'does' as much as I do - but the way we will synergize when things are happening is its own story. If we can get off doing 'little things' ... while basically being mostly concerned of other things, ... then yea ... thats happening.
Do I have a part in that? I think so! Although on paper and all in all I have nothing to say about it - is my behaviour as an entity still a thing too. In the very dark possibilities even. Where, despite being beyond the issue of safewords there were a way for me to just 'shut down'. To basically turn 'undesirable'. "Too much stress" or something like that. And then the question is 'why' - but in this frame of reference the obvious answer is 'not' (as it 'can't' be) that the whole thing is flawed. Thats by the way 'blaming God'. I mean, looking for the reasons within fate - although the 'fate' in this scenario is entirely between two individuals. Which are Lovers so technically the whole conversation thing is going on there.

No, 'that' why is to be looked at deeper within. So, what am I holding on to and why is it such a big deal?


And so, that wraps up the story for the day.
Sayonara.



Instanciated Cluelessness

CNS.2017.12.15|04:15