An incurable disease?
[Jeremiah 30]
I had to think about this every once in a while. I - excluding today - have read that passage only once and for the most
part had forgotten what exactly it was about. For the most part all I wondered was: What is this disease? Or ... do I have it?
What might it be? Not being bothered about the context. Well, looking for it I even thought it had to be somewhere in the
book of Isaiah.
Its a weird passage. Thinking about it - even if I had it, I somehow had to wonder: Am I that much of a sinner? Have I been
... such that I really deserved it?
But that then does possibly depend ... as, whats the nature of those bruises? Or - if I had it - what do I make of it? Where
do I see my guilt? Or the punishment? What is being punished? How ... that?
I mean - looking at myself just in general I often enough find myself in some agony. If this ache goes away, another one
comes. Every once in a while - I think - its gone, ... things are fine ..., ... but then I just needed to take a look around
to get a sense of despair about my situation. Or - ... well. All in all I barely know my life without any of that. And sure,
saying so - is like a claim. "I am this person". But ... if I'm honest - thats probably who I am!
"Zion, whom no one looks after".
So or so. However. Thinking of a literal disease like cancer or such ... I so far ... so far all doctors have declared me
healthy. Aside of the psychological side. Yet I feel sick. Sicker than before. I have some weird headache - and contemplating
upon it ... I got to write this.
I so had a few thoughts - previously - that are suggesting that the disease is incurable because of its nature. Because it is
a disease brought about by things the world doesn't recognize. Like ... if I was haunted by a Ghost and all "Ghostbusters" were
just charlatans.
The first 'sticky' point I had on this matter was to think that this is a social issue. So, ... because I'm in this position
where I want to preach a religion that the world thinks doesn't exist ... sotospeak ... I can't ... "make any". Talking to
Christians or any other person of some confession - they are where they are. Others are Atheists. They don't care about
religion. So - being simply an outcast. Perhaps so as manufactured. Where there are those that live in anticipation of 'the
Prophet' ... there are people claiming to be someone is the big honcho - who isn't me. And ... whenever I read about 'Kyros' -
in the Isaiah prophecies - in context of that Prophet to come - I thought ... of someone like Trump. Just that the reality is/were
that he isn't helping me intentionally. I don't know. (He's the guy supposed to "open all the doors").
I'm confused by the English of the King James Version - and within this confusion cannot just go and pick a translation I like.
But there are a few points that are certain. Israel/Jacob is struck with wounds - and somehow that turns into a big win. All it
says is that its because of his Sins - but the Judgment ... well, came within that disease which is to be cured.
The pains I'm feeling right now are right now what I 'have' in terms of ... peril. And contemplating about them, ... the easiest
way to put is that I think they've come from playing too much Video Games. A few specific ones in particular. But it isn't the
game itself that happens to be the problem.
Plus ... thinking of when this may have started ... so, the first time I realized God as this "enemy" ... was while I was working
on some Legend of Zelda stuff. Things I meant to send to Nintendo.
And the 'sin' at that point ... hard to tell. However - it is this "hard to tell" that really ... gives me pain right now. I mean,
... lets ... ... woooza.
I got up today ... it was 1500 ... and I found myself reluctant to join the 7 days to die party. This headache. Plus I've seen
that I just got up, and right away ... the first thing I could do was to join; Until at some point we'd be done and I'd go to bed.
Then tomorrow - same thing. Sortof. With maybe a few hours of "spare time". Then ... monday. This guy usually sends a party invite
at around ... 1300. Thats like, ... its like he knows when I'm awake. Eventually I feel some tension that draws me into wondering
if he's playing already ... and round about that time an invite comes.
SO, with a little bit of discipline I can 'shove' something into myself that I can be working on to eventually forget and ignore -
yet sometimes there's just the point where I feel ... "done" ... or nothing comes to mind other than joining in.
What I ended up doing after some paralysis was to download the updates for Ark (Survival Evolved) - as thats the next game we want
to play. And so I ended up sitting there for the entirety of the 26 and the 5 gigabyte update (2 hours +] - partially falling
asleep. Trying to combat those pains.
Well - how to do that?
I figured that the problem must be somewhere ... in my heart. When I think about 'saying no' for the day - I get to feel like it
would be impolite, or ... something however that gets me reluctant about saying no.
Oh yea, I wondered about what it might be that they do to me ... that I should be worried about. And this situation of be being
unable to say no would be a part of it. It all kindof comes together in some weird way ... where, lets say 'they' are having fun
while we're playing, and I'm ... just playing but eventually I get a piece of that fun too. This creates this sense of comfort or
belonging ... some idea of "we're in this together" ... which, ... as I was previously writing about them to some capacity there
is this sense of denial when I would sotospeak "discard" them as friends. I mean - if I'm saying that they aren't really my friends,
as far as I'm concerned because of stuff, there is some strong 'no' that comes from ... 'their direction' sotospeak. Which is weird.
Its ... "disassociative". It disrupts my own understanding regarding myself. My "comfortability".
Stockholm?
Well, so far I realized that 'family' would end up being something that'd be important to all psycho doctors, ... where somehow
things "might" end up so that I had to admit yada yada ... and my family has to so and so - so that ultimately all that I think is
right has been doctored up as something thats actually making me sick and ... yea, something like that.
A sci-fi classic. It seems. The "Inverted World" Problem.
And there are plenty of issues that kept piling up. Well - maybe not plenty plenty. But - one of the things I associate to Raiding
in Destiny is "that one person" that can't get his act together. "That one thing" that puts a stall to an otherwise smooth run.
This possibly has ... hmm.
I was about to say: 'nothing to do with it'.
Its annoying, yet, sticking through with it - thats already mental work that goes into something. I'm ... already 'sick' from playing
Trials of Osiris (Destiny 1) - or ... technically even 'still'. And that just from the aggravation of getting nothing done - having no
synergy in the team. Arguably I'm the silly person that gets us killed - but if I follow their lead its not better - always some silly
shit happening ... its like ... cursed.
My Brother got enraged, deleted the game - and I was part of the influence that got him to re-install it. Yet I found myself wanting
to delete it a few times, ... too, ... but didn't. "Give it another chance!".
It doesn't seem to make sense though. Except ... slowly ... I begin to realize. One of the things that bothers me about my Programming
efforts is that I ... whenever I got used to some 'root' ... a bit later down the road I couldn't relate to it anymore. So, I ended up
having stuff all over the place ... like, ... 3-4 "active" roots - and no way to finally make some sense of it.
The way I relate to that mess now is that ... I ... get distracted, my mental composition changes, ... and then by some way - getting
back into it - 'feels' like I'm just about to start. So, over time - thats my conclusion - my priorities have shifted. And part of that
also comes from trying to satisfy the demands of the system. Trying to get my shit together by starting to find work, or, at least
adjusting to a 'normal' schedule.
And when I so try to think about how I could have success with my work - I generally don't see it happening; Except someone comes in
to help me. And by that I mean 'proper' help. Because I don't want to stumble into an inverted world dilemma.
The one insight that made me finally go and write this - well - which 'set me loose' basically was that ... "back in the days" (about
a year ago, ... 10 month) where we started to play 7 days I also started to feel sick about these efforts. Finding work. There my
Trans-sexuality was something that also came to bother me. The final thing though was that I felt 'good'/better just staying at home
and that mostly because I felt free to do some programming. Yet, ... that generally just lasted for the time I would have been 'there'.
At that measurement. So, at around 12 o'clock ... nose-dive.
So, its as though there was a 'hole' ... a pocket of air sotospeak ... during this time I should have been somewhere else, not doing
anything at home. And sure, no surprise, after some time ... staying at home didn't really help either.
So, what I was trying during the Ark update download was to ... artificially 'drag' 'my Mission' into my heart. So - the idea is like
... there is a cone ... like a circular cutout of a planet ... so, to the core. Thats where stuff is dense. As I previously noted a
feeling of emptiness ... thats also where I realized something that is there, dense, ... which is ... Street Fighter mechanics. So,
thats 'still' there. But even just thinking of it already has an effect that goes about disrupting that. So - I'm actually my own
enemy at this point. It gets disrupted, ... 'loosened' ... and so by the law of ... dense stuff moving to the bottom ... that stuff
moves up making space for other things.
And what things? Well - right now that I want to play 7 days to die with my Brother and Friends. And maybe this means that the Duke
Nukem Forever devs 'really' messed up by playing too much W.o.W.. Could it be that simple?
Well, what happened - as I so tried to 'foster' the significance of 'my Mission' - well, first of all I had/have no clue what thats
all about. It was just hypothetical. Just the idea. To get it there - to maybe gain relevance so I'd have some space to evolve that
into something. What happened is that I felt pain in my head - or my heart. Shifting back and forth. And so while the download was
coming to an end - I already 'had prepared' to say that I'm kindof through with 7 days, that I need a change, ... and what they so
thought of starting with Ark today.
What strikes me is that I don't feel like I have the time to concentrate on my programming. And that would/should - in a way - settle
the foundation for me to do other things. So - if I don't have that time, ... I might as well ... just wait and do nothing.
Once I'm getting up past 12 and I know I have time until 8, thats not enough. Usually around 1600 I start ... to loose it. I suppose
as I'm getting mentally prepared for ... whatever. Same with the measurement. Although being just 3 hours a week - basically - that one
day 'break' messes up everything. So because I prepare to get my work done in chunks. While usually once I see I have ... 'so many
days/weeks' 'off' now I get somehow excited that I have a lot of time to work on my shit - but somehow I can't pull through with it.
I don't know why - and maybe thats where God is doing His thing ... delivering me to them. Because ultimately its right ... I can't do
anything but ... wait.
But well. So - the thing goes on that I for instance tried to focus on programming but usually got distracted by something to write
about. Otherwise ... I just ... had a brief moment of "looking up/forward" ... contemplating about my freedom. And while I felt like
I should have that time to contemplate about my work, I'm concerned of what my friends are doing online.
Or ... "friends" ... as ... what mostly bothers me is what they think about me. And thats the part I think was the problem while I was
working on those Zelda things. And I think that all that comes down to the issue of me ... well ... being in some state of disbelief
about their true intentions. Although on the other side - while I'm stuck wasting time with them, getting addicted to that kind of
waste, ... plus more and more incapable of actually thinking about what I should do ... its somewhat clear that nothing is going to
change whatsoever. "While I'm having a good time" ... somehow. But then I don't really see what I could do. Other than ... getting out.
Even breaking up all established bonds to my family. It can't work. Objectively. I'm reminded of a dream wherein I lived in a house
that has been empty - ... and it resonated with that strange feeling of 'getting nothing done' that was however still there after I
basically 'quit everything'. Then I went into a hospital - and somehow everything was a big mess.
Which carries over that it isn't just a physical problem. Like that 'pocket of air' suggests - its ... Astair/Jinx. If people for
instance get themselves 'hyped' around a fake idea - regarding me - so, maybe, that I'd ... invent the warp drive ... that influece is
going to interfere with what I'm actually having on mind. That causes stress - and with nobody around to have something of a shield ...
as established by our own hype ... our own awareness of what we're doing ... some basis ... of something ... I'm ... exposed to it.
The only plausible way out is to share my work ... online. So there is little to nothing someone could get wrong about it.
Sure, and around some corner that also seems to connect to the issue that nobody seems to be able to take me by my word. If I say
"this is whats on my mind" - people don't believe it. And maybe that is true by the degree of how corrupted I am.
I mean - the statement that I'm working on a Game/OS ... really doesn't make sense these days anymore. I barely am. And what I am doing,
... well ... is far enough away from anything remotely practically resembling that statement.
I don't know ... "Its inevitable!" ... ??
But yea, then ... help is coming from afar. I so can tell myself that I can't cure myself. ANd so I'm slowly starting to convince myself
that I might be ... you know ... joining some session of 7 days ... or ... Ark ... because ... why not?
Because they'll adapt and try something else. Whatever. Leaving me there ... without anyone to play until I'm sorry - and then coming
back like nothing happened and being nice to me. ... No. I ... just get reminded: The reason why I think I should be working on my
... "thing" ... is because I'm inspired that way. Those ambitions enter my heart and get me ... passionate about it. The problem though
being that beyond that I can't make any sense of it. To you, I guess, this should - I suppose - mean as much as that there is some
person inside of me that has control upon certain parts of my mind. The subconscious. And so in terms of taking me by my word that is
to tell that you should rather listen to my words rather than how you feel about how I feel or shit like that.
Maybe I should just try to get up earlier ... ... ?
So, interpretation 1: Its a social problem. I have 'no' friends. Period. And I don't care what whoever thinks about what he/she is for
me - we're not in sync. Not 'on par'. We're ... not living in the same world. You may be comfortable within this world, with how things
are to some degree - but I'm not. I'm not supposed to enjoy myself herein. Neither can I ... really. But ... what 'can' I do?
Maybe the problem is self-denial. Maybe ... I should start to speak more in interest of myself. Thats what my Transgender problems are
about, ... and ... why I complain about 7 days to die while there is an alternative. And if I want more - I should try to live my life
accordingly. Just getting wasted ... is probably not the best idea.
Nothing ever stopped me from writing ... ... but ... then its my programming efforts that get in the way of that. Probably. Its ... a
mess. Chaos. And right now is maybe not the best point in time to change something. Its Saturday evening. ... ... and I have the
entire night ahead of me to do something. Then the day tomorrow. Got an appointment on monday but then ... free going until Christmas.
Hmm ... and I ... want to play games?
Well - I guess ... I can't help being a sinner. Right? Who can? I mean - somehow I can think about those verses and get the idea that
my punishment is 'larger' than it would/should be because of reasons. Like ... that everyone is looking at me. Why can I this and that
and why am I not so and so ... whatever.
I mean - I generally try to ask God about what to do - ... but saying this might get you high on a wrong idea. Like, ... when do I ask?
When do I miss to? Whats going on in my head according to which I can refer to God? What is the situation? At any rate - you see my
failure and berate it as the consequence of my beratement with God. #sin. Well, I'm getting impatient and nervous. Got to ... .... play
some game.
Hobbitses of Hobbiton
CNS.2017.12.16 | 21:20