Its all up to You - then
Thats the gist of my story so far. If you want to read through all my stuff - go ahead. And I
mention this because ... let me be clear here: I didn't know what to write. But something is
bothering me. So, basically the headline would have been "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP" - followed up by
me going onto a rant of how fucked up my mind is right now.
I don't know where to start. Fact has it though - that at whichever point I want to start my
story - I can actually add the sexual twist to it; And in the way my mind is 'seemingly addicted'
to that take on things - thats more and more the way I will go. Although something inside of me
does violently resist - to a point that I do have some legitimate split psychology - two isolated
mindsets with somehow different concepts and beliefs - to the point that I want to push through,
make "this side" heard again in some weird attempt of crying for help, somewhere along the lines
of: Please don't listen to me! But wher am I then? Still in the same spot! The core of what I
'actually' have/had to say doesn't change - which by the way includes that I repeatedly state how
the bigger problems with Unification and me are matters of society. Its not a "loner" religion -
I'm not supposed to turn into a space-wizard because if, why would I have to go through this in
first place? The only answer I got is: To gather intel on whether or not God does do the right
thing by dooming y'all to hell. "Let me try to talk to people". And after ups and downs, wading
through the dirt and rain - I got to say, yea, go ahead! Fuck 'em! ^^
So, do you want me to turn into a Superman? Well, maybe! I ... I'm not that bad - I guess!
And yea, lets ignore the bad guys for a while. What bad guys? Fuck 'em!
Its up to you! Either way and anyway! Whether that includes me or not! I mean - it of course does
include me in some way - but - in more detail the story so far goes also in about into the
direction of actually ignoring me 'for the point' of digging that whole "its up to you" part.
Because ... what can I do? If we generalized 'our community' then - well, I wouldn't be the one
who started it! God did. I mean - the whole Unification thing, thats Gods community. Not mine.
I'm just a guy - or chick. Whatever.
So, I'm troubled ... now what? Evidently I am. "Evil" has been out to hide and fight the truth
for centuries now - maybe even millennia - and right now - I'm the guy who, if he messes up,
messes up everything. But you know what happens in Star Trek when ... lets say Captain Picard ...
gets ... lets say ... assimilated by the Borg? Do all the folks on the Enterprise go like: "Oh
no - we lost!!! Lets give up!"? No! They fucking go at them and do the impossible!
Just so, an analogy to 'being stronger together'.
Ignoring the whole sexual side of the story - or whatever might be - what could I do? What am I
prepared to do? I would, if it were up to me, probably continue what I do - just in a more
publically recognized position. I so would respond to different things, like, stuff that actually
happens 'and' is relevant to 'us' - in a positive sense. Or so. At least - something else than
laughing about Trump and SJWs and such. Or those Anti-SJWs that we haven't heard a lot of so far.
Trump supporters - in essence!
I possibly wouldn't jump right back into decrypting those books no matter how well I felt - as
with all "projects" I had/have on mind but couldn't ever quite get to - because, putting too much
weight onto only two shoulders isn't a good idea - though, by taking these things upon me I yet
would advocate the same. If I were a different person I possibly would have a job "by now" -
and would tell you the same things, being conflicted about how my 'personal preferences' impair
or improve my work here.
So - I first of all want to thank God for giving me a better headline than "SHUUUUT UUUUUP" to
start with!
I have a hard time keeping things straight - unless I go sexual at which point I have a hard time
not decending into the abyss. And yea - same old. Confessing that leads on to the next. Its like
an invisible bridge - or rather a magical canyon - where you just throw a stone into, yet it
floats. You jump on it and woop - there goes the next. Seeing the decline of my mind as a good
thing - and from there on its just like [toilet flushing sound].
But thats a 'course' I feel comfortable with. Clear - when considering it for real that this is
where God works with me - whereon my mind is established - what makes me and ultimately: What
matters to me as an individual - where in the end, on judgement day, I would be called forward
to give Testimony of the Lord being asked about what matters to me and how God did right or
wrong to me.
How can I tell? I'm sure I can tell you more than just that! I mean - if you killed Google right
now - all search engines and methods of research - ... I'm sure I'd come out smarter than most of
y'all. I may not be a specialist and an amateur at best when it comes to things - but I'm a fucking
amateur at fucking everything! And I still can count 1 and 1 together.
I at least understand enough to understand what I could be - what I might want to be - and really,
the closest thing there for me is programming. Not only would it be close to my gaming passion -
but its intellectually challenging work - its the perfect mix between creativity and logic - much
like writing a novel but more restrained through the specifics of the "machine language". Though I
guess you can have plot holes in both of them. (Bugs and Glitches - a.k.a.: Inconsistencies within
the logic of the writing).
I know who I am! I maybe don't fully understand why I am the way I am - and yea, for some reason
I'm compelled to give up to the pressure of shame - to say: "OK, I'm abnormal - I need to change
my ways to become more acceptable!" - magified by the craziness of my abnormality - but one thing
about this craziness is that the emotional "fluid" it exists within is extremely ... uh ...
'wealthy' ... rich? ... vast? I'm sure - if Neurons firing had a color based on what it processes
I'd be glowing pink!
Godess of Lust is certainly a title I could live with!
Maybe. I ... I'm not wanting to make it too big a deal though. I'm actually quite little compared
to my words - I guess. But so the wooden beam - that has to be ripped from my head. Without the
reality of myself - who am I? I'm nothing! Nothing but a "fag-ot". Like with Unification. Or to
keep it simpler to the not-yet-enlightened mind: the Matrix. Ignore the Matrix thing - and who am
I? Add it - and all of a sudden being against me is social suicide!
But thats just one thing. Its a ... "neat little trick" if you so will. An ID card. Yo!
"Don't make me show you my badge!" - don't know who, don't know where. Sanctuary I guess. Season
4 or 5 somewhere.
Or ... I mean ... do make me! I dare you!
I cannot speak about "my reality" that doesn't exist! I'm not Trump! I mean ... yea, nice point.
Its one of those things. See - why is Trump so stupid? His people denie a story while he sortof
openly confesses it? It doesn't make sense - until you see it through my eyes. It makes perfect
sense - as of the "evil genius" thats behind it. For once are his confessions no real confessions,
so, can't get him with that. Legally. So, yea, "fuck the Law". But its not so simple. We have
rules for reasons. Like - if the President wants to do something - it should go through "the ranks"
and first find support before getting a thing. To say - there's a process to prevent a person, no
matter how dim or bright, from doin silly mistakes! Thats the same issue with me and why I ...
"don't do anything" ... or at the very least need 'you' to do some stuff first. Its like in a raid,
maybe ... a Destiny raid - those jumping segments. If you're unfamiliar with that, the gist of
the story is that: Destiny has raids with Jumping segments in it - and usually some are better at
it than others - while some are so bad at it ... well ... it can take some while. So eventually
you get to the end first - and for the rest of the time - the best you can do is to jump back to
where the last one is, move back to the end - showing them the way, until they fall again ...,
and so on until the last one made it. Or you just wait - shove others who made it off the edge -
silly things like that. (I've been the last one too, ... at certain occasions. ... so, no need
to be ashamed! ... Although ... maybe! But ... whoever makes it through life without a reason to
be ashamed of anything ... gots to be a fucking space-wizard! Or ignorant.)
Yet so there is this conflict in my. Basically - old me versus even older me. But I'm "cursed".
I was good at drawing - and I even practiced to get better at it. So, drawing eyes over and over
to improve how I draw them ... things like that ... but yet - I don't have the talent for that
Level of artistry that people 'of my age' that 'are good at drawing' (per se) have. So, can't do
that, but I love to. I like being creative - or - yea, fallacy! I'm not creative per se! I so far
basically was gifted with inspirations I'd say. Which brings me back to some decent - which is,
I'm a bit like a dog chasing a stick in that regard.
I don't wanna say I'm bad at what I'm doing. I mean ... programming, writing and drawing. Every
now and then I get brilliant inspirations, but ultimately I can't use 10 solutions for 1 thing
without the 1 solution that really works in the context. My recent chunk of programming that I
did ... was in about like that. I started off with a reasonably simple solution - and somehow
ended up with however having two separate class hierarchies that basically did in about the
same thing, just, split accross two hierarchies. So, logically I had to fuse them, make them one,
somehow. And so a sweet little Marygoround of migrating code from one concept into the other ...
well, eventually I got there - and that is now "this side" of the story. I rise and fall, up and
down - or down and up. Its hard to tell! Yet more to the point does it occur to me as more
something like a miracle that eventually I end up where I wanted to. Strange thing: Without even
noticing.
But ... what exactly am I doing there? The original idea was a video game, then there were
inspirations for an Operating System that at the Core ... to my impression: is idealistically the
core of a Game Engine ... kindof ... at least did I eventually come to get into conflict, about
what to work on, while habit had it that I ultimately took the two together - and the more I think
about it - the less it all makes any sense at all. ... Whatever the case. I add to that, that the
moment the "ideological creep" that I'm supposed to finish my OS thing first before I can move on
came to my mind - the whole building also started to crumble. Leading me to stress that the game
won't be made ... not this way at least. These days, as from this very point of view, I have to
say: Yes - the inspirations just weren't there, the enthusiasm was gone, objectives became blurry,
... and what I take from it is: You won't blackmail God to make me do a thing that HE doesn't
want to be done (this way)! If its even a thing supposed to be done! By me.
I have to stop this. Its ... breaking my head. I'm now tempted to go down the "explain some more,
because ..." - so and so. Maybe you don't want to believe that my shit is useless or you want to
believe that the inspirations are good for more than just my own indulgance ... but so, I guess
the best way to wrap this up is to refer to the headline of this. Depending on how folks get at
me I might be more or less willing to share what I have.
While regarding the OS - there seems to be a book in those Volumes of books where I got the
Unification thing from - that is as an encrypted manual for given OS. Maybe. I'm quite sure it is.
I mean - its basically - obvious to me. But, some people would look at those books - then my
claims (regarding Unification) - and ... think I'm out of my mind.
Well - so, without even trying, I'm basically deep deep in the abyss already. Thinking about
these premises - whats left? Whats ... left for me? It is this 'failure' of everything I once thought
was given to me to do that feels like, ... someone just cut the belts of my Parachute. And that
... is now all in all ... the more detailed gist of the story so far.
And cut
So, what now? This certainly looks and sounds like a bad dream. Like - something that can't or
shouldn't happen. But why does it happen? Not too long ago I believed to have an audence thats
constantly updated on what I write here. Then, since recently, I'm not so sure about that
anymore. So, was I really talking to a wall all the time? So, either all those impressions ...
"the wall" ... were just 'mimics' ... mad spirits in guise of people I looked up to - to tickle
some secrets out of me - and then this question is gonna get a lot more serious, personal and
... possibly toxic. Like "you abandoned me based on some grudge based on something I once
said" ... I mean. I was all like: I got to do it alone. And someone would have responded like:
OK then, do it alone! Peace and out!
Or ... I'm just mad at the wrong people for the wrong reasons there - yet, the gist of the twist
were still the same. I'm alone! And I'm still not one inch away from the whole "doing it all
alone" attitude - except, the idea of 'what' I'll do has changed. I'm a free person after all
and if this is actually some weird cock-fight about who's right in the end ... well, sorry to
bring it to you ... (or 'not' bring it to you! ;) ) - thats the only card I got left on my
hand to play.
And whether the grudges I'm holding there are based on illusions or not - the feelings are still
real, ... feeling abandoned, left alone ... like ... yea ... Kerrigan in that Starcraft 2
Cinematic where she gets abandoned on the Zerg planet ... with the whole turning into the Queen
of Blades maniacal being. "Deathwing" ... my "brother at arms" (watch the World of Warcraft
Catacylsm trailer. But don't take it too seriously!)
Thats how I feel inside. Not always! I mean ... whenever this issue comes back to my mind my
blood starts boiling.
But as stated previously: I also get mad at my fridge for standing in the way sometimes. So,
illusions are perfectly capable of causing such emotional turmoil! Thats just a thing! And please
take that to your heart as well, that whatever grudges you might hold - seriously, please,
consider the possibility that you are perpetuating conflict.
Now on the other side - the story of course only appears negative when realizing that it is my
own mind that shuts down. So yea, God isn't helping me there - but as its said: If a son asks
his father for bread, which father would give him a stone instead? OK - so, I'm asking for "bread",
say, I wanna be good at programming and so on - but is that really what I want? To spin this in
favour of the Biblical expression: What I want is a happy, satisfying and fulfilled life - 'the
bread' sotospeak. I just so would mistake a bread for a stone and so get things twisted.
Or - do I not?
So - is it still Gods fault?
Well, making it up to me - I don't want to ask that question. So no, I don't want to be good at
programming. Or drawing. Or any of that. And that because I don't want to pay the cost! The price
... of ... my soul. I believe that this is what the Bible meant by warning us to be careful of those
that want to sack our souls. Its not a material thing, as in "selling the own soul" ... as though it
were some gem we could hand around. No! Whatever you commit to comes with sacrifices. And there
are some people out there I believe that don't really understand this. Those would be the more
authoritarian type of person thats generally comfortable bossing others around. They got no clue
I'd say, no matter how much they think they do. They have power and authority. Take that from
them ... and now what? And by taking I mean for reals - taking 'the option to get on top'. Entirely.
Like ... its taken from most of us. And if that person were Agent Smith for instance ... applied onto
all the Agents!
And so I experience it: I think about asking that question - not passively but really bringing my
loaded heart before God - and right away there is 'slap' ... "this is what you'd loose" ... and so,
well, nope! No fucking way!
And so the issue is that: "this, that which I would loose" has been integral to my life since ever,
I mean ... noticably since my early childhood. And so God did send me here - provisorically speaking -
knowing who and what I am - including this very instance; And why am I supposed to want to get rid of
"that" which I don't want to get rid of?
So God should know that there are things I'll most likely never comply with - saying, those can most
certainly not be things God seriously expects from me! Or am I just ignorant here? Well, "you are
ignorant then!" - how about that?
As so the issue with beliefs we have and ideas we therefore advocate. Do I have a choice there? To
say what God wants? I mean ... whether it is: Sell your soul or the opposite? Well, of course not!
And ... which way is it? Whats the right one? I could tell you that its to sell your soul - just
so ... because ... whatever. Because it sounds right on paper when applied onto that one issue when
taken the wrong way, so, it can be taken the wrong way by more people legitimately and whatever.
Fuck that!
So, am I standing here with Authority? Well yea. The Authority of an Individual upon itself. Am I
too ignorant? Arrogant? On what premise would you judge that? On me having the audacity to consider
myself a free individual?
Good luck telling that to others!
I mean ... no Good luck! But ... God bless you to do the right thing!
Thats the "evil genius Trump thing" by the way. That ... "they" must have learned that the 'petty
criminal wisdom' doesn't work for reals - so, if you cover something with lies its bound to fail -
so - the Antichristians are actually, I believe, very straight forward with the Truth - like, some
shielding. It certainly does look stupid once you've gotten the right angle. Its like a Hologram
in that regard. And the failures of Trump speak volumes about what they believed, expected and
... didn't see coming!
Maybe. Fuck 'em! Whatever
And whats this with Trumps interest in Governmental Monuments of the US? Watched too much ...
Nick Cage movies? Maybe? Looking for some hidden treasure? ... LOL!
The most devious of all evil deceptions is the obvious stupidity - because - it leads others into
underestimation, for once, ... or, in the other sense, its too stupid to be that genious. And so its
overlooked! Like, whenever I can score a point ... "something must be wrong" ... because "they can't
be that stupid!". And once you're screwed a bit further - you'll see righteous talk for evil
deception and evil actions for righteous supremacy. Thats ... now thats really really sick!
And where are the Illuminati when you need 'em? Its like with God! You don't need 'em if they're
not there! Or they are there, you just don't notice it!
Matthew 23:9 by the way!
Always remember that!
And James 1:5 ...
The contemporary day Bread and Butter!
You could make that a great meme. So, M23:9 with a fitting image, and right next to that J1:5 -
that ... tells it all!
And because we're at it. Maybe not totally accurate - but on Trump: Rev. 17:8. And the Justice
Democrats might Love: Rev. 17:(1+)2. And for stupidity: 17:17. 1+7 = 8. 88~HH~Heil Hitler -
so - Faschism confirmed? ^^
So its the thing - I'm 'asking' you, though I don't really mean it as questions I don't have an
own answer for. Some I'm also really sure about. Which I say for similar reasons as that whole
"evil genious" bullshit. Its ... it stick in my mind as that ... the presence of a question is a
bit of a sucker in that regard. It shifts my position from being a position towards being debatable;
As though the answers to those questions weren't obvious enough.
Sometimes I also prefer a question instead of starting a sentence with 'so' - or so.
Or to introduce you to the next subject. First the question to "tease" your mind into an open state
as confronted with the substance of a problem - to then kindof seed out some information ... which
is really the least offensive way I think to get us all closer to the truth. That because I'm not
ultimately giving you absolutes to absolutely comply with - but rather so, if the information I
provide isn't sufficient for you, then you still don't have a satisfying answer 'for yourself' -
which wouldn't change if I had been more authoritative about it, ... so ... whatever.
I think though I'm pretty close to making it right for everyone!
And next - I'm bringing Christians and Muslims together in peace. ^^
Or ... you do it!
Or I?
This is a good moment to pause ... I ... think? Well yea, it kindof is. I meant to go on a bit and
reflect upon this situation from the other side of the story - but, I don't really have an answer -
... except that in the most logical sense ... its 'we' ... once we're ... in the same boat!
A legere introduction
CNS.2017.05.21|08:25