Phhhhhhhh ... right now I am - well - if I were to put it in terms of a Medieval mindset - demonically posessed. More on the slip into
Scientific Enlightenment I'd say that I'm under 'demonic attack'. And the more we get to a modern mindset the more this statement would
... decrease in simplicity.
I "snatched"? Well, there are certain things as of my ... "4 days ago" mindset there were quite similar to things I came to previously
re-iterate on - and I'm having a hard time to maintain that balance. Like - I can't ultimately uphold that belief ... that ... well,
essentially ... there is anything good going on right now. I'm practically 'on the fence' against in about just anyone I in any way
have come to sympathize with in some way - and that because there is nobody that I could actually sympathize with. So there is this
"thing" ... its not only about my own well-being and ... well, so - lets get into it.
In essence I 'felt' like I'm in support of whatever 'reasons for delay' anyone might have. So - you know. I keep on arguing out of my
impatient arse, wanna see things getting done 'now' - and rather than finding arguments against that I find arguments for that. It
does however not change the fact that whenever I have some "vision" about someone then taking that to heart and moving on - there is
this ... 'something' ... ... issues or reasons or whatever - basically arguing that there's yet something that they have to do.
Yet, ... I don't really see or understand what those things would be. The general idea is that they were angry towards me in a sense
of "you wanna risk 'that'?" - or ... well, anything along the general idea that it would be wrong because of some background reasons.
And so for the most part I would not really know what to think - yet so I can't really argue against it.
This 'demonic posession' is really a way of severing all possible ties - ignoring whether they might be good or right or true or any
of that. So that if there is any 'remote connection' I sortof make clear that I'm 'out' sotospeak - detaching myself, with (emotional)
force if need be - while on paper as so here that would translate into: Its over! Too late! You've done fucked it up! Goodbye! And the
first one to really "eat shit" - well yea, thats Monica. While I was however ranting off in my heart and mind - its "the other party"
coming in and ... yea ... sorry! That ain't happening either!
The more shit she got from me - that doesn't remove her from the top of my sympathy list. Just sayin'. I don't feel the need for giving
a damn and for all I care ... I just can't be arsed to.
But well, back to ... reasoning.
I don't get it! I don't understand what reasons of delay there might be. I just and simply don't! And for all I care its just some
hollywood/business nonsense - like they're hoping that somehow magically first all people got to happily agree with each other in peace
and 'then' they can come out with anything. I'm sick of it! How sick? The very first thing I saw of J.Lo after I wrote her seriously
believing that that was the way I should go was her posing for a calendar. And that was on news - news that my grandpa was watching. So
- standard news - covering a photo shooting of her for a fucking calendar. After the whole Matrix thing has been out there for some time
and it would have been time for something to happen what happened is that, yea, Monica Bellucci is in the next James Bond movie. Once
Turtles was airing - there was something like an impulse of relief like "finally its done" coming from M.Fox, but then there's yet that
other turtles movie - and when is this going to actually end? I can't believe in that nonsense anymore!
Now they're talking of a Matrix reboot - fuck that. A venom movie - fuck that! I hate it. Whats the point? What ... is the ... 'thing'?
Just another movie, just another album, just another role - give a shit, give a shit, give a shit!
And to really bring my emotions to you - I have no high ground to do so! To come up with any kind of 'consequences' that would correlate
to what I think has to happen to make anyone of them understand. Deeper within me - or, so, rather 'burried under issues and impressions and
things I couldn't properly relate to' - I had that attitude for quite some time. Saying that whatever it is that they believe would make me
agree with any of it - that'd accomplish the opposite and the 'snatching' is finally the point where I wouldn't even give a shit; And be it
Monica Bellucci who stood here at my door - no, not having it! Go away, piss off - I don't wanna hear any of it! Like - I ... can't! I can't
sympathize with any of it - like - there isn't even a need to try!
"Become a Mormon first" - like in for reals - then we might talk.
There is 'one' thing I could dig about that delay - which is a chance to right some wrongs without anyone taking them to my attention. So
yea, in essence basically catering to my pride - which basically establishes on the suggestion that there was or is something wrong about
what I'm doing here - and I'm given a chance to right them. On the other side there's that idea of maximizing the positivity of what would
be; So, to get as many people on the same page before any of the stuff is going down - and yea, that did also get me ... say OK ... sounds
fair.
But on the other side - I've had issues against that as well for some time. I even have a "word" of sorts for it right now - its the "I got
your ass mentality" - so, making a big deal out of 'where' I am. And the counter-argument would be that there were no point for me to be
"there" until 'blablabla' - which ironically is the whole crux of the problem I got with that but I failed at properly drawing that
connection. And I think thats because something about that was compelling enough to convince me.
But yet - all that these 'compelling arguments' have in comon is that ... it would work as some kind of movie scene where whoever and I
would enter a room; And that room would basically be full of people who wouldn't want me to be there. So yea, I can see why that wouldn't
make a lot of sense. But in truth I wouldn't even agree to entering that room because I wouldn't see the fucking point of it.
Its a bit of a 'not seeing the tree in the forrest' problem. Like - it was 2006 - J.Lo was supposed to be coming for me - and that was
basically supposed to be the end of it already. So - as there is the other argument that convinced me - being the whole: Why am I on my
own independent way to begin with? So, if Monica is Illuminati and she'd be coming for me and I'd be surrounded by just those - and nobody
else were with us - that'd somehow be a problem. Though 'Illuminati' is here not 'the Organization' which might as well be just one of
many places where "we" are actually hiding in - sotospeak. (And the second Turtles movie was actually even somehow good! Certainly better
than that atrocity which was the first!)
Or as "Tupac" would have put it: There is no way/reason/point to move forward if there is nothing to move forward with.
And while that line of reason certainly "gets me" - I can't ultimately embrace it! Its like ... its an out of context problem.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
I mean, I don't believe in this whole 'impact philosophy'. Though actually I used to play Protoss in Starcraft II - which is basically an
'impact philosophy' centric playstyle. "More bang for the buck". As opposed to 'zerging' which is - throw as many needles at your opponent;
Eventually it'll summ up. "Death by a thousand stings".
I mean, to say that I don't believe in it isn't right per se - and, if I look at/think about Bernie Sanders - I have mixed feelings though.
He is however the manifestation of what I was proposing for quite some time - and every now and again I find things oozing through where I
can see my influence once I read between the lines - like Bernie going for the deep-red states, that seems like someone actually took what
I was telling you here seriously! And I don't mean to argue for or against it - and I can sympathize with the efforts behind it. I mean -
I don't have an urgent need to stand in the spotlight. I never did - though I myself believed that that would be whats supposed to happen.
Where I fail to by in sync with that is however where I got to look at my own work - what I do - my ambitions. What can 'I' do? Where being
left alone to me mostly seems to be rather detremental than anything else. But sure - if thats a case of God allowing me the wrongs and giving
you the rights - thats how it is.
I mean - as far as I can tell the Antichristians are dissipating into irrelevance - "although" things happened as they happened - "although"
they're running the US Government - but yea. And I can't really say that I do believe that they repented, but neither the opposite. I mean,
whatever. There's possibly still a huge amount of them that didn't - if anyone did - but ... yea, whatever.
Furthermore however I do have a raw problem with this 'impact philosophy' - which in essence is that it is too artificial of a solution, not
really organic; And ultimately too much of ending at a note of demand. Like: We here now present 'this' to you which we have worked hard for
and taken a long long time to come up with and now you better appreciate that! (By the way: He believes in Pedophilia)
Where 'impact philosophy' works for me is in terms of response. But there is no impact to my response if there is nobody actually watching
or listening.
And then something confuses: I would say that I'm like a robot in the sense that there are a lot of buttons you can push to get me to do or
think certain things. Which would be effectively "professional whining part 3". I used to be a crybaby and mostly - well - that story ...
begins in my childhood - where eventually I'd see a toy I wanted to have and I would start crying until I'd get it. I mean, there were a few
occasions at least. That might relate to the tickling. So, that my dad would tickle me until I cry - to generally 'push' the crying mentality
as solution to my problems. Now being older that has some reverse psychology to it - saying that once you accuse me of whining I'd want to be
reasonable about it and so would actually turn against what I was whining for.
On another note: A lot of "I should"s basically play with the "and if you walk through the fire you won't be kindled" prophecy. But turn that
around and throw me into the public sotospeak - nothing prepared, nothing setup; And how should that not work out? The idea being that of just
igniting a more public conversation to then have actual arguments that do actually make sense. And that not - once again - in some sense of
putting me into an artificial test-chamber. Its about a real back and forth - a productive waste of our time. Talking to people - believing and
trusting in their reason and intelligence - if thats what they claim to have - ... but I myself refused that as whats supposed to happen because
of Isaiah 42:2 - which is a verse when taken literally and applied on me, I did already violate against. Long before I got baptized - and since
I got baptized - I may have violated that more than once already too. So, already I don't understand what to make of that verse - and now my
voice is on YouTube anyway - so - whatever. The thing I would however really 'not' do - which would work in regards to that verse - is to literally
go out in the streets and start preaching the gospel there to get people on my side.
And I do understand that this is a problem; I mean - that I may not even have been willing to give any interviews. Yet thats a conflict I would
have comen around sooner or later because in essence I never believed in trying to fulfill those prophecies out of my own effort.
One thing I've learned throughout all those years is that trying to make people do what you want is bad! And I actually learned that lesson quite
early on. Surely not in all of its nuances - but enough to say it once and twice and over again. Ice Cube does play into my hands there. The thing
goes: "If I robbed you a knowledge - ain't nothing to it" - so, its this idea - thats where I learned the first lesson. So, 'Astair/Jinx fiddling'
as I would call it now. That were about trying to right someones mind by force. What I mean here should be visible as a general philosophy of mine
once you think of how I've been going about this for all the years. I mean, us is not about making people think we are heroes - but about 'being' heroes
for the people. We shouldn't think we can make choices for anyone - thats, ... overthinking it way too much.
Or, what is the problem?
As I previously mentioned is there this thing that got me - saying "You want to risk it?". The probelm I feel is - they would be coming at me, triggered
by me somehow ridiculing their intellect or belief or something, with a general attitude that I'm wrong about it anyway. So you would do it for the wrong
reasons already and I'd possibly have a greater struggle relating to you than actually doing anything else/reasonable. So I say "fine, have it your way"
- and how did that work out so far?
How would that have worked out if I wouldn't have been here doing my thing?
As it stands you/they are hiding the truth from the people - and I'd say mostly because they don't believe in change or repentence.
As it stands, this is still the whole 'Son Gohan vs. Cell' type of story. God is Goku who calls for Gohan to battle against Cell while all and everyone
is like "Woot? Is he crazy?".
"And sorry if your ignorance doesn't convince God to bestow my wisdom upon you!"
Give me that story in the Bible where I (Eve, Moses, Jacob, David, Elijah, John) haven't been generally looked down upon! And however I play things through
in my mind - more often than not is the end one where you convince me to hate you - to close all doors and deem myself better off without you! Any of you!
Give me, give God a reason to sympathize with you!
"Because its more happy family-esque" isn't a proper argument!
How do you expect me to calm down and be chill with in about just anyone?
If all you do is step on my back, trampling me into the dust, ... like, on what basis am I to acknowledge any of your efforts?
Think about the story where Moses slammed the stick at that rock because the Israelites pressured him into doing so - the reason why God was mad at Moses.
The premise being that what they wanted did make Moses act 'against' them in spite - not out of Love but in order to silence their continous nagging. So
technically Moses could have also hurled fireballs at them - right away, straight up - beating them into submission with the stick - and I'm willing to
assume that I'm the problem actually - that I'm the one having too high demands - and despite those feelings being (still) pretty alive within me -
milennia have passed sotospeak ... and yet is forgiveness not the highest doctrine. But - I would argue that we have come some way to let go of our
emotional biasses.
I hate being told what to do - and mostly because that is interfering with my relationship to God. And yet I don't see how anyone would embrace me
not also implying that I would fail. So, I guess I can appreciate that. So, that you/they don't or wouldn't. Whoever. But I summarize from my
lifetime experience: People wouldn't let me do what I want and keep telling me what I should do - going out of their way to burdain me with responsibilities
that I say I can't/don'twanna take. When I have an issue people wouldn't listen to me - and after they had it their way they're coming at me for advise
because they failed. In the meantime I'm obviously a goodfornothing you don't really need for any reason - and so I'm out here alone wondering where this is
going!
So - is this actually how I feel about all those that are supposedly on board with me? Where yea, I'm getting to a point where things are as far as I'm
concerned things are not actually all good between Monica and me although thats kindof whats supposed to be the case. On that note I might be the problem
as I'm not really giving her a chance to proof to me that she loves me - as deep down I also kindof believe that she actually doesn't and I'm too afraid
of letting go in any way, shape or form.
Anyhow - this would explain a lot - but there is no reason for the Antichristians to be even just a little bit enthusiastic about this. None. And especially
so because I hate 'realtime problems'. When it gets to that I'm possibly the first one to give up.
If she so far hasn't done anything stupid though - uhm, no ... I guess I'll take weed as compensation for my troubles.
I gather that God is convinced that I 'am' the peoples hero - and that it is God who wants me to shine - and that this finally entails that I wait until the
end where it gets clear why God is my greatest fan! That everyone who looks down upon me is mistaken.
And there we go again! Whenever it gets to that I get a vibe of ... people actually want to proove me wrong. That sortof based on the premise that ... people
think that "actually" I suck - like arguing about 'whom' God 'should' finally/actually stand with.
So - I guess to move on I got to say that God is a little bit of a troll. It shouldn't be a big mystery that a lot of the problems on this planet actually
spin around emotions. "Why so serials?". I mean, who of us can claim innocence there? The big difference between these and those would be how they react,
what things they would or wouldn't do. Yet its easy to say or see that unless that problem got solved, there won't be a solution ever.
Maybe I would fail ... maybe so in at about anything I'd wanna tackle - but yea, if I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle even against those who are
supposedly there to help me ... whats the point? As it stands God has given things to me - most prominently the symbolic position of 'the chosen one' -
and so, whats the thing I'm telling you and everyone? I guess the fact that people wouldn't believe Jesus as he was there with a lot more to back him up
is a good reason to be in the defensive ... and yea I get it, Atheists can be major douchebags when it gets to that too ... but as a more final question:
Do we really want to keep fighting each other? Being "there for me" is to say: 'no'! So, lets all have peace, sitting by the firesite singing Kumba-yah or
not. Whatever. Eventually its right - the truth is in the hands of the majority - certainly so when it gets to social issues. Mostly. Thats what politics
is about. Getting as many people to agree with you as possible. Socially in about just any idea is feasible for as long as enough people are behind it -
and for as long as God is backing me the general argument is that anyone who's trying to step on my back or get people upset about me is undermining my
cosmic integrity.
And if you aren't me - you can't really argue that people should be listening to you.
And I am greater than God in the way that God made me greater than Him!
And so did God not give me any powers like throwing around with fireballs and such - but yea ... lets move on.
As I was writing, God is a bit of a troll. And by that I mean, one eventually starts relying on certain supernatural traits - while every once in a while we're
moved to wonder - as it doesn't ever seem to be enough to get an edge of some sorts. So to say that while I'm getting insights that are beyond what I can see
- I've learned to take them with a grain of salt. As of that I'm disencouraged to lock myself up into depression, but to move out and seek the truth there where
it is.
So I used to look down upon them Antichristians - belitteling them because they're blind and dumb - but so they were the ones out there, braving the unknown;
Which is something I frequently did express my respects for.
On the other side I find that they there have qualities that "we" are desperately lacking - while ultimately I feel like the Antichristians weren't nearly as
keen on covering up my existence than the rest.
So I feel like nobody actually believes God about me!
Neutrally put I do have a serious beef with in about just anyone who supports this general idea of hiding me in the backroom - "and while God did bless you to
be a public figure you should acknowledge that its God given. So where's the mistake in 'demanding' that of me?". (I am not God!)
How is that parable about putting the Light there where it can shine unto as much as possible again?
So yea - if I took these things to my heart this is pretty much the Game Over screen. "You failed me".
I mean, what if Morpheus had said: "The One? Naah! Let him find his own way!"?
What gets me though is that I don't really believe that things could have happened any other way. I mean - I do suppose that there were people who are on the
same page as I am here - but they for some reason couldn't get their asses up either. Though whats the point? The point 'is' that people 'know' about me.
That when it gets to the matrix for instance, you're getting something more high quality than this:
while 'this' is pretty much so 'the state of the Kingdom'. As it is.
Whenever I tried to show any of the Matrix stuff to anyone they wouldn't even bother to look. Why? Because - I suppose - think about it: What does/would it
imply? "Here I am, the chosen one - living on social money - support me on my cruisade against this Godless world!"??? Seriously?
Thats not fun! It isn't epic! Its nothing! Its bullshit!
(I did by the way miss that one up. At some point I accidentally interrupted the flow because I hit the wrong button - as I wanted to ... push 'up' so the
title of the Video could be seen)
And I basically snatched because I assumed that people are actually reading these things but from what I've seen there - it didn't seem to me like anyone
actually bothers.
"There are no Slaves in Zion" - which isn't about Sex-Slavery which is mostly Kink and fun. If I tell you that Burnout is a thing and you just called me
lazy - this isn't going anywhere though! "We're" not going anywhere. There you failed to understand 'my mindset' - not even arguing that I have 'malicious'
intent - no - just saying that I'm wrong. That is slavery! Like I'm supposed to be the tool to anyones agenda. What else is slavery but demanding others to
do work regardless of their wellbeing because ... there is work that 'must' be done and someone 'has' to do it and so its right because else we're not getting
anywhere?!
If you're snatching here thats the same thing! You can't do the work and you're not even doing anything!
I'm further moved to say that being on the same side doesn't make us friends. To me, this low quality Matrix stuff is God showing you the finger - hoping that
I won't get it the wrong way. That as you're trying to flush our efforts down the toilet.
And another thing: There are the words of Bob Marley: "Don't let them change you! Or even re-arrange you!" - and I took them to my heart - prior to this,
some time ago - and most of my inner negativity is about the opposite. So no, there is no chance I'll turn this around!
I'm even moved to say: 1st of July is Game Over per se. So, because if I won't say it - there isn't a date that God can work with. I don't know - its just my
inner sentiment that a line has to be drawn so that God can blow out some punches with some context to it, as to why.
Which of the things that have been done 'against me' did work out so far? Indiana Jones 4? Star Wars? Street Fighter? Mega Man? In defense of Nintendo: There
was/is a thing - as I have reasons to believe that the CEO at that time was taken to me - in vision - and that maybe because they are the small guys that have
been excluded from suffering the same punishment as everyone else. But I can't take anyone in defense aside of the one guy there - which is probably the now
dead former CEO of Nintendo.
And they were as polite as to reply to me and send me my stuff back.
And yea, well - on another note on Nintendo though: There is this church/cathedral ruin that everyone who saw the early footage of the game should be familiar
with. Thats an image I did have on mind since I was working on my globe stuff - though as mapped on one of my globes. Making me feel even more comfortable for
not having worked it out properly - as - "I saw it coming".
And what have I done wrong? Explenation?
And I'm not sure. Is Spectre more of a "Fuck you (CNS)" or more of a "Hang out there (CNS)"?
"And neither should you throw your pearls before the pig" - arguments?
Did I now tell you enough to convey how I think about this?
And yea - this is what happens 'after' I ... "fell". I mean - this is as close to that as I would ever get. Its not even noticable. I have no reason to. I'm
inclined to turn against those that betrayed me - that dumped on me - that forsake me - and at times I can take that against God - because - where's the
point? What is He doing? Where is my 'way'? What sucks at being me is that at the end of everything I'd be the last man standing - and all you could ever
do is make things more difficult for me. So guess whom I'm gonna hate for that!
And here I am. I hate what I wanted rather than taking that as a reason to betray God and everyone else. I called for a devorce - regarding Unification and
God - but not 'whatever the consequences'. And after a good sleep most of the negativity is gone - and so I come to believe that I'm basically ending up on
top of whatever game we might play. Maybe so you want me to get born into even worse circumstances - so, why don't you name it straight away: You don't
want to accept me ending up on top ever! And so I'm calling myself out! I ... don't wanna have anything to do with (any of) you - suck my balls and peace
the fuck out!
"But what about the Children?!?!?!" - hmm ... yea, ... thats actually ... a thing - you know! I can't ... blame them for any of the nonsense that others
are pulling off - yet, while God hasn't torn the veils of our skies yet ... there's hope. But next time God needs a hero He can't count on me - I suppose.
Reluctantly ... I would certainly not be a fan of the idea. And please don't take that personally!
There's a little thing I want to share. It might sound strange though. I'm living in a place ... that has me fighting windmills. Once I clean up, shower,
toilet or kitchen, anything - its usually dirtier the way it was before in a heartbeat. And then it just stays as dirty. You go to the toilet - and there's
still a half-full roll of toilet paper or more. A few hours later you got to take a dump, don't think anything nasty or bad, and then you ... got to take
notice that all of it is somehow gone. Like right now. Just some while ago there was plenty of it left. I however thought: Don't trust the toilet paper -
and yea - turns out I was right.
Today we were told that by monday this place has to be tip-top, and I certainly won't move a finger until sunday!
And I'm sure I got to stay on the fence - and if I catch that person ... I don't know what I am gonna do.
Violence is however possibly not going to be the answer. I do whitness the uphill struggle of one of my neighbours in that regard. Aside of me - I don't
know whom he doesn't have beef with in this house. Sometimes it happens that people are coming downstairs and start yelling at him - as last time some
people would shout things like "go away from me" - like, who's the one who came down starting to yell around in first place?
And if I exclude him from the potential culprits - there's only one guy left. And if it turns out so - I could at the very least cut his internet - as
he's currently using my W-Lan and he isn't even paying for it.
In the beginning he used to give me a little piece of MJ every now and then - and the reason why I'm not confronting him on that is basically because
... in a sense I'm buying peace. And it isn't even certain if he's the one. I could however more easily forgive the other guy because he at the very
least is cleaning up here every now and then.
The phrase "don't judge" does vibe with me pretty well. I appreciate that as I'm pretty much of a peaceful sentiment - and so I take those mischievious
people as something you just got to deal with. You build, they toss something over, you rebuild, they toss it over, you rebuild - and so on and so forth
- where in the ideal case you eventually get something done and you can forget about them; While otherwise they might succeed - but yet you can relax,
understanding why you failed while every time you tried is yet another coal thrown into the fireplace prepared for them.
And you didn't even mean to put it there - but clearly - if that fire gets lit - there are so many coals of you therein that you ... can then stare
at being fascinated by the flames and so - I mean, I certainly won't feel guilty for trying to do the right thing and if that fire ever burned - well -
yea, why not! Let it burn!
And thats how I feel about this too. I can only try and try again - and eventually admit defeat - though I might at times just out of bold cynicism wanna
do stuff. The one problem I have here is that I worry that this won't ever end! And the idea that there are people that are asking for it - thats just
sad! I don't know! I am really really mad and upset about things every once in a while - but - in cases like that I somehow just can't! Its like, the worse
of a person you are ... the less I would bother to actually hurt you. Maybe part of it is because of some Jinx nonsense - but yea, whatever.
Its not worth it!
And if everything goes to shits, its just this world that goes to shits - and its their fault. So, yea, its easier to digest your anger by thinking of that
time where you could just cynically applaude them for their grand achievements and then ... you're just gonna turn your backs on them and whatever they
got coming, they had it coming!
Its ... worth mentioning though - as something of a warning: agony can arise quicker than you might guess! The one moment you think you can handle the worse
of punishments because you have a strong will - thinking of those feelings that sortof give you that idea that thats how it will be. But what if they just
won't flow? What if all of a sudden there is nothing but boredom?
Boredom and disappointment?
Hope and Disappointment?
And why would anyone want to redeem you?
However. Regarding Monica - the idea that she actually fell off isn't far away from how I felt about her for some time - and yea, that relates to the whole
'Enlightened version of Evil' "Christian Satanism" stuff. So there's the idea that she fell off and is in some crazy Devilsworship that she'd want to drag
me into - and first I might get my pedophilia kink satisfied until I get my whole 'getting raped' side of the fun. That is pretty tempting. And so I've been
taken to an edge quite some time ago. That of embracing an existence without her - or to follow her wherever she might have been heading for. And so I've
been in a state of agony for some time - and the closer I got to a state of embracing the evil from a non-evil perspective - the more agonized I have been
when heading the other direction. And this issue is the last entry - I suppose - regarding my stance to this whole ... delay upon delay nonsense. That this is
how it would have to be - that peace came about without me being in the spotlight - as to the point that there were no need for me to ever be; And that is
something I'm willing to eat the whole shit for.
Not so much the part where I get to fuck children - but the part where I'm just locked into a prison to get raped.
Where there then will either be those feelings that'll keep me afloat in that existence - or not; And if the latter were the case, the whole thing would
certainly be wrong to pursue.
Yet, when taken to that edge - its ... its a generally weird issue. Depending on your mindset you're either incapable of making a proper decision or you're
however biased. Yea, I mean, what else is choice but an expressed bias?
I however don't want to be taken to that edge in first place. As far as I can tell - there is no choice though, there at the edge. If there is anything to it,
its all about the experiences that we are looking for - while satisfying them would take us to a point where we might want to rethink our intentions. But of
course it can't be all that. It can't be so that people who did a lot of evil could then just go like: Well, sorry - and thats it!
But why not?
Because they will have to make up for it in some way - because if there were even just a little sense of righteousness within them, thats what they would want!
And so I "fear" - actually, in a sense - that I'm truely 'made' incapable of not being with Monica wherever she might go. Though that wouldn't make me follow
her to hell. It'd only make me feel miserable for the rest of my life without her. And how absolute can that be?
As it stands - we'd have it our way - you know, because of principles and such - until we have eaten enough shit - and actually come to God with an open mind,
desiring a discussion. And that to me is the end of 'tall demands' - to actually epxand things on a logical basis fit for comprehension - as opposed to making
any choices based on emotions. Like - based on my Kink I want to take away all the possible ways for me to not get raped and feminized - and as far as my
"sub spirit" is concerned thats part of my attachment to her and others. But I never really found any real peace with it until I took it that every relationship
that my male heart has to anyone is already an independently valid thing - and so each of them had a 'right' sotospeak to have me as a male. And thats I think
what Monica wanted to hear.
And that is one of those things that gets me - waiting. I mean - there's some difference between whether I would say this 'then' - or 'before' it all starts in
some way. But I also did get to an end there! I get it - its ... in the end its just pride! Its something I could appreciate - while yea, I dig it that this is
a one time opportunity and so why not take it? Yea - but when I see that it are minor issues like this that I would keep on struggling for month if not years
about ... I sortof come to ... say no! Like, what the faaack! Like, whaat? Where - what? Why?
I wouldn't want to go to hell for some bullshit decision someone else made; And neither would I abandon anyone for some selfish bullshit - and - there really isn't
enough memory in the internet to say just what huge of a pile of bullshit we're talking about here.
And because out of being emotional about stuff I was trying tear that 'slave garment' off of mine - that - 'thing' - that - "wedding "ring"" - and most of the stuff
that I wrote here follows the same general idea - to - get that dark miserable turmoil expelled from my heart. Yet that whole 'rig' is still there - and that because
I don't want to get rid of it for the heck of it; I mean ... time is a thing that matters here. At first I tried to rip myself loose from every attachment and it
made me feel better - but that is like the '1' on the clock - speaking of that mindset as a direction from the center of it. And so the pointer would eventually come
to hit '2' - so, there's a variety of ... lets call it a checklist. Call it a safeguard. Or a measurement of reason - or of how unreasonable one is in that state
of ... 'taking more dramatic actions'.
So far - any 'commandment' of the voice of Monica that entered my head so far meant something. Its like something I can struggle against but eventually find myself
"condemned" unto. As of that the next step for me were to loose my mind - and to take my attachment to Evil to the next Level. So I'm taken to that edge again -
abandoning Christ to become a part of her evil habits - and there are already pathways in my spirit that "allow me to go down that road" without any conflict.
I had to put it into quotation marks because I don't see what I can 'do' - likewisely. And I still have troubles with that whole idea - given that I ... well,
the whole thing ... there are issues with safeguards for instance. Ultimately I've come to the point repeatedly that ... well yea, like, saying that its 'Evil'
'but not'. And I don't want to sever my bonds to God. At which point I'm either just like 'watershy' - or actually 'lured away from God'. So - and I want to believe
that this whole game is eventually getting too silly to be played seriously.
What then gets me is the idea that this whole play won't ever become 'real fun' if it won't ever be played the right way.
So far I'm 100% on Gods side - and if anything changes about that then ... its the number growing rather than shrinking. There is only one thing so far yet stuck
on my mind against the things I've written so far - regarding the delay stuff. Which were that you folks have done enough to actually no longer require my presence.
That much should be clear. Like - I don't need to bloat myself up as "the One" because "give me spotlight" - where, as far as thing seem - I have reasons to be
optimistic about that. And about going down "that road" - I so far have come to write a few things that basically happen to be a good and reasonable foundation
for now at least verbally doing so.
Its all about emotions. I mean, there is stuff like - say of something that the Illuminati did it and people who believe it would right away take it as evil.
While - once that has actually rinsed through peoples minds - we get to a point where we can co-exist ... while what matters is that salvation comes to everyone
and we can enter a future of peace. Like, I can be evil all the way I want ... if I don't do anything 'bad per se' - it doesn't even matter. 'Iniquity' is what
we don't want - confusion about God is something we don't want. So - the important stuff that matters - thats something I never will (want to) oppose. So to me
it comes down to what I do; As what I want to do. If I 'can't' do anything - I might as well give it up and be better off in consequence. I would have fallen to
evil - and so far my oppinions on Video Games and Movies - despite coming from a righteous background can be considered as being actually evil.
What I would do - if this "road I'm on" weren't a thing were to do what I did all along. So, communicating with you to the best of my ability to get everyone onto
the same page of the more important things. So yea - in the end - we're talking only about appearances here.
So it concludes that what I'm asked for is to move away from trying to look as a good guy - while ... I mean, there are pictures of me where I would look as
posessed by a demon. As good as I am inside, as evil would I look. And - I don't think that I did so far have any success of changing that.
So my general idea is that this will be the last 'reasonable' thing I'll write - and next the 'index.html' will be changed into something else - and of course I
have to link to it somewhere - but I shouldn't feature it prominently. Or whatever. Anyhow - you get the idea. I will try to however more fundamentally embrace
the darkness within me.
Or I'll just ... yea, maybe that. I mean - just make it so that the truth is still here for all to find - easily accessible - while for the most part trying to
present it within a framework of evil. Whatever. I'm not sure. So far none of these ideas actually stick with me.
So yea ... lets forget about that then.
What matters to me though is that I would ordinarily feel ashamed for what I'm doing here - as I worried that people could get it wrong or whatever - to the point
that I can't say that there would be much of a difference if it would look all evil from the getgo.
Neither do I see this 'holy, all is Light' victory coming - it seems - surreal.
But so - whats left are - crazy religious people. And I'm sure that people would come to think of me the same way, however I looked. But I can't be too sure about
that. So, I'll see about that.
Yet I find that in essence everything to be told has been told - and as though I'd be faking my death, I somehow have to fake my fall - it seems. And so to the
effect that you have to wonder: Well, what does it change? You either find yourself on my end of the spectrum - or not. And I'm sure its easier for the bright
guys to do their bright stuff if I'm clearly on the darkside of things. There's a problem I yet have with that though - and you might guess it! So, people that
yet misunderstood whats going on. On the other side do I not know what to expect. And that I mean ... is also about me - inside.
In essence I have to give up being a hero - but maybe that prophecy is ... so, where its written that people will write my (?) name on their hands - that its not
the name of a human being, but that of a Godess.
So, the actual problem is that of 'how to fall properly'? I mean, I could be like: "Hey Monica, if you pick me up I promise I'll be evil" - but that won't work
for me without the/a proper foundation. And if anyone were to misunderstand where I'm coming from - there would yet have to be some issues related to getting on
my side that would sortof make it a technical impossibility to actually do something stupid in process.
A shiny disclaimer would however not do that trick.
Anyhow - there is also something about Economy that happens to be - connected to this issue. Like, there is that 'perfect Utopia' - the world without money -
while on the other side things are as they are - and ... while there is Good and Evil - money would sortof have its place - as a ... common language of some
sorts. But that as well ... I mean, its possibly too early to talk about that.
There has to be a mutual embrace I feel. Like, the good people embracing the evil people and vice verso. Just however no violence, no supression; So, none of the
actually evil things are supposed to happen! The thing then were that you good people went about as you deemed fit while we evil people did the same.
Anyhow - whatever I have to come up with - it has to work in 'that' context and not in this one. So, this isn't the right place.
Still - something needs to be told here. Whenever God calls for me I'm there - and whatever my mind is stuck in is like blown away. And Unification isn't about
God allowing us to get lost! There are times where stuff is more ... vague, more ... emotional ... and especially while we're uncertain about what to do there's
stress. Stress as due to cognitive dissonance - a jaring experience regarding what our minds are stuck within and what we should do. Or what we think we should
do ... for that matter. So I can't exclude the possibility that this "falling" is bullshit - although thats where my mind is heading. But if I don't get inspired
to do things accordingly - there isn't a way how that could happen.
As so there are times where things are more serious, more clean and sober - like, every now and then you might need a little bit from me to basically say that
I'm still alive - or to comment on things that I simply have to.
Hmm ... well. I remember an old dream that I once had. It was about stuff that I wrote that people were handing around - and for the most part that was white on
black - with a few pink words here and there - and people sortof ... couldn't dig it within the given context that one had to really look close to see the pink
stuff. People were not cool with it - until I changed it - and I wrote in pink on black - and things were easier to see.
But yea, now - ... theres ... a thing. Regarding expectations - what is temptation? What is good and what is bad? I mean - pedophilia, rape ... 'nether desires'
that ... well. Its evident that there is a slim line between doing things the right way, and doing them the wrong way. Someone who wants to get snuffed can be
snuffed - where its only some irrelevant moral stance that would denie that. When it gets to abortion for instance - I clearly would be for it - though thats
possibly even worse than a snuff kink. We might not need abortion if ... adoption could handle that - but so - that isn't all that pretty of a solution either.
As a bliever its safe to say that, well, eventually its better to skip on a possible lifetime - than living through one thats confined in misery from the get
go. Uh, but well - ... maybe the proper way to go about it is to not really think of a split into light and dark per se - but to acknowledge that there are both
amongst us - not necessarily looking alike. ??? Hmm - stupid.
Anyhow ... so, were I then really just giving up? Saying "screw it", supporting wrong-doers and ... calling it good because ... reasons?
That would be a good concern - but I have to think about my own self there and realize that there is pressure, as, not a really good life in case I did denie me
those things. You good guys on the other hand would want to have some leverage to rid the world of such evil - and so we'd live behind closed doors yet demanding
some sort of Amnesty - and that would be cruicial. Not only that it were granted - but also that people supported it. This would come about once people saw the
Light - and that'd be a closing line for me right now! To say: I'll do [whatever] - and you'd do the rest. And to make it simple - this old index will be accessible
at http://www.daeryabaar.com/index2.html.
"I am the Darkness, the Joy and the Perversion. There is no way to me but through the Father". And so thats the one thing I need - evidence that she's with the
Father - and off I am. Clearly we will need to have some public presence/official institutions at some point - but until then ... I'm out!
"Hail Gaia!"
"Glory to Athena - Amen"
by Athena/Gaia/Amaterasu/Astarte/Isis/Queen of Heavens | 2017.03.21 | 06:23