A brand new Day?

I don't know why, but I'm feeling a bit weird. I mean, it's a good news/bad news/nothingburger type of situation ... where ... yea. Good ... but it's still like ... and then it's also ... not a thing anymore? And just ... overall ... I'm feeling weird. Like, in a lot of different ways.
I've also been watching some more of that Podcast ... and ... yea, I don't know. I mean ... I get it. Or more to the point: I have a more high-res idea of it now.

So - and, to be fair, it's like night and day, the differences sometimes, so - I don't know. I keep on double checking everything. The other day I began joking that I might also check if gravity is real, like, every morning. Just to spread my portfolio a little.
And ... I don't know why I do that.
It's like ... things just don't "stick" ... until they do. And so, maybe that's a way for me to focus on the important stuff.

And right now ... I don't know. I mean, I see a lot of things that make me feel hopeful. Just me ... trying to live a normal life, looking at what's happening. I mean, that's as much as I can do to not make things about myself. And ... if I have anything to say at this point ... in some way ... it's ... not much if not about myself.


I mean - it's almost like I did a good job. I look at the world; And while it sucks, there's little spots of hope here and there and generally ... I can feel like I had a hand in that. But on and off, here and there, there's little gaps in the story. Like ... the narrative ... is weird; Tiny details. And something doesn't sit well with me.

And there's this thing. It was around ... 2008 or so ... that I had this thing play in my mind where #1 repented. And then the rest followed, but obviously they had to keep going because of the plan or something like that. And there I was ... trying to figure out what to do with it. I didn't mind or bother because ... if true, I'd have to play along; And if not ... then I'd have to do what I'd have to do still.
I did ask for Testimony and apparently they did ... but ... that never really set well with me. But I have the chatter in my mind. Like so, #1 is pretty smart ... like, always a step ahead of how I worded it. Like ... I couldn't have put it better. And then I'm there, nodding along ... and it would be nice if that could be true.

But then we have moments like ... THIS.
So, Yesterday on the news was all about Trumps threat to annihilate Iran; Now he's walked back but Israel is like not playing ball; Like a bunch of addicts.
And now ... what? It's like ... 'they' didn't get what they wanted and now we wait ... . That's how it's been in the past. And now what? I mean, the Prophecies are all there, the Plan is like ... fulfilled, and now ... ?

Well.
I mean ... alternatively I would have titled this "Parallel Worlds". As stated before, I tend to ignore the Prophecies. Like, I don't let them alter my decision-making because I'm telling myself (yea, not technically 'learned' from Deep Space Nine but kind of ... boosted through it) that I don't know the right answer and me knowing of it also puts an extra twist to what the right answer might be.
And so, when looking back, I can see that "it wasn't the time" - OK. Because, what I'm ultimately concerned about ... it's not for me to preach what's in the Bible; But to preach what the Spirit has taught me.

And right now the situation seems to be that; "this" little house of cards is crumbling down and ... in that sense I'm really just at the beginning of something. And in as far as ... well. Multiple reasons, but primarily is now not the time to get distracted by third world problems.


And to be real: I put my faith in God. I mean, I'm checking myself, not writing certain things such as not to get lost in a weird narrative. But it's difficult. And I'll probably lose the thread(s); But it's not like I have much to add to the overall legacy so far. Really.
So, mostly this is just life. Which seems to be my main goal right now.


So, I'm living like a Queen without staff ... so, pretty miserably.


Anyhow, where was I?
So, we come to these points. They didn't get what they want, apparently; But now also ... kind of ... would be the time for ... the last part. The part where the Prophet shows up and things are effectively 'over'.

And that there's nobody there, I mean, it's kind of telling. It's telling me that the way things are now are not according to Plan. I mean, theirs. Like, they didn't mean to be in this situation, where the Prophecy is true, like, in a way they weren't prepared for. I mean, the only reason it's like a thing is - or could be - or no, how to put it? It's my narrative however. Sort of?
And it's one of those things. In this me versus them where #1 is mirroring me; I'm quite sure that there are a few things they HAVE TO leave out. They might try to gamble on giving people access to the Ninedom and maybe find a way to simulate the impression of being also hooked in; But, that would probably be a bad idea.
And so - I must wonder, how close to this part of my narrative could they get?
I mean ... I don't have support; So ... no. That ... . Doesn't make sense?

It's like ... this narrative doesn't require 'me' to be present in any way. The angels do their thing, things are happening - I don't know what - and in the end I'll be there somehow. "Don't question it".

So, this silence is really that. In as far as people are tuned in, we can all say: Yea, this is the narrative, this is where we're at - and who would have thunk it? Where does it come from? I have to believe that this is ... I mean, approximately what's going down right now. Like so, the next question is: OK, where's the Prophet? And so, who's there to ... hold that title?

And that also cuts to my feeling here. That weird feeling. Something like a nail ... in my heart. A metal splinter. I look at things, but something's off. Something's missing. So, where am I?

Or more to the point, who's there ... pretending to be me but now kind of "out of phase" with the narrative? ???


Well. I mean ... I'm told not to underestimate the enemy, followed by pretty much a feature-film detailing all the ways in which I can't even interact with anything. And I have a hard time with my faith, because, at the end of the day I haven't seen much in terms of God doing things like ... FOR me. I mean, apart from zooming through life - which also kind of didn't really take me anywhere. And so, whenever He imposes upon me in ways that I'm not familiar with, I get a little scared. Like, my mental state is basically like I'm convinced that I'm crazy.
Like God isn't real and I'm just making things up.

Like I'm in some kind of special Hell or something.

Because yea. I have enough to keep going but not enough to see it ... happening.
At the end of the day, I arrive at the conclusion that I don't know how to navigate this hellscape, so I have to make it up to God. And that's the solution; Which is then, the other part of my mindset. Like ... I'm not even doing anything. I'm not even trying. But God is like ... You're doing great. Which doesn't help, like ... this idea that I'm just making things up.


So, I don't know. And based on that, it makes sense that one day it'll be just like 'zap' ... because ... clearly I did 'something'. If I am who I think I am ... and I did what I could to be on the right path ... then ... all of that ... had to have had a point.

And so, the answer is ... uhm. Wait for it! ???


Well. So, words like Halali and Pipo ... they give me pause. I've heard both of those somewhere in media before - where, Halali is essentially a word "we" (#1, #3 and I) "invented" somehow - not sure how it happened - to say 'cold'. Because it was cold and we were freezing and someone started saying it. So, it's ... a Meme from my childhood. And ... early on, while I was starting to focus on Videogame Design, I was looking towards Nintendo and Capcom; And that's the whole reason why Nintendo and Capcom would now be ... a topic in this story.
Because ... so the logic: By me focusing on them, they had a reason to be in before me, which means that by now they have some presence there - like, also with Disney and ... a lot of other things. Like these Memes are to tell me: "We're here; And You aren't!".
So I read them.

So, when I look at Juri (Street Fighter Character), or the way Ken has developed, I see ... 'them' in a way.
And within it ... there's always some kind of Toxic Philosophy; And that's like, my biggest gripe with Street Fighter. I mean, to speak of Juri ... well. For once I'm defensive because ... in certain communities certain topics are like ... Flat Earth in an Astronomy convention. You don't bring it up; And the amount of people who join in the narrative are indicative of a Level of corruption that has to be opposed. And talking about Balance ... is one such topic in Competitive communities. I mean, You can talk of it ... in the analytical framing where the "Pros" know the details; And everyone else has no idea. Which is ... fair. I've climbed through the ranks and gone through the cycle of "Ken is OP" to "Ken is a Pushover" to "Ken is OP" a few times now. But that doesn't change that to my mind some things just feel almost insultingly evil. So, the fact that Juri has like this enormously large DP ... it's like ... Hitboxes were on Sale ... while at the same time ... Cammy feels like ... they cut her up.
Like, what is one even supposed to do with these moves - if they're like ... a disadvantage at every encounter? Well - yea, it's the Mixup. More risk, more reward. You can't be predictable and stuff like that. So, yea, ... making those things easy to land is like ... bad? But then You're in a situation where You just can't land anything ... and ... I feel like I had this conversation before. Well, Rose in Street Fighter IV gave me similar vibes. And for reference, with Cammy I'm stuck in Gold 3, while with Chun I'm in Plat 2 and with Bison in Plat 1. And with Bison ... I barely have had any practice.
And so, yea - if the situation is this, that at some point the balance just shifts ... because the one strong Character has this one flaw that only the top %1 of players can properly deal with, then ... is that really a fair line of comparison?

That's kind of how I feel. I mean, we'd like get a Character Drop ... like say ... Abigail ... where You have to basically just push random buttons and You'd be like ... Mid-Tier ... competitively. Where, I suppose I'm thinking of Character quality in terms of: How easy is it to be at a certain rank; And how much potential is there to push them further.

And I've come to accept that this is the way it is. To me it is just bad design however, but ... I'm willing to admit that I was wrong. Well, how willing I am ... how hard of a fight it would have been if I had been in the room ... we'll never know, I guess.
I mean, I'm not WRONG wrong - because ... it is bad design. Like, for whom is this being done? And how much shit do I have to be willing to take? So, I think that's one reason why me being just not a part of it to begin with is fine ... like, why bother?

I mean, the Creative process is what it is. Eventually ... the answer is "because I say so". It's called artistic freedom. And one would suspect that ... quality is real enough such that creative minds can find common grounds for what they think works best. And bringing Game Theory into it is like ... it's like a perversion of the process. And then there's probably also executives and their family with their special needs interests - so, while You're already there compromising the integrity of Your artwork, ... You might as well rake in some extra benefits.


And it's weird. I mean, I've also been playing some Street Fighter recently ... and I was under the impression that someone was really having a hard one for showing me who's boss. And it's like a "Top Level Conspiracy" - where, I feel like they can hack into my Sessions. Like, when was Playing Magic The Gathering (Arena) - eventually I get that weird feeling and then it's usually that I lose and the reasons why aren't always all that clear to me.
But - as I was trying to learn Ultra Instinct; I also hopped into Street Fighter; And at some point it was like ... just a Lagfest. Some fights I was behind; But I'm like ... trying not to make my usual mistakes ... and then the lag starts. So, as I "pull out", get up my mental defenses, the lag starts and I'm like hitting myself, basically. It's like ... mirror inputs. Luck?
I mean, I had a few matches where I'm Bison and I'm like ... in this mind where I'm practicing Ultra Instinct ... and it's like ... "random Psycho Crusher" and it just happens to hit them. And Bison is a Fun Character to do such Mindgames with.

Also, I've had some Fun Games during that session. And I noticed that ... when I get ... "eager" ... like, trying to win in a Fighting Game ... I'm almost ... like ... a different person. And it's not necessarily good. So, I was working on being more chill. To interact with the Player more as opposed to going through a skript while hoping for the best. And that's also ... a Level on which I noticed this shift. After having had some fun ... the "Punishment Train" began ... and it's just ... like ... one Lagfest after the other, the ocasional rage quit ... and ... after some time I began ... to zone out ... reminiscing of the times where I had fun with the game.

So, it's not even like the advantages that are baked into the Characters ... carry over all that hard. It's like ... they Play Ken but still have to resort to lagswitching.
It's like ... "a very special mindset".

And so, the problem to me then isn't ... that at some Level things start to make sense, because ... actually it doesn't. I mean, Tier Lists are a thing and Meta shifts are somewhat inevitable. Akuma is like ... a pivotal example there. Or ... "supposed to". He's certainly always had this aura of "high risk versus high reward" - where, the whole shtick is that he has the advantages ... that only truly shine on higher Levels, but then, how do You make sure that it's not just Akuma vs Akuma all the time?

So, I suppose the argument then is to shift to the more casual audience, or so, the ambition to make a good game that is fun and ... Akuma certainly is a part of that ... or is he? ... whatever - but then, why are we then always getting Characters that are like ... not that?
And yea, if there's something that's tearing Street Fighter apart it's like ... some internalized need it seems to feel for redefining itself. Like, replacing the Heroes AND the Villains ... for some reason. So, I welcomed SF6s take ... as, by taking it less seriously they enabled themselves to sidestep problems with the Lore.

I mean, a lot of this doesn't apply to SF6 so much - not in my mind at least. It's been ... pretty strong so far. Well, AKI is a thorn in my mind. I look at her and feel like ... I'm being mocked ... it's like ... a sting. At me. I see her a lot also ... but outside of that ... I don't care. But when I see Rashid over [...] or Viper ... where [...] could be like, anyone else ... it's like catering to a part of the Street Fighter Identity that ... embodies this crisis. But yea, I suppose, the Demons of my mind ... need a Face. And so, in a way it's like ... Jealousy. Like, they don't make artistic sense to me; They're weird ... so is Juri and Aki ... it's like ... too far out there. It's like ... not Street Fighter but more like Special Ops Fighter.
And so we get into these Lore given environments that are kind of all shady and from that we get Characters that are like ... really now? A Lady that summons ice blocks to jump off of them?

Then there's Dhalsim who spent his life learning Yoga and he can summon Fire - and on the other side is Rashid who just so happens to have Tornados coming out of his ass. And, yea ... her grimaces are fun, but what's a Child doing in my Street Fighter game?

It's like a Gang of Criminals took over and now they're like Circlejerking themselves into the game while excessively living out a Power Fantasy.

I mean, just ... roughly translating my SFV experience into this narrative: First we get all the Villains, like, Nazi Propaganda (*caugh*Ed, *caugh*Falke), Abigail ... followed by Heroes that nobody cares about. Rose is like virtually the last Character to drop ... and it's like ... why? I mean, if You have a game with a lifecycle ... don't You want the fun Characters to playable for most of the game?
Like, say about Menat what You will ... but for me as a Rose player it was like ... weird, that instead of Rose we get her and she's like ... learn individual minigames just so somehow make her work out. It's like a gimmick that some may learn ... but what's the point? How is that what I'm getting out of what I paid for?
And what I mean by that: Rolento, Gen, Makoto, Ibuki ... those are other 'good' Characters. But ... I suppose Fans crying over what Characters should be in the game; Until the very end, drives engagement or something.

And Ingrid ... is an odd choice. It's once again one of those: "Nope" characters. Like, I would almost take it into the realm of Psychology to say that she's an indicator of them holding back, intentionally, for some reason. Like, adding a "real" Character would be too much fun or something.
So, is it a complex or is it a conspiracy?

I mean, You had Bison at the start of the Season ... last Season? ... oh my ... so, eventually Rose ought to drop because ... of course! There's a Rivalry, Street Fighter is a Fighting Game ... Round 1 and Fight! And I don't want to be like "Rose has to be in the Game ASAP" - but it's strange that the opposite seems to be the case still. And in the meantime it's not even like we're getting the Alternatives either.


And Nintendo. Nintendo is like ... they've given up. "Whatever".
I mean ... back then I approached "Game Design" from a creative standpoint. So, having ideas. I sketched out some stuff ... sent it out and like ... hoped for the best. Clearly ... they might see the vision in my work. And eventually they did, kind of. Those recent Mario Games that are like 3D but not like ... 3rd person per se ... that's something I had on mind. Part of that package. But then, the Zelda and Donkey Kong that followed are nothing like what I had jotted down there. And ... were they good or better for it?

I mean, I'm looking at Breath of the Wild and all I see is "empty". So, it's ironic that the Sequel to the game got a lot of criticism for just that. And I mean, how do You design a Zelda games and entirely leave out Dungeons? I mean, taking a Link to the Past ... the story and general structure of it ... why not take that? I mean ... there's a tremendous amount of potential for just ... Epic Environmental "Storytelling" ... a la Zelda. Like ... a "Breath of the Wild" ... but just ... [speechless].


Graphics? I mean ... yea. I'd say that You don't need Graphics better than Elden Ring. If Elden Ring is "bad Graphics" to You, well, You need Help! Like, 'anyway' ... and so, if it were up to me, that's the end of the discussion.

And yea ... how many groups of Artists have said just that to themselves? Being like: "You know what? Let me just make a fun game!" - and ... then did just that? Quite a few actually. And it ... like ... always paid out, right? Versus ... uh ... . Well, all the rest.

Anyway. Donkey Kong I can glance past because I think I barely had an idea. I'm like, curious myself what exactly it was that I was thinking about.

So, I guess all of my ideas could be considered ... very epxerimental. And I like ... had to come to terms with that ... where ... Street Fighter makes a great example.


I mean, I wasn't allowed to play Street Fighter growing up. It was "too much violence", my parents said. So, it wasn't until I got older that I could even begin to 'really' play it; And I feel that ... there's a void to my development. Like, I'm left behind (as in mentally handicapped) - because I was left behind. So, in my Teenage Years I was like ... a Toddler, still ... and in some instance quite literally so. I mean, until I was like ... 7th or 8th grade I was literally still a crybaby.
I mean, not much ... but, it happened twice - in High School - that I started to cry like a baby.
And it was in 7th Grade or so where I began to realize that this ... isn't healthy behavior.

Then I also never had that circle of Friends that had shared interests. And where they were, I was also like ... completely out of phase. There ... were some other Kids from some friend of my Mums ... like - roughly the culture I was vibing with ... but there wasn't ever a real connection.
Or, none that I was a part of. I saw that others were able to connect - and in hindsight, well ... I wouldn't say "booted out by those closest to me" because I myself would have been the problem, but it's also ... that at some point I just didn't know who those people closest to me even were. It's like ... they lived a life I wasn't a part of. And as I would try to be a part of it, I'd expose myself to ridicule. And sure enough ... eventually ... I got really close to killing myself.

So ... apart from occasionally having money to buy something - I really had to fight to make things work for me. I mean ... my PC at some point was ... like, barely even alive. I had to open it and put a fan next to it for it to work, at some point ... and I like just had enough money (and #2 was as nice as to sell me his) to hop from N64 to Game Cube ... and the Game Cube was like ... there "at the end". Like ... a testimony of the sadness that was my life. So, it wasn't until I was 24/25 or so ... then being a hooker and having worked/lived myself into a position of trust and privilege in that house; That I had enough of all that to be able to use everything as if it were my own. It was a miracle in and of itself - and ... in some ways a bit of a mess. But anyway. That's where I really ... began ... to ... unfold.

I could play Street Fighter ... so. It's like ... 2011 ... like ... "4 years later" ... and I'm just beginning to understand the intricacies of "classic" Street Fighter. So, what a 'cancel' is, for instance. And yea, part of that is due to the Internet. Thanks to YouTube a lot of information became more available - like - specifically this type of information. The Nerd stuff. The passion stuff. Before Minecraft. I mean, Minecraft did something to that world ... and everyone was worried about "Let's Plays". And yea. I'd say that I played Super Metroid AFTER I saw a let's play of it. But it's that there was no way to play it, other than pirating it, where like ... the actual problems begin ... in my book. And in as far as none of those problems are addressed properly, there's also like nothing to talk about; Other than: "How to help them fix their shit" - and ... I kind of try not to do that.

But ... so - now I think of Street Fighter ... while having a better understanding of it. But ... does it change much? I mean, I see the "experimentalness" of my work better - and I also see that I would leave the intricacies of the gameplay to others. So, not much. And ... so yea, there's that gap. And to cross it ... there has to be some kind of ... mutual interest in making it work. And I see that ... it's kind of weird ... and so I had no choice but to ... "take things for what they are" and move on with my life. I mean, the things I needed them to see ... I didn't know how to make anyone see.


And now I'm in trouble.
I mean ... it started ... during COVID.

For once ... I was feeling like I was in a good place. I was in rehab, I was recovering, I had a place to live; Everything was fine. Like ... I felt safe. I was glad to be in Germany ... but as I came to terms with that, like ... in parallel ... everything went to shit. Like, every Leg I previously thought I had to stand on ... got like ... chopped off. So much so that now we're like "talking about" cutting more of the benefits that I depend on.
Also I have health issues which prevent me from working, but nobody is there to acknowledge them for like ... what they are it seems. So I'd fall into the "refuses to work" category. Like, I was talking to this person on the phone the other day. There's that outstanding debt from where they paid me money that I wasn't entitled to; That nobody checked in on for YEARS; And I'm telling her that ... that we tried to get this cleared up but there was like ... nobody there ... and her response was something to the tune of ... well, the narrative. As if I just told her that I was sick and couldn't work; And she answered: But you can't always dodge responsibility. And that ... how is that even a sentence to say in that context? So, how can I feel like I'm being heard, when quite literally ... they seem to talk to a fantasy person. Like, why even speak?

Now the situation is that I just didn't get ANY money; And I don't know why. I have no letter telling me to go here or be there; it's just ... what it is now.

But so, what happened? Well, what happened is that I was vulnerable. Because something changed with my finances, so, the institution responsible changed and so there's beurocracy ... and right away someone bungled it. But I wasn't alone and people were on the Ball ... but "they" weren't playing. Until it was time for me to move and I was in need of some assistance. That was a whole ordeal where I got to move in like ... two month after I should have moved in because they didn't want to manage the matter with the caution for the rent because of some crap, like ... "the usual catch 22 stuff" ... but then somehow things worked out and then nothing again. Nobody was interested in hearing about my debt. Until like ... last year. I had enough money to buy the PGU RX-78; And overall ... I had the money to have Gunpla as a hobby. So, ... I was thinking ahead and ... long story short, I took a credit to buy the PGU, having a good idea of how fast I'd be able to pay it off ... and then would still have some extra. I had a bad feeling doing it ... something was like: "Oh oh, somehow this is going to be the beginning of the end" ... and yea, it took me longer to pay it off; And was left with less - and all thanks to some re-calculating of what the Job center owed me. So, now I didn't have "good money" anymore but more so had to ... uh ... go paycheck to paycheck again, having way too bloated expenses and so, yea ... things got tight. But sure ... that's just life right now. Then some Vodafone dude comes in, I'm like ... super skeptical ... he sells me on a sweet Deal ... and then Vodafone is like ... "nope".
Like, here's the thing: It was a good deal. I had to pay a little more for a better connection, I was able to get TV which is something I was planning on ... and the scam about it was the ... transfer. The guy told me; And I was trying to read up on it - which didn't give me a good answer but it seemed legit enough - ... it's ... I also have a contract with 1&1 which wasn't running out until later that year and he said there was this thing where I keep paying that - instead of paying them (the extras I ordered I still had to pay) - and by the end the contract would essentially just transfer. OK. So, eventually I got a letter where they told me that some data was missing and that I should follow this link and stuff ... and it's just a dead end. I had to google for stuff myself to eventually come to the page where I could enter the data that was asked for ... but ... there was no confirmation or anything. The whole thing is like ... well. Now I'm there and "didn't do the thing" so I have to pay the contract now ... and I don't know, I ignored it ever since.

And still do.
"What could go wrong?".

So, it's like an avalanche of nonsense ... "by my own making" ... which just happens to be timed so that it ... "destroys me" I suppose.


I mean, it's not like I could pay ... for a second contract. And that's also the basis of the legal defense that I "prepared". Assuming that I'd have to prove that this deal even existed. I mean, the guy gave me his Whatsap; But ... when I had a question, he'd call me - instead of ... leaving like ... text evidence; I would assume.
Like, I have this letter from Vodafone about those inputs ... but it's like ... I'm not sure ... what it even is. It's ... very ... ominous.

Which is to say ... I'm not sure if I have a legal defense. For the rest I was just ... there's a mental block and that feeling ... of ... well, "let's see what this Plot Armor of mine can do".


But yea, it's odd how these cracks started to form. I mean, I'm low key ashamed to admit all this; But, looking back ... I find that there's a story there. I mean, for all the time I was still in working condition ... I'm sure something could have done. And it's kind of naughty when the fault is mostly theirs, to tell me that I'm the problem.

Sure the narrative is there. Like ... of course I'd become financially unstable the moment they'd try to collect on their debt ... and giving me time to finish my training is fair also. It's my own fault for taking a bigger bite than I could chew. I was living too comfortably.

And yea, I definitely need help. In a lot of ways.
And that's ... like, the thing. The narrative. Obviously ... if mine checks out - this stuff won't matter even if they were in the right. Because here the story is that ... God encouraged me to take certain liberties, like, as a reward to self for a job well done; And all within the legal framework. And in the intersocial ... I'm even ... like, morally in the right. So, the system failed me ... and that's that.

Things just so happened to not work out.

And I ... I'm a lot more helpless than ever before.
I ... I'm far too ashamed to go into all the details.


But also ... given the size of the wave ... I ... don't see a point in trying to do anything about it. So, until it hits ... I can pretty much ignore it. It's not like they'd be willing to help anyway; And I ... so am better off putting my efforts elsewhere.
From my current balance, I can't pay my bills this month AND have enough to eat. So, I have to pay what's critical, withdraw the rest and hope for the best.

Next month is then like ... seeing how much I can salvage ... until ... the Vodafone stuff comes crashing down. Then, inevitably, there's going to be stress with the Jobcenter. I mean, given how things are NOW (No money, no tell) - while also then losing the money from the Ausbildnug ... any further consideration is pointless because my income would be ZERO.

Which means, no rent ... and if that happens and I have to move out ... I'll probably have to move back into a sardine can ... which also means ... no more Gunpla. I mean, I don't take them for granted when I look at them. I ... I'm amazed. I feel lucky, fortunate, grateful ... . And I trust that the problems I'm facing are mostly just because ... of someone having a boner over my demise and not so much because Society at large supports that boner.


It's like ... Raspberry. The "cursed" fruit. Because it's my favorite. It's like ... whenever I like something, someone's there to fuck it up. I just had to think of it because Raspberry had a bit of a flair-up recently; I really loved that Raspberry-Lemon Ice-Tea ... that they don't sell anymore.


So, "You have to understand" ... I guess, that this is just part of my normal consciousness. Especially this part ... about, the things I like ... . The Street Fighter thing. The Conspiracy is like, everywhere; And so, I have my ideas about how all that works. Or more to the point, that they pull those kinds of strings. And it also plays into how I think of the world, or what options we have - and ... it may be one of those details that were too obvious for me to write about.

Or not. I mean, I kind of did try - and from that You can see that I wasn't really ... super aware of how to connect all the dots ... either.

So, what can I do? When like ... Star Wars is obviously a Zombie now but people like gobble it all up nonetheless. And then everyone's asking the Government like ... to allow ("the") Cool-Aid to be sold; But not only that, everything else has to go. It's like ... yea ... "it has electrolytes".

Every conversation that touches upon a relevant issue is like ... tossed to the side; While ... OK. I hereby exalt James Stephanie Sterling to be the provisional Minister of Art and Culture. And in all that, we can't even begin to address the issue because it's protected behind layers and layers of confusion. We all suffer like ... collective Cultural PTSD ... where virtually we have different Religions trying to explain the nature of the Forces that be and how to appease them.


So, is Sterling a Problem now? I mean, they are ... cute, to be honest. Kind of. But, because I don't know about their standing within the Ninedom, this situation is exactly the kind of stuff that ... produces holes. And that's probably the last bridge to my domain. Because ... imagine You're the enemy and You learn that this thing exists that can just block them out of the conversation. It may feel like discrimination and such ... religious persecution or whatever; While functionally at first it's really just ... Your own choice. I mean, if it ever became a political issue, it's ... what it is. A challenge to our God given rights and freedoms.
I mean, so, say ... You're in the Ninedom. Now what? So, You meet this other person that's also in there, You get along - You have community. So, problems? How?
So, sure. Internally we'd probably start to talk. Like ... "outsiders, am I right?" - but no. It can't be that. From the get go ... the mission is to share it. There's a mission. So - the relationship with "outsiders" is like ... yea "hey, let me tell You about Jesus!". So, what they don't like is that they can't get in on it. And ... why should they have the right to?

The fact that it's super political from the get go is ... kind of unfortunate. I mean, I present it to You as something superior to a litmus test. I'm a friend of God and I want to be with people who are the same. If You're not, we can co-exist ... and (or but) at critical junctions such as this point in history we're at right now ... I suppose the differences come to show. And yea, if we use it as a political wedge to clean up shop - sure, some people might not be happy about it ... and it would definitely be some kind of Fascistic takeover and the rise of a Theocracy. It is what it is ... by neccessity. If we had a healthy democracy, it would be a healthy democratic process; Where we could ... just live and try to do the right thing.

Whatever ... living THE life requires.


And now I'm like at a point ... and so ... yea.
We decide. Or You, at first. You should wonder ... what and why You have or haven't access to ... perchance. Whatever Your way to Salvation entails; And whatever the social environment thereof is ... there's like ... a bare minimum that will have to exist ... before it is in any way, shape or form a 'legit' thing we can 'handle' in some way. The true Zion will start to form as ... quite frankly ... an inevitability.

And some passages of the Bible lead me to believe that this shift will be a lot larger than any plan or preparation could handle. I mean ... where it says "make wide Your tents" or how that goes, it's very evocative of chaos and ... band-aid solutions. But by being in the same boat, by being able to work together, things will also work out a lot faster and a lot better than ... anyone could have hoped for.

Well ... except, that's kind of what I hope for. So ... take it with a grain of salt.