Clarity - Clear as Mudstew? (!!!)

So ... I tried to sleep. It's Monday morning ... and since Friday I have slept like 3 or 4 times. Possibly not counting short rests. I don't know. It's all kind of hazy and I'm not even on drugs. Well, that little keef don't count.

Also I start to feel like PTSD is creeping up. I feel that fuzzy warmth and I most certainly don't want to go back to before. I'm a bit afraid it might just vanish ... but this armor/suit ... it helps. I mean, it has its own weight and it reacts to my motions but more so my intent ... and I suppose that's what it's for. Like a weight, some kind of ... thing to play around with and get used to things. [Sigh] ... twenty years ... .

To think that I have been deprived of this ... I presume 'basic' aspect of the journey ... well. I'm 20 years behind ... and that kind of stings. I'd say that it sucks but it's mostly just ... so much time.

It's like ... how would you feel if you were stuck in the tutorial for like ... 20 years?
OK, sure, not my fault. Anyway ...


I was dozing off while watching YouTube. And after dozing away for the fifth or sixth time or whatever I decided to sleep ... was in the right mood to check my Clarity ... and ... well ... things are in fact different.


And the weird thing is ... I mean, I'm like haunted by Epstein. If Southpark were to make an episode of his ghost stalking me while I'm having sexual fantasies ... that's kind of how it feels. Like, the one moment everything is fine, then the head gets distracted ... and then Epstein runs with an erect penis through the scene trying to stick it wherever. It's disturbing, but ... it's more than that. It's like there's some contest going on. Like ... how rapes me the right way? I suppose "their" selling point is that it's "more real" - while we on the other hand are "just playing". And yea, that's the impression I get. And it's like ... the stupidest thing in the universe. Need I elaborate?


Well, let's see if I can. There's a lot to unpack ... all in all.

But to not get ahead of myself ... I suppose I first need to establish some terminology. So, when I here use the term 'Piston' ... I'm not referring to the PP but to the motion of it. More to the point, a specific rhythm and depth that would then qualify as "rapey". And that was kind of what I latched onto previously ... as the thing scratching my itch. Now it seems that they're kind of ... proud of it?

Like, if that's the "real deal" to them then I have to laugh. I mean ... for once, it was OK but some things were still missing. And there's more to that absence also. But ... uhm ... see, in this world a man raping a baby is kind of as degenerate as it gets. In my world however I might be Tinkerbell and my Partner might be the Hulk.
And for reference I don't need some old fuck - I can think back to when I still had my dingy to do the thingy ... and where my Masturbation fantasies went when I glitched into my Testosterone.

Which is the next thing. As for the fantasy that unfolded (so, just earlier as the "weaker"/"just playing" version) ... it right away felt a lot more intense and scary. I presume because 'they' know what I'm looking for but they don't have the Testosterone to stomp it into me like that. But they understand what the result should be, which is ... one important thing.

Then there's also the matter with the No Norm Theorem. To which I might now add that it has two sides. Well, to re-iterate: The No-Norm theorem suggests, that no 'norm' can be like ... upheld forever. If I'm like a girl held in a rape dungeon ... that cannot be my whole identity forever. Eventually our freedom demands something.

So ... I suppose it doesn't track as something worth mentioning, but when talking about Kinks and Time ... it is THE thing. So, talking about some 24/7 BDSM relationship? The NNT applies. Maybe the terms I use or the way I use them is whack, so ... maybe I'm throwing too much into the pot ... but to me the thinking that led me to the NNT kind of began with questions about: Wouldn't I need food and water? And what about the traffic? What if it's too low? What am I going to do with my time? Or what if it is too high? The importance possibly being that in the high of the emotion ... these details get forgotten. Or as I eventually came to realize: We take for granted what we're used to having. So, an abduction fantasy for instance wouldn't think of the hours you'd be just ... stuck in a cage with nothing to eat, drink or do ... at all. So, the way I then imagine "reality" - all things considered is ... hours upon hours of boredom followed by some odd minutes of some fat fucks trying to get off on me followed by whatever they'd unload upon me afterwards out of frustration over their lack of masculinity. Anything outside of that would merely be done to prove a point, a.k.a. to stroke an ego which by the way wouldn't be mine.

Just earlier on the other hand ... there first is the sense I get from say Madonna understanding the situation, chaining me to a donkey and rolling me into a room filled with 60 men. I don't need piston to feel ... something. Or Monica telling me: You're no longer my primary or secondary, but my bottom bitch ... and I get to feel what she means and what the end would look like ... but no piston. The piston is implied in the before and after. Which is where ... I would much rather have the pistoning be happening in respects to me rather than to prove a silly point.

I mean ... like, getting rolled into a room with 60 men ... like so ... that could end ... well, I don't know. But I have the fantasy, or enjoy the fantasy, because of some outcome. So, would I a) want to gamble that the two are going to line up or would I b) want to be sure that the two are going to line up?

And what I felt really strongly during those "just playing" scenarios, is that there's also some disconnect between my fantasy there and actual real life expectations, my own included; Where as I say: I don't really have a need/urge to get raped. Well, unless we're going to have some fun. And I rather have fun than ... regretting my life's choices.


So, things felt a little differently. But if we're talking about Sexual Violence and the Potential to do harm ... well, it's really just "Chemistry", Muscle Mass and Muscle Memory. I mean, if Piston is like ... the Holy Grail of Antichristian Sexual Wisdom ... I mean, "Patriarchy LOL, am I right?".

I mean, the impression I was getting from the Epstein "Ghost" was literally on par with "Look, I have PP!". Now everybody clap! And I most certainly have addressed these things more than just once. And I don't know what I'm expecting, actually. Well, I don't know whom I'm explaining these things to. Hmm ... so, just for general pleasure I presume.

Uhm ... or ... the issue goes a little deeper and is somewhat darker. Like, they're using our blind spots (NNT) to lure us into some fantasy in which they are so much better at giving us what we want than ... God Himself ... that we might feel tempted to take it. I mean, that's how a scam works. First You're getting wild stories, then the excuses keep getting thinner and then you just have to deal with ... whatever. And whenever You ask for anything susbtantive it's ... Houdini time.


Then, if we're talking spiritual ... let's say "echo"s ... like, little impressions that get stuck here and there that don't amount to much but over time a pattern of sorts emerges ... the situation is this. "They" would constantly be confused over what it is that I want, I'd basically have to over-explain to now, I suppose, be left with Piston ... when it comes to them; While 'my folks' ... snap-snap-snap, veni vidi vici ... .
No explanation required. Message received. Clarity detected.


Well, another thing that felt different was ... the Gratitude feeling was missing. However ... thinking back ... if it is so ... (and I dread to even think that this might be the case) ... that previously I was like locked away so that none of my fantasies like ... were in "contact" with 'mine' so that it was in fact "them" getting off on me in whatever way, ... I mean, previously however this Gratitude was like "carrying", would be the gamer term for that. Or whatever had the function of that feeling prior to it getting consolidated as reported previously. The Gratitude made it particularly tangible ... like, hard limits, alongside a "taming factor" I'd call it. And overall I was more so looking for that feeling ... rather than the Piston. The Piston merely added context untowards the climax. Which, I suppose, is synonymous with "being done with it" ... .

But so I was perplexed because that feeling didn't emerge ... and following up on the emotions I was getting ... so, scared of the room with 60 men or being the bottom bitch, the images were ... static. No piston, no nothing. Might have been cardboard cutouts. Which, yea, is kind of uncomfortable in a different way. Like, in hindsight ... I suppose I felt like ... watched and ... judged perhaps? And to actually get to the climax, well ... I had to ignore the fantasy ... and lean into what I've learned. Let myself be raped ... as a ... form of emotional tension? "Presence" of the situation? Whatever. It's not so much a masturbation fantasy at that point anymore, but masturbation technique that's also ... like ... practice. So, my climax in that moment isn't tied to whatever scenes I chose to immerse myself in ... or whatever high concept implications I'd extract from or read into it; And like so ... there's no issue with faces or ghosts or expectations or whatever.
I suppose it's 'normal' ... as opposed to ... uh ...

Going by my clit ... the aftershocks were ... a little bit deeper and a little bit sweeter this time around.

Another difference was that things "looked" darker. As opposed to some kind of daylight ... it was more like candlelight. The highlights were black rather than white. And overall it felt a little bit ... "less" ... in "scope" and also more suffocating. But there was also a more dominant focus on certain physical consequences as You'd see them in a JM or Kingbang drawing. And that, in the moment, well, it startled me somewhat and triggered like ... 'actual' escape responses. But the 'bottom bitch' impression also had me in a body that clearly isn't ... my current one ... though somehow I would map the impression onto ... life in this world. It's possible, I presume, that this is like ... something stuck from before ... or something I got used to as it was never put up for questioning. Like, the idea that "it" would happen in "this life" ... was always kind of implicit - but not like ... consciously so or with purpose. I mean, for what I cared I constructed my fantasies very much as fantasies. It's another one of those ... Antichristian Traps/Pitfalls/Incompetences I presume.


I mean, they're not getting into Paradise as such, and Hell ... that's not where we do the fun stuff either. I mean, maybe it depends on what side of the lines You're on, but yea. They're definitely poor by comparison, we might say.

Ultimately ... I don't care much about the Quality per se. To imply that I might be swayed one way or another depending on how one might stroke my cooch ... that's assinine. I mean, that's where the upset begins, like ... actually. To even assume.
Although ... yea ... there is the truth behind why we are comforted in our 'diversity'. So ... in a way it DOES matter ... but uhm ... I'll get to that.

On another note: It has been quite a time since I last got railed by a giant cock. And by giant I mean ... 20 cm diameter ... ... AT THE LEAST ... so, if anything, that's what I'm longing for. Sure, one good smash can last for quite a while ... like, it takes a particular mood to be open for that level of ... uhm ... invasion/openness ... .

What I find kind of funny is the fact that somehow there's an Antichristian temptation that proclaims that this is possible IRL. Uhm ... well. Sure. Technically ... I believe it. However ... I don't have to finish this sentence, don't I?


And what can I say? The awesome thing about God is that He can make fantasies feel real. I mean ... there's a lot of aspects to it. But like so I'd describe the feeling of getting railed by a 2 meter (+) cock as reverse deepthroat. Naturally it requires a specific type of body and anatomy ... that is different to what we're stuck with at this point.

And so ... I come to appreciate that "here" there is a more concrete focus on the fantasy aspect of it. And thinking back I find that I kind of had to go out of my way to explain that to myself while digesting my feelings and emotions. And I was right to do so while it wasn't necessarily obvious.
One big difference being that the 'explicit' emphasis creates more cognitive space for me to also ... well ... exist in THIS reality. And that can very well be leagues away from ... what my Clarity demands. I also ... repeatedly got to emphasize that.
But previously it struck me more as a challenge ... to come around to it and point it out. With the most recent impressions however ... it's a given.


Well, most recent impressions. So, coming back to the thing I was going to get to ... well ... . I added that "Although ... yea ..." sentence in hindsight and doing so kind of brought some kind of heavy feeling upon me. Like my heart is suffocated. The issue would be this: "God's Will" ... is what it is. He has an idea of how things should be going ... and we are the problem in that equation. Layered within is a lot of nonsense that's merely ... circumstantial I'd say. Like, while I have time to ponder and analyze these things, there's space for a variety of experiences and "lessons" and such. Pivotal however is our own individual understanding of who we are and what God wants. Or so, how to work around the lack of a concrete commandment on that matter.
So, there's a difference between ... if God were to just tell me that I have to be a Whore and God "allowing" me to be one.
But this 'permission' is no simple one, because I initially wasn't even at the point of taking it for an option.
And so there's a whole bunch of stuff ... the 'rationale' as it were behind it all.

So, because I learned that I want "this and that" ... my tendency to "get away" from that while trying to stay grounded in reality eventually leads to this horrendously uncomfortable feeling that makes me sick to my heart ... which I can then rationalize or formulate in a variety of ways. One aspect of it is that we are stuck in this world and ... so we can take "worldly" logic into that formulation. More to the point: Accidents versus Providence (or whatever). So, from a worldly perspective the matter is so that I'm a certain way and am hence looking for certain counterparts. And in that regard, sure, my cooch would point me the way.
But within that logic, or based on that logic, there's still a lot of room for error or experimentation. A lot of uncertainties and maybes. And in the broader scope of the immensity of times ahead of us ... there's probably even space to further expand on that. But that doesn't preclude God from offering shortcuts to us. Like, what else would it be? Some fetch quest? Like ... sleep with X number of people to unlock a hint at whom You actually want to be with?
But then, Providence makes it so that there isn't a history to it per se. And because Love goes deeper than Sex, the immediate impression I get from whom I think I'm going to be with is rooted in Love. And while the other "thing" is still true ... that creates a bit of a ... logical gap ... where I'm not 100% certain as to whether or not ... the two actually converge. And so, for the time being, I can play this game in my mind as to ... what's now more important to me. Would I choose Love or would I choose Sex? But because things are the way they are ... and there's this deep discomfort when I deny me my own truth ... it might seem like I'm prioritizing Sex over Love. And functionally, technically, I do. Enough so to kind of ... put a pin in it and let the relationship take off on that basis. However ... the alternative is ... just as true, or close. Well, with the exception that technically ... Sex as a concept is more reliably available ... than a human being with all the issues that one such creature tends to have. And so, as a mere happenstance there's the possibility of a life as it were if I would choose Sex over Love in the sense that my Love wouldn't be into what I'm into. Then there's a middle ground ... and then there's the part where I'm his/her bottom bitch.


Finally ... (?? again? ... well, a circle has a lot of ends) ... as kind of mentioned before, my experience was that I kind of ... don't really want to live through a 'victim of rape' narrative at this point. I'm certainly more concerned of interpersonal harmony and ... I don't know. "Real Life" I guess. Doing the whole victim of rape stuff ... eventually entails a lot of hoops that ... don't really make sense to me right now. And anyway ... my JJ isn't necessarily ... quipped/built to handle a lot. I mean, while the dilator fits, a normal vibrator is already kind of ... too big. Though I'm also kind of ... not on the up and up with the dilating. I'm also under the impression that the clit is awkwardly distant from the hole ... so, I'm not sure if it really works as intended. To say that ... the potential for 'rape' to go sideways is ... larger; Which is why I want to lean towards caution as opposed to ... "x10".
As for other holes ... well, my rear end is kind of damaged already ... leaving my top as the safest entry. Then, one thing would lead to another, LUST happens, then a cum-explosion and the world is covered in white goo ... because, I don't know. Realism?

And yea ... same story, same matters, same content ... same narrative, but ... my overall impression is different. And I suppose it shows. I'm a lot more comfortable with things actually lining up with the presentation as opposed to getting a Piston for diversity.


Well ... the Yawning tells me it's time to wrap this up. So ... I hope this helps!

---

P.S.: The Tinkerbell x Hulk thing is (mostly) an exaggeration for visualization purposes. I went through it once~ish (as for demonstration purposes) and for the most part it's impractical. At least on my end ... it's kind of ... I'd say 'diminishing returns'. But that was also a long time ago. I'm under the impression that most - if not all - of my Clarity is introduction Level ... and stuck there since the respective introduction. I have more to say, as ... I'm still having this heavy feeling somehow and ... there's still stuff I have to digest. I suppose I'm lucky ... though certainly ... I have a right to not feel alright right now. I kind of want my Mommy (well, I kind of have two, not counting my biological one ... . But I'm kind of not in the mood for Nyxian hijinx right now. But yea ... the comfort is back! So, I can just lay down and ... that's what I'll do now.)