Maybe I do know ...

how it works. The whole ... hijacking me as a shield part. But maybe I don't. I mean, I have this issue ... that might explain a few things. But it might also be ... a convenient scapegoat, as it were.
But so, the issue is, that maybe I gave my soul away. To #3. So, if a written statement with signature and maybe some blood is enough ... then yea. And that may warrant a whole tangent on Love ... or what people might think of it.


I mean, I was at #2's house (hmm, in case I'm getting this mixed up, I mean "the proverbial antichrist") when "it" happened, that I fell in Love with #3. Or rather: Developped a crush. It was a party of some sort, some mild hallucinogenics may have been involved, there were Love songs playing somewhat non-stop, I was laying on a couch where I started to think about #3 and somehow started to develop feelings ... aligned with the songs that were playing. Most significantly ... what's it called? Brown Eyes?

And so by the time I got over these things I also came out with some kind of allergy against Love ballads.

But ... if you ask me; If something like that happens to You ... get out. Don't touch it. Treat it like a desease. And it's a particularly nasty one.
But because I kind of routinely get into topics that kind of seem similar, I may have to distinguish a little and give You some more tools to make up your own mind. Technically this is nothing new ... I certainly wrote the piece before ... but I feel like giving it another shot. With a different focus.


So, first up: Madonna.
She is one of two people that God seems to care about ... before me. The thing with her is though that at first I didn't really care. I had the one or the other experience that made her a Character in my life, somehow, but it's still very distant. I mean, I have no desires to be close to her, or be with her. I have no urge to explain myself to her or any of that stuff. Though since recently I felt that there's more, the subject matter between us seems to still be ... what would be the right word? Detached?
In simple terms: There is no relationship. In less simple terms ... well, maybe it'll get clearer as we keep going.

Second: Britney Spears.
I mean, I'd be lieing if I said that there was nothing. But in whatever way she might matter to me, it's all first of all predicated on that kiss between her and Madonna ... so, it's from the get go more indirect. Maybe it's due to the things she's into and some ETP stuff that she seemed like there could be more; And that might often enough be enough for things to become more. It's by thinking of her that I started to notice that ... I was developping similar feelings as to #3 or J.Lo before - just less intense or extreme, possibly due to personal caution; And that ... severely changed how I interpreted those feelings. Today I'd say that it might happen that both of us got into a mood in which our ways would align and "interesting stuff" could happen - but eventually we'd shift out of that alignment again and ... we'd be better off without having made more of it.

And so these two occupy a similar spot. It's more like ... hypothetical. Interesting from a distance. I would definitely be curious to learn more, but it's not like ... I need to know. Or must know. I might be look to them as an alternative, but ultimately ... I ... don't feel like it'd work out.

She does seem to be one of my husbands tho.

Next: Catherine Zeta-Jones.
To me she's like the counterpart to Madonna. Where Madonna is the Sun, she's the Moon. Beyond that, I like to say that I'm not sure about the names ... although, it's difficult to really apply that logic on Madonna - but I also feel like this here. Other than that, I never really cared about her Career or movies and stuff ... but the thought of her kept stuck; And it seems like she has backdoor access to my intimate chambers. So, if I'm not tripping, she's one of my close, personal relationships. But that's also ... more like just a knowledge. It's there. Like, almost subconsciously. There are some intense feelings, but they're also very abstract and very not of this world. But by 'Nyx' I mean her - and ... maybe that's just this subconscious blip of knowledge that I have which may or may not actually be her - so, I wouldn't put my hand in the fire for it.

And beyond that ... things become even less certain. There are a bunch of names that might be noteworthy, but not particularly interesting. The one that would stick out here is Gillian Anderson ... but that's just because to me she's HOT AF. But that's in about it. I mean, at the time I was ... trying to figure things out; And so I just ... tried to think of everyone I could think of and see what happens. And so, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Tapping, Mariah Carrey and Pamela Anderson would be four that kind of ... hovered above the rest. But I also find it difficult to take myself seriously on those notes ... . And if anything I had a crush on Tia Carrere - but whatever any of this might amount to ... I eventually stopped caring because ... eventually I thought about Monica Bellucci.

And there's one more name that's missing. And that's Megan Fox. The thing with Megan here is again ... "I don't know". I mean, I find it convenient that there's names and faces to all of these 'significant Characters' in what would be ... this "otherlore" or "other otherlore" ... and maybe too convenient. However, the way Megan came into the picture ... that was totally unique. But first we have to talk about Monica.


As kind of mentioned before ... I somehow had some kinds of feelings for all of these women. Or have. To say ... it's definitely ... nothing THAT special. It's almost like ... flavors. Perhaps even like ... one per season. And why not? Eternity is a long time ... and it might be more intriguing to ask how much time would ellapse before everyone had done it at least once with everyone else.

Not implying that it has to.

What was special about Monica was that I didn't get those feelings. I got something ... far more ... interesting or intriguing. Like ... nothing. I mean, no emotions that I could call a "Lure" of some kind. Just ... some kind of comfort. A feeling that made me think that this has to be Love. it's like ... I just belong there. It's like ... I don't know but I know I want to be with her. And not because of some strong feeling ... like a desire or ... an existential crisis dressed in romance ..., but ... well. I suppose I felt like I knew her, but that's ... almost an understatement. There's some kind of ... things just snap into place. It's not like a Puzzle, but a shattered Crystal. To say, there's way too many rough edges for a fit this perfect to be just by accident. And so ... I got stuck there. Thinking of her soothed my soul, allowed me to fall asleep in comfort - and that was enough.

Then one day, or night, one such moment became a vision of sort; And that's how Megan came in. I mean, I take it as an explanation of what's going on between Monica and me, but also ... some other thing.
The basis of this vision was the concept of how pollination works. So, flowers and bees. The idea is that we fall like in Love ONCE ... and after that we're like ... changed forever. So, I was like pollinated by Monica, I developed feelings for her ... and that's like a part of me. And in that Moment, Megan was like ... placed into the picture and it's said that she developed such feelings for me. Which is ... kind of unfair I suppose. Either to her or to us. And that's also like ... one of the fundamental problems that plagues us ... as a "species".
I think.

And so ... she's also one of my Husbands I suppose. But I suppose I can't really talk of it from experience.


So, in all of that Monica is the only one that ... might arouse suspicion and that only because I seem to explain to me how she's special. But no. I try to explain it to You. To me it's pretty ... clear. But ... right.


It must have been around 2020 or so ... that things started to change. What used to be pretty benign "emotions" I could like ... "enjoy from a distance" ... or use as a comfort pillow ... all of a sudden became more ... spicey. All of a sudden there were those strong emotions. Desires perhaps. This ... bliss, the sense of closeness ... and again: With #3 or J.Lo the issue seemed to be that the more I cared to love them, the more miserable I became. I routinely cried myself to sleep over what I perceived to be true, And there was this picture of a broken heart floating in my mind ... it was stitched together somehow but the stitches were coming apart the more I tried to work against it by loving "her". J.Lo I suppose. I was chasing the high of the feelings I was getting; And the only way I'd get them was by ... telling myself the truth I suppose. That it would't happen, that she ignored me or loved someone else or whatever. Misery ... as it were.
This Bliss I have with Monica is different. It's the opposite. It's ... the Love I was undoing by thinking I Loved someone else.

So, I felt like things were picking up and about to get serious. But then ... things changed again.
The comfort ... started to fade. The hunt for the bliss of the feelings became ... a concern. Nothing too dramatic, but I suppose ... little by little ... I started to worry more and more.

And yea ... "she told me" is a weird sentence to utter in this context ... but I remember somewhat clearly that during one of those blissful moments ... I was like told that I shouldn't get stuck on the idea that she'd be on her way anytime soon. And at the time I was alright with that. I felt like there were things I still could or needed or wanted to do ... like, by myself ... and I was, although sometimes more reluctantly, pretty much going with: I know it took me 2-3 years from first contact (in my case with the Latter Day Saints) to any meaningful reaction to it, so I'll have to give everyone else the same kind of time. No way around it.
But still ... I got more and more confused, the comfort faded ... and I started to feel like I ... needed to reconsider.

And while I was running things through my head ... I think what may have happened is that ... things did pick up. And ... others picked up on it too. People that maybe shouldn't have picked up on it, for now they'd plant ... antibodies within me. And little by little they must have located my "strings", or "muscles", that kept tieing me to her ... and bent them around so that eventually I'd only be able to look at her ... but not ... "hold" her, or reach out. I might get a negative feeling and toss her over a cliff tho.
Not because it meant anything, but because my hands were like ... literally tied behind my back and ... I didn't understand that.
While also having grown estranged ... and paranoid ... and filled with negative feelings. Implied disappointments, abandonment, that kind of stuff.


And yea, Madonna and her ... are the two that God keeps on ... pointing to. I mean, when it comes to Madonna it's literally that. Just recently ... I thought of her and I felt like ... a finger adamantly tapping like "YEs yes yes! Here here!".

So, important.

Monica ... it's still a little complicated I guess. But whenever I was like down and asking God for help or advice he'd like ... carry her to me. And that with a somewhat concerned look on his face. And now that I think of it, it's actually kind of heartbreaking. So sad. It's a real "Are we the bad guys?" moment.
And I mean myself. I mean, I'd think: "Oh yea!" - try to get cozy but ... apart from masturbating on my own son raping me ... I didn't really have much to go with.

Sorry for that. You maybe didn't need to know this.

But in the moment I didn't feel like there was a disconnect. Just ... ever so slightly ... something felt off. Like I was missing something.


And I get it now. I mean ... I had this ... impression or whatever ... telling me that I should be more explicit about my feelings for her. Or ... whatever is like hard facts. No maybe's or vagueries ... . I mean, ... I've been there ... on the other end of that, I suppose. Me being shifty and ... uncertain, she might want to have ... something more concrete to go with. But to me it was like: I'm as honest about these things as I can be, it's their turn to tell me.

So, I got kind of upset about it eventually.

And then there's fears or worries. How upset am I? Did she do something wrong? Or not do something? But what could she have done? I mean ... from my perspective ... I keep getting plagued by such thoughts too. What else could I have done? And I keep seeing that ... actually ... not much! And now I'm the one that's sorry ... worried that just "sorry" ... doesn't quite cut it.


And what can I say?

Well, what needs to be said is this! That ... she's my significant other, for all I know. Or can tell. I don't see how my heart could change about that - in like ... ever ... with the one exception that on occasion it seems that Megan ... would be "him" rather than Monica. But so, Megan isn't the only brother/husband I seem to have - and what confuses me might just be a matter of settings.

The way I feel about Monica however - at large - makes it easy for me to forget about all of that poly stuff. Or Clarity. And looking back and taking averages ... well, first I'd stick with God above everyone and everything else. After that, I'd stick with Monica - whatever that'd make of me, hoping that I could. And after that comes the pit of despair.

I mean, back then ... that 2020 part ... I noticed that not believing that she's 'the one' for me ... it makes me feel sick. Like really sick. Like ... really really ... "I fucking can't" kind of sick. Which is why to me nothing changed. I mean, I kept that in mind, made sure to not lose it, but then kind of forgot everything about it; Thus being then stuck in that weird condition.

And that's the hardest ... thing about it. Hard as in strong and not as in difficult. The idea of being without her eats my soul. It devours me and turns me into something worse than a pile of misery. It's like turbo depression on steroids. Instant. No hot water needed.

And that's also why I believe that she loves me. I mean, I find that Love to be somewhat irrational. Like ... ... well, whatever. There's no need to question it.
It transcends time and space ... and that's pretty cool!


And I believe that #3 and J.Lo were also given a real chance at redemption and getting a spot. But I suppose ... they're egos are just too big, there's like ... no room for ... anything but their own way.
And sure, the thing with my Soul ... I mean, the way things played out in my head ... it gave her (#3) VIP status, like ... a piece of the pie or whatever ... while allowing the rest of them to believe that they have something that couldn't be part of the Plan and thus that they have an advantage that ... so and so.

Ah well ... how silly!

But ... it's still something to keep in mind I guess.


"The Thing" ... well. I still have a hard time calling it "My Love for" ... because Love is still a somewhat complex and messy sobject to be fair and real and honest. Like ... I suspect what I understand is basically just the outlines of a vague shape ... . But then, I don't know what else to call it, other than Love. But ... I guess the real challenge comes down to real life. Like, when I meet someone in reality ... the matter becomes: Can I believe in these intangible things? Or would I say: Well, REAL is Real and the rest is just a fantasy that may also just be a psychosis. How reasonable would it be to call a real opportunity a temptation? Well ... I could try to play the poly card I guess. But in reality ... it never really came to that point. I mean ... there were moments where I started to think ... but whenever I did, the person I was having in mind also ... changed their behavior. So I assumed, eventually, that this is God saying "NOPE"! And that ... takes/took care of that. Sortof. I mean ... followed by me actually adjusting to it.

But it's a weakness I still have I guess. I mean, the whole previous year was perhaps ... almost wasted. Like, I felt like God was complaining about me taking on that vocational training - and the problem pointed to would have occurred like a year ago. I didn't get it - I was completely in: "My own life is the priority now, if You got something ... make it work" mode. Yea, not very good I suppose.
So yea. I myself was done being brave and turned towards expecting it from others.

And now I'm not sure how much of it was part of the plan, but I suspect ... that it was an inconvenience that God anticipated and planned for. Just letting me know that ... there's a problem and that I'd have to shift priorities. Like ... at a possibly inconvenient time. Like, I was gearing up ... getting ready for the final exams. They're sometime in May and ... I can delay the practical part for like ... a year. Which is ... that. So, the option is there.


And yea. There's stuff to be said about that too I guess. I mean ... how reasonable is it to just throw away everything and expect things to turn out fine? I mean, it's close to ... that Temptation where Jesus was asked to jump from ... the wall? What was it? Like, using different words we can cloak the issue and make it about a leap of faith, to lose Your life for the sake of Christ. But honestly I think that ... for that to be true there has to be like ... a proper goal. Or purpose. Where ... I also think that God has a degree of tolerance. I mean ... it's probably less helpful to have words of caution on this. Like ... no amount of caution can weigh against the value of the experiences that are to be gained.
I'm sure of it.

The thing with the temption I guess is the expectation of a miracle. Like ... if You race against a wall to test God on whether He might stop You or not ... that's suicide. Simple as that.

So, what it means to take a leap of faith kind of has to measure against that.


And so I suppose I stopped being brave because I realized that ... just doing crazy things and hoping that it'd somehow send me tumbling down the right path ... is kind of silly. Like ... there's things I don't understand, things worth working out ... answers to seek ... enough things that wouldn't require me to do crazy shit. And I still believe it. Like, within reason ... am I in no position to move. But ... for You ... well, I guess it depends and I'm not sure how to comment on that. But if God works for You ...

I shouldn't ...
But what should I?


But I'm glad to notice that the hard feelings on this matter seem to be gone. I'll do my thing, when it's time is time ... and until then ... who knows?