Darkness falls accross the Lands

... uhm. Have I told You about my friend Henry who got me into Linux? Well, one evening he came home from work ... blood alcohol non-zero ... and he said something to me. I mean ... Henry was a Character. He loved being pedantically annoying in a way ... people routinely complained about it ... and so, this didn't really strike me as odd. He said something about how I'd lose all my health and then die, but then I had another life and then died right away again but then I had another life and lives upon lives. Like ... sure, Videogame talk. I was at the time working on a healthbar. So, I thought he was just weird - because ... he didn't seem to talk about what I was doing. And I suppose now that he had a dream and at that moment it just came through but he wouldn't tell how it was a dream I suppose.


So, to be real ... I had to be honest. And some of what I wrote recently would go into that direction; Sparing You the worse of it because I had gotten over it. But yesterday I got there again. So, this Dog that allegedly would solve all my problems, well, as it seemed ... the opposite was the case. For there I was ... somewhat violently disintegrating. I was throwing insults at God while the rage in me was bubbling somewhat out of control ... repeating it to keep it stuck in my mind and to not go insane.

I suppose I could have somehow caught myself and with teeth and intestines dragging on the ground write about how I hate the Gospel. Doing the whole "I suppose I'm Antichristian now" routine without really being Antichristian ... but, I haven't figured out how to take that curve yet. Something about how ... what I do here isn't as much sharing as it is a buffer between me and self-destruction.


I started having suicidal thoughts again.
I'd have added a few lines to the thematic error log on the front page and ended it with "core unstable".
Headline: Condition Worsening.


So, what happened?
Well, obviously, I understood that Dog to be Monica. I wouldn't just accept it - but it was my next best bet and for a while it seemed like things were heading into a good direction. And yea, sure, I suppose words are dangerous in that context but I couldn't avoid it. She said: I'll be there tomorrow. And that set lose a chain reaction.

I wanted to believe it and as the story goes I should feel inclined to. However, at the same time I knew or understood that I can't trust it; But telling me that became the more difficult option. So I did what I could to brace myself for impact - as, technically she has 7 hours left to get here. But so, rejecting hear ment to reject God; Not rejecting her meant believing in more lies - and thus I spiraled out of control, sinking into a state of depression to the point where I started to intentionally suppress the pain of the hunger that was rising with the intent to just starve to death.
I mean, what else would I do? It's not like ... I have the feeling like I'm supposed to eat anyway.

All the words and thoughts coursing through my head were nonsense. Or the same kind of BS I used to believe - like, ignoring the content or matter of the belief, but how it makes me feel. How it feels to believe something that's basically just born inside of my head. Like, I know that I shouldn't trust it, but how can I avoid it? It's insidious. I routinely catch myself "hallucinating" up moments where I'm not alone anymore. We'd be playing games together ... or whatever. Just for me to realize that that's not what's happening NOW and that I should snap out of it. And it's become worse the last few days.

Stuff about rules. What rules? Nobody told me anything about those nonsensical rules. For a while I was entertaining that there's something. Some logic or whatever ... to it. But ... facing it, I know nothing about it. So, it's difficult. A lot of confusing things. I suppose it's really just random. And then, occasionally I'd get those Antichrist/ian Blars into my head. They'd continue to feed my negativity - and for every one inch of progress I made I got kicked back a mile or so. So, why even resist anymore? Health critiacl. Flashbacks from Elden Ring/Souls games ... should I ... give up or try my best? And a heartbeat later I was ... broken.

I let it wash over me. It seemed like God was trying to show me a way, but I couldn't take it. It was ... drowning in comparison. I noted that ... whatever the case, I wasn't given what I needed in order to handle this. I concluded: They love me very much. Maybe not in the way I would like, but nobody else cares about me while they seem to spend a considerable amount of time and effort on me. I mean, if there's twelve people let's say that are targetting me. How can I protect myself? The moment I can't focus on it ... I'm vulnerable ... or however that works.

But then God, or so, the "God Blar" in me, was like: "Haha! I knew that this was comming and I have my special lotion for that". And yea, sure. "It's probably nothing" I thought. "Yet another lie". "It won't work". So, things got downhill a little steeper at some point. Falling, wherever. Into whatever. For all I cared ... my takeaway was that God betrayed us and that we're all lost. Unless You want to be an asshole I guess.

Eventually however this warm and fuzzy feeling came over me. So, is that the lotion? Sweet, well, let's see if it works. And I certainly wasn't inclined to see it work. But eventually I started feeling better. Cool, well, whatever. Nothing special. Nothing ... substantial. I mean, it was fine. But then ... someone creeped up, wanted to dig into my heart and I didn't care and so the whole thing appeared to fall apart and God seemed really upset about me doing this - or not doing anything - which just further fed into the mood I was having. "I figured it won't work!".

And then the warm and fuzzy feeling changed into something more fiery. Hot. Sizzling. But ... still so in the 'warm and fuzzy' area of things.
It didn't motivate me to change anything about anything, but eventually I fell asleep. Then I woke up; And everything was fine. Like ... I had been fixed up. Like ... I had to get these things out of my system. Illicit beliefs, I suppose, that I somehow picked up on that would sabotage my psychologically.


Like, well, 2008 or 2009 it was. The whole story with J.Lo was about to come to an end. For me. But in those final days a scenario played out in my mind in which she and a few others "repented". They were really sorry and they did horrible things to my mind but if I let them fix me they would. So I let them; And eventually forgot it ever happened. And when a brief flash of it would come to my attention, I'd be under the impression that it was right and that it helped me. For so it seemed, at first. That they helped me. But I suppose that was the start of where I positioned myself in second row. I would watch them do their thing, sort of ... "waiting for it". As, whatever the narrative was. They clipped these things into my mind with an appearance of clarity or freshness or how to call it.

And before falling asleep ... the absolute BEST ending that I was able to see, was to make this about ignoring whatever "Plan" I thought there might be, looking away from it all and like ... starting over. Like, who's here? What's the Plan? What can we do?

And actually I don't know. It doesn't seem like it's over just yet ... but for now I've been professionally discombobulated to then be reassembled. Which is ... neat I suppose. And for what matters ... the Love thing. I guess that was the real problem. I mean ... do I need to ... I probably should.

Faith and Belief - like Hell and Scape

For me - "as a Christian" - there's that problem with calling myself a Christian that's based on what the common understanding of it is. There's a lot of theory on the matter already there, so I won't bother you with it. But for me to be able to go and do - I still need Faith. Or Belief. And that's what I did the last couple of month. Trying to ... do the deed. To trust and to overcome. But what I started to trust - and believe - and have faith in - over the course of time, became increasingly negative. I mean, for the last few month I kindof stabilized, but that thing yesterday ... or this morning ... (my cycle has shifted from long waking hours to short waking hours) ... that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I tried to hold it together, but other than curling into a shell "fuck everyone else" ... I couldn't help myself.

Like, what about the Gospel? It's good - alright. But there's all this baggage that keeps annoying me. Issues I don't have answers for - and quite frankly, I don't care to have them. It's irrelevant. Insubstantial. But here and there people might insist on those answers anyway.
And yea, I don't have them. All I get upon request is gibberish. So, gibberish it is.

And sure. That's OK - but when you start to question God ... the whole Gospel kind of becomes ... treacherous. It's, as some would point out, what to do in order to become a good bootlicker. If you wanna be had - read the Bible and live by its rules ... as it were. If You wanna win ... flip it on its head and read it the other way. Well - neither is right.

But so, yea. All of a sudden I was just me - someone who must have understood something wrong about everything and now ... I'm just lost. Whatever. Understanding that God is near to me, a friend, helping me with my stuff, having good inspiration for me, keeping me safe, giving me ways to almost live above what I should be able to afford ... that used to be an important source of my ... strength let's say. So, that getting compromised ... that's ... not inconsequential.

And sure, technically it's still on a fine line. It's still ... nothing. I'm still only fed things to keep going with no end in sight. Or ... whatever "end in sight" is presented to me, I cannot really believe in. Which is like ... another one of those issues that's probably connected to some deeper issues - but ultimately also plain reality.
But as the math comes together, God did put in some work to fix me - despite all the heinous shit I've flung against him.
Well deserved?
... I mean, to be expected!


Anyway - from what I gather, from how I'm set up, we're in "Victory Lap" mode now. Which is great, because ... hmm. Well. I mean, some more time will have to pass. In the meantime ... I'm having Minecraft inspirations and am working on beating Consort Radahn without Summons. I mean, I can Nuke him in the first phase ... but the second phase is still ... I haven't quite figured out what's happening just yet.