Fragmentary

Hmm ... . Yea, so ... the thing is ... a part of me was glad that I was running out of weed. Well ... it's stressful sometimes. In a way. Like, wakey bakey is great ... but when you're baked and you sit down and you realize you're not baked enough ... it does get stressful. Like ... sometimes I worry that I'm an early dementia candidate ... which I usually get to think from doing things in the kitchen. I mean, my mind is elsewhere and so ... I catch myself wanting to do stupid things that make no sense. Like ... I was just filling hot water into my French Press and then my mind was stuck on somehow pouring the water into my thermo can thingy and being like "but there's almost no water left". I have to use a pot to boil my water right now, my kettle gave up. And my french press ... well, it might be better to say that I don't have one.

Out of all my ambitions to be better at these things ... I got pretty much nothing. But then ... "voices" keep telling me that I deserved it. Like ... sure, I have to make concessions and stuff, but still I don't really have to waive on things. I mean, I shouldn't overdo it either and still I'm riddled with guilt over my habits - but I suppose I have it bad enough as it is so, I shouldn't be ashamed to enjoy what luxuries I can afford.


I mean, we're in this together and we're all 'compromised'. I believe. I mean, so, I've been watching Blacklist. I'm currently in season 4 and the story between Elizabeth and Tom ... I mean, honestly, it's a wild ride and much much better than I expected. The Characters are awesome, well played and the stories they write them into are just made for the screen. And it's ... not ... silly. Like ... it's really serious stuff. Like, the story with Reven is ... I wouldn't call that BS. Not speaking of realism ... but ... the social aspect of it. And the thing between Liz and Tom ... I mean, in a way or two we've seen it time and time before. But I can dig Tom as a 'real' Character. Sure, played for the screen, ... I think what I mean is that they get their imperfections right and they also make an effort of making them ... stick. And fit. And ... they're part of what fascinates me about the show I guess.
And so, spoilers, with Tom ... he certainly tries to be a good husband and father ... so, he's this shifty Character, Spy, multiple fake passports, grown up without parents and turned into this Agent. And it's a part of him so he's driven around by it. Whether something is actually going on or not. And Elizabeth may in all that be just an emotion - or a hope, a glimpse at a life he might have ... and so, what does that mean for the person at large? Well, I refer to my book, mention the flux, and would here speak of "different Characters" in a sense that compete with each other. And when those mindsets dominate ... priorities are a little different, sortof. Love for Elizabeth turns into "Protection" or "Safety". And like that I believe we're all ... emotional catastrophies. I mean ... I've been to places and seen people - especially places where people would speak about their internal struggles - places with people who care and people who are supposed to care ... and all of that has only strengthened my disdain for ... "this" hyper vigilant pretense of justice or righteousness. Like, I'm not going to drop into a Musical or a Disney Song Moment every time an emotional thing happens. Should I be happy? Or sorry? Or whatever? Maybe its the autism speaking but at some point I believe I'm not actually diagnosed with Autism and thus suspect some gaslighting is going on.

Well, whatever.
Am I therefore a bad person? Well, I certainly am not "as" good or "that" good at being like "a Light" - and I suppose my sense of honesty forbids it.

And ... or But ... I do believe that some people rely on this kind of behavior in their day to day. Like, cynically I'd call it a sharade. A more friendly way would be to call it "the Act of Society". So, to not imply any malicious behavior. And I belive it might just be the core ingredient to your typical existential crisis for beginners. Like, when the act falls apart and you start to ponder about reality outside of that, I assume that can lead to a loss of identity. Like ... especially when ... . I mean, I knew this guy. Always cheerful, clown of the class ... and later I met him in one of those places and he let on that ... things aren't always what they seem to be. So, if your identity is like entirely born from how others perceive you; And that comes apart ... what's left?


Sense and meaning and all that ... it seems to me that there are two realities thereof. There's what's socially accepted and then there's reality. And it's an abstract world apart from the "hard felt" truths that eventually split us into spiritualists and materialists. And those are words. Spiritualism is Good and Materialism is bad ... until you can't pay your bills with spriitualism anymore ... is how the story goes. And I suppose that by virtue of having to fit into that narrative, the sole criticism that remains is that I can't like live without money. And such things. Yea, I'm the prophet, can't I just breathe under water?
I mean, if I couldn't that means that I could be killed and that'd be silly!

Sure, it's not the exact words my enemy would use ... but what makes that a better argument?
If meaning and sense is only valid if a select group of morons can figure a thing out ... then ... yea, God help us!


And with all that being said, there are a lot of valid assumptions - I guess - that could be thrown about when looking at a thing. But then it's like ... when meaning and sense are only valid if it doesn't require anything from you, so, when you're completely dissolved in the societal act I presume, ... I don't have high confidence in that any of those assumptions would be properly validated.

Speaking of random fluctuations of the randomness of things I suppose.

Well, so what is true?

Am I a Slave or are there no Slaves in Zion?


Like, it seems silly to say that I'm a Slave. Like, enslaved by whom? A Slave isn't supposed to appear without a Master and get everyone to believe it. Like, I'm supposed to be glad and leave the shackles behind.
And then there's God. And He's such a Drama Queen sometimes. I mean, sure ... He doesn't talk so ... I suppose the expressions have therefore to be read differently. Like, when I'm thinking about what I associate with being a "Slave", He doesn't want me. I suppose you could draw it in some Resident Evil esque comic - where like veins pulse forth from my skin, weird outgrowth start to appear, and God is like "Aaah! Go away!". But it's not like ... what I need when I go to bed and I'm looking for some comfort. And when I start to overcome because God is my #1 and I can't let this malarky stand ... sure, He's ... calm, but also not in a helpful way. Things get more and more difficult, He becomes more and more shifty; Which isn't to say that I can't pull through. I did ... and the next day was just recently ... where I told you about the story with the dog.

Not that that story addressed it properly, but ... it's all in the mix.

As, there are those moments where I just don't find ... "it". Which is why I'm now here, awake, writing this - rather than sleeping. Although my body I suppose is already ... gone. I mean, I felt like tiredness that I wasn't allowed to have in the past came over me ... so my body is like DX and my mind is like super awake. ...

Yea ... it may be the downturn. Like, it's not always easy to tell what's ... like, a physical reaction, what's a psychosomatic thing and what is ... something else entirely. But yea, I had to comb through my ashes again to ... maybe ease the downturn a little.


But so I am to entertain multiple possibilities - and if you're looking for a needle to pin into it, well - something about it has me uneasy. Like, how would that look like? Then people shrug and tell me that I'm the one supposed to provide it. And then I'm like shrugging again because you don't seem to understand what I'm telling you ... which ... is to say: Well, what is to qualify as a 'thing'?

So, I was told to spare you the details ... and to stick to the things that ... I can stick to. So ... I was lost in this confusing mess, driven by ideas or ambitions or desires but nowhere to take them, but, eventually, God ... to say: Certainly none of this would truly mean anything unless He would also provide something ... like ... for reference. So, the idea being like a "Tome of Depravity" - to the point where ... I might have a baseline, as the ideas I'm having are like all over the place.

So, an inspiration came - something about an Angel - which also came ... at least I was in the right mood to "receive them" - and then things went on and ... from that, out of that, came something that stuck with me. So, by Angel I mean ... an invisible force that may or may not have been only in my imagination.
Though, sure, it's more than that but to the unadjusted eye ... it might just look like a brainfart.

The point is ... for some stretch of time, like ... loosely connected ... three or four days ... this story played out. There was a problem, a narrative, an inspiration, an event ... and from there on it continued to make sense ... like, until now ... or just before. And the problem may have been that I too readily discarded the foregone events as I have not yet properly internalized the truth of it.
And quite frankly - a part of me resits as it has no reason to do so. Sort of. I mean ... that's like ... the thing.

I mean, way back - way back when BDSM was still more or less new to me, I figured that I must be "devote" or something along those lines ... but then, what I thought were aspects of devotion, they wouldn't come to me. Like ... bowing down. Being subservient. That ... kind of stuff. And sure ... I mean, I'm a victim of rape ... and not a house maiden.

And I suppose that's also the most appropriate ... term. Or 'distinction'? Diversification? Well, unto my clarity. Well.
So - I didn't feel like I was devote then ... in the sense that I didn't have that kind of devotion. And I bring it up because now I have something like that. And I don't know why it wasn't there before - but ... it's possibly multiple reasons. And yea, I first would need the cognitive tools to properly understand it. Otherwise, the general description has been there for quite a while. As of that there was however no way to properly sort things in. Like, what's just language for the impression and what is the real thing? What do I mean by rape? And what does it mean when I say that I need to get raped?

I mean ... I can tell you with confidence that I don't try to get raped - and I'm sure that I don't want it.


But so. The Angel was supposed to deliver a mark - neither of the ones mentioned in the Bible - if ... I was accepting it. So, like a delayed ... introduction I guess. But also, it doesn't really fit into the otherlore I guess ... well. Which is one of the problems. Like, it's not even like just ONE consistent reality, but ... all and everything and nothing intertwined.
Sort of.

And that was what was delivered. It worked with the narrative that I had prepared beforehand - and it then continued to feed into it. Most importantly is there a certain gratitude that overcomes me when I find myself in this ... well, let's call it "Hyper Victimized" state. Right now that doesn't mean anything to me because my mind is elsewhere. But I can still feel it. Similar to the shackles or the collar - but those ... I suppose my mind has debuffed somewhat. It has become somewhat skeptical or hyper critical of them and hence there's ... a degree of rejection that has consolidated. But this gratitude is ultimately a part of it. I don't necessarily see it as gratitude. However ... it is what enables me to be a "Slave". And that's ... the first and simplest thing about it I guess.

So, when treated like a Slave - or more to the point, when victimized into a certain state I start to feel gratitude. And that basically creates a basis for me to be. To exist within. As in that form - which further enables those that put me into it to keep me in there. Sortof. Though, due to that ... "spiritual harness" ... I'm basically already in that state. I only need to be reminded of it ... ever so often.

And it is like a hull. Images that resonate with these gratitude they remain there and remind me of who I am.

Which is also why this mark is called the or 'a' "Mark of Condemnation" - as the gist of it is that God is relinquishing his divine care by transferring "God rights" unto someone else. Which is one of those "Realm of Darkness" BDSM things - where, God isn't supposed to be a factor in those things; And if so, the dominant party would like if they could embody that Godhood because it's ... just so. Whether or not God agrees is a different story but as far as I can tell He does agree.

So, that comes with a bag of questions ... like, whom do I mean when I say God, now that someone else may tell who my God is supposed to be? And I still mean God. It's just for me that ... someone else has that let's call it "radiance"? Or impact? At leas that's my impression. But so, getting raped is like part of my being. Don't ask why. I'd reject it because it seems too good to be true.


And yea. While the visitation was still fresh, I felt really harshly ... what had up until then blown right past me. A reaction to my denial - that lead to swift repentence and then again a consolidation of the given impression. Which is to say, ... yea, my Husband has all the rights in the world to do as I please, with seal and stamp from God. To say, this is a real thing. The one thing I feel in me like ... religiously. The one instance where the divine establishes a presence of dominance.
Which includes a general idea I'm given of what those new Masters of mine would want or do with me. But yea. From here on out ... it's like all in the book. The second one.

And I don't know why you needed that information. Or if it helps you in any way or ... so. But it's a thing ... like, what to expect. Maybe there's more, but that's ... not a thing thing that I could attest to. I mean, technically I violated a thing which now has me ... eligible for like major punishment - but that's also like ... properly ... worlds beyond me.
But then I'm depraved. I knew I wanted to violate that presumed rule of mine ... for some depraved reason ... and now I'm worried that it might actually be real. ...
Which ... would be the question?


I mean, 'they' certainly could make things difficult for me - and they might even be compelled to do so. I'm not sure. But 'they' are clearly my superiors. But still. I'm under the impression that if you needed this information, like, insistently so - you're on the wrong track. Like ... dead wrong. Like ... psychotically wrong.

And I know it must be true because I'm not getting any resistence on this. I mean, on face value it looks like a violation of my identity; But how? Because "my beloved ones" were about to drag me into a torture dungeon to turn me into sausage? I mean, I was there thinking that I had to make things easy for you. YEARS ago. Like, psychotic. Believing in something I knew wasn't going to happen while the mind is still throwing out "maybes" - to then at the very least maintain a certain fantasy. And it seemd kind of normal to me - at first - until I realized that essentially I'm assuming that I have to program you to do what you're supposed to ... and that can't be right.

And the same may be true the other way around. Like, You couldn't just say hi because ... whatever.

Ultimately ... they were to drag me somewhere - who is and isn't coming out alive would still be up to me. I belive that to be the case and if i don't want to be dragged somewhere I'm not going to be dragged somewhere. And if you're bringing all this crazy stuff to me, the sole function of which is that it complicates everything for no good reason, don't!

And this is kind of the point around which I loose the will to live and I want to shoot myself. Like, I don't know. I didn't sign up for this - I'm not sure how I was convinced that any of it is what I wanted ... but clearly humans and I don't work together. So ... I have to accept that and count myself out. Like, one more life like this and I'm ... He's like dead to me.
As, whatever He wants from You ... and whatever part I would have ... they can't be together.


And maybe you don't understand it. And I don't suppose it's a good feeling. Like ... it's the kind of mood that seems to justify boundless cruelty.
Though in my case ... just boundless rejection and disdain.


And I believe that that's on YOU.
Because ... what else? Sure you can point the finger right back at me ... . I wonder where that'll take you!


And yea. I hate it. I would have acted on this feeling multiple times already. I should feel stupid for still being here and obviously 'not done'. But I can't. God won't give me an out and I started to hate Him for it. And if it's for some kind of greater good or betterment then I couldn't see how for OBVIOUSLY nobody is going to appease me and NATURALLY that has me light a barbeque in my inner eye and I don't think that THAT was the goal.


And then there's ... "Meta stuff" or how to call it. Like ... if I am like this and you're going to get a scene if you were to take out some bondage stuff for me to wear ... wouldn't that set us up on the wrong foot? And wouldn't that just determine how things would go from there and so ... it's not a thing? I mean, I used to think that way. That had me then attempt to like ... attempt to write out a detailed plan of what I'd expect from you. But that can't be life! Right now I'm in THIS mood, just before I was in a different one and later it'll change some more I'm sure. PERIOD.


And I don't know. I get this way when I think that I like have to do this. That this isn't just me sharing but ... like ... serious. Like ... wasn't I just telling you that it is? And now what? What difference does it make? And in fact ... it reads to me as a threat. And either I have a bearing of the situation or I don't. Either way ... I'm shaken by the lack of independence I guess.

At least that's my reading when ... I get upset like this. Or I get upset when I read things this way?


Like - sometimes I feel like ... you dare not talk to me because one might sully my perspective, taint my purity or whatever. Like, if they were around, nothing I said could be taken seriously anymore. And at that point, sorry but I'd have to slap you so fucking hard the echo will still be audible in a million years and more.

Just saying. I mean, a part of me is sick of always being the crazy person that can't be taken seriously. At least have the courtesy to tell me - and that's where the story continues with the why and why nots. And I don't get it. The way I see it however, you don't seem to have the situation under control. But well. I make an effort of living under a rock these days. So ... whatever.


I mean, I would have it as simple as this: Everyone who tries to convince you - in whatever way, shape or form - to leave me be, under whatever pretense ever and if you mean to care as much as one possibly could by doing so - is a fraud. Period, end of the line. That's however the age old story that plays out in my mind over and over again, ever anew, ever surprising just how ... either I have no clue or I'm cooked. It must be the former because You can't be that dense - I tell myself. But the stories keep playing.

And if I am to convince you of anything, these are the stories I can go by. Like, what else would I go by? But then, how is it possible that all that is true, but somehow people would still be reading these things? I suppose it could work. Like ... some single individuals that believe versus a bunch of people who refuse to. Which is another way for me to say: So, why the fuck do it? Why not be off on your merry way being in the right place?

Fear? Worries? "Strategy"?

Like, what strategy?
There's something they don't want - and you should get it! They want to stop you from doing something, maybe ... don't let yourself be stopped? How? Well ... .

I suppose that if You asked God what it is that He wants ... He'd have to shrug. I mean, that's kind of the gist I'm getting. And you can certainly find some quote here and there of me saying as much. Independence is a thing. Him not wanting to babysit us is a thing. You do You is a thing. Although usually used to say that someone is having stupid ideas of what the right thing to do is, it is still for all intents and purposes ... the right thing. But ... You have to make sure that the You part isn't stupid ... basically.


I mean, I don't know why I should feel guilty over this. It's been a thing. I keep yelling around of how nobody cares, then I start to feel bad because I don't know what the big plan is or whatever ... but neither do You I suppose. Or am I wrong?

Other than that I don't know what you'd want this to be. Or picture this to be. Like ... you somehow got washed up here, somehow stuck around ... and I don't know what to do with that idea but to panic. But if you feel like getting complacent with this situation ... You doing nothing while I somehow have to find a way to entertain you here ... I'd say You're loosing it. The battle!

Because it makes me feel furious!

I mean, there isn't much of a choice I have ... and I suppose there are better and worse ways of dealing with it. But what's left? What could you justifiably compell me to do, still?


Well, I get to look back and agree that things kind of turned out alright. That is, ... maybe. The rest is up to You I'm afraid, as always. ... as always ... . Now I can be proud of what I did ... but no. First: You'd probably not let me have it, second: if I'm not making a big enough stink myself You'll come up with some asinine reason still, and third: I'd hate nothing more than give you the satisfaction of it.


Like, You don't get to tell me that You were right. I don't think. At all. God knew what would happen and planned accordingly. If it plays out in the end ... is then, yet again, up to You. That's how this salvation thing works. At this point at least. And if it can't get past You, well, that's on You. Have fun!


I mean, that's what it is. The serious "game"! And sorry if I'm the only one playing it ... on this side at least. "And they will seek death and not find it" - yea. That's how I feel. Kind of random, but it is very much how I feel.


Like, doesn't it strike anyone as odd that I don't have the means to do anything but this?
But instead of thinking: Hey, maybe I should help her ... they be like ... well, clearly God didn't mean for it!


Alright Sherlock ... I guess I've been outwitted. Like where am I going to pull those resources from?
And sometimes I'm not sure whether You've seen too much movies or not enough. ...


Finally. Hmm. Reddington as a Character is kind of a sad figure. I mean, he struggles with the inability of others to trust him - so, even if he had the best of intentions; circumstances and human nature prevent him from enjoying them. I can relate, but on a different basis. And I'm under the impression that God makes an effort to stress that what I'm telling You here is in fact our official stance on these matters.

Like ... that story with #3. A fine detail is that I once had a dream. I had just sent her all my drawings, so - I had almost nothing to prove that I ever worked on a fantasy epic ever - and then I also kind of didn't - but, in that dream she had my stuff all neatly stored away. Like, sorted in colored filecases. And this dream haunts me since because I am as disorganized as it gets. I try to do better, but I can't. And in the meanwhile the echos in my mind speak of her poking fun at it. Or not so much fun, but making it a big and serious point how my disorganizedness is a testament for Gods absence in my life. Well, my God likes Toilet humor, so ... whatever.

I mean ... God is "alive". And any petri dish will show you just how much, eventually.


But yea. Technically this is me getting loud and IRL I can get quite upset although it takes a LOT to take me there. But this mood carries a lot of that and while I've calmed down and merely reflect on the situation; I can't say that the feelings aren't there. So, I'm not angrily smacking the door shut - and then some, possibly - here; But some of You should probably think of it like that still.

So, my idea of a break? I don't know. Somehow I keep getting bothered by things. I didn't get up thinking that I was going to get bothered. Hmm. There's the story of the lost son. It's a nice one, but at the end of the day ... being that is like the lowest of achievements. And I don't know. At the end of the day it doesn't make sense to try and compell You or convince You of anything. It doesn't seem like it. Like, apparently it's been fine for so long; So - at which point is my insistence serious?


Am I entitled to it?

I mean ... yes. Sure. I am. Most certainly. In a great many ways. And in a great many things. Any mention of God that You utter concerns me more or less directly. I don't think that there can be a shadow of a doubt in who I am - so You have to do some proper mental gymnastics to look the other way. But in that regard, no. I'm not entitled. You do You. That's my curse I suppose.

But if You give me nothing to Live up to but shit-nuggets thrown on the ground out of spite ... at one point You might just get them back!

Which is a clumsy way of expressing my mood on this. Like, what am I going to make of this: Person X was getting into Linux and following up on my code but confused - and she had to stop herself from coming to me ... and now kind of bothers someone else. That's ... MY life. So yea; All in all You cannot expect my sympathies. You can expect me to function ... and if there's to be more, well, that sounds like a You problem to me. The end.


Note: There is no significant amount of money behind this endeavor. I get an annual bill I can usually just barely pay. And still ... somehow, I suppose You got this message. And yet You'd be telling me that I failed in just that regard? Like, how are You supposed to know all these things that I'm telling You? I wonder ...
And what are other people going to think? Normal people? And sure - I've just taken it there!
Like sure ... poor Jo shmo should feel compelled to do something before ... the Rich and Famous. And possibly they should. Like ... I don't know. But alas ... we'll see who takes the cake!