... still dizzy

Anyway. So, throughout all this there was a point where I was about to write about [...] - which is kind of a thing I've like ... discarded from my consciousness. At least I try to. It's strange, as it is so far in the past I might as well have forgotten all about it; And still it seems to follow me around as it if were yesterday. Not only because at long last it was brought up to me - so, I suppose from that side I'm supposed to remember, eventually - and the story is pointless because my assumptions are one way; And they also suggest that those assumptions are wrong because I don't really have a reason to assume any of that.

I would want to safeguard myself against the worrying possibilities that I conceive of, and found it to be best to ignore it all because however often I'd try, I'd be putting people in the spotlight and be pointing fingers at them for some reason. It's not like ... while I'm here in a position where I have to convince people in writing, while they have to put in the interest to read through these things themselves, ... hmm ... what I can do is just be honest. Look at the time in question and tell a story that entails the necessary details that I worry about, but also a bit more just to make it not about that per se. You would in the end not know which items I cared about - you'd only know whether it's important to you or not; To for instance ... learn whether I'm telling the truth or not.

One angle I have into it, is to call it the story of my once attempted suicide. I mean ... I was standing there at the rails contemplating it. And in that moment I saw like ... two People ... well. I didn't 'see' them or "see" them, I saw them as kind of ... visualizations or projections from a pool of emotions that was swirling in my heart ... and it was two people I knew making fun over my death.
So, maybe this may serve as a curious datapoint for people who want to know about ... school shooting perhaps. Look at my profile ... say the worse of it ... and what kinds of misadventures that would take me into; Where you, the normal person, might be asking "how?". "why?". What's motivating these people? What's wrong with them?

And I can only answer that from the assumption that I myself was on the verge of becoming one or the other.
I mean, there is the death of the persona at first. Which ... is like teenage angst mixed with a broken heart and the illusion that it's all over now. Life be over and hopeless. I've been there, but that's not really the thing. I mean, read a book, play a game and it'll wash over.
On the other ... I don't know. I believe I was joking when I said that one day I'd be slicing up Koenigstrasse with a Katana. I don't know where it came from; Other than that it came with other ideas of how I want to decorate my persona - or how I wanted to be seen. It makes me wonder if that could have been implanted there. Not the murder spree, but the image of a brave katana warrior that has no enemy but society. Maybe someone then said a few words to trigger it, like ... "society sucks" ... or, not just that but letting me know that I'm safe when seeing society as my enemy. I mean, must have - from how it matters to me and how I would function. But ... as you can read, it's ... nothing I'm super sure of. I say it was a joke - though I for a few days there were like two or three occasions where I brought it up; And that may have been the point where my reputation went from top to flop; Thus triggering like ... the spiral of events that then led me to standing there in front of those rails.
But ... no. I mean - for all I cared everything stayed the same.
But either way had I been living in a country with easy access to weapons - it could have ended differently. I mean, while in my case it was some form of 'ego' that made me not pull through, in other cases people also have bloodlust to contend with. Which is possibly a whole different set of circumstances, but anyway.

But overall I then also never felt like society was my enemy. It's strange ... looking more closely at this. And ... there goes implicated person #1. #1 would be who implanted and then somehow "coerced" that expression from me; Which I then ran with for a bit while it was fresh on my mind and I out of my senses I suppose.

But then there's also #2, the proverbial Antichrist, #3 ... the girl in the story - and while we're on #2 ... there's a weird thing I noticed. Which is weird because I didn't know the song ... but as however it goes, it goes like: The snake, the rat, the cat, the dog ... how you gonna see 'em when you're living in the fog?

Because this dude had like ... four friends. A snake, a rat, a cat and a dog. They were like ... unexplainably close to him. Sure, friends from before I knew him - but they also orbited him like a shield. I mean, I was under the impression that we were like close friends. But with them around, I felt like I was the stranger.

At the end of the day I was just someone hooked in on the access to weed and whatever companionship emerged from there. Also was I blind to however this operation was financed. I mean, I was young ... and the weed was free. Which isn't totally true, but ... whether I'd buy weed, someone else bought it or however - we'd always be there smoking. And if you didn't have any, there always someone had some. Well, mostly.
So, in other words: I was the guy on the couch. (Was it 'Halfbaked'? What other movie was there ... ? Hip Hop Hood?)

And so there was this one evening. I barely remember it - and I suppose my mind wants to reject it for how weird it was. I'll just give it as I have it. I was sitting on the couch and there was this vacuum cleaner on the floor. #2 then started to talk to me about it, referring to how my grandparents had the same one. #1 was also there - and the whole thing came down to the question of whether or not I'd be making a deal with the devil to further advance my interests. Anyway, I declined - and that's probably when ... . Well, since by the next day this wasn't on my mind anymore and as though it never happened ... oh my. What an odd person I must have been.

So, in a weird way ... maybe I do have to apologize.
Or it is a testament to how much people generally wanted me around.
But eventually I was like ... dependent. It was a phase that turned into a habit that turned into a "what now"?


But alas, eventually they got rid of me.
But now you might wonder: How is #3 involved?

I don't know. Which is to say: Technically not at all. But #2 and #3 were the faces I saw laughing - and some sense of: If I killed myself, I'd be doing exactly what they wanted. And yes, so, this is a little puzzle to me. Well, for how it wasn't for me at the time ... the thing is that I had a crush on her. And eventually people knew about it. So, one evening I was alone with #2. At some point he left the room - let me alone for a bit, then came back and he told me that he was an angel there to give me a prophecy. And it was similar to the other situation. A weird ... aura filled the air. I was perplexed - somehow - as if in a trance. And so he spoke to me about how one day I and her would be together - and then he said a bunch of stuff of how I would know that.
Eventually I forgot all about it, but then I was switching through the channels on my TV one evening, and a sequence of channels triggered it. As he - so I recalled - mentioned a sequence of channels I'd be zapping through. But then I wasn't sure if the order was right or what the context was. Another sign involved a certain video I'd be watching; And then a phone call from her. Well, she did call but we didn't really have a conversation. She just said things, acting confused and then hung up. And it was - and still feels - like it was but a dream.

And that kind of got me into a state where I was convinced that she might show up any day - and so I came home ... and then got disappointed. Eventually I left earlier, afraid that I might otherwise miss her. And spoiler: She never came.


Today, so I hear, she's a Yoga teacher living the jet-set lifestyle. Don't ask me how that works. Of course she has a sponsor. So I hear.
And sure ... some call her attractive. I was shown pictures and I wouldn't recognize her. Not my type and more so, there's a kind of attractiveness that I find ... somehow repulsive. Hard to explain.
Maybe it's in the facial expression that's like "Oh, look how pretty I am" - and nothing else. Not necessarily in a stupid way, but ... I mean, there's flavors. Like the cute girl, the innocent girl, whatever. It's just window dressing and a behavioral mod.

I ... have abstract experience with that. Integrated cirquits and stuff.

Like, I can imagine that "they", a.k.a. Antichristians, they kind of reprogrammed themselves to be incapable of understanding the truth. That allows them to just ... live out their lies - like, did I actually post that or did I end up scrapping it? The ... short legs? Let's put on wheels then ... line. I'm not sure. But here it goes again if that's the case.

Oh my. So - rambling about it ... . There sure is that feeling I get, that ... whenever I end up in a situation where someone feels like ... they got a hold of me - and that's literal: So: The feeling is of a person that feels like it has the feeling like they got a hold of me ... (note taken) - they like wanna drag me to hell. And I would happen to have the weird habbit of falling for people like that. So the way I at first read it is: Eventually ... people learn that they like hold my fate in their hand ... and it's always the same thing. So, what is it with people that all they seem to be capable of doing with me, is to want to drag me to hell. Even so that they might be perfectly fine but NOW all of a sudden they have that itching feeling that maybe hell ain't so bad after all they get to drag ME along with them.

So ... "where is my God now?".


And so, what's the story with Monica Bellucci then? Why is it that I feel like she's the one I have to cut out?
But at the same time I can't? But I have to? I mean - it's not always clear to me. The faces and feelings ... it's ... I mean, in my defense: I try not to touch this thing or give the slightest of a damn about it. But ... hmm. ... . How does this work?
I'm stuck on a word: Hair. Just the faintest strand of a connection with the thing kind of ... has it take over. Like - all that I associate with Monica ... I can isolate it and try to remove it, but whatever I have in me that made me connect with it will have it like ... "flush" back in. And so there are other things that try to flush in - and I suppose they kind of make it further each time, finding the little nooks and crannies - blind spots as it were - which may translate into better and better ... doppelgangers sotospeak. So, faces that try to impersonate her - or sit in places that I might frequent but aren't covered by anything. So, my lonely place perhaps. Which would be a thing, like ... I'm sure we're not that tightly glued together.
And in what synergy there is - they can say ... something to the effect where ... they hold my affection hostage asking why it doesn't apply to them if so and so. I don't know. The thing is that I suspect I have no reason to cut 'her' out of my life.

But so, I guess it's their MO. To waltz in, imply a certain value that they have and then compete with anything thrown their way. Simple and effective. If you have the resources. Within that accumulation of power they impose their rule - more and more - bypassing common sensitives when and wherever possible to relentlessly establish a sphere of dominance and to consolidate a foundation of power as soon as possible.

As I'm sure has been whitnessed countless times.


"Live by the Wokeness, die by the Wokeness"

I always suspected that #2 and #3 were on tour to rip me off. That they would impose as me in a sense. That however someone somewhere would have to play the role of the savior where the other half of the bunch makes sure the power is squarely with the beast. But I suppose ... I was too unimaginative. Instead we get this weird amalgamation of light and darkness glued together with/in sin. A Kingdom of evil built to protect the perpetrators from the innocent. I mean, that much I always knew. That in the end they want to have perfect freedom which entails a lot of trampling on others. However they'd do it, they'd somehow convince you that they protect you from evil; And while you live in a world of happy sunshine you must accept that their methods work. If you're however the unlucky person of the week, well ... that's just how it goes.

I mean ... I would love to have this greater debate about the rights and wrongs of a dystopian society, as it seems we need to put more effort into working out why we might not want to live in one - or if we do, how to work with the terminology.
So, we need boundaries for what it is that we want and for what it is that we don't want - and we have to make it so that everyone can understand what it is that we have and whether or not it works out for them; And if not - what we could change to make it better.

But here's the thing: Already does ICE violate what I understand was the American Concept of Law and Order. And "us" being cynical about it is about how often it seems to fail to do its job. The Conservative rule only worsened it - so, it's all on them. This has nothing to do with "Liberals" not "appreciating" the Police. It's "the Police" being less and less a friend of the People. People however accept those ICE violations under a pretense. To get rid of illegal immigrants. So, people would call that a slippery slope. Because as you here open the door for such violations - you're poised to look away when they are being expanded. So, it wasn't an illegal immigrant? Well ... . Not to speak of the way in which power is used to silence opposition. So - already people are looking away to further transgressions, speaking to the fact that in respects to the slippery slope, you're close to arriving at the bottom.


I suppose that "the woke mind virus" is real. The problem however is that conservative brainrot comes with some kind of tribalistic metamorphosis that starts to associate everything that isn't part of the "hive" as an enemy; And so "the woke mind virus" is just one thing that this amalgam is being flagged with/by.
But to the point where everything is rendered using systematic descriptions and a hyper-critical light, you too have to render yourself in that light ... and thus ... here we are.
I'm not calling it a bad thing, but ... in most cases people think it's annoying and unnecessarily polarizing.


But so, as they walz in - they try to do so ... with as much backup as possible. Of course. So, disarming faces, official authorities, respectable citizens ... that kind of thing. So - everything inside of me that isn't like bolted in place ... they might eventually take over and be like, "wait, wasn't this mine?".
I mean - as part of this emotional construct that over time becomes ... an impression, a narrative, an emotional trap, I suppose ... that introduces fractures through confusion.

If you add both sides together - that is, individuals cut out of society by being left with a millennium puzzle to solve ... and individuals cut into society through leverage and false play - and you got yourself the world we live in today.


And our greatest weakness is that we have no sense of common identity. "We" are all isolated individuals that are way to scared to connect with each other because we are isolated and thus don't know whom to trust. We don't know each other either. And so, there's no sense of ... support as there is also sense of a thing that could 'be' or 'exist' in opposition to this other growing thing.

Is that still like ... "self fulfilling prophecy" levels of ... nothing noteworthy?
I think the picture is pretty clear. It's nothing like I expected, but still surprisingly sharp for how odd it is.


I mean, sharpness in this sense would also entail a level of consistency to it. Like, if it's just a figment that must be upheld with lots of handwaving and concept art - and vanishes like a breeze when the pages flip ... then, yea ... we might campare it to a fata morgana. But this is like ... a documentary.
Or ... a tome, an ancient codex with images and descriptions, like ... anatomy and stuff.


Hmm ... aaaahaa. So ... the story with J.Lo ... . It's kind of the same story ... which however isn't about me, a.k.a. the lolcow from before ... but the story about me, the other lolcow that I was yet to become.
So, what a surprise - I can imagine - that it turned out to be me who would turn up there ... so they could just continue where they left off. To say, I suppose it wasn't difficult to keep me burried ... . For the time being. Hmm ... neighbours are having fun again. But I rather hear the moaning than the cursing. So ... yay! A good QoL roll!

I mean, I first got the impression that in her songs there's this mysterious person ... as a Love foretold and I somehow convinced myself that it was me and other things then went on to convince me that it's real and then it's just the same story from before. I mean, I had a more mature goal and more space then for personal growth, so ultimately ... the story is entirely different from the one before. In the one before I was helpless, lost and confused. Here too I was helpless, lost and confused - but that wasn't my priority. I mean, I suppose there also were expectations I could or would have to live up to - where there were the hoops I would have to jump through as imposed by J.Lo - at least so in my mind; Which would be like the first hoop to jump through: to divine the answer to the problem. Or so, the layout of it.

And it is also here where the story is this that while I have to solve a puzzle to prove my worth, they're welcoming the devil with open arms and fornicate in front of my inner eye just so I might have an incentive to speed up my work.


So, here I thought that 'they' play the act where I was declared loser and someone else the winner. Because I was looser me solving a puzzle in my grandfather's basement; And they were winner them with big intel and money to be where they had to be. And from there on the logic of materialism ... would have me ... incapable of ever entering "the game" ever.
And while everyone is playing it ... there's nothing for me to do but to skulk ... I guess.

On the other hand I may have always been too weak. I mean, if #3 and J.Lo for instance were prisoners in their lives because the Patriarchy and Misoginy combined have a way of getting in the way of ordinary lives like that - I suppose - I failed in even securing evidence of the fact. So, here's a way for me to riddle myself with guilt and ... room for maybe's that can tear open old wounds and let in unwanted guests.

I mean, it's another "filter" to put over the whole story ... and there's enough holes in the walls to assume a few things one way or another ... but after careful consideration I have arrived at the conclusion that there's nothing I can do.


I mean, you can picture me as the hero and thus pin your hopes on me, requiring of me to have the courage that you don't have. But if you excuse yourselves from the things that are asked of you, naturally ... I can't help you beyond a certain point. Saying, well ... I suppose ... I guess I'm done here.