In good form

uhm ... no. It ... doesn't exist I'm afraid. And ... I have to confess that to be on the up and up with God although He is making insinuations that I should "watch it". So, kind of like He wants me to start lying - but, God is tricky like that. Truth is tricky like that. And one part of it that I would know about is the part where it comes to writing. I mean, the time I take writing about my life is not living it - except for the fact that me writing about my life is part of the things that I'm writing about - which means that generally I'm writing a lot, not only about my life - so that all in all it's fair to call me a writer. Except ... it's not. Something is eating away at it at least - and I was and still am willing to consider that this is just me. Either way, there's this problem - between me and the world around me.

And I haven't met many that could tell. I guess I know ONE person that ... can tell a tale about it and this person, well - I'll say it for I have said it often and it is the one thing I would keep on saying for it is the one honest thing I can say in public: This person defeated me. It's not important to know the context - and nothing about it is positive in any way. I have said a lot of horrible things - for my standards and likes - and if that ever came back to haunt me it would be fair I suppose. And it is along those lines that my defeat at the hands of this person would continue.
Unless I continue being critically harsh - which is where the mess would further unfold - at least my negative projections do imply as much. And yes, this is like ... also a way of phrasing out the sad reality that is my life.

Maybe it's a way of saying that ADHS can be a bitch. It's like with weed. Whatever potential for hyperfunction that there is, is at the same time also an obstacle. And so, on a positive note, it'd take time - best estimate - for the person to make sense of themselves. I mean, if I ever come out of this story on a good note - relative to my own interests - that's certainly a part of my past. I mean, however much I want to blame "You" - it's probably not as much intentional as it just happens to be - and that may or may not be unfortunate.


But then ... I did have friends. Or. I mean, on the other side - most people I ever met tend to ... like me? I mean, based on feedback I'm actually quite popular, well respected ... enough perhaps to have people wonder what my deal is. And maybe ... I should tell them. But nah, it's like ... everything BUT. I mean, I'm always like ... testing the waters a little.

I mean, it seems like they live in a world where I couldn't sell what I have as anything other than a cult; I assume - making me a cult leader - and that's like one way to loose all sorts of respect and credibility.
Ahw well ... where's the lovely crook that has all the talents I need when you need them?


So, as for a fassade that I could put on or off - I'm not entire sure what that is. I mean, to be on the safe side I would have to say that there isn't a concrete understanding for that on my end. Might I be masking as some function of some kind of Autism? Sure. But say, in real life "writer" would be a fassade for what I'm doing here; Although, sure thing, I am in fact writing.
It were a fassade, so my line of reasoning, if what I was writing here were just Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

It's fun because if you type lorem and then tab to let sublime automcomplete it you get that! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Ahw ... autocomplete. What a blessing and what a curse at the same time. I love it and hate it. You can'd do with but you also can't do without.


So, if "whether or not it is a fassade" then becomes a complicated question ... just to then say that it is while by my logic it wouldn't be ... we can have ourselves a situation. Then how would I know if I still needed to explain myself? It's kind of like the "think for yourself but also do as you're told conundrum" I suppose. And I wonder at what point I should stop chasing and start shooting rabbits.

I mean - for all intents and purposes I think it is utterly clear to me that some degree of high functioning clairvoyant acting is expected of me; And for however far I'm stuck trusting YOUR judgment on the matter, let it be on the record that I think it's a bad idea.

I mean, I suppose it's sweet and fine that you're concerned about MY LIFE - but anyway. I digress. Wasn't this ... the opener?


And sometimes I think it would take something like this. A short text that you ought to read over and over until you get it. Because if by the end you're having issues that were explained in the beginning; While in the beginning you're having issues that are explained in the end ... you can ... just rinse and repeat until you stop fooling yourself.

---

And if that, honest to God, doesn't help - then you have to sit down and explain yourself because I don't get it. Other than that there's a thing that you want that I'm either not willing or not capable of giving. It's probably the latter.

I mean, the first point I was confronted with this I equated it to an explosion. You'd want this to explode or come with sounds and noises and buttons to click on. Maybe I should write that down. In the meantime you could check out "There is no Game" and tell me if that's going into the right direction.

---

And yea - maybe I wrote myself into a corner here. I mean - this is a smooth ending even if the considerations are all wrong, bad or misguided. You still didn't get the satisfaction I set out to deliver, unless, the satisfaction doesn't exist which I just tried to explain to you but alas ... here we are, still. Yet. However many years - not counting.
I mean, I'm seeing how the prophecy is its own thing and how the things that happened have been foretold. Sure thing. But that doesn't really change my situation or yours ... really. It only means that I was right. Although technically I was wrong to assume that I could affect any positive change I guess. But well. This is it. I'm this. Paranoid ... confused ... oblivious. Alone. The end. Only kept alive by the ambitions nourished through God. And the occasional bathing in His mercies. Otherwise I'm frustrated, stress physically harms me, I'm bitter and full of hard feelings. There may be the equivalent of a knife or two sticking in places where they shouldn't just be pulled from. From how I feel. I'm perfectly fine in isolation - but my interaction with other people is superficial at best. More so I have reason to believe that I'm somehow incapable of anything beyond that, to the point where I actually blank out when things ... well. Hard to tell, all I know is that it happened once, in a way that I can talk about and remember as it happened during a group therapy session. I suppose most critically I'm emotionally compromised to the nth degree. I basically exist within the accusations that are thrust upon me. I notice them and must fine how I either don't have or am not given the means to correct them. I cannot enjoy my life because I'm constantly busy thinking about the ulterior(?) motives that people might think I have ... and probably exist in a state where I emotionally accepted that I'm accused of all that - without the capacity to resist. It's like ... a fools errand. I can shove the boulder up a bit, but then it comes crashing down the moment I flinch anyway. So ... fuck that.
I always thought that what I was doing was easy. Too easy maybe. And now that it has become difficult, I'm somewhat reliefed because that takes away my capacity to be bothered about much else.
And sure thing. The moment I'd manage to get people to embrace the darkness, finally I'd be the most luminous person again. Which is fine, but ... the accusations still remain. Well ... here's to hoping that one day such shit won't fly. I mean ... am I dreaming? Is this just me hallucinating? Living in a fantasy? If so then ... yes, sure thing ... you wouldn't just leave me hanging here like this, would you? I mean, the whole: You'd have no reason to act nonsense ... I'm not sure if I can entertain that, like, at all. I know that I'm accepting it over and over to calm myself down and such, like I'm overreacting any time I'm writing. Oh, ... yea.

So, how can I get my head straight? Wasn't I just saying that this is it? Or perhaps worse? But if it's worse then that means that I'm strong because I can endure all that. Which then means ... that I'm ... StrongER and that there's nothing to worry about? Is what I'm worried about. One thing I'm worried about. Like yea, poor thing got raped so much it's like ... not even a thing anymore. On the other hand bubu has his feeling hurt because someone called him a Nazi for doing Nazi things ... - now that's serious and the entire staff of the white house has to hold a sacred ritual to appease him! And do I now need to pray like three ave marias and a whatevermagik to atone for my insolence? Holy shit, the Vatican is in the White House now. Well ...
I mean ... it's silly seeing American atheists struggle with religion just to then arrive at catholisism to be the "sane choice". But well, America ... .

Hmm ... the choice of weapon in my violent fantasies has changed from guns and melee to shotguns and sniper rifles.

Could it be so that there's a sense of safety that people seek which is really the apple of damnation? I mean, is it these kinds of things - a.k.a. unsubstantiated assumptions I'd be pulling out of my arse if asked for - that people want to hear? Or need to?
OK, it's not unsubstantiated. Like ... thoughts are real. Emotional stresses are real. Social influence is real. What you're left with is a situation in which you are faced with actual forces of a kind - and I can't help you there. And if you're not digging the God, then ... that's you getting lost. So, as always ... see ya on the other side.
I mean ... sure thing. Most people wouldn't need to see me personally and most of all is going to be fine by just ... well, whatever is right at the moment. And eventually that will grow to the point where ... I get dragged out of my home to then be the queen or something like that. Sure thing. So, I can appreciate it ... you do that then ... while I try to figure who gets to Lord what over other people's heads for the rest of eternity.
I mean, rationally speaking ... I suppose there's the whole apple thing. And while everyone can certainly keep holding it over me - it really doesn't mean anything anymore. At this point. You're swallowing it up and licking your fingers just to spite me, it seems ... and so is that.

Hmm ... there goes more of that. And I have no other reason to believe that this is what I have to write about me but that it's what's going through my mind or heart. So, my relationship with You is ... not a thing, first of all, as you are technically a wall. And if you feel mocked by that, then you are one person that is represented through one or more weird appearances in my consciousness ... which I here come to reflect on and say that I take it for real. I can't escape it. But what can I do about it?
But how would a person feel mocked by that? I mean, how can I explain to you that what I have in front of me is in fact a wall and not ... whoever the other person would be? And 99% of you are like "who?".
Maybe. All wall.

And that's it. It's nothing but negativity - that ... I find. Like, is it a fassade? The ultimate ruse? Like, I planned to fall in disgrace so when you acknowledge your guilt you're even more loyal to me? I mean, is it like in Blacklist? I recently saw the episode where there was this Terrorist that nobody could find ... and his plan was to get found - to sneak into a Mossad HQ as a prisoner to then hijack the place and steal secret documents. It's all so ... reasonable? But sure, somehow it has to work out ...

Anyway. So, at times I believe i have to be more optimistic. Be more pleasant to look at while you're doing your secret thing ... - in the hopes that it might after all be what's best in the long run. If there's ever going to be a run.

But ... among all the disappointments one thing has never failed: The disappointing nature of humanity. Which is ... a good point for me to end this on. I'm not going to change my intrinsic and heart felt experiences on this matter over night, here or in a heartbeat. And because you won't do anything to change it, it'll be around until forever. Nobody needed to lord anything over anyone else. It just is. Well ... not the kind of solution I had hoped to see at the end of the road, but well. Sometimes ... things don't quite play out the way you want them. It sucks ... because the winner in this instance is a real asshole. But you do you. I can't wait to b... . Hmm. Yea, jokes on me ... I'm like ... stuck here until the end of days also. Well, here's to a ... a swift ending!

I mean, if you really were on planning to "surprise" me, I can ruin your day so fucking hard you'll still be crying over it in a million years. Starting with how it gives me no pleasure to do so, but it feels damn satisfying. I was worried before, then I wondered how it might translate into reality - and maybe it starts with my inability to enjoy any of it.

I mean, wondering "why" - this is a possibility. Maybe "surprise" isn't the right word. Maybe it's just fear and happenstance, to lay low and do stuff that doesn't require public attention. Well, we'll see what you got when you got something. Hmm ... and this is what I ended up wasting this whole day on?

Well. It'd be just a day ... if it weren't also ... every other day. And so, yea. I don't know how to do this. I'm alone, homesick, I feel lost, don't have anyone to talk to but people I kind of just have to ... let be in ignorance ... and however much I do it's never enough. And if at the end of the day "the words look at you funny" would be all, it's still ... just the ordinary.
But yea - while it sucks to be on the "receiving end" of this, the true victims are You. So, do you like what you have/are? Is that it?
And you're just not sure how to sell me on it and ... you're waiting for some hypocrisy to latch on to?

So yea, whoever is emotionally captivating me is probably ... not doing so with well intentions. Which is part of what I tried to tell you above. I'm ... emotionally compromised to the nth degree and words can possibly not properly convey just how much. I need help, which has me look to whoever might be listening here - to the end ... where ... I have to do this whole spiel over and over again, ever so often. So ... welcome to my world. And alas ... I feel like I need to waste my time with "less meaningful" stuff. I might return to continuing on my "IT project", whatever that's all about.

And so, why can't I just do that? Have a sip of tea, enjoy my life, do the thing with ease and thanksgiving while sipping on some tea superiorly? Well, isn't that what I'm doing?


I mean - sometimes it may not look like I know what I'm doing and sometimes I'm convinced of it myself. But on and off I'm scared by myself, which is possibly my invisible friend having my back and all. Which sometimes makes me feel like I don't know what I'm doing too - and sure things, sometimes I am in fact, with utmost sincerity, just fucking lost. Like ... this. I mean ... you can see the "safeties" that are in place ... so, I'm not leaning out of the window this far without protection. And God is so invisible I tend to overlook Him sometimes. But so is this story ... that ... I can spend considerable amounts of time writing or thinking about the wrong thing - to then arrive at a conclusion akin to ... I should definitely just blow myself up and take others with me.
So, the way I see it God isn't scared that I'm leaning out of the window this far. But ... as I have noted, things are ... starting to give. Possibly because things are in an overall ... weird situation that does also put more stress on these things than usual; Which is then taking me into a place of "oh oh" because I don't have the slightest idea how to handle the situation.
So I do what I tell you not to do, always, which is to ignore the situation and be on my merry way.
I mean ... that's ... damned if you do, damned if you don't - right?

But yea. He told me that everything will be fine and "..." stuff ... so, ... while I'm skeptical that's still ... uhm. So, what's the point of this? Well, I wanted to spend my Sabbath Day meaningfully, I felt like I had to get some stuff off my chest - I didn't find what that was ... but ... instead I may have disemboweled myself in public for no reason.


But sure. The truth is that I'm very reluctantly in this situation. So, yea. I'm not ... all that contempt here although I'm sure that after a proper review of the actual alternatives as acknowledged by God I'm back to singing His praises. And I guess this has to happen ever time when people start to think a little too crazy things about me. I mean, I suppose becoming a Legend is weird and there are whispers of caution when it comes to that. So, if I really want this, then I have to make sure that ... it's built on solid rock. And that's ... yea, that'll have been worth I suppose almost any effort. Not that I like being ... "rewarded" - but getting nothing out of everything is also a bit shallow. But - so, I should focus on just doing it right ... and that'll be that. And so, this is that. A part of it. And ... landing.