Updates? - stuck in a box

Hmm ... so, this Chromebook comes in handy right now. And previously I was thinking that maybe I was a bit harsh concerning the google AI results. But then, working with tab-groups isn't all that great as I would like - insert rant about the concept of user-space and how apparently we're not supposed to keep track of stuff - and screen economy is ... terrible. But alas, it is what it is.


So - I'm just sitting here and wasting some time. I'm a little tired and need a little time to let things rest. I mean, I was tinkering around, doing some upgrades - but it's still a bit more work to do before it's round.
And a little voice in my ear is telling that it'd be a good idea to stop working on it for now.
I mean - sure. I guess ... by some standards, what I've got is enough to see what's going on and right now I don't think it's a failure. I mean, at this point, starting over would take me to the base frame of the eagle engine. And that one's also already pretty tight. It's more so a matter of fine tuning; And before that I need to put a few more things in place.

And ... yea. That's that. But then there's something else.
Bothering me somehow. I mean ... what else am I doing right now outside of coding? Well, I'm ... torn out of it every now and then and ... things go sexual.


But about that. There was a strong impression that how I feel about myself does in fact have some influence from outside. I mean, the one moment I was there at the bottom of the depth of the abyss of my darkness - and the next I was there put on a pedestal.
Like ... I come to think of it as a membrane of tensions.

So, when people don't care about me - I get only a small slice from "the cake of love" that is the sum of human attention that there is. When people dismiss me, that's like someone coming and taking stuff away. And it gets a lot more complicated due to the dynamics and implications. Like, when people worry that certain things get normalized, it is due to such interactions.

Like, the attitude that work is important is fine. But when repeated enough times - especially in our modern world - the idea is that one 'has to' work; And when there is no other option, how am I free? I mean, this - what I do here - is freedom that doesn't exist in that "having to do a job". And yea, people may find reason to 'dismiss' what I have to say on that basis alone. So - in a sense of dynamics I'm not thrust into slavery, but the tensions are untowards a situation like that.

So - when I'm in a pit of dispair and my only hope is being dismissed - that also ... has a different impact than once I'm overall doing well. And it makes sense that I would somehow get an average, a vibe sotospeak, about where I am in the food chain. So, there's a situation and then there's a way for me to cope with it.


But apart from that there are other factors. Love as it were. I suppose. But so, being serious, I would have to be sure, I guess. Is "the thing" real or is it not? If it is, then ... OK - fine, how long will I have to wait? If it's not ... I should get that into my head somehow too. And if it's somewhere in between?

But here it's not too too different I guess. I mean ... thinking of the "people" that are represented by "stuff" within my heart, there have been shifts and changes. Like, ... say, it's destined Love and so I can Love the person as they are because that is how the spirit manifests them to me. But in that sense I wouldn't see whether or not they are "there" yet. I would only know in hindsight from things that were off. I suppose.

So, it's a bit of a mystery. And, I suppose there's no way to seriously talk about it until we can get a few things straightened up. Like ... if I say ... Madonna is "to be" an important person in my life, there's ... that. I mean ... depending on who you think I am you might agree or you could think that it's ridiculous. And that has a dynamics to it as well. The more people that laugh about it, the more shame people will have from being serious about it.

But so, it ... well, let's call it a Circus. There's this Circus in my head - where, there's positive tension untowards me that drags me into an emotionally positive tendency towards them - and the source of that tension is a question mark for now. So, it may very well be a distraction; A crack in my shell through which focus and strength are sucked from me. I might think its effect for neglible, but could over time very well stack up. So, that's like ... the "dark mirror" let's say. So, the possibility that my internalized worldview is wrong. So, here I see all the rot and degeneracy I would think to find were I not biased to see it differently. It's the one pot that all get thrown into - we bother making distinctions? And yea, let those who have feet walk away from it!

But then - what do I expect? What could I expect? A story like this ... aren't humans too complicated for such a thing to ever work out?


I mean, when listening to Madonna or Britney I sometimes don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm supposed to be feeling. There's a similar thing with Sade, but in a different way.
Like, there's something there - but what or how? And maybe I'm looking at something that one isn't supposed to look at. Like, sure. Listening to "Circus" is ... like ... yea, what am I supposed to feel? And yea, I don't think it's clear or obvious. Like, there's layers to the stories as to the faces - which I know starting with me.
The central issue is I guess that I feel like a door has opened - and the impressions have since shifted to ... uhm, ... I don't know what to make of it.

Sort of. I mean ... . I feel like I'm supposed to write about this. For however little it might be worth. So, I now know whom my male identity is for; Or why it keeps sticking around, being a thing for some reason. So, that one's for Madonna I guess. And ... it makes sense. I mean, when it comes to Clarity there are those moments where things just ... become Clear.
So - Madonna was always there somewhere. And Britney. Vague images associated with them; And in the midst of it of course the fear that it's ... an illusion.

But it is still something. So - Madonna. As the story goes, I don't know the situation for sure. But there was a moment where I came to think of her; And she was there as a figure of Light beyond a veil. I wouldn't know what to make of it, but she would continue being this figure of Light. And I don't think I'm the only one feeling that way. And thus ... I don't try to make more out of it; Other than counting myself with some possibility unto the Worshippers of her.

And over time this Light persisted in mind - taking a distinct position amongst these types of appearances. I think of a diamond shape - so, two Pyramids stuck together at their bottoms. And Madonna, or the Light of her, takes the upper hemisphere with a distinct appearance of Daylight. And it just sits there. Nested into this structure that I wouldn't know how to get rid of. Like ... it almost seems like I can't touch it, but it's not invisible to the touch either.
Then ... I can see how this relationship can remain like this. After all, this Light is still distant and in essence also more like a patron to the things within. But it then starts to get weird once there's a personal link. Like - a thing that can't be resolved but through a private relationship.

At the end of the day I like to believe that there are people with some influence and resources who would be there in time to support me. On the other hand I'm totally uncomfortable with the idea of relying on or otherwise being among "normal people". Not that I can't or couldn't - but it just feels like ... I don't have a life, I can't have friends; And it's all just ... vapid and empty.

So yea. I'm waiting. Not necessarily for them or the other one and ones - although I should be able to expect that somehow ... if there's a reality to it that ... it's being real at some point. But yea, how could it be if ... the premise for it is like, as ridiculous as it is.
But someone somewhere must have thought "huh" - and done the things and so on and so forth - and it's part of how I'm still going. The thought or belief that there's someone, somewhere. But yea. Apparently nothing can happen because this is an impossible situation.


So, it's probably the bad thing. I mean ... I used to think that popularity can't be controlled. People connect with things on a personal Level; And thus artists - or even actors - the famous ones are like special because they have this pull that exists on behalf of that connection. But then, with the advent of Anti-Hero worship and the glorification of the Gangster the dynamics shifted more towards ... abuse of power and so ... the basis on which popularity was weighed has changed. Not so much the value of the things, but how we dare or don't dare to react to it.

But there's so much shit that's like being "turned to Gold" (well, not for normal people) ... beholding it solicits its own reaction. And it's the literal forest I couldn't see for all the trees. I mean, there's like good stuff, here and there - and that helps ignore all the other stuff that's however still there.

And yea. What's the ... the Dune power couple. I mean ... I can see how they would turn out to be so famous and popular. I mean, I was curious at the time where most of what we, or I, saw were old faces - or new faces that didn't really ... do the trick as it were. So, I don't know ... am I seeing things or am I seeing things?

And yea. I mean, it gives me comfort to think that we have these connections and that there's more to us being a social species than just ... some vague ability to communicate perhaps. Or maybe it's about things that are innate versus ... whatever sort of manipulation one might want to accomplish.

And yea, I can see how ... the stories fit together. How wealth isn't what it seems to be ... . I mean, I suppose I can understand it as well as I can imagine it - and having a visceral understanding that I don't know what I'd do with myself stuck at home all day and forever ... sortof ... I, uh, again can let my fantasy spin it in different ways. And yea, believing that anyone would overcome "the agony of" being good in such a world ... seems crazy. Right? I mean ... I wasn't really prepared for how dark things can get.


Well. Looks like I'm screwed. But this is also how Crystals looked ... like ... two month ago. So, well ... who knows? Anyway ... I need a break.