Conniptions

Oh, that is actually the right word for it - according to ... uh ... let me check ... well, I'm having it. Wild fits of anger.

Like seriously ... it's 9 am, I kind of was awake all night so ... yes, I'm already a little worn down. I mean, I suppose I spent like the whole night tinkering on my Linux install - basically getting Obsidian to run properly. i3 has this problem with some programs (Vivaldi, Obsidian) where the file picker dialog won't open. Turns out ... the setups to setup xdg-desktop-portals don't do anything if the script to load the x-org configs isn't in the .xinitrc (They're in the /etc/X11/xinit/xinitrc file). Whatever. It works now - I understood why it didn't work before - yay! I also learned to use Obsidian ... a little ... and ... yea. So, all was well. Too well. The only way things could have gone better if ChromeOS wasn't such a ... .

Like, seriously ... I wanna know: Doing anything these days - how much of it is actually unplagued? By shit like pop ups, cookie requests and advertisements?
Well. Whatever. I mean - I first tried to log back into my actual account. Then I remembered why I ended up in guest mode. I had to log back in and verify I'm a human. So, I check the box, click the images, press the button ... nothing happens but info sign below the captcha turned red. I'm confused, go back and forth ... and apparently I can't figure out how to prove that I'm human. Turns out, that the button I was pushing wasn't for the captcha. The button to confirm the captcha was like ... off screen. So, that was ... "fun".

So, anyway. Little facepalm moment but I refuse to put this on me. Then there's like a bazillion popups telling me how the Chromebook works or whatever ... like that button there that's ... why did they replace the "swipe up" bar with some wannabe windows button? Anyway. Like sure ... yes! ChromeOS! Please do tell me what it does!

And so I'm already contemplating to wipe ChromeOS from it. I mean, I had given up the idea - "let's give it a chance" I say - but well. So, I'm looking at all those new buttons that are all of a sudden pinned on my bar down there. Like, did I ask Goggle to install Gemini on my Chromebook? Then, what is NotebookLM? Let's check. "Your data is protected and will not be used without your consent to train Note..." oh. OK bye.

Well. DuckDuckGo at least is so kind to give you that gear icon where you can give feedback and essentially tell them to shove that fucking AI assistant up their arse. Like yea. Let me trust on an AI assistant to tinker on my Linux install. I mean, I tried it. I wanted to know what command to use to inspect the storage on my system. It gave me some weird command that's - well, I don't know what it did. Reading the help page also didn't really tell me much about what I was looking at. Something ... blkspci or something. Yea ... whatever.
But in google it's flashing, animated, "here". OK. At least it's optional. Right? No. Well, I can now enter a search mode that removes all the "clutter" from the search; And by clutter I mean: The actual search results.

And yea. So, I'm looking at it now. The screen. I typed in "fragmichnicht" just because that's the first thing that popped into my mind right now. So ... in total I suppose ... a little less than a fourth of the screen is the search result. But that's also just the AI overview. To the right of it a little window, like a ninth of the screen ... with two items. One on spotify and one on YouTube. Then there's a horizontal bar - and below it I can see the headline 'Videos' and then there's a tiny little bit of the tip of the thumbnail and the video title popping out. And it seems like that's the same video shown to me on the right.

It truly is a work of art.

So, me being ... somewhere between oddly entertained and stark raving mad thought: OK, let's install Vivaldi. So, to calm down and proceed with the "giving ChromeOS a chance" thing and try to make this thing somewhat usable. So, ChromeOS, or Vivaldi, has this weird option where windows don't resize. I mean, what do I know what they mean? Resize the window? Why? Maximized should suffice. Then there's this window on the screen - I push the maximize button - and the window hops slightly to the left or right - I don't know - but it doesn't maximize. At that point I didn't think that it was the choice I just made, I mean, what silly option is that? Well - OK, setup complete ... and I don't know. Vivaldi on Arch isn't like that. But here ... popups here, another one there ... and I get a swelling urge inside of me that I hastily suppress. Anyway ... I calm down, open Obsidian and am given the same option. This time I choose the very intuitively named "make it resizable" option - and yea, it works! And yea. Obsidian is almost like I have it on Linux. Except the sidebar is like ... really wide and can't be resized. Well, I can get used to it - it's ... OK.

So, one more thing. FTP client. FTP client? Is that the right word? It has nothing there. So I just type FTP. There is one singular app in the ... I mean, they have this separate play store that makes it seems like the apps there are made for ChromeOS. I'm like: WOW! That's ... an upgrade! But ... what's this? Download from Play Store. Hmm ... . So ... the thing had cookie settings with all that "legitimate interest" prechecked for me. Wow! What an amazing service! I was afraid I had to check them all myself! Sure sure. And sure: Top option: Unlock premium features! Nice, I want that, right?

Sure. I don't know. Is it like the PlayStore? Does Google have like a recommended minimum in nusiance that an app has to have to be on their store?

So - I've gone mad and calmed down like four or five times by that point and not actually done anything. Sure ... every beginning is hard. I mean - I understand I should just remove all the stupid BS and use crostini for all I care. I mean ... some kind of OCD I suppose. Anyway. I google some stuff and it's like ... cookies and paywalls ontop of articles already not worth reading IMHO.
You know the game. You eventually get to the point where you think it's over - it kind of is, maybe, though basically you just learned where to look and where not to look - but ever so often they're like : That was fun! Let's do it all again! Here, we reset all your settings for you!

But sure. I mean, android is based on Linux and Chrome is based on android. It's like a neat like triangle of sorts. So, however - I go to the kitche, take a break and a breath - not sure anymore, memory went a bit hazy, but eventually I wanted to google how to write "canniption" and maybe what it actually means. Good, AI can translate - I give it that!
So, what's the first result? I mean, it's hard to tell these days what a result actually is; Or was it like oxygen deprivation? Anyway, I ended up ... I'm sure it wasn't merriam webster. Oxford dictionary or something? Oh no, Cambridge ... one of the featured entries - above merriam webster. Well - I don't know which is better per se or more reputable - no clue. Merriam Webster has a "decline all" button. THUMBS FUCKING UP! TWO OF THEM! Cambridge and their ... uh ... what's that? ... 723 partners ... they haven't gotten that cutting edge technology just yet.
Well - on a positive note: Their text doesn't start with: "Your privacy is very important to us".

Yea, like YouTube cares about the user experience. That's why when the video is finished and I get ready to browse for what's next ... a little add interrupts me that I can't interrupt in return for a minute. Yea, I'm the looser for preferring to sit on my armchair-thingy and in front of my TV for a comfortable viewing session. I don't know why I'm giving dict.cc a pass on this. It's like ... whatever I click on they ask me the next time anyway again.

Oh yea, or I download the app I guess.

It's ... actually wild how little patience I have for these things. The IHK - which is some ... oversight thingy for industrial professions and also the administrative instance, I suppose, to the vocational training and the whole profession - so - they made a switch to digital. So, they send me a letter in which they give me some data based on which I then had to create an account. It's ... nothing. I suppose nobody would get mad over such a little hastle. But me of course. I'm like ... why? And then of course it's one of those "the password has to have 12 digits and this sign and a number and upper case" ... and every little hickup gets me to ask: Why don't you just make me this fucking account since you have the data and you sent me this specific code that links to my identity in the system? Why not just give me a password like everyone else?
I mean - I'll be logging in there like ... never?

I swear - all these people whining over digitalization ... or the lack thereof ... you have no idea what you're asking for!

Oh no. It's just ... it takes time and mental preparation. So, I suppose I'm officially too old - as indicated by me referring to it as "App Nonsense".


It's performative computing. Oh ... apps are so practical and convenient. Sure they are!
Next step - an AI assistant that manages my apps for me. Or maybe not - because if that goes to far, AI will HAVE TO read advertisement to us before we can do anything.

Yea, when it comes to that, I'm a true Luddite.


I mean ... oh no, we're in the "I mean" part of this. What was I gonna?
Well, something about being serious for a moment. Oh yea ... "productivity mode". That's where we are. They've shoved so much ass down our throats it's like normal to the point where "productivity mode" is like a thing - which is really just ... hmm. A taunt I suppose.

Yes Please! I would like to have some "Distraction Free" please!


Hmm. Has it ever happened to you that you realized there's something important you wanted to check on your phone - and like an hour later you put it away and then you remember that there was this important thing you wanted to check?

Anyway. YouTube ads ... they're also like ... something else. I mean - it has happened a few times where I was like ... watching News. All is horrible, child-molestation, death, kidnapping, war, war-crime ... I mean ... one thing more grim than the other ... and then it's like ... some bogus add trying to sell me breakfast dairy product ... all is bright and green and the nature is beautiful and everyone is smiling. But the heinous part is the voice-over with it's "Come On! You'll Like it" kind of "subliminal" messenging. It's not subliminal messenging, it's just ... a kick to the stomach while you're already on the ground.


I frequently have to think of that scene in the Matrix, where ... hmm ... is it Tank or Dozer? ... explains the brainwaves to the viewer. That's like ... what's happening there. It's heinous.
I mean, that's all that advertisement is these days. Like, when's the last time I saw an ad that was like ... something I'd want to buy?

I mean ... I was watching this video on how to use Obsidian. It's like a 12 minute video ... or 15 ... and there were like three ads. All AI/Grow-your-business nonsense.

And how often is it anyway that the ads will play at just the wrong moment? Like ... the video is leading up to something, the pivotal sentence starts and in the middle of it an ad will start to play. By the time it's over the blood that has shot into my brain has flushed all the information out and so when the video resumes I'm feeling a bit lost.

On a different note

I mean - yea. If you're asking me - all of these things could be classified as crimes against humanity.
I would say something like: Vote for me and ... so and so. But ... potayto potahto.

But yea ... I'm not feeling well. I mean, a side-story to this is that I've been really really hungry. Like - on and off it just comes out of nowhere that I'm like hungry to the point it hurts and I'm legit loosing energy. So I made a pizza (Well, not actually. It's called "Flammkuchen" ("Flamecake") - which is like "German Pizza" ... uhm ... "a.k.a. onions instead of cheese"; I never tried it before. I didn't know there's so much onions on this thing) and ate like a quarter and then I'm like ... full. I mean, not 'stuffed' - but the stomach going like: Oooh, hold ... no ... no can do!
And yea - freezing and sweating at the same time. I don't know - for my whole life I haven't been sweaty at all. But nowadays my hands are just like ... water dispensers of sorts. I'm sure the radiator might be on too high, but when I turn it lower it's like too cold. I mean - I'm sure ultimately it has nothing to do with that as I'll also happily sweat-freeze outside in the cold.

I was about to write something ... having a weak moment again. "I need help!". Going back and forth through things in my mind and God giving me some nudges here and there. I mean, the problem now is honesty. Like - my relationship with God is weird. Mostly because ... well ... God is weird. Sometimes He's like there and everything is awesome and other times He's like not there and I'm having an existential crisis. And this aweareness that this God of mine is THE literal God of THE literal ALLTHEREIS - that has so far not really sunken in all that deep. I mean - it freaks me out to think that He's like ... REAL REAL. And through that ... as we all do, I assume ... I'm having this somewhat superficial or passivity-soaked relationship while I've also thoroughly internalized the idea that I'm crazy and absolutely delusional. And then there's ... my anger. Or my ... issues. My problems. And at first there's only two ways about it: Lean into it or ignore it. The former will lead to clinch, the latter ... well ... is kind of fake. I mean - not really, which is why I said 'kind of' - but it's still purposeful ignorance. Or rather: To focus on more important things. But however I want to dress it up - the issues still remain.
I mean - it's mostly about myself. My outlook, what I am to do - like ... sometimes I don't understand why I'd want to do any of this. In a sense there's like a reward ... dangling in front of my face. But ... that's like ... not a motivator for me. More so the opposite sometimes. Like ... what's the point? I mean, what good is it if I'm the queenest of queens - if all I see in your a they who put me through all this and for what? To be all alone yet again? So, is my reward going to be to dispise y'all for the rest of eternity? That can't be it!
So - I'm having a dark moment, trying to find the "thing" in me - the ... motivation. Like, it used to be to fight against the deception in this world. But quel surprise ... nobody cares. So ... why am I doing all this again? FOR WHOM am I doing all this? Like ... it doesn't matter if y'all won't have it anyway.
And I'm like ... sick of eating horses. No, I was like ... telling myself that at this point I'm eating horses for breakfast! But eventually ... I came to talk some sanity back into me - came to more seriously reflect on what I've done - and all of a sudden I only saw the positives. Which was ... nice.
And somehow I found ... "it" then. And I beheld it was morning - thus, yet another horse for breakfast.
And what was "it"? Well ... "it" is to do good. The problem occurs when there's no good I see that I could do. And occasionally it's also a compromised position. Like ... if "good" here simply boils down to an attitude and like, choice of topic or such, I'm like back where I started. Just do what I do and let God handle the rest. Which is like ... where the whole issue begins in the first place. But yea - the ... detail is in the nuance.

It's like ... I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions when regarding myself as Israel, His chosen - but there is still a sliver of audacity to it. Audacity I've learned I'm allowed to have - but that doesn't change the fact that ... in this mindset it's easy to overlook that it is still God who said that He would make me a light for the Nations. So, it's not mine to ... convince you of it - although it's possibly not quite that simple either.


And yea - I'm a dum dum. Well, sort of. I mean - the thing is: God is smarter than I am. And when He has a plan that I'm unable to comprehend, me being smart doesn't help Him. And that's fine. But yea - being smart is like ... cool. I mean, I wouldn't want to be less smart. I guess it's similar with money and power. Or freedom, privilege, anything positive really. But then I'm also like ... plagued by it somehow. There sure are moments where I envy "the stupid". "If you build it, he will come. If you want it to be built for you, press 1. If you want others to press the button for you, file in to the right hand side".
Hmm ... I could watch some Married with Children again.
Funny ... I once told someone about it who never heard of it. Or the english title at least. And so when I mentioned it, they were like "Whaaat?" - like in a ... slightly weirded out with disgust kind of way. It's hard to believe that any of this can be fixed!


But yea. God is like: Not only are we going to fix it - we're also pushing human evolution forward a few centures.
And I'm like stuck with Him! Yea ... we're kind of a good match. But ... it also turns out that ... I'm a lesbian and He's a man. I mean - my comp-het is like on full tilt with Him. But ultimately He's just like a Teddy Bear. I Love Him a lot! More than anyone or anything else.

But yea. It's important to understand, I think, that I'm totally allowed to accept a reward for what I've done. Or whatever. I mean, is it in the doing, or is the doing really just a symptom of it? I mean - God is werid. Sometimes I was laying there - stuff going through my mind - and all of a sudden He's like ... giving me signals that He's like ... "turned on" - and I'm like: By what? To say ... it are things deep inside - motions of thought or emotion - that He sees in a light that our minds aren't really equipped to understand just yet. It must be like ... at the very base of me that things just go the right way. As opposed to ... well, others I assume.
And that's also kind of ... the backdrop to the bigger picture. To not ... let our fates be decided by how we were born. I mean - apparently I don't have to worry. For me it's like ... I'm part of the inventory. But on that basis - there's a lot, I assume, that wouldn't make it. And sure, if He wa... ??? Wha... ... what's the point of freedom or wanting or thought or any of it - autonomy and independence - if we wouldn't at least try to use it to ... grow the fold?

But yea. It's aggrovating. Sometimes. Like ... . I wondered how German Trumpism would look like. Now that we have it ... like, the first term ... I realize that I wasn't prepared for this! I mean - it's like ... Comedy. Gold. We even have a Comedian here that's like ... born to impersonate him. It's much more pleasant to watch him. And I don't know ... it's like ... . Close enough isn't right ... it's like our real Chancellor is like a bad immitation of his impression of him. Like, he's trying to be funny but it doesn't quite land. Yea, this is really just a spin on a thing that has been said before. A few times. By a couple of people.
And I suppose I only get to mention it here because I had a refresher. It's probably for the best that for the most part I'm oblivious to this stuff.

But yea. Conniptions ... . I don't know if I can handle what's coming. I'm sure it'll be fine. Somehow. It might only take a few miracles! But yea, it's not like we're having any limitations there.

Yea, it'll be fine. Anyway. It's about to be noon - which is a good time to go to sleep I guess.
We need a political transfusion!
Anyway. Next year is the year - if I'm not mistaken. I mean, it's weird. It's like I wasn't allowed to be chill about it. Like, I'd have to wait. And it was ultimately this impatience that was a driving factor that ultimately led to a whole bunch of experiences I wouldn't have made otherwise.


I'm somewhat home-sick. And it's getting stronger. But I don't know where home is. :/ ...

It'll be fine!