Stuff about Crystals - kind of

So, as I was saying ... I'll be sharing my code whether I'm happy with the result or not. Maybe that was a lie. I mean - I don't know ... as ... the circumstances I'm in are ... not reasonably compatible with such thinking. But truly, I would have had to wrestle with myself about it - and the moment I'd notice me slipping away ... I'd remember what I said and ... I'd have to comment on it.

So - obviously I'm happy with the result. It's maybe just halfway there at this point, but the problematic part is done. And it's pretty much what I wanted it to be. So, maybe I'm exaggerating how miraculous it was ... as it was basically so: I was optimistic about the progress I was making, but then moved to start over anyway. I did so ... and then I got to the point where I wanted to get the screen stuff done - again - and that's where I saw it. The solution. And ... it has happened a few times ... that I was at a point like that. Seeing the solution right before me ... but somehow my mind and fingers would stall; And for the love of God: I couldn't wrestly myself towards a solution. The more I tried - the more it'd slip away. Possibly because ... the code wasn't convenient enough for the solution to like ... write itself.

And I would think that the solution should ultimately speak for itself - and to that end I'll spare you the promo.

I do however still feel an obligation to somehow walk you through it.
At least ... for once ... the current state is pretty much the final one. I mean - there isn't enough space to significantly change it. Well. There shouldn't be. We'll see when I get high again.

But yes. The true success of it should be measured in how much people want to use it. And to that end ... it's probably still missing some features. So, you'd probably start with release 3, or wait until ... the Tetraplex is ... like "feature complete".

But I can already feel it like ... slipping from me. Like ... I alone couldn't possibly ... compete with ... well, what I want it to be. It's always been the plan - or "my ambition" - to leave the development of Crystals to the professionals; So while I work on my game and passively benefit from their work. I just had no concept of how that might fit into history.

So, as I was saying: I'm looking forward to getting retired on this one.
Give or take.

But then there's the other side. I mean, release 4 and ultimately 5 ... it felt like ... things were taking a different turn. So, maybe that's where my experience come in to say: Yea, I know the struggle! It all seems somewhat ... obvious ... and self-explaining ... what has to follow; But maybe that's just me seeing what concepts are still missing from the picture that you have.
But yea - I don't have anything "smugly smart" to say about this. Right now there really is just relief - and whether you get it or not ... my brain is like ... swimming in tears of joy.


It's obvious why things came the way they did. Now ... in hindsight. And I'm not even ... there yet ... where I'm willing to just believe or accept the implications of what I'm saying here. I mean ... the theory is, that NOW the situation is that there's space and interest and curiosity that makes like fertile ground for it. Previously - it was a fear I've been vocal about - I felt like it'd get lost in the confusion. In the tumult and chaos.

This wouldn't make sense if it weren't so - beyond which the next idea were that ... we're close enough and it at least helps me consciously to know that this is out there.

Or: I could have gotten to this point a looong time ago - and then I might be the one trying to tell you that I invented it.
Going off of my blars - there's also a matter of "distance to the problem". Like ... I was writing about in the previous writing ... I suppose there's a lot of heinus psycho-manipulation hijinx going on. So, them being critical - forcing you to engage with their criticism - for them to eventually hijack the momentum as to wire themselves into the process while maintaining dominance.
That's like all they do. Failing upward ... professionally.


Like yea ... software development is for chumps. Winners wait for the winning solution to come out - and then rip it off.

Like "this is mine" - and what are you gonna do about it? Become violent? Call the cops? Whatever you wanna do ... if they're whom you're looking to for affirmation ... you're being had!


The thing is that they'll sneak some emotion into you. Like, your own frustration mixed with their smugness straight, unfiltered and with pressure right back down your throat. And if that's what you're then stuck fighting against ... you're already losing. It's the poison taking its effect.
Well, because the more you try - the more you're fighting for their affirmation. And the more you do that, the more they'll withdraw it - so you're even more desperate to fight it. Then they'll go - and you're left with an impression that gaslights you into thinking that you've lost. And by believing it - you have.
So, then they're a new thing richer - and all that just from having been wrong in the first place. From not even having made an iota of effort to be right about anything.


And all this works because a lot of the system is ... like ... theirs. The gears are turning - and if they got something moving, what can anyone do about it? It's like a collective paralysis that exists because the nodes that would tie us together ... aren't there. That may be one other thing about ... their spying. If you're ... potentially a threat, not because ... you know too much ... but because you're a good-spirited socialite maybe ... you'd be on their radar. And they wouldn't need to kill you to ... prevent you from doing what you're "destined" to. For once they could check why you're on their radar; And then find someone else who's just better at it. Well, not better prehaps - but different, more charismatic - and you're not in a position to fight it ... because ... how? It's not even a thing! Or if you make it one ... you're the crazy person. I mean "look at him, he's such a nice guy!".

They can block you from getting a good job. Jokes on the employer for employing someone who's like ... out just a month later and wasn't ever a truly good choice to begin with - but that's not their problem either.

And then of course there's the paranoia. Whom can you trust? Or more to the point: it's just that! Paranoia! And you know what? You're right! It seems silly and counter-intuitive, but ... mental health is important. Like ... if you can't prove it, what can you really accomplish? Best thing you can do is to lay it in the hands of God ... finger-tips to the chin ... Christian Superiority. Let the trash take itself out.


It feels good to get this out now. Like ... 20+ years of paranoia.

I mean, to be sure: It's not "just paranoia" in the sense of it being crazy. At least I don't think so. But ... yea. The Bible is actually somewhat specific about that. Like the parable about the weeds. Yea, I like that one. I like to believe in a pretty bonfire we may have there.


But yea. Then, without them ... where are you at? What's left?
I mean ... there's a scene that keeps playing in my head. It starts with some argument that relates to something I wrote. The one party is taking my side ... arguing with the other to solicit an explanation. Things become more and more heated, the ones fighting against me eventually leave ... and then the stockholm syndrome kicks in.

And every time this scene plays out ... I'm more ... upset, baffled, weirded out, mad, angry, in disbelief and what have you ... over the question for how long this can keep going on. I mean ... I now am in a place where I'm assuming that it's a Blar issue. It's not the same group of people - but it's ... just another group that got around to the good ending. But to me it seems like an endless ... horror show.

I like to think that there's a movie being made (yea, for how many years now?) or to be made (well, more reasonable) - the point being that I'm under the impression that I couldn't watch it without snapping.
Not without a severity of smoke-breaks.

I'm afraid.
Or curious? I don't know. I mean ... I'm definitely curious. But when it comes to defending myself argumentatively ... I'm not as confident as I used to be. I mean - the way I argue, in my head, and I've also noticed it out loud, I'm like ... hyper nervous and energetically overloaded ... so, my brain is like stalling and suttering. Like, it refuses to make an effort to properly verbalize the things because ... THEY'RE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
And if you don't get it then I might as well be rambling incomprehensively. Who cares? What's the difference?


Anyway.
It took me a while to notice this - and to subsequently pry myself away from ... "it". By which I mean: the poison inside. But ... just barely consciously so. So ... I suppose I have to change subject.




Yea. So - Crystals and ... now what?

It's strange how I'm sometimes dragged into writing something - and midway find out that I can't actually write about what I thought. It's the same thing as with those solutions I wrote about earlier. So ... ... kind of disappointing this is. Maybe it's too soon. So ... whatever. I'm ... at a loss here. Again ... Hmm ... do I need to unwind?
I'm not sure. I feel more like the opposite - but also, it is true, I'm getting old. D:


Well, "see ya" when I'm high again? Eyes open!