And sleepless goes the night away

Yup yup. And just like out of nowhere: Lot's and lot's to write about again. I mean, one thought chasing the other. I'd say that I don't know where my head is right now, if it weren't so that I'm feeling like I just found it.

Hmm ... writing in html in non-monospace ... . Something feels wrong about editing text this way.

So, I was previously watching the Amazing Spiderman 2. I was kind of afraid to do so. I mean, I really liked it back when I first saw it. I thought it was Amazing. But then everybody hated it - and I guess I was worried that ... they might be right. I mean, I had this "elitist film enjoyer" type of friend. So, the type that'd basically dismiss it on the basis of being pop - though I'm certainly exaggerating to get a point accross. And so I watched the Amazing Spiderman 1 once, again, having watched several Lynch movies by that point, and there I saw it! The camera work is aweful!
And so ... it's something I just couldn't unsee ... .

The newer Spiderman movies are also quite awesome. I mean, I'd say that's Spiderman for the kids - and the other one is for the older kids. And yea. So, I started watching it and a few minutes in I was already like ... yea ... this has to be in the top 3 for me.

I mean - this time I was also on a totally different trip. Mindset wise. Sure, the whole "oh, what's the camera work? And this and that?" was still kind of there, but first and foremost I was somewhere totally else. So, I was wondering about our culture, the future, what legacy we leave behind. You know - the "what if, 1000 years in the future, they dug us out and ...". And I was wondering: Could they understand this movie - not knowing any of our language? And could they ... enjoy it? I mean, could they relate and see why people enjoy movies - or is it just: Wow, colors!?

Anyway. I got to the part after Spidey and Electro fought for the first time, saw that it was past 3 a.m. and felt tired enough to go to bed. Except ... not the kind of tired that I know will also make me fall asleep. But the kind of tired that makes me "Oh no, here we go again/still". So, I'm energized - though my head feels like it wants to mate with a wall.


And yea, I almost forgot - the main point perhaps, which is however also a bit about forgetting.
But ...
So, as I was saying - I'm officially out of weed. But as some might now, there's still ... the bonus backage. I mean - I have my topper box, my weed goes in there. I take out buds, I make them smol. So, when it's empty it's empty. But then there's still all of that dust ... and all of the green dots popping out of the ashes. So, point being - I'm technically still high.
And yea - I was amazed that the first day of downturn was basically not a day of downturn. Now, yesterday I came to stretch it a bit more. But it's also not like I'm ... able to just take some when I feel like it. And I felt like it often. And also often like I could use some more.
It made me wonder if there's like ... a highest degree of actual highness - like, how water is like ... incompressible. It seems like that - where - after that, it's really just the body.
It's a narcotic after all.

But so I've been in this weird ... Limbo. Today certainly. It's like ... I'm having a downturn but in slow motion. It was even a somewhat distinct sensation that got me take note of this. It's like ... I'm starting to see "the sober mind" as the "not sober mind" is fading into the distance. And the primary symptom are thoughts that just vanish into nothing.
At least that's how I see it.
And it's quite logical.

I mean, I've been - or still am - a hardcore pothead. Well, I guess I've changed. But being hight for like weeks or maybe even month ... hmm. I mean, to call it normal would probably be an understatement. Being not high would have been the anomaly.
And as you might know ... this is a statement that can hold true for years.
But for reasons like weed being illegal, money, environment and all that ... and later possible complications with medication ... it also came to a stop at some point; And the situation flipped. Like, once or twice a year I'd get an opportunity. And yea, because a whole lot of my focus is on the mind - I clearly noticed the effect.

As I stated before, it's kind of like ... hmm. Imagine some pipe going through the void. Or a bunch of them. And the sober mind would flow within those tubes. And being high is like it just explodes. Boundaries crack. And however bad it can be, it's also good in that ... things come together in a way that the sober mind ... ... .
Let me try this again. I was busy writing some program or was having some other thing that bothered me - and also develop a confidence in my sobriety. That it's a good thing. It's reliable and stuff. But then I'd get high and ... a lot of the things that had bothered me all of a sudden came together. And that as a somewhat consistent pattern. Which is I guess also a matter of training. I mean - high gravity esque.

So, there's an elevated fluidity of thought and also an expanded "mindscape". While being high is like floating in an endless void, being sober is like being stuck in a pea.

And so the downturn is also ... kind of stressful. Because, this floating in the void isn't come about by effort - but by consumption. And when the consumption stops, the floating comes to an end.
And I suppose that's also why, when smoking and having like a normal work-day, it's better to also smoke a little in the morning - so that the mind doesn't go into a downturn while you're supposed to be productive. And by the end of the day ... the weed has already waned off enough so that when back home ... . I mean, it's not like after work one traditionally enjoys their sobriety. So, there's a certain good that comes with ... flipping the shoes off as it were ... . And, even if the effect from the weed were less - there's also less stress to combat.
Now my situation is that I'm having hollidays - and I'm really just running out of fuel. And I can feel the thoughts slipping ... while at the same time feeling the grip of sobriety tightening around the pea that wouldn't have had any of these thoughts anyway.


And now - I'm not sure. My holliday goes one week into the new year; And I suppose ... well.
I've been rounding up some green looking thingies in my ashes - and got to wonder about ... how this has been going so far. How the code I was so proud of because I was sober has made way for what I have now. Back to the classic, but this time also without much of the issues that made my inner eye go "nooooo". And I also think that I know what the next step is. And maybe I can't sleep because I'm excited.

And after that it may be in order to play around with it sober. And then I'll see if I'm still proud of what I've done.
I mean - hmm.

Well ... anyway. Now I'm tired.