Digging a Hole

In other words: I'm just mindlessly rambling here. I guess. I mean, it would turn out like so anyway, I'm sure. Like, the headline reminded me of how I was going to explain something about Diggy Diggy Hole - and totally didn't. I started. Same thing yesterday. And for the most part I don't even notice.

Is it important? Maybe not. Maybe even the opposite. I mean - there was a time where I was very diligent and putting a lot of effort into the minutest detail that sprung to my attention. Was the outcome any good? Well - it stressed me out a lot and didn't really do much else for me. So ... not really. And at some point it came to my attention, that by being overly eager to write out each and everything, I'm somehow taking away the opportunity for conversation. And there sure is some deeper logic to that also. I mean, "translating an ideology between written word and lived experience".
One of our teachers has this thing, this method, where he comes in - has a bunch of papers - and the whole class is mostly just a) Reading or b) Copying. And when we have questions, the answer is: It's there in the text. And sure - after it got clear that we were talking past each other I think I got the answer after reading the text again; And the issue was that it wasn't entirely clear what the machine looked like and what the process is. It's like - sure, it makes sense that this thing is a defined term ... so, how deep an embossing stamp is to go into the material for ... 'transportation'. That was the mystery. We didn't understand what that depth was supposed to be for. We were thinking about the embossing process itself, as though that measure had an impact on the quality of the result. Which we didn't understand. And to him it would be one of those things that he kind of took for granted. From his gestures I'd also think that Embossing is one of his more favorite topics. But yes, it is in fact a knowledge people don't get born with.
And if you're confused: The embossing stamp is placed on a cylinder and the to be embossed stuff is passing by below. And the setup is built with production (in speed and quantity) in mind. And yea, an industrial embossing machine isn't something I've seen as common.
So - again I'm a bit confused about the process, but ... it's not important. If I ever get to use one ... there will be instructions.

But yes. Kind of ... that. So, like, you could all sit in a circle, read my word, say amen and call it a day. But why? And ... what have you learned? What was the point? So - ... I mean, I'm not sure. It's just a thing however - it made me feel a little weird and embarassed - and yea. Well. It was of course all just going on in my head. Me possibly just getting to reflect on what I had written while I had nothing to do but to have it jump around in my head. So, I did try to be more ... quip. Or whatever. Perhaps that was also a breaking point where I went on a hiatus, but overall things did quiet down a little - so, it didn't feel off - and I suppose that ultimately made me somewhat casual, ad-hoc and unhinged.


I mean, that would ultimately be "authentic" - wouldn't it? And yea, that word. Uhm. It's funny. It's a real thing, but counter-intuitively it's ... an artifice. Like, sure - 'true' authenticity would just be absolutely uncontrolled chaos. Well. Unless ... so and so.
I mean, if I write and don't mind anything, that's also authentic but possibly pointless. Perhaps it's art. Maybe not interesting art - maybe not not interesting art. So, if I care about ... books and work that into my expressions, that's authenticity. Academic Lingua, being too full of ourselves, anything can pass as authenticty - even a lie is authentic in that sense.
So - this then is the chaos that makes it then difficult for us to gauge authenticity. Because any one person can call any one act 'authentic' - while neither control nor the absence thereof can really "deal" it.
Well, that is if we narrow down on that. I mean, in that story before - the thing that bothered us was just some minute detail that somebody chose to write into a text once but has actually zero weight on the curriculum - which is where the saying: "To make a mountain out of a molehill" comes to mind. I mean - I ... . I told myself not to write about people in my life unless somehow necessary and ... justifiable. "Or whatever". Point being, I don't want to drag anyone into the spotlight for no reason. I can criticize basically everyone. For something. Expose them in some way - as, what else would we be having but negative examples?

Except when they talk. Then everyone is of course the best. Sortof. I mean, there's a few that ... what's it called ... some automaton put up to shoot pictures of speeders ... that break the limit - uhm ... but, in the first instance I think of these things as judgments. And it's not just semantics - as expressions do carry their own logic.


But so - in a way what this means is that we're always authentic, but ... of course ... that's not what we mean. We want to then say: Something that isn't fake - or: Something that sticks out from the Chaos. And that's just why, and you have to accept it eventually, Queer people are awesome! I mean, being Queer doesn't come as a choice. Though the choice to act upon the "thing" is a choice, the "thing" is very well ... there. And as we start to engage with this thing - and let it out - we're getting 'consciously authentic'.

And authentic here doesn't mean anything ... per se. It is a quality, but ... uhm ... whatever unsorted mess the thing was 'before' - it's still "just a thing that exists" in the thereafter. There's nothing "special" about it per se. About 'authenticity'. I mean - have there be instances where "the cheap knock-off" got better than the "expensive original" - while still being cheap and the other expensive? Or what is an "Authentic" Hotel if not one that's built and styled as the first ones in the region - and what's the difference?
Well - it depends. We can try to make it look good, or we can try to make it look bad.
Neither is ... inherently true ... outside of some ... well - I know of someone who would know what everyone's feelings on the matter were; And so there would in deed, possibly, be a better option. Well, in this hypothetical where we couldn't have both.


But so - what 'authentic' meant to me earlier, that I stop the pretense - starting to look at a lot of different spikes of my faith as pretenses. I mean ... yea, pretense is part of being an adult, I figured. But like, that I would have to write at all, that I had a mission, a lot of things. Whatever made me do what I did, though the issue wasn't 'what' I did but 'how' I did it. And part of the issue was how I got into it. So, not that I was wrong or anything, but ... I suppose I had to get myself straightened out first. Like - yea, duh.

To then ultimately boil it down as: In as far as I don't know what I'm doing, I shouldn't act as though I did. And while both are true, the bigger one has to win out for the smaller one to have a place to fit into. So, I become more artificial to be more authentic in the sense that what I give you is as raw as I'm capable of.

So, in the sense discussed earlier: Since I don't know what to filter out why - where "quippiness" isn't really a very concrete set of instructions - hmm. Yea, I started to feel like discussing things that I didn't really care about were ... strange. It felt like selling out, burrying my talents, becomming a hollow shell, a puppet perhaps, a tool of the dreadworld, an NPC. So, authenticity is to say: My appearance is in sync with my self.


And then, it is this authenticity that involves some level of care and consciousness within which God can build Himself, well, whatever. It's in the way of saying that "God can act through us" - though the expectation here isn't to have God act as Himself through us, but that He can ... act ... .
And it is in this authenticity that the care and consciousness that go in are mindful of something specific - rather than just "whatever". But that's a ninedom thing eventually.


And a Hole Digging thing is Booze ... which I now need some more of.
(This has been a Metaphor)