Thoughts about Clarity (!!!)
"Previously" - oh well.The thing is - as said - I need to be careful, I think - and part of that, I know, entails not knowing what about. I mean, it's one thing if you do know. But it's different if you don't.
So - I've let it sit - as it were ... . And one issue on my mind right now is this: The picture of a blowjob hits me different than the picture of someone getting deepthroated. And the thing is, that when it comes to arousal, 'good' and 'bad' aren't really useful words. I merely know them as "strong" and "weak" in various flavors.
And so I in part don't know what I am to react to. I mean - stage one would simply be: "What arouses me" - given that arousal was one core aspect to my Clarity. Where - I'm not sure how to sort that in still.
Originally I had something similar going on, but it's pretty standard stuff. "Describe yoursef" - as in: What are your talents? What are you doing? So I was looking at "Scribe" and ... some way to phrase out my game-development/software-engineering. They're not the same. Though they could stack on top of each other and each come with branching diversification.
I just recently stumbled over the graphic I made for that. Can I still find it? Ah
I don't like it.
I mean, now I could add Book-Binding, hand-craft and industrial - and it doesn't make any sense. I mean, what is it supposed to say? At that point it says: I found something to do that I enjoy enough to rub it in your face - or something like that.
It would imply - and it's kind of the same for Clarity - that you need to have a purpose. Or something. A calling. And you need to identify with the work you're doing.
And while sure plenty of argument I'm in support of could be made for this, I still don't like it. Well. The way I got back around to it however was to make sure to set this apart in terms of how it matters. So - at least to me, say: This Sign and Clarity, each represent a thing that we haven't found common terms for yet, there's the important self and identity part, so, the core part - and then there's something on top. Like a hat.
But not everyone likes to wear a hat. So to say.
And sure. There's also arguments here to further sustain - but, those fall on deaf ears. But I suppose that everyone has some Clarity. And as I think about it like this, yea - the picture is ... that what I mean by "Whore" is less about it being a 'profession' but more about it being a Form. Like a square.
So, from going through my stuff you may find, that my focus is very little on the "whoring out" or "selling my body" part of the issue - and very much on the "relationships and internal tensions" part of the deal.
And I would further argue that a lot of what seems like "Sexuality" in here, also actually isn't. Like, I have a hunch that if we had a complete idea of what "default Sexuality" is, I would find it as something separate within the whole.
I'm just like ... if I had to hazard a guess here ... if Sexuality were a thing, a form, a lot of me is like it. Like ... stripes.
So, apart from Whore, "Falling Star Beast" could be a Clarity - so, to give an idea of what I mean. And maybe some sense of a profession can emerge from that. So, from who or what we are, there are eventually the first instances of work or a profession that just ... are what they are.
Not sure what a "Falling Star Beast" would do, but I'm sure there's a lot of nuance to the Character that will eventually reveal something.
But I guess that's also why I don't like to be "Pankaked" as "Though art a Whore and thou must Copulate" - I mean, I'll get to that pretty much on my own. And that's not to say ... uhm ... but yea, about that ...
Something that just previously popped into my head was, that it is because arousal is this thing that it is, that the things we do or commit to while in that state don't matter to us as much anymore when we're sober again.
I mean - when it comes to that, I know things from "slight arousal" to "lid blown off, brain unable to do brain things". "BUT do brain things".
And I merely do register them as strong and weak and ... I think the issue is that ... from all I can muster about myself and in light of this framing ... the statement that I'm built to be a whore. It isn't necessarily accurate, but it might be given that sexuality itself is an artifice that, as the next best thing for me, is something I yet have (had) to align to. And there then is what it took for me to get there, versus what it would take for me to get somewhere else. I mean - looking back, I suppose most of my lives were about ... getting me somewhere else. While now I can think of Royalty in ways that reflect what the term would entail, initially it was merely thought of as a principle for my ego to not succumb to the stresses of my blob-ness. And so I do things. Like - to keep myself busy. And perhaps that's the way. It certainly is a part of it.
But so the image stands. There's a way of putting it that isn't entirely accurate, that further entails an implication. So, to be "built for this" as an inaccuracy projects a desire. And it makes sense for me to project my desires towards something that I at my core find ... "attainable".
And this framing I think can showcase pretty well just how the problems come together for me when it comes to making heads and tails of this. The thing is that I am something - or "made to be something" - without anything round about to support it. So, my mind has to invent stressors to induce tensions that then maintain a comfortable balance within me. Sort of. Comfortable ... well.
I'm getting there I assume.
So - the thing then is that what images then exist, just out of logical necessity, to picture this, is like, disproportionate to the amount of human effort actually involved. I mean - there would still be effort in what the mind has internalized throughout its lifetime, but ... uhm, what am I getting at?
Oh yes, things like "seriousness". I think it's safe to say that Kink alone cannot give that. Like - I'm ... "subjected" to all those rules that "turn me into a whore" - to the point where I can feel that it is true - and ultimately that's then good enough for all I care or anyone should care I assume. At least to begin with. But ... uhm. OK, what confuses me here is actually funny. The confusion being that what I thought was a bad thing turned out to actually be a good thing. I mean - the issue is that it so doesn't take a lot to "maintain" me. So, while someone opposite to me couldn't be broken into being like me ... in a million years ... I'm basically like ... already there.
But so what would or SHOULD feel like ... bonds of slavery and all that ... I mean, a lot of it is ... hmm. Not sure what I'm onto. The thing is, that some of it would ultimately be needed for that final little bit extra - implying that that's where we want to go.
Which is however ... .
Well. A different story ...
//a few hours later//
In other words: What my Clarity is - viewed as: What I aspire to be - cannot be measured in terms of what the world thinks of it, as I measure the world in how well it suits me, of course.
And so there is what I am how "the world" ultimately reflects in it. And I suppose that artwork and play suits me in a way because there's a pleasure involved that I can relate with. Fantasy and other work of a mind adrift is also just around the corner. It's all fine and dandy, but it leaves one thing missing. I suppose one might think it's getting starved out - but that's not what it feels like.
Yet so, what to me starts out as a playful act of expression is on the other side mirrored by things that ... uhm. Well.
I mean, ... puh. Where to start? I mean, illegal is a word that comes to mind and at the very bottom of it I suppose there's the weight of Status Quo behind the maintainance of a criminal underbelly which is part of keeping people under control. I mean, having some rule of law or some enforced maintainance regarding ... what's the word? To keep the public clean. To not have defiance rubbed in our faces. The whole backdrop of homophobia, misogyny, etc.. It's good - I would say - to an extent. Say, to not have prostitutes whore themselves out to the daddies in front of a Kindergarten. But the extent to which it is then criminalized wholesale is just too much.
Simply put.
And so again - what is and isn't legal ... ties back into status and who can afford a certain good; That would be a lot easier to obtain - and cheaper - if it weren't illegal. I mean, once it's illegal it's also not really obtainable by the normal person. So ... it's not really a thing - and to say that some 'things' have to be illegal is like ... "sure, OK" ... but also only halfway there.
Hmm ...