Me against the World - part 1

But yea. "Everything sucks now". Should I stop saying that? Well - more and more however, it all just sucks ass. I mean - I hate to watch YouTube for a variety of reasons. But then again, there's a concept in there that I pretty much ... want to support. Which is probably why there's Patreon - but, this can't be it. Right? And towards a ... solution of some sort ... well ... it seems we either do it ourselves or we're not going to like the results.

I mean, the whole Economy is fucked and a big part of it is what the Internet is nowadays. I mean, starting with the Clickbait ... and the DLC ... Capitalism had found a way to take root within the internet. Sure, the ability to buy stuff on the internet ... would be the actual start - but technically that's more of an inevitability.

Like, being European starts to feel like for "ages" our Politicians had to shield us from the dumb shit from accross the Pond. But ... whatever. And when we look where all the money is concentrated, uh ... I mean. Just some thoughts that struck my mind.


And yea, thinking back - thinking of how deeply I dwelled in the things that now make me sick - it kind of doesn't feel like I'm 'against the world' - sometimes.


I start to feel like I'm suffocating - as here and there tiny breezes of air remind me of ... what could be.

And it's all so dumb. Oh my god is it dumb.


And yea. It feels like the world has gone crazy ... and those of us who haven't lost it yet ... uhm ... well. Is anyone out there?


OK, we may have to - uh - lower the bar somewhat, or raise it ... maybe - to get somewhere ... anyone?


Hello?






[throws wrench into a dark pit ... waiting for a sound]


Anyway. Darkness.
So, there's this open request of sorts - that I be mean to God or something along those lines. I also happen to have something lined up. Or happened. We had another fight - I suppose that's what you'd call it - and I was planning on throwing it all out the next day, the whole list of insults and dirty accusations I could find as clearly that's what He wanted. And what could He say in response? Anyway - by the next day He had bamboozled me enough that I was an all on board good girl again.

And somehow that's what I wanted. Or deep inside? I mean, clearly He tried to tease me and such. So, wait for me to have negative thoughts and then come in with provocative questions that aim right at my sensitivities irking me to give answers I wouldn't have thought of as I'd regard them non-issues. Like, is God a Fascist? OK, by what definition? Well - aligned with MAGA. So, I'm not even thinking about it. But if He or "He" is like "but what if I am" and then keeps on feeding into the impression - well, what am I to do?
And yea, He "left me with" the impression that He enjoys it when I'm fierce enough to oppose Him. It's just that it doesn't really come up all that much. Maybe the thing is that I'm better than Him.


I mean, sure. When He starts the fight, that's already the ... line right there. I mean, what am I to make of it? Like ... what have I done or where did I go wrong? I ... couldn't tell. I mean, if there were some grand mistake that He could wave in front of my face then that'd be that. But if all the things that usually get me worried now remind me of the hands He had in those things, they don't really work anymore.

And what's it even supposed to mean? Like - what would ... the story be? Like ... what's ... the lesson to be learned? What's ... the deal? Is it to bend the knee and that's it? Well, then why all the fuzz? If it's just "#dealwithit" anyway?!

Oh ... oh. OK. So, I'm getting emotional - and so .... OK. Same story. To give more people a chance to do so willingly. OK. I mean, I concurr, just ... the ways in which and the so and so forth - that's its own thing.

Uhm. Wait. What? Uh. So yea, "bend to what?".


Am I to listen to stories of how feminism is evil because it for no reason preaches a separation from men under the guise of some surmised freedom or dignity?
Have I no right to even ask questions - and be given an honorable answer?

Oh yes. Adam and Eve. Are you Adam? Are you Eve? If neither of those is the case, then theirs isn't that of you!


And again - how am I to infer my subjugation from the New Testament, when Jesus introduced himself to us as a friend? Or to turn it back into the scene - well ... blind spot.


But OK. Ultimately there is this sore spot which emerges from this general absence of any of the things I hope for. I think I see flashes of light here and there - but, ... . Well. What else is new? So - I don't know what to hope for - or what to expect or desire or work towards. If I'm not already doing it, what am I to do? If nothing ever comes of anything ... . Is it now my fault? Should I ... give it a clean reboot? And why? What's the rationale? I can't just ... bgooosh ... it all away. Or can I?

...


Hmm. OK. Actually. ACTUALLY. I kindof DO want to have a word with HIM - like, what even is my life? Am I the unwanted child that was too woke for HIM to have any dealings with? Are we therefore enemies while I presumed we were friends?

And yea. That mingles with the attitude of disbelief I just have in general regarding any and all things round about this whole thing that don't exclusively concern me. So, maybe I am hallucinating, haha - well - so, here's my exit but for shits and giggles or more so ... a general baseline attitude I have - it doesn't matter. There is nothing to hope for - as I couldn't believe it one way or another. I don't believe in Magical Thinking - and I realize that I have to make things happen myself. And there's the problem.

But yea. Then I can look at what I have and ... be disappointed. Sure thing. It is what it is. What am I to do?
Yes yes, it's all my fault - I didn't do anything right ever and all I ever did was cause trouble and now I expect a medal for it. Sure thing. It's not like I never asked for directions or never cared to know what I was doing so. But cool.

And what's up with all that ... you know ... what we do in the shadows? Is that all ... just me being bad and evil again? But yea - if it were a Demon ... I'd kind of want to ask for their number.
Never mind. They here.
Hmm ...

Or am I?


XD.
Well. I mean, I have to be honest. And while the thing is just sexual - no nothing else implied - what's the issue? And ultimately - how am I to know the answers? If I'm wrong - I'm wrong. Cool shit, but ... well ... how would I determine that? And while I can't ... am I just to assume that the whole hoo ha nonsense was just ... that? Nonsense? So yea, if I'm the deviant, that should come out somehow. But yea - let me just ... roll a dice I guess ???


Good question raised?
Yea - how to determine ... what?
I mean ...