Let the Spirit Flow!

Social strength is in connections. And somehow that's what I now find at the heart of another issue that has been plaguing me for so long. Gender issues. I've been prepared to write about this again, because, whenever I get misgendered - be it intentional or not - something is stirring within me. Initially it meant that a bubble popped that I wasn't prepared to pop and so it hurt a lot more. Or stung a lot deeper. The sensitivity is still there - and outside of explaining myself - based on my past and my decisions - I didn't know much else to tell.

And so now I'm ... one year past an exam I should have had ... and worried about my health. So, how's that? This means, my recent surgery is now one and a half years behind me - so, uh, well. I have a hard time keeping track of things. Hmm ... four years?

And what's my verdict? Still the same? Did it evolve? Which way did it grow?


So yea. The Bubble pops and I realize that somehow I don't pass enough. Someone has seen something, or perhaps knows something, and they insist on not letting it pass. In some cases it's more and in other cases it's less obvious - and that's just how it is. I mean - I can't change the way my hair grows. I can't change the way my vocal chords have developed. I can change how I interact with them or maybe someone else can do something - and so far along that journey I had to set myself apart with what it means to be authentic. Primarily when it comes to my voice. A part of my development was to understand that I myself am more multi-facetted than I would think. Like, some things only come to light once you shed light on them. So, starting from "dead-pan, monotone, emotionless" - there was in-deed more that could be authentic. But here I find it difficult to get the swing of life into my broody state of equilibrium.
But then, so, how I feel about myself is one thing. And the bubble popping, well - that's a reminder of that. And somehow that story eventually takes me to "the Mace of Barbatos" or "Barbatos' Mace" - as in Gundam Barbatos. Because: It occurred to me: Yes you may have questions about it and yes I want to answer them. And the Mace would for once be to represent "a Thing" - like, the things that are here to be said. To picture it as a complete and finite whole. Taking a closer look we can learn of the Mace's mechanisms and components. Which also means that eventually we disassemble it to see what the different aspects of this thing are.
After that, I would love it if we could accept it for what it is - as so based on the plea of someone who is affected by this condition.

If we however want to turn to hog-washy answers, how about this: In spiritual communion with my close relations I was at first experiencing the cultural inclinations of this unity through my masculine biology. Because that's where the sexual stimuli would arrive - for once - where the next step is the cognitive alignment to the corresponding feedback. Well, it's complicated, I'd argue, but ultimately I couldn't identify with it. With being female on the other hand I could very much identify with, and so I turned out to be a female.

How that now translates to the outside is a different story. From scary exaggerations, half-truths and lies to simple biological struggles ... I don't know how much of it I could even consider at any one point in time.
For me, what stresses me out is that I'm not sure how comfortable I can feel about the support around me. And that comfort is important as there's a trust involved that would get me out of my shell, sotospeak. And the vibe I'm getting from how I'm being misgendered is, that there's something ... that's difficult to unsee. And all in all it might appear to be ridiculous to refer to me as a woman at all.

Then I tend to look at myself - and ... I see it, and then try to unsee it and not let it phase me. Sure it might take me into some alternate dimension that is dominated by my own headspace when I'm not in a "safe space" - but how else would I cope with it?


I mean, being worried that I might not pass - that I'd be looking ridiculous - that's what kept me from going down this path. Or, it's one of the things that were on the list of reasons of why it's stupid.
On the other hand is a thing that's always been there, burried and hidden - and once had a chance to come out.

So ... whether or not I look ridiculous doing what I'm doing ... under whatever pretense of a mask or filter or whatever - or whatever you wanna look at me with, that's ... not really an issue for me, personally, all that much anymore. Which doesn't say that things don't phase me. But I suppose I have a strong ally.

But that's also kind of ... well, part of yet another story that's been going on. Well, along the same lines as this topic. I can be myself because for once I have that deeply rooted experience of who I am; And I presume that I'm allowed to carry it with dignity.
Which means - my Gender, my Rules - in as far as God allows it and oh dear baby boys and girls and ... twixes ... does He carry far!


You might be angry because by this or that measure of your own I'm unworthy. Even worse, ultimately I too am only human. Oh no! But the ability to preconceive personal failure is for once integral - as I understand it - to a sane basis of interaction with the world around us.

I don't know. But here, where I don't need to care for social support - I can be free. Sort of. I mean, for all I care, here's different because this is my safe space. Ultimately. Sort of. I mean, you know - I guess. Whatever this is.


So, to me there's also something to be noted about how certain things sound when people say it. Like, reading about Chemtrails and hearing people present their case with unshakable confidence is one thing, but hearing people talk about them as "out in the wild" - I think there's like three types: 1: The Skeptic. "I hear they're spraying Chemtrails" 2: The Delusional. "Gosh dolly, they're spraying Chemtrails!" 3: The Trickster: "I know a guy who showed me where they store the canisters!".

And something about how they carry themselves breaks sometimes. It starts to sound weird. Know what I mean? I'm under the impression that there's like a certain "frequency" of sorts where Bullshit kind of becomes visible. In terms of vibes. And creating those vibes, or the atmosphere - that would on the other hand however appear akin to manipulation. Terms that we may first have to conceptualize to our gut feeling ... in a way that works. Maybe. ... Does this even make sense?

I guess it's when they have to exlain themselves and they come too close to having to provide facts for comfort. I mean, they'll throw around with facts and figures alright, but often they just don't mean anything in the greater context of where they appear in. And warping things out of proportion is a well established specialty of "theirs". Are Pedos now cool with them somehow, or is it - yet again - just "some" of them but a good answer as to what makes the difference isn't anywhere to be found.

Or is that unfair? I mean, I get the argument that when you're accusing someone rich of something - there's a lot more at stake. So, fame also has to be considered. Any amount of surplus attention increases the odds for crazy to appear. And whoever is pulling which strings, I'm currently leaning towards Elon, doesn't matter because the whole lot as a bunch only goes so far.

And yea - whatever it is ... if we can tip the balance, we got ourselves a big sack with a lot of balls in there I presume. In terms of having someone by the ballsack.


But sure. We do need some way to cut through the beaurocratic bullshit and get the things done that need to get done. However, before that can be done, we need to have enough collective will to do it. So, some might try to acquire such power by force, others by manipulation - but ultimately those are merely drops, I would think, compared to the true potential that we carry. Like, speaking of AI Data Centers. We didn't have a discussion about it, we only heard a lot of voices saying pretty much the same thing - which was all being ignored, and now we're kind of stuck having them while those too lazy to have a part in the process now get lost in illusions at the cost of our planet.
They tell us that it's good - that we're luddites if we turn our back - that it's "just a tool" except it's used to replace any human component of a system that's already running in high gears there to draw in our attention. No?

So - what are we talking about? Is it shadow farming electricity for the bots for the dead internet? After all, the tech to host AI "off grid" is already there, isn't it? So, still. Having an entire data center just for the smoke screen and then one for the "real stuff" - or just make it so big that it could be anything? - well, yea. That's one thing - and who pays the price? I mean, there's the people who have to suffer those buildings being put up like out of nowhere - but there's also: Where's the fucking money even coming from?

Texas?
Yea ... what a piece of shit county.

And for what?
Well, the answer is ... lost somewhere.
It reminds me of what's wrong with the position of Israel. We are to be OK with them doing what they're doing - because they say so. That's ... like, what it is. No questions asked.

Somehow things are decided, what we want or think about it doesn't matter. Can you find yourself in that group?
Some may view things more broadly, others more pointed down. Well. And in the end, there's still just that what's being done - and no reasonable explanation for any of it.
Or well, "depending on what one might deem reasonable".

And sure. This is one instance where the hammer came down - and we may wonder: What could we possibly do against it? Where is it even coming from? What's it all about?


I'm not sure if I should dare try and assume any answers. Or figure them out.
Beware! For a new tune is being carried by the winds!