Desires of Vanity | SNAA Titan Greatsword Tristan - part 2

Oh my heart aches. Failure ... it's so unbearable. Shame, would it manifest, should fall from as water from the sky during a thunderstorm. I don't know why - but in the webbings of ... let's call it "the world" ... these surges exist - and I feel terribly lost.

Buyers remorse? Need I look at what I got and pretend it isn't useless?
Pointless?
As whatever desire ... oh that ... that's a topic.


There is that ... chase. That chase for vanity. I've indulged in it too. I'm driven by it still. Or however, whatever ...

It starts easy. Customization options. A little here, a little there - and woops. I would speak of self-expression. But with the emergence of MMORPGs something changed I believe. And sure - there is fun stuff like custom commentator packs - and then there's cosmetic stuff. Or every little piece that would overall add to the expression.

And there, deep within, is something ... that's ultimately empty. I see it there, sometimes off in the distance, sometimes deep within me. And the meaning of it all may very well be: Who cares? While the vanities of the world might be fleeting, the digital ones are even more so.
Ultimately, it would seem, worldly structures have thusly infested the gaming world and have since continued to expand their influence within.

The issue I'd say is how self-expression has somehow become the focus or point of it all. And that would be helped by how all is catered towards it. That's where the money is. Vanity. Self-Expression. A need, perhaps to express status or support or belonging.
And since you pay for it, you expect something from it. The world becomes a stage and everyone else is the audience. And it is nearly unavoidable to be somehow strung up into this one way or another. From spending a few moments customizing to doing the grind just for the looks - there isn't much wrong with it. But here and there things ... become weird.

Maybe I'm looking for something, find it, but the thing I find only marginally ... really covers the thing. So I'll be looking somewhere else for a different part of the whole. And it's not there as the world doesn't care for it. Or something like that.


Or it's that I know where to find it, but the thing has lost meaning or interest. Like, hopping onto Minecraft and building out my forever world is as close as it gets, but ... it doesn't feel like ... habitable.
And thus I'm working on something that's intrinsically Universal to some extent.
Whatever that means. I have an idea that isn't quite what it sounds like but different. Whatever. Right now I can't really commit to it anyway. I'm certainly toying with the idea again however.


Hmm ...

But what will it be?
It's like ... there's something heavy.
Sure I guess. The money - the "stuff", whatever it is, that people pay for. The perceived value or value of perception perhaps. And then: Status. You can then call it jealousy - perhaps. Or a situation of having been robbed of something.

I mean - perhaps it's something "sneaky" about all the "cool stuff" that only the "grown kids" do. And oh my. I was just previously about to commemorate on my expressed opinion that adulthood is a scam.

This might just be the way it begins.

In the background however the story, I assume, will be that it'll cost you. The game that grown ups play being that ... they're ripping you off. You'll chase more money to buy even more expensive things, while the bottom line should or would be more misery for everyone involved. It starts with the misery you're willing to inflict on others, and ends with you being on the receiving end of someone else's ire.

Or - so the stories go.

When yes - IRL the bad guys won. Could it be so? Looking at the movies perhaps. Back in the day we heard the stories of evil CEOs taking over big corporations and heroes coming in to save the day. Well ...

It is at the very least usually implied that there's "how things usually are" versus how things go in the movie. The movie will say: "This is real [person]! This isn't a movie!" ... proceeds to jump off a building or out of a driving car or does some other crazy shit.

And isn't that also a core fantasy? The dream for when the fantastical becomes real?

But so, to swoop back, what is ego in all this? To ego it doesn't care whether the world around it is real or not. I mean - ego in the conceptual sense, so, personality or what we may call it should perhaps be taken out of the equation at first. What I mean is that I can react to the illusion as I can to the truth. Which one affects me more depends on how deep the respective rabbit hole goes. Reality sure has its own weight and gravitas - but that is ultimately relative to whatever goes on in the fantasy.

A safe bet would be to put the fantasy as a distant goal and to try and distill its wisdoms, beliefs, values, concepts and such ... something to be inspired by - something to think about and build towards. Facts will have to determine how different ideas work out; And we have to learn those facts and ... so on. The idea I follow there being: To not let dreams get in the way of what is at hands.
And maybe that's easier said than done or hypocritical - but ultimately, I don't expect anyone to follow or heed. Well, nobody is required to do so anyway ... . I'm just thinking out loud.

Anyway. To move on, we do have to care. This is a doing; And in doing, we find the ego that is within that. And in that we can then add to our ego - in that it becomes distinct from the open sea of possibilities. Further, it adds outlines to the potentials and thus establishes a new baseline for things to flourish forth from.


So, what is and isn't is relative to that which is becoming. "That which is becoming" is here that which is "active" ... I guess. Here the potentials take effect - and they somehow nourish and feed off of another. Whatever.
While there is a macroscopic side to this, I'm trying to speak of what would then be the microscopic one - or more to the point: The individual one. So yes, something something consequences and all that, responsibilities here, duties there; But also what some would call 'self-actualization'.

But uhm, what am I rambling about?


Oh, vanity.
I guess.

Hmm ...