And so'n'so

I think, or ... you can be sure, that part of my negative attitude - where it comes through - is that I'm anticipating anything I do or tell to be somehow flipped against me. That certainly isn't a 'Real Life' issue for me - though I suppose it could have happened "backstage", so I wouldn't notice it.

The current situation is a very good example of how ... dense this problem is to me. So I wrote that I'd be taking a break from this - though in different words and so how it got back at me was that I'd be doing it out of spite and would come back with anger and a vengeance. Then I tried to clarify - and what got back at me for the day was that I'd be pressuring you into doing something. So I'd be trying to address that ... just for tomorrow to be like ... whatever. That I'm not serious or ... secretly mad at you or whatever. I suppose ... anything that might make me look petty.

I might however also try to ... actually ... do pressure you. Though the truth is more like ... somewhere in-between. But yea, only if you care about what I want ... it would matter somehow. And ... you don't have to ... care about what I want. It's OK! It's ... basically normal. Right?! To ... not care about what other people want. Give or take. But yea, whenever you do ... it's something special. Or you're just brainwashed, but ... well. I suppose that's somewhat special too.


And yea, this whole ... getting things flipped against me is just another way to address the whole "questionaire" thing. Because, well ... "duh" I guess. Maybe we may wonder why it's a "duh" ... and stuff ... but ... not today.

And yea, already - I recon this whole topic might be really pointless. Which may also be one way this might be coming back at me. And yea, technically that's ... none of your concern. Really ... except maybe a little. Or a little bit more. Whichever it is ... it's also something you may or may not want to realize.


Now - maybe I don't have to be like ... explicitly taking a break. But maybe I do.

Which again ... is technically nobodies business - except there's so much "why not just" and stuff ... it'd probably look bad anyway. Like if I didn't take an explicit break ... since I'd just be aping out on here for all I care.

It's silly, because the truth is ... that it'd be something made up in response. So ... other than anticipating that it's coming - with maybe ... what's been the longest? ... like a two week delay? ... there's not much I can do.


Now, technically ... maybe ... probably ... I shouldn't tie this to anything along the lines of ... something happening. But naturally I want something to happen - and ... at some point it is definitely something to get sorted out.

A lot of what I've been discussing recently, as you may have gathered, is a bit of a ... nuisance to me. I don't like the topic - I tried to ignore it - and that has generally worked out for me just fine. If all else fails - I understand that things take time to develop and evolve - and once they did properly do so - I may or may not have to give it a nudge. Or not. Well.

And with it ... there are things just burried in me. For better or worse. So are there things I might want to write about - but don't get to as I subconsciously repress those issues because they're uncomfortable. I mean, the mind is a thing ... that does at time do it's own thing. For better or worse.

But anyhow ... what am I on about here?


Well - actually I can't be on about something. I might be. There are a few things I think I could be sharing - but ... that's also something I want to curb back on. I figure ... something more serious would be to just ...


nicole.sonnberger@web.de
(+49)176 72639164

Anything else I just don't want to take serious anymore. Generally I want to withdraw from this entirely. Sure, maybe changing things up a little or whatever ... but ... uhm. Oh yea, I think - for first contact - it might help to think of me as a mentally challenged person. Biases and stuff.

Though on the other hand - I think one important thing that remains is ... about trust. I do think that people need to learn how to trust me. The emphasis being more on the "how" than on the "trust". I mean, it's fair and all to be skeptical and stuff - but, from my own perspective ... I am under the impression that I should feel insulted over how ... lowly some people seem to think of me. And that is probably more true, the more you're actually in a ... we might say: controlling position. Sure is there caution on one side - but then also maybe an unhealthy relationship with the concept of relationships with people just in general.

I mean, yea - that's been going through my mind. How ... this whole "questionaire" thing takes me more and more towards micromanaging your expectations ... where at the end I just have to say taht I'm a real person ... at which point I had to wonder ... what that might mean to you. Worrying ... somehow. And I'm under the impression that some people out there would rather seek out every backstage opportunity to learn something about me - but actually trying to get to know me. A situation that further only perpetuates a ... very cold, indirect and unhealthy relationship with the concept of real life.
Hmm ... maybe that's why a lot of what I tried to share could't really land. But yea - I'm just guessing here. Which ... you know ... "Hadoken".

It would be cool if everyone could just send me a quick "Hi" so I could ... gather a bit of an understanding and stuff. But well ... I guess ...

that's that!