Stunlocked

... or how to call it ...


I feel like I'm sucked into something, I don't want to because I feel like ... life is getting leeched out of me, and yet I'm somehow compelled to engage, although it might only make things worse. And every time I got to an end - just to then have to basically iterate on it - I'm scared to loose myself in something.

I however get to convince myself by arguing to myself that I don't have a reason to be scared - because I have nothing to hide and it might be helpful to shed light on things I wouldn't normally come around to shedding light on ... things like that.
And if my narrative isn't really of importance thereby, I might at least touch on the one or the other subject that's worth talking about.


The main issue however seems to be, that there are parts of this ... nonsense ... that I don't want to be ... a topic. It's like turning a mole-hill into a mountain. I mean, I know for instance, that sometimes I'm a bit pedantic. Like, I might hesitate to call my place my home because I don't really feel at home. Or might hesitate to call my computer a computer, because it's a Laptop. I might also hesitate to say that I've applied in writing, because in one instance I also made a phone call. The reasoning behind these hesitations would however be far outside of what anyone would legitimately care about - and is most likely understood in the context of what a person would legitimately be concerned about - which then leads to a back and forth that was entirely unnecessary.
That is part of my ... I guess we could call it "satellite reasoning". By that I mean, that there are all these things I'm concerned about - as per my own interests and curiosities - and that works fine for me, but in exchange with others that isn't really of any use.

And beyond that - I always felt like writing over some of these things was like throwing a tantrum. And sure - part of "the topic", at its core, is about my problems with certain things ... we might say: Aspects of reality - that were entirely not running in my favor. So that would have been the issue. Of how ... I have my points ... and yet reality is against me - at least certain aspects of it - and were my points legit, that wouldn't be so - though naturally I'd think that that line of reasoning is bullshit - and so I'd feel like I'd be talking to a wall.


So was I quite frequently upset about what I thought to be expectations placed upon me. Part of it concerns the issue, that ... I have no point to being upset about that because IRL I don't know of any of those expectations. All that so was just of what went on in my head. And in that regard things didn't change much - except, well, that in my head ... things are now going a lot better for me.

The Matrix Phenomenon certainly helped. So yea, most of these issues are like from ... like 10+ years ago. Plus minus 1. But that takes me to the next version of this "dispute". That being, that the Matrix Phenomenon, as per my claim, has been a thing for 9 years now. Well, 5 when going by when I started to effectively spam it.

I tried to do outreach - but what bummed me out that I got replies from ... Captain Disillusion and Undoomed that they didn't see any videos on my site. And it took me a while to process that. Probably too long. Where, my best - good faith - guess would be, that ... it has been region locked. Round about the same time Thunderf00t started to include Matrix videos in his takes - and ... that was ... like ... good enough for me at the time.

I mean, I really hate to impose. And then was maybe also a bit uncomfortable to ... leave my comfort zone.
And yet, the more things went on that way, the better I started to feel. And yea, that co-incides with me having a therapist and some light medication against psychosis' and depression. Though I think for the most part there was a certain placebo effect to being in mental health care.


Things kept getting better; In my head; So that on and off I had to wonder for how long things could get better - before it would start to stink. Because ... I mean. Prior to all that I got around to convincing myself that there's more to my Clarivoyant impressions than just ... being delusional. I smelled what would happen to Star Wars years before it manifested - and things like that. So, these ... shadowy impressions of various machinations ... eventually turned out to be legit. So, technically I should trust it. And while I don't - really - I think I trust them enough to ... play along.
But yea, I also do have reasons to 'not' trust them. It's either that people play a hoax on me - deceiving me - actively - giving me the impression that "there is nothing to see here" - or ... there really isn't something to see there.
I mean, some things just didn't play out the way they should - and yet my impressions keep on going as though that had nothing to say ... . And ... I mean ... I'd say that I have a vivid fantasy - and I keep on wondering about how things might take a twist or turn in my favor. So, while being in the GAF (German Armored Forces, to not call it an Army) - there was this moment at the end where I had to wait for hours in front of a door and when I came back to my stuff I found it searched. And it is basically since then, that I can't get rid of this idea, that the GAF or something adjacent has a very close eye on me. I also find it weird that I get hits from China and Israel on my site.
It's probably just crawlers.
Probably.


Then there is this growing divide - or political polarization. Explained as based on my impression - that would relate to the initial set of grievances over "reality", as presented by the villains to people who ... either find certain offerings more attractive than Salvation or are only seeing the wrong parts of the story.

So, in my head-canon, there first is J.Lo - who played a hard act to swipe me off the table, but in doing so made me a thing - but because things looked bad for me - not a very appealing one. Further is there a "they" - so, my evil counterpart, who would try to inject themselves everywhere where I might or did do outreach to - and I believe at times I really felt the moment when they got to them. Similarly I also gave up on going places, because I figured that I couldn't get from A to B fast enough ... though at some point that wasn't even a concern anymore. I mean, various dreams that stuck would suggest to me that I first had to "finish my work" before I could move on. And a very particular dream also foreshadowed the two books I've "completed" so far.

But so's the thing. Eventually I didn't really ... think of it as much anymore, as ... they were pretty much everywhere. All entertainment, mostly, to some extent by their leash - and while that isn't the woke stuff per se - I'd blame them for the kind of woke that people are upset over.

But yea, for the most part I'd just handwave it away - and on and off be like: Oh, seems like they got to Square Enix now. The time where I cared about these things is long in the past. I figure they got to Capcom before I even thought of it - then hung out on Capcom Forums for whatever reason - and am under the impression that that's been one of the first Camps that I could 'redeem' as it were.

Maybe my problem these days is that their story is really fractured right now. Barely cohesive. Trend ongoing.


And so I figure ... at some point this development has to arrive at me. Otherwise giving me pause to rethink my life's choices.

So, it's ... like ... good either way.


Hmm ... :/ ... so. Yea, this constitutes a stunlock - though, I didn't really mean to write about that. It is as it is though, and ... hmm .... could I be ... off the hook?

I mean ... I'm so used to there being these "hooks" - some snarky nonsense that I better respond to lest I'd just want to leave it at that - but right now I really just don't know what I'm doing here anymore.


And ... I'm running out of time anyway. Maybe I'll continue this later ... [shrugs]