Bathing in the Darkness

So, uhm - as far as my own realtime experience is concerned - there is this part of me that doesn't come to matter all that much. It exists as an abstract that somehow translates into my ego - but even that can happen by abstracts. And to be fair, that ego doesn't even come to matter much. At least not in a social sense.

If I wouldn't know of it - I wouldn't know why I'm unhappy, or in order to find happiness do stupid things. That might lead to a lot of problems, one way or another, with the only good advise being, to look for things that can make me happy - that ... aren't stupid.
Since I know why I'm unhappy - and that doing stupid things won't change that by much (but most likely for the worse) - I understand that the things that can make me less miserable aren't really THE solution, but just as good as it gets for now.

Or is it so?
I mean, for once - delving in Clarity ... I figure that a lot of it has led to the establishment of cognitive pathways; And those do in part safeguard me against stupidity and on the other ... help me to yet maintain an understanding of myself.
Which probably ... is complicated.
It does make more sense when thinking that these cognitive alignments either produce or channel "spiritual energy" (like, feelings) - and thereby stimulate aspects of myself that my current way of life would otherwise bury.

And in a sense those are horses - or so, expressions of the workings of my mind. To say that this isn't putting the cart before the horses; Although it might seem that way, if so considering that the big question might be: Is it important to live by my Clarity? Or what good is there to it? Do I need it to be happy?


It is something that I think both, queer (non straight and/or non cis) and non-queer people should be able to understand - by imagining themselves into the respective opposite. And yea, if being trans is a fetish, then being cis is also a fetish. But outside of those categories - there simply is the bigger concept of knowing thine self - or so, of finding peace between the divine and thine self.
But ... the divine aside ... one important aspect to "knowing thyself" is something I want to call "self sincerity" ('selbstwirksamkeit~self efficacy' - 'self sincerity~selbstoffenheit (self openness)') - and relates to self-efficacy around the angle of knowing how to live a fulfilled life or otherwise how to approach the concept of fulfillment.


But that is more or less beside the point. At least ... uhm ... so, I found, that this topic gives me a bit of cognitive dissonance. Which isn't necessarily at odds with my Clarity - but as per my Clarity is at odds with the ... essence of it.
And that speaks to the greater concern of mine here - which is that I feel like I have to write a bit about it before I can leave the topic on the shelf. At least for the time being.

While this state of autonomy is a setup towards a state of enslavement - it is also very much a real thing. One in which the essence of my Clarity doesn't have any bearing, as the matters of importance exist outside of it.
Approaching the topic as an intellectual matter ... presents a weird intersection - and certainly also deals with the matter of self sincerity. So does knowledge of the topic provide that I am to set myself apart with the truths of my happiness - which in a sense would require that I ignore the topic. Or maybe not.

I mean, let's say I'm curious to find a swinger club, hoping that not all rabbit holes that might lead down suck - I wouldn't know how to regard that in the text. And yet it is somewhat relevant - because it sure is an option. Though at the end of the day the point isn't ... whether or not I might this or that ... sortof. Although it does ... already feel better having said it. And why this works the way it does ... who knows? Is it self-sincerity? Is it ETP? Is it Cosmic?

Maybe it just makes more sense in the text - as to imply that the idea of just locking myself up and shutting myself off ... is somewhat silly. At least as ... for you to understand me. Now, if I find that all swinger clubs suck, even if just in my imagination, and I end up shutting myself off anyway - though the consequence were the same then - it may be that you understand me better; While I have a more real interaction with my own inner motions.

Like so can I tell that ... it's not something I'd want to waive on - understanding that it's this big thing I'd definitely want in my life - but as for anything social, it's not always that simple.


So is confession a powerful thing. I believe. Though ... maybe not all that simple. I mean, I'm at a point where I can easily deal with these things. So, I'm basically beyond the point of curiosity where I still have to figure out what I want - and it's more about ... what's like ... good enough for me.
And that is in the sense of: How far from the ideal is something away?

And ... I have made a fair deal of confessions on that matter already. And what I'm actually concerned about ... hmm. Well, for once it isn't something new, it's just that ... recent developments would justify revisiting it. And as I think of it - I now see a new light shed on it that I had previously discarded somewhat nonchalantly.


So, what I'm talking about is part of my Otherlore at first. Being the Bride of God - that wedding is commemorated via a wedding dress. And though I was "discarded" - that dress stays with me, as - what transpired isn't actually a divorce. That dress is ... also tied to me. As after all - I'm the Bride - and could I give it away, that'd ... not change that. What's still a bit vague is what now exactly is implied within that dress - though generally speaking it entails power and/or authority - by which I construct the chains that then shackle me into captivity. Past tense?

So, it sure seems relevant to ... try and disambiguate the matter somewhat - and part of that were the question: What power does the key, or my authority, have upon Clarity.

Now - in theory, the answer should be: None!
So is Clarity, conceptually at least, not ... a thing outside ones personal relationship to God. Perhaps that's why one must be in the ninedom - which makes further sense considering that parts of it are certainly made of ... "transcendental stuff" ... although the basis to it certainly is ... just one's self. So, that exists regardless of what seal you're on - and hence it is conceivable that my authority or the keys might have an influence over that. That however then gets overshadowed by the divine Light - the Belugia'Lagaris for simplicity.
So are there independent bonds - upheld by the Divine - that can therefore also exist regardless of the contemporary conditions in the realworld. So is that ...

At best then - these conditions are ... semi-void ... valid but ... not real per se. So could I feel spoused to someone who might not even know me. Though I'd suspect that God would do some things in the abstract for it to still be of somewhat mutual quality. At any rate would there then need to be a legitimate wedding - maybe so on a per-lifetime basis - for it to then be ... real in the intermediate.

And without going into too much depth ... are there so, we might say, divine patterns that conform to a mutually beneficial understanding of things and thus are going to transpire in as far that there is nothing to prevent that.


The End. So to speak.