And Life wasn't the right answer!
Madonna is an inspiring person. Its different when people are open about themselves, when they go like "look at me, look at me precisely!" - and one doesn't have to feel ashame, or like a stalker, when doing so. This is a response to her recent Interview, that one with the nipples, which by the way look unrealistic to me.
But this isn't about Madonna. It is more so about my trying to peep behind the curtain, to see what is going on behind the veil - for - she isn't into dope and thus its gonna be hard to find a synergy of sorts that I might otherwise respond to. But no, I'm trying to see beyond because there is where real life is going on. I'll say its beyond the fassade although I don't mean to say that anything is fake or so. It is however there, printed - virtually or on paper - followed by these images that are almost as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, I still have to rebuke the idea that I smoke pot as a way to get closer to God. Its a physical thing. Narcotics have a physical influence, Psychedelics have a Psychological influence. Not all has to be negative!
I do however certainly feel ... "ambigous" once I reflect positively on Dope, as though I'd be some yippie hippie thats easily influenced by somehow offstream popular ideas - as though I wouldn't mean what I'm saying or believe in what I'm reflecting on. Well for sure - the idea that Tobacco helps relief stress is an illusion because the addiction at first makes it so that the stress occurs, right? But thats like saying - oh here it comes again - that Tobacco is the only source of stress! "You" dear reader "Suck" if you can't at least try to accept something that simple! What does it say? That you have to be smoking? Thats the problem of this world! All is so - sped up, critical, non-friendly ... by the time I would take a breath to make a calm and reflected statement folks be running all over the place screaming and yelling of me as though I'd be prof.dr.dr. Drug Addict. But what could I say? Maybe something like: So, I may have a higher stress Level at points due to addiction but so do I also have a deeper relaxiation at points! Sounds fair? Well, it is just an educated guess!
But certainly, Drugs alone won't do any good! I hate it - to begin that way - to hear Potheads go down the 'gateway drug' way. Oh yea, then take a few stupid teenies that get themselves overdozed on Weed (woot?) and bam we got them negative headlines! Once, only once in my entire career have I ever felt like I smoked too much weed - and I didn't smoke too much in comparison to other days. Must have been a bad day of sorts. I dunno, but it happens! Drugs alone though - well. What makes my head spin is the entire "Taking Marijuana for the Kick" type of thing. At least I don't want to know myself thrown into one pot with this cliche. Certainly I sometimes do enjoy a good kick of weed, but I still take it as a challenge to use my altered Menthality to train myself! Training?! Yes Training!
You may not have heard of it - but there's a game called Hammerfight. In that game you play something that looks like a barrel, a wooden barrel, and attached to it at first there is a chain with a stone on it. As you move the mouse the barrel floats through the air. Its kindof fiddly - and though the concept sounds cool it in fact doesn't seem like a good one. The point is to fight against Monsters or incomming armies that also fly those barrel things and you so swing the barrel around and try to give enough momentum to the stone hanging around on it to hit the enemy with it. Later one gets upgraded by hammers or swords - but its all about that swinging. Now saying that I'm better when I'm high makes it sound silly! What I'll say is that while being high I was able to evolve a feeling for the physics of that game that made it a breeze to play through and not all of it disappeared with the high! Maybe easier to get the mind wrapped around would be Jamestown. It is one of those vertically auto-scrolling bullet-hell sh'm'ups and the concept is clear: Escape the bullets and shoot down as much as possible. The bigger enemies have those shooting patterns and succeeding is simply a matter of understanding the incomming fire in terms of patterns that change over time rather than real time projectiles. Well yea, take a joint and zooooooom, Matrix 3D camera floating around woooooooooooom - 4D! Weed is all about what you put your mind into! Some might simply have a physical "no" to it - well - but still!
Like a lack of practice impairs skills anywhere I wouldn't be as good in Jamestown as during my best Moments, where I'll say though that I was good enough to start chasing for High-Scores in Gauntlet mode on Legendary - and I made to the mines eventually. So certainly did Marijuana boost my skills temporarily - while after getting used to it there comes the laziness. But that takes me back to why I prefer playing Adventure Games (Zelda, Secret of Mana, Tomb Raider, etc.) anyway. Those for instance don't make a lot of sense once getting high, except, well, for a different intellectual immersion into the story.
Behind the curtain! Behind it there is life! Like those projectiles in a Bullet-Hell shmup - things change but certain things follow diverse straight lines. Maybe I want to brag with my education and in depth knowledge about those things that people barely dare to talk about these days, but, yet we might all 'Understand' the term 'Sociopath'. What is a Sociopath? A Sociopath is a person that abuses the social rules to its benefit. But what is a Sociopath without the abusive behavior? Smart enough to understand how he might. But thats getting up on the wrong foot! I can't serve you with all the skills, but I can certainly assume a few things from what is shown to me which might after all serve a Sociopathic purpose. I learned those things through being paranoid, mostly. Once I for instance see Whitwickie (or however) from the Transformers movies, or Transformers II specifically, I think of myself. He's exagerated for sure, while on top of that not only me - but within my picture of the world wherein Antichristians try to conquer the world while they keep on looking for how to do that and being like 'Links Adventures' suggests where it says: "Ganons eyes are Everywhere" [transforms into a Bat], there is a thing, a thing that increases fear. I might lock myself up and refuse talking, that would be a strong and wonderful advise to me - so - if I did that you wouldn't have to bother my "agressive layouts" and a reason to complain into the other direction, but ... sometimes I come to learn of communicating with others nontheless, while arguably it doesn't serve any good.
Its like whenever I come crawling out of my den people keep asking: "But what about the Sex issue?". Its like a trick! It's like 'whack the weasel'.
So far so good! But what was this now? Just rambling for the start or the main part? Arguably I haven't even begun yet because I still didn't finish the 'looking beyond the curtain' issue. Thereby however: Life sucks! Life, as an answer, sucks! Life, to say: "Excuse me, but I wish to enjoy and I'll only accept things that are being shoved down my throat" sucks! Life is what happens between individuals and individuals are free in their doing. Point? Now, if I knew what you would be hooked up into I'd be "stupid" - sorry to put it that way - if I wouldn't abuse it! Thats life! Survival of the fittest! Thats what we learned in "(job-)application writing school" - that you have to sell yourself to the employer and the one who makes the greatest monkey of himself, sotospeak, wins! Life! Beyond a doubt! So unless I come up wiggling my stick in front of a chick I won't get any - thats the point. The more you rub it, the more shameless you get in, the more 'ellbow' you got, the more disrespectful you behave - the more likely you're gonna get laid! That is Life!
It has psychological reasons! And those aren't "Hunters and Collectors!". Its emotional stupidity! Lets say I met the biggest asshole on the planet, being a girl or woman or whatever, and from the moment looking at him I'd be turned off like a galaxy has a core. But he'll come up on me anyway - and my insides are bursting - I want to be laughing but I'll try to be smart and look at him making a fool of himself. That worked! But - he'll stay out of the line of fire until I make it a "lets see where it goes". Still wanting to see him fail the words that I got on my head got different. So he'll push on me, keeping me stunned by my attitude where he'll show me that he's got balls - and so, eventually, it'll become a relationship. Thats Life!
Life is that we regularly go voting, but no matter what we vote for, its anyway always going to be shit! And the problem with Artists that got successful is round about the same! Its Life! But there they forget one thing, eventually: Life alone didn't make them successful - and the magnitude of their success isn't of Life for dipshit! Its all about Love!
Life is like saying - and that is an "inspired response", maybe a vision or - lets say its an 'illusional answer' from Madonna to my minds process of trying to find something I could respond to: "Whatever you make me want to do". I don't want to say its her oppinion or idea, while, depending on how long this would take to arrive at her the point wouldn't be - in case it were or "is" - what it is now but how it was back then. But - whats going on in my mind there is anyway more about the thing I'm concerned of - something to kick it into motion - so - something 'inspired'.
"Whatever you make me want to do" doesn't relate to Kink or anything weird like that - its just a very compact way of saying: If there is something that I enjoyed doing I'll possibly do it! If you can show me something, like lets say "Yoyo", that I would like to do you might get me do it - and thats Life!
But Life, properly Christian relatable Life, implies Love! Enjoying something would usually imply Love but at certain points in this world Love is simply the force that keeps driving someone from one stupidity into the other. Its aimless. It is just about them colorful shiny lights, them hippidie yappy drinks, themm moronically narrow hallway shooters, Updates with no end - just 'yes' here and 'like' there - for "yay" we're all friends [swallows a pill] and "oompts oompts oompts".
Friends are the Gateway drug #1! I've seen it! Since Marijuana used to be illegal (and still is up to the very day) there are only certain places where you'd get it, and friends that could get it would at some point also know someone who could get other things. And so I've seen people turn from "hoodies" into "lets go to the city - Disco!" - just because of some pill. Naturally, trying to talk to such people about the scientific value of Kink is like trying to teach a Donkey how to dunk. To me that - or there - is a crowd that would turn away from all and everything that requires an inch of mind and isn't compatible to arbitrary oppinion. It is there where Love is dead!
Or simply a Mechanism that sometimes causes a blurry feeling that makes one go from A to B. At the end of the day those are those that need to drive against a wall, full-speed, to understand whats going on!
But that so is the issue - or - the issue with the 'advanced moronity'. For, how does someone react after having driven against a wall if he or she holds more power than God in this world? He'll buy another car - a bigger and better one at that! Thats Life!
And those that Understand what I'm writing about all the time might know that at the end those things are dependent on a few things - those things we might call 'cornerstones'. Like, take my writing about Black Holes. In the end one would have to look at the picture of a Galaxy and interprete how the crumbling of space causes those central patterns in and around the Galaxies eye. If I included that then the next step would be what Scientists would have to say about that. Simply ignoring that 'final cornerstone' of the issue and talking as though it were in-existent and unthinkable - that creates power [which on this point here were the issue whether or not that is already known and common sense to begin with. And further that if it were the point is yet that I don't give a crap because I'm trying to do something else, where the next point were: What? And so on and so forth!]! People that are popular can stamp their oppinion onto those around them that may not have the time to get invested that much et voila - welcome to the desert of the real!
Thats life! People have oppinion, oppinions show us the limits of the racing-track that is our "Love filled" Life - so twice: Life at all!
I've thought that these things were issues that would be a concern behind those curtains for some time now, next to other things that I don't want to write or even talk about because they're too personal, yet I never had the igniting thought to get into those things properly.
But then, what is Love? Love inclines to wisdom - for Love fuels knowledge and knowledge is what determines our reality. But so often it happens that we loved something but later then it turned out different. Take me and Tai Chi for instance. I got around practicing some Peking Form that was labelled as Chen Style without having any clue of how to even investigate the line back to its origins. "Original Chen Style" maybe - but - my mind was already somehow conditioned to look for what is common to me within their movement. In regards to the Film about Tai Chi I'm supposed to make I so arrived at the German ward of the 'Chen Zhaokui Taijiquan' something of Beijing, so, whatever! Seeing it live opened my eyes. That is Chen Style! But you don't think that a failure like that would have been accepted of me - in this world! Simply speaking: Yea! Because there is no Love!
Possibly the difference to seeing it live was that I subconsciously perceived what kind of muscles they are utilizing and what their focus is attending on. Simply put: The "Camera Compatible" Tai Chi is different. Thats not saying that they can't be related to each other, but, while the "Common" Tai Chi emphasizes on full-swung completely dynamic and flowing 'perceivable' forms of motions, Chen Tai Chi focusses on partially entirely different aspects - and arguably stupid, but, thats just in places. Perhaps things that I would learn in advanced classes elsewhere too - who knows?
But in that sense ... there are things going on that I maybe have to keep to myself, things that are wonderful, things that are between God and me - things like: I knew Chen Style before I knew it! Now that I know it, I know what I knew! Does that make me good at it? As good as a soccer player that doesn't attend Training!
Sometimes I just have to say it - how hard you suck - whoever 'you' are that sucks so hard, so epically hard - yes, "Puny Humans" in-deed, but so: What is Love? It is the essence of Life! Without it - you're just gonna suck! And you think you're the greatest while doing so! And yes - so it all comes together! What else do I feel but hatred? Pardon, what else do I receive? The worse thing about it is that those people make their suckage my problem!
Yes - its like so: They're taking a plate and put an apple on it and put that plate on a table I'm going to pass by. So, their idea is to test my IQ by figuring how long it takes for me to take that apple and eat it - for - nobody else would ever touch it. And that goes on as it is just the tip of the iceberg. Some things make me think that it involves some basic concept of politics with God or divinity. So, someone would act up a douche to me and now the journey goes on - saying - how long will it take for me to discard it from my realm while it would yet continually try to push into my bubble. On the high end that means: Why am I not killing that person because its evident that he's a wickedly evil person, so, me not killing it were equal to me accepting that ideology amongst our midst. That I simply do not like apples - sotospeak - that doesn't cross their minds at all.
OK, sorry for those "random pokes" into my 'private area' - or - 'personal acquaintances' - its not about those things. It is about the high end. It is maybe a bit exagerated but its that "game" - its like 'producing' such "glitches" in order to, simply put, be a nuisance. And so, already, this "lets take it back to a certain degree" is just that kind of thing. It is the "now I don't know that [whoever] is [whatever] and thus [something]". It influences my mind, so much should be obvious; And it is part of the things that make me go crazy! Yes! There are things like that!
It is of course like: Simply physics! Things that make me crazy are countered by things that make me sane. But that is not like one thing negated by another, its like a Bullet-Hell shmup mixed with Farmville where the Farmville aspect is so the part of producing 1 Ups for the shmup part. Something that doesn't make it easier for me is that I have to basically warp all of my 1 Ups out of thin air. Were it not for God showing me that He is there for me that were infinitely more difficult! Yea, an illusionary 1 Up is after all illusionary - so - it doesn't contribute to sanity. However well you get through a real shmup is thereby not representative of your Sanity! How many 1 Ups you think you can pull out of thin air per second isn't either!
But 'they' ... they don't try to Understand me anyway ... they already think of how to make this sound as stupid as humanly possible and also will pretend that its the right thing until you just go away. Yea, so, here's the thing: Should I tell you to abandon your friends? And what would make me do such a thing? Oh yea, the Apple on the plate! Alternatively to going away from something one can also say that its going towards something else. So, fuck that Apple!
Thats Life! I can act up a total jerk without breaking any social rules and even being more in the right than anyone else just to make fun of you - and where some see an unsolvable problem I have to facepalm! Does it make me superior? Well, certainly it does! Show me the opposite! Show me - give it to me - how you act up like nonsense incarnate to proof to me how right I am ... uhm, well! Where Love guides the way, it guides to a target and I've already transcended beyond that, through that! Following that way certainly holds that you'd admit being inferior to me - but acceptance is the first step to bettering!
For instance: To understand that the ideal partner is to 'complete' ones self, one has to at first realize the own mangle. If the only criteria are looks and money - what does that say? In the end? Or what is IQ? Nope - not getting there! To me the first mangle that a human being is in need of stuffing is the lack of God! If Drugs help someone consciously grasping His eternal existence, why not? It should however not end there!
Thats Life! Life guided by Love! So I've written and will possibly continue to do so - in the same words or not - that if you don't find your way that way I do not have any need for you! No matter how much you think I could use your help!
And how did Christ leave the Apostles? Did He leave them with all questions answered? With a party that left no wishes unfulfilled? Or did he leave also leaving a wide gap of awkwardity that required the Apostles to proof that they have the 'Love' for reality that is making them worthy of bearing the title of an Apostle of the Lamb? So fuck your "Its got to be pixel perfect" Bullshit - I take a dump on "You" - sitting on a golden Toilet high above the clouds and letting it rain brownies as you are too far below me to even lick my balls! Let those that are good at it be good at it - I have no problem with that! Woo! Who would have guessed?! Oh, and another brown nugget just dropped out of the sky. One would guess that people that exist without the remotest intellectual demand have something like excess energy - well - so, how true the statement: That those that have nothing will even loose that little bit they have left; And, around the finger of hope: That the first will be the last! Oh yea, dear celebrities, did you think you're gonna get away that easily?
See, look at me! What do you see? "Uhmph, a wall of Text! [Silly]" - yea - thanks for this Enlightening statement! So, you're not accidentally getting hooked into reading this text - whether you skillfully closed the page as it comes to this topic or not? - thus again: What do you see? Yea, right well! Those of you that realized that it takes a bit of effort to not simply have me standing there as a moron - that try to also behold this text in another, more meaningful context, well - you may now tell people that there isn't an intellectual criteria that has been ignored or so - or as others might say: Do not Judge! However, you are the last ones any sane Missionary on this planet would go to! Now, so, eat that while you cheat on the other! Uhm chew!
What you see is what you get! Whether you now take me for stupid because this and that is not smart enough to make up for this or that idea of what this might/should/could be - whatever - or for smart because you can't follow simple step by step conclusions like I do, its still not a big Mystery what this 'Love' is about! It is about: This whole Life idea, that I'd have to get rich etc. - sucks! Or that by some circumstances here or there - fuck you! Circumstance is here - in your face! The final suggestive Memory that I have of Christ - where I simply feel ... whatever - is that he left me with a Kiss, but, Kisses can come in ... more than two but in this case two ways. Either they are fulfilling, thats a juicy kiss that ends perfectly as the whole enjoyment of it has persuaded the own perception/senses - or it can just end abruptly, leaving wishes open, making it awkward that it even started because the arising dissonance makes it more of a torture than a bliss. It was one of the latter kind. So don't you dare to ever think that I had or have an easy life! You have an easy life because I like a sweet Bird Mommy give you the food straight from my mouth, if you puke it out thats your problem! That is finally not linked to me having understood or not understood how its supposed to be - it is because thats the way I am! Call it sweet or dumb, not my problem! As talking to stones is useless - except you maybe have the power to give them a mind and ears - but to those that have ears: Some things of the way our minds are wired simply override other things - in which sense I'm a bit more of a person that needs censorship, sotospeak. Those that yet continue to yell: Doctor heal yourself - naturally - I don't ask for their help [anyway and at all!]! Effectively I'm not calling anyone for help! Certainly, sometimes life seems grim and dark and the projected future reveals a gap to my present and so forth - but finally the message is yet simply that its your problem what you make of things! OK, arguably that way this is that way never gonna get anywhere - but if you think about it sharply for a moment ... yep!
But so - tonight is now ripe for me to go to bed!
Stardate 55291.13391