A Twisted Mind
So, this time, the way around!
So, this time, the concept
That the Harmony between Nature and Porn that I have achived,
is used as base to describe whats wrong with me.
So, this time, I'm going to stress that something is definitely wrong with me!
A twisted Minds passion
Because Passion is what drives us, a twisted Mind as the result of someones personal living is at least in some way
due to his passions.
I reflect upon my expectations and allow desires to influence my decision. So I expect for myself something ... a something
that I now break up into two pieces: There is the 'core' - without emotions - and the abstraction after allowing emotions
to alter my idea.
Taking an example - Monica Bellucci - my 'core expectation' is nothing. Within emotions I start dreaming and expectations change.
There's then so a twist. Another example: I might get a Job, whatever, where the core of my expectations is that I get payed for
dedicating time to a duty. Within emotions I start dreaming and might decline because I don't like the job.
So dreaming is the process of thought, where between two extremes there are emotions. Within the BDSM/Domina scene there is a word
for that, its - translating the german term into english - called: Head Theatre (Kopf-Kino). Head Theatre means that someone has an exagerated
desire. One may be having the desire to get punished or raped, treated like a slave - which influences the individuals mind for
a few moments while formulating the expectation that it has to last forever maybe. That would be called 24/7. The problem with
24/7 is that there is no boundary. If I expect some 24/7 stuff, I don't expect an end - as it says: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Now, a few deliberate reflections to add material to the picture:
- I once stood at a traffic light, waiting for it to turn green. I saw this woman standing next to me. I was looking down,
my sight travelled onto her shoes, then up - scanning her outfit - and then onto her face, staring into blue eyes. Black
hairs and blue eyes made me think of Megan Fox. The lights turned green and I went my way and I came to think. How would it
work out, if she fell in Love with me, that the two of us could meet though we never met or talked before. The how she would
or could fall in Love with me didn't matter.
Pretending that this girl/woman could be her - I come to wonder. She would have her expectations and I would have mine.
I want to say that reasonably there is no way that starting any relationship on 'exagerated expectations' is going to work. I have
this other thought. Lets say that she and I met - because she would answer to my questions. So, in the idea I'm going to be the
sub, and she the dom. Now she would try to be dominant and I would expect her to know what to do. She would try to be dominant and
she herself would expect that its somehow the right thing to do. This picture is to lead to the point where, however the detail,
the whole (BD)SM thing isn't going to work out. However, it should become clear that if you think that my mind is twisted ill because
you think that I'm into some 24/7 thing - you have to counter argue that I'm yet aware and convinced of these things that I just
wrote.
Now - untwisting 'our' minds in total - that means that we have to narrow our expectations down to the practical minimum. And that
means - turning it down! There is no: But then there is this so again add another expectation! So, I'm again "daring" to say that
I'm not the one who is twisted - but - that is just THIS context here. So, lets add BDSM to the context!
That I have a certain Kink is a thing. If I 'have to' stress it upon the relationship - then I'm expecting it to work no other way
or something like that. Well, let's ... get to the point: I have come to setup certain parameters that a partner of mine would have
to fulfill. There is, between Monica and Me, no other way but the own individual minds way, that one could speak of a given match.
That is to say: If my parameters work with hers, just to the mind, where she is equally turned on by the thought of a relationship
within given parameters as I am, then that well may be a mutual Head Theatre. Head Theatre - so - is like taking any Japanese Porn
Anime - lets say - where there is some guy who leads an army of Ogres and all sorts of 'Hyper Male' individuals that follow the
goal of establishing a Kingdom where all Women are to serve as Sex Slaves. In that story there is no way out. It is absolute. That
guy will reign and rape all the pretty female Characters of the movie. Because it is porn and the story aiming to complete the Kink,
there is no Hero in the end to save the day. The day is saved when all women have been raped. That is a story around the Kink of
some sort of BDSM. The story works like pressure. When a man and a woman do BDSM, they do it - so the premise - voluntarily. The
slave knows that it is just a game - and thus isn't actually a slave. (There are no Slaves in Heaven! (a voice in my Head)).
The Kink of being enslaved is however strengthened by a story where the slave now is truly enslaved. Thus the term 'immersion' is
now a thing. If you have time for it, read (its free) a comic called 'Lisa & Ally' or 'Sunstone' (Sunstone is the Second
Version, just, google it). Therein - spoiler - occurs the story of a woman who was so into prooving to her BDSM partner that she
is willingly submissive that she tied herself up but she did so too strong and in process she couldn't free herself anymore to the
point where her hands couldn't get any blood anymore. So, it is the 'negative' twist to the story - the "other side of the coin"
within BDSM. It however follows the Kink and the desire to realize that Kink to its fullest. It is not much different to "some jerk"
who just suffers its own "Head Theatre", just that the person there 'does have' a Partner to realize it with. If there is any
dangerous expression herein so far in my oppinion than that one! That so because the idea that all joy is only dependent on having
someone to experience it with is a resource to hope. Hope and Desires mix and that is basically - I suppose - how all of us live.
A first odd occurs - well - naturally - within superficiality, because the surface of thing is the first we see. A woman would - so
the issue - take the honest desires of an ugly guy less serious than the artificial desires of a pretty guy. Thus some guys will
just be left to their head-threatre and prostitutes. That because they do have hopes and wishes but the females expect that person
to leave them alone. So, if that is my problem then I have to deal with it, but it isn't me being wrong in any way - just superficially
discarded. There is naturally no way for me - other than trying to play that game - to 'get in', while I wish to point out that I'm
not trying to argue on a superficial Level!
So, when a pretty guy comes and laughs at me because he assumes that he would have better chances to Land on X, well - he would be
wrong if 'she' wouldn't work that way, but right if she would. Strongly connected, ideologically, to this issue is the entire jealousy
and envy stuff - and is - yea - Head Theatre alike! Jealous guy sees girlfriend together with a pretty other guy and the mind starts
to humm to the paranoid ideas. The question is: What is a person, within any relationship, Loyal to? Is it the partners looks or
does it reach 'beyond' the Surface? Well - if the question is: Is there anything beyond the surface, and if, then what? Well, I understand
the severity of a problem ... but ... I'm beyond that.
So, mutual head-threatre. I took a movie as example - and the two individuals would share that movie. How that then may take the two to
start doing anything alike - that is an entirely different story. The point is that this head theatre is a pattern, it is the minds echo,
and whenever I say that we in this world are limitted through our physics/biology then I mean something like: There are no 4 meter tall
Ogers in this world and neither would a living being be capable of bearing a two meter tall cock! This is an exageration to say: Head
theatre is - as pointed out again and again - not real life. If now jumping the gun again and looking for the most extreme that is
physically/biologically possible we are again within Head Theatre! And so, however you write your screenplay and color the pictures,
that is your own! So, your Head Theatre can be positive and bloomy, that is where the two have a mutual agreement; Or you can draw it
negative and bloody and that is where someone standing outside adds his or her own minds nonsense to the story. What I mean to say is
that at this point nothing is happening yet! Right now we all, you the reader and I, are just "Imagining" things, making stuff up,
dreaming, fantasizing, hallucinating! Who told you that I would be alright with such a thing? Matter of fact do I just currently try
to argue against such exagerations - just to - ... whatever you believe is right?
If you have been paying attention thus far - then you wouldn't have to ask 'how'. Even as of this article: A) Narrow down expectations
to the minimum! Ergo: No BDSM at all! That allows the two to meet neutrally - since after all - that is an essential part of mutual
existence, isn't it? Now, naturally this is the logic of my initial argumentation - and if you don't believe that then you are hell bent
on misinterpreting my words! But who can verify to you that my reasoning is straight in turns to which yours then would be revealed
as twisted? So, is this understood? Is this clear? Can I proceed or do I need to elaborate this forever? How can I draw a more straight
line for anything? So, to follow up with B: The goal is to live live together in harmony and due to the mutual Kink, that is the general
direction. If you haven't gotten it into your head so far that I do believe that God is master upon our emotions - if you cannot get it
into your head that my concept is that without God its not gonna work, then you should now! So, 'what' is not gonna work? I want to tell
you - but - this is a very important point. If you understood so far the rest is basically trivial. That is my standpoint. That is valid
for all directions. That is why I grow upset. I grow upset as the person who in a live discussion would have to argue against all the
misconceived idea. On the flipside I want to proceed - but - if I don't make a big deal out of it, would it be understood? Well, I didn't
explain it the first time - so I suppose - no!
But sorry. If you understood and just ask normally - out of curiosity - ... forgive me!
The key is 'to ponder'. That doesn't mean that we should at all ponder upon how someone else would act! It means that we ourselves have
to wonder how we ourselves must act. It is easy to always draw out the worse case scenarios and therefore end up doing and achieving
nothing. THUS I am VERY upset! Emphasizing that I AM, and not becomming. I AM upset because since years I'm basically saying nothing else!
If you don't understand that GOD should be YOUR guide, you are failing ME. If you are failing ME, then is it my problem that you don't
understand it? Don't tell me that I never pointed out that THE TESTIMONY is THE ONE IMPORTANT THING. If you cannot acknowledge that then
the rest here is trivial. Because then you might not want to be reading this you are reading this for further info. But if you didn't
care at all - this wouldn't make lots of sense to you. Thus what I'm saying is that I have a problem! With myself. With organizing how
I am to express myself.
Logically: The mutual head-theatre allows from point zero to say that it is tight enough to say that both might try to stick together for
a while. On one hand side there is the logic: If Monica were to take out a leash for instance, asking me to kneel down before me since
she would start to see how I would react as she is to be the dominant person - the nature of Kink is that I would love to do so and in
that moment I would begin to have these feelings that I express as substance to my Kink.
A word about the Upsetness you read of me herein: At this point - if you didn't just jump here (if you did then alright,
that is basically why I bolded it out) - I have the context where I can write about it in reflection unto an actual context. I'm not
upset because this standing context is self-understood in the sense that I shouldn't have to be writing about it! The upsetness is
to my idea important because that way I come to emphasize things that might otherwise be forgotten. Minor expressions here and there
could be removed, and then the whole entire thing reformulated. But time will have to pass before the best way to wrap all the different
things up comes into minds reach. On the other side is it so that while I am still alone and there is no social weight to the things I
put - I have the feeling that its misunderstood! Not by all - but by few. This isn't a generalized argument - it is more just to find
excuses to the way I'm writing this. Because 'you' might be anyone - and not all are the same - you shouldn't take things personal! I
however find that once this is being discussed some mischievious statements might come up and therefore I react to that while otherwise
it lack behind in not doing the 'cliche' mistakes of being not clear enough about it. I would say that it is a fucked up topic and the
only way to be sure that everything is done right is to formulate things to death. If I ignored certain odds I wouldn't feel right about
it. I thereby also react to 'physical hints'. So, while I have this feeling around my wrist that makes me identify myself with that
negative example within the Sunstone comic I assume that someone is still believing that I am that way. OK, that may be accurate because
it may be true - in certain ways I am advocating 'the most of what is possible' - yet so I'm wondering about which counter-argument I
didn't consider and find that most of them are just flat-out ignoring very important pieces of the puzzle that I then keep getting upset
about. You can't know this - I assume - while then, if you don't believe or just a little, are heavily doubtful, well - the problem is
once again an entirely different one. Thus, please don't take it 1:1 as though I'm 'talking to you', in time this will be replaced
by something better, put into a more proper spot.
Well, there are reasons and conditions where that might not be the case. But anyway ... lets move on!
By my Kink however I would, in case an idea comes up, be alright with a variety of things ranging from little to extreme. If I were to
get Kidnapped and Raped for instance I might enjoy it, but if one thereby has the intention to really hurt me, that wouldn't be impossible
and not my idea of a nice and beautiful world! There are basically three factos to it: The physical, the intellectual and the emotional.
If the physical part is alright, the rest wouldn't be all that important, so, I might technically enjoy it regardless of 'who' would do
it. But where some would say that it is the only way to properly 'do it' I have to disagree!
And there again is the problem with Head Theatre and exagerated expectations. If the idea were that it would be stupid if we were to start
on a neutral basis then the only asumption left would be to have some exagerated expectation; Yet if exagerated expectations are the only
thing left - something is missing! On basis of exagerated expectations my dream and secret wish would be to get kidnapped, raped, and
finally gender aligned against my will, serving as a bitch until the show is over. But even here: When the physical part is done right,
the question whether its 'real' or not is again just beside the point. I would initially react differently though, of course, but within
the head theatre it is the situation, the way of life, the way the individual exists that would matter. But well ... let's move on!
So, moving back, removing exagerated expectations, we have ourselves and our exagerated expectations - in form of wishes - as an objective
issue that I say is to be separated from; So that it is basically as though it would be a bad bad thing, so that one is in the mind-set
where he or she would have to believe that its never going to happen.
In that sense I for instance can develop loyalty to a person that makes me think that I could never be with anyone else. It isn't the same
thing, but when I for instance feel a romance it is just not working as a part of the picture to think that I could sleep with another
person. The Kink were though that a compound of individuals does exist as its own each married to the other gang-bang-ish zone. In that
state of romance that Kink is separated, it doesn't work out. It is a 'state of immersion', a temporary state, while the one advocated here
is the state of 'un-immersion', thus basically isolating the own consciousness from everything conscious. Hereby now someone who is in 'ill'
Love would be worried. While I had a crush on #Fail 1 and 2 I've been like that. I wouldn't dare to let go of these emotions because some
part of me feared that I would break the bond, thus however I denied myself to reason outside of my own belief. Thus for years I couldn't
accept anything else and immersed deeper and deeper into my own illusion. If you have the same worries and read 'someone who commits
adultery in the heart commits adultery for real' - well - you might have a hard time letting go or even find it to be impossible. It is
though I would ask you to sin. In that case I guess you will have to find your own way!
From being un-immersed one can head into the different flavours of Kink. I have to describe it as a back and forth because that essentially
is the ideal case. That means that from being un-immersed you can yet tell which things turn you on. So, though there is no way there, they
are yet there and conscious. At times we may not believe in it anymore - but that is fine. The next thing is that being un-immersed is an
artificial state and that after all we want to have a partnership with someone. The more we know ourselves though, the more we can understand
what is right and wrong with the current situation - although 'right' and 'wrong' may be too heavy words. At first one should then begin to
think about priorities. So, if you want a long-lasting and holy relationship you will have to think about your priorities first so that you
don't end up with someone you can't actually quite be with! At least not in that ideal case. That 'ideal' may be possible is left to God to
take care of. Thus: Remote falling in Love is not that much of an inconceivable thing! However things have been designed/made for the individual
to work out is how it should work out - and there once more one has to see how nobody can really help you but you yourself by asking God for
His!
To properly go on one has to be capable of understanding the own individual attractions. So, within my puberty I'd be hot for any hot woman,
no matter the skin or hair. I was obsessed by brunettes, but later then blonde started to become interesting. This is a twist of life - and
basically indicative for the individual being still growing and essentially unripe. If you however had three slots to sort that into, to me
there is 1. Brunette/Black, 2. Blonde and 3. Redhead; All caucasian. The idea is to not stress the own mind by narrowing things down to only
1. This is just to hint at a level of menthal ripeness. Maybe in some cases my idea may be inaccurate as I reflect upon my current state of
mind and can't really pay a lot of attention on the ... uhm, but I'm here to give you guidelines anyway.
A guide to the start
So, take this as a folder. You don't have to create it - looking at it and thinking about it will be enough. At first you will have to think
of your intimacy Kink/Wish. This isn't about 'romance', it is about 'what kind' - or in other words - what 'Kink' takes you the closest to
a harmonic relationship. So, mine is INCEST for instance. That is basically inevitable to me - while I also am heavily into elder women. Because
the fantasy of incest covers a wide variety of stuff, the very first point is the one that is priority 1. In that sense I'm a boy, thus in
folder:
I can add two items:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
This is to say that I will have to be a 'Husband'. Now I can expand it:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
And now I should feel clearly and most evidently happy about it. One doesn't require straight names, Brunette might do - or just spamming
the folder with pictures of people, with or without name/face/implications/whatever - and that should help you sophisticate the idea. Here
again the concept of 'separation' is important. So, after 'passion' is covered - that is hypothetically 'the one and only' or 'the actual
wedding thing'. But while immersing into it one should watch out for 'flaws' of the idea. Not flaws that break it, but the deeper you
allow the passion to be the thing, the more you would be missing out on stuff - like - already saying 'Brunette' yields that one misses out
on blonde.
Logically the next step is to refine these individual entries. Incest suggests different possibilities - and so does marriage - and here
basically the Head Theatre that comes up with fantasy tales does revolve around personal likes and desires that usually involve a contextually
proper idea about how each field expands. In this sense I know for instance that Megan Fox is to fit in somewhere, that at some point Gillian
Anderson has to be somewhere, but also that my 'basic core Fetish' needs to play a role - so:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
Which is still very slim, while it gets confusing when the product would turn out to be like:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
Monica Bellucci
Megan Fox as Sister as present of Mother
Being the own self the Daughter as family bitch
02_marriage__MALE
Amanda Tapping
Feminization
Instrumentalized
At which point things begin to mingle and mix. But essentially those 'wrong ways' can be evaluated, like, because
being Monicas young daughter is not a thing - in which case the scenario has to work out with me being the way I
am. Anyway I can cut things down and add:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
Which is because 01 and 02 are 'enforced' and technically 'over-idealized' conditions the own self demands a piece
of freedom. That though is complicated because essentially when I think of Amanda Tapping I think of the 'outer'
limits - the 'break' from everything - where since I basically understand my Kink in the center that can get
tiring or monotone - I need a contrast of some sort. But that then is again an artificial/forced-out logic. It
does though automatically gain significance. The confusion is finally redeemed once things can be sorted out
this way. It is thus however confusing from another perspective.
I can however use this to draw a picture of myself. Because I'm 02-male, but therein follow the Kink of being
female while drawing it within stories of rape, it is like so that 2/3 are female although in essence I'm
male, although statically I'm female. This situation flows into 01 where anything can be made possible - or -
the sophistication is going to take hold within 01 and 02, where the summary is that I want that which is
male about me to be used to become female. In that sense I could say:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
But it doesn't work out for me. I'd rather do so:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
Monica Bellucci
Gillian Anderson
Megan Fox
Vincent Cassel
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
But effectively am thereby overdoing it already. So ... cut back:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
And I'm leaving 03 that way because my mind wants the picture to be complete although I'm not entirely convinced. This is
what may happen. Thus, on the flipside there is this:
Which is now not about partnerships but about the own self. We might say:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
Where I expand:
Wedding Tome
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
Front
Blonde, Mature, Authoritative
Back
Brunette, Fighter, Lesbian
Side
Abstract
While so in essence sorting the own self into characteristics that are visualized through stereotype characters where Sex
is entirely trivial. This again does then however mingle with the 'Core Kink', so, naturally:
WeddingTome__VictimOfRape
01_passion__INCEST
02_marriage__MALE
03_sophistication__FEMALE
Front
Blonde, Mature, Authoritative
Back
Brunette, Fighter, Lesbian
Side
Abstract
And naturally - if I had a choice - I'd let it happen within 01. Either way is this at this point entirely free of unwanted
implications, where expectations aren't exagerated but to the point of somehow aligning to this construct - which, well,
introduces the problem that we cannot choose our life but live just as that what we are. As a hint though, before I move
on:
03_sophistication__FEMALE
Front
Blonde, Mature, Authoritative
Likes nature, smooth shapes, intellectually uplifting stuff
Favourite Color: Red/Scarlet
Back
Brunette, Fighter, Lesbian
Likes martial arts, strong images, castles
Favourite Color: Blue/Purple/Violet
Side
Blonde, Prostitute, Slut
Likes cock, humiliation, following orders
Favourite Color: Pink
Abstract
...
Favourite Color: Green/Turquese
Which can be used as a frame to sort Wallpapers where you might be surprised of the result. A Key question concerning wallpapers
for instance is: What to choose? Since the question also is: Why? What for? The one idea is that you pick a wallpaper that cheers
you up or something. If that sucks one might choose something trivial, without context. Another idea is that the wallpaper is like
an outfit - that others are going to see it and look at you in relation to that. But either way.
What I forgot is that the relation is so that the 'Side' is an abstraction of 'Front', while 'Abstract' is an Abstraction of all.
Side is more consolidated and held to the own self while Abstract is - as previously discussed in some writing - 'life'. Though,
once looking for a 'public Avatar', I figured that I feel best with my current Abstract. In terms of wallpapers I there have the
Green Ranger, various 'premature' things - and basically everything that I relate to from my trans-sexual self.
As there is no way to just take this and expect life to give you something in return, it is just 'stash', backpack, order within
the chaos. And now I have to basically look back at reality - where the next question is: Whom am I looking for and how is it
going to supposedly unfold?
An idea
of mine is that the very first important person to me would be Megan Fox. The re-occuring 'problem' thereby is that for everything
to work out for me is that my 'Core Kink' should play the center role. That one automatically is to be a key aspect of 02, where
03 is the reference for how I picture myself - while speaking of personal likes not in terms of desires or wishes, but identity.
While my passion basically favours Monica, but my Kink favours Amanda, one key part to the organization is what I do or will have
at hand. Those have their own way with things, while the idea effectively is to after all find a solid organization that works
out for all. Thus it is just fair and right to assume that someone who is entirely ... more or less ... not a part of it to be
the actual right one to basically be with - first of all. How that all is going to come together ... another time.
Stardate 55290.18142