Trying to be Realistic
Dr. Emmet Brown: "You have to think 4-Dimensional!" - and yea yea, I'm kindof a stubborn fool!
I do think that what I do here requires Balls - and I do believe that people who would read this around the time I write this, while all is still more or less just a fantasy, do get the idea! It is tough though. Am I certain? Or - when someone were to join me - and this issue came up - what would I do? I mean, in the end, I wouldn't take these things seriously! From what I can tell though, not going too much out of my way for finding any excuses or explenations or whatever, am I not effectively wasting my time! If I were wasting my time it would mean that I should do something else - which would require that as I want to do something - I could. Instead I'm sending myself back and forth, from game to concept to writing - until eventually it just makes click and ... well ... . A psychologist might wonder and in his language - if it isn't obvious by now: I'm menthally ill in the sense that I'm not making my decisions based on reasoning. I try to reason but get distracted by emotions. Desires that might be called a psychotic reaction to near-subconscious impulses that are however not totally subconscious anymore - which is probably the consequence of intensive dedication to them. Hmm, well, kindof.
And stuff - to say: Yes, although my attempt to sound like an educated psychologist did fail - there is a scientific, 'logical explenation' that basically expresses that I'm ill and I acknowledge! That is intensified by the belief that these impulses that I follow are divine guidance. I'm building a dream, one that once was tied to the requirements of deep immersion to a point where no mere mortal could re-construct my processes. And its gonna get worse! I would love to believe that my reactions aren't just the result of being jealous, or the product of trying to compensate for past traumas. - This is the attitude that I would have about me and what I'm doing for as long as nobody is giving a whoop about Enlightenment. There I might continue - although I guess that someone else might have a better 'logical explenation' of whats up with that than I could.
Because I was moved to cry tears of Joy (where I wrote that I got "Brandmarked" to believe in my Partner, thats that!) I am believing that this years Christmas is going to be a very very very joyful day for me - maybe not the day precisely but by that time ... so - logically - I'm preparing for the disappointment that this Christmas will so inevitably yield me; Thus basically compensating for the first part of the year and preparing for the next disappointment the latter part of the year - again! It definitely is sickening, basically to the point where I wish that I would just suffer a nervous breadown at some point and be wasted! So because effectively what I'm doint is nonsense! As nobody is willing to take this Enlightenment seriously, nothing is ever going to come from it - and while I would only make things worse by not realizing that this whole sexual stuff is an illusion - collateral damage is inevitable!
Here I should realize, because emotionally the right 'Kink-aligned' resolve were that my forehead is getting replaced by a vagina and a huge Humanoid Ox would use my Head to masturbate himself. At least this is what that colateral damage would feel like, which is where I begin to sweet-talk things. Thus I reason that I'm going to immerse myself to the point where my craving gets so strong that masturbation alone won't do the trick and would look for some way of getting my head squashed by something heavy or a bullet (but because I don't think I can acquire a gun its got to be the former).
Because I don't want to accept that I'm wrong about it, I'm still looking forward to Christmas. Thus my sober vision is mingling with vile desires again, and so I go on while wondering what else I'm supposed to do. Yet so these voices start talking: "Take care of your site!" (pointing out that some more apparent elaboration on the Mormon background would be a thing for the start) - but right now I have other business to attend to!
Confusion of Switching
That is the least of my concerns! But - it is naturally somewhat odd. Within BDSM we might say there are purists - so, either Submissive or Dominant - and there are Switchers/Bizzare ones, which says, it isn't all that clear. There I have the feeling that next to my desires to be female every notion of a male desire is taken like, well, my entire submissive side might be a hoax, something I say to appear harmless and controllable. On that basis the whole thing is more or less pointless as well and that because my submission wouldn't proof anything. I guess, here's my Stockholm at full effect, saying: Its going to be difficult for me to shake these oppressive "voices". It is though only normal: The more extreme my Kink is, the more urgent is a resolution within some counter-balance. If its balanced and all well - the nonense is rather to not do it. Yet so it should be apparent to me that I'm crazy because I'm playing around with the idea of 'extreme Kinks' as though it were a possibility. But still I'm a Christian and thus want to believe in human goodness - on which basis I'm hypothesizing that its gonna be well because trying to get the most out of it would always come along with watching out for each others well being.
And here is the dilemma! At this point my paradoxy is revealed because I recognize my well-being in darkness, so it should be apparent that I'm following some self-destructive motivation. This do I however not do by demanding a certain kind of treatment, but by encouraging sadistic emotions within people I'm attracted to. Like I 'fall' into my submission/masochism I expect them to 'fall' into their dominance/sadism. As I realize that I from time to time feel like redeemed from it, I expect that they from time to time are being redeemed from theirs. As I so still continue to justify my belief, it is evident that I'm looking forward to making Kink socially acceptable.
To begin with doing so I'm going to elaborate on my newest finding.
The Spouse as Central Node-point
Intro Sequence
So, I've been ignoring whom I think my Spouse would be and browsed through my Hentai images to find those that I feel would make up my wife. At some point I couln't ignore that I thought to know who she is, but, while it is taken to be an illusion anyway its yet about the emotions in play. I gathered them to write something about 'How I feel about my Wife'. This is simply based on my gender triangulation in reference to what I understand as my sexual joy. So, like someone might do who doesn't know who she is. It is in this sense so simply the exploration of the dream - that ideal - if I could make her up.
While at first I should be sorry in case I expose someone elses privacy too far. But since it should be obvious that all of my wifes are at some point supposed to be a bit like that, well, its ... just, natural! Next - if you've been reading it as well - 'no exception' isn't entirely without exception where the idea is that when I'm alone with one of my partners, individual rules apply.
Issues:
a) What I've done
b) Making it less pseudo-pragmatic
This is effectively the through-print of 'one' emotion - although at some point it twists around. The bit 'dilemma' is that starting from how the relationship "begins" and iterating towards more and more of it, the relationship doesn't or wouldn't work anymore. I guess that it can be a common issue that when following the logic of an emotion one comes to the point where the thing cannot be continued or resolved to a happy ending. Painting it black and white, the initial logic would have to end the other way around - so - me being the owner and she'd be the pet. It might help to just draw the line that simple, so, without changing the sub/dom setup. As it is the point here to say how I feel about my wife it is supposed to end that way - within a marriage. Connecting the the two points, marriage and the straight line, does however not comply to the feeling.
In case it got confused: The initial line is the setup of the emotion. Kink doesn't really matter - while - the further logic that I have to elaborate the details shouldn't put anyone off as being too complex. The complexity is a side-effect of simply first of all just getting the emotions down. At first, to approach it from a different angle, there is what I would call the 'hallmark' of this specific kind of relationship: A soft, light and peaceful feeling that is - as I've written elsewhere - free of loyalties. So, the feeling itself doesn't impose a loyalty to the given individual so that "mating with others" doesn't feel wrong. The only exception therefrom is in regards to the position of this relationship, alas, there can be no other spouse - in that sense.
From there the initial attraction becomes more specific. While it would seem that I am the dominant person at first, that is basically a misconception. The point is that I am submissive from the start, it is only so that she is aligned to my Lust. Lust is a natural thing - it is 'active'. So basically the first part is about my Lust and the different angles of perception onto it. On the one end she is the sub, on the other I am. All of it is made dependent on her - so that if she wouldn't want it to happen I'd be forced to the ground. That it works out for both is a matter of 'the Synergy'.
As it shows - for it to become a wedding it needs a clear bottom line. One might also want to start there, or so using it as a second end to work towards a middle. So, I might also start there and come to the point that when I find myself submissive only, something's missing. There is a 'but' of Lust that I want to be fulfilled.
The social tie-in
The way I draw myself in the end does effectively correspond to my Kink - the general idea. Like 'wedding' is finally a 'final statement', the implied product is equally a way of comming to a point. So, if someone is switching there, that is perfectly alright! I however am not. Where I write about 'my sexual properties', well, its complicated! It is my point to 'not' make any demands, where, saying that I'm supposed to be 'female' is eventually though like a demand. That it doesn't matter, well, isn't all that simple either! Following the idea of obeying her every will it is required that her desires are compliant to mine. That is also why I believe that the verbalization is only supplemental/of secondary importance - so - it is finally the emotion that needs to be right to make it perfect; That so in terms of 'who' it is. Saying that this is effectively also a celebrity puts me off a bit. It might literally be anyone - where then basically the bigger issue would be that - so in example of it being Amanda Tapping - there are social ties that she has; And assuming that its mutual the big question will be: How to accomplish transitions from one way of life into another.
The Bible holds a verse in store, or, being more tolerant even more. It says at some point though that 'He' (Christ) didn't come to bring peace, but to bring the sword, to cut families apart. One will simply have to follow the own heart and say: Well, this is now whats up! Live with it or don't!
Anyway - what so matters at the end is that there is my Kink - where so only one question remains to call it solid or not: Does it fit into hers or not? If not then it would be just my Kink, otherwise its mutual and thus it will finally be so that there is no way out! As part of my Kink it matters to me that I am that way - so - thereby also relating that way to 'the One', my Partner and the Forced One. The idea is that there is a point where its only 'one' reality - so - ignoring all 'alternating nonsense' - so that me is me, she is she, he is he - and done! This is here described as 'the public side of the wedding' - which should be a familiar concept!
Socially Acceptable?
From where-ever I would start to think, the end is there! Thus, wherever I would begin, I would end there after all! So, the logic goes that it can't be right to make this point dependent on any other - if, then thats just a matter of fate being kind or not. In this sense my relation to anyone is to at some point exist around this wedding - to say: It is 'finally' that specific situation that matters - while anything else can be done seperately and independently. What I mean is that in terms to my passion it is that I finally relate to 'the One' (of me) from that position, while in terms of the One there is an independent reality with a story that ties me to my wife. If I wouldn't know her and just met her after getting married the idea that she would be my Mother is a bit odd, because well, I never met her before! But that doesn't matter when the feeling tells. In this sense the marriage is simple. It is focussed around describing the very own Kink as product, which is tied into the wedding ceremony which yet has to be formulated. Every subsequent relationship does then have to somehow be attached to it to make a transition of locality logically possible. Because this is a social activity, it only works when regarded as social standard rather than just play.
Hereto I have to notice that the 'rollplay' of comming together - which is obviously taken away from real life because the story is written already - isn't important - which is also what the previous paragraph pointed out in regards to everyone else as well. So does the story itself also only have a narrow, hypothetical link into a possible wedding. Here I could argue that a proper wedding ceremony would require a social environment wherein it is being recognized, which finally makes an awefully large amount of sense! A wedding ceremony is a way of showing the world ones personal belonging, but still does it not seem to be right! It is possibly desirable, but from case to case still individualistic enough to say that it has to begin, naturally, much sooner!
But yea, so, ... at first we'd anyway need a Church to be in so we can get the whole Baptism and Enlightenment procedures done - and then I first would have to meet her. We'd be getting along the way we'd do - to eventually come to the point where we'd consider getting married. So well, things do slowly come together. ... lol in deed!
Anyway ... short story told long, the end is finally the conscious adaptation thereof where the terms of the wedding have to be formulated. As I couldn't find the way while writing about my feelings, I can't find it here. Considering that it might be normal that one does already take the first step well knowing where it might end, the story doesn't take us into wedding-history, but into a simple proposal, right away. In case it wasn't obvious so far that my mind is twisted, ..., now it might be - since - all of a sudden my mind jumped - making me formulate a proposal that however begins with 'the One'.
Now I have to reconsider though - a little - where the proposal is a matter of a formulation where the one can now either be present or not. It is to setup the scene for a proposed meeting where the two would then meet on the pre-determined basis ... where the only thing missing is a way to make it less complicated.
So - change of frame: The idea is that we have a large and strong church, I'm just some guy and just had an epiphany about who my spouse should be. I thought about it - checked the guidelines to be sure - and now I can't shake the thought. So I have to work with the Holy Spirit to formulate ... my question for a date. Worse case scenario: I never met her before and she knows absolutely nothing about me - except that she herself might wonder - that IF, which is something I'm not entirely sure about, these major relationships are 'mirror-valid', so, that my spouse spouses me, my one ones me, etc.. So - because we have no Church-dating Network yet, this has to do - and - I will take my time to think about it and add what I came up with when I've gotten what I would have.
Stardate 55290.29349