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Stardate 55287.87
I generally resort to writing when I cannot resolve internal conflicts.
A new chapter, another page, just a segment, paragraphs ... what's it all about? The one moment things are clear, the very next moment everything's confusing again ... and in the end everything returns back to normal. That's what my life is like and it makes me wonder how come that anything has changed at all.
In retrospective - if anything changed at all - there's knowledge, people surrounding me, people I liked to be surrounded by, the environment, ... reality thus as I have seen and come to see it.
I'm conflicted 'now' because the meaning of this is intransparent as of yet ... and even after all is "said" and "done";;; Maybe you're going to interprete too much into this; Or otherwise not enough to understand my confusion. I was basically just wondering, thinking that once something is going on in my life that I want to communicate I "still" haven't got any efficient way to express that which is on my mind while effectively I do, so I figured, and hence came to this.
The thing is that sometimes I get confused about myself in the light of this page. Sometimes I don't really care - it would seem - and thus just "throw up" whatever there is, but some other times I'm disturbed as I feel awkwardly condemned to silence.
Then, whenever I actually just want to write about something I come to things like this ... that I "have to" first explain existence and the universe before I may even speak a single word about what bothers me. I guess that's what happens when I loose the thought on my mind and so for once the file is opened and waiting to get filled I come to wonder about what bothers me; Or I otherwise just wonder about how to ...
Well, suggestively - theory - whatever!
I don't know, but it's interesting. I for instance just came to figure that basically I'm in a mood to celebrate, saying - yea - actually I do feel like celebrating but then I look around me ... and well - to skip on the whole social aspect ... the thing is ... right now I'm out of money and just earlier this day felt the withdrawal of vitamins, saying, I don't feel well otherwise as well.
Basically ... I don't want to pretend as though there aren't folks here and there that would read the things on my site with a little bit more or less information here and there ... which means that I right now have to accept that withdrawing myself from writing these texts might be the better way, however, that's I guess the point. To these I would write that, to those something else ... but yea, all in all I don't have to tell anyone anything actually.
But I still feel like it.
If I'm lucky I'm getting 'convergently aligned', which means, that I for some reason have a problem with myself so that I want to write something that I however cannot get there by the conventional means and as luck has wanted there then comes to be something else that somehow meets the demands and so I get to hit two issues at once sotospeak.
But who cares?
I mean, I just recently read through some of the magenta stuff and I kindof got a headache from it although I must say that there are parts here and there that are quite interesting yet. And yea, that's what the magenta color is there for. It is to on the one side keep readers away while on the other providing more or less un-necessary information to those that are yet ... well ... bored for instance. So I basically come to rediscover what I had on mind originally and that somehow joins this whole "new Chapter" issue.
I know, not for a fact but am yet quite certain, that my mind is weird ... saying ... I tend to forget what I did just "two days ago", or within the scope of in about 4 days ... yep ... come to refocus and whenever I feel more sober than before when I get into something its like a new chapter. But its not generally that way. This time I have come to an end with certain things ... that end is basically represented within the Artificial Intelligence subtopic - at least so far (first three images) - while the third of these already resembles another step forward but it still is at the end of that "Bubble" of my own activity. Now that that is closed a certain environment is gone from my mind and I again have time for something else.
Thereby, more or less, everything wherein I somehow depend - by my own oppinion - on somebody else is somehow closed and solved to the point where I only need to wait ... meaning that right now I'm - I like the picture of the Destiny (Stargate Universe) at the end of Season 1 (the Last season at all :( ) where it starts to leave the Galaxy and enters "the void". So, at some point, that were the actual end to this Chapter - but I do generally not like to see myself waiting in vain so ... I'm confused.
I have solved it to myself that I by my own efforts will never make it anywhere, but neither that I will ever be not just by myself - which is already concluded within the point that I by myself will never make it anywhere - while being not just by myself anymore would already be corresponding to having made it somewhere. I guess there is one place yet that I could make it to, the Church, but that again wouldn't take me any further. I see that since at the end I have to believe that the biggest problem about me is that I am a Mormon - actually - which is the big dilemma about everything so that naturally the way back to the church is the simple thing; Or - the only thing while I still mention the book of Mormon at any rate. Confusing ... because there I have begun ... to have found people that Understand the existence of God on a pragmatic Level but ... then most of them - at least I can't really tell of one that doesn't/didn't - don't really dare to look beyond their own confines and that is true throughout my journey from A to now.
Long story told short: I have come to an end where there are no more ways left for me to be bothered by - effectively - which however also somehow does say that I'm done ... at least so for the point of eventually making it anywhere; To say - it's more or less pointless to keep trying. I understand that I eventually am too pessimistic, but naturally that shouldn't change anything if I don't allow my actions to be determined thereby.
But well, logically, this weird confusing no matter how logically stupid situation needs to offer a way onward ... somehow. I made my life to my own laboratory, sotospeak; I have come to this point and can very clearly sort things into a couple of drawers - leaving the entire pessimistic nonsense aside. Talking of straight ways - I can stop doing this and find myself a job and from there on see how much time I got left to eventually do the one thing or the other. So ... that is a more or less certain way out of this "Bubble", more or less because if I can't find a job then I can't ... but well ... . More and more my life is urging towards that, leaving less and less options for myself to still explore, thus - as far as that is concerned - there is no need to be menthally bothered by it. If that is going to happen anyway then there were no need to think of something else either, but here we so come to the core of the thing/problems themself.
There are points in my past where I have been conflicted about which way I should go, but nontheless I cannot help but Understand that I never really had another choice - or so in the better way of presenting the matter: I did what I did because my heart, my convinction, my faith, belief ... whatever ... made me go that way, I thought, felt, believed that it was the right way. I guess it was or is in this "oppinion" that I generally do have a similar perception of life in general - saying that I enjoyed the idea that most of my life would just be predetermined in some way; But ... let's leave that aside for now.
There in some way I want or have to compare/metaphorize/visualize/present my life like a Bridge. There was that moment back then where I have begun to leave the existent ways in order to follow "my own" - as that way has begun to lead me away from common ones. Hence since then there also is the supposed other end of the Bridge - and being generally convinced of that and myself/what-I-do I needed to agree to the concept that it is one of the things I do that would eventually be the key to getting there - thus - comparing the Bridge to the production-time of something.
At least so it finally makes sense either way that while I have things on my mind to do I will need the time to do them - while by the time or when I'm done ... things will somehow have to conclude.
... maybe I discovered a new way of Panicking, which is the easy and calm way of doing so.
So, that looks like this, where I ... well - I may even have once had a dream I might tell of that would describe the situation somehow. It was a very weird dream though. I however still have a perspective - but eventually it all will have to resolve within something like a miracle, not a miracle per se but something un-expected ... or while it so is not entirely un-expected still something off the screen. The dream was weird enough for me to be somehow incapable of or overwhelmed to accurately describing it except for the one scene there ... where I was inside of a building, opened a door, and beyond that door there was outer space, the stage where most of the dream happened; Being somehow in a nebula that was somehow walkable. There so were "islands" that were somehow consistent within this weird space while nothing was really properly connected.
So there are these possibilities but while I disregard the one where things will just conclude without me actually doing anything to it - it may be some sort of panic to then go and think of a possible, different answer.
The dream was like that, somehow, where at some point ... well - let's forget about it ... wasn't that important anyway.
Just waiting for things to somehow conclude on their own was never really a part of my belief; Thus naturally that isn't really an option - or as previously stated - nonsense to think about.
To find a way through this I used to look at the things I still have (had) on my mind to do. Each 'thing' thereby somehow corresponds/ed to its individual end, which got more and more clear until now while now it is very clear. At the beginning of this year I was hardcore diving into my Crystals project and eventually came to an end where I was able to setup a more realistic time-frame, expectation-wise, at least so to say that it'll possibly take me longer than I assumed or in other words: I'll rather be done later than sooner.
Acknowledging that meant to also lean back and give it some more time to breathe which means that I don't really have to expect anything to come from that any soon. Similarly would anything else I could look into also be a bit more of a struggle and in all that my mind has come to generally find a more peaceful spot for itself, but, while so comming to relax a little I have come to notice that that kind of action is also growing odd to myself. So any accomplishments I could think of moved into the distant, beyond the 'cirtical point', while, if that is ever going to come to any accomplishment(s) at all - it is up to what happens during this 'critical period'. So, in general, the Jobcenter is urging me to find a job and that eventually means an end to this all for some time.
With this 'critical point' taking conscious shape within my mind I also come to adapt to it, saying that I don't "flash" myself into work that I feel to not fit into the period of time from now to then. Thus there is also a certain void taking shape, which also means that sometimes I don't really find anything to do while I potentially have still enough, plenty and more to do. Thus, when so thinking of any other way but the inevitable I found myself lost - somehow - while right now, so while I still can, I still resist to accept it to be a legitimate option. So, if that will be what will be then I can accept it and hence integrate it into my reason; While, since that would once generalized be another 'dilemma-topic' I still would have to figure its significance. So, technically, I even do already have work to do in case the worse-case scenario were to happen; Although - eventually - the direction into which this all would then take shape might be a little odd - but that's a problem that isn't practically real right now.
Within this void I have come to find things to occupy my mind with, one thing - the primary major sotospeak - has thereby however concluded in some way and so there is now void again that I'm curious to fill with something. While this takes place I however think that I have found a way ... and the general logic of it is that while any of the many ways could be potentially the one that finally works, each of those is also potentially destined to fail! Naturally the big picture of it all would suggest that each of them is finally going to succeed, but, I haven't found a way to duplicate myself yet - thus - each in its time.
To be more specific, the issue to me is that I either way have to somehow squeeze myself into a specific form - while otherwise I don't and when I don't (squeeze in) things are possibly going to take longer than I want them to. I however do not find the energy nor the inspiration to do so; Which takes me now back into that prophetic dream that I quite often came to report of. It began with someone stealing something from me, I chased after him but as he got to a gap he jumped it with a jetpack, I followed but my jetpack was broken and hence I fell into that pit. Through some mysterious way, Capcom had something to do with it, I safely landed on the ground and there then two doors opened. To the left SG1 opened a door, but apparently it wasn't time yet while to the right some Capcom officials came in and we were shaking hands. Here each door does correspond to a set of ideas or inspirations that I have. Now I however don't feel fit for either way - which sortof means to me that I'm at an end here. Making sense of it the story turns out to be that this dream gave me a focus. The day I've had it made me wake up and I remembered almost nothing of it. I had a few images that made me interprete some way into it. After I got back from L.A. some parts came back to memory where one part has been fulfilled as what happened in L.A. and the other part gave me some new directions. At first I was in the Mormon Church and was instructed to clean the mess up that I had caused ... so ... I remained in the church until I eventually had come to an end. The next thing was the Capcom logo floating in the Library there while so at the end it were also the Capcom people that finally shook my hands. There-after the dream changed into the final scene that was part of the things that I still remembered after waking up. So, focus on Capcom was the deal ... but now ... well, what?
There was some guy, so that was at the bottom of that pit after the Capcom officials shook my head, who stepped into something like an Elevator, but the door closed - while - I identify him as someone I met on one of the Capcom Forums by whom I have come to get me this domain. He mentioned a provider in some thread and I couldn't shake the thought thereafter anymore. Well, anyway ...
The broken Jetpack ... that is exactly the same problem as the one I got now ... being that I'm not having whatever I'd need to put my ideas and inspirations into a submittable form. While - so I see it - "the enemy" just needs to mention a stupid idea and it might turn into a Hollywood Blockbuster I have to work my ass off for eventually nothing and yet nothing again. If I there have to blame anything ... well ... I have to thank the Lord, somehow. As my cousin once told me, on a piece of art: "Failure doesn't mean that God has abandoned you, it means that he has a better idea!". For once it is in my nature somehow that I find a hard time settling on anything ... while ... whenever I intend to formulate anything final I can't withdraw myself from dropping into Research and spinning around to iron the last remaining Kinks out and thereby eventually haven't come to an end this far; While eventually some final key-inspirations were/are still missing. Then I guess there is also the plan of God who didn't plan that to happen, duh, which means that my time is right away better spent not being bothered by trying something that isn't supposed to happen. But, what is to happen?
I've got an answer, for myself. I came to express it as best compared to 'the Ninth Gate' movie, where there is that gate at the end - some ruined castle in the middle of nowhere with basically nothing remotely special about it, except a certain beauty - while so the way to get there wasn't really an easy one at any point in the movie.
Strange ... the first time I mentioned that movie - so in correspondence to Enlightenment - I didn't really remember or so think about the polite little fact that the hints in the movie have supposedly been provided by the Devil himself. So ... which is another thing ... where I simply do look at different things than the reader might suspect. The best comparison to that would be the Matrix Trilogy. I always had the feeling that when I ... advertised ... the movies to someone it was always taken as - well - as everybody ... I mean ... some people make a huge giantific metaphor out if where everything has possibly some weird and strange meaning but at the end of the day it to me is simply a nice epic. Well granted, there are things here and there that possibly exceed beyond that definition; But such belongs into every story. In my own mind I'd say that someone is crippled who cannot simply see Neo in Neo but needs to figure and interprete some sort of religious meaning into him. I ... may even have ... something ...
In Matrix Reloaded, the scene where Neo speaks with the Oracle, ... there are things. In and of itself that conversation may be interpreted many ways ... while it has its own integral meaning within the Lore of the movies. These interpretations can be called "Hacks". Thereto I have a very special "Hack" which is exactly about this issue.
Oracle: "Well, come on, I ain't gonna bite ya; Come around here and let me have a look at 'ya"
"My goodness, look at You! You have turned out all right, didn't you! ... How do you feel?"
Neo: "I ..."
Oracle: "I know you're not sleeping, ... we'll get to that! ... Why don't you come and have a sit this time?"
Neo: "Maybe I will stand"
Oracle: "Well, suit yourself"
[Neo sits down]
Now, all this so far isn't really important for this hack. There might be a crapton of things one might ...
Neo: "I felt like sitting"
Oracle: "I know. ... So, let's get the obvious stuff out of the way"
Here we begin. Obvious, isn't it? We can take a look into the first movie where Mouse talks to Neo about Tasty Wheat. The issue is, that if the Movie were now any inspired, how much of it can be trusted? If the authors or someone in the chain got something wrong it would be spoiled somehow, so the issue, as in other words: "How did the Machines know what tasty wheat tasted like?".
Neo: "You're not Human, right?"
Oracle: "Well its tough to get any more obvious than that!"
Neo: "If I had to guess, I'd say you're a program from the machine world ... so is he"
Oracle: "So far so good"
Neo: "But if that's true, that could mean that you're a part of the System; Another kind of control"
Oracle: "Keep going"
Neo: "I suppose the most obvious question is: How can I trust you?"
Oracle: "Bingo! It is a pickle, no doubt about it!"
Where we might jump in and expand the entire Tasty Wheat idea into something further - where instead of simply just not knowing what the inspiration were, some would intentionally provide misguiding information that someone might take for granted.
Oracle: "Bad news as there's no way if you can really know whether I'm here to help you or not; So it's really up to you!"
OK, so, where is this going? I could keep going and make a nice little presentation of it, but I won't. As provided it takes a bigger aim at the entire deception thing, but I mention it here because as far as I'm going to tell both come back to the point where it is up to the viewer to avoid being emotionally "taken". In the deception story the problem is about hype and such things, while in general there are two influences: Internal and External ones. The objective is to remove the own self from the external ones to so perceive the internal ones more clearly. Some movies may for instance be designed to be amazing while your engaged into it, it keeps going from one action into the other and the viewer barely notices what the movie is actually about; Sotospeak.
But ... that's enough for this I guess.
So however one may understand the depth at which perceptual differences may reside. So I could for instance write an essay about how the diabolic elements within the ninth gate don't matter to me ... so along the lines of "You believe in Kharma?" "Kharma is a word!" [What matters is the Connection the word implies]; In essence the conflicts should in my oppinion however be automatically resolved when the viewer understands to not spoil the essence of philosophical implications when put into a certain context. I mean, basically the new Testament is a diabolic product more than any other ... so that every heretic technically is a saint and that can then be overdrawn into even so using the Devil as enemy to the Roman Catholic Church, thus basically being - once put onto an even plane - a metaphor for Christ.
In a similar sense this "new way" eludes the way as projected by that prophetic dream. It is thereby not even issued ... in which sense I understand that it was just about directions and that so when arriving at the end of it ... well ... the only question remains what the new direction were. I could thus turn left or right, but like I always only then came to remember when it had been time - I figured this point of view just after I had figured a way. It does thereby work a little bit like finding excuses then, but, those that watch a lot of movies and TV should know that at the end of every riddled way there is "the Devil" trying to convince the protagonist that the right way isn't actually right. Like so, is it "the 9th gate" or is it Capcom? How do I determine the True way?
Well, right now, the closest thing should be: Who comes first draws first! - which is also the most meaningful or pragmatic way since that are the rules of my life right now. Too simple?
So, about this "new way", it is basically everyhing but ... - although naturally there are some major or minor convincing things about it. And what doesn't fit will be made fit ... sotospeak. The thing effectively is that within this void of the past, Gods behavior has taught me certain things, so, making various things, little by little significant until at the end of the day I couldn't logically avoid accepting it as a way. Then it makes sense ... like where I was in L.A. I was once laying there on my cot, staring up, and so there was this Hallucination - to define it neutrally - of some figure of Light floating above me and thereby representing a factor or part to my entire story that I at that time and further also for the most time wasn't aware of. If it isn't obvious or common sense, here a hint: "How many people keep Silver Bullets in their guns?".
Technically so this can be used as argument in regards to the whole Seal of the One/Matrix-2-Reloaded stuff. If I so for instance knew a song or the program running on TV I could align my behavior so that it would seem like I'm somehow convergently aligned - which were so not even wrong, but it were still artificial. This argumentation could be compared to a Silver Bullet - with enough ignorance or arrogance at least - while then again M2R were the ultimate Silver Bullet. Bam! The thing is that the entire scene in the movie does also somehow make a topic of it, so: Persephone enters the room and is already determined to shoot one of those guys while so in the movie that runs in the background that Vampire is looking all scary; As something like an Omen, but who could really tell?
Within reason, that is my conclusion, I come to many and no ends; Thus I must resort to the one thing that is certain - which then at the far end of the road isn't a matter of choice but a matter of trust; Like - would I not go that way because I actually believed another to be the right one? That's the thing because in the other sense I'd go any way that offered itself to me; Thus - at the end - it's again about choice; But not exactly. It's about knowing the way!
Thus so I'm now entering this chapter called "the Void pt. 2" - and - I guess I'll see where it ends when it ends! If I had to guess, then Fall this year I'm going to move - and next year'll be super awesome! At least that's what I see ... where on the one hand I have made experiences that confirmed changes that I had foreseen and on the other hand there now is Light where previously I've seen mostly dark, and since so far the dark has been what happened where I've seen it ... I suppose that this Light is going to be there. It might be anything though ... but it still feels good - so ... for me. Has something to do with movies ... so ... either I'll get some place in some school or it is something else. Maybe a production or just ... a rest-image from what I have been aiming at during the time I first got the positive impression of that time. This 'moving' is also so the epi-center of that 'critical point' ... which means, since I'm not 100% sure, "if" I'm moving, "where" would be the interesting thing. Since it does however now strangely align with the measurements done by the Jobcenter it might as well be that ... we'll see!
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