The Seed in Time

Take a look ahead - into the future. There will need to be the Tree - where the Tree is metaphoric. But, how is it there? If you so need to wonder: 'Why' - why what - why "now", the answer is: There will need to be a Seed for the Tree to grow. Without a Seed, no Tree. A Seed however will take time to grow. If then, when we need the Tree, no Seed has been planted, no Tree will there be either!


Stardate 55291.21643

Why, why, why

OK, things are said. But what does that mean?

"You've already made the choice! Now you have to Understand it!"

Is it relevant? Do you understand what I mean? A lot of things are said. So, you now should follow my instructions carefully. Take out a sheet of paper and draw a small circle in the center. [Break, Pause, do it, give it some space and time -> Zen]. That circle is you. So, the previous chapter was speaking of something. Try to reflect upon how to draw that stuff on that paper. A suggestion were that on the top-center you draw something like a gate and you draw an arrow from the circle to that gate. Behind that Gate there is that tree - that still will need to be planted.

Now you flip the page around, so the empty backside shows up, and you draw that circle that is you again. Now, at that gate you draw a person, a line-man, which is -[somebody]-. You can write down next to it: [Who?] - and connect it via line to that figure. But you'll know that as of me, I'd say that figure were me, so, you look at it and think that it were me. Now, between me and you you draw some chaotic lines corresponding to a crowd. So you can draw a few circles in there. Now you should attempt to draw a line from yourself to me, but before it arrives at the crowd it turns left or right and as it does so you draw another circle and give that circle a name. But, now you draw a few more circles around that bent arrow.

Next to that crowd, those circles that bent the line, you can note statements that support that direction, stuff like: Irrelevant. Now, from that crowd that blocks the way you need to draw arrows that go into the direction of the second crowd - like wind that bends the line even further.

Why? Why is that happening? I'll start this way and in the end, that question will stand there different than it does now. So, I ask: Why?. The Wind that blows is carrying a message, you can note it down, so, where the arrows end. One extreme will be that the message goes like: "It isn't happening, it is just an illusion", another extreme is that the message goes like: "I'm nobody worth taking care of". So you turn the sheet around again.

That is however what I told you - and, next to the straight arrow you can note down things, like a list, that are basically supporting you in going that way - neutrally - regardless of who says what and so forth. Note at first 'the Testimony'. Logic and Reason could be there next. On the other side of the Line you should note down things that stop you from going that way, logically and reasonably. So: Why?, When? and How? for instance.
Anyway, because so you would go, draw a fire that burns that gate down and turn the sheet around again.

Now, draw some arrows from the crowd that blocks the way onto me. Draw a few curved arrows from it to another circle that you should draw somewhere on the free space where the line bends, and from it again arrows scattered into your direction. Now, it is difficult to find any space for a message from me on there. Lets say I'll give you my address - or so. Now, whatever, the more we now might want to add to it - doesn't matter - since all it takes is to draw water between the crowd that blocks the way and me - water that is rising, so, drawing some arrows to show that. Also draw a curved line connecting me and that other new circle, and note [=?] to that line.

Now the question is that: Why? Tick, Tack, Tick, Tack. Wait for it, look at it. Once you're done looking at it, draw a cage around me. Turn the page around.

I told you something, and that doesn't answer your questions about me. But there, there they will be answered. Now well, I admit, the final connection between me and that gate, those are to be drawn by you. Below that circle, draw a balance-measurement-scale-thing-device. Like the one Justicia holds and draw it so that one end is down and the other is up. You draw another line-man next to the bowl that is up, and a bunch of circles in the one that is down. Next to the one that is up you then write: [Why?=Why!]. Turn the page around again.

Now, think of something that you got or know that would help you open that cage I'm in - and draw it somewhere in shape of something, a key maybe. Now you can draw a line from yourself to that key, and then start plotting a course towards the cage. What happens?
Draw another crowd chaos that blocks the line after you leave the key, one that does just a little bit block your way to the key. And now draw a house around that Key. Around that House, where there is space, draw a Garden. In the middle of it, draw something that is supposed to be a dirt-hole - obviously - something where a Tree might get planted. So, now, draw horizontal lines to separate the space where I'm on from the space where you're on - so - left and right of the crowd that blocks the way. Now, on the top left write down: [Who is He?]. Now, in that crowd that blocks the way you need to draw a giant. Now draw something that is supposed to be a shaddow the giant casts and it reaches all the way up to the cage. Now you need to draw a figure that emerges from that shaddow, another giant - or so - the shadow image of the giant. Now you have to connect me and that shadow image with another [=?] line. Now, left of the crowd that blocks the way, on that line, you need to draw something that is supposed to be an army. You can help yourself out by drawing a banner it would hold. Draw a Smiley on that banner. Where there is still space, below the area where the bent arrow leads to, draw another figure with a huge cock - or boobs - depends on what you are and are into. You can connect me with that figure through another [=?] line, but also a line leading to a [!=] (! in IT means 'not') since I want to add that it is a manifestation of my fear.

Now you bend the bent line a bit further, leading straight down to the bottom, and halfway down or so you need to start stippeling it and draw a point before it reaches the bottom. Draw a Questionmark above that point/circle and make the hole in the garden a bit bigger and darker. Now again, the motive is there - but as it goes - something right away happens to take it the other way. Whatever that is - draw a few scattered lines from that point into direction garden and up, and at each end of the arrow another point with a question-mark. Now, what is that supposed to tell you?

Now, turn the page around again. Draw a Horizontal Line at the joint of the balance. Below you write [Normal Life], and above you write [???]. Then you connect the [???] to the reasons you have to follow that arrow, and the reasons against it to the [Normal Life]. Below the reasons to go that way you open big [brackets], and write into it: [Gods Holy Army needs you! Are you ready?] Now, with that on mind, you picture the divine energy you should behold like a sword and you strike it - so the arrow that leads to the gate will be ignited. So, draw flames around that arrow that also surround the Gate. Turn the page around. Now you draw a few shiny lightning arrows from me - like a Halo and an arrow from me towards you that is also on fire. That is this message.

Now, on the bottom, you draw a bed and that person with big cock or boobs, however, on that bed, so, an arrow from that figure to the bed is enough. Then, above the cage, you draw a cloud and rain comming down from it. Turn the page around.

Here, where on the other side there is the bad, draw a dungeon or pit or cage - something with bars that looks uncomfortable - and perhaps so a torch and some spider-webs. That is what we call 'Sensuality' or 'Temporary Pleasures'. So write: ["Bliss"?] next to that. Now you can look at it and wonder whether that rainbow that seems to appear within it is real or if that Atmospheric Energy is just some sort of appearance of Stress.

Now you can fold it, still adding some things depending on how you feel - however: The question was: Why? Why would someone do all those things to keep you away from me? Now, all those other answers to 'Why?' - are they proven? Evident? "They don't need to be!" - because - why? I need to make my way? But whats the difference? Whats the difference between You now and some arbitrary Person later? What is it going to be? [???] or [Normal Life]? Its worthy of a conscious Decision rather than throwing a dice. Is there another way? An Alternative? I'd say in about as much as: One thing about the Testimony is awesome: If it is against me, I can't be the right guy! Another thing: It makes something as someone having a message less ambigous in these times of nonsense everywhere. The one wind that Blows tells you right away: "There are so many liars!" - well, certainly trying to suggest that someone just holding a message isn't enough! But I'll assume you've gotten here and so, all issues regarding God helping me or not should be answered as well! Now - technically I here find a place, we can put it like a virtual desk, where we can talk about things. But if you put those emotions in your heart that take you away into it, it will fall apart. So were the way you act, and do you really need to tell me that Sex or Sensuality isn't their main motivator? Were it true?
Now, how about that: Whether you Love me or not isn't the main or a main issue here!? Now, if I really would ask you as the first thing to suck my cock, you might as well go, right!? Now well, take another piece of paper. Now, draw a stick-man and draw something like thorns and all kind of stuff, splinters and everything, in its head - like purposefully to describe a horribly blinded person. Now draw a circle around it, and now try to draw a dent comming from it, suggestively expanding that bubble to draw a way. There, draw a barrier at the end. Draw some circles around that barrier. Now, on the away side of the barrier, away from me, draw a square, so, something that is supposed to be the place where the barrier is on. On that place you draw an X, like X marks the spot. Now, think about it, that place would be that House you drew previously. So we can at least describe: If you can't make way for me now, how can you later?
So, draw a line through that dent to say 'cut'. Now you draw another bulb and at its end you draw a Book. At the top left or somewhere next to the sphere surrounding me you write: [Who?]. Now, what can I say? If you demanded Truth, there you go! But what does it change? What does it matter to You? So, draw another bulb, another way, another barrier, but this time a barrier that is open, another place and this time a circle. This is to say: Now well, maybe there is a place. I've been many ways - but where is this? Anyway, now you draw a spaking bubble from me that says "Nooo!" and increase the blindness there. Now draw hand-cuffs next to that open barrier. I'll note: If you can't give it to me now, how will you give it to me later? So you draw another line through that bulb to say 'cut', this one is from me. But, now, how to remove the blindess? Draw another bulb to another circle in the middle and a fat arrow from the first to the new. In the new one draw a face with big eyes and a smile. This is 'now'. There you can so picture all the bad things that could happen to this - to me, to the good image, anything.
So I 'moved' without "moving". Einstein might laugh about it - and of course - according to the Theory of Relativity we're always moving - even in terms of Newton we might say that. We are at all times moving through spacetime - and yet is it so that a counter force upholds the suggestion that we're not. If you take that fat arrow as a time-scale - you would yet find anyone else equally trivial unless adding another dimension of depth to it - to say: What he/she does. "For a living". So, draw a line through that fat arrow to say 'cut' - this time from out of nowhere - and draw a hanging-rope down from it around the faces neck. This is another counter-force that "negates" Gravity, but this time, its lethal. The deeper you draw that depth-dimension, the more likely the ground below my feet would so be too far for me to stand on, and adding demand to that - it's like furthermore pulling me downwards. Or is it really so that you'd do me a favour thereby? Increasing my Potential and stuff - yea - but for what? You don't know? Stuff! Sciene! Whatever!? So, cross out the eyes, draw a grave below the head and note [R.I.s.] (s is for 'something') on it. Or P if you want. Next to that Grave write down: [Why?]. Turn the sheet around. Last image.

Draw two arrows that start at the same point, a straight one and one that curves away. On that straight line, from start to end, draw a book, then two tablets to represent the 10 commandments, a rose, a victory crest and a glass of wine. On the curved line draw glasses, a closed book, a field of flowers, two tuxedos, a document [like a diploma or something], and a glass of wine with some pills or cocaine lines next to it. These are just symbols - symbols to say: though the line of time is always straight - the things you put energy into it will determine your way. Now, you could argue with me about how what I say is equally bullshit and stuff all the way you wanted, so, draw two blurry circles - one at each arrows end. Those are the places where such discussions are going on. The one is where I'm at, the other one is where I'm not. You can pseudo-bridge the gap between the two circles by this page, but, it might take you both ways. However could this suggest that there would be a way through this screen - and anyway. In the circle the curved arrow leads to draw some bloodstains and maybe the outlines of a dead man. In the other one a grown tree. If you're asking 'why' - Why the result at the end of the straight arrow is good - is in simplicity that the things you did put energy into to keep the line straight are things that God will reward by helping you in those things because you've earned it! Now, on the circle at the end of the straight arrow draw a bulb and an open book in it. On the other circle draw a bulb with a dollar sign in it. That of course is my message! So, another one.

So, turning the thing around: Why? Why am I nobody? Maybe because you didn't bother to know it from God? Well, yea, it of course might be easy to just discard the thing - but somehow things will need to happen to change that! In case bad things would happen - there is a good reason and a bad result from it. The good reason is that it is just an adequate consequence to ignorance! The worse the better and the more tears the more satisfying; Anything that however doesn't benefit anyone. The bad result is that it could be used as argument - blaming "me" - and so the story just went darker.
So, at the Circle at the arrow that bends, draw a weight that pulls it into that direction. Next to it write: [Benefit of the Doubt]. At the other circle draw thought bubble/cloud and into that cloud write: [Wooo].

The Rose holds a Symbolic value of course. It may be a variety of things - but it is anything that comes along the way, deserves a bit of Love but might be a bit of a fiddly or - aggrovating thing somehow. Well, the recent days were for me filled with such things. Simple things! A Drum of empty DVDs isn't that difficult to handle. But eventually I "burned" the 4th DVD empty - apparently my Burner isn't capable of recording anything - and in some moment of being pissed I dropped the drum and instead of trying to fetch it as it was dropping on my belly I just gave a shit and tipped the last remainder over on the ground and ignored it for the time being. Same is going on with my notes that I did put on my bed because I needed the space where they were before and I was annoyed by it because I did it so often and I take care that everything is neat and tidy but I was sick of neat and tidy and just piled it up lovelessly on the ground. So, in the circle at the end of the straight line draw a demon face and in the other one a happy one. As I would have hopes or you at least would have to suggest them - draw the demon face so that it has a body and an arm that holds the other circle in his hands. Then draw it so that the demon is crunching that circle apart - and a speaking bubble from his face with a smiley in it. If you want you can add a few drops of blood comming from his mouth.

How? How would it ever be happening that something like that "Evil Game" can fall apart? Something that would seem like it is inside of it, a part of it, something that is part of its appearances that supports its strong faccade, needs to shift the balance of power. I can't do that! If I so became rich and famous, how were I not a part of it unless I broke it? Turning away? Breaking the rules? Sela! [Edit: Or ... well ... See the next Chapter]



Stardate 55291.20906
(Today/Yesterday was my Birthday! December the 6th!)

Sub-Commentary: Why, why, why

Yea, yea - I got you - you wanna be smart - ey?! I mean, I got it! I understand the whole concept of La-pee-daa - it'll be all fine and we'll be doing it and so forth. So, you'll be doing it - right! Its OK! Anyway. You are the pros and all that, you got your portfolios, called, top 10 titles, Hollywood movies, etc. - well - you ... did something! At least you earned cash and that is finally what's nobody capable of arguing with!

Yea, them celebrities again! I tell you! Its ... ahrw! I mean, you ordinary non-celebrity, you possibly are right! Its pointless! They don't even seem to understand the shit they're producing or otherwise are a part of! Yea, right? It doesn't make sense!
Get me: A part of what so is carried ashore to my heart as stuff that bothers me is the whole point that the one or the other of them isn't even anything worth talking about, so, they get their text, lyrics, song, whatever, and perform. Period! Then ... ahw, whatever!

Yea, fine! Now they're mad at me because I "talk" about them like that and now we can all never be happy again! So, one big plus for the other party and yea - that's ... kindof ... what's going on, so, in the nutshell - of my mind, oh sorry, BRAIN!
Its like Jesus said - about the sowman that went on and did throw some seeds here and there. Well, yea, the concept is metaphorically Nonsense. No sane sowman would throw seeds on a road and expect them to grow! Naturally! But thats the point when we say that there is no use to talking to someone that has his eyes shut and ears plugged. [break]


Yea, so, why do I even talk shit like that? Oh well, sorry for - "saying" anything at all! That is what they are! That is - so - how they behave! It would seem as though they acted like little children and so all is fine - yuppie - but whats so different about me? I keep running to my Father and complain about what these "Kids" are doing to me. Those are that kind of kids that nobody would be upset about if they got a beating, right?
The point is that its not even "Childish" - what they are doing is flat out arrogant or ignorant - at first - and once someone is complaining they, just, ... use their money as argument of why the hell I should shut the fuck up!

That is how it goes. Or, the Bible speaks of it - so - want an answer to the question 'Why' it is easier for a Camel to fit through the ear of a needle than for a rich person to get into Heaven? That why! They have the money to be ignorant! They have the status quo to plug their ears and shut their eyes and whatever bad could happen to them is bullshit compared to how other people have to get along! They are up their in their sky-castle where all the doors are opened and all the possibilities are accessible - so - they'll just go, no need to bother with questions! Right is Right, so, whatever they say!
That even is somehow their Religion! The idea is - well - that God rules the world and that as they are in control, give or take, God should work with them to lead the way. That work is so taken for granted and their own oppinion or attitude is understood as the product thereof. So they don't even see the need to bother asking if their mindset is prepared for that!
Now, years later, they don't can complain about me spitting these verses - I've been trying!

So, recently I had a few inspired Hallucinations again - and it was a Hypothetical/Hallucinary conversation between X and Y. Two Celebrities at that. So, the one was somehow desiring the outcome of that conversation to be in favour of me - and the other one was the classic ignorant bit. Eventually that discussion got to a point - as it revolved round about the issue of me and that I should get the fuck rich! Its like the endless thing. The ones will always say that I'll have to while the others come up with reasons of how that is wrong. I don't want to get into (Ooooh, sooooooory!) making statistics of how pro-me and contra-me arguments are going, but, I'm pretty sure that the argument "I believe that he has to get rich" on the contra-me side is like, 98%. 'Say-so's are excluded. So, all the shit that is supposed to buffer the pro-me belief and arguments - things like: "Nah, he's a moron" ergo "he's got to get rich" because, well, that would change everything about it!
So come along smart-asses with their ... but that's beside the point here. It got to a point - I can't remember it exactly anymore - but the gist of it was that around a semi-ambigous statement of mine a counter-stance revealed how right right actually is!
The idea is the following: I'll say something like: It's better to [...] than [...] - and in the counter-position the person arguing is willing or ready to be shady, to defend something wrong, just for the sake of ... well, or in the psychology of that person: Being convinced that I'm wrong - ignorantly - this statement is perceived as in-absolute in value and thus it may be circumvented. Thereby it may happen that this circumvention is harmless since the statement itself doesn't provide a consequence. The consequence however is that the circumventing person reveals a negative or maniac morality, sotospeak, not in comparison to the statement of mine, but in and of itself in the counter position to that statement - that however so within a certain circumstance that wouldn't be ordinarily present. So, its a special case however.

So the issue that I have to get rich. A person arguing that way may be right like - at least not entirely wrong - most of the time. But once the person arguing against it worked out a 'remainder of un-answered issues' - so - the point where right is right - the ignorant person fails to acknowledge.
That of course is the thing. It is a slim gate. It literally is the needles ear. From acknowledgement the person will have to step back and reconsider its orientation. Otherwise it is evident that the person would continue to yet defend its position and once the counter-part feels finally convinced the ignorant mind will get annoyed. So ... round 2.


Its not so important, that's the culprit here, that the game be really broken - since - once the world changes to the better it does that, whether that happens from inside or not. Entirely independent to that, so, isolated logically, is the thing that I won't (be allowed) to join in that adventure. That makes sense to those however that see me as a demand. No me, no go! So, here, the idea certainly is that it has to be broken for good! In the end it will be broken anyway - but so, to get on a common ground: What is that "game"?
It is that 'system' wherein the baddies basically do have their ways. I mean, if we watch a couple of movies we may certainly find how the one or the other is "anti-inspiring". Or, SGU started to realistically introduce God as a topic, but, it got cancelled right away. Argument: Not enough viewers. So, yea, sounds fair - but that doesn't stop us from looking at it as though they made it to look that way so that we once again do have a little less reasons to believe. Now, once it's 'end' - once we are in "the new era" - the question is the following: How much of that will be in there?
Think about it! The baddies will look to ascertain that they got their ways in there and sooner or later the baddies will hold the prominent spots, like, even better! I mean, so far the baddies had to somehow cheat their ways to the top. Once the new world is built on their rules - they can basically do whatever they want. Thats why the Antichrist would want to be taken for the Prophet. He'll say who is "trustworthy in the eyes of the Lord" and folks will worship them as saints. As things come together in our minds and we are taken to the belief that this "Game" is still up and running, so as we are for instance looking for a job that suits our talents and aspirations but don't get it - we are put to the point that we may wonder why. So, like any person that is not getting successful in this world may wonder: Is it evil - after all - that makes success?
Now, these starletts and starsirs they think its easy! They think it is as easy as to say that they know that it ain't that way and done! So, I'll have to take their word and I might believe it - however - do I so need to yet recognize that one isn't all of them. The game doesn't need that single individual to work. However many others that say the same, well, clearly, just giving all of them the benefit of the doubt ... is ... questionable!

So yea, of course it is different either way once we bring Enlightenment into it. But - how about some shady Enlightenment? Some that only "the worthiest" get? So that everyone who fails needs to ponder upon the own imperfections, striving harder and harder for Gods favour - just to find out - it won't ever happen unless ... surprise! And good people will believe it! They will be conditioned to remain humble - to see how it makes sense that it has to be something special, and so, ponder on!
If you - dear reader - are suffering such, if you are questioning whether your enlightenment is the right one, well - silly me, how would I know how to advise you to ask God straight about yourself, whether you'd be worthy or not! So, the question is, if you are, why can't you get it? Oh, silly me, how would I come to talk to anyone about self-confidence? Well, maybe rephrase it to: Independence - at first.

So, either way, the concept of "breaking" the game should be clear - we all want it - the one way or the other. So, how is that to work? In the end? The idea is to just smack the board over the table, and start playing by different rules, those of God. So, you maybe don't understand why you can't have it when, well, lets say, I got rich. Well, nothing really makes it a requirement - logically - since, on the paper it should be in about the same. Nothing but one - eventually - and that one is the one that presents the rules that are to be played. So it begins here: The ones say that I have to get rich, He says nope! Once He said so - now - how is the matter with God changing His mind on things? It is now so - lets say that - and now, how's the thing going on? On the one hand we have reasons that follow the belief that I yet have to get rich, just so, opposed to which there are, well, lets say those that counter with God as an argument - that God is the one reference. Here we have a basic glitch - since - for a change is this nothing that can be deduced logically outside of acknowledging God as a living being - and well - once again - its all below one hat. Opposed to that is that nothing is wrong about me getting rich, ignoring that God may have a say so to it. After all we can see two rules that contradict. We may wonder whether there is a deeper meaning to the rule that me getting rich first is wrong! How about starting with time? Since, once it gets to the topic of abilities "BY God all things are possssssible!". Sounds like an excuse though, or otherwise an excuse from me for a lack of anything like that - and seriously - so the discussions would go on! Or, "will" - whatever! ... Do! Do go on!

And then, whats wrong? See - the point is that there are those that are ignorant that argue that if I got rich the thing were different. So, they'd be willing to try because I got rich, and, do only I see a problem therein? So, the thing were is that simply being willing to 'try' it is enough! That however has nowhere been mentioned as a criteria. So, there are two criteria to becomming Enlightened. The one is being inwardly ready and the other is an invitation from God. Now, they are dumbed down for the purpose of here - but without being inwardly ready its nonsense anyway - and - though the individual could logically undo his wrongs then - if it was wrong after all, the entire past, how is that supposed to work out? And so people find a way to use that as an argument against me. Saying: It can't be right after all because God would so basically doom these people by putting up that demand of -now-. But still the bigger deal is that they put an ideal that has certainly consequences upon the word of God regardless of them. Time! So, what is done against it? If Time is so important - what happens 'now' so that it will happen?
What happened (past tense!) is this! The consequence is that people have to think about it! Whether the way they're going or the way I'm proposing is right. Its so easy! It has always been! Who did even come up with that idea that I'd 'have' to get rich? I'd say its the result of someone simply saying so, someone saying: "Not enough!" and now its down to me to somehow fight me back in! The rest however is to wonder now: Is that person supposed to dictate the rules for everyone else? I say: So, that person doesn't want - now - who else is there? To me its ever since been about -now-, ever since Baptism and Enlightenment got together. On the other hand folks look at me, with the Bible in their hand, and tell me - in the idea however - about Talents and Pearls - some looking straight down at me saying: 'No' because apparently I don't make good use of them. So, naturally, if that is what I get from knocking on their door I'll have to leave! But so I'll knock on another one, and here I got to wonder: How is it? Did someone just fly by telling you that I can't get in because I have to get rich to first bla bla and otherwise so and so? What is it? What is it that makes it so that the moment I mention one of the things I'm somehow working on all of a sudden become "weightful" - taken and pondered upon - and turned into a demand on me. And quite right - I can do that! I can turn around, sit down and work on those things. Mechanically, Technically. But how is it? If I found something, like, well, Stardate or anything new round about the Sirius issue, how come I shouldn't have the support of people to get things beyond the initial drafts? While instead suffering the paranormal acticity in my head where others come and go like it was theirs or how much I suck because my presentation is weak? I wouldn't even be allowed to complain, or otherwise, each argument I have is countered by like - a bazillion of things that simply capitalize on a few issues that might be had about me doing so. Where's the point? So I didn't manage my time properly? Basically one might at least sponsor me a safe to live in and enough food because otherwise this me complaining about safety of my intellectual property will be haywire! Yea, that is the effective consequence of me having an issue because I am supposed to take care that everything I do is well protected or otherwise blame God, hey, free for all! Who didn't yet, who wants again? So, for instance could I tape my notebook to my skin - which - might make people look a bit odd at me but I'll do it for you! Right? That's all because you can't be satisfied with anything - isn't it?

Just picture that for a moment! So - I - there - in my room - and I'll do everything as I'd be supposed to, accroding to the me getting rich idea. So yea, the end is quasi automated super OK because if it weren't people wouldn't believe that it were right. So, in the flip-term that means that people believe in it and so the end has to be good - while - its simple: It can only be good if it happens. So, "ergo", it happening will be good. If it weren't - I were right after all - providing that I am who I "am" - for otherwise it'd be trivial anyway. But if its good and I were who I "were", I'd already be who I "am" - quite naturally. Doesn't it suck to be so stupid?
So yea, if there were a point to it I'd admit that I got a talent there! A talent of talents! Jack of all Trades, Master of none! Woo!
Its like being a Paladin in WoW! Its super fun, but it sucks so hard!
So, looking away from that certainly uber-biased result, lets take a look at the mechanics. The what, when, how and such. At first I will certainly have to carry my Laptop around with me at all times. That means, even once I'm at some hypothetical friends place and just go to the toilet, because, someone might come and have something terribly important that just quickly might require my assistance but takes a bit longer than ... just quick. I must never forget it. I must also have my notes with me at all times. So, a backpack, good enough! Consequently having it with me all the time.
So, as I would begin to do so, the challenge would be set. Its like charging up Style in NBA Street. So, just, the way is a bit longer than from one to the other end of a Basketball Field. Long story short: If I'm consequent enough it'll work. But then - so - for what? Anyway - so - one day I'd be done. I'd be having what I'm having - a book/books on the one side and software on the other. Now, talking of novels and games I'll have to find a publisher. So, by the time they would realize that I'm consequent they'll know that this is where I have to go - and now tell me prey - what is easier? To get me into dropping my consequence or to to occupy the inbox of every major thing? So we're comming to the stories of those miracolous demands - and see that I myself am having the same, so, I can technically follow along. But then I have to think: Could I live with that person that I'd be? Could you live with yourself in case it turns out - then - so? And why? What for?

It may be as simple as: The game needs to be broken! Why the delay? What for? What is so much better now? Years later? What have I accomplished that wouldn't have been better otherwise? Maybe that I have a better understanding of whom to trust, what to take care of to let no wrong-doers in - things like that - things that however are just appropriate considering the circumstances. There is that one thing that I'm sure about: The good of it all is that I have to convince you for real - and by the time that happens it happened - by when I'll have what I'll need to safely carry things along. Next to that I'll have people that will know very well for their own what matters and what not - and finally - it'll all have been in vain! Give or Take!

A safe deadline for me - to give you - is this years Christmas (55291.64) - there-after I'll change my mind. There is hope - always - planted into my heart, and that hope, all those things - they suck! From one apparent Truth to the other, its all nonsense! Either things are real or not - however - this is the last thing in those regards. Thereafter I've had enough of it! Either they are real and its real, or they are not and I should behave accordingly. The consequence will finally be an emotional thing. Friendship - nomore! I'll have people serve me like filthy dogs and they will be required to do so, by themselves - isn't that fun?! Thats the point! Satisfaction! Thats breaking the Game!
Why? Lets say that once upon a time I got betrayed by someone - and at first, instead of being holpen, people joined their hostility. It went on and on, and instead of getting pulled out, people submitted to their game and joined into their stampede on me. So, eventually then I solved all the given problems, and consequential problems, to a point where more problems that would come up could be discarded. I fought and didn't give up - but fighting in reality isn't about just winning! There is no magic 'win' button. So from another perspective it turned out that my fighting wasn't a real fight, it was just my unwillingness to behave like a proper prisoner. Emotionally deep scars cover my heart - deep enough to say that I'm hopelessly lost beyond repair. Now maybe this is once more putting you on a bad chair - a worse one than before, the last time - but do you think it'll get better from waiting? People might think that my Kinks are funny, others would turn away in despair or disgust - but so even more as my heart is open those things are like prying it open wider, so far that I'll have to discard them - like - having my flesh pilled off my bones. My own fault? Maybe! Un-necessary? Who could tell?
Maybe I'll be friendly on that deadline - who can tell? I don't know what's up. I'll possible continue as before - more or less. Continuing to entertain you by blindly stumbling through this world, hating everything but myself in times of despair, expressing my bitterness on behalf of the question: WHAT? Is it so that you need rescue? That I'm impervious to bullets and while you could fear for your life I don't have to? So you are threatened? Well, you are allowed to believe that if I'd make it somewhere things would change, but, as we all know, blackmailers always want more if it needs be! If they couldn't so then, they can't do so already! And what the hell is that even about? Thanksgiving to the Hero who just came in and all enemies fell to the ground? No! You need to prepare yourself! You - thats what it is about! You, You, You! And by the way: What you feel is Bullshit! You don't have the mind to see beyond the things that are simply Hype! Period!


Well - sorry - or whatever! If the Sign of Jona is about me - where I'm Jona - then well, I'll need to wait for that Whale and it'll spit me out where I'll have to be! Thats whats up! Skipping to the point where I'm sitting under the tree, well ... is maybe an option, but, not entirely accurately reflected! And finally - God hasn't even spoken to me about that! What He does is to show me that once I do this and that I'll get to a wonderful result - and that is me and my programming. But you taking your sweet time require Him to be less benevolent with those things and the consequence is that I'm suffering - on top of all the other nonsense. So forgive me if I had a sudden flash of positivity - and it makes you think that all is well and you can take even more time for your sweet ass to grow numb. Aren't you there then the false prophets, sitting under the Tree ('false' implies already that the God sent wale is not an option!), waiting for this - my - Niniveh to succumb, but rather is your Tree being eaten by a tiny little worm ... a worm that bothers you ... and there is a place, so it is written, where it will never die! Imagine that! You can have it forever! See - I'm innocent! I may be - so to get the formulation accross at least - lacking in a few regards but I don't have a problem with being correspondingly "under-rewarded". I've done what I can, while, the things that I yet could or might, well, they are as I - as you might say: Ignorantly - believe countered by God for my own best. Its a round thing. From wherever I look at it. In the end you'll have to accept me the way I am 'after' or 'through' me growing on the nourishment of the Lord - anything else is madness. So, it'll always be so that I'll be like a helpless little child - one that loves to be joyful. And you can almost be assured that anything that would ever change that - would carry the anger of God with it - and that is my point!

Maybe you might have a good result wondering why that is! I mean, why God is supporting 'that me'. Who I so am, in Universal terms. Or, how 'good' I am that He entrusts me with such a hard path! I mean, I guess you say that someone with a life like me can barely be loved by Him - which means that you say that if you were me you'd have given up and cursed the world long time ago; While furthermore ascending yourself over the topic by finding excuses for why I still do what I do. The Truth however speaks a different language. I don't fully understand how this much should even be required - why its never enough ... why, why, why! Yea - but - so - that is punishment! That sucks! I am not allowed to not understand! Its - brutal! So: A slim gate it is - the needles ear - that is why! And I want it to end, I want to be capable of living without it! So, there is Love! In case you were still wondering about it. We simply don't support your ignorance! I live my life as an ordinary person with issues that properly reflect the trouble I'm having. What I have is the Truth - and I got it, however. What you shouldn't do is to judge the person thats carrying it but you should take the message. Your behaviour impacts me - and that is something that can't be changed, that is something you should need to be aware of! So I certainly do have certain responsibilities that do therein help me transcend the average - the just and simply ordinary person - but those things aren't there to benefit anyone! They are only there to proof people wrong! If you coined a way to "trap" me - uhm sorry - "test it" - you'll have to know and then be told eventually that that is not the way! Seriously! Its all comming down to what its comming down to for all! Any attempts to force that into another direction will be handled with extreme hostility! Period!


Stardate 55291.21626