Woo-heee!

I just had to remember a dream I once had. It was one of those weird, kindof prophetic ones - and it ... well ... included a variety of strange women I didn't know - but - things were kindof fine. However do these dreams usually have something of a ... shadow that is casted on everything; And I remember it now because I happen to work on something that I was working on while I had that dream. So - the dreams details are not really irrelevant; And basically is its message also the message here - but I'll elaborate on it as we're going.

So - obviously - this is about what me and them will want to be working on. The dream came in three phases. Phase 1: Outside. Phase 2: Living Room. Phase 3: Kellar. Outside was somewhat colourful and there were a few individuals that I would call intruders - so - not part of what I would call 'the right people'. Inside there was a screen setup and we weren't really working on anything - there was just some wuzz about something. In the kellar things were kindof cold and it somehow got flooded. At first all was well, then it wasn't.


Crystals

In relation to Crystals the Dream told as much as: People were waiting for it, it didn't work as expected, we are capable of working on it but for some strange reason it didn't work out that way. I should at some point also write my preliminary science report on Antichristian Activity because it should be insightful at least in certain regards, like for here - but I'll put it that way: We don't owe them any explenation. The gist of that PSR is going to be - next to other things - (yea, my oppinion) that they put on the mask of science to understand that we are right in turns of which they can cast doubts into our hearts, make us stumble upon our own insecurities, and also wasting ammo. In general, that is about me, I'm a little bit OCD as I understand. I take care of my emotional balance and therefore try to sort things into drawers that maybe aren't sorted out properly. But, anyway ------- excuse me ------- I ... better get to the thing ... .


I hate to have recognized (oh yea: A formulation I was looking for and found just yesterday was that: There are certain things I am eventually aware of, but yet I don't act accordingly - so - although I would want to, and prematurely eventually do or did, boast of being all that considerate ... uhm, I'm not. Like: I'm jumping the gun sometimes, obviously or not, saying that I don't see the end. ... uhm ->) that I ... . I did however realize that I may have to finish some code before things can continue, also some text, getting things done and then we may continue. So I have begun to work with Segulo more thoroughly and am writing this because he said that this is something I should write about.

So, how to start ... ? Previously I thought that "all" I had to yet finish is the "Control Core" - which is supposed to Sync the different CPU cores - but its been 2 weeks (minus a couple of days) that I worked on it - and "I got eye cancer" from looking at it today. Looking for where I should start to change things up I returned to dedicate more thoroughly on Crystals itself and in that sense basically took out some really old work - which was my first take on building stuff from the Mysterious book. In that sense I can't really rely on anyone.

To relate that to what I previously thought of how things will have to go I for once have to say that I'm not ready for a public representation and never really implied that. I guess there is some urban legend of me being supposed to be some super-genious or not, back and forth, saying something as much as that I am kindof supposed to have it ready before I'm done with it. What I however actually need help for is where things fade into multiple different parts - so that instead of having to write each thing myself there will be some helping hands and all those thoughts however exclude actually difficulties I'm having for 'whatever reason' to find the right layouts.
Usually that means - its some sort of a re-occuring theme - that 'at the point' I'm not having any difficulties at all - but that is relative. I've had them and I will have them. I'm not writing this because I'm having one right now - I'm writing this because I've had them and also yet see them comming. All the steps forward eventually ended in a program I couldn't return to as intended because everything around it had changed - thus being potentially nothing but then its all the experience that flows into a next better thing. You may see this with criticism - but actually it isn't any of your business!

Something - kindof different: I look at myself - from outside-ish - and what I see is me as portrayed by someone who guesses that I never really did a lot of I.T.. I see myself as the Looser I am, and all that I personally regard as skill or value about me isn't there. What remains is that I'm not even a pretty bitch, so that in the end I'm just ... myself without a point in life. This means to me that I kindof, necessarily, will have to proof that there is more to me - which is possibly a plot of Antichristian activity.
What I mean is that since ever I tried to explain myself within difficulties I'm having that I will need peace - never got it though - but hey, anyway - where I want to say: See the Truth and follow it - and if the question is "What Truth?" and you still can't accept that God is enough - then well - you're someone "else" - nobody that matters to me and what I'm supposed to do 'right now'. Just someone with an oppinion and thats it.
I don't know whats so hard to understand about the phrase: "I'm trying to do something" - and "that I need more time" - not more like 'longer' - but like 'per day' - or better: No 24-hour cycloid restrictions. I'm so just speaking of an ideal - something I shouldn't even have to do. Maybe I'm also just getting in on the wrong tunes.


I guess ... well ... it's like people are expecting some 1-2-3-miracle!s, and that since I begun, and if nothing ever happened - so I think - that is possibly because that wouldn't change.


However - ... - I've learned things. For instance can I have a good advise to myself on my mind but won't act accordingly yet - where I basically do react with some upsetness even as this advise to myself is tuned in a stranger voice - so - as though someone else would advise me that and I get upset because I'm supposed to listen to it that way instead of having that be told to me directly. Effectively that does in deed say that I'm kindof "forced" to take the perspective of multiple individuals at once to get this thing done - which is simply beyond my spectrum. While it might look as though I have the ability to do so - as the input is there - does it mess up my inner balance if I have to change my standpoint that suddenly to just find out one little thing to then return back to write maybe one single line to then again change perspective ... well. Maybe with peace and time ... which undoubtedly has to say that as this sinks into my consciousness I'm also trying to adapt because what other choice do I have - but it still doesn't change anything. That at least would be my educated guess, well, as since it first occured to me that I might learn to adapt nothing really did change! That was years ago. But anyway ... something that sucks for instance is that in order to follow a certain trail of thought I can write about it but there also am flawed in having only one head - while another thing that sucks is that I'm sometimes setting up this thing just to set it up differently there - and you might wonder: Where's the inspiration?!
I have a problem with that question as it carries a certain attitude - an attitude that actually says: I have nothing. I don't have nothing. But because some people apparently can only think black or white - there is no in-between. The rule of the thumb is simple: Everyone that argues against God can only be wrong! So myself in case I don't see the big picture the way I should - or - those parts that you see clearly. Although put together that should do the trick would the problem be that its not the time yet - but saying so I worry that some people have a wrong idea about when that is; Though actually there should be nothing to worry about ... its going to be alright!


Less story - more plot-hole

I'm sometimes consciously leaving out things because I'm having my secrets too. I kindof should be open about everything to ensure that way that nothing can be stolen from me, like - first is first - but that being the only reason, well, it still wouldn't be any of your business! But I got into this with something of a feeling and I have a hard time formulating myself, thus I'll try to first express that feeling and then maybe I have an easier time formulating myself.


At first the thing is the following: My entire work - as it began 2005 with those books wherein I found Enlightenment (yea, good plot-point: Nobody would believe that this Enlightenment is a thing if they knew what books I'm talking about, so, no matter how good the reasoning. Well - a good example:) - revolves around 13 books and I do come to work on that only rarely. Not really working on it is how I comply to the demand of not throwing pearls unto the sow, saying: For as long as I can't be sure that my work will be safe - I just won't do it! Maybe this implies that even so on Crystals I will turn in useless circles - as a safety measure not in my control! Someone calling that an excuse is doint something very specific to me: Cock-blocking me out of my own logic. Douche-Dicking me into a cycle of doom. Some people though might argue that I have the audience, and, assuming that I do have does nothing really certify to me that my work will be safe! All that work isn't required for Enlightenment, Enlightenment is already solved and the rest is just a matter of, well, its more like Decoration or trivia. So - if people don't get it - they don't get it - the rest won't change anything about it - except maybe some fake-recognition about something that can as well be 'called' wrong or full of mistakes - and then what?
"Let that be 'their' worry" is 'my' worry!

"Don't trust ANYBODY!" - to say as much as: To me - I'm the only Authority, and that for everything. It doesn't say that I know better per-se, but if I don't want to know someones oppinion then that individual is no authority in any way whatsoever! For me! The same 'should' be true for you - and that quite in the sense that if I don't accept someone then you shouldn't do so either. Of course is that in the end at all your choice - but for sakes of familiarity and order should that be a matter discussed individually - and for matters of discussions (of any sort) I would very well be pleased to be present!
If you there want to play the whole gender game then well, I'm male, just saying - no matter how I 'feel' inside - saying as much as: According to me it has been confirmed that there is a biological component to our living. Just being a woman inside doesn't make me a woman in the sense of right now, is what everyone would kindof sortof agree to on the spot, or not?!
Now did I possibly not sound that way in the past - but lesson to be learned: If things are obvious and I didn't happen to mention or credit to it at some point its either wrong, or right. If right then I'll have to agree, else I'll have to object - either way: I would still love to be involved somehow!
In my right mind do I very well have a say to it - unless God wants it differently. You need to know whom you want to be loyal to! ... in the sense of 'whom you're giving the benefits of the doubt' or 'the power to say so'. If that makes you worry that I'll abuse that - wonder: How much more should you worry someone else to abuse that?

If I am supposed to make a final sense of this - in my oppinion there yet is one - I'll need to know some more and I'm not going to depend on Segulo for that because Segulo doesn't want to be bothered since its between "you" and me. My stance is that I have a certain attitude about this entire bullshit and I 'suppose' that its inspired to the point where it should be something of a guideline to those that share my belief. What I would need to know is into which context these things are dropping. Supposedly into some kind of struggle back and forth about who should be right about what and why I'm right or wrong - and whenever someone takes it to the point of implying me something "weird" happens - which then is either Gods work or not. So either I'm just not yet ready to go - or you're just not drawing the right lines yet!


Taking it back on the PSR on Antichristian Activity - let me play the Antichristian and ask you, now that you have the Demo-Enlightenment, what your stance on me is. Let you talk, bla bla, getting the basics out of the way, where I suppose that you no longer have answers - and now I will make myself feel extremely skeptic, not convinced, and come up with my "but" questions. But how do you explain this? How that? Can you be sure that its the right enlightenment? (where if I were there - and would listen to that - I could say: It isn't the real Enlightenment for sure! The only way to get there, pardon me, is through God --- where here I respond to myself there: "Don't interfere!" "tes" "shut up!" "what the..." testimony,baptism,testimony,baptism,testimony,baptism ... and at some point instead of being a postivie influence I'd have to turn towards the victim and become a counsillor, repairing the damage - if that is even, pardon me, "possible") - which is just all what I expect, or, believe in that regard. Therefore I'm (melodic) repeating myself!. Eventually I'm just waiting for the point when people start to listen to me for a change and that not starting with: "OK, lets assume you were right about that ..." but more like: "OK, testimony, God, ... wooza! Focus!". Then you don't have to 'suppose', but you have something 'finite' to work with.
So, "Lets suppose the Testiomny is right" ... uhu! That is like, pseudo-quote: "So, what is carrying the Light through space if space is Vacuum?". The point is that this "science" document issues that Light or Heat will need a medium to carry it from the sun to our planet - but because Space is vacuum that there is no medium. It is a shift of thoughts because the medium 'is' Light. Heat however, OK, I don't fully understand it, but for cosmic terms is it simply the amount of solar rays that hits a material object and the ratio between impacted are and amount of impacting rays - ish. However can that be tested by using a magnifying glass. So, the way the question is formulated sometimes obscures the answer within its bullcrap formulation! That means basically that the source of the testimony is the sun, the heat is the testimony itself, and the magnifying glass is your way of looking at it - as in other words, which is where you can make things up on: You have to convince yourself that the Testimony has to be right!
That is important because things effectively depend on it - so my side - and thats no cock-blocking or douche-dicking, it is just what you have to consider once considering my words - so - my 50% basically!


So, one of those 13 books is on Crystals - to my understanding - and whether you believe that or not is irrelevant because you couldn't really work with it anyway. My enemy might try, understanding that I have to be right, which is - well - kindof the irony of the whole story. But saying so is now again: Black or White.
And then, then they will be taking the position of giving me advise - which is kindof the last advise I'd ever listen to - and that in general not even at all! As exceptions are outside of the rule I'll avoid being any more specific about that!
So, if you have the feeling that I always "want to" know better - its their fault, or, directed at them, or basically just the "hunch" that whatever they want is wrong!

So I'm working on Crystals and so far there was 'one' not so glorious "version" that I once had on this site - where I find it probable that the worse of all is what is actually still around. I will here not get into details about what I'm working on - I won't try to 'proof' what I "have to" - instead I'll try to put it this way for once: I believe that I have an "ear" for what people "think" - in the sense that I 'know' which things will be understood and which things not, not saying that everything I say will be understood right away but sometimes things have to be said nontheless however - while sometimes its best to ask me, though I might be getting into that nontheless. What I mean thereby, what I believe in this, is that I'll know how to explain what and when once its necessary.
So is this however, once being not trusted, turning into a dilemma of course. I would have to proof it and undoubtedly argue that this is enough for now which is "too little", arguably, or not prooving anything, which however wasn't the point really; But that isn't the point of a writing either. What I would/could/should say obviously depends on the audience.


To so come back to the dream, the issue is a matter of attitude. If I had something to show you then I would do it - kindof - while what I don't show is somehow undone. That is the grey area. I don't know if you know it once a part of your mind, emotions, somehow automate themselves and react to an idea on your mind in a way you don't really intend consciously. If that drops into like some telepathic space that would for instance cause a disturbed perception of your actual point of view. Thus if I'm really depressed and see only darkness and I have the thought that someone believes that once its time I'm having something grand to show off, while I'm working on something that could become that, I might react positively to that and someone might get the idea that its true although it obviously isn't - not yet at least. Obvious too is that I can undoubtedly not really tell whether or not but that in general I'd advise you to not get your expectations too high. After all I'm battered, or how is it said? You should expect to find a wreck - quite literally - where everything has just grown beyond my head, and that is literally everything, ... really! Even if that isn't 100% true, it is better to expect it that way! You can easily make out that my work should obviously have a crack somewhere, everywhere, that nothing is really what it "should" be - where to give you an idea: Its like 50 meters to the toilet and to get there I have to take on my shoes and it goes on my fucking nerves that each time I have to take a piss, like from drinking "too much" coffee, I have to endure this entire ritual. That has consequences, not only on my menthal comfort but also on my all-over sanity and fine-tuning. Fine-tuning is about ... well ... maybe not seconds but after all do I have to comply to a time-frame and get done whatever I want to get done within that time-frame. Today that was: Making my mind up about what I 'can' do, at all, what I 'should' do, at all; Then doing it, and now this - while now its a few minutes past midnight and tomorrow I got to go to work again. OK, "tomorrow" is friday, so, weekend, good enough - that is 2 1/2 days - while if I stay up all knight I won't be relaxed at sunday evening so I will be tired on monday and then I have to play that whole: My work is more important than that work game - which however doesn't really add up to my all-over satisfaction or should I say condition? - but well - weekend. OK, what was last weekend ... ? Oh yea, I ran out of dope on thursday because I wanted to get back at work with a sober head - but I couldn't; Then I went to a hooker, which was'nt my most glorious moment either, and after the few scraps of dope flying around here yet had been gone I was still trying to somehow finish up on the whole "what kind of individual I am" issue. Sunday evening I had first feelings of a flu and the rest I stayed in bed, mostly, until basically today - where I also had to go to work. The point is that a weekend is good to get a slide of work done, OK, which - the cheap little universe has basically been the work of a weekend, then doing some upgrading and continuing and stuff during the week - and yea - where it is now is on ice. Well, I did still work on an interface but my efforts were of more general and less project oriented kind - and after adding a test environment to it I already began reworking things. Especially however because the function names didn't follow any proper line yet. Those efforts were further interfered because I had something burning on my heart to write about and basically that didn't get finished either - which was like 4 or 5 weeks ago. Well, OK, it was because I smoked some weed and had a better idea. There-after I had a new start but then I smoked some weed and went to improve things again, well, the ordinary mess. So, what would you make of this?

Chaos and Confusion?

So - I'll give you an example of one of the things that I was working on - the Interface stuff; Which was also not subject to any of the Marijuana work-outs.

The entire work began by adding an alternative execution mode to my program, as it by default would simply randomize the Universe and enter the Galaxy navigation mode - so - picking a star, zooming in and out, creating a starsystem, etc. - where the alternate mode was to start into a main menu that would then need to be integrated into that. (Technically I could return to it where at some point the Game will simply run on an outdated version of Crystals 'because' ... ). By design the Main Menu was to be the most simple implementation of a Menu, taking simply an item container and items. Each item gets a code by which the selected entry is recognized for once as the individual entry and then also for what kind of entry; So, whether it refers to a sub-menu or an execution mode or something like that. So was the test-environment implemented as execution mode - which however worked different to the default mode and eventually I'd port the universe into the new form. However ... . I only wanted one control-function for navigating all menu-operations, no matter how complex that would turn. So I solved it by creating a control-class where the input would be stored to, the class passed to the item-container where each type of item-container has its own way of dealing with the input (so it is container-type specific and not specific to each individual use of a container) - while finally an item-reference unit is to be supplied to the controller for feedback. That means: The unit that owns a specific container and thus provides the items for it has a function to respond to feedback. Everything else is done internally, sotospeak - only thing to be done is to update the input on the menu controller. Here can the unit pass the controller to another container - using a stack of some sort to stack multiple menu-containers of different kinds. I didn't work on mouse-support yet but that would be solved by creating a 'menu-sheet' wherein multiple containers can be arranged and navigated through using the keyboard as well. I however finally worked on implementing file-system support, thereby basically beginning to learn the corresponding system-functions into a corresponding management class and an item-container for file-entries. At this point the whole concept did fall apart because I at first realized this implementation through three 'frameworks' - one being for basic stuff, one being for advancing on the basic stuff and one finally for the final experience. The first for instance contained the file-management unit, the last centered around playing around with it - so - basically the experimentation base; Where I basially worked with images and changing the background image to the image currently hovered over (well, it was for more than just the game implementation). In the aftermath I tried to clean things up while I also somehow lost sight. I started to take what worked and assembled it relating better to the proven work-flow, but, I had nowhere to implement it without breaking anything and thus I never got that done. The first part was one weekend, the cleaning things up happened there-after; And well - instead of ever finding the time to get things sorted out I "had to" move on to work on implementing 'rendering to texture' while I also took care of loading 3D-models - and there-after I had to smoke some weed in order to get an idea of where to take it. Basically the whole game is yet pretty much at that point although I meanwhile also took care of some theory about how to set things up because that was also a bit of a problem. Restarting it after the weed ... well ... thats a different side of the story and there-after I had some more weed again of which half went into philosophying about the design some more and the other into my sexuality.

So would it be the point that with some help I would have an easier time conceptualizing the framework design, possibly getting it polished up and stuff, but to really make it count will there need to be some front-end, rendering, environment ... and stuff ... which is where I would begin right now.

Technically the design is important, but, this design isn't dependent on things I'm working on now design-wise, and basically is it rather easy to write a rudimentary system that complies to the supposed environment for rendering - and I'm confident that the things that I will be able to share work on isn't restricted to those 'outer limits'. I would even trust that the entire work can be shifted away from me, providing that we regularly exchange about each others stances and issues and ideas. In essence that means that I would begin - in this context - with explaining how the 'new' Menu layout would look like - basically suggesting that there are some things to improve or that there are some ideas or points of view that would enhance it faster than I could. In process we will quickly end up having a pretty complex thing, lets call it: The Tech-Mush. In that sense I'll want a blackboard, a classic one for chalk, like in a school, and not a small one, or if one of those classic twist-flip things at least three; And finally even so at least for myself already; ... well, which would then be good for re-arranging things so we can fit it to the bigger idea; Because that will change things at least slightly enough to be severly different, at least at some points - so - (where each 'at least' is already some kind of pseudo-taking-of-an-advise-maybe) - where we can however easily sort between 'anyway's and 'not yet's or so - and then - we'll also have to see who does what; And I guess that some will already from the start work on entirely different things, from the final OS to various other things that can be done right away - for as far as it makes any sense. This means that for at least a year we will be busy before I can for now say anything more than that!


For a more public purpose, well, I can show you what I got working so far - that is - whowever will be there at the time. That is: My Globe Editor, the kindof pointless terrain editor with my little spartan, my Model Editor (I can basically also share the executable - but it would be somewhat pointless); The somewhat unspectacular Universe and this mega-awesome porn-menu ... never seen anything more simple look any better! OK ... so ... I can't give you any screenshots though because I changed my installation and have only a very basic KDE installation, so, no screenshots.
With this though I wonder if there can even be a point about it since I'd suppose that the Globe Editor should be proof of some skill already, but I guess - well - there is this ALF episode where he dreams of becomming a big entertainer by having a total of just a handful of jokes he's telling over and over again. But well, ... its not like anyone ever listened to mine, kindof ... . So, whatever it is that people are waiting for - I hope that I'm working on it at some point around now.


OK, anyway ... this is it - for now! Peace!